An Eye Rolling Revelation!...

As many of you know (but many still don't!) I have an announcement to make...

I'm....

Not diabetic! HAHAHA! :)

Okay- so honestly I'm pregnant with my third baby. Yay! ...BUUUUT this definitely will put my weight "LOSS" on hold for awhile... but not stop me from being the healthiest me I can be and make this pregnancy the best I have had yet. This is the fittest I have been pregnant and I intend to stay as active as possible. Now you know why I am in the pelvic floor class, eh? HAHA! Honestly though as soon as I create a plan with my doctor on how to manage my weight and the developing baby I will be able to share it with you.

That said I did find out this morning that I am NOT diabetic. After my car accident my urinalysis registered sugar in my urine and my walk-in doctor was adamant that I had diabetes and needed to be tested immediately. Being the stubborn mule that I am, I passively refused by never showing up. I just never went in. How would I have developed diabetes AFTER losing a lot of weight- but not while I was the heaviest I have ever been? It boggled me and I decided he was full of pooh.

Now don't get me wrong, I do respect doctors greatly and I appreciate their concern for their patients, but since having my daughter I have kind of learned to call their bluffs. Most doctors are soo worried about being held liable or be sued they'd rather scare the living snot out of you even if the indicator is so small and minute. My philosophy? THINK BEFORE SPEAKING. I was JUST in a serious car accident... could it be possible there was sugar in my urine because of stress???

Anyway- so all my ranting aside, when I was at my first OB appointment yesterday they MADE me take this test because heaven forbid I go into this pregnancy blind. (Crazy stubborn Nichole...) And this morning I looked online and guess what- HEALTHY AS AN OX! Nothing unusual about me other than pregnant. And the only reason this is unusual is because we have NO idea how far along I am... was I pregnant before the accident? Or afterward??? According to the records I would have gotten pregnant the day OF the accident- NOT LIKELY... :P So in a week, July 2nd, I find out everything that has been running around confusing me in my brain and I can't wait.

Here's to being healthy and trying to remain that way!!! An d I wish all you luck in your journey's to becoming a better you too!

Pelvic Floor Workouts

Did you know that there is more to working out your pelvic floor? Apparently "kegels" aren't the only way to strengthen all those little muscles down there. I've been going to a pelvic floor class and have been doing more squats than I ever would have thought imaginable. My knees and quads are rock solid! :)

Have you ever thrown up and pee'd yourself? Or how about laughed uncontrollably to only have to run to the bathroom and clean up after yourself?

Well I have done both things and have already seen a huge difference by taking this class.

So here I am telling all of you women (and yes MEN!) that you can fix all those little problems (that having children completely destroys in you) by just engaging in squats and lunges. If you are interested in any of these e-mail me at [email protected] and I will send you the power-point with step by step instructions on how to do specific squats that specifically target pelvic floor muscles.

Because it really isn't normal to pee while jogging... ha!

A Little Bit Sassy...

Through all the drama something wonderfully exciting may be happening to my husband and I. We shall see though. In the meantime I was starting to feel pretty "mommy'ish" and had a friend say I should spice it up a bit. Being a natural blonde I have always played with the idea of going darker... but too nervous it would look too goth. Not really the look I'd like to portray myself. And since I am going to a concert at the end of this month and have done a pretty good job with my exercising decided it was time to... rebel. :)

The picture below was taken exactly a year ago...

This is from two nights ago.

Not only am I darker but also 30+ pounds lighter... :)

This makes me happy!

... And feel a little bit sassy!

Hi. My name is Nichole... and I'm a...

Hi! My name is Nichole and I am a choc-a-holic {slash} mental case {slash} unusually hilarious {slash} drama queen!

I thought I should lay that all out there just in case you hadn't caught on to my personality yet. :)

For real though, what do you think has been helping me survive this INSANE time of my life right now? Unfortunately it has been chocolate. Not just any ol' chocolate bar though. Nope. It's the Godiva chocolate cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. It's the chocolate Butterfinger ice cream bars. It's the new strawberry lemonade slushy at McDonald's. Wait... that's not chocolate is it?

Well you're getting the picture of my new dillema.

I have gone from a very HEALTH conscious working out machine to an injured sugar craving mommy monster.

THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!!!

Physical therapy started last week, as did massage therapy. At first I was so excited about these steps leading up to recovery. I had dreamed of luxurious spa like treatment, nice oily rub downs, easy assisted stretching and light work outs.

WHAT WORLD AM I FROM???

Someone had once told me that physical therapists are commonly referred to as physical terrorists. THIS IS TRUE. Apparently you aren't supposed to baby an injury- in my case an injured neck/ right shoulder/ arm. My entire posture has caved in on itself and I am the female version of Quasimodo. It's pretty attractive if I don't say so myself. My physical terrorist... err therapists don't seem to agree. Instead they stretch,

pull, and tug on my arm trying to get my shoulder blade to work the way it's supposed to. I'm not usually so chipper when this is actually happening. :)

Now to the massages. Long, oily rub downs... THEY ARE NOT! Do you know what a trigger point is? Well, everyone has them in different parts of their bodies and especially in injuries. For those of you who have never heard of a trigger point (this was me before the accident), let me explain briefly. They're "knots" in your muscles and tendons. I don't really know anything more medical then that though.

When you go in for a massage for medical reasons- they are not luxurious. Well, that's a lie. They start out luxurious. The massage therapist works his magic rubbing over your back making you believe you are in the ocean and waves are riding across your back. Then he attacks. He finds ALL of your trigger points and PINCHES them until tears come into your eyes.

Now don't get me wrong. I am supposed to say "mercy" when it gets too tough for me; however I have been told many times I don't have a high pain tolerance so I bite my cheeks and close my eyes as TIGHT as I can with out folding my face in on itself. And if you are curious where my trigger points are let me elaborate: my entire Trapezious (sp?) muscle starting from the bottom of my head down past my shoulder blades and up and over my collar bone. That's my back side. My front side? Yup- I have them there too. Awkward much? lol! Right above my right breast all the way up into my collar bone and then into my right arm pit.

Can you imagine having someone PINCH and SQUISH your muscles right there??? IT HURTS!

But complaining aside, these things have REALLY loosened me up and taken away the whip lash migraines. That alone makes my torture sessions WORTH IT! One of my physical therapists even mentioned that my posture is starting to get better. Phew!

Now I haven't been sitting idly by eating my chocolate ice cream bars and reading book after book {cough}, I have also started going on LONG walks with my children in their strollers again. It feels SO nice. I haven't had ANY weight gain and in fact have been complemented that my face is starting thin out again!

WOOT! WOOT!!

I still go to my Monday night Ab Ninja class and leave feeling very wobbly and sore. I'm very careful with my arm, but as of last Monday actually had enough strength in my arm to do some ab workouts involving a medicine ball.

Because triathlon training has been completely TORN from work out regimen I am going to start training for a 5K. With the help of all those around me I think I can really do this. :) I have to believe that so I can stay optimistic and continue this journey with out too many set backs. The Moses Lake Triathlon is this weekend and my heart is sad that I don't get to compete, but I know that there is a bigger picture out there for me. I just have to wait and see what it is.

I hope all of you have a safe Memorial Day weekend and watch out for those teenage girls with five or ten piercings in their faces- they'll get you when you least expect it! HAHA! {No offense to anyone personally!}

Love Nichole!

Where Did I Go?...

I bet you're wondering what the heck has happened to Ms. Nichole, hmm? Well let me tell you! One HOUR after I mailed in my registration form to participate as a relay during my first Triathlon I got hit head on in my car. (Which we had only had for two months!)

Doesn't life sometimes leave you wondering, " WHAT THE HECK?!!!"

So through many phone calls and lots of stressing out, and yes even some injuries later I got an e-mail stating that my check has been shredded for the triathlon.

So here I am, left to wonder what the heck do I do now? I am so tired of all these CRAZY obstacles that continue to pop up in my road to a happier and healthier life. Not only did we have to FIGHT for them to NOT total out the car, I have to wait for all my injuries to heal. And then there is the frustration of the other party that caused the accident in the first place... but we'll let that one alone for now.

And still, after all my ranting I'm in the same spot. Where do I go from here? I guess time will only tell. At least my beautiful children are okay and my injuries are ones I can live with. Because although I am truly FRUSTRATED with this situation; I KNOW that there is a plan out there for me and that I need to just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Love Nichole

^ Before

v After

I'm going in tomorrow to get my referral's for physical therapy and massage on my right arm and neck. I'm kind of looking forward to that personally... I've had a whip-lash migraine since the accident. Wish me luck!

A Bit... Anticlimactic!

I've been quite the flake master lately when it comes to keeping up with the "Jones'." A lot of it has to do with nothing but griping to report... and who REALLY wants to read about griping? So I've been trying to keep myself busy in other avenues.

I finally figured out why I have been SO sick since November. Ear infections, sinus infections, AND the uber gross eye infections. Well, I'm not a walking festering head of sickness I am happy to report; I am a walking festering head of allergies.

Huh.

Well that feels a bit anticlimactic doesn't it?

I guess normal people just use antihistamines and decongestants when they have allergies to help keep their head dry and not oozing. Not I. I never had allergies... so didn't know how to take care of them.

Seriously though?! How gross is it that I have had nasty fluids sitting in my head continually growing bacteria causing me to practically DIE every other week? Pretty nasty gross! HAHA!

So here I am saying- I have it under control finally. So what am I going to do about it? Well as soon as I sign off here I am going to work on my weekly schedule and work extra hard on my arms. Due to traveling I haven't been able to keep up with my ab routine so I'll work on them today as well.

Here's to this week full of flowers and Clariton- because apparently I am the only person in the World who never had allergies before. I hope you get to enjoy it too!

;) Love Nichole

W-W-W What's Happenin?

Well let me tell you! :) I am SO SO SORE! Ab class on Monday was coming along nicely and I was working up a sweat when out of the blue Dan carries out three blue matts.

"HMMMM" I thought to myself as my stomach clenched into a knot of nervousness. Those of you who know me well know that I don't handle a nervous stomach well at all. I was ready to bolt out the door when in slow motion the word "P.L.A.N.K.S." escaped his lips!

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" I hollered dropping to my knees throwing my hands up into the air.

Why can't we have an easy work out?!

I even stared down an unsuspecting sandbag and did an impression of a Japanese movie dubbed over in English with my lips as I spat out, "We come face to face again my foe..."

Rachel and I thought it was pretty funny...

I don't think anyone else did though, all I got back was weird stares. Hmmm....

So for a minute I had to brace myself in push up position and do the dreaded plank- twice.

Have you heard a grown woman cry? How about an embarrassing howl of pure self inflicted agony? Well... I can honestly say I wasn't only purple in the face because of the pressure. Nope, some of that was embarrassment! But my shame didn't last long! My best friend started to make "VROOM VROOOOOM" noises! I fell flat on my stomach and started to laugh.

Shoot. I guess I didn't quite make it!

I guess next time I'll think twice before making Japanese dubbing jokes in the gym again! I still can barely lift my arms above my head...

Any Takers? ;)

It's official. I am done with my training, and I am a little sad. LOL! I never thought I liked being told what to do- but when it comes to working out... tell me more baby! I really need that push and shove every now and then. :)

On the last day of our work out I was telling Mark how much I loved my legs. I do! They look so great and I can't take any credit. It was all EM! (Experience Momentum gym...) The only downside?

I am completely top heavy now!

Can you guess what I look like right now?

Let me give you a hint. My sister-in-law and I used to call ourselves this while we rode our bikes...

Still no idea?

I look like a walking...

DILLY BAR.

*Anyone willing to cough up another $400.00 for me? I need to get the rest of my body in control! HAHA!

No takers?

OKAY OKAY.

Here's my plan of action (because you all know if I don't have a game plan... nothing happens!)

-meal planning (I fell off the band wagon but have been doing okay with cutting sweets out. I only allow myself a treat every once in awhile.)

-work out daily. (My doctor told me I need to start working out ever day to get my body out of this plateau... HA. We shall see...)

*Monday: Jogging/ Leg workout (for my hip injury)/Abs

*Tuesday: Arm resistance training (free weights)/ half mile swim

*Wednesday: Jogging/ Abs

*Thursday: Leg workout/ half mile swim

*Friday: Arms/Jogging

*Saturday: Leg work out/ Abs

*Sunday: Rest

I will aim hard and report my successes and failures. I'm really looking forward to feeling WHOLE again and not huge. Even though there is "more of me to love" I'm not complete because I am not me. This has been the most difficult struggle I have ever taken on but I know that I can do it... because according to my newest philosophy and everything I have been preaching: I AM BEAUTIFUL.

And so are you!

And yes... I realize how Korney that sounds! ;) Just go with it!

A Little Sad ...

So if you have been following my blog then you know the wonderful health situation my family has been in this Winter season. My daughter recently got over an ear infection, and I two months ago did as well. Well today it was confirmed that once again I have another ear infection along with another sinus infection. To add on top of that my son has an ear infection too. :( Can I say that I have had it with these VIRUS'! HAD IT I TELL YOU!

So here's the scoop on what has been plaguing my mind as of late...

I have been feeling nauseous and extremely fatigued these last two weeks. Every day it seemed to get worst. I'm usually pretty in tune with my body and what is going on. I was SURE that I was pregnant. All the emotions of wondering if I am pregnant or not ran through my mind rampantly. I was excited, nervous, frustrated, and more excited. Is it silly for me to have felt frustrated? I have so much more weight to loose and I really wanted to have the chance at having a healthy normal pregnancy. The thought of gaining all that weight back already was heart breaking to me. But of course the idea of having another little chubby bundle to love and adore completely out weighed the frustrations I felt.

When I was at the doctors office I explained all of my symptoms and illnesses that I have been gifted with and they ordered a pregnancy test. I realized at that moment that I hoped with all hope that I WAS. How disappointing it was to learn that my symptoms were related to these silly infections ravaging my entire head. :(

I guess that gives me more time to lose some weight before I am gifted with another child to love... and I hopefully can take advantage of the second chance allotted to me. But I can't help but wonder what the good Lord has in store for me.

I hope it isn't any more head colds. ;)

Love Nichole

Bruised, Swollen, and a Little Blue

How have you all been fairing this Winter/ Spring season? I have had one cold AFTER another. I kid you not, I have been sick now for three months. Do you know what that does to a person emotionally? It's exhausting. Hence me not keeping up lately as well as I have in the past with this blog. But let me tell you something! Even though I haven't done as well with my blog as I had hoped I would be... I have been doing GREAT in the exercise department. It has been hard but it has been OH SO worth it!

Something I have noticed about myself is that when I work out hard enough to feel as if I have to vomit and get super uber sweaty I CRAVE the work out the next day. It's so weird. The down side is that very next day when I am craving to work out I usually can't even walk to the door! HAHA! Hows that for a double edge sword?

Yesterday I had my training, my last hard work out with Mark, and I was SO exhausted. It was pretty hardcore.

Well- as hardcore as it can get while standing on one leg while trying to balance backwards and forwards WHILE standing on a wedge. I have NO balance and have been complimented on my ballerina-esque gracefulness before. It is quite the spectacle. :) *MAN DOWN* tends to be the phrase used most often when I am around. And not because I fell... but because I fell and completely smothered Mark. HAHA!

Not quite, but close. :)

After my work out I went running with my friend Karena. This is the second time I've gone out and jogged since I hurt myself in basketball months ago. My shins are pretty exhausted. By that I mean done. They have decided to pack it in and just not function today. Luckily I think it's more muscle soreness than shin splints, but it still hurts.

So tonight I go swimming. My bestie Rachel has some drills from our tri coach last summer that we'll work on.

I hope I don't drown! :)

Love Nikki
ps. Isn't that picture just NASTY? Thankfully those are NOT my feet! LOL!

Black and Yellow...

So there's this song out called BLACK AND YELLOW. My sister burned me a cd with a bunch of catchy hip hop and rock songs on it to get my blood boiling for workouts. Let me tell you... as I was driving to my PT session at EM and this song came on, my new mini van must have been bouncing all over the road. I think I worked out harder in the car dancing to this then I ever have at the gym!

haha!

Okay... not really. But I did enjoy this bumping song! I don't care for the colors/ teams but I definitely do enjoy a good song to get me amped for a work out.

That said I was on a stationary bike getting warmed up and my PT Mark walks up behind me and grabs my Ipod. What does he see? Korn and Limp Bizcuit. Oh goodness.

I think perhaps I need to change up my style a little?

Or perhaps take this caged up hidden aggression and start jogging again!

That's right folks... I only have three more sessions and I am feeling A-MAZING! I just might be able to get this body back into shape to start training for a triathlon again. Or.... just training. :) We all know that training and me definitely end in tortoreous pain so I'll take it easy.

I am excited though, to put on more of that BLACK AND YELLOW and hit the pavement again! I will be the oddest looking runner you have ever seen yet!

Love Me!

ps. I just looked up some images to put up with my blog just now... and am NOT impressed with who sings this song. *gag*

Itchy Itchy Eyeballs...

MAN. This has been one of those weeks that could quite possibly test anyone's faith. I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection and pink eye in both eyes. I know. It's pretty darn sexy if you ask me. I look like a rat.

The one positive side? I'm pretty sure my eyes are considered Emerald. The pink makes them stand out more.

Rarr baby rarr!

:) Seriously though yesterday's work out was pretty rough on me. It felt like I was breaking my foot or spraining my ankle. I love that my foot is so messed up that walking normally on it feels WRONG! But honestly the work out really felt amazing!

By the time I left the gym Mark had saran wrapped a big bag of ice to my foot. I had to hop up a hill and 6 stairs just to get to the van.

I'm sure I looked like the poster girl for their business.

Good luck guys!!! :)

A Smelly Quirk...

Working out with Mark over at EM has been incredible. Not only am I feeling better physically, I'm feeling pretty freaking great emotionally too! It has been quite the blessing.

I do however have an embarrassing admission! Everybody has quirks about them that make them unique. I have many quirks but the biggest quirk that seems to be ruling my life right now is smelling good.

Now this doesn't sound as horrible as it actually may be. When I work out I tend to sweat profusely. That doesn't mean I smell like horrible dirty sweat, but it does mean I become uber paranoid that I do! So before every work out in public I slather myself in lotion and use body sprays and good smelling medicated deodorant. Yah, I told you I'm a little crazy.

Well... something happened on Tuesday that may have CURED me of my obsession. Have you ever been in a situation where there are only five people around and someone ELSE passes gas? And YOU know you didn't do it... but what if everyone else thought it WAS you? Well... embarrassing as it was and is to admit this exact thing happened to me.

Mark had me on some stretching cage contraption where he had to climb all over behind me to help manipulate my hips in order to get a good stretch in. And then the forsaken smell hit me. OH GOSH. I started to smirk a little- yes I still act like a grade schooler when someone else farts in public- but then... THEN I realized how bad it looked ON ME! I was the one stretching funky and the smell by now had gotten soo RAUNCHY I had to start breathing out of my mouth to keep from gagging. If I was asked to describe it the only thing I could say is rotten eggs with a little sickness backing it up. HAHA- Oops. I guess I did just describe it.

My apologies!

Anyway, the entire time I was working out desperately trying to not TASTE this horrible stench I was purple faced and paranoid that everyone would think it was me.

And because of the shade of my face, I'm pretty sure everyone thought it was me. So there goes my good smelling re pore. I guess I don't have to shower, slather, spray, and deodorize before every exercise anymore.

Thank goodness!

The Little Voice in my Head...

Like I said in my last post I was going to read through the book, "Just 10 Lbs" and keep a sort of journal as I chug along. I'm a very critical reader (a sorry fault of mine) so don't take what I have to say as gospel (good or bad) because you may miss out on something that could really benefit you! We're all very different people with different experiences and beliefs. This review is just one person's opinion. I hope you take the time to make one for yourself. :)

Reading through the book I have found a lot of solace in several sections that I have read. The author Brad Lamm came up with 10 steps to help the "overeater" overcome and conquer this horrible battle. They include:

1: Live the Love Centered Diet.

2: Start a Moving Meditation.

3: Develop a Daily Practice.

4: Appreciate Your Body.

5: Love Yourself Thin.

6: Maintain Loving Connections.

7. Eliminate Excuses

8. Examine Your Battleground Beliefs

9. Connect with Higher-Source Thinking

and step 10: Pay it Forward.

In the first section you learn, "you are how you eat" and even get to take a test to learn what kind of eater you are. I am the EMOTIONAL eater.

Of course I already knew this.

When you find yourself eating because you are lonely, bored, happy, sad, and/or angry you KNOW that you have a bad relationship with food. It's the facing it head on and breaking free from the mental bondage that is hard. Lamm is adament that repeating healthy and good words of affirmation are important to healing yourself. Surprisingly enough I actually like this.

Yesterday I took the time to practice what I read and sat on my bed for a couple of minutes to just meditate and appreciate the life that I have. I then repeated to myself that "I am beautiful" and other phrases that are more personal to me.

When I was done I looked up into the mirror and actually saw beauty there, and it was peaceful. I haven't felt pretty or beautiful in awhile. The disease is a BIG voice in my head that tells me every day that I am not worth anything. This voice tells me when I do mess up and eat something I shouldn't that I always knew I couldn't do it. That I might as well continue to eat anyway because nothing I do or say will fix me.

THIS VOICE IN MY HEAD IS WRONG.

Something I've learned recently in an interview with my church leader, my Bishop, is that I (and every one of you) are all divine children of Heavenly Father. Of course I've grown up hearing those words every Sunday and Wednesday but never really listened to those words. Heavenly Father made us in his image- therefore I can't be ugly. How can I hate something that our Lord created? And most importantly, that voice in my head? That's satan. That voice in my head is the devil trying to make be believe I am less than what I really am... a daughter of God.

Now when I read in the book that I should take some time every morning to repeat words of affirmation, chant and pray I actually ROLLED my eyes. Can you see me now CHANTING in my bedroom? That just sounds a little- whacko?! Not me AT all. But I continued reading and really can appreciate the wisdom behind it. I will take it upon me to say prayers in the morning asking for help every day, and I will continue to repeat to myself how amazing I am. And soon will walk tall with truth behind my gait instead of the quite hatred I've held in my heart.

I will also promise, however, that you will NOT be hearing me chant any time soon. I just might die falling off the bed convulsing in laughter. :) And that can't be healthy either... haha!

The next section I've started is Appreciate Your Body. I have a lot to learn and I'm excited to have found this book... because for someone who has been on this journey for almost a year- I still have a LONG way to go.

And I hope you take that journey with me.

Love Nichole

A Book...

So I started reading a book. (I know... Crazy that I can read, right?! HAHA!) In this book it talks a lot about over-eating and over coming obstacles. It also talks about how setting a huge weight-loss goal can actually hinder your success. I have to admit that I was REALLY skeptical at first until the author started talking about his struggle with binging and purging.

SMACK.

I was immediately absorbed. I have this fascination with eating disorders and have even written a small thesis on two of them, annorexia and bulimia. I, however, never delved into the world of over-eating because I never thought this could be me. In fact when I was writing my thesis I was already fully absorbed in my new world of agony. I didn't even know it yet. I thought I was just better. I was eating... and that was good, yes? NOPE. It was just my "disease" taking a new route because I had mentally road blocked any other way for my issues to express themselves.

So when I read about this author's struggle very similar to mine I became more interested in what he had to say. I mean, he has obviously kicked his "habit" and is even famous for being an inspirational interventionist. That has to count for something, doesn't it?

I think I will take upon myself a new venture that may help me along this healing lifestyle change. If you are interested in joining me the book is called Just 10 Lbs. by Brad Lamm. I have a friend who was on the VIEW recently because she is working hand in hand with Brad fighting this battle herself. Even if I don't agree or like parts of the book I will still learn something... so here I go! :)

I will (of course) leave blog/ journal entries as I move along through the book. Hopefully some of the "issues" I have had with self-image and food can help someone else out there... because as hard as it is to believe this...

WE. ARE. ALL. BEAUTIFUL.

And we deserve to live our lives knowing as much.

To Walk the Walk...

My physical therapy/ personal training session was simply- amazing. It has been a year (or multiple years rather) since I've been able to leave a work out walking tall. Normally I have a limp because my left hip is throbbing and burning in all the wrong ways. Monday was a completely different story!

I'm so excited to have finally found someone that actually took the time to "listen" to my words and understand my language. When I went to the GroupHealth clinic two weeks ago the physical therapist raised her voice to me and refused to understand what I was explaining. She took our short hour and chastised me for not taking care of this sooner instead of trying to find out WHY I refused to come in. And when she did examine my hip, she jerked it and caused more pain then when I had walked in with. I couldn't walk to for almost two days.

Have you ever experienced something that ached and hurt so much you almost feel as if you are falling into a pit of despair? I was close to heading in that direction. Now I have felt serious depression before after I had my daughter. It was a dark and very lonely time for me. Knowing I was getting back to that horrible state of being scared me. Having met with the Physical Terrorist (wonderful word choice Dan!) pushed me even closer to that pit of misery. But meeting with Mark- a very professional yet HYSTERICAL person turned me around in just one session. Like I said before- amazing.

First things first, he had me take my shoes and socks off and walk back and forth across the gym several times. While I was doing so he got down on the ground and watched my entire motion. When I walked back the fourth time he got up and told me his prognosis. Apparently I walk incorrectly with my left foot. Instead of using my big toe and allowing my arch to fall when I "land" I walk on the outer edge of my foot. This, in turn, has caused my entire left leg to shift and adapt to this way of walking. My muscles and hip joint a have all changed to support the way I turn my leg out. Think of it as a partial duck walk. Who would have known that this could cause so much pain long term?

Well long awesome story short he went through many stretches with me. He even got up close and personal a few times as he manually turned my thigh in the direction it is supposed to turn as I did several stretches... and it didn't hurt! I was so shocked! Well... I'm not going to lie- I think I was shocked most of the time, especially when he entered my "personal" space. HAHAHA! I remember thinking to myself that I was glad Josh wasn't watching! ;)

So now I have another 9 sessions and I am feeling hopefull for the first time since I've started this blog that my hip will finally feel GOOD! I do have an old hip injury-pulled hip flexor and Mark thinks adductor as well... but it's not the end all anymore!

Thank you all for your support! :) And don't be a stubborn fool as I have. If you hurt, get it fixed. It may be something simple, but you won't ever know if you don't try. :)

A Few Firsts...

The other day I bought my first offical fancy pair of running shoes. They are the ASIS Gel-Kayano's almost exactly like the ones in the picture here- except pink, black, and white on the top side. I love them.

I am however EXTREMELY annoyed about something I JUST found out. I spent $140.00 on the shoes and bought inserts for my high archs hoping that would help with my shin splints... leaving my bill at $200.00. I know. I know. WHO PAYS THAT??? Well, apparently only me. I just looked online to find this picture and found them on SALE for $87.00. WHAT THE WHO!?! I think I feel more then a little robbed...

But alas- that's not what I was going to write about. I was going to write about how excited I am to finally have some nice shoes. I'm hoping that they will help with my hip, leg, and shins. GEESH. I'm really falling apart on myself, aren't I?

But no worries! I'm happily terrified to announce that I will be starting a completely new regimine beginning tomorrow at 8:45 am. I am scared to death. haha! I will be working with a personal trainer that has experience, and knowledge in hip injuries. He also works under a physical therapist so I feel that I am in great hands. I mean, the last physical therapist I saw two weeks ago left me lame for two days afterward. What can be worse then that?

So tomorrow- on Valentines day... I just might die. But that's okay because I will die in a sweaty oblivion wearing brand new pink shoes. Not a whole lot more I can beg for if you ask me. :)

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! :)

ps. I have to add that I have been saving up for these shoes for awhile. My husband and I talked about it with some professionals trying to find the right "fit" for me. It kind of seems like a frivolous buy when we are saving for a home... but getting me up and moving again has to be a priority as well. :)

You can also find the site for the great deals here. I selected pink and put in my shoe size of 10.5- which is hard to find. Good luck!!!

It's Time...

Sitting down she has to wipe at her chin with the back of her hand. Slobbering like a dog begging for food she slowly opens the white box. Groaning from both pleasure and guilt she stares at what lies before her.

Chocolate.

Chocolate Donuts.

She tosses the box down to the ground and pulls at her hair, trying to control the change that is starting to overcome her body. Finally giving in she throws herself on top of the strewn morsels and begins to tear into the meat of the dirty little temptations.

"MOMMY..." asks her tiny son with eyes as round as the moon. "What are you doing?"

She sits up and cleans up her face trying to muster enough strength to respond with out scaring her little boy.

"Mommy is just... playing?..."

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Have you noticed I haven't written a blog in over a week now? Well if you haven't, I sure have! I've noticed it every single day as that day has passed. Why? Because I'm struggling. Sitting down and facing my issues on here is a little overwhelming. But if I don't record how I feel now then not only am I not being honest with you, but I am not being honest with myself.

Last Thursday I had the amazing cream puff. It was so good and so rich I only ate the one, and even had a hard time holding it down. It was pretty rich, and after not eating sugar for two weeks I had quite the sugar rush.

Unfortunately for me that sugar rush started some type of feeding frenzy. That night I wanted another. No I didn't go and buy more, but the next day I gave in and had some cookies. The day after that Josh and I had fast food. Monday I had a doctors appointement and decided I deserved a treat. Oh- did I forget that Sunday was superbowl? Actually... I did really well on SuperBowl Sunday because we spent it with Rachel's family. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and now today. Every single day I had one or a couple chocolate donuts.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME????

Well, today is a new day and I have not had any sugar today. I decided since It's still morning time and while I'm still golden I better make another pledge for myself. I have a really hard time when I don't achieve my own personal goals, so I know if I do this now I will have a better chance of keeping to it. I pledge that today and tomorrow I will not have any sugar. Monday (Valentines Day) I will allow myself one dessert. My husband already has a special date planned out for us and I think that as long as I keep myself with in reason I should be able to control myself enough to enjoy one treat. Then starting Tuesday the 15th I will not have sugar for 14 days.

I know I have a problem controlling my caloric intake. I am also discouraged because of my injuries. So this is the time I need to be on top of my eating. If I let it all go down the toilet now I will have gained nothing and learned zip from this entire journey. I know I can do this... because I have to do it. There is no if's, what's, or but's about it. I HAVE to do this now. My clock is ticking and my heart needs me to become the best and healthiest I can be NOW. I may not ever get another chance and what is Josh supposed to say to my children if I do have an early heart attack or be diagnosed with heart disease? It just isn't the life I would like for my children.

So here is me making another promise to myself for myself and for my children. Because I may have hard days and I might be disappointed I can't achieve some goals, but it does not mean I get to sabotage everything else I have worked so hard for.

I hope you can learn from my mistakes and we can take this journey together because not only will I need your support, but I learn from your experiences as well.

Here's to us- because who really wants to be called a crack addict? lol! ;)

Love Nikki

ps. Above story is NOT a true representation of what happens between me and chocolate. I promise!!! HAHA!

Dragging My Feet... Err, Hip?

So I realize now that I have not kept everyone updated on if I was able to keep my goal of no sweets for 14 days.

Sadly... I can not DISSAPPOINT you!

I did make it and it was AMAZING! And totally worth it too! :) Especially since my ENTIRE family ate those silly little pink and white frosted animal cookies in front of me all weekend. Those are one of my sinful little pleasures. But alas- I refrained!

Tomorrow Rachel and I are going to the wonderful Asian market to get ourselves some yummy cream puffs! :P

On the other hand I have some sad news as well. It looks like my hip injury is a lot worse then I ever thought, or anticipated. The biggest problem is that it will be a slow recovery for it. I wrote a blog here about a fall I took in July that really hurt me and apparently must have done some damage. Why did I continue to work myself hard afterward? I guess I felt I had to prove my macho-ism and strength to myself. I had to KNOW that I could still accomplish my goal and need to become healthy and fit.

Well. You reap your rewards, don't you.

So now my regimine will have to be altered to just plain' ol walking in water. UGH. This will be a challenge for me because I YEARN to swim. However at this point that would be counter productive. Now I know I need to peppy and optimistic about this... and honestly it might be kind of a nice break... but it also makes me sad. I feel like I let myself down by not allowing myself to heal LAST year. Now I may not be able to run the race in May.

I will however stop dwelling on that. As it was pointed out to me, I will still burn a lot of calories with the water resistance, right?! I will also start retraining my body's posture, and the outer muscles in my hips/ thighs. I haven't been equalizing my work outs and am now... weak? in certain muscle groups.

Who knows... this can all turn out to be a great "new year"/ "new me" problem solving challenge, right? I will come out stronger physically and emotionally if I don't allow this to bog me down. And plus-I do look forward to not having this constant companion of pain with me every day. That, my friends, will be heavenly!

BECAUSE WE ARE NOT ONLY BEAUTIFUL .. BUT STRONG TOO! :)

Curses!...

Curse this wretched feeling of guilt! I'm going to hold true to my original goal. 14 days of no sugar.

*Great Scott! This is going to be a rough weekend.

Want Some Sugar...Sugar!?

Today is day... 11!!! of no sugar. Whew, and what a struggle it has been! I've noticed that I tend to crave my treats in the evening. I'm not sure if it's related to boredom or habit but it is quite the struggle. When I wake up in the morning I feel refreshed though, and that is what makes this worth it for me.

Now I'm coming up on a dilemma. Josh and our family are driving the four hours to visit my family. It's tax season you see... and who else to get help from then from your parents! My dad is an accountant for the government so he helps us file every year. The dilemma I'm coming across is that my mom is an AMAZING German cook! My mouth is watering right now just imagining some of her didily-scrumptious meals right now. German pancakes- warm my soul. Apfle Kuchen- break my heart. Deutsch pastries- shatter my entire being. THIS IS GOING TO BE A STRUGGLE.

So, I need some advice. I called Rachel and talked it over with her a little bit. She's the one who has been holding me accountable for my end of the contract and I felt I at least owed her a phone call. If my mom makes me a treat, or makes my most favorite meal in the World I can't be expected to turn it down, right?

Well... the truth is I called my mom and told her about my "deal" and she understands. Rachel also said that the point of the contract was to help me get my crazy addiction under control... which I admit has worked for now. It's a struggle that I will fight my entire life and as long as I know I can control it then I'm in-charge. She said that it's okay if I have a treat- as in ONE treat this weekend and I'll be fine. The reward for waiting 14 days with out sugar would be decadent cream puffs at the Asian market. If I have something this weekend, then I have to wait another week before I get my uber yummy cream puffs. And then I'm allowed one treat every week.

What do you think? Should I hold out until Tuesday and have the cream puffs... or enjoy this weekend and worry about it in another week?

Who would have ever thought I'd be having an inner battle over german pancakes? Huh.

AND THE WINNER IS!...

The wonderful winner of the "BROKEN NICHOLE" contest is... Shin splints. Also a pulled calf muscle. Oh- AND?! Yes, there is more. A pulled left hip flexor.

Great Scott. You'd think I jumped off a bridge or something.

The remedy thus far fallows as such:

No running or any hard workouts for several weeks
Lots of ice and IB Profein
Mucho amount of stretching...
and the most dreaded? Three weeks of physical therapy.

If I'm not "better" by then then I go in for an MRI on my hip.

But let us not be discouraged. I still have every intention of fullfilling each and every one of my goals. It just may take a little longer to get down that road- a little hobbling... some grunting... and a lot of "feel sorry for me's" and I will make it.

Here's to finally knowing! ... :)

A Pain in my Shin...

Remember how several posts and a week and a half ago I fell playing basketball? I hurt my groin and in turn had some rubber band action with my right calf/ tendons? Well I think this may have either brought an underlying issue to a head (shin splints), or I really pulled something in there.

*ARGH!!!*

Could this really have happened when I have so much of myself riding on the hope I can compete in my first triathlon in May?

Okay- I'm probably being a tad dramatic right now, especially since I still have about 4 months left but soft tissue injuries are a BEAR to heal. I also need to train hard as often as I can from now until then. I'm a big girl with a need for some serious endurance training. Will two months be enough to make me comfortable enough to swim, bike, and run for three (or more) hours? I sure hope so.

They say nothing holds someone back more then themselves. Well, I may have held myself back unintentionally.

Now I need to stay optimistic and hope this problem will clear up on its own. If I can't do a triathlon until the middle of the season then fine. That will have to be enough to suffice my need for this. The most important point about going down this competitive road is to help me get fit and lose weight. I will succeed. :/ I hope. ;)

Now to more exciting news... today is day 7 of no sugar! The last day of my first week! Yay me! I lost 1 pound and feel super great. I've been sitting at 237 for MONTHS and finally can jump (or limp) for joy at seeing 236.

It's been a rough one... but my leg and I? We'll get through it... together.

xoxo Nikki!

ps. I'm going in to see the doctor today at 4 pm. We shall see what the prognosis is! :)

The Infamous Purse ...

Do you know what "purse" I am referring to? Well let me give you a hint. It's not the bag us young ladies enjoy carrying all of our change and receipts in. It's something a little more... disturbing.

Some may even know it by the name- apron.

Have you figured it out?

Yes? No?... It is the infamous nasty saggy belly that all postpartum mothers get after giving birth to their miracles. It is the stretched out flabby stomach that every person experiences after they lose a ton of weight. It is something that should ALWAYS stay hidden. haha! :)

Today I had an experience with my lose skin/ purse. It was a mortifying moment in my life this morning that left me flushed with shame and shaky with humiliation. While playing basketball my pants fell part way down... and out... came... the... PURSE!!!

I was running down the court to my offensive position as a post. Panting for air and trying to make sure I get there quickly I dodged #30 from the opposing team. As I got to the key I slowed down and just as I was turning around, while lifting my hands in the air I felt a ... breeze.

Oh no.

Only someone who has lost their pants before knows how that feels and it is not a pleasant or happy moment.

Panicked I lowered my arms quickly and grabbed for my pants just as I noticed my shirt was up a bit as well.

"WHAT AM I? NAKED???" I frantically thought to myself as I hucked my pants up to my chin. Re-adjusting my jersey I began to shake and looked around like a trapped dog searching for a way out.

No one is looking.

By now both teams are up in the key jumping around like a group of teenagers dancing in a mosh pit. The ball seems to be bouncing up and down in the air like a beach ball at graduation. I forget my misery and with a grunt jump up to catch a rebound.

Now... there are two points that I'd like everyone to take home today from this story.

1.) I was mortified and wanted to crawl out of the gym and die. But! I didn't. I moved on.
2.) When I got home I went STRAIGHT to the bathroom and lifted my shirt to exam my nasty belly. What did everyone get a nice good look at today?

And pleasantly surprised I noticed this... MY SKIN HAS FINALLY TIGHTENED UP.

How have I not noticed this before?

No longer does my belly hang over my pelvis. No longer can I grab hand fulls of it and pretend to think it's funny when inside I'm sobbing in disgust.

Now don't get me wrong- I have a LONG way to go before I want anyone to see this belly, and even then it'll remain a mystery for all those around me. I still have a lot of toning to do, and my skin has lots of room for improvement in the un-stretching department but I SEE and FEEL a difference.

WHAT I'M DOING IS FINALLY WORKING!!!

My body is morphing into a body that I can recognize under the fat and skin. :) This gives me the motivation to keep going, and the inspiration to let you all know that YOU CAN DO IT TOO.

LOVE NIKKI!!!!
ps. Today is day 5 of NO sugar!- AND! The picture is one of embarrassment... not tears. ;)

Twitching...

Today was the first complete day of NO SUGAR for me... and I have to tell you that I AM TWITCHING. Seriously though I am ready to fly off the handle. I feel as if I'm starving. Is that wierd or what? I have the worst case of the munchies (sugar deprivation induced) and can not get chocolate cookies out of my mind.

This is hell. Just saying.

I have never eaten so many clementines in my life.

My aunt mentioned I need to find a new outlet for me to put all my stressed energy into. Yes! I really really do. I think though, that perhaps writing is that for me. I've been working on sewing my very first home-sewn pajama bottoms and that helped yesterday.

Today though? NOTHING IS HELPING. I went on a three hour walk earlier today to suck up some Vitamin "D" and that helped get my mind off of food at the time. Now that I'm home, and my hips are uber sore... I just want me some comfort food.

Don't worry though. I won't cave in to these horrible human responses. Why? Because I'm not human. I am amazing. :) HAHA! Really though, it's because I want this feeling to BE GONE.

I want to be free of this food induced prison.

Hopefully tomorrow will be ... different. Hopefully I won't be "twitchy". ;)

Love Nichole

The Signed Contract...

So I know many people are working hard at their new year "resolutions" and most have decided to be done with sugar. I congratulate all of you who have found that it is harder than it appears, yet still have kept at it.

Today my best friend made me sign a contract. Now this isn't an every day kind of contract. It isn't even a "no sugar" contract. It's more of a way to hold me accountable for all the binge eating I appear to have been doing since December.

I'm not sure how in depth I've gotten about some of my problems associated with food. I know I have mentioned that I have gone from one extreme to the other- not eating to binging and purging... to just plain binging. But have I ever gone through the emotional inner battle I face daily when I look at a package of cookies? Or perhaps the guilt and horror I feel after I've finished said cookies?

Probably not.

Why? Because those little things are what make an eating disorder as destructive as they are. I do not handle stress well at all. I never have. I have a problem with control, and as it so appears this control manifests itself with food. If I feel like my life is thrown into chaos, you'd better believe the cookies, m&m's, and chocolate are all pulled out of the cupboards. Actually- lets be completely honest here. I never have those things at home because if I do I can't control myself. I eat them... all. So if I'm upset, what do you think I do?

Yup. I go to the store. Pretty disgusting, huh?

But you see, that's one of the other struggles I have that makes this monster of a disorder such a bear. I FIND MYSELF DISGUSTING. Or the binge eating disgusting, rather. So it's time. It's time I face my monster in the mirror. It's time I quit this sugar craving and make myself the woman I yearn to be.

And with that- it starts today. Today I signed the contract. No sugar, sweets, or any unnecessary foods in my diet for two weeks. And to ensure I'm able to complete this task, and not feel isolated or alone in this habit breaking venture Rachel has signed one too.

I need to control my eating. I need to control my "natural man" and be a mother to my children. How horrified I would be if my daughter saw me behaving this way and began imitating me. I have to do it now.

Wish me luck as you work towards your goals as well. Know that many of you have inspired me to do this myself. Yes I worked hard last year. Yes I've done something I have never done before by losing weight. Now I have to do something even harder- kick the habit.

Lets kick it together.

Come and See...

I'm excited to announce I've been added to a blog archival page. :) Come check out my "description"! :)

http://www.addyourblog.com/health/Isn-t-She-Beautiful-l2241.html

Love Nichole

What a Pain...

Have you ever done the splits involuntarily? Well, luckily neither have I. Until Thursday night that is.

Holy Grand Toreno.

I think I pulled my groin. :(

Thursday night was just another regular mommy basketball night. Lots of sweating, a little bit of aggression, and several injuries. It was a blast. At one point I went up for a rebound the same time another mommy from the other team did. Fire works emitted in every direction. It was beautiful.

Not really. It was a mess to tell you the truth. I landed with my right leg fully extended frontwards and my left leg behind me. My right shoe was slick and I lost my footing. I can honestly tell you how a rubber band feels after you shoot it across the room.

Not so good.

My right leg extended so fast that I actually felt the tendon in my groin snap back jerking my entire leg.

OWIE!!!!

Little rubber band men... I vow never to shoot you at unsuspecting victims again. There should be laws against anything snapping back so violently. Actually, I'm sure there are. Probably why several days later I'm still limping like a gimp.

On a brighter note however, the cardio was amazing! Interval training (which has been put on hold for now) and playing basketball has done wonders for my own self image. When I look in the mirror I can actually visualize and perhaps even see a slight change in my torso.

Perhaps I'm starting to sculpt my body.

Perhaps I'm on my way!! :)

Perhaps we should all party!

Love Nichole
ps. My friend Rachel is typing up a no sweets for two weeks contract for me. I've been having a hard time controlling my sugar intake for awhile. I'll fill you in on that another time.

A Bat out of Hell...

Whoa! Have you ever stopped to think about the differences between plain'ol jogging and running sprints? No? Neither have I! Apparently there is a BIG difference. Trust me. I now know.

I was told Monday night that I need to start focussing on building up my endurance for my first Triathlon in May. "How am I to do that?" I asked curiously.

Running Sprints.

Huh.

Then it was explained that I should start out walking for 60 seconds and then run RUN run as fast as I can for 20 seconds. And start over.

Easy right?

WRONG!

Last night I had intentions of doing this for 30 minutes. It's funny how my idea's change as time goes on or I get intimidated by something. My intentions quickly changed to running every other telephone pole as hard and fast as I can and walk the others.

In the dark.

I swear I had people slow down as they were driving wondering why the heck I'm running like a bat out of hell. Was there someone chasing me? Was I running from the law? And then I freaked myself out when I saw a huge stick coming up in front of me.

"WHAT IF I HIT THAT RUNNING AS FAST AS I AM???"

Yah- that would have wiped me out and probably taken my entire face with it. When I do anything I give it my all. Falls included.

So... I'd like you to guess how long my 30 minute venture turned out to actually be.

15 minutes.

I COULDN"T EVEN MAKE 30!!! I was so exhausted that I fell into the door trying to control the urge to vomit. My lungs burned and my abs were on fire. My butt and legs however never felt better!

IT WAS AMAZING!!!

You can bet your chocolate covered mints that I will be out doing that again today... and hopefully for the 30 minutes! My inspiration? If you don't remember... it's this photo of Hilary Swank. I felt incredible and even though I may not look as fit as she does here, I felt like I was. It felt incredible.

Here's the link explaining the reasoning behind interval training- aka sprints.

New Year- New Game Plan!

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone! And happy new waistline... Or err, not so happy? HAHA! I guess it's safe for me to say that I worked really hard last year to end it with a bang. A bang of chocolate, bratwurst and of course, the infamous flu. Yup. It was that much fun for me, but enough of this last year garbage. It's time for THIS YEARS celebrations!

I am so pumped and rejuvenated about this next year. I can't even contain myself. Literally. While I'm sitting here typing this up in the wee hours of the night, my legs are bouncing all over the place. I'm feeling pretty positive about what I have accomplished last year and what I'm aiming for this year.

Last year in a typed up nut shell:

Something I never owned up to on here until now is that I ended 2009 weighing 280+ pounds. I know. I shiver at the sight of that number myself. Probably why I never put my true starting weight on here to begin with. In April I weighed 269, and today I'm sitting at 237- I think. HAHA!

So yah, it's a gradual weight loss but it's one that I'm uber proud of. I hated myself for how large I had gotten but instead of whining about like I had for years, I decided to make last year different. I decided to change my life. And I have. I feel amazing! :)

This years tentative goals:

Basketball season has started again! Yay! Play 2x a week.

I played for the first time in five years last night. I am sore in places I haven't been sore in for months. For someone who has been working out hard and training for a triathlon all summer this is a lot to say. I think this is the change up I really need right now.

AB class 1x a week.

Triathlon Training starting... NOW!

4 Triathlons scheduled for this summer. As they get closer I'll let you in on what races they are. I do have each race already marked on my calendar but for safety reasons would rather not tell Jo Bob with 6 months in advance where I'll be on what day. ;) (See... I pretend to be smart every once in awhile! hehe!) My first ever will be in May.

INSANITY 2x a week

Resistance Training 2x a week

Scheduled meal plans starting last week.

Shopping with bestie and dicing up the veggies together starting tomorrow.

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I guess we'll see how well that goes. My next actual weight loss goal is to lose another 30 lbs. by June. Then I'll be a hottie with a naughty... attitude. HAHA! :)

If you guys have any suggestions, comments, or even stories I would love LOVE to hear them. Remember I would also love to share someone's personal self-image problems for others to read as well. There are all types of emotional struggles, and the best way to deal with them is to get them out in the open. One person to another. :)

And remember... as you are making your new year resolutions and struggling to button those new favorite jeans that even if you never get down to that next pant size, it really doesn't matter. Because to me, to our loved ones, and to our Heavenly Father... We Are All Beautiful.

Love Nichole
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