some vacation photos

The digital camera is still up in Michigan with Kate. The teenagers spent the first week with our family and the second week with my brother-in-law's family- lucky ducks. So some of the pictures are still with her. But I had my film developed and put on a disk also.

This is the "big dock":

Some of the braver ones were heading out for a sunset swim. (Too chilly for me!) The weather ran the gamut- hot and humid when we first got up there, which was great for swimming, but by the time you made it back up the hill to our house, you were sweating again. And no air conditioning in these old cottages.

After a couple days, a quick storm came through and cooled everything off. After that, I wasn't as motivated to swim.

One day started off rainy, so the girls and I went in to "town" to visit the gift shops. They wanted to stop at the dollar store also. I rolled my eyes, went in, and came out with $24 worth of stuff, including these squirt guns:


One of the "mishaps" I mentioned happened the first day we loaded up on the boat. We got both boys all decked out in their life jackets, and brought all the rest of the gear that you need: sunscreen, drinks, dry clothes, towels, hats, sunglasses, etc. etc.
We got settled and Bill said "ok, ready boys? This will be a little loud." They covered their ears, grinning, and Bill turned the key in the ignition.
---
---
Nothing happened.
Not even a clicking sound.
The boat was broken.
So then we had to load all our crap back out of the boat. Both boys were crying, and I was trying not to look Bill in the eye, because I knew he must be furious.
He recovered quickly, however, and we modified our plans to go swimming instead. (Another example of the grownups continuing to "grow up" over the years. A few years ago the boat thing would have probably ruined our day.)
The boat was able to be repaired, but it took a couple days.

Here's Thomas swimming in the lake- grinning and shivering. The water is nice and shallow for a long distance- it's great for kids! The first day Tommy got knocked down several times by the waves- face-first- and it was hard for him to regain his balance. But he adapted quickly, and the water shoes helped too.
Everyone at work has commented on this picture:

I guess it's a classic. That's what vacation is all about- just having time to sit and watch the world go by with your kids.

(There is one other picture that is one of our favorites, but I can't post it on the internet. I got the boys toy light sabers before we left. One day they must have been having a light saber fight after swimming and taking off their wet suits- I call it "Naked Jedi". That will get me some weird Google searchers, won't it?!)

vacation part one

(Blogger is giving me a hell of a time uploading pictures. Sorry, I know this is no good without the pictures- I will keep trying.)

We're back. It really stunk to come back to work yesterday. I mean, normally I like my job and the people I work with. But the first day back after vacation is a real drag. I pouted for most of the day, and tried to comfort myself with a really expensive salad and sushi lunch from the health food store.

On a happier note, we had a terrific vacation!! It wasn't without mishaps and frustrating moments, but all in all it was great. I imagine it will take me a few posts to get through all the things I want to share and record here.

Vacations like this, when you visit the same place year after year, can't help but be sentimental. Bill has been going to this cottage for his entire life. So has Kate. I've been visiting since 1993. As I reflect on this most recent vacation, I can see not only how much our kids have grown over the years, but how Bill and I have grown too (and I don't mean around the middle! I try NOT to notice that.)

When Bill first introduced me to this vacation spot, I wasn't much of a lake person. I thought they were pretty to look at, but I was afraid of the rickety docks, afraid of the boat, and grossed out by the mucky sand and seaweed and little FISH swimming around my feet- eeek!

On the first day of vacation this year, I stopped to look at myself: leading my two young children out into the lake in our water shoes. All by myself- not scared at all, and teaching my sons not to be scared either. I realized that this is just one of the countless new experiences that my husband and my children have brought to my life.

Both boys swam in the lake like little fish! I can't convey how proud I was. I really feel like Henry's swimming lessons were one of the smartest moves we made with him. If for no other reason than it gives him the confidence to explore the water.

Henry really enjoyed himself, but also did a lot of protesting, at just about every transition: "I don't want to go to the big dock I don't want to go to the big dock I don't want to go to the big dock I don't want to go to the big dock..." all the way to the big dock. Once there, he would jump in and paddle around and have the time of his life.

And his bravery scared me a little. On the first day, while I was unpacking, I heard the door slam (thank God this house is so loud and creaky). I looked out the window, and there was Henry, walking across the street! I asked what he was doing, and he said "I want to go back to the lake." I told him that he must never go to the water without a grownup, and it seemed to sink in, because he didn't try that again.

We also spent quite a bit of time sitting beside the river, which feeds into the lake, watching boats go by. I made a big fuss about how deep and cold the river was, because I was quite fearful that he would jump right in. (I guess my deep-seated fear of the water is not quite gone...)

One of our worst vacation experiences was the summer Henry was 2 and Kate was 12. At that time we did not suspect that Henry was autistic. We just thought he was a pretty stubborn, bratty toddler. For just one example, he always wanted to take off his swim trunks, and we would fight and fight about it. At that time Kate was at an age where she wanted to hang out with other kids, rather than with us (the same families are always up there, so there are other kids to play with). But we weren't quite prepared for her to not want to be with us. That vacation was so unpleasant that we didn't go back for the next 2 summers!

Well, Henry still doesn't like to wear his wet, clingy swim trunks. Always wants to take them off as soon as he gets out of the water. So I try to remember to bring his dry clothes with us, so he can change right away. Now that I understand him better, I can adapt, and we are all happier. This is another example of how I observed that Bill and I have grown as parents. Another is: now we know that Henry will protest about most activities, but we know when to ignore it. Back when he was 2 years old, we would have gotten angry and said "he never even wants to swim. What a waste of time... grr grr grr..."

Henry did seem to miss his technological companions: the movie player and the computer. He asked many times to watch a movie or play on the computer. We brought along several Disney book-on-tapes, and those received heavy rotation. (Pretty much like listening to a movie, rather than watching one. Oh well.) I was pleasantly surprised that once we arrived back home, Henry went up to his bedroom and started playing with all the toys in the toybox- didn't even ask about the tv or computer.

(I missed technology too- on Thursday afternoon I took a nap, and dreamt that I was staying in a fancy hotel with a big jacuzzi bathtub surrounded by televisions and computers!!!!! What a pitiful statement about my subconscious!)

When we were swimming in the lake on the first day, I heard Henry say "I'm not afraid of anything!" I could tell it was a script, and asked him "who says that?" he replied "Piglet." Even though he was using Piglet's words, I felt that he had picked out an appropriate script for himself, and I thought my heart just might burst at that moment.

see ya

We are leaving on vacation EARLY (like 3 am) tomorrow morning, so I won't be reading or writing for the next 9 days or so.
Bill's family has a summer home in Northern Michigan, and that's where we're headed. We have been so blessed to have this place to visit every year. Last year we joined Bill's brother, sister, and their families, and all stayed in the old creaky house together (that's when this picture was taken). This year it will just be us, plus one of the cousins- the other teenager- to keep Kate company.
The house comes complete with the old wooden boat pictured above and a sailboat. Last year Henry LOVED being on board both boats, so I anticipate he'll be doing a lot more of that with Daddy this year. There's a sort of unwritten no television rule at "the cottage" (they call it a cottage, but it's really a big house) which you might think would be difficult, but it's actually quite liberating and calming. (For a week, I mean- I'm not getting rid of my tv and cable at home anytime soon.) I bought a couple new puzzles for Henry and 2 Power Ranger kickboards for swimming in the lake.
I'm bringing along 3 of your book suggestions, and hope to get some quiet time at the beach or at the house while Thomas is napping...
Have a good week. I wonder if I will miss the computer?

the force was with us

I took a vacation day today to visit COSI with my kids and my parents. I'm pretty pooped.

There are lots of fun things to see at Cosi. But this time we went especially to see the Star Wars exhibit. For those of you with kids on the spectrum, the story of my day will be familiar: I had some fun times and made special memories with my family. But the fun did not always come easily...

First, we arrived and needed to wait for Grandma to stand in line for the tickets. There's a large area in which to wait, and a few things to look at. I asked the kids to stand in front of one of the big Star Wars ads, to take their picture. Here's what happened:

Thomas posed like a champ.

Henry got anxious and frustrated because we were not seeing the Star Wars exhibit right now, and of course he wouldn't be willing to stand still for a stupid picture. I was glad Kate came with us, especially because she is so good at talking to Henry and calming him down:


Stupid mom idea #2 was, "ok, let's look in the gift shop while we wait." (Translated as: "I'll spend some money before we even get inside the place.") As I paid for Henry's Space sticker book, and Tommy's knight action figure, Henry asked the sales girl "where are the Star Wars puzzles?" She replied "oh, they have some upstairs at the exhibit." Well, duh- of course there was another gift shop upstairs, featuring all things Star Wars.
We went up to the 2nd floor, where the special exhibit was. But right outside the elevator was "kidspace"- the hands-on area just for young children, up to kindergarten age. All of a sudden, Henry didn't want to go to the Star Wars exhibit! He wanted to go into kidspace!
It's so painful to watch him struggle- it's like he has no way of controlling his impulses when confronted with so many fun things- afterwards he remembers it as having fun, but at the time, it seems like he is tormented by all the fun things he wants to do, but can't do them all at the same time, and no matter which one he chooses, then he wishes he were doing the other...
Again, Kate helped calm him down, and we made our way to the Star Wars wing of the building. We passed the gift shop area first, and he made a beeline for it. I believe that one smart move I made was going ahead and stopping there first. I felt that if we didn't, he would just rush through the exhibit itself, wanting to get to the end.
They did, indeed, have lots of puzzles! Henry picked one, and then asked that salesgirl about sticker books, and she showed them to us! This amused me so much because Henry looks for puzzles and sticker books everywhere we go, and we can't usually find them. This place was like the answer to all his prayers. It would be like if he showed up at your house and said "where are your Disney movies and puzzles?" and you replied, well, my living room is full of them, Henry. Have at it. And here are some sprinkle donuts to eat."
Here is Henry with his sticker book and puzzle, standing in front of the book display. (As a grownup first generation Star Wars fan, I have to say that the gift shop and exhibit itself were pretty awesome.)
Here's my little jedi fighting a stormtrooper:

And the biggest bad guy of them all, Darth Vader:

After Star Wars, we went to kidspace. Both boys had a lot of fun there. It's a confined area where the kids can run around and play with water, sound, light, dress-up, build with blocks, etc. Henry did great there, and then worked on his new puzzle while Tommy played a little more.
There was also a display outside of construction trucks that the kids were able to climb up on:


Whatever area we were in, Henry didn't want to leave. Wherever we were headed, he didn't want to go. Until we got there, and then he didn't want to leave...
We've watched Star Wars: A New Hope twice since we've been home, and Henry's done his puzzle at least 6 times. Tommy didn't take a nap, so went to bed early. It was a good day.

...you get what you need

This morning I jogged with music! I had been thinking about asking for an iPod for my birthday, in October. But my dad got himself an iPod a couple weeks ago and gave me his MP3 player. I haven't gotten around to putting my own songs on it yet, but today I decided try it with dad's music selections. I got off to a great start (after forwarding past the entire Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack!) with Smooth by Santana. Wow- what a difference some music makes! Instead of listening to myself huff and puff I can imagine that I'm in my own music video... The only problem is that I feel tempted to start dancing down the alley instead of jogging. And I catch myself "air drumming" and feel a really strong urge to SING along. If my brothers are reading, they are laughing right now- my dad used to always sing along with his walkman while mowing the grass. Dad has a good voice, but you know, with the headphones on you can't really hear yourself and sound pretty off-key.

Anyway, the next song was Angel, by Sarah McLaughlin (I'm too lazy to look up whether that's the right way to spell her name). I skipped through some Beach Boys songs- they weren't really fitting my mood. And then came on the Rolling Stones song from which my post title comes. And I started thinking- I didn't get what I wanted- my own iPod with my own songs on it. But maybe I got something better. Some songs that my dad chose, songs I might not have, but now that they're here I'll keep them.

One question, though: how do you keep the little ear bud things in your ears while jogging? I kept having to adjust them the whole time- is that just how it goes?

Yesterday Henry was in a leopard mood. I think Diego started it all, by saving a baby leopard on Saturday morning cartoons. Henry went and found his "Big Cats" zoobook magazine, and asked me to find the rainforest puzzle (featuring, of course, a leopard.) Here he is working on the puzzle:


Tommy and I were headed out to the back yard. Without prompting, Henry grabbed the puzzle and said "I want to do my puzzle on the back porch!" This seems to be a concession- moving one step closer to actually doing something outside. We call it the "porch", but it's actually sort of a 3-season room. From there I at least feel like he is getting some fresher air, and can hear us playing in the yard. Maybe one day he'll decide we are having so much fun that he wants to join us.

My friend's daughter (T) came over yesterday evening. She is just a few weeks younger than Thomas and they are good buddies. Here they are playing in the sandbox/dumptruck:

It's a good thing my friend had a daughter and I didn't. T is always wearing a dress and looks so cute. I think if I had a daughter now, she would just wear t-shirts and shorts, 'cause I'm used to boys (and I wouldn't want to have to get pizza stains out of that white sundress).

Oh, Tommy said something so funny today. He has been saying "butt" a lot. I've been trying to encourage him to say "bottom" instead, but that may be a losing battle, considering he spends the day with a couple of older boys at the sitter's house. Anyway, today he fell and said "oh, I'm hurt! Mommy, tan you tiss my butt?" While I stifled a laugh, he said "MOMMY TISS IT!"

So I did. Is there something wrong with me?

report on the 4th, pictures, and a question

Thank you all for sharing your neuroses with me! Isn't it interesting that a lot of moms seem to worry about making the holidays "just right", while many husbands and kids probably couldn't care less?

It seems that it was a good strategy for me to vent to the internet, get a few things off my chest, and then go on to enjoy the day. The rain stopped by mid-afternoon, and we actually went out and socialized. There was a neighborhood party a couple blocks up the street, featuring a jumping thing (I never know what to call those things- it's not really a ride...) and a 3-person slip-n-slide!

Henry ate a lot of fruit and some rice krispie treats (my contribution to the party), then came over to join his brother in the jumper. He got inside and started stiffly boucing around, stopping to check in with me every 30 seconds or so. At one point an older girl was leaning against the side of the jumper near him. He leaned toward her and said "hiiiiiiii" in that high-pitched way you use when you're trying to get someone's attention. I was so excited that he was trying to engage someone! Then he turned to me and said "you want me to tell you what she is?" I translated this as meaning he wanted to know her name. So I said "you could tell her your name, and ask her what her name is". He kind of looked at her, looked back at me, and went back to jumping. Guess that all seemed like too much work.

Then we moved over to the slip-n-slide. I was also very happy with Henry's interaction there. After I dragged him by the hand and pretty much knocked him to the ground to make him slide, he preferred to stand off to the side, cheering for the other kids and getting splashed by them. That went well for quite a while. But then he started getting braver, and wanting to spend more time on the slip-n-slide, just standing on top of the spraying water. I encouraged the other kids to just go around him for awhile. But it really wasn't fair or safe to leave him standing in the middle. Eventually we ended up having to leave the party, because it was time for Tommy's nap and I saw no end to the slip-n-slide battle. But we stayed for over an hour, and I viewed it as a success.

We went to the fireworks that evening, which was enough to make me re-think "not liking the 4th of July." The boys were SO SO SO excited. As we drove there, they were searching the skies for fireworks. Tommy kept saying "I see sompting!" We found a good spot, put down a tarp and a blanket, and watched. Henry covered his ears at first, but we were far enough away that the booms weren't too loud. Tommy declared that some "looked like a butterfly" and Henry exclaimed that one "looked like a tree." We all ooohed and aaahed, and Henry asked "which one is your favorite, mommy?"

So maybe this holiday will get better for me as the years go on. Kate had the digital camera with her that night (she's got some nerve, huh?) so I had to take old-fashioned pictures. But here are a few from the weekend at my mom and dad's house (thanks mom!) This first one makes me laugh- like we are posing so proudly in front of our minivan:




And now my question: please give me some good vacation book suggestions. I think the last book I read was Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince last summer! So I'm open to anything...

anyone have time for some free psychotherapy?

I don't really like the 4th of July. Not 'cause I'm anti-American, or anything like that. It just comes up every year, and we make plans of things to do, and then once it gets here I'm like, "oh yeah, I never like this holiday."

So this year (the blogging has made me more introspective) I'm trying to figure out WHY. Let me give you a little background:

My family never made a big deal out of the 4th. Sometimes we went to see fireworks, but it wasn't a big thing we looked forward to all year or anything. My dad is a Viet Nam vet (air force), which you'd think might make us a big "rah rah 4th of July" kind of family. But dad didn't enjoy the noise and the crowds of those kinds of events. Most of us didn't, to be honest. Mom was often fighting a losing battle to be social (see my previous post, family matters, below).

In contrast, Bill's family was always very social. His mom was part of a bridge group and a tennis group, his dad had a poker group. They had standing dates with other families on the 4th, the day after Christmas, etc.

In general, summer's not really my favorite season. I don't do well with the sun or the heat- makes me really irritable. And 4th parties where people are playing with fireworks make me really afraid that someone's going to get hurt.

So every year we're invited to a former neighbor's house for a cookout and to watch the city fireworks. It's never been my favorite event, but now that we have 2 young kids, one of which is autistic, it has become easy to make excuses not to go. There aren't any kid-specific activities, and it feels like we're hanging around for hours, waiting for it to get dark so we can watch the fireworks.

The city fireworks were yesterday, and the suburbs all have theirs tonight. Yesterday I suggested we not go to the party, for all the reasons stated above. Bill was fine with it, and bought some stuff to cook out at home (one of his favorite ways to relax- drink a beer, listen to music, and cook on the grill). The thing is, today it's raining, so we are going to end up doing nothing special for the 4th. I feel guilty when my anti-social tendencies force my very-social husband to miss out on stuff.

I get weird around most holidays- I want them to be SO SPECIAL for my kids that I end up freaking out, which is not so special for my kids!

Bill and I were kind of half-joking that maybe I experienced some childhood trauma on the 4th of July which has scarred me for life. I don't think that's the case, but I'm just wondering: does anyone else "get weird" around holidays?

I want to fight with you!

The other subject on my mind lately has to do with Henry and friendships. Tara posted a few days ago about playdates, and when to force the issue with her son.

Henry has never shown much interest in "playing" with anyone. Some of his awkward attempts have been heartbreaking. For example, in preschool he would "tickle" classmates. (He would do it with us also.) But this tickling was way too rough- he would poke and pinch with his little fingers. It was an attempt to engage someone, but not a very successful one.

One evening last fall I remember seeing two boys running down the sidewalk together and thinking that Henry may never have a playmate like that. It made me sad, and still does a little.

I have learned a vital lesson in my relationship with my daughter, however, that carries right over to Henry: my kids are not going to be like me. It took me years to figure out that Kate is not going to one day wake up and like all the things I like. The same way I'm not going to wake up one day and understand basketball.

So Henry might not have a gang of friends to play football with on the weekends- that's OK. There are worse things than being a bit solitary. He will not be likely to fold to peer pressure, that's for sure!

That said, we are working on peer-relationship types of goals at school: learning to take turns, make conversation, etc.

And I see some encouraging signs. He spent a week at Tommy's sitter during spring break, and a few days this summer. I assumed that he would spend his time doing solitary things: reading or playing on the computer. But both times L reported that Henry played a lot with the kids his age, and the days when it was only "little kids" there with him, he was bored. He likes to "play fight", i.e. play that they are Power Rangers, or Jedi Knights. So that's a pretty mainstream thing to play. We just have to make sure he understands to ask the other kid if he wants to play fight first!

At the IEP meeting, Ms. H was talking about Henry's success with inclusion. I asked if she thought the other kids thought of him as "the weird kid". (I know, not politically correct term. But that's the kind of stuff I worry about, deep down. I don't want my son to be whispered about as the weird kid.) Ms. H said "oh, no, not at all. The other kids seem to really like him." And then our District Special Ed Director pointed out that, at this age, kids don't really judge in that way. They just say, "hey, that kid likes soccer and so do I. I'll be his friend." But they don't say "oh, that kid likes Disney movies and Power Rangers. He's a weirdo."

So I realized that I was giving that a little too much worry.