the bad fairy

Henry's first loose tooth came out on Dec. 23rd. Bill noticed that it was gone after dinner that night, and asked Henry about it:

"Henry! Did your tooth come out?"

"Yes."

"Well where is it?"

"It's on the table."

Except it wasn't on the table, or on the floor, or anywhere else in the house. Bill and I searched for quite awhile, and all we found were LOTS of little white crumbs that could resemble a baby tooth until you squeezed them and they crumbled into even smaller crumbs.

We think he must have swallowed it.

So that was disappointment number one. Despite talking about it for weeks, Henry didn't notice or care when his first loose tooth finally left him.

(Sidebar: baby Henry got his first tooth over Memorial Day weekend, 2000. He was 9 months old and we were visiting my brothers in Chicago. Henry cried and slept a lot all weekend, and voila, a tooth appeared.)

If Henry were a typical kid (well, he probably would have kept track of the tooth, for one thing). But, if he were a typical kid and had misplaced the tooth, he probably would have been distraught about the tooth fairy- will she still bring me some money, without the tooth under my pillow?!

I intended to slip some money under the pillow and say that the tooth fairy magically knows when you've lost a tooth, even if there's no physical evidence.

But the next day was Christmas Eve, and Henry never mentioned the tooth or the tooth fairy. So I just dropped it. I had other fantasy night visitors to worry about: Santa and the reindeer.

I told a few co-workers about this, and they acted like I'm violating some kind of mommy law.

I feel this tug-of-war: should I try to force my autistic child to do "normal" kid stuff, like get really freaked out about the tooth fairy? Or, if he doesn't care, is it ok for me to not care? Am I taking advantage of his autism to get out of doing my mommy duty?

Last night (5 days after the loss of the tooth) I suggested writing a note to the tooth fairy ("Dear Tooth Fairy, My tooth came out on Saturday, but I can't find it. From Henry"). Henry's attitude was basically "if you want to do that mom, knock yourself out." I stuck a $5 bill under his pillow this morning, but he didn't notice it.

So who are all these fairy tales for, anyway?

some christmas pictures

First I have to say that you may notice a predominance of Thomas photos lately, vs. Henry photos. That's because Henry has become camera-shy lately and puts his head down, celebrity-like, whenever the camera comes out.

We had a great holiday weekend. Both boys helped me make some cookies:

Daddy came through and helped Santa find the Dog Magic Wand on Christmas eve. It turns out that this thing comes with disks that shoot out through voice activation. Pretty fun for little boys, daddies, and even Grandpas:

We didn't even open ALL the gifts, because we will have another Christmas with Kate when she comes back from her mom's house.

Bill got me a beautiful "mother's necklace" with birthstones for all three children. I got him a "weather monitor" from Brookstone.

I took Henry to his swimming lesson yesterday, which I haven't done in several months- it's daddy's thing. (But daddy is out of town this week.) Henry has had a new swimming instructor since September, whom I had never met.

His previous teacher was very nurturing, soft-spoken, and kind. This teacher seemed kind also, but stern and very by-the-book.

Henry got in the pool and she asked him to name "2 pool rules". He said "don't run" and "have fun."

They then proceeded to work hard for the next half hour. She had him swimming on his front and back, treading water, jumping in, and gathering rings from the bottom of the pool. I grew more and more amazed as the time went on. With his previous teacher, he would ask to do different things, or try to negotiate with her, and he would often ask if they were finished. With this instructor, he did everything she said- no questions, no protests.

They tread water in the deep end and he would slowly slip under the water. She would just stand there and say "head up, Henry", and eventually he would come back up! Then she told him to climb out. He paddled over to the edge and heaved himself out. Henry has never had much upper body strength, so I was impressed with that effort! He jumped in, and she told him to do it again. He paddled over to the edge, and asked for help. She stood her ground and said "you did it once, you can do it again". I was getting pretty edgy at this point- ready to shout "just help him, for God's sake! He can't do it!" But she was firm and patient and Henry eventually did it!

When he got out of the pool, I told him that it was the best swimming lesson I'd ever seen, and that I was so proud of how much work he did and what a good listener he had been.

Definitely a lesson learned for me: wimpy and nurturing does not do as much good for my son as firm and steadfast.

I used to just be happy that he was getting some exercise and feeling comfortable in the water. But after yesterday, I am actually thinking he'll become a very capable swimmer.
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We went to Kate's basketball game last night (her team won). It's not easy to do with just one adult, but I kept the boys eating concession stand food (Henry was awfully hungry after all that swimming), and we made it through the whole game.

At one point Thomas was climbing around on the bleachers, and hopped across in front of Henry and then back again. I knew that this would bug Henry, and Henry would do something.

As Thomas came back in front of him, Henry stuck out his foot to trip him.

Tommy fell and cried, probably LOUDER than necessary. I gave Henry a very angry look and hissed "I saw what you did. That is not ok! You can't hurt your brother."

After Thomas stopped crying (he wasn't hurt), Henry came over to me looking strangely defiant and sad at the same time. Gazing right into my eyes, he reached over and pinched my cheek.

This happens often. I think that Henry feels sorry for what he did, and mad at me for scolding him, all at the same time. I'm never quite sure how to handle it. The incident was past, and Thomas was fine, so I said "it's ok, Henry", and tried to hug him. He shouted "NO OK!" and his lip quivered.

He sat down by me and calmed down pretty quickly. I understand why he tripped Tommy. The little brother was being irritating. The part that's tricky is that Henry is so sensitive to being scolded. And maybe doesn't have the language ability to say "well, he was bugging me because he kept bumping into me and I couldn't see the game..."

And then there's the fact that Tommy does these things purposely to get a rise out of Henry and get him in trouble. They're such typical brothers... and yet not typical.

good gift idea and the dog magic wand

You already know that I'm in love with Henry's bus driver. Well, she just keeps getting more perfect. Look what she gave him for Christmas:

It's a "Bop Bag". The intention is that you punch the bag, it falls down, and then pops back up. But Henry loves to wrestle it and roll around on the floor with it. I am thinking/hoping that it will really meet some of his sensory needs. Maybe the ones that he now meets by wanting to "rough house" a lot.

It's been a great initiator to get him to just move his body. The only problem is that both boys fight over this toy. But I ask you: what toy DON'T they fight over?

The same day I posted about "what the hell is a dog magic wand?" The answer was given to me!

Henry had made a stocking at school, and cut out pictures to glue on it. As we were admiring all his artwork, Thomas said "and there is the dog magic wand!" It turns out to be (I should have known) a Power Ranger thing. A sort of scepter with an animal face at the top. What luck that Henry had cut out a picture! Now all I have to do is find one. Surely they'll have it at Toys R Us?

the season

I don't feel as manic this holiday season as I sometimes do. Other years I've been driven to try to get Henry to make a gift for his teachers (this translates into Henry being frustrated and me doing all the work) and/or bake something for them.

This year I just bought them some pretty candles at Bath and Body Works.

Other years I've felt driven to bake Christmas cookies. This year I am not feeling that urge. Maybe, if we have time Christmas weekend or the following, we'll do that. Why do I make myself a stressful agenda every year that no one cares about but me?? It's not like I need to eat the cookies!

Almost all my shopping is done, but I haven't even attempted to take the Christmas card photo yet. I am tempted to just skip Christmas cards altogether this year, but then I worry that distant friends will think that I didn't send them a card in particular. They won't know that I didn't send anyone a card...

Tommy enjoyed decorating the tree this year (Henry didn't want any part of decorating it, although he likes to admire the tree). Notice that Thomas tends to hang all his ornaments in the same general area:

Also, please notice that, in addition to his Batman pajama top, he is wearing jeans with elastic ankles, pulled up to his knees to resemble shorts (or "big pants").

Our homework assignment this week for Henry's class was to list some holiday activities our family enjoys, for them to discuss in class. Then Henry was supposed to "write a sentence and draw a picture" about one of the activities:

We like to bake cookies and banana bread together. I'm not sure what the picture is supposed to depict, and I never want to ask him- I feel like he will be offended that I can't tell what it is. He drew a circle (a bowl?) and then a series of half-circle-type shapes (bananas?). He made the first B, I wrote the rest of that word, and then he wrote BRED on his own.

Yesterday Henry's class went on a field trip to see Santa and shop for their families at the dollar store:

Henry told Santa that he wants The Fox and the Hound II DVD for Christmas. No problem. I would like to take Tommy to see Santa Claus, except that he plans to ask for "a dog magic wand". I have no idea what in the hell that is. I hope the elves know how to make one.

another A word

Like my friend Salome, my mind makes bizarre connections. They come without warning and won't leave when I tell them to.

The funeral on Friday was nice- I mean, as nice as a funeral can be. As one of my aunts said, my uncle gave us a gift in that we all were able to see one another to remember him. I don't think I've seen any of these aunts, uncles, or cousins, since at least my wedding (9.5 years ago) and longer, for those who weren't able to attend my wedding.

There were hugs and hand-holding and exclamations over how much Thomas looks like me and my brothers when we were small. Dad and I looked through the photo album together and I heard some great stories.

Dad is the youngest of 11 children. His mother suffered from Alzheimer's Disease, as did this brother who just passed away. A sister was unable to attend the funeral because she is in the advancing stages of the disease.

This is the same side of the family that we have suspected to carry autistic traits. Autism and Alzheimer's. Two brain conditions which make it difficult to communicate- difficult to relate to the world around you and the people who love you.

I'll just stop there, because I don't really know what point I'm trying to make. I am NOT saying that Autism is a disease. And I'm not saying that the blessing of having an autistic person in your life is in any way comparable to having a loved one suffer from Alzheimer's. And I'm sure that someone will tell me off for even mentioning these two conditions in the same paragraph.

I'm just saying that these two "A" words collided in my life and in my brain last week, and I'm trying to sort it out.

I'm not scared of autism anymore. Haven't been for years. But I am scared of Alzheimer's Disease.

mostly shitty week

It turns out there's a full moon this week.

Monday I had to have a cavity filled. I'm not usually afraid of the dentist, but maybe I should be. Maybe it's been several years since I've had a filling and they've made their drills LOUDER and SLOWER to drill since then. I was initially told that it was a small cavity. But after drilling for 10 minutes the dentist said "well, I'm glad we got that one. It was deeper than I thought. You might have some sensitivity in that tooth for a while."

Tuesday someone must have slipped some speed in my coffee. I decided to do some Christmas shopping AND grocery shopping on my lunch hour. This entails bringing all the refrigerated stuff into the office kitchen and then taking it back home at the end of the day. I also decided to take both boys to Kate's basketball game by myself.

Bill and Kate had games at the same time, and after our success last week, I thought this would be easy. Hello? Why, exactly, did I think that? Yes, we sat through Kate's games last week. But Bill was with me at both games, and Tommy's godmother was with us at another. Gosh, that's a higher kid/adult ratio than 2:1.

Needless to say, it went terribly. For one thing, we weren't allowed to eat in this school's gym. Food from the concession stand is a sure-fire way to get the boys to sit still. Instead, they ate in the hall outside and I watched through the gym door. Until, that is, I turned around to see Henry dragging his brother down the hall. They do this irritating brother thing where Tommy bugs Henry until Henry grabs him and then Tommy screams and whines and then I break them up and then they go right back for more.

Henry's awesome bus driver (she greeted him on Monday with some ads from the newspaper- he LOVES those- how did she know?!) had driven the basketball team's bus that night. She came over and tried to talk to us, and Henry's behavior just got worse and worse. I don't know if he was showing off for her, or was freaked out to see her in a different place... Whatever it was, he and Tommy tormented one another for another 20 minutes or so, and then we left. I lectured them all the way home. (And then needed to unload the groceries that had been in the van for hours.)

I snapped at Bill when he got home, telling him that we were having a bad night and the boys were in trouble. So that put him in a shitty mood right there with me. Then, when I tried to tell him about what had happened, I got all dramatic about "every other family goes to these games and watches and why can't we just do that like a normal family?!" He gave me the look that I usually give other people (the "you are the biggest idiot I know" look) and said "we aren't a normal family."

I forgot to mention here that while I was running my errands at lunchtime, my dad called to tell me that one of his brothers had passed away. Dad comes from a very large family, but I knew this uncle a little better than some of the others. One of my brothers has his middle name. He was a Lutheran minister and has a daughter my age that I spent time with in the summers. He had been sick with Alzheimer's for years, so it is one of those situations where the family has been grieving for him for a long time. What a horrific disease.

This news was not a surprise, but sad nonetheless.

The final straw in my day, oddly enough, was when a friend called to tell me that she had to have her dog put to sleep.

Man, what a rough night. I wanted to blog about it right then, but our computer wouldn't boot up and then gave me an error message and then I decided to download some virus protection software instead of blogging...

The next morning (Wednesday) Henry woke up with a fever. It turned out that he had an ear infection! I was actually relieved, because I thought maybe that explained why he was being so "bad" the night before.

Today I am attending my uncle's funeral service.

But I wanted to end on a positive note:

Henry has been putting his fingers in his mouth all week, and saying his mouth "itched". I finally looked in there last night, and his two front teeth are coming in, behind the baby teeth!!! How exciting! I can remember the same thing happening with Kate- her saying that her teeth felt funny, me looking in there and screeching with excitement about the big teeth! What a big boy Henry is.

And best of all, here's what his notebook said yesterday:

12-7 Great Day! Henry was in a good mood - did all assignments without asking for help! Went to first grade and could answer all the questions about words, and won word bingo!
Super Day - didn't have to remind him of the rules once.

I sure let Henry know how proud I was of him! Funny what a change an antibiotic can make, eh?

Have a good weekend.

random thoughts

I started throwing down some random thoughts this week and will try to elaborate on as many as I can before Thomas wakes up from his nap!

1. We went to Kate's first home basketball game this week and I was so pleased because we were all able to stay for the entire game. When Henry got fidgety, he would lay on the bleacher with his head in my lap and watch the clock count down. When he was watching the game, he would echo everything his father shouted. This was appropriate when Bill shouted "nice pass", for example. More amusing when Bill shouted "box out!" or "traveling!"

Both boys liked watching the cheerleaders, and the mascot (a lion) was even in attendance. Henry didn't care much for the mascot, but Tommy gave him/her five a few times.

The band came in before the Varsity game, and both boys REALLY enjoyed that as well.

2. Thomas has been a challenge this week. He still enjoys wearing costumes, but since Halloween, has now refined his interest to always wanting his lower legs exposed. He always wants to wear shorts. But he calls them "big pants" which took me awhile to decipher:

me: Why don't you wear these red pants today?

Tommy: Are they big?

me: Umm, yes, they are long pants.

Tommy (trying them on): Ooooooh, these are not big pants!!! (Many, many tears)

You might think that one could roll ones pants up in this situation. But then there is the dreaded danger that they might come unrolled at any moment. This would result in a panicked shriek: "ooooh, these are falling doooown!"

I am just caught a bit off guard by this compulsive behavior. I've heard of little girls who will wear only dresses, etc. But a boy who will only wear shorts? A very wise friend hypothesized that this has to do with his love of superheroes. Although they don't wear shorts, most of them wear tights, which reveal all the curves of their legs. My friend thinks Tommy feels he must expose the muscles in his legs at all times.

His logic can be quite amusing:

me: lets put on your pull-up for bedtime.

Thomas: weeewl (well), Batman doesn't wear a pull-up.

me (thinking that Batman also doesn't wear shorts in December): well, he did when he was 2.
The funniest thing happened Friday night- I got this bright idea that if Tommy picked out some of his own long pants, maybe he'd be more willing to wear them. (Most of his clothes are Henry hand-me-downs, and of all Henry's quirks, he has never cared about how he dressed.)
So we went to Old Navy to find some "cool clothes". He wandered around until he found a pair of 0-3 month size girls' khaki pants. "Here are some big pants!" he shouted. I told him several times (pointing to the label, as if he could read it!) that these were baby pants, and they wouldn't fit him.
He would not be persuaded, so I said "ok, let's try them on." I figured that the only way he would give up on those pants would be to see that they didn't fit. So he took off his shoes and pants, right there in the aisle, and tried the baby girl khakis on.
They fit.
They were skintight and flared a bit at the knee, and I laughed my ass off. I made a vow to carry my camera with me at all times, because this was too good to not share.
So then came the tantrum, when I made him take off these awesome "big" pants, that fit just right.
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Well, I only got through 2 topics, but it's time to put up the Christmas tree...

thanksgiving

Here I am on Thanksgiving with my two brothers and my two sons. You wouldn't believe how often I start to call Henry (oldest kid) by the older brother's name (Christian) and same with the 2 baby boys. I especially do it a lot when we are all together like this. It's like I'm caught in a time warp: am I the big sister or the mother?

Wilfred is the brother who lives in Australia. He brought those koala bear ears for my kids supposedly, but he and Paul seemed to spend a lot of time wearing them. I think all Australians must actually walk around with koala bear ears. I'll have to visit someday to find out for sure.

We had a wonderful almost-week of holiday stuff. Wilfred and Paul visited us at home for a couple days, and then we all moved on to mom and dad's house. Henry's behavior was much improved over last year. It may be because our visit was shorter, but I like to think it is also because he is growing up.

He and Tommy came to the dinner table a bit early, and were finished eating their crescent rolls and cranberry sauce right about the time the rest of us sat down. But he was overall much more agreeable about getting off of Grandma's computer and complying with other requests. And when the boys and I went to the zoo on the day after Thanksgiving, we had this exchange:

Henry: Can we please stop in the gift shop?

Me: I don't think we'll go to the gift shop today.

Henry: Why will we not go to the gift shop today?

No yelling or running away or bolting into the gift shop in defiance. He just calmly asked me why not? He did proceed to make the same request several more times, but I held my ground, and he held his composure. Yay for us both!

MG was right on about the #&*@!&# water heater. It died a horrible death this weekend and we had to get a new one. Just what you want to spend hundreds of dollars on during the holiday season! Luckily, Lowe's decided to give us some credit, and provided emergency same-day installation, so it had a somewhat happy ending.

medical visits

Tommy's caregiver called Thursday afternoon: "Tommy's had an accident. He and (another boy) were holding hands and running back and forth. Tommy fell and hasn't moved his arm since then-it's been about 45 minutes."

So we were off to the Children's Hospital Emergency Room- almost exactly 6 months after my last visit there, when Henry had pneumonia.

Tommy sat quietly on my lap for about 2 hours in the waiting room. He would whimper and cry briefly at random times, or if we moved. When the nurse examined him, she mentioned something called nursemaid's elbow and called the resident in to check it out. When they asked him where it hurt, though, Thomas kept pointing to his wrist. So we were sent to x-ray.

The x-ray technician lifted Tommy's arm, turned it underside-up, and asked me to hold it firm. This produced some tears from both mother and child. After the x-ray, the tech gave Tommy some stickers. The next thing I know, he's using both hands to peel the stickers and affix them all to the front of his shirt.

So it was nursemaid's elbow after all, and the process of manipulating the arm for the x-ray had remedied it. I was quite relieved. Tommy has had no pain since, but we do need to be careful not to pull him by the hand, as he'll be more susceptible to the injury from now on.


Saturday morning we all visited the dentist. The past few times both boys have observed Bill and I getting our cleanings. Henry has refused to let them clean his teeth, but has allowed the dentist to count them.

This was Tommy's first cleaning, and he behaved just as I expected: perfectly! This child sits so still for haircuts and doctor visits- I think God was trying to balance out my children's personalities in this regard- He must have decided that I've been through enough stress holding Henry still for medicine dosing and doctor appointments, He thought He'd throw me a bone with the kid who insists on wearing a costume every single day of his life, but is very cooperative for teachers, doctors, and other professionals.

But the surprise of the visit was that Henry decided to let the hygienist clean his teeth!!!!!!!!! Everyone shout Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so relieved about this also because I had this nagging guilt at the back of my mind: my child is 7 years old and has never been to the dentist. I intended to make an appointment at an office that specializes in special needs kids, but of course have never gotten around to it.

I am so so so proud of Henry. I think he just needed a few visits with us to get the lay of the land and wrap his mind around the idea- about a year and a half of mulling it over, and he was ready!

He chose a Pirates of the Caribbean pencil as his treat, and told me that he wanted "to use it for teacher and independent" at school.

a day off to catch up

Ha!

My office is closed today for Veteran's Day. The older kids still have school, and I plan on taking Thomas to his sitter today anyway. I've been so excited to have a day to myself, but my list of things to do keeps growing by the minute.

I thought I'd get a start on Christmas shopping, maybe exercise (my resolve in that area has dwindled lately), clean the house, figure out what to do about our leaky water heater, catch up on laundry, write a blog post... all before Henry gets home from school at 4.

I've been wanting to share some entries from our communication notebook with Henry's teacher:

10/16
Henry had a rough day today. Didn't want to do work, but did a great job in APE (Adapted Phys Ed) with one on one help. Lots of touching and kicking. We bumped up rewards for good behavior but weren't too successful. I'm sure tomorrow will be better.

10/17
Better afternoon-worked well with OT and one on one in class. Still not completing independent work. But much better than yesterday.

10/23
Great morning- love the haircut. Did some independent. We are working with clothespins and other fine motor to strengthen fingers. It is not his favorite. OK afternoon very touchy with other students. Will continue to work on that.

10/24
Forgot to tell you we are taking Henry to 1st grade* for snack and read aloud (started yesterday). He did well, working on not talking out, getting used to a big group and taking turns. Henry and a few of the students are becoming a little aggressive during tag (grabbing and pulling instead of tagging) so we are redirecting tag to other things for now.** Trying to keep hands and feet to themselves at school.

*She means the "regular" first grade class. It bugs me that they call it "going to first grade" because he IS a first-grader and is doing first grade work, no matter what room he is in. But it doesn't seem worth quibbling with her over the wording...

**They were all excited when the boys in this class started playing tag together. But it didn't take long for them to get carried away. Typical boys in that regard.

(I wrote back that Henry had told me he did something "with the first graders" so I was glad that he had been excited enough about it to communicate it to me! I was pleasantly surprised that they'd decided to do some inclusion, considering all the trouble it seemed like he'd been having with doing independent work and with using un-gentle hands.)

10/26
... Didn't go to 1st grade today because of tantrum at playground and wouldn't walk into the school. 1st grade time is right after playground in the morning...

10/27
Great morning- better independent work. Has indoor recess did a little better with hands. He has started taking off his glasses when he doesn't want to do his work.

(Maybe this is why the nose pieces of his glasses are always breaking.)

10/30
Good day-did much better letting go of grip on students and teachers today :-) Really good mood!

11/1
Big afternoon, power went out for 45 minutes. Henry did great. Had a little trouble figuring out why computer didn't work but everything else was fine.

11/6
Henry had a really rough morning scratching, kicking peers. Refused to do anything in APE. But the great news is the rest of the day was fantastic! He went to music with 1st grade & calendar time. We were very proud of him! We are going to try adding more 1st grade time and see how he does :-)

11/7
Not the best day today. Lots of grabbing and scratching. He did go to library with 1st grade.

11/8
Much better day. Keeping hands to himself much more. Listening to directions and completing work.

(Yesterday they had a field trip to a local candy factory and a pizza place for lunch)
11/9
Great day- very good at factory, ate lots at (pizza place) and we also got to see some of the Veteran's parade. He loved the bands and waving his new flag.
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I often see no rhyme or reason to Henry's good days vs. bad days. He seems to be making good progress, so I will just roll with it.

Time to get everyone ready for school, so I will save our most recent Emergency Room visit for my next post!

By the way, I don't take for granted the reason for my day off today. Thanks to all the vets who've sacrificed so much for all of us. Especially my dad who went to Vietnam when I was a newborn infant. (I'll have to find some pictures to post from that era!)

The busy basketball season is starting at our house. Bill and Kate are gone a lot and it's just me and the boys at home together. I am trying to take this opportunity to consciously BE with my kids. Too many times I try to get them interested in something so that I can do something else. And not usually something fun- usually I'm doing laundry or dishes or paying bills.

The Friday before last, before Halloween, Bill had basketball practice and Kate went to a friend's house. Henry played on the computer for awhile and Tommy and I played with the winter hats and gloves and scarves! We pretended it was snowing, and we were building a snowman and throwing snowballs and making snow angels. (All of this was Thomas' idea, of course. I can't come up with ideas like that!)

I don't know if I can convey how fun Thomas' imagination is. He is obviously more imaginative than Henry, but I think even more so than Kate was. Well, maybe that's not accurate, maybe I just don't remember Kate being 2.5 anymore. But we had fun together. Sometimes his imagination can be exhausting, but still great!

That Friday afternoon my sister-in-law had alerted me that It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown would be on at 8. So the boys and I snuggled up on the couch to watch it. I was a little concerned that they might not "get it"--that these old cartoons wouldn't make sense to my modern kids. But they really loved the program. They laughed a lot at Snoopy and wondered whether the Great Pumpkin would appear. Most of all, for me, it was bliss to be on the couch with an arm around each boy. Was there a happier mom anywhere that night?

Saturday morning we headed out for "Boo at the Zoo". The kids wear their costumes and sponsors set up "treat stations" throughout the zoo. The weather was COLD and WINDY but not so bad as we went in and out of the buildings. The treats were kind of lame- lots of mini tootsie rolls. And I was irritated to find several groups handing out gum and jawbreakers- not really safe for little ones. (I noticed this AFTER Thomas had chewed and swallowed his first piece of gum.)

We went on the boat ride and that was extra fun because we had to snuggle together to keep warm. Me and my sweet little blond Darth Vaders. (They look like innocent young Anakin somehow predicting his dark future.) I'm sure that Henry liked the boat ride most of all. (The picture up at the top is from the boat ride.)

This past Saturday we visited the library, did some shopping, and visited Daddy at work (sometimes he has to work on Saturday mornings). Sunday we went to church and then walked to the playground. The trip to the playground was a little forced- Henry really didn't want to go, and made that painfully clear the whole time. The only part he enjoyed was walking through all the piles of leaves along the way, and I was afraid that some grumpy old man would come out and yell at us for messing up his leaf piles.

I'm struggling a bit right now to find some common ground with Henry. He doesn't seem to like doing puzzles as much anymore- something that was a guaranteed activity together a year ago. He likes playing games on the computer a lot, but that is such an isolated individual activity. Especially in our house, where the computer is shoved down in a basement corner. L's husband is one of those guys who finds deals on e-bay all time, and she said that he could help us get a cheap laptop. I am thinking about doing that, so that Henry could at least sit at the dining room table to play his games. Any thoughts about that or other new activities for us to do together?

a true Halloween horror story

When Thomas and I arrived home at 5 last night, ready for some trick-or-treating, Bill told me "Henry isn't home yet."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
The bus always drops him off at 4 pm. Bill thought that maybe because of the rainy weather and/or Halloween parties at school, the bus was running late. An hour late.
"I'm going to run over to the school," I said. (What I meant was: I'm going to run over to Kate's school to see if Henry's with her. )
"I'll go." Bill said. He headed over to the school complex, stuck his head in to Kate's practice, didn't see Henry in there, and went on to the elementary school. He was able to get in touch with Henry's teacher, and confirm that she had placed Henry on the bus.
Meanwhile, at home, I searched frantically for the school bus driver's phone number. I know she has given it to me, but could not, in the heat of the moment, find it anywhere. In desperation, I called the police.

I told the dispatcher my name, and that my son hadn't come home from school.

She asked me to describe him.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy: having to describe your child to the police.

"He has kind of wavy blond hair. And he's wearing a Darth Vader costume."

"Can you tell me anything else about him? Like, does he wear glasses?"

"Yes, yes, he wears glasses." How could I have forgotten to mention the glasses?

She said they had all their officers working that night, and she would have them start looking for Henry. A 3 ft. tall kid wearing a Darth Vader costume on Halloween night. No problem.

I told her that my husband had gone up to the school and was going to see if Henry was with our daughter at basketball practice.

Bill was still in Henry's classroom and had started calling the parents of other kids in Henry's class, to see if their sons got home ok.

A police officer called me back to ask me more questions: what was his bus number?

"I don't know- it's just the one bus." I know I sounded like a complete idiot at this point, but I have never looked at the bus number. The rest of our district is not bussed- the only kids who ride the bus are the special ed kids. Why did the police officer not know that?

While I was talking/blubbering to him, someone interrupted him to say that they had found Henry- in the high school gymnasium with the basketball team!

I was so relieved, but still confused.

Kate's practice was supposed to start at 3:30. Henry's bus doesn't drop him off until 4. So how was it that those two crossed paths?

Bill says that it didn't even occur to him that Henry might be with Kate. It was the only thing that occurred to me. If he wasn't with her, he was with an awful person for horrific reasons that I can't even let my mind put into complete thoughts.

The police dispatcher had asked if Henry might have gone to a friend's house? Or started trick-or-treating early, on his own? No no no no- you don't know my son. He's different than other 1st graders. He wouldn't have done either of those things.

I know all's well that ends well. The boys got to go trick-or-treating and had no ill effects from the 1/2 hour of confusion.

Our busy schedules, combined with some miscommunication, just got the better of us this time.

But I feel like a cold mist of dread has settled over me and I just can't shake it.

This may very well have been the worst experience of my life. It runs neck and neck with the afternoon spent at the emergency room last May. That was awful, but at least I was with Henry and holding on tight to him.

Now I feel like I never want to let him go again.

(Tommy was going to be Darth Vader also, but at the last minute switched to the Human Torch.)

It's not echolalia- it's just me!

This has happened a couple times this week:

Henry was talking to himself-having a little dialogue about Star Wars or The Lion King...

Tommy said "Henry, what is that from?"

(Because usually, Henry is repeating a script, and that is a question we ask to insert ourselves into his world.)

But this time, Henry seemed confused. "I don't know." He replied.

Tommy tried to rephrase the question "Henry, who says that?"

Henry started to get agitated "I don't know who says that!"

And that was when the light bulb went on: I realized that HE was the one who said it. It was something that Henry made up in his own little head.

Poor Henry- even when he comes up with something on his own, the rest of us don't recognize it! Yet another bittersweet moment.

monkey see monkey do

The whole idea of the big-brother influence is turned on its head when the big brother has an autism spectrum disorder.

Take this picture, for example:

Tommy was doing a great job with his fork. But then he noticed that his brother never likes to use a fork, and his brother likes to scoop all the icing off a slice of cake with his fingers. Now Tommy likes to eat with his fingers too.

He has also started using some of Henry's phrases when he's in trouble, like "I don't know!" or "I'm running away from you!"

How do I tell my 2.5 year old "yes, I know that your older brother does that, but it's not ok for you to do it"?

At some point we will have to discuss that Henry has some disabilities that prevent him from doing the same things as Tommy. But I don't think that Tommy's ready to understand that yet. For now I have tried saying things like "it's not ok for Henry to get so rough when you play. Sometimes it's hard for Henry to listen to my words and remember them. And sometimes it's hard for Henry to use HIS words."

And then I always try to acknowledge when Thomas "uses his words" and tell him what a great job he's doing. It's tricky, because I don't want Tommy to feel like he's "better" than his brother. But he IS better than Henry at doing some things...

What do you think?

well worth it

Lately quite a few of my internet friends have been battling their school districts and insurance companies. I feel helpless when I read of their troubles, and don't leave a comment because all I can think to write is "gosh, my school district is great- I guess I'm lucky" and that pretty much makes me sound like an ass.

Part of this is that Henry is older, and I am further removed from the initial testing and placing and IEP-ing that is so so so stressful. When I look back on that time, I can remember all three of his preschool teachers who didn't understand him and didn't even try to. (This included the teacher in his "special education" preschool.)

They really just didn't want this problem child who needed special attention and different treatment to take up their time and energy. They wanted a room full of little preschooler clones, whose only behavior issues might involve using a swear word or playing with forbidden Power Rangers.

It broke my heart to hear their reports every day and have them ask me for suggestions. Yet they refused to use the picture schedules that had been provided to them. I scrambled for ideas to help my son and, unfortunately, had not yet found this network of brilliant parents on the internet.

Henry is only in first grade, and I have attended IEP meetings and teacher conferences at 4 different schools. How is this appropriate for a child who craves, above all, stability?

But, one constant has been at all these meetings, and that is my school district's Special Education Director. At first it seemed like she was just there to recite policy and use words that I didn't understand. But as the years passed, and she got to know Henry better, I realized that she was my ally.

We pay an inordinate amount of money for our small old house on a very busy street, because we wanted to live in this school district. The district is small and very well-respected in the area. We moved here the summer before Henry turned 2, before we had any inkling of his special educational needs. But I'm so thankful now that we did. I guess maybe all those ratings are actually worth something.

This is just the most recent of many times that I've felt thankful for stumbling into a good situation. I know that you other moms who are being so proactive and such advocates for your children will find an answer. I wish I could help.

overdoing it with the new camera -or- a beautiful day for a walk

Henry and I went for a walk last Saturday. I foolishly suggested a walk to the library. That was BEFORE I looked at the clock and looked at the library hours and realized that they were closing at 6 pm, or RIGHT NOW. Ooops.

Unlike his brother, Henry doesn't like to just go for a walk and look at stuff. He likes to have a destination to make the walk worth his while, and I guess that's understandable. So I suggested a trip to Starbucks. (The library and Starbucks are both at the farthest end of our street- about a half mile away.)

Once we started walking, Henry started repeating "it's a beautiful day for a walk!" I'm sure he was echoing something he'd heard me say before, but it was still appropriate. We talked about the leaves, the birds, the Halloween decorations, etc.

At Starbucks we ordered a crumbleberry coffee cake, an orange juice and a bottle of water. Henry wanted to eat there. I wanted to get everything to go. I am always trying to think ahead, and I was anticipating something that has happened before.

But he persuaded me to stay.

Henry ate the topping off first. With his fingers, of course.

Then the thing happened that I had anticipated: Henry asked for ANOTHER crumbleberry coffee cake. My way of dealing with this in the past has been to leave the store before he ate, and therefore avoid having to tell him "no" to the request of another. Either that or I have planned on buying 2 of the overpriced coffee cakes.

But this time I just told him "no. We're not getting another one." (I truly didn't have any more money, so it was easier to say. I'm a pushover.) He protested and went to the case and talked loudly about how he wanted another one. But he didn't throw a hairy tantrum like he would have when he was 4 or 5. He's growing up.

Tommy's been drinking out of a straw a lot lately. It reminded me that Henry was not able to drink from a straw until he was 4, and not until I asked his therapists to specifically work on it. Once they did work with him, he mastered the skill in no time. But it did not come naturally to him like it has to Thomas and most other children. So that's why I took the picture below of Henry drinking with a straw.

He was a little grumpy on the walk home, and asked me to carry him on my shoulders. Luckily I can still do that, and it was worth it to hear him say "it's a forest!" when we walked underneath the trees.

lucky thirty-seven?

So last Friday was my birthday. That's right, Friday the 13th. It's happened a few times in my life that my birthday falls on a Friday and I don't remember those years being particularly unlucky, so I don't sweat it.

This year I made myself a haircut appointment and took the afternoon off of work. Then a friend invited me to meet her for a pedicure, so I had an afternoon of pampering. On Saturday we went to my mom and dad's for a lovely visit. I had suspected they were getting me the digital camera, but the photo printer was a surprise!! I haven't been able to string together enough minutes to install it yet, but am looking forward to using it someday :-)

During my morning jog on Saturday, I thought back over the past year.

It was a year in which I started exercising more faithfully, even challenging myself to a more rigorous mode- running.

It was also a year in which I started keeping this on-line journal- a way to record my thoughts and feelings, keep in touch with distant relatives, and reach out to other parents of beautiful, unique children like my own. I truly feel that blogging has made me a better parent. It has helped me organize my mind and my emotions a bit. And it has been an unexpected opportunity to make priceless new friends.

During the past year Bill, Kate and I went through some therapy. I think they would both agree with me that the experience gave us valuable tools for relating to one another as well as dealing with the outside stresses that can threaten our family's peace.

What else happened this year? We went on a couple vacations, I visited one old friend and resumed correspondence with another. We had a party for Kate, Tommy learned to use the potty, and Henry learned to read!

So, it's been a good year. And if I had to sum it up, I'd say that I feel healthier (in body, mind, and spirit) than I did a year ago. That's not bad for a woman entering her late 30s. Let's hope I can say the same next year, and I wish the same for all of you, my old and new friends, as well.

pictures pictures pictures!

My parents gave me a digital camera for my birthday last week! I have some things in mind that I want to write about my birthday, but for now will post lots of pictures!

Remember the pencil box Henry made this summer? Well his teacher also sent home a kit to make a planter. So, (with daddy's help) Henry made me this beautiful planter for my birthday:
He had to use a hammer, screwdriver, and spray paint! This project coincided nicely with Henry's current interest in Handy Manny, Disney's new handyman.
Now here are some pictures from a walk Tommy and I took. We have been taking so many walks lately. The weather is perfect and we love to talk about the leaves and all the Halloween decorations. New (and more tacky) decorations appear every day.
Tommy likes this house because the door is sort of around the side. So the first few times we walked past, we didn't see the scary ghost in the window!

I think every kid in the neighborhood probably loves to walk (or run) on this stone wall:

This is the first thing I wanted to take a picture of when I got my camera! We pass this car at least twice a day, on the way to drop Kate off at school and then on the way back home. And every time one or both of the boys says "look, the ghost car!"

Although he was running the first time we encountered the stone wall, on the way back home, Tommy just wanted to take a rest in that yard:

daydreaming

Occasionally, in the past, Bill and I have taken a weekend away together in the fall. I really wish we had planned to do that this year. We drive up to the house in Michigan and enjoy the crisp air and the colorful leaves and the complete conversations that two people can have when there aren't little people jumping up in between them saying "look at me! All the time! You must have no other love but me!"

The last time we went was October 2003. I was pregnant with Tommy and I can't even remember why now, but I remember that we almost didn't go because it seemed too hard to coordinate SOMETHING about the trip. Who knows what it was? The grandparents must have been watching the kids and maybe there was something stressful about that. Just goes to show that the bad stuff falls away from your memories and just the good stuff remains.

I was reading Harry Potter #2 at that time and we hooked up the TV in order to watch a football game. Bill made a yummy pot of chili and we took walks and boat rides. Bill even swam in the freezing cold lake!
It's fun to take walks up there in the fall because no one's around and you can sneak around all the cool old houses and admire their porches and their gardens and stuff.

I can't believe it's been three years already since we had a getaway. We've had weekends without kids since then- a couple times that we shipped the kids off to Grandma & Grandpa's so we could go to a wedding or a movie. But we were still at home then and that's not quite the same feeling of "Aaah. We're on vacation. Alone."

Our 10th anniversary is coming up next spring. Grand ideas of a trip somewhere exciting have been bouncing around in my head, but right now a simple trip to the familiar lake sounds perfect. Maybe next fall for my (gulp) 38th birthday.

Yesterday was a holiday in Henryland. The Little Mermaid Special Edition was released. Those gosh-darned marketers at Disney put the release date in their previews and my kid latches on to the date. I forget which of our movies has a Little Mermaid preview at the beginning- probably Chicken Little. So ever since we purchased that movie, we've been brainwashed to buy the next one.
The next time you're at the grocery store, look at the Halloween candy display. You'll find that many of the candy bags this year are distributed in boxes advertising The Little Mermaid. The boys and I were at the store one day and Henry kept wanting to go down the candy aisle. Of course I assumed that he wanted me to buy some candy, but then it hit me that he was excited about the display. So I emptied the Snickers bags out of one of the boxes and took it up to the register with us. I asked the cashier if we could have the box, because my son is really into Disney stuff. She said "I don't see why not" but asked a manager just to be sure. I'm sure they thought we were odd, but I don't care. Henry was thrilled with the box!
Henry didn't talk about this big event yesterday morning, but they called me at work yesterday afternoon to remind me. Bill said that Henry shouted "It's October third" before he even got off the school bus.
I stopped to buy a copy on my way home. (It would have been fun for Henry to get to go to the store with me, but I didn't want to have to leave once I got home.)
We watched the movie and admired all the packaging. And guess what? Peter Pan Special Edition will be released sometime in the spring. Henry woke up this morning wanting to "check it out" on the computer and "print Peter Pan Special Edition." I have to admit that I'm a little frustrated by this- can't we even enjoy the new movie for a day before moving on to the next one?!
_________
Thomas has strep throat (or "stripe throat" as Henry calls it). Yesterday morning he fell asleep while watching the Wiggles (who can sleep during the Wiggles?! You know he is sick!) I carried him up to bed and even put a pullup on him and he still kept sleeping.
It was hard not to laugh when he came down the stairs a couple hours later, his bedhead standing on end. He sounded so confused and his voice was all hoarse from coughing when he said "mommy, I was just wonderin', why was it night-night time?"
That's the news for now. Anyone watching Lost tonight?

explanation

Tara, you are not a ditz! I was thinking that I should explain bloglines here anyway... I didn't know about it until another of my blogging friends mentioned it a couple times and I took the risk of sounding like a dummy and asked her about it. You go to bloglines.com and "subscribe" to all the blogs you like to read. Then you can just check that one site and see who has updated. I only have 7 subscribers, I think, and one of those is myself. But for some reason it is making me feel totally rejected to have bloglines ignore my feed!! After Tara updated to Beta I was still able to see her blog. But I think ever since I updated mine has not been working. I tried re-subscribing and I think others have too, but it hasn't worked. So, that's what bloglines is. Check it out. And if anyone new subscribes to me and it works, let me know.

Yesterday we ran out to buy a new printer cartridge. We burned through the color cartridge pretty quickly, with all Henry's printing and the papers Kate needs to print for school. I tried telling Henry "the printer isn't working" to put him off and avoid the time and expense involved in buying a new cartridge. Well, that didn't even last a day. It turns out that printing a page has become his transition off of the computer. When he is able to print, he takes the paper with him and leaves the computer without a complaint or a look back.

But Friday night, when he had to get off the computer and couldn't print a page...

He couldn't eat his dinner, he couldn't watch a movie--I was even willing to watch the Power Rangers DVD- just me and him! (Daddy and Tommy went to the high school football game together and had a ton of fun!)

All he could do was talk about the thing he wanted to print, and when could he print it? Maybe tomorrow? Maybe later? We do have a new printer cartridge! The printer is working! Mommy, I want to print Power Rangers...

It went on until he fell asleep, still talking about it. And it was the first thing he said when he woke up.

So we went to Staples and bought 2 printer cartridges- color will only be for special occasions, black in white will be the default. Sheesh. This kid has me trained.

It has been a boys' football weekend. Bill took Tommy to the game Friday night, and then took Henry to a local college game yesterday.

I guess that's all to report for now. Hope you are all having a beautiful weekend.

test

This is really just a test to see if bloglines is picking up my posts again.

Tommy has worn or carried the Human Torch costume with him everywhere this week.

Henry kicked his speech therapist Tuesday (!) but he told me about it as soon as I walked in the door. I told him that he needs to "use his words" instead of hurting people and he replied "I didn't know what to say." I'm not sure if that's true or he's just b.s.-ing me.

But the rest of his week at school was good.

Have a good weekend and I'll write a real post soon.

thinking positive

I've been feeling a little low lately, but here are a couple good things from last night:

The new session of gymnastics classes started for Tommy. Each class starts out with all the kids in a circle to warm up. During the spring session, Tommy would sit on my lap the whole time, his eyes wide, watching, but not participating.

Last night he hopped right up and mirrored every move the teacher made! It was pretty cool to see the difference a few months can make. He has gained a lot of confidence between 2 and 2 1/2.

One of Henry's therapists from preschool was there with her son, the same age as Tommy. It was nice to visit with her. Ironically, her son stayed on her lap almost the entire class, and cried when the teacher tried to talk to him. I've sure been in that position- the mom with the kid who is traumatized. It's a funny feeling to be the mom with the well-adjusted kid! (Knock on wood. I've probably jinxed us and now he'll have a tantrum next week.)

Bill did something so smart last night. I'm sure I've written before about how Henry picks his food apart. If I haven't written about that it's because I don't even notice it anymore- it's just how he eats. He eats EVERYTHING with his fingers. I mean even yogurt and cereal with milk. I kind of half-heartedly suggest that he use a spoon, and he usually responds "I already used a spoon yesterday!"

Even foods the rest of us eat with our hands, like pizza, get extra-torn-apart by Henry. It gives him some kind of sensory comfort to pick his food apart with his fingers, rather than take bites. It's gotten to the point where Tommy tattles on his brother: "Mommy, 'Enry is picking his food." Which is kind of strange because I don't usually scold Henry for doing that, but I do usually praise Thomas for using his silverware, or for taking bites, so I guess he thinks that by pointing out Henry's inadequacies, he'll get more praise?

Anyway, last night the boys were having chicken patty sandwiches and corn. Except Henry didn't want the bun, and was just picking the breading off his chicken patty. Bill started playing this game that he had told me about before, but I had never witnessed: he thinks of an animal that "chomps", and gives the boys clues such as I'm thinking of an animal that lives in the ocean and has a head shaped like a hammer. You can tell that both boys are really thinking about it, and then one of them will shout out "a hammerhead shark!" And then Henry will chomp his food like a shark. Brilliant.

He ate 2 chicken patties that way and even some of his corn!!!! And the best part is you can tell both boys are really having fun. After each bite, Henry will say "Daddy, please think of another animal!"

Just when I feel like I don't know how to "think outside the box" anymore, my husband comes to the rescue.

I am thinking about starting over with a new blog since this one is acting so weird- but I wonder if I can start over in "regular" blogger or if it'd have to be beta? Well, I'll keep you posted.
_______

Even though I love this time of year, I feel really... off... lately. I can't quite put my finger on why. Just grumpy and easily frustrated and bored, even though I'm too busy to be bored. Maybe frustrated that I'm too busy to be bored. Maybe I have trouble with transitioning to a new school schedule and season? I've never had a problem with my birthday before, but it is coming up in a few weeks- maybe that's the problem?

I know so many other moms who work, go to school, exercise, cook yummy stuff, homeschool their kids, start support groups, write beautiful blog entries... Why can't I do a fraction of those things, and keep my house clean?

Or, setting my sights on a lower goal: why can't I go to the bathroom or have a conversation with my husband without a certain 2-year-old screaming in my face about Spiderman? Or that he needs to use the potty right now too and "waa waa waa" he doesn't want to use the other bathroom, he wants to use this same bathroom!

And blogger isn't working right, and neither is my computer at home, which not only ticks me off, but also the teenager and the first-grader.
Ppppphhhhttt. Enough of that.
___________

I had a meeting with Henry's teacher Friday morning. She is really great and I feel silly that I was put off by my first impression on the phone. She said that what they are working on right now with Henry is transitions: he says "I already did that yesterday!" when asked to go to any new activity (even lunch). Talking about this made us both laugh, but it is a serious issue. A kid can't get through school by protesting at each and every transition.

(Last year at this time we were happy if he didn't pinch or knock over a chair at transition time, so we are doing fine.)

She also said "Sometimes we have trouble getting him to eat his lunch. But then Kate comes over to talk to him. I don't know what she whispers in his ear, but he eats his lunch after that!"

__________________

Pretending I'm famous:

1. What is your favorite word?
This question has stumped me the most. I guess I'll say "effusive". I used this word to describe my husband when we were first dating, and it made him think I was smart.

2. What is your least favorite word?
"Juice-ee" said by Tommy, as in "I want my juice-ee!" It's a babytalk thing that he learned from an older kid at L's house and it totally grates on my nerves whenever he says it.

3. What turns you on? (creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?)
sincerity. Life is too short and too precious to waste it by being insincere.
peace and quiet

4. What turns you off?
Well, the opposite of the above.

5. What is your favorite curse word?
Hmmm. Each has its place. But I think "sonofabitch" rolls off the tongue nicely. Not when directed at a person, but more as an exclamation when I spill something,etc.

6. What sound or noise do you love?
laughter

7. What sound or noise do you hate?
commercials. I have trained my husband to mute all commercials.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Umm, this isn't exactly a profession, but I've been thinking that if I didn't have to work at my real job anymore, and could stay home, I would like to try being a foster parent.

9. What profession would you not like to do?
Bill collector

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"You were right about everything."

Thanks for the tag, MOM. This was fun. Please, anyone reading, answer the questions yourselves and let me know...

Oh, and APE stands for Adapted Physical Education. I'm sure every state/county calls it something a little different.