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Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Just because. . . Just because I don't have to wake up at 6am everyday doesn't mean I don't know how you feel dragging yourself out of bed for work. Just because i'm not working, but i'm still AS TIRED. Can you believe it??? maybe a different kind of tired, we have a messed up bio clock to thank for actually. Just because I haven't been in any relationship for more than 3 months doesn't mean the pain you felt for someone leaving you after 5years is lesser than mine. Just because I don't speak alot about my love life doesn't mean i'm gay. Just because people think i'm gay as i'm single, it is not going to make me find a boyfriend to get attached with to prove you wrong. Just because i'm single, doesn't mean that i've lost hope for love. Just because i've left my previous job quite suddenly like it may seem to many people doesn't mean it was a rash decision, i hope does occur to certain people that some people just want to keep things low and don't see why he/she needs to announce to the whole world about her decision of leaving and possibly taking up to a 3 month hiatus because he/she wants to.(It was a bold decision) Just because i don't go to church anymore, doesn't mean i don't love God and value Him as much in my life. Just because i'm no longer a disciple, doesn't mean i'm not thankful, grateful for all that my spiritual parents had done for me as a youth. Just because i don't talk to anyone much about my issues doesn't mean i don't have issues, everyone has their way of handling issues in life, it's just not my style to confide with a person first hand. I like to have my own space, and i feel that confiding in someone makes me dependable and very much vulnerable :( Just because i don't talk to "you" doesn't mean i don't think about you. Just because i think i'm "pms-ing"this entry very much sound like i care about how people look/judge the way i live my life. Come on, let's be honest! In every " I DGAF what other people say/think" there's a tiny bit of "actually i do care" so yea, this is just a fair bit of "actually i do care" haha Thursday, August 22, 2013
Four more months to 2014! Now that is making me really nervous, i set out to be all on fire at the beginning of 2013 and was so determine to make a change so big that on the last day of 2013 i'd look back and be glad. 2012 was a year of heartaches and struggling in deep waters, i don't know where i was heading, i didn't quite have a plan but really just floating/drifting around and trying to keep myself alive. 2013 started with a blast, i was doing well at work and emotionally stable enough to know what i want but come 2nd half of the year i decided to make a bold move even though it seems like the most unwise thing to do but i just had to. 2 months down right where we are now, i've turned a year older and my mom too today! i can't help but to sit in front of my computer and literally be swallowed by this panic attack! i don't know about you, but it's this fear inside of me not living life to the fullest? has anyone ever felt like that before? "the fear of not living life to the fullest?" when i was younger, i vividly remember on the last day of the year my heart was filled with gratitude and excitement for what's coming ahead. Maybe it's because we're grown ups now, we don't have another school year to look forward to, or perhaps our priorities are different now that we're all working adults. But i don't believe that this should ever shortchange that spark inside of us, the ability to be hopeful and the fire to chase after our dreams. i asked myself this "what is your dream?" "what is the one thing you would regret if you don't seize it when the opportunity arises?" Perhaps these are the questions we need to ask ourselves, don't wait till it's too late. even though it's always nice to hear people say "it's never too late"? i mean how frustrating? we're so kuo shi xin fei. haha! I want to travel the world, and i believe so it is for many others like me if it's your dream too, don't give up just yet because if it's your dream, you wouldn't give up that easily. 4 more months. Monday, August 19, 2013
Oh yes I love heels....
but if i ever get married, i'd rather wear Toms to walk down the aisle!
Every girl dreams about their wedding, ok...maybe not every but you get what i mean
even though i'm not attached, i still dream of what it'll be like on my big day.....
I could tell you exactly what i want for my wedding decor or what kind of dress I'd like to fit in
if you have time to hear me out, it's crazy isn't it?
Surly it doesn't hurt or cost to dream alittle further into the future. . .
Love the sound of the word "future" it carries such a great feeling of hope.
every time i catch a new movie it adds a little hope within me, the good vibe that
cheers you on even if the steps were little. No matter what movie it is, it works wonders to me.
almost like therapy. but of course, not horror movies that is.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
silly.
don't be silly.
chin up! you're much better than this.
sleeping used to be a great escape from reality
now, all i get are the left overs of insomnia.
i promise to never give up on my life, be better than this.
God knows we're worth it
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Nothing is more lonely than loving someone who doesn't love you back you made me embrace loneliness, but you also taught me how to be strong. it's been 2 months! somebody needs to hire me before i become rusty and dusty like statues Maybe the right opportunity hasn't knock on my door! but i can't give up just yet!! DEAR NEW JOB! i need you to come sooner than you plan to! please! please! please! oh well, perhaps the flu meds are kicking in, this is the drowsy me talking. I always wonder how it feels like to be taken care of when you're sick what does it feel like to have someone by your bed when you're bed ridden to have prepared you a hot beverage, or bring you some soup to warm you up or just snuggle beside you, kissing your forehead, whispering sweet nothings to you. but then again, I'm thankful that i've been brought up the way my parents did. They taught me to be strong, independent and know what is "good enough" perhaps when someone is finally doing all that i've mentioned above, it'll seem all awkwardly and uncomfortable. haha... just four more months to making 2013 count, you know how they said alot of things can happen in a short period of time? It's not too late to make a difference yet. Saturday, August 10, 2013
You wait for a silence I wait for a word Lying next to your frame Girl unobserved You change your position You're changing me Casting these shadows Where they shouldn't be We're interrupted By the heat of the sun Trying to prevent What's already begun You're just a body I can smell your skin And when I feel it You're wearing thin But I've got a plan Why don't you be the artist And make me out of clay? Why don't you be the writer Decide the words I say? Cause I'd rather pretend I'll still be there at the end Only it's too hard to ask Won't you try to help me? Sat on your sofa It's all broken springs This isn't the place for Those violin strings I try out a smile And I aim it at you You must have missed it You always do Friday, August 9, 2013
There are somedays in our lives we just kinda wish it doesn't come to an end today was mine. Firstly I was looking forward to meet up with 2 of my close girlfriends for dinner then i got to find out it was my belated birthday celebration at a surprise location It was such a beautiful place and i absolutely love the ambiance but was totally shock that at such location i'd be able to find serenity, then i was presented a bouquet of flowers! beams oh my, which girl doesn't love flowers? I was so touched and we started taking lots of photos while waiting for our food to arrive, soon after dinner we chatted for a bit and they got a cake for me! by this time, i wasn't expecting any thing more but they presented me with a gift! Now, i'm shocked because i thought the flowers were my gift already!! Aftermath we continued chatting and though i was engrossed at talking i suddenly notice some super bright flash lights? like the ones from camera and i was thinking, whoa! must be the group of folks sitting behind me who might be taking photos or something... then the flashes didn't stop at one time? but MANY more flashes followed after?? and i'm talking about the ones like paparazzi flashing lights? i turn around wanting to check out what exactly was happening and it was him!! (started screaming) because i wasn't expecting him to join us at all? (and i had the urge to jump out of my seat and hug him, but I didn't : / ) Now they totally caught me off guard and this must be the most successful surprise ever. I was WA-ing him throughout the dinner and he was practically doing the white lie thing! puff! so many surprise in one night, almost cannot take it. hahahah Soon, i got to find out that he actually initiated to join us and had asked one of my girlfriend for more information about tonight. Even though he had a pack day, yet he still make time to come down and join us? for that alone, i'm really touched. But since he left earlier than us i decided to drop him a text to tell him how much i appreciate him? Only to receive a reply that i nearly threw my phone at the wall... which i shall not mention the content because it doesn't matter any way. i replied "ok." you're pretty screwed if i reply you "ok." haha NONETHELESS I'm just super thankful and grateful to my girlfriends for taking time to plan for tonight's dinner, from buying the gift to the flowers, cake and the endless surprise for the whole night. And of course i'm still touched that he came down for me even though he could have just say that it's troublesome and not come but his effort of asking really changed my perspective of him. Sometimes, i think to myself what have i done to deserve so many good friends in my life? God's blessing in my life never ends. Thank you for everything You've done. I'm truly blessed. Lastly, happy 48th birthday Singapore! Thursday, August 8, 2013
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength
while loving someone deeply gives you courage" -Lao Tzu
I took a trip alone to the beach at night on 6th aug it was a cold and soon after i got myself a cup of hot drink it started raining quite heavily thus i didn't get to walk near enough to hear the crashing waves and had to seek shelter at the bus stop nearby.
Perhaps many would think i'm crazy to head to the beach alone, especially at night?
but this is just who i am. "If i need to do something, i'd do it even if it's of all inconvenient to me"
It's therapeutic? and i'm sure many would identify what i've just said.
The smell of the sea, the sound of crashing wave and the wind that blows through your hair/face...
sometimes that is all i need. even if it means being alone.
this yr he was the first and the last to wish me on my birthday
but i'm not sure if i'm the only one or perhaps he does that to everyone else he's close to.
somedays when he feels like talking to me we'll talk all day and just about anything under the sun but there are also days we don't talk at all because he doesn't feel like talking to me.
In his words,"do you know that i can miss you one minute and another minute i don't want to talk to you at all?" "sometimes i feel like i can only be with is someone as broken as me? so they won't hate me if i go missing because they're like that too".
arrgghh...
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing There's someone in this crazy world for me. The way that people come and go through temporary lives, My chance could come and I might never know. I used to say, "No promises, let's keep it simple", But freedom only helps you say goodbye. It took awhile for me to learn that nothing comes for free. The price I've paid is high enough for me. I know I need to be in love, I know I've wasted too much time. I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world, And fool enough to think that's what I'll find. So here I am with pockets full of good intentions, But none of them will comfort me tonight. I'm wide awake at 4 AM without a friend in sight. Hanging on a hoop, but I'm alright. Happy birthday wild one, Thank you mommy for carrying me in you for 10 months Thank you God for creating me. Have a blessed week everyone, to those working the long weekend is just one day away! sending all my love out to you guys! Hugs. Sunday, August 4, 2013
Draining, drained. For a guy whose feelings for you comes and goes and still talks to you because he doesn't want to lose you. For a guy who thinks you're just a typical girl For a guy who said people called him a jerk for all he's done and mistaken for For a guy who said everyone leaves in the end yes, that is true. people leave because you're never going to be there for them friends stick close enough to you because they care about you Yet, i'm the replaceable one when someone else better than me comes along in your life. I am completely drained. Tell me my expectation is high. it isn't. If only i could stop meeting the wrong guys, THAT'LL BE GREAT. |
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