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Monday, August 30, 2010

I think it breaks my heart when....

The truth is before me and i choose to live in denial and that I know i'm not
Able to give back as much as i want to and i am what my worst nightmare
in reality.
i tried doing alot of things to amend what has happened which i can't change
but somehow, i can never amend whatever damages that has been done inside my heart. i'm like a empty shell walking aimlessly on earth.
i had to tell myself to get up on my feet and that takes time, learning to
trust people all over again, to get hold of a dream, to set things right, to choose my friends wisely. This time round without God. without church. i'm all alone.

I could never be who i was in church, that vanessa is gone. she died.
Before i stepped out and work ,and when i'm still an on fire christian my biggest and greatest fear was that one day i'll stop coming to church eventually.
Soon enough it all came to past.
i could no longer relate to anyone in church, something just felt so indifferent.
And theres nothing wrong with the church, it's me.
I've been blessed by so many great people around but i can see that i'm pushing them further away from me, i felt dirty, ashamed and undeserved.

But then again, its amazing pple manage to stand up and still be who
they want to be. don't they feel dirty? ashamed or undeserved?
(i hope at some point they do)
though i may have forgiven you but i'm human after all. i'm still learning to forget.
you're my best friend, i've seen it all and true enough i'm happy for you.
happy with the life you're leading, but i will still want you to know that people should
not be abused. you need to tell them the truth. don't keep your love ones in the dark.

something happened
something changed me
somebody ripped my heart and throw it away.

If you find my heart, please return it back to me.
If you find my trust, please give it back to me.
If you find me. Give me a vision.

I've gotta chase after 2 goals now, they are not even considered dreams.
Just goals.
I've given my heart/soul/time/hardwork just to make
sure i've made an extra effort to make things happen, to attain those goals.
I know i'm not a good child, forgive me for not obeying you, for being disobedient and have brought shame to you. i do not feel your love or loved but i'm just making myself believe that You do exist and that You actually hear my prayers. i really believe You exist but maybe You're not real enough for me.

I love my God, Jesus Christ very much
but i'm not sure if He knows it.
I hope He does even though i'm extremely insignificant.

Has it ever occur to you that there's a God somewhere watching everything you're doing?created you in the first place and that your ancestor didn't
evolved from some monkey?
That is something to think about. (:

Good night.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Harlo world!
I'm back from taipei!!!
So how was the trip you may ask...

Errrr, i think it's one of those that you just go all out to eat and shop like there's
no tomorrow? seriously that's all i did besides sleeping.
I walk so much in taipei it felt as if we can clock in a genius world record, every travelling journey you can find me sleeping cause it's damn tiring!
think i would have ko-ed in less then 10sec when i touched my bed and that happened
EVERY NIGHT!!!!!
worst thing that could ever happen when i'm overseas?

Migraine attack.
On my 2nd night i had one of the worst migraine, it was headache in the day
and then it transformed to migraine and awhole lot of nausea attacks.
Even with my medication it just didn't work at all.
I had to force myself not to vomit because it'll only make the condition worsen.
It came to a point that there's nothing much i can do except lying on the bed and pray. I recalled that i prayed, and then the next thing i know its in the morning alrdy.
The God i know is faithful and He's my tower of refuge.

You know, there will always come one of those days that you need
That smell of sea breeze, the sound of water rushing against the rocks and
The eye shutting moment of just soaking into everything at the beach.

That's therapy to me man.
My mind gets so clear whenever i do all that.

School's gonna start next monday!! I'm excited yet feeling alittle stress at the same time, haven't been touching books for quite abit, but with hard work and diligence my exam script should look pretty awesome~ haha!

Next week's gonna be a challenging week, but boy!
i'm so freaking excited to conquer it!

Mon- School
Tues-working at smu
Wed-working at smu, sch at night, chilling out with gfs after sch. (i'm crazy)
Thurs-working at smu
Fri-working at smu, wheelock epic, then to school
sat-working at Pc show, ek's 21st party!
sun-working full day at Pc show

Exciting OR WHAT?!!!! :D

RML!!!
Rock My Life! \m/

Friday, August 20, 2010

yooo hoooooo~

Im blogging at our very own changi air port with the free internet access via their coms.
somehow things looks better on a big screen, can't wait to ge my very own (iMAC) !!!!!!!

Time check: 9.35am
My plane is suppose to depart sg at 7am! but it totally got delayed
Guess jet star is famous for delaying departures....
This time round they said it was due to some technical problem... blah blah blah...
Thank God that there's STARBUCKS here!
bought my fav drink, hopefully it'll keep me awake throughout my day!!! :)

In the making of transforming into one zombie lah, for the past 48hrs i only slept less then
5hrs? ohhhhhhhhh, the pimples and water retention.......

:(
OKAY! i'm done here.
Miss me people in SG! because i will miss all of you.
Gonna come out with my gift list, hopefully i don't miss out anyone's!
so excited to do some REAL shopping, eat some authentic foodies.....
i'm left with 3 mins to surf for free....
3
2
1
BYE!!!!!!

with truck loads of love!
Vann(:

I have 1/half hours before i prepare to leave my place
cannot fall aslp! and i'm FREAKING tired.

Eventful day i had, very tiring. only slept 3hrs the day before
and i feel HORRIBLE!!!

let me rant here why is it so.
1. pimple will start popping out of no where from my face and that SUCKS alot.
2.i can feel alot of water retention going on everywhere! face, body....
3.i'm starting to have eye bags. ( if u knw me long enough i nv had eye bags no matter hw little hrs of rest i had):
4.i can feel my organs! like my heart pumping extra hard bcos i didn't allow my body to REST. poor heart. don't die on me!

ok. i'm done ranting.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Helllo!

I'm VERY HAPPY TODAY!
and i don't know why... hemmmm, perhaps dreaming that my vision and thinking that it will come to past gets me high on cloud 9!!

Finally i feel that this time round it felt right
kinda like a fighter plane READY to fly off!
yeah, i'm gonna send my application in the next few days. "Hopefully" i'll get through.
i want to believe that i can do it even though i'm not the prettiest
But i can still be who i want to be.

Could almost feel like i'm cutting off all the strings and weight holding me down
for the whole week, i think with this decision made i can be who i want to be and still
support the family. i cannot wait to give my parents money monthly.
The thought of being able to give is mad k, it's like yes!i'm able to give, and give back to church.

Nevertheless, i know without God it will never happen.
Now is the time, fly.
Looking forward to my journey.
update soon!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I seriously don't know what the hell is wrong with me man, I'm like pushing everyone away? Seriously, everyone. Especially guys. i'm not les but im just allergic to guys i think. Please forgive me if i've said nasty words to anyone of you.
And i'm starting to think if i've made some really foolish decisions?
kinda like throwing a huge stone on ur feet eventhough you know it's gonna hurt real bad but still do it anyway??????

yes! i totally did it today.
throwing a stone on my own feet! tranishing my destiny. like totally! i'm a geanius man. we'll see what happens on sat. i've got no clue. it better be a bad one so i feel better. seriously, someone had ripped my heart away. i'm sucha heartless freak.

I really don't think i'm in the right mind to speak.
Guess i'm only normal when i'm busy at work, like those everyday work like mad and super stressful problem solving jobs is my kinda thing.
Just give me all the above and i'll be normal. very normal.

Work is play, play is at work.

FYI> This is not an "emo" entry. and i'm NOT emo!
i'm just ranting when i don't know how to say them out in words to a human.
easy?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Guess when i eat, i feel alot better.
Complusive eating or you can call it emotional food

i ate. . ..
one maggie mee at 1pm
half pack of seaweed chips
3 pieces of seaweed
half cup of powerberries juice
pepper lunch( every grain of rice>>>cleared)

then i went toilet to L* ( HAHA!)
continue,
small fries from bk
percy pigs gummy(half pack gone)
barley drink
fish ball noodle
another barley drink
some chocolate cheese prata
teh oh.

yup, it's alot of food going on in there ya?
i think i'm about to die anytime soon with the rate that i'm eating.
FYI, i don't eat like this every other day. maybe it's just... i also don't know how to put them to words. i asked myself this today.

Must we be feeling something everyday?
like being emo over something that happened in the past ect (the most common one)
emotional needs i'm talking about of course. haha, i think i've got a really
masculine heart. sometimes i feel super "man". Or maybe you can say i'm just not so emotional. i don't emo over things that i know i shouldn't.
wish i could be as persistent in love as at work lah! i would be super successful, but super hard to work with if i'm like that. don't think people will like me or the way i work if i am as persistent and stubborn. wha haha....

I didn't lived a drama love life, i don't know much about relationships...
This is funny but yet so true...
The only thing i look fw to having a bf is that he will send me right to my doorstep at night so i can feel safe and be safe! nowadays i feel so creepy going home alone late at night. Always wished that i have an elder bro who can take care of me but obviously that's nv gna happen lah! so yes, bf pls eventually come into my picture in the coming yrs!

But for now! ima be a strong girl! but on the phone with bff.
Thank God that i've got someone to talk to when i'm walking home(:

Confession.....
Was never the popular one
Was never the prettiest one
Was never the most lovable one
Was never the one who gets the most attention
Was never the one guys go crazy for
Was never the one pampered
Was never the one who got lovely surprises.
Was never the one who speaks eloquently
Was never the one who do well academically( i will eventually)
Was never the one born with silver spoon in my mouth
Was never the one people talk about all the time
Was never the one playing with people's feeling.

But i've learnt to be who i am, and accept who i was and is to be.
I'm who i am, i'm unique, i have a great family who loves me, spiritual family
standing by me, great friends i can count on.

To me, that is good enough(:
Most importantly, my God loves me.

The future is yet written, let's make history.
i love my life!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I've got a whole lotsa thoughts going on inside my head and it's all good.
that's good.

It's NATIONAL DAY!!!!
totally miss participating in ndp! if given a chance i wanna play a part in it AGAIN!(:
went out with the girls earlier, had dinner and caught fireworks before our movie.
Although firework is not really my thing, I've grown to like it over the years after much influence from people ard me, momsy loves to watch fireworks...
she really loves it. linda goes gaga over fireworks as well. so with these 2 pple ard me whom i'm with almost everyday it's quite hard not to like fireworks uh!

But my first love is still FIGHTER PLANES and PARADES!!!!
(There's a man inside of me)
MUA HAHAHAHA :D yes, i love fighter planes! i think they look really cool, super powerful and all. parades is just so nice~ i dunno why. perhaps because i used to come from one... that's y.

when 14, i used to tell myself that i want to sign on in ARMY!
can you believe it? And the main reason is because i can loose weight and
play with guns and fighter planes!!!
(No man will want me when they read this section on my blog entry) hahaha!

whatever.... it's all really weird stuff going on inside this brain of mine.
im those who likes power ranger and not barbie dolls. \m/

oh yes, i left my notebook in church! arrgghhh...
my note book is pretty much like my life... it says what my thoughts are, what i have to do over the week, sermon notes, meeting notes, my sketches and blah blah blah!
I HAVE TO FIND IT BACK!!!!
and you know what's the best part? i didn't write my name on it!!!
How smart right? Guessed i assume i'll nv lost it.
Please let me find it tomorrow!

I have been thinking over the week what am i going to do with my life for the next 2yrs. School is going to start in sep and it'll take 6mths before i complete this Adv dip course! so excited to be schooling again, maybe that's when i feel i'm using my brain. =p

Upon graduating from this course i have 2 routes to choose from...
1. Continue my Air stewards plan( This will take up at least 3-5yrs of my life!!) :(
And in the mean time while waiting for 2011's recruitment to come i'll find myself another more stable part time job! i need $! who doesnt! hahaha

2.Get myself a job at marina sands
(Business strategy team or HR or *Headhunting firm)
Sound easy, but damn hard in the industries.
i think this one requires more hard work and 100% committment!
for sure i won't have time for anything in my life. i can guarantee that.
but with this plan i can continue my degree program in spore! And If i'm lucky enough, the company might even sponsor me! wouldn't that be cool?!

i'm just so excited about life!
so excited to know what the future holds.
I've got no time for relationship, at least not now.
Reason being?>>> it's gna be a big distraction.
haha, ima be a loner when all my friends are busy dating
which i'm totally cool bout it.

when looking at the fireworks today, i tell myself that next year i want to look back at my life and say I've outgrown myself so much! and i'll be 22 then!!!!
big year ahead for me!

it's gonna be MEGA!
nothing is gonna hold me back, i'm ready to take off.
just like a fighter plane(:

Friday, August 6, 2010

The most vulnerable day of the year.

6 August.

Very sad with a swollen fist.
im going to sleep now so i will feel better when i'm awake.
i don't want to die yet and it takes much more courage to jump off that window.

Monday, August 2, 2010

The dream room in my dream house would be really white.
If not it'll be really dark, it's my dream to marry my best friend and
I will wake up everyday on the right side of the bed then look outside my window,
Take a deep breath and say to myself. I'm such a lucky girl.

I will thank him for loving me unconditionally
I will thank him for leading me on for the rest of my life
I will thank him for being the man of the house, the leader of the home
And the man of my life.

The future is going to be amazing.

Though this is a dream, i want to believe that one day it'll be my reality.
Be big, dream big.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Complex behaviour of undisplayed emotions.
It's been a hard day. undisplayed on the outside but screaming on the inside.

OKAY, CHANGE TOPIC!
The party is in afew hours time, i'm hemmmmm......
Not excited at all?

I planned all this shit, prepared so long for it, spend a fortune on it.
And this was the result i got.
Then i wanted to get angry, and blame somebody...
But who to blame? just can't put myself to blame anyone...
THEN HOW?
blame myself lor.. Did so much, orh be lah...
I so deserve it.

I'm just not important enough isn't it?
:'(
ahhhgrrrhhh!
It'll be pretty tml!! rock that party \m/
CHEER UP TTM!
xD

okay! ima go n sleep already.
with the ulcer, i should just name the ulcer lah! it's been with me for DAYssssss