Happy New Year

From Lammy (Patty)

Lambkin Pleads To Axe Man

Lammy was really upset that she got cut from the Flavor of Axe TV show. Her baby, Lambkin, tries to soften Axe Man's heart so he will let her mommy back on the show.

My Reaction To Axe Man

Oh, how Axe Man gets me so excited.

Fresh Air

I was cold at first out there in the snow, but then I began to feel really warm!

Lammy As Cave Troll

Lammy takes a screen test for the role of the Cave Troll in the upcoming movie, Gone With the Captists.

I Did A Meme

I saw this meme on Seize the Nite, Stuffed Animal Tales, and one of Cheesemeister's blogs.

Here are the rules for the meme:
1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag seven random [?] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that he or she has been tagged by posting a comment on his or her blog.

1) I have the head of a sheep or lamb, thus they call me Lammy. Duh!
2) I believe that you really don't know a guy until you have had sex with him. And I really know a lot of guys! Girls too.
3) This one is confusing to me: I'm not sure if I should include it or not. There may be a lot of others just like me, but maybe not. I guess I could go ahead and put it down, but I'm not really sure. Maybe I shouldn't. But then again, maybe I should. I mean, it could be weird, but probably not. So I guess I will write it down here. Yet I am having second thoughts about it. Maybe I shouldn't. But maybe I should. Well, anyway, it's that I have a very hard time making a decision of what to do.
4) I like to drink a lot of wine. But what's weird is that I am not particular about who I drink with because I go to Ugly Grace's bar and grill. What's so weird about that is the people I hang with. They are all very weird. Except for Ugly Grace. She just looks weird because she is so ugly.
5) I like to masticate. But doesn't everyone?
6) I was killed by being burned up by a candle I was playing with, and then I went to hell. I didn't like that place very much and went to court and had my death reversed and rose from the dead. That's when I met Murry Magdalene. He/she was the first to see me when I rose.
7) I had a baby, Lambkin, but I don't know who the real father is. Peter Piper thinks he is the daddy, but he is just dancing to his own tune. Dr. Schitz is doing some DNA testing and the results should be back in a year or so.

Okay. Now if you want to respond, here is a twist. Tell us seven things that are NOT weird or unusual about yourself. Ha ha! Bet you can't do it!

Ruminate

Some people just don't know how to enjoy food like I do.

Turkey Day

I had my Turkey behind Ugly Grace's bar and grill with another turkey, Arsewipe. Buzzin was there checking out the dumpsters and Lyanne Sakks gave the Axolotl a golden shower. I was very thankful that no one saw us!

Henry Won't Give Up On Me

Hashish Henry keeps following me and wanting me to come back to him.

Lammy Sings Backstage

Lammy gave us a private performance backstage at the Netherworld Center for the Arts.

One Hour To Live

I went to Mystic Xenia to see if she could see my future. She just looked at her crystal ball and shook her head, not saying a word. I kept asking what was wrong. Was that thing out of batteries or going on the blink? A tear formed in her eye as she looked off in the distance and just spoke very low. So low I couldn't understand what she was saying, so I kept asking her what she said. She finally got tired of me asking her that, so she yelled out at me that I was going to die in one hour.

An hour! What should I do? Only one hour to live! Maybe, I thought, I should run down to Ugly Grace's and get drunk. But an hour isn't long enough. I'd just begin to feel it when I'd have to stop and go to hell where all the alcohol would be evaporated and I'd have an eternal hangover.

Then I thought I should go out and have some good sex. But an hour wouldn't even be long enough to get through the dinner with all the ruminating and masticating that I like to do. Well, isn't dinner part of foreplay?

Maybe I should do like those old men who invest their money in stocks and such so they will be rich when they die. But an hour isn't long enough to get rich. And what good is all that money after I am dead? Oh, well.

Maybe I should write a novel real quick so I can be remembered post-humorously. Shit! I don't think that is the right word. Sort of like if I paint a cool picture and put strange symbols in it that will make people stare at it and try to figure what it means for hundreds of years after I'm gone, like the Di Vinci code thing.

Or maybe I should write a last post and tell each of my friends how they should change to have a better life. But what do I know? They could just use my life as an example of what 'not' to do.

I was so confused and flustered that I didn't know what to do! Then I looked out the window and saw Mystic Xenia, Sigmund Fraud, Rev. Reptile and Pansi and others all laughing their butts off at me. I asked them what was so funny and they said they were just playing a prank on me to teach me a lesson about life and conduct an experiment to see what I would do if I thought I was going to die.

Beautiful Poem

Lammy recites the poem that Roachz had on her blog with the English translation.

Wolfie Admits The Truth

I finally gave in and accepted a date with Wolfie, but then he said he was actually gay and just wanted to chase me around because it was a wolf's instinct to prey on lambs. This upset me. I thought he really wanted me because I was a girl. I wish I was a regular girl again. I am really depressed now.

Should I Shave My Head?

I just feel so depressed with this lamb's head and wish I could look like a girl again. Even a bald girl would be better than this!

Speaking In Tongues

I went to church and got the spirit again! But some said it was from Eucharist abuse. Well, I did go to the altar call several times for the wine. Actually more times than I can remember.

Video Email From Kevin

After seeing my picture, Kevin sent me a beautiful video email. I hope I can get Spooky Guy to babysit for Lambkin!

I Prayed For My Lambkin

I went to church and prayed real hard to get my baby Lambkin back from Axe Man, or Spooky Guy who is taking care of her. Then I went to Ugly Grace's Bar and Grill and told everyone.

Lambkin's First Words

Lammy's baby, Lambkin, spoke it's first words. And it's favorite toy is an ax. That makes people believe that Axe Man may be the father! It talks like him and loves to play with an ax! Lammy was supposed to be in court today for a custody hearing because the court feels she is an unfit mother. But Lammy did not show up for the hearing. Instead, she stopped in at Norvis' Coffee Shop. So custody has been awarded to Axe Man until a DNA test can be performed by Dr. Schitz to determine if Axe Man is the real father.

Stop That Drinking!

Hashish Henry tried to get me to stop drinking. Good-bye, Henry.

Give Me More

Chris Crocker's video is HERE.
He is the guy, yes guy, who did the "Leave Britney Alone" video.

Thoughts About Henry

I don't know if I want to marry Henry or not.

Hashish Henry Is Worried

The sandwich head man, Hashish Henry, is getting worried about Lammy since he has proposed to her. She has been out running around and he hasn't seen her in over a week since she accepted.

Just An Experiment

I was just wanting to try out a program called CrazyTalk from Reallusion to see how it works. This is a trial program and has the watermarks.

Physical Check Up

I went to Dr. Schitz for my anual physical check up. This is my x-ray. The good doctor just looked at it and laughed. He wouldn't tell me anything at all. He just said he'd let me know when the results came back from the lab. He worries me. That is usually what they say when there is something very wrong and they don't want to tell us.

Wolfie Turns Un-Gay?

I couldn't believe it. Wolfie suddenly got the hots for me, and I thought he was gay. But maybe it's just his instinct to go after sheep.

Dancing With A Friend

Strawberry Wine

I really enjoyed drinking all that wine, especially the Strawberry Wine.

The Fine Wine Store

I thought I would go to town and see what new stores they opened.

Super Dog Icy

Sometimes I just get a little too excited and don't realize what I am doing. That's when I need really super friends like Super Icy the dog.

Henry Pops The Question

I couldn't believe it! Henry actually proposed to me. Maybe we will be able to join the group wedding with Dr. Schitz and Nurse Violent and Wolfie and Nossy, the vampire. It will be an interesting fall. Now if we could only get Flowering Kudzu and Nervous Norvis to hitch up.

Hashish Henry

I saw my on-off boyfriend, Hashish Henry, in the park. He has a sandwich for a head like I have a Lamb's head, so we have something in common, sort of. I just couldn't wait to be in his arms again. His kisses are so delicious!

Praying For Nurse Violent

I went to church where Rev. Jimmy Reptile was holding a special prayer session for Nurse Violent in hopes of preparing her for her upcoming wedding to Dr. Schitz this fall. I thought I was in bad shape until I learned of all the demons in that poor woman. We prayed all night to cast out as many demons as we could. As for my own problem, well, I am full of spirits from that cheap wine, but all I have to do is go pee to cast them out.

Rap Dance

Me and my bestest girlfriend Flowering Kudzu do our dancing bit.

My Ghost In The Fog

The original Cradle of Filth video is HERE

Restless Night

I have those restless nights when it is so hard to sleep. My legs kill me, even though I do a lot of running. Or maybe it is because I run so much.

Had A Great Time, I Think

I had a wonderful night out with the girls, I think. I really was feeling good after drinking my favorite cheap wine and I don't know what else.

(14) Norvis Tumbles

This is the final scene of a series I made, then I put them together in a video with sound to make a cartoon version of it on Asinine3 Comics. It was sort of like what Cheesemeister was talking about little accomplishments coming together to form larger ones. First I made a photoshop picture. Then put several pictures together to form a moving gif. Then put the gifs together to form a movie. I guess anything is done by piecemeal.

(13) Girl's Night Out

The girls plan a night out.

NEXT

(12) Let's Go Party

Flowering Kudzu and I decided to go out for the evening.

NEXT

(11) Mickey Ratt Protests

I really don't know if it is called Patty Cake like patting, or Paddy Cake like making Paddies. Whatever it is, Mickey Ratt didn't like it.

NEXT

(10) Paddy Cake Paddy Cake...

Norvis acted so surprised and shocked when he walked in and saw us on the bed naked, but we were just playing a game of slapping our hands together and singing Paddy Cake...

NEXT

(9) Norvis Warned by Spooky Guy

Norvis headed back to his Honeymoon Suite to find out what happened to Kudzu and Lammy, but the Spooky Guy warned him not to go into the room!

NEXT

(8) Norvis Woke Up And We Were Gone

Nervous Norvis woke up and we had gone to the room, and so he decided to come up and find out what we were doing.

NEXT

(7) Prenuptial Honeymoon

I was almost as shocked as Norvis when Kudzu said Honeymoon. But after he passed out, she explained to me that it was just a prenuptual sexual encounter to see how it might be if they did get married later on. But I think Kudzu was getting fed up with Norvis passing out and acting so nervous all the time.

NEXT

(6) Honeymoon?

Flowering Kudzu told me she was on a honeymoon with Nervous Norvis! The mere thought of marriage made Norvis so nervous that he passed out!

NEXT

(5) Kudzu and Norvis At The Hotel

I saw my good friend, Flowering Kudzu, at the hotel, and she was with that little nervous guy, Nervous Norvis. He had bandages all around his head from passing out so much and falling.

NEXT

(4) Netherworld Hotel

I began running away from the nasty place where Axe Man was living. I love to get out and run and think. Then I saw the Netherworld Hotel and went there.

NEXT

(3) I Had To Pee

I just couldn't stand it there with Axe Man, especially when Arsewipe stuck his head up out of the toilet, or urinal. It sure ain't easy for a girl to piss in one of them things. I just got the hell out of there.

NEXT

(2) Axe Man Is Uncouth and Obnoxious

Well, it seems I am not hitting it off very well with that band member of the Death Cheese.

NEXT

(1) Axe Man To The Rescue!

After being in that wreck, I was pretty shook up and thought that was a pretty good reason to go have a few drinks at Ugly Grace's bar and grill where the Death Cheese Band plays. But I had pretty much wine and got pretty drunk! I walked outside and took a deep breath, and it all hit me at once. I passed out. But I was pretty lucky because Axe Man, one of the band members, came out and helped me home. But it was pretty strange because he took me to HIS home, not mine!

NEXT

Hello Friends!

I Was In An Accident

After church, Zack Crackajack offered me a ride home. That guy is a terrible driver! He had a wreck from running a red light. Luckily my baby, Lambkin, was okay. But it knocked the piss out of Axolotl the pet salamander that Lambkin plays with. Well, I guess I should say it knocked the piss off of Axolotl, shouldn't I?

I Went To Church

I was so happy to get my baby Lambkin back, that I went to church with Rev. Reptile and Pansi.

Screenplay - SCENE 45

45 INT. UGLY GRACE'S BAR - DIMLY LIT

Death Cheese band is on stage PLAYING A SONG
called "Route Twisted Love":

DEATH CHEESE BAND
(sings)
Love gives life strange turns
Love gives life strange twists
Driving in a mist
On Route Twisted Love!

Kudzu and Phelps sit in a dark corner at a table as
Murry and Norvis come in and sit at another table.
Vinnie enters and sits at the bar beside Lammy and
Henry.

VINNIE BARBARINO
I hears you got your pumpkin back,
Lambchop!

LAMMY
My name's Lammy, not Lambchop.
And my baby is not pumpkin, it's
Lambkin.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Sorry, just kidding. Get it. Kid ing.
Oh, never mind. Where's at?

LAMMY
It's with a baby sitter while we come
out and celebrate.

VINNIE BARBARINO
I'll drink to that, but what are we
celebrating?

LAMMY
We got rid of Quatloo. He's stuck in
another dimension with my
curmudgeon sister, Lula. Forever!

VINNIE BARBARINO
I'll drink to that, but who will be my
boss now?

HASHISH HENRY
That little weed over there.
(points to Kudzu)
She got everything. She's Quatloo's
grand daughter.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Hmmm. All that loot does make her
grand.
(nods toward Murry)
I see that gorgeous blond is still
hanging with that twitchy nervous
creep.

LAMMY jerks and bobs her head as she sings along
with the Death Cheese Band to the words of their
song:

Love gives life strange twists
Love gives life strange turns
Driving in a mist
On Route Twisted Love!

HASHISH HENRY
Or maybe Love creates strange bed-
fellows.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Well, here's looking at you.

Vinnie gets up and walks over to Murry.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Oh, that thug makes me so nervous!

VINNIE BARBARINO
(to Murry)
Hey, beauty queen. A ravishing broad
like you needs a real straight shooter
like me.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Hey, just cause I sit to pee don't
mean I'm not a man! Maybe I'm a
little nervous to shoot straight, but...
(begins to shake)
Oh, I'm so nervous!

VINNIE BARBARINO
(to Murry)
You need a strong steady hand to
hold all that sexy ooze.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Whatever you said, you said it with
heart.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Come on and I'll take you for the ride
of your life, babe.

NERVOUS NORVIS
(crying)
He's making me very nervous!

Norvis falls to the floor and wiggles.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Sounds good to me! You sexy hunk,
you!

VINNIE BARBARINO
(to the band)
Play it again, Cheese!

Murry and Vinnie leave.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Oh, that poor guy.

PHELPS
Yes, I feel sorry for Vinnie, too.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Not that thug! I mean poor Norvis!

PHELPS
Vinnie should have just shot him and
put him out of his misery!

FLOWERING KUDZU
Oh, you are such a cad! How can you
be so cruel!

Kudzu goes over and helps Norvis into a chair and
sits by him.

PHELPS
But what about us? A rich gal like
you needs a good accountant like
me!

FLOWERING KUDZU
All you care about is my money! Get
lost!

Kudzu hugs Norvis.

NERVOUS NORVIS
You are very sweet.

FLOWERING KUDZU
And I love your coffee.

Phelps walks over and sits at a table by himself and
Kudzu and Norvis move to the dark corner table.

LAMMY
Yep! Love can reek havoc!

HASHISH HENRY
I'm just glad we got back together!

LAMMY
(speaks softly)
I haven't been out with that Phelps
guy, yet.

She stares at Phelps who stares back at her.

HASHISH HENRY
What do you mean, 'yet'?

DEATH CHEESE BAND
(sings and plays)
Love gives life strange twists
Love gives life strange turns
Driving in a mist
On Route Twisted Love!

FADE OUT.

THE END

Screenplay - SCENE 44

Axolotl tries to stop Mickey Rat from saving the mean Mr. Quatloo.


44 INT. DR. SCHITZ LAB - DAY

As Snewgflo stands at the control panel of the
machine, Lammy and Henry kiss on the couch.
Lambkin plays on the floor with Mickey Rat and
Axolotl.

Lammy's iPhone rings and she answers it and talks a
moment.

HASHISH HENRY
What is it?

LAMMY
Trouble. Quatloo wants to come
back. He doesn't like Lula.

HASHISH HENRY
Who would.

LAMMY
I get along with her, sometimes.

HASHISH HENRY
But she's your sister.

LAMMY
We can't let Snewgflo find out. He'll
turn the machine off and bring him
back here.

HASHISH HENRY
Damn. Then he'll start making life
miserable for everybody again. What
should we tell Snewgflo.

LAMMY
I don't think the professor wants him
back either, but he's very ethical, in
a strange way. Besides, Quatloo
pays for his experiments.

HASHISH HENRY
Maybe we can distract him until the
hour is up and it will be too late for
Quatloo to return.

LAMMY
I have to pee.

HASHISH HENRY
Not now! We have to think of
something.

LAMMY
I can think while I pee. You think I'm
retarded or something?

Henry then whispers in Lammy's ear. She nods and
gets up and walks slowly over beside Snewgflo.

SNEWGFLO
Has anyone called yet?

LAMMY
Uh. Um. Well. Not yet. How much
longer he got?

SNEWGFLO
(looks at watch)
About five minutes. Who were you
talking to on the iPhone?

LAMMY
No one. Just a friend.

SNEWGFLO
You're acting sort of peculiar, little
lamb head girl. Did he call and you're
lying to me to keep him in there
forever.

LAMMY
(stands against him)
Oh, professor. Don't be silly...
(pissing sound)
Oops.

They look down and see that Lammy had pulled her
skirt up and pressed her bare legs against Snewgflo's
pant legs, then peed.

SNEWGFLO
What the hell! I can't stand urine! I'm
allergic to it! I have to get these
pants off quick!

Snewgflo rushes to the door to the side room.

LAMMY
Where you going?

SNEWGFLO
I have clean pants in here. I'll be
right back. Mickey Rat! Pull that plug
from the wall.

Snewgflo goes in the room and slams the door while
Mickey Rat scampers over to the cord plugged into
the wall socket. The cord and plug are back under
the legs of the machine and Lammy or Henry can't
reach the rat.

LAMMY
Stop him, Axolotl!

Axolotl the salamander hops over to Mickey and they
begin to wrestle. Mickey knocks Axolotl down
several times and starts to pull the plug when
Axolotl manages to knock the cord away and wrestle
with Mickey Rat.

Meanwhile, Lammy and Henry scoot the couch over
in front of the door and hear BANGING OF FISTS from
the other side.

HASHISH HENRY
That will keep him for a while.

Mickey Rat knocks Axolotl onto his back where he
lies still.

MICKEY RAT
And I thought you were my buddy.

Mickey Rat then takes the cord with his paws and
mouth and begins to pull. The end of the cord begins
to slightly slip out of the wall socket. The digital
countdown clock on the machine shows 30
SECONDS.

The cord slides a little more from socket.

LAMMY
Stop! Please don't do it! Don't let
that mean ole guy out!

MICKEY RAT
What's in it for me?

HASHISH HENRY
Cheese?

MICKEY RAT
I get all I can eat here at the lab!

LAMMY
Girl Rats?

MICKEY RAT
Got that. You guys are just trying to
stall!

Mickey Rat then grips the cord with his paws and
bites down hard on the cord for a good grip, but
sparks fly, he brightens up and we see his skeleton
for a second, then he falls back.

Lammy looks up to the clock and it continues to
count down 5-4-3-2-1-0. A buzzer sounds.

LAMMY
Did he get shocked?

HASHISH HENRY
If he had shorted the cord and got
shocked, it would have stopped the
machine.

They look around, then see Axolotl lying on the
handle of the stun gun.

Lammy and Henry hug each other and kiss as they
hear a scream from inside the machine.

QUATLOO
(muffled voice)
I want out of here! I want out of
here!

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 43

43 EXT. BEAUTIFUL MEADOW - DAY

Quatloo craws out of the pipe and stands looking at
Lula in the distance.

QUATLOO
Hey, are you Lammy's sister?

LULA
I'm coming as fuck'n fast as I can,
just don't get your ass in an uproar.

Quatloo fidgets as he waits for her to walk very
slowly toward him. He looks about and picks some
berries from a bush and eats them and shakes his
head in approval. Then he picks a fruit from a tree
and bites it, chews and smiles.

He notices a picnic table covered with all forms of
food with a fancy ambiance. He stands over it and
smells the items and samples some and grins as Lula
finally arrives.

QUATLOO
Thank you for a commendable job of
preparing such a fantastic and
succulent meal.

LULA
I didn't do that shit! Those fuck'n
fairies do that all the time. I guess
that's their shitty job or something.

QUATLOO
Fairies?

LULA
Didn't you pick me any fuck'n
flowers?

QUATLOO
Oh, sorry. I'm new here.

LULA
You look old. You look like a hundred
year old bastard!

QUATLOO
I will be soon, as a matter of fact.
But I am in excellent condition due
to the assistance of Dr. Schitz. I
have the body of a 25 year old.

LULA
Me, too! That's because I just turned
25. Why's your hair and beard all
fuck'n white like that?

QUATLOO
I thought it made me look
distinguished and wise.

LULA
You look shitty and stupid!

QUATLOO
Well. I was smart enough to become
a billionaire.

LULA
Ha! Then you must be a real scrooge
asshole! Let's see if you can kiss.

They kiss.

QUATLOO
How was that? Like that?

LULA
I got a mouth full of fuck'n hair
instead of tongue! Nasty shit! That
shit's got to go!
(motions with hand)
Fairies!

Dozens of small fairies swarm around Quatloo's head
as he screams. He dances around and waves his
hand trying to shoo them away. When they leave, he
is clean shaven and bald.

QUATLOO
What the hell!

LULA
Now. That fuck'n suit's got to go!
(motions with hand)
Fairies!

The fairies swarm around his whole body and when
they leave he is dressed in a tee-shirt and shorts.

QUATLOO
Damn! I got sensitive skin! I don't
want to get skin cancer from the
sun!

LULA
Your ass don't get sick over here.

QUATLOO
I need a comfortable chair and my
business newspapers.

LULA
You don't need that shit here.

QUATLOO
What about sex. How about it?

LULA
Whenever I get in the fuck'n mood.

QUATLOO
You? Hey. You ain't the boss. When I
say fuck you fall back and spread!

LULA
Not with me, dick head! And I don't
do bottom. I'll be on top. You get the
fuck'n scratchy grass all over your
back and ass!

QUATLOO
You're a snot nose little bitch!

Lula kicks him in the groin causing him to double
over in pain.

LULA
That's what everyone said about me
over there.

QUATLOO
Hell with this! I want to go back
'over there' as you say. Where's my
iPhone. I want out of here!

Quatloo looks around for his iPhone as Lula holds it
and laughs. Quatloo tries to take it from her.

LULA
(motions with hand)
Fuckers!

The swarm of fairies surround Quatloo and begin
poking him with little sticks like bees stinging him.
He screams and runs and the swarm follow him until
he comes to a lake and jumps in.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 42

42 INT. DR. SCHITZ LAB - DAY

Lammy, holding Lambkin, Henry, Snewgflo, Schitz,
Quatloo, Phelps and Kudzu gather around the
machine.

QUATLOO
(to Snewgflo)
So I have one hour to decide if I
want to stay or not?

SNEWGFLO
Yes. Here.
(hands him iPhone)
If you want out, just call us.

QUATLOO
Is the girl expecting me?

LAMMY
I called my sister and told her. Lula
is waiting for you.

QUATLOO
I hope she likes me.

LAMMY
She is what they call a young
curmudgeon, but you'll get used to
her.
(whispers to Henry)
Not.

Quatloo climbs onto the cot and then crawls into the
small opening into the machine.

Snewgflo presses the 'on' button, but nothing
happens.

SNEWGFLO
What's wrong with it! It's not
working! It's broke!

Mickey Rat sticks the cord into the wall plug and the
machine starts to roar.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Hope he likes it in there!

PHELPS
Sure, then you will get all his money.
(stares at her)
By the way, you got a boyfriend?

FLOWERING KUDZU
Not at the moment.

PHELPS
How bout going down to Ugly
Grace's bar and have a couple drinks
with me while we wait.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Sure. How long have you worked for
grand-daddy?

Their voices FADE AND ECHOES as they walk out of
the door and down the hall.

LAMMY
Hey. What happened to Axe Man?

HASHISH HENRY
Oh. Well. He saw that band leaving
and started talking to them and
forgot all about you.

LAMMY
He always could just think of one
thing at a time, like a one track
mind.

HASHISH HENRY
And so he went with them to jam, or
whatever they call it.

LAMMY
Musicians are fickle sometimes.
They love their music more than
anything.

DR. SCHITZ
Oh, will you guys please excuse me
for a while.

SNEWGFLO
Where you going?

DR. SCHITZ
I have to perform some surgery.

HASHISH HENRY
Anyone we know?

DR. SCHITZ
As a matter of fact, yes. Murry
Magdalene. He wants me to give him
a sex-change operation.

LAMMY
You going to cut off his penis?

DR. SCHITZ
(smirks)
My nurse Violent will do that. I will
then sew in a woo-woo for him.

HASHISH HENRY
That will make Norvis happy.

LAMMY
If he doesn't get too nervous to hit
the hole!

Henry and Lammy sit on the couch as Snewgflo
watches the dials on the machine.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 41

41 INT. CEREMONY ROOM - DIMLY LIT

Evil Ed stands behind the altar table waving butcher
knives around in the air over Lambkin as he mumbles
unintelligible words.

Enditall the witch stands at his side looking bored.

Quatloo, Phelps, Schitz and Snewgflo stand in front
of the crowd watching as the satanic band plays.

QUATLOO
Come on, Evil Ed! You've been
mumbling and waving those knives
around for twenty minutes! How long
does this crap take?

EVIL ED
Do you want it done right or not?

QUATLOO
Just drain the blood and get it over
with!

EVIL ED
Well, maybe you'd like to come up
here and do it, since you're such a
smart ass know-it-all! I mean, well, I
am just doing this as an extra job to
pick up a few bucks.

QUATLOO
You had better keep your day job. I
could do better than what you have
done so far! I bet those words you
mumble don't mean shit!

ENDITALL THE WITCH
(laughing)
Really, they don't mean anything!
Evil Ed is not really evil. That's just
his nickname he uses when he
writes for that crappy newspaper.

QUATLOO
Get out! You are all fired! And take
that crappy band with you!

The crowd files out and the band stops playing and
leaves.

EVIL ED
Fine. Just do it yourself! I don't think
I can ever eat lamb chops again!

Evil Ed and Enditall leave.

Quatloo nudges Schitz.

QUATLOO
Go on up there and drain the baby's
blood! You're a surgeon.

DR. SCHITZ
Surgeon, yes. But not a butcher.
Besides, the baby isn't the child of
the Grim Reaper! So why drain it's
blood.

QUATLOO
Huh?

DR. SCHITZ
The lambkin's blood won't do you
any good at all!

QUATLOO
(stares at the child)
Damn! That's right. But it's from
Lammy. It's got her blood! She was
dead and now she lives!

Lammy enters the room with Henry.

LAMMY
You want my blood. Take my blood!
Butcher me, not my baby! Lambkin
won't do you any good. It's just an
ordinary baby with wool and a lamb's
head.

PHELPS
A baby with wool and sheep head
sure ain't ordinary.

LAMMY
It won't do you any good.

Lammy runs over and grabs up the baby in her arms.

QUATLOO
What the hell was I thinking? I just
over-reacted. Things just aren't
working out for me! I like to be in
control!

PHELPS
Well, you're the boss.

QUATLOO
I feel so stupid. All I really want is to
live forever. I don't want to die now
after making all this money! I'm rich
you know. It would be a waste to
just up and die. What good is it to
work all your life and get rich if you
just die after you get rich?

LAMMY
Maybe there's another way.

QUATLOO
To live forever?

LAMMY
But there's one problem with what I
got in mind.

QUATLOO
What?

LAMMY
You can't have your money and live
forever, both.

QUATLOO
Who wants to live forever in poverty?

LAMMY
When I was in Prof. Snewgflo's
machine, there was a beautiful
dimension where you never get sick
or old or hungry or anything.

SNEWGFLO
My machine!

LAMMY
Yes. Where my sister is. She has all
she needs, but she is lonely. She
needs someone.

QUATLOO
Does she have a lamb's head and bad
breath like you?

LAMMY
No. She is real pretty with long red
hair and a body like mine.

QUATLOO
You do look nice from the neck
down.

LAMMY
You can go in there for an hour and
see what it is like. Longer than that,
then you stay forever.

QUATLOO
And live forever?

SNEWGFLO
Yes. That's all true.

PHELPS
But what about all that money, Mr.
Quatloo?

QUATLOO
My grand-daughter, Flowering Kudzu
will get it. That is, if I decide to stay.
(thinks)
You say I got an hour in there to
decide?

SNEWGFLO
Yes. An hour.

QUATLOO
What are we waiting for. Let's get
over to the lab! I want to try this out!

They all leave. The room is empty and SILENT.

The rest room door opens and Vinnie comes out and
looks around.

VINNIE BARBARINO
What the hell? Where's the party?
Where did everyone go? Damn! I hate
when this happens!

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 40

Only five more scenes after this.


40 EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - DAY

Reptile, Murry, Norvis, Kudzu, Sexxi, Axe Man, Henry
and Lammy walk to the drive.

HASHISH HENRY
Reptile, Murry and Norvis. You guys
take the SUV. Axe Man, Lammy and I
will take my car that's in Dante's
Park.

OFFICER SEXXI
I'll lead the way in my cruiser with
lights and sirens. Hope we get to
Quatloo's before he sacrifices that
baby.

LAMMY
My Lambkin! Why is he going to kill
my Lambkin?

HASHISH HENRY
(as they walk to the car)
He thinks the baby's blood will make
him live forever.

LAMMY
What a ass hole. Real dumbass!

Their voices fade as they walk across the road to
Dante's Park.

Reptile, Murry and Norvis remain beside the SUV.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I'll drive.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Why can't I do the driving?

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm too nervous to drive.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I think I better drive and let you two
sit in the back. You got a lot to talk
about. I'll be praying for you.

They get in.

CUT TO:

INT. THE BACKSEAT AS CAR DRIVES.

NERVOUS NORVIS
You really are a sweet girl and I like
you a whole lot, you know.

MURRY MAGDALENE
And I like you, Norvis.

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm so nervous, I don't know how to
say this.

MURRY MAGDALENE
(sobbing)
Are you going to break up with me?
Oh, it will break my heart right into!

NERVOUS NORVIS
(shaking all over)
There's just something I don't
understand, and I get real nervous
when I don't understand and
Reverend Reptile said you would
help me understand. Do you
understand?

MURRY MAGDALENE
What is it, my love?

Murry kisses Norvis.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Like, well, first, how about that
adam's apple there in your neck? I
thought only guys had those. Why
would a girl like you have one?

Murry rubs his neck.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh, this. Well, you see. It's like this.
I had an accident when I was a child.
I got a chicken bone lodged in my
neck right there and they said it
would be too dangerous to try to
take it out and it doesn't block my
pipes much. It just sticks out in the
front like a man's adam apple.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Oh. I thought there was a reasonable
explanation for that! I feel better
now. Still nervous, but better.

MURRY MAGDALENE
I'm so glad, my love. I thought there
for a minute you were going to break
up with me.

NERVOUS NORVIS
There's one more thing.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh, really? What could that be?

NERVOUS NORVIS
Well, when you were hanging from
the roof before we went up and
helped you up, well, when we were
down on the ground looking up...

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh dear! Don't tell me you naughty
little boys were looking up my dress!

NERVOUS NORVIS
Yeah, like that. We were.

MURRY MAGDALENE
My oh my oh my. How embarrassing!

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm kind of nervous now to ask about
this, but it looked like you had a
penis, like a man. Why would a girl
like you have a penis.

MURRY MAGDALENE
You see, sweetheart. When I was
just a little girl, I had what they call
"penis envy".

NERVOUS NORVIS
Huh?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Lord, have mercy on them!

MURRY MAGDALENE
Yes. It is a terrible thing for a little
girl to go through. So my parents got
me one.

NERVOUS NORVIS
They got you a penis?

MURRY MAGDALENE
Yes. It was a present for my
birthday.

NERVOUS NORVIS
That was awful nice of your parents.
I didn't mean to embarrass you, but I
just had to know.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Do you still love little ole me,
sweets?

NERVOUS NORVIS
Of course. You're the nicest
girlfriend I ever had, even if you do
have a penis.

They kiss as Reptile prays softly.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 39

39 INT. DR. SCHITZ LAB - DAY

Henry and Axe Man look at the machine.

AXE MAN
What?

HASHISH HENRY
It's the machine Lammy is trapped
in. We just have a few seconds to
get her out.

AXE MAN
Lammy? There?

HASHISH HENRY
Yes. We have to turn it off, quick!

AXE MAN
Off?

HASHISH HENRY
So Lammy can get out, or she'll be
stuck there, forever!

AXE MAN
Lammy? Out?

HASHISH HENRY
Hit the damn thing with that ax,
dumb ass!

Axe Man swings the ax, but the machine is metal and
doesn't even dent.

LOUD CLANG.

Axe Man vibrates and falls back.

MICKEY RAT
Can I assist you gentlemen's?

HASHISH HENRY
Huh? Who said that?

MICKEY RAT
Down here. you's needs help?

HASHISH HENRY
A rat!

MICKEY RAT
Yeah, yeah. Okay. What's the
problem?

HASHISH HENRY
We have to turn this thing off to save
my girl!

MICKEY RAT
What's in it for me?

HASHISH HENRY
We only have a couple seconds or
Lammy and Axolotl will be trapped in
there forever!

MICKEY RAT
Axolotl? That's my buddy!

Mickey Rat scampers over to the cord and struggles
with it until he finally jerks it out of the wall socket.

The machine stops.

HASHISH HENRY
Ah. That was simple. Why didn't I
think of that?

MICKEY RAT
That's 'cause I'm so short. I means,
you's could of just hit the off button,
up there's.

Lammy climbs out of the Machine and Henry helps
her down and they hug and kiss.

Axolotl comes out and Mickey Rat scampers up and
hugs him and they SQUEAL.

AXE MAN
Lammy. Mine!

Axe Man leaps up and raises his ax to strike Henry.

LAMMY
No, Axe. Don't.

She goes over and kisses him.

AXE MAN
Lammy. Good Ass.

LAMMY
You and Henry have to help me save
my baby! Think you can be a good
boy and work with him for a while?

AXE MAN
Baby? Mine?

LAMMY
I don't know. Could be. But you two
have to work together and help me.
Do you understand that?

AXE MAN
Work? Axe Man work?

LAMMY
I mean be like friends and help me.
Do you know what I mean? Partners.
Like when you play with others in
the band? If you want to call it that.

AXE MAN
Axe Man. Play.

HASHISH HENRY
Friends?

Axe Man and Henry stare at each other. Then they
finally reach out their hands and shake.

AXE MAN
Friends. Help Lammy.

SOUND OF APPLAUSE.

Reptile, Murry, Norvis, Kudzu and Sexxi are all
standing at the door watching and clapping.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 38

38 EXT. BEAUTIFUL MEADOW - DAY

Lammy and Lula walk holding hands as fairies fly
around and Axolotl hops beside them.

LULA
(nods at Axolotl)
That's such a cute little fucker once
you get used to him.

LAMMY
(laughs)
But you can't let him in the house
because of the smell.
(looks around)
Don't you have houses in this world?
Or other people? I mean, is it all just
like this?

LULA
I have all the shit I need here. I
really didn't like the fuck'n bastards
when I was back over there. And the
sons of bitches hated my ass, too!
Fuck them all!

Lula leads Lammy over to a clump of bushes that has
marijuana growing with them.

LAMMY
(giggles)
Hashish Henry would love this place!

LULA
Who the shit?

LAMMY
My boyfriend.
(silly closed mouth smile)
For now.
(shrugs shoulders)
I guess.

LULA
Don't you know?

LAMMY
Well, we were going together and
then you were in the cemetery and
he didn't tell me, so I got mad at
him.

LULA
That wasn't me. I can't leave this
place.

LAMMY
But who was it, then?

LULA
It was a bitch called Lyanne Sakks
acting like me.

LAMMY
If you can't leave, how'd you know
that?

Lula pulls out a iPhone and taps on the screen, then
shows Lammy.

LULA
I could see what the fuck goes on
over there with my iPhone. Fuck'n
Snewgflo gave it to me and added
some special shit to it.

LAMMY
Wow. You can see what goes on in
my world!

LULA
But I don't use the sucker much
because you can't talk back to me.
But fuck'n Snewgflo might give you
one, then we could talk and shit.

LAMMY
You not coming back with me?

LULA
After so long, you fuck'n can't leave.
Now I can never leave. Fuck, I don't
really want to go back to that shit
hole over there.

LAMMY
But I don't want to stay here, like
forever!

Lula presses the screen, then shows Lammy.

The screen shows Henry and Axe Man in the lab.

LULA
They might save your ass. But if they
do, be sure and get one of these so
you can fuck'n call me.

LAMMY
How about that. Henry and Axe Man
together.

Then Lula shoos away the flying fairies then taps the
screen again and shows it to Lammy.

It shows the ceremony room at Quatloo's and Evil Ed
with the knives above Lambkin on the altar.

LULA
Isn't that your baby?

LAMMY
My Lambkin! I really do have a baby!
They had me convinced it was all in
my imagination! Got so, I don't know
what's real and what ain't.

LULA
I was like that. But way fuck'n worse
than you are. That's why I'm better
off over here.
(stares at iPhone)
Look at this fool.

LAMMY
That's Evil Ed, I think. Some reporter
for the Crappy Times. What's he
doing there?

LULA
Sort of funny as hell.

LAMMY
Killing my baby ain't funny!

LULA
Don't mean it that way. Just the
nervous shit-faced look.

LAMMY
Huh?

LULA
And his hands are shaking. Looks
fuck'n scared. Or just don't want to
be there. Doing that.

LAMMY
Is there a way I can get out? I got to
save Lambkin!

LULA
Only if they turn off the fuck'n
machine, then you can go back
through that pipe over there.

They look at a drain pipe coming out of the hillside.

LAMMY
They'll save me!

LULA
Then which one will you go with?
The fucker with the ax or the bastard
with the sandwich head?

LAMMY
I like them both. Oh. I have so much
trouble making up my mind! I just
can't make a decision!

LULA
At least you have a choice. I get
fuck'n lonely here. Just these damn
fairies.

LAMMY
Maybe when I get out, I can find
someone who will want to come
here and live forever with you.

LULA
If you get your ass out, don't forget
me.

They hug. Fairies buzz around them.

LAMMY
I'll never forget you, sis. I love you!

Lula shoos the fairies then looks at the little screen.

LULA
I think they are about to rescue your
ass! Haul it over there and get
ready!

Lammy and Axolotl run over to the pipe, then Lammy
runs back and hugs and kisses her sister.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 37

Axe Man

37 EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - MORNING

The gas stops spewing from the holes in the wall.

Henry, Norvis and Reptile are rolling on the ground
laughing.

Henry tries to get up, but continues to laugh, holding
his stomach.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
The gas has stopped and red light
went out! The Red Queen must not
be working now!

HASHISH HENRY
I've got to get to the lab and get
Lammy out of that machine!

Norvis gets up, then looks up at Murry again.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Oh no! This makes me more nervous
than I have ever been!

He again falls to the ground and wiggles and flops
like a fish out of water.

Henry tries to open the door, but can't.

HASHISH HENRY
We need to break down the door.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
(pointing)
Praise the Lord!

They see Axe Man coming up the road swinging his
big ax.

HASHISH HENRY
What are you doing here?

AXE MAN
Follow. Want Lammy.

HASHISH HENRY
Easy there, big guy!

AXE MAN
(raises ax)
Where Lammy?

Axe Man swings the ax at Henry who keeps dodging.

HASHISH HENRY
Careful with that big ass blade!

Henry falls to the ground on his back and Axe Man
chops down with the ax, but Henry rolls sideways
and the ax sticks in the dirt.

AXE MAN
Save Lammy!

Then Henry stands against the door.

Axe Man lifts the ax above his head ready to strike
down on Henry.

SLOW MOTION OF AXE MAN SWINGING AXE DOWN
AT HENRY.

Just as the gleaming blade is almost against his
forehead, Henry jumps out of the way.

The blade strikes the door and sparks fly and the
door falls inward.

HASHISH HENRY
Good job, big guy!

AXE MAN
But me miss you.

HASHISH HENRY
Come on. We have to work together
and save Lammy!

AXE MAN
Lammy! Good ass!

HASHISH HENRY
(to Reptile)
Grab Norvis and come on to the lab!

Henry and Axe Man rush into the building.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Come on Norvis! Get up!

Norvis points up.

On the roof, Sexxi and Kudzu are pulling Murry up.

NERVOUS NORVIS
How can a girl have a penis?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
The Lord works in mysterious ways.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Mysterious stuff makes me nervous.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Come on. Murry will explain it to
you.

NERVOUS NORVIS
You think so?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Sure!

Reptile and Norvis go into the building.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 36

36 INT. DR. SCHITZ LAB - MORNING

Nurse Violent, Officer Sexxi and Flowering Kudzu
come in.

OFFICER SEXXI
Where did they go?

NURSE VIOLENT
They flew over to Mr. Quatloo's.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Won't their arms get awfully tired?

NURSE VIOLENT
In a chopper, you idiot!

OFFICER SEXXI
(pulls gun)
You're the chopper! Now get on the
floor and spread your hands!

Violent lies face down on the floor.

NURSE VIOLENT
I usually spread my legs!

Sexxi pulls Violent's arms behind her back.

Sexxi fumbles for her handcuffs, but can't find them.

OFFICER SEXXI
Where the hell those son-bitches at?

Violent's head then begins to turn all the way around
until it faces backward, staring at Sexxi.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Is that why they call her 'rubber
neck'?

Violent opens her mouth wide showing fangs and
snarling, trying to bite Sexxi.

Sexxi jumps up and points her gun at Violent's face.

Violent's head spins on around until facing her front
and she stands.

OFFICER SEXXI
Where's the phone! I need to call for
back-up!

NURSE VIOLENT
(yells)
Red Queen! Neutralize the bitch!

RED QUEEN
Which one? I detect three.

Sexxi pulls out a handkerchief and stuffs it in
Violent's mouth.

Then she pulls a small object from her pocket.

OFFICER SEXXI
Now, one more word out of you and I
will spray your eyes full of mace!

FLOWERING KUDZU
But that's a cigarette lighter.

OFFICER SEXXI
Oh. Well, it will just have to do.

Sexxi lights the lighter, then sets the handkerchief in
Violent's mouth on fire.

Flames flare up in Violent's face.

Violent then turns and runs back into the other room.

Sexxi then goes to the hall door and tries to open it.

RED QUEEN
What is the password?

OFFICER SEXXI
It's "fuck you!"

Sexxi shoots the camera and red light above the
door.

RED QUEEN
Oh! You shot me!

OFFICER SEXXI
(shoots several more times)
Die! Won't you die?

Blood pours out.

RED QUEEN
I'm crashing, I'm crash...

SILENCE.

Sexxi looks at Kudzu and then opens the door.

Kudzu and Sexxi go out.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 35

35 INT. CEREMONY ROOM - DIMLY LIT

A satanic rock band PLAYS from the side stage in the
room.

The room is crowded with people draped in robes.

Lambkin lies on an altar.

Quatloo and Phelps stand with Enditall the Witch and
Evil Ed.

QUATLOO
I want to thank you, Enditall, for your
help in preparing this sacrifice ritual.

ENDITALL THE WITCH
Fuck you, asshole! I'm only doing it
because of your threats. I know you
can have me burned like you did my
sisters!

QUATLOO
Okay. Well. I want to thank you, Evil
Ed for your help.

EVIL ED
My only goal in life is to spread the
darkness of evil throughout the
world! I must thank you for your
financial assistance in my quest.

QUATLOO
As soon as my other guests arrive
from Hell's Pass Hospital, we can
begin the ritual and call up the Grim
Reaper.

EVIL ED
Why not call up Satan himself?

QUATLOO
Well, that might be nice. But I have
some business to discuss with this
Grimmy as they call him.

EVIL ED
Grimmy? That nickname makes him
sound so benign.

QUATLOO
Perhaps, but after all, he is just
doing his job, you know.

EVIL ED
I just hope that Satan comes.

PHELPS
Oh, speaking of the devil! Here
comes our guests now!

Snewgflo, Schitz and Vinnie come into the room
wearing satanic robes.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Why do we have to wear these
gowns! They're awfully hot!

DR. SCHITZ
Reminds me of my graduation.

SNEWGFLO
Yeah! Don't we get flat caps with
tassels?

VINNIE BARBARINO
Hey, will I finally get a diploma?

QUATLOO
That's enough, guys! Evil Ed! Start
the ceremony!

Evil Ed goes behind the altar table and picks up a
meat cleaver and a carving knife, raising them in the
air above his head.

He mumbles unintelligible words along with the
music.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Is that the Death Cheese Band?

PHELPS
No, they are bad, but not that bad!

EVIL ED
I call upon our Lord Satan to release
The Grim Reaper for to come forth
unto us!

VINNIE BARBARINO
Oh, no. Not that guy again.

QUATLOO
Will you shut it up, Vinnie!

VINNIE BARBARINO
Sure, boss. Mind if I go take a shit?

QUATLOO
Go ahead! Maybe we can get
something done without your
flapping mouth!

Vinnie goes into the rest room.

Evil Ed holds the meat cleaver against Lambkin's
neck.

PHELPS
I don't think I can watch this. I'm a
vegetarian, you know.

Phelps hides his eyes.

Suddenly the music stops.

Grimmy comes through the door and pushes Evil Ed
away from Lambkin.

Behind him, Jesus Ramirez enters.

The crowd makes "oooo's" and "ahhhh's" sounds.

JESUS RAMIREZ
Hi guys. What's up, dudes?

The crowd boos at Jesus.

EVIL ED
No! I was hoping for Satan to come!
Not you!

The crowd backs away from Jesus.

Grimmy protects Lambkin.

GRIM REAPER
This is my child!
(pauses)
Well, I think. Could be. Maybe.

DR. SCHITZ
Lambkin isn't your baby, Grimmy. I
checked my files.
(holds out file)
Lammy was already pregnant when
she died and went to hell, then got
her death sentence reversed and
was brought back to life.

GRIM REAPER
Oh. Are you sure, doc?

DR. SCHITZ
Positive. Read the report yourself.

GRIM REAPER
Oh, guess I was wrong. Well, wonder
about your nurse. Maybe she would
like to have my baby.
(softly to Jesus)
Let's go Jesus Ramirez.

DR. SCHITZ
Better watch what you wish for, you
just might get it!

Grimmy leaves the room.

JESUS RAMIREZ
See you all later!

The crowd hisses and boos as Jesus leaves.

PHELPS
They think that janitor is the Lord.

QUATLOO
Well, that ends that plan. So let's go
on with plan B. Evil Ed, drain the
blood from Lambkin!

PHELPS
Plan B? There's no plan B.

QUATLOO
Shut it up, Phelps!

The band begins playing again as Evil Ed steps back
to the altar table and holds the blades over Lambkin.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 34

34 EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - MORNING

FADE IN.

Henry, Murry, Norvis and Reptile stare at building.

A helicopter takes off from the roof.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh, those naughty guys! They're
getting away!

HASHISH HENRY
That's not our problem now. We have
to get in there and save Lammy from
that machine she is in.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh. Hey, girlfriend, Lammy! We're
coming!

NERVOUS NORVIS
How can we get in that place?
There's bars on the windows and the
door is metal. Ah, those kind of bars
make me so nervous.

Henry grips the doorknob and jerks on it.

RED QUEEN
(computer voice)
The doors have been secured.
Please, give the password.

Henry looks above the door and sees a camera with a
red light.

HASHISH HENRY
Who the hell are you?

RED QUEEN
I am the Red Queen. I am the
security computer.

MURRY MAGDALENE
A talking computer! Do like Captain
Kirk does, and talk riddles to it and
make the girlfriend computer crash!

HASHISH HENRY
Computer. I forgot my password.

RED QUEEN
Give me your email address and if it
matches our data files, then we will
send you your password.

HASHISH HENRY
This isn't going to work.
(looks at pine tree)
I have a better idea.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Yes. Pray for the Lord to come back.

HASHISH HENRY
We could bend that tree trunk back
and let someone sit at the tip, then
when we let go, it will shoot them up
onto the roof like a catapult.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Great idea. But, oh, you silly boy.
Who's going to get shot way way up
there?

HASHISH HENRY
Thanks for volunteering, Murry!

MURRY MAGDALENE
Huh?

The men grab the trunk of the fern or pine tree and
pull its trunk back until the top is near the ground.

Murry hesitantly sits on the trunk.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Oh. Aren't you nervous, my darling? I
sure am!

HASHISH HENRY
Now when you land on the roof, go in
and come down to let us in. Doors
always are unlocked from the inside.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I'll be praying for you.

MURRY MAGDALENE
But you little boys better not be
looking up my skirt!

They let go of the trunk and the tree flips back up,
slinging Murry into the side of the building.

Murry manages to grip the edge of the flat roof with
his fingers and dangles.

HASHISH HENRY
Well, that didn't work very well.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Holy shit! Get him down. That is a
disgusting view!

Norvis looks up at Murry kicking his legs.

NERVOUS NORVIS
What do you mean?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
You can see up his dress, and he has
no panties.

NERVOUS NORVIS
That's strange. Looks sort of funny
up her dress. What is that?

HASHISH HENRY
That's called a penis.

Norvis begins to shake more than ever and falls back
on the ground and wiggles and flops like a fish out of
water.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Dear Lord! We need you more than
ever!

HASHISH HENRY
What else can happen?

An alert siren begins to sound.

RED QUEEN
Alert! Alert! Intruders detected.
Remove yourselves from the
property immediately.

HASHISH HENRY
And if we don't?

RED QUEEN
A gas will be released.

HASHISH HENRY
What kind of gas?

RED QUEEN
A gas that Snewgflo invented. It is a
form of laughing gas that will make
you laugh so hard that you will
eventually fall to the ground and roll,
then pass out.

HASHISH HENRY
A kind of laughing gas?

A HISSING SOUND.

Steam or gas comes from small holes on the wall of
the building.

The men all begin laughing hysterically.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 33

Lammy finally finds her sister, Lula

33 EXT. BEAUTIFUL MEADOW - DAY

Lammy and Gary the Axolotl walk as the wind softly
blows. Several small fairies fly randomly.

LAMMY
It's so beautiful here!

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Nice. But where oh where are we?

Lammy looks all around and shoos away little fairies.

LAMMY
I don't know what this place is. All I
remember is climbing in the
machine.
(holds hands to face)
Oh! This is some alternative
dimension of some kind. We're in
one of Prof. Snewgflo's weird
machines.

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Like, we're in the Twilight Zone?
Like that? Like the Twilight Zone?
Huh?

They see someone far in the distance.

LAMMY
Look! There's someone coming this
way!

GARY THE AXOLOTL
And she looks like a red head, she
has red hair like you!

Lammy stares down at the little salamander.

LAMMY
How do you know I was a red head
before I got this sheep head?

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Well, I looked up while you were
giving me a golden shower. Oh, I
love it! I love a golden shower, yes I
do!

LAMMY
That's embarrassing!

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Nice bare ass. And your red hair is
pretty, very lovely. Yes it is!

LAMMY
Thank you.

They watch as the girl gets closer.

She begins to run with her hands spread out.

GARY THE AXOLOTL
She seems to know you. Yes, she
knows you!

LAMMY
It's my sister! Lula!

Lammy begins to run toward Lula with her arms
spread.

SLOW MOTION AS THEY RUN TOWARD EACH
OTHER.

They hug each other and cry for joy.

LULA
Oh, Lammy!

LAMMY
Lula! I missed you so much!

LULA
It's been a long fuck'n time!

LAMMY
I thought I'd never see you again.

LULA
The bastards stuck my ass in here
over a fuck'n year ago!

LAMMY
I'm so excited!

LULA
So am I. We have a lot of shit to
catch up on!

LAMMY
I'm so excited I have to pee!

LULA
Me, too. I got to piss a river, too!

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Oh boy! I get a double golden
shower! Oh boy oh boy! Two at
once!

LULA
What is that little slimy fucker?

LAMMY
It's just Gary the Axolotl. A
salamander.

LULA
Well, shit! You always liked fuck'n
strange pets!

Lammy shoos little fairies away.

LAMMY
Speaking of strange pets! What are
these?

LULA
Just the fuck'n fairies. You'll get
used to them.

The girls step behind a bush and Gary hops excitedly
along with them.

SOUNDS OF PISSING.

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Weeeeeeeee! Weeeeee!

FADE OUT.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 32

32 INT. DR. SCHITZ LAB - NIGHT

FADE IN.

Vinnie and Snewgflo rush into the lab.

Dr. Schitz and Violent are standing with Kudzu and
Sexxi, now back together.

Kudzu's head is on the body with the police uniform
and Sexxi's head is on Kudzu's body.

OFFICER SEXXI
(points to Vinnie)
Where's my gun? That man is
wanted!

VINNIE BARBARINO
Huh? What's going on here?

FLOWERING KUDZU
(rubs neck)
My neck sure hurts.

DR. SCHITZ
I had to sew your heads back on.

NURSE VIOLENT
But you put the heads on the wrong
bodies!
(laughs)
Want me to chop them off again!

DR. SCHITZ
No. Just take them in the other room
and let them switch clothes. No one
will notice. Turn a bitch on her head,
and they all look alike!

Violent leads the girls into another room.

SNEWGFLO
Guess what, doc! I found Jesus!

DR. SCHITZ
I didn't know he was lost. Besides, I
thought you were a scientist.

VINNIE BARBARINO
And the Grim Reaper was out there!

DR. SCHITZ
Oh, he is looking for Lammy's baby,
Lambkin.

Schitz goes to a file cabinet and pulls a file marked
"Lammy" and examines it.

VINNIE BARBARINO
The baby is at Mr. Quatloo's.

DR. SCHITZ
Um. That reminds me. He wants us
all to go over there for some party,
or ceremony today.

SNEWGFLO
What's he going to do?

DR. SCHITZ
Don't know. Did you get rid of Henry?

Vinnie and Snewgflo look at each other in silence.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Oh. Well. You see. He got away.

SNEWGFLO
There are several nut cases out
there trying to rescue him and that
sheep head bitch.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Where is Lammy now?

DR. SCHITZ
(nods at machine)
She's in that contraption Snewgflo
made.

They all stare at the CAT Scan looking machine that
is roaring.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Can she get out?

SNEWGFLO
Not until we turn it off.
(grins)
And after an hour, she will never be
able to return from an alternative
dimension.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Is that the machine where you put
her sister, Lula, that I kidnapped?

SNEWGFLO
They'll both be gone forever!

DR. SCHITZ
Come on, guys. Let's get to the
helicopter on the roof and head on
over to Quatloo's place.

VINNIE BARBARINO
But what about the guys outside?
They are trying to get in here to
rescue Lammy.

SNEWGFLO
Don't worry about them. We have
plenty of automated security
devices. I invented them myself!

They go out of the door.

Camera focuses on roaring machine.

DISSOLVE TO:

Continue