visiting Virginia

This weekend we traveled to Norfolk, Virginia, for Bill's cousin's wedding. We've been looking forward to it for quite awhile.

We left Thursday night, drove partway and stayed in a hotel. The kids are good travelers anyway, but we borrowed a DVD player which also helped. Glitch #1 happened when we got out at the hotel and realized that Henry hadn't worn any shoes. Luckily there was a K-Mart nearby.

Glitch #2 happened when, 35 miles away from our destination, we got stuck in traffic, and it took us 3 hours to make it the rest of the way! We eventually made it to the Friday night event- a picnic on the Lafayette River (I hope I have that right, I just tried to figure it out by looking at a map). There were so many children at these gatherings- it was really fun and family-friendly.

Henry loved watching the water and the boats, of course. He also loved watching this guy make waffle cones:

I'm not sure why it fascinated him so much, but I enjoyed watching Henry watch the cone guy!

Saturday we weighed the many fun options and decided to visit the zoo with my sister-in-law and her sons. I think it was a good choice, especially from the Henry perspective. One of my concerns when we get together with family is how to let them get to know my kids in a brief window of time. The zoo is a good place to get to know Henry. He is a little more interactive there than usual. He likes to get a map and track where we're going and where we've been. He's very animated talking about all the animals and instructing me to take pictures of all of them. (I guess it's safe to say that Henry is a visual kid. He makes me take a photo of each animal and then wants me to print them all out. Sometimes I fib and tell him that I did take a picture of the goats at the petting zoo, when really I didn't because we have a dozen pictures of goats on our computer already. But he always catches me in that lie because he remembers 3 days later and asks me to "print out the picture of the goats".)

The wedding reception was at Bill's aunt and uncle's home, also on the Lafeyette River. I was a bit freaked out when I spotted Henry out on the dock by himself right away. But I later found out that the family had hired some babysitters/spies to keep an eye on things and make sure none of the children wandered off or got into trouble. That helped put my mind at ease. They really thought of everything.

In this picture Henry is clutching his reward. If there's one thing I learned on this trip, it's always a good idea to have a reward up your sleeve. Some may poo-poo the idea of bribing your kids, but I'm all for it.

I started warning Tommy several days before we left that he would have to wear long pants to the wedding. Oh, the torture. I told him if he did a good job and didn't argue, he could have a reward.

When shopping for his reward (Indiana Jones legos), I happened to come across a 750 piece Disney puzzle that we didn't have yet, and picked that up for Henry too. I was thanking my lucky stars for that stroke of brilliance when, after the wedding, we were asked to stay behind for a family photo. I told both boys that I had a surprise for them in the car after they cooperated for the photo.

The surprises probably would have worked even better at an indoor reception. We lost a few pieces in the grass. But still, it kept the kids occupied longer than they would have been otherwise.

That's right. This wedding included a fireworks display! How awesome is that? Henry is covering his ears, but that doesn't mean he didn't enjoy it. In fact, the fireworks were his very favorite part. The bride said they were her favorite also. They had been a surprise for her.

I love weddings for so many reasons- the dresses, the flowers, the music, the dancing, the food, the drink. And now that I've been married 11 years myself, I love them for reminding me of our beginning. When you're the one saying the vows, you hear that "for better, for worse" stuff and think yeah, yeah, whatever. We won't have any hard times. We won't have any sickness.

And then you look around 11 years later and you think whew, we have actually had some tough times. Good thing we could hold hands and get through them together. This getting married thing was a good idea.

This guy, even though he gets so irrationally mad when he's stuck in traffic, stays out too late partying with the young cousins, and takes his shoes and socks off at weddings? He's a keeper.

In summary: weddings are good. How fortunate, then, we're attending another this weekend. :-) And this time, the kids aren't invited, so maybe we'll get to do more dancing.

Also, see below for glitch #3 of our trip.

glitch #3

Virginia trip glitch #3 seemed like it needed a post all to itself.

As I said in the previous post, we've been looking forward to this wedding for quite awhile. I knew the reception was going to be outside, at the bride's parents' home, and so had bought a couple dresses that I thought might be appropriate before we received our invitation reading "black tie optional".

So the floral sundress was definitely out- I wore it to graduation instead. I asked my boss to ask his wife (my unpaid fashion consultant) what I should wear. He came in to work the next day with 3 black dresses for me to try on! Could I get any luckier?!

I tried them on and kept the one that fit the best. Bill rented a tuxedo. And I figured my kids could still wear what I had planned for them to wear. Saturday, as I was attempting to style my hair, I noticed something in the mirror. (Don't you love hotel bathrooms? They have so many mirrors that you can see yourself from every angle?!) The little button at the top of the dress was gone. Fell off before we even made it out of the room.

Damn. One time I try to dress up and look like a bigshot and I lose a button. At the church, my father-in-law's wife was great- she told me to just let the sides flap over to make a v-back and no one would know the difference: So that's what I did, and I guess it was fine.

But now I have to either 'fess up to my boss and his generous wife, or try to replace the button and hope they don't notice. It kind of feels like a sitcom story, where I'll try to replace the button and she'll notice right away, because the button on this dress was some kind of heirloom.

You just can't take me anywhere.

(Sorry, I don't have a better picture of the dress- this is the ONLY picture of me from the wedding at all, 'cause I was taking most of them.)

resigned

Henry got sunburned this week.

This is good news. Henry was out in the sun long enough to get sunburned. Even though he was wearing sunscreen. Just like the rest of the kids at L's house. Today looks to be the 3rd day this week they'll spend at the pool, and come home worn out and hungry. That pool pass I bought might actually have been a good idea.

So we take some steps forward.

Sometimes, on the other hand, we feel stuck in one spot. Take graduation day, for example. As you may have gathered from the family photo, Henry was not being very cooperative that day. Call it dysregulated, call it oppositional, call it difficult, call it autistic. Whatever you call it, it's pretty ding-dong frustrating.

Oh, we brought books and Leapsters with us to entertain him- I didn't just become a mom yesterday. But the thing is, on an occasion like graduation, all bets are off with Henry. I think he's reacting to several factors:
-A new situation. Never been to a graduation before. (The location, however, was quite familiar. The high school, middle school, and Henry's elementary school are literally connected in one big campus. Graduation was in the stadium.)
-Boredom. It was hard to hear much of the ceremony, and Henry wouldn't have been interested even if he could hear it.
-But there was too much distracting input for him to just zone out with a book
-Heat
-And this is a biggie- emotion. I think Henry can sense when a situation is highly emotional, and he doesn't like that vibe. It makes him uneasy. So it becomes his mission to make the rest of us uneasy :-)

So he started right in with stepping on our feet, pinching us, squeezing our fingers and hands, trying to push us off the bleachers. All the relatives tried their best to help by asking him questions, etc.- trying to distract him. (Amateurs.) It didn't take long before I left with him and walked around the school and over to his playground. That was fine- I actually was initially glad to have the distraction. It kept me from sitting there just thinking and reflecting and making myself cry.

But I did want to actually see Kate walk up and get her diploma, so we ended up back in the stands, straining to hear each name as it was called. Henry settled on a new method of torture: pressing his forehead against my jaw with all his strength. I just let him do it- it kept him quiet. We sat that way for quite awhile, until all of a sudden the heat of his head against my sweaty face got to me, and I realized what a bizarre little scene we were making.

"Henry, why are you doing that?" I blurted out. (Questions like this are totally pointless, and are usually met with "Why are you doing that?" shouted back at me.)

But this time he calmly replied "I'm the invisible man" and went right back to pushing against me. I have no idea what that meant, but it broke the tension and made my sister-in-law and me both laugh.

By the time we were taking the pictures, a few half-hearted attempts were made to get Henry to turn around, but I think everyone knew it was a lost cause. It is what it is- a moment in our family's life preserved for history. (Bill did capture him before heading home, waving out of Grannie's sunroof.)

I want to think of a better word than resigned. I want to say we are resigned to life with autism, except I want that to sound more positive.

Here's another example: that same weekend we went to a backyard party for a friend (but we did not know the people who were hosting the party). Henry marched right into their house and asked for their movies.

This probably would have embarrassed me a few years ago, and I would have spent all night trying to get Henry to stay outside with the other kids. But now? Now I don't miss a beat- I just explained that he'd like to examine their collection of Disney movies, would probably lay them all out on the floor, and would want to watch one. I didn't apologize and I didn't even explain that he has autism.

He's just my kid and this is what he likes to do to be comfortable and that's what you get if you invite me to a party. (Not that I get invited to many parties.) Later I found him in the daughter's room, rummaging through her bookshelf, looking for Disney books. That's not appropriate behavior. But I'm just too tired to fight it anymore.

I don't know whether that's something to be proud of: I accept my son the way he is and everyone else should too.

Or whether it's something to feel defeated by: Autism has worn me down until the inappropriate has become appropriate, or I can't tell the difference anymore.

Maybe both are true, depending on the day and my mood.

(This post ended up sounding mopier than I really intended. Sorry. My allergies are making me feel crappy and we are getting ready for a biggish out-of-town trip that has me a little stressed. Happier post next week about the super-fun wedding we'll be attending in Virginia...)

four

Mommy, which one is for me? (Looking at my birthstone necklace. His stone is purple.) Oh, thank you mommy! I love purple! It's my favorite. Well, red is my first favorite, but then is purple. Which one is for Kate? Which one is for Henry?

(Seeing that the cooler on the back patio is empty) Daddy, did you drink all the beard?!

Mommy, thank you for this new lamp. This new lamp is really cool. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Thank you for this lamp. Henry, you have a new lamp. See? Off. On. Off. On. Off. On.

Weiner is another name for p*n*s. (Girl who goes to the same sitter) told me that. Yeah, weiner. (Girl who goes to the same sitter) thinks that's funny. Weiner. (Girl who goes to the same sitter) says weiner instead of p*n*s.
(Trying to ignore the subject is not making him stop talking about it. It will be a long summer before Girl who goes to the same sitter starts kindergarten.)

Where do skeletons come from?

How do airplanes know where they're going?

Why did you put Henry's name on his shoes? (Actually, I just put his initials.) What are initials?

Hey, what are these? Scissors?

Mommy, why don't I have any bones in my tummy?
I spilled.
Mommy, who do you want to be: Batman or Robin? You can be Robin. You really can. Even though you're a girl.
In our house, before it was our house, um, who was the family that used to live there?(me, after telling him about the previous owners): That's a really good question Tommy. You are like a detective- you ask a lot of good questions.Yeah. (pause) Mommy, did you know that some plants don't even need sun?! They don't. Daddy told me. Like those pink flowers with the leaves? They don't need sun!

Mommy, I thought I couldn't do it, so I called your name because I wanted you to help me but then I tried it again and I did it!

(me, after he has repeated the same phrase over and over): Why do you keep repeating that?
Because I want you to say it too. That's what Henry does.

Mommy? When I'm five I will call you Mom.

she did it!

Thank you, thank you friends and family for all your support.