The Ergo Lives!

Today I opened FB to find these pictures, along with a note.  "Is this your Ergo the child is in?  It's one I brought."  It is (was) my Ergo.  Seeing it being used by this family was visceral and I just cried as I looked at the pictures over and over.  My kids were a little confused as to why I couldn't stop crying, so I had them all come and sit with me, Joel too, and explained the whole thing.  My kids had a hard time getting past why I would even give up my Ergo at all.  They all know how much I love it.

Then I made them watch a video of the refugees getting off the 'boats' and I think they were able to see things with a little more clarity.

These pictures were so unexpected and such a gift.

This world.  It's too hard.  It just seems like we can do better.

life is hard and weird (in 3 stories)

Sometimes life is really hard.  Sometimes weird.  Sometimes it's so beautiful that it's difficult to speak.  Sometimes it's just everything.

one
I got some really bad news today about someone I love.  (Not someone in the Gibson 6 circle.)  It's the kind of news you never ever want to hear about anyone.  It's the kind of news that makes you say, "No.  No no no no no." And then curse even though you're talking to your parent.  It just makes you close your eyes and hold really still and remember being 6 and in your grandma's living room with this person you love.  And you think that maybe if you really imagine that; the soft red couch and a the lucky charms in the mug, and the Saturday morning cartoons, then the rest of this is just a bad dream.  (It didn't work.)

two
Do you remember how much I loved my Ergo baby carrier?  I bought it when we went to Europe, just as C was turning 2.  That's actually a little old to start 'wearing' a child, but since Carter stayed in our arms extra long, it turned out to be perfect.  I loved carrying his warm weight around Italy and Germany and so did his daddy.  When we got home, I think the magic was gone and it was over.  I was so so so sad.  I thought I was done with babies and I was so not okay with that.  And I just kept it in the closet and told everyone how much I loved wearing Carter.  (I think I let Hannah use it for a bit because I love her too!)

When we adopted R, I was so so so happy to get to use the Ergo again. There is a picture of beaming happy mama Sarri in the guest house with baby R snuggled in the Ergo- reunited!  Oh I loved it so much as she slept and drooled on my back.  I was whole again.

When the magic wore off that time, I was more okay with it.  I'm okay with not having more babies now.  (AT CAPACITY!)  I did love my ergo though.  I wore baby Parker when I got to babysit him for a few months (because I love him too!)  And then I kept it in my closet just in case.

Well, this week I heard about a local mama going to (?) Greece (I think?) to help with the refugee crisis that I can't begin to really think about because I will come completely undone.  This local mama was looking for some soft carriers to help the Syrian mamas carry their babies around.  Today I dropped mine off with her.  It made me cry slash burst thinking of a sad, scared, desperate mama wearing the warm weight of her precious baby in a chaotic, uncertain, sad, scared, desperate situation.  Please God, let the love and warmth and security and everything in my heart stay with that silly (soft, sweet, special) carrier and comfort that mama.  Life is so hard!  Why can't we do more?

three
Maddy went to the beach this weekend for a Leadership Conference.  Last year when went (before she got sick), I about lost my mind having her at such a grown up thing for 3 nights without her mama.  She loved it and was so happy.

(When I was trying to refind this blog, I found a secret blog that I started in May, before diagnosis, when I was so so so scared.  Having a sick kid is really scary, Friends!  Those were some sad, dark words I wrote.)

When she was sick, in bed, for four months this past spring and summer, I thought about this conference and how she'd probably never be able to go again.  She's such a determined girl.  She went.  She did so good.  Life ebbs and flows and we lose and we gain.  Getting glimpses of her on twitter and instagram (and at the beach house when I stalked her and brought her food that was safe) was just the best thing for my nervous mama heart.  I picked her up and she talked and talked and told me every single thing and how she wants to work for inclusive change at her school and the world.  I love her so much.  She wants to live so so so big.  And it scares me but it's also so good.

All of these thoughts bouncing around my heart tonight.  Let's just err on the side of kindness, ok?  Anne Lamott says that we're all just walking each other home and I think that's what we should do.

That upside down vertical kid is my sick girl.  Some days she can't get out of bed.  Some days she can.

She is awesome every day though.

Eight

 
 


It's tough to believe that this guy is eight now.  He's such a great kid.  He's funny and sweet.  He's stubborn and passionate.  He's still my baby!

We had a 'science experiment' birthday party this time around.  It was fantastic.

Birthday Eve

Tomorrow my sweet, funny, smart, and darling daughter turns 3.  Three.  THREE.  Seriously, how did that happen?  I can still feel her warm solid frame in my arms under the Ethiopian sun.  Now she is almost always wiggle and twirl and skip and negotiation.

(When she asks me for something and I say 'no', her eyebrows go up and she talks really slow and loud, as if I only didn't understand and that's why I wouldn't agree to her demands.  More on this later.  You just may belly laugh.)

So tomorrow that happens and we have a day planned that starts with strawberries and hot cocoa and ends with doro wat and injera and will be fun and sparkly and perfect.

But tonight I just need to cry a little.  (And write a little.)  Because, for us adoption is full of toddler smiles, sticky fingers, sweet brown toes, a to-die-for-afro, sibling squabbles, buckling car seats, and time outs (or time ins).  It's just normal stuff, really.  But under the layer of normal, crazy life, there is a current of what it is to parent a child who did not start out in our arms.  Our 3 bigger kids have a minute by minute story, "Then your daddy I and drove to the hospital.  I squeezed his hand and said. . . " or, "And then I heard your first cries and it reminded me of a baby sheep."  And tomorrow we celebrate Rebeka's birth and it IS a celebration, but it's also a very real, very poignant, and very BIG reminder of what she's lost.  She doesn't get a minute by minute story.  She gets almost no story for the first 3 months of her life.  And she also doesn't get the person who brought her into this world.  Big time loss people.

I know that she has all of us, and she is a happy, whole girl for sure.  Please don't try to tell me all the ways she and we are fortunate.  We are.  We are all blessed beyond measure because of and in spite of adoption.  But tonight, I'm just going to pray.  I'm going to pray for her mama, who may or may not be thinking of Rebeka's minute by minute story. I'm going to pray for Rebeka, for the day when she realizes the greatness of her loss.  I'm going to pray for us, that we can be the parents Rebeka will need us to be.   And I'm going to cry a little too.  

I've Been Waiting for 9.5 Years. . .

To hear this.

Garrett is a good reader.  He's always been at or above grade level, but to be honest, he couldn't care less.  He would rather be building legos, shooting hoops, playing video games, or really anything else that doesn't include sitting still and reading alone.  (He loves to be read to.)

So, last year, he read all of the Diary of  Wim.py Kid books.  And loved them.  He went full speed ahead on them, and I thought we'd really turned a corner on the whole, 'not loving books' thing.  Until he was done, and he said, "I think I'm not going to read for a while- I'm just going to do something else."  Point taken.

However, throughout the past year, reading has steadily been gaining momentum with my sweet boy.  And as the 6th book in the series came out last week, Garrett insisted that I order it.  I did, but I am too cheap to pay for expedited shipping on Amazon so even though the book came out a few days ago, it won't arrive at Casa de Gibson until tomorrow.

Enter our hero, Nana Pam.  She scored a copy at her school and offered it up to Garrett until his arrived.  This was yesterday afternoon.  He's been reading every chance he's gotten since then.  For the first time EVER I had to TELL him to turn his flashlight off last night; he usually does it after his obligatory 20 or 30 minutes.  After he came home from playing in the neighborhood this evening he has been on the couch, reading.  No requests for video games.  No fighting with siblings.  He stopped to eat, and then back to reading.  He'll definitely finish the book tonight, which is another first for him!

Just now, (and this is the reason for this blog), he said to me, "Mom!  I have a really big problem!"  I asked him what it was and he answered, "Well, this book is just too good to stop reading.  But I know the one you ordered comes tomorrow and I don't want it to be a waste, so maybe I should stop!"

I assured my sweet, funny boy that he was welcome to finish the book, and that buying a book was never a 'waste.'

I really like him!

 

Snapshots

Oh my word, Rebeka is SO funny.


Today I was cutting up some mango for her.  "Mama!  I need more flamango!  More flamango, please!"


And last night Joel bbqed steak for us.  "Daddy, I love snake!  Thank you for the yummy snake!"


She loves 'blueblerries.'


And her mama.  {It's mutual.}

Home

I've been home from Ethiopia for 3 weeks now, pretty much exactly.

I still don't know what to say.

It was good and big and emotional and what I needed and yet didn't even come close, how could it?

I missed my babies and everyone, but part of me felt more whole than I've felt for a year and a half.

I loved flying without four children.

I ate the best doro wat of my life.

The kids did great without me.  I was so worried about them, especially Rebeka.  She did so well though.  She told people, "My mama is in Ethiopia, eating doro wat and injera!"  (I totally was.)  Carter went to Camp Tilikum for the first time, and even went on the Big Swing.  (The youngest any of my kids did it!)  I swear he grew three feet while I was gone.  My biggest Bigs were great too.  Ah, I love them so!

I love traveling, so much.  I would travel all the time, with my crew, if I could.  Seriously, constantly.

I belly laughed with Visty, a lot.  She was a great travel partner!

I have a lot to talk about, hopefully soon I can sort it all out.

Dire Dawa, the city where our sweet girl was born.

60 Hours. . .

.  .  . from now I'll be boarded on my plane.  Hopefully I'll be done crying from the heart wrenching goodbyes to my sweet babies and husband!


I'm almost packed.  I've found my TSA locks and my bright luggage tags.  I have 3 money belts to choose from (hate those things), and my passport is out.  I need to find my yellow fever paper, but my granola bars and wintergreen lifesavers are ready to go.  (Road trip or international travel- I always, ALWAYS, have wintergreen lifesavers!


I am focused.  I am excited.  I close my eyes and can feel Ethiopia.  Oh, I can't wait.  And I'm just so thankful.  I haven't done my Father's Day post yet, but I still have to shout out to the Daddy of my babies.  Honestly, as much as Joel loves Ethiopia, and as grateful as he is to Ethiopia for giving us Rebeka, he hasn't felt the pull or the urgency that I've felt and that has culminated in me returning.  But.  He's supportive.  He understands that I have to go.  Without his blessing I couldnt't and wouldn't do it, and I am so thankful.  And also, through all my preparation, I realize what a great team Joel and I are.  I'm going to really miss him on this adventure.  So, thank you Joel! I love you so much!

Last Days of School

These kids are getting bigger and bigger.  It's okay though, they are still pretty sweet!

Last Day of Kinder 

 Last Day of Sixth Grade

Last Day of Fourth Grade

Big Bigs walking to the bus together.  Sweet. 

If Mrs. M looks familiar it's because she's been in our first/last pictures for the past FOUR YEARS. Garrett had her for K, 1, 2, and now Carter had her again for K.  (And before all that, Maddy had her for K.)  We are going to M-I-S-S her- major!

Proud of my kids this year.  They worked hard, were responsible, and stretched themselves socially and academically.  It was an awesome year!

Out With the Old

Out with the old teeth, that is.  And the old kindergarten.  Tomorrow is the last day of school for my little Carter Mac here and today he lost his very first tooth.  That first sweet little tooth that first showed up about 5.5 years ago.  I cried when it came in then (no more toothless grin from my tiny baby boy), and I cried when it came out today.  Milestones, and all that.  He's such a big boy now.  He can ride his bike and swim and hit a baseball (t-ball).  He's scored soccer goals and can read books and do math in his head.  He's funny and smart and curious and the thought of sending him to first grade next year just about does me in.  (He'll have a wonderful teacher, I just will miss him so.)

I wish I would have gotten Abby's face here too- it was pure amazement, even though she's lost SIX TEETH already! 

 Congratulatory hug from Nana, who happened to stop by, just before the big incident!

So, yesterday Carter discovered that his tooth had gone from moderately loose to very wiggly, complete with a drop of blood.  This alternately sent him into hysterics, curled up in my lap- "I CAN'T MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT LIKE THIS!  YOU HAVE TO SLEEP WITH ME!" to pure excitement, even going next door at 8:00pm to show off.


He did make it through the night, and this evening that tooth was even more wiggly and twisty.  (I know, it makes me squirm too.  Carter told Nana Pam, "My mom doesn't do teeth!" when she asked if I was going to pull it.)  He tried an apple, but it hurt too much.  There was much wiggling, twisting and a little tugging by many family members, but we finally all gave up when it was decided that it wasn't quite 'hanging by a thread' yet.  Maybe five threads.  Carter wasn't sure he could make it through another night in this state, but Nana (who had stopped by to see the very loose tooth) gave Carter a cookie and he was happily munching it, when he came over and declared that he had a loose tooth on the top too.  What he in fact had, was a WINDOW IN HIS MOUTH because that sweet little bottom baby tooth had popped right out .  .  . AND WAS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN!


Cue the huge tears and deafening sobs because swallowing one's first lost tooth was just too much to bear.  Thankfully I found the little thing, in the carpet, near many telltale cookie crumbs.  All happiness was restored and Carter paraded around his siblings and closest friends.  Happy boy.  As you can see!


Before he went to bed Maddy gave him her 'tooth pillow', which was mine as a little girl too.  His white and pink and frilly, and he is so happy.  He said to her, "Maddy, I've never done this before.  Do I just put it in there, and the tooth fairy will come?"  {He melts her heart too.}  She got him all set up!  Hopefully the tooth fairy remembers to stop by The Gibson Six household tonight!


{Had to jump back here and add this link of when Garrett boy lost his first tooth.}