If you would still happen to read this post five years down the road - the date now is 24 August 2013, I sincerely hope to find you in the pink of health and enjoying everything that you are doing now, whether it is your life or your career. Five years is a long time for a person to change, and for many things to develop in ways you would not have envisioned. But nonetheless, I truly hope that you are pretty much unchanged from what you are now - who I am today.

So what prompted me to write this letter into the future, meant for your eyes and mine when I know of nothing that could happen in the future? To be honest, I could simply put it down to a simple case of feeling insecure and lost in the greater scheme of things, not knowing what to expect right now, because things are sadly not happening for me. You see, at this point of time, I have graduated, not with the best of grades as you would know, and looking for an opening that would suit where my interest lies. But sadly, nothing is forthcoming and I am feeling a little perplexed and nervous, and I hope that by writing to you into the future, I could set for myself certain visions or goals that could perhaps illuminate my path forward, and I do sincerely hope that when you read back this simple letter at your time, you could confidently check off the boxes one by one.

So, what do I envision you to be in five years time? As I have said, I am looking for something that would allow me to work with my passion and interest, and not simply be a slave to the economy of money and selling my soul just to join in this merry-go-round. I truly hope that you are working in an arts-related field, where you are working to improve of influence the arts scene in Singapore in some way, preferably in a government-related organization and position, however minute it might be. That would be the best case scenario. Because at this moment, this is what I really want. Or at least something that pertains to my interest in languages or reading/writing. If you find yourself not in these fields five years on, fret not. I'm not here to say that you have lost yourself. If you have stuck by from who you are right now, then you have not changed, and neither did I. But if you haven't, perhaps you should think back if whatever you are doing now is truly what you want and enjoy, that you are taking pleasure from your day-to-day work and that you are, as I have said, not a slave to the money economy. If you are, then please get out of the system and re-evaluate yourself. Take a journey into something you enjoy doing.

But of course, we do live in a way dominated by materialism after all, and I figure in certain aspects I'm no different. Five years fighting in the working world, making the cents count and making sure everything goes, at the very least, decently. Judging by current circumstances, the family car would have hit the ten-year mark in another two years time (2015), so hopefully you are able to pay for a car (both for self and for family) by then and have done so for at least three years (meaning you continually had a car to drive around). On top of that, I sincerely hope you have realized your belated graduation trip at the very least, need not be anywhere fanciful, but to tell yourself that you did not lose out to your fellow peers but was merely slower. By 2018, the parents would also be at the high age of sixty-five and sixty-three. Hopefully you have them well-covered medically if needed, and being able to send them onto trips. But before that, please do remember that you still owe a grand total of $21,996 (tuition loan) and $4,000 to them (as of now). So please do pay them back by them, otherwise I am sorely disappointed in you (and me). And of course, you have Chloe to look after as well. Don't you ever forget this niece of yours, ever, because she is a joy of life that shouldn't be held back due to circumstances. Things might not be pretty now, but promise me that you will always look out for her.

After saying so much, maybe all I had truly wanted to achieve is this. Remembering who I am at the age of twenty-five now, having just completed university and staring at the uncertainty of life. So what have you done in the four years in university? If you still remember, you were in the main committee in your first year, coupled with being involved in a dance concert, and dealing with the mess of your previous relationship (it was messy, trust me); moved on to heading the committee in your second year, still dealing with the mess of your previous relationship, and awkwardly liking a girl that you ended up pretty much doing a lot of stupid things (these are on hindsight); and then deciding that it would be cool to head an orientation camp in your third year but ending up being the most hated person in the school because of reasons that you are able to fathom and many others that you are not able to, and awkwardly liking another girl that I hope would still be the same or your wife by 2018; and just spending the fourth year trying to make it through without having your blood drained by those haters. That pretty much sums up your university life. Do you still remember? How you feel the vile hatred for the people whom you believed you were working with/for and how they stabbed you in the end, but still you had to swallow it because you just didn't want to blow matters up? I hope you have put these things down by now, as I am doing so now gradually. Don't let hatred blind your way, and don't let these people make you lose yourself, you know who you are, and continue being so.

At the end of the day, you still have your friends with you, the very people who have pretty much seen you through everything. Hopefully at 2018 you can still bull crap with them, hang out with them, and nothing changes. Hang on to friends, because such friends are hard to find. 

You know. after typing so much, I am thinking, is there truly a point to this? The twenty-five years old me and the thirty years old me would definitely be different, so how can I judge myself based on an 'expired' model. But no matter, I truly hope you would be happy, because I think I really need to know that you would be.

Thanks for hearing me out, you know, you probably saved my life and yours tonight.

Much love,

Myself

If the meaning of (my) life is one destined to upend what little stability and sanity I have, then I must say she's done a terrific job over the past month or so. Or maybe it was just me trying to wander in all over again and wreck havoc which, on hindsight, is indeed rather accurate. But, whichever it is, I've found myself with a want for answers to questions that I wouldn't dare to even begin to ask, let alone truly anticipating the truth behind.

至：那曾经在我脑海里不肯离去的 K

闭上眼睛忍住呼吸，

暂时要和世界脱离，

就快要学会不再想你，

却听见不停跳动的心。

我允许了你，

让爱的自由还给你；

我允许了自己，

承受这悲伤到天明。

我不愿放弃却要故意默默允许，

总是以为终究化作云淡风轻，

爱你到底，痛了自己。

我不愿放弃却要故意默默允许，

我答应自己爱你的心绝口不提，

所有结局在这夜里都已成形，

爱到了底，痛的是我的真心。