Window open, door closed

At the beginning of this year I was working 2 jobs. One full time and the other part time. I was in a car accident that hurt my back and couldnt work, both jobs anymore. It was a hard decision to make, but after several days contemplating and weighing the options, I decided to quit my part time job that I worked at for 5 years. Looking back now, I'm glad I did. Every time I think about maybe trying to go back, my head hurts and I get body aches and realized my body was telling myself I hated that place and don't want to go back. Ive only been working at Marriott for a little over a year. But an opportunity was available for me to do something different and I applied not thinking I would get the job. Well I did and put in my 2 weeks last week. Today was my last day at Marriott and it was bitter sweet. I met some amazing people and am going to miss the amazing hotel benefits (that I rarely used). I'm so excited to start my new career at SLCC! Ill be working in the registrars office and hoping to get more experience and develop my skills. I'll be taking a huge pay cut and still only working part time. But I'll be off all holidays and weekends so I wont miss church anymore lol and I'll be home more with my babies. I'm really hoping to get full time because Alex and I will both be able to go to school for FREE!!!!! So I'm totally looking forward to that. I'm excited for Monday because my future will really start. Cheers to the freakin weekend.

Left too soon

It's taken me awhile to write about her. But Im hoping once I do, Ill get over it and stop feeling stuck. It's gonna probably be long and a little too detailed because I'm writing as much as I can remember for my daughters Mele and Fara. So here it is. On Sept 10th we were supposed to be going to Tx for a week to visit my brother in law and his family. The flights looked really bad so I went into work to get some hours. I wasn't even there an hour til Mua called saying the nurse said we had to get to the hospital. We just thought it was normal because we're always there. If not for Char then for my dad. I went home and kept trying to get a hold of Benson. Then finally goth pick up Mua and my babies. I guess the hospital had been trying to get a hold of my parents, but the number Charlene left was her cell phone that broke so they finally called my parents bishop. The bishops wife came and took them to the hospital. By the time I got to my parents house, Mua said David and Linda were on their way to the hospital. We still didn't hear from Benson. I wanted to drop Mua off then I would run and check to see if Ben was home, but Mua didn't want to go to hospital without me and I knew we couldn't be there without him. We rushed to pick him up and rushed to get to the hospital. My mom kept yelling at to hurry, but it wasn't until David's call when we knew we had to really hurry. By the time we got to the hospital and got to her floor, my mom was in the waiting room yelling at us because she was pissed we took forever. We rang the stupid bell thingy for the doors to open and we couldn't answer when the girl was asking what room we were wanting because we were crying. We walk into Char's room and David and Linda were sitting on one side of her and my dad, sister Poloa, and Loretta (bishops wife) were standing on the other. Charlene was laying there and she looked...gone (I don't know how else to explain it.) we were literally 5 minutes late. Benson and I just stopped where we were and cried very ugly. Mua said she heard us from the elevator so she knew (she went to park the car because the valet wasn't there) we cried for about 20 minutes. Then we all got on our phones and tried calling everyone so my mom didn't have to. We didn't have any of the aunties #'s so I went straight to Facebook and reactivated my acct. I know sad, but grateful for facebook at that moment. On Tuesday night, my parents were in their room trying to rest, but they couldnt sleep. I went in and laid with them and started talking. That's when my dad told me what had happened on monday. I knew a little, but he told me the rest. My dad said when he and my mom got there, there were a ton of doctors and nurses in my sister's room. One dr came out and told them that Charlene's heart had stopped and they brought her back, stopped and brought her back, stopped and brought her back. They stood and watched while my sister fought for her life. My brother and Linda got there and told him, that Charlene had basically died and they brought her back. They had already been trying almost an hour. So they joined my parents watching my sister fight. They finally got her stable and thought maybe doing dialysis would help. After ten minutes the dr came back and talked to them. David told me that the dr said they can keep trying to bring her back, but she most likely won't be Charlene. So they decided to stop. The doctors told them that they should say goodbye while she's still here. My dad told me that my mom kept telling her to wait, we were almost there. He said she took a deep breath in like she was tired. Then he told her to not wait. He told her that he knows she's tired and that we would understand if she couldn't wait. My dad said he told her that we knew she loves us and that we love her. He told her that it's ok to go. He said she took took one last breath and she went to sleep. My parents then continued to tell me about how Charlene didn't want to go to the hospital. She's always hated going even tho she needs to. But she kept telling my mom that she needed to go to church because she needed to pay her tithing. She even stayed the whole 3 hours even tho she really needed to go to the hospital. Once church was over she finally agreed to go to the hospital. I'm so grateful for her testimony and faith. My dad then started talking about his conversion to the church. He started telling me about how the missionaries taught him and how he would go with them to find and teach people. I'm so grateful for his decision to get baptized. I'm also very grateful for those missionaries testimonies. My dad was baptized, my mom grew up a member, and then had us who also grew up in the church. I'm grateful for the example my sister left not only for us, but for my babies. She loved my nieces dearly. We are truly grateful for all our families and friends who brought stuff over and came to visit us. I'm grateful for my Uncle Sene and Aunty Leslie for rushing to be with my mom and my aunts Betty, Dorothy, Angel and Suzie who decided last minute to all come right away to be by my mom's side. I'm grateful for my parents ward and friends. I'm grateful for my own wonderful and amazing friends. I'm grateful for Edris and my cousins Mua, Alysha, Kale, Earline, and Jenny for coming over and helping in the kitchen. Also grateful that my cousins, Arial, Benji and kids, Camille and Puka, Josh, Tasha and girls, and the best cook ever my Uncle He-man. We wouldn't have made it thru that week without you guys. Love you all so much. I try not to cry in front on my babies, because I dont want them to think that talking about Aunty is a bad thing. Mele now gives me a hug and kisses me whenever she sees a pic of Charlene. And she tells me its ok mommy, I miss Aunty too. Or she'll start to pretend cry because she thinks I'm crying. When my babies think of their aunt, I want them to know that Charlene loved the Lord and she showed it til her last day. I want them to know that their Aunt had faith to always pay tithing to the very end. I want them to understand that she was tried her best to the very end to live righteously. That it's not a sad thing, but a great thing to think of what examples she's left behind. I've been in such a rut, and I'm really trying to dig my way out. I know if it wasnt for having to pay my tithing, I would most likely not go. Sad, but very true. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm not sure why I feel so stuck, but it will all work out soon. I'm so grateful for my friends who continue to check up on me. And for the Lord who continues to bless me and show me that He still loves me. I'll be me soon.

Not ready.

I know it's been a long time and the 2 or 3 people who read my blog have probably been waiting for my next post. Alex and I planned how many kids we wanted and how long we would wait to have the next ones. But what I didn't plan for was to have post partum depression after Fara. If we would've followed our plan we would probably be pregnant already and baby #3 would almost be here. Unfortunately, because of post partum, I've been so scared to have another one. To even think about having another makes my heart hurt and I even start to feel very uneasy and want to burst into tears. I don't think anyone expects or thinks they would ever feel depressed when something so small and precious comes to the world. My cousin Sharon just had her handsome baby boy Kaio. While I was holding him, I could totally picture having a son. Then I quickly got really scared and teary eyed and it really freaked me out thinking about being pregnany again. Maybe having morning sickness for 9 months also has some factor in wanting to wait a little longer. Although, I do lose so much weight being bulimic for 9 months. And I was in labor with Fara for 4 days. Aaahhhhh I'm just not ready. Alex came over and started hugging me and said that he's waiting. I was like waiting for what?...."A baby. Im baby hungry." My heart just hurts. I know he really wants a boy. And I really want to give him one. I'm just not sure when. I turn 30 this year so I know I don't have that much time. But I would love to spend my birthday not throwing up. And I'm worried what if I have another girl. Last week when we were talking about having more kids and the possibility of having all girls, he said he doesn't care if he has all girls anymore. He just wants more kids. I know my girls are ready. Mele keeps asking when her brother Joe (I don't know where she got that name from) is coming. And Fara tries to pick up every baby she sees, even tho to me, she's still a baby. Hopefully with the Lord's help, He'll heal my heart and erase my memory of this traumatic experience. I love Alex. He's the man of my dreams. I just hope he'll be a little more understanding if we end up waiting a little longer than planned.

Happy 27th birthday

Today at 9:30am 27 years ago, the biggest BYU fan Alexander S Fiefia was born. We just found out it was at 9:30am a couple of days ago on his birthday certificate. I know we don't have much and can't do all the big things on your birthday, but I hope you enjoy your birthday. We've been thru so much this past year both good and bad. And I wish that this next year is even better for you.

This pic is of him and Mele 2 years ago exactly.

Goodbye Facebook, again

I deleted my Facebook! And it felt good. There are really a lot of reasons why and the main one is I just spend way too much time on. It's probably the last thing I check before I go to bed and the first thing I do when I wake up. Its become automatic that even when I'm trying to do something else I automatically check Facebook. So it's gone. I hope for good but I can't guarantee. I'm gonna try at least til the end of the year and then try longer if I make it. I deleted the app from my phone and since Alex uses my iPad I can't delete it from here. But i make sure he's logged off because the notifications are tempting for right now. I'm hoping to read more and blog more. Good riddens and good night.

On our own

I can't believe that I haven't written since last year. I haven't posted about so many wonderful events. My little bear Fara turned one on January 24th. She had 3 days to part and birthday cake which I think was her favorite. We had so many pics but Alex accidentally erased them off the iPad. My favorite video was of Mele singing happy birthday to Fara. It was so cute. Oh and all our Christmas pics. Alex got me an iPad 2 for Christmas, although I still think it was more for him than me. But I do use it quite a bit.
The most recent event is that we moved out on our own! I can't begin to explain how wonderful it feels. The first morning I woke up, I couldn't stay sleeping lol. We went to bed so late and I woke up at 8. It was the best feeling waking up and it was just us. I'm so grateful that we have this time to just be with us. This is the first place that's been just ours since ever. Even when Alex and I got married we lived with his family. Then we moved out but my family lived with us. Then we moved back to his parents. After over 3 years of marriage, it's just us and the girls. I feel very blessed. Alex promised me that we would be out no later than February, and we moved in on march 1st. I still have a few boxes in the girls room and mine to unpack. We just got our couches today. And now we just need to buy a kitchen table and chairs and we're set. Mele loved our new place, but Fara wasn't used to it. She just kept walking around crying then come to hug, then go back to walking and crying. Now she's ok, but I think she misses going to her nana's everyday and seeing her Aunty. She still goes to her great grandma Mele's at least twice a week which she and Mele loves. But I know they miss seeing their cousins Hannah, Daphne, and Siua.
Isi moved to Texas for work and so Lisi's sisters watch them while she's at work so she doesn't have to waste gas and her work is literally 5 minutes from her house. And I know Mele misses her Grandma Mea. We had to go to the house today to get Alex's clippers and Mele ran straight to Mea's room, but they were gone to Cali.
Alex and the girls have been sick these last 2 weeks and it has been hell! And what sucks even more is when Alex goes to work and at night I have to pick him up, I gotta pack up the girls. Which I had to do when we lived with our parents if no one else was home, but the car was right outside. Now it's kind od a walk and if I gotta take them one by one, that's like 5 min I would have to leave one by themselves while I ran back to the apt to get the other one. So I have to keep them awake so that Mele can walk herself. And if I had to run to the store, same problem. Gotta pack up the girls and walk far to our car. It's really not that far, but with 2 babies it can be a trek. Those are the only big problems we run into is packing up the girls in the dark to go to the car. And I miss having a babysitter when my mom lived with us. I love that no one's there to go over my rules I set for the girls and undermines my parenting, but it sucks because when I do need help, I can't just knock on the door.
Overall I love our new apartment. Oh one more con...it's in Glendale. I just got used to living in Rose Park and now I gotta get used to Glendale. We tried looking every where in Rose Park. But Alex just wanted to check it out and he was sold by the price. We have 2 bedrooms, 2 full baths, washer/dryer in the unit all for under $650. Everywhere else without the washer/dryer was still $100 or $150 more. I couldn't argue with him because it was way under our budget and it included an extra bathroom and washer/dryer.
Since we got our couches it actually feels like home. I love my husband and all he does to make me happy.

Little Bear's already 1

One year ago today Alex and I were once again blessed with another precious and beautiful gift from our Heavenly Father. Her name is Fara Leilani and she arrived on January 24 2011 at 9:38pm. I cant believe she's already 1. She's still a baby. When Mele turned 1 she was so grown, talking, walking and already had her own agenda. Side note: I hated and still hate when my parents compared me to my siblings so I don't want to put my babies thru that. When Fara was born she looked just like her daddy. When Alex and i were dating, i used to call him teddy like teddy bear because he was so cuddly. And thats how Fara got her nick name Little Bear or Bear. You just wanna snuggle up with her. Our goal was to have her walking before her first birthday and that was a success. Just by a few days. We made this deal with Mele that once she starts walking she'll get shoes and we've passed it on. Baby shoes are so expensive just for looks so we decided to not buy them shoes until they actually need it.

Fara you're so skinny and tall. You're smart and beautiful. Now that you can actually defend yourself you definitely don't let Mele get away with bullying you. And you have the funniest swing ever. You swing both your arms from side to side and stop once they make contact haha I can't stop laughing thinking about it. Although you and Mele fight a lot, you love seeing her in the morning. Or if Mele sleeps at Nana's house and someone's just c
Saying Mele's name, you're frantically looking around to find her. You love talking on the phone la la la LOVE taking baths and swimming. You're growing up so fast and I'm so sad I lost my camera because I missed a lot of wonderful moments. And daddy deleted all the pics we had on the iPad. But no worries we have the rest of your life to capture more moments! Aaahhh I just realized the video of you first walking was deleted by daddy. Ugh he's lucky he used a coupon. We love you Bear. Happy birthday.