Stumbling Blocks

So...Life's been...I think that is an adequate statement for the time being. Life is just been. Work is hectic and sometimes I find myself day dreaming about playing horrible dirty tricks on some of my coworkers. I saw a thing on tumblr the other day. It said "Just to have fun, I will replace the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn and wait for the screams." I really did consider that. But...I am pretty sure it wouldn't get the ones that deserve it and I'd give someone a heart attack. Then...I would feel really bad. Stupid conscience...gets in the way sometimes lol.

Then...there is the raging hormonal demon from the lowest depths of hell that is my daughter. No...really, she isn't THAT bad...she's probably from one of the upper levels of hell lol. Pre-teen and hormonal, it's never a great combination. Throw that on top of my own PMS, it could be dangerous in my house at times. I love the kid, she's the best thing in my life. But I will just say there are moments when I look at her and think "This is exactly how child abuse happens." But! She is still breathing, is fed on time and has been getting plenty of sunlight so I would say I am doing pretty good. I am just ready for school to start back up though. She's driving me nuts lol.

Then...there is the dating/love life/search for a Daddy to call my own. Still pretty non-existent. Not for lack of trying mind you. I have tried looking. Honestly...I have come across a lot of...well...for lack of a better term, TRASH. The whole "For every 20 or 30 Doms you come across, only 1 will be worth a damn" thing, it is absolutely correct. You have these guys out there shouting their status from the roof tops, those are pretty easy to spot. But there are these soft spoken, quiet ones. I will refer to them as Gollums because I've come to see they are no better than little hobbit like creatures that have spent way too much time in a cave, worshiping their "Precious" (aka penis and fantasies) to be of much use to anyone else. They are sneaky (and yes, I totally typed sneaksy and had to edit it...I'm a nerd, I know) and they come in all soft, gentle and very good with words. They give the pretense that they just want to be friends. Then, after a while...they tell you they really like you. You ignore it at first, but they seem to be there...a lot. They come off as caring, will even call you great things like "Beautiful". You start to like them and even decide what the hell and tell them how you feel and BLAM! Brick wall. No warning, no breaks, no nothing. Yea, I met one like that...we don't talk so much anymore. It's more like he texts when he has nothing better to do, I answer when I feel like it and it's generally short. But, just another reason you really need to be cautious. And a perfect example of people who decide they like kink, want rough sex but have NO clue what a dom is, what a sub is or what the D/s lifestyle is about. Don't go making profiles on places like Fetlife or Collar Me or any of the other alternative lifestyle websites unless you've at least learned to read. Go to back to Match or Cupid.com and leave the adults alone. This "buttholes who call themselves Doms" seem to be a reoccurring theme.

Sounds mean I am sure, but I just have found...I'm me, I will be honest...if you do not like it, then move on to the next bus stop...this is NOT your corner. It's mine and I'm working it thanks. But, I am ok really. I am doing well on my own. Despite work and the kiddo driving me...I am staying upright. Yea...I still have moments when really all I want to do is sit in a corner and pout because of one of those stumbling blocks. But, I got the big girl panties on right now...so I am all good *cheeky grin* There's a Daddy out there for me and one day I'll find him.For now...I'm enjoying the space of just being myself without supervision. That could be a little dangerous hehehe...

40 Questions...

40 Question Meme...

 This seems to be going around so here we go....

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror this morning, what was the first thing you thought? I have got to stop doing head spins in my sleep

2. How much cash do you have on you?  I dunno, not a whole lot. I rarely carry cash

 3. Name a word that rhymes with door?  More

 

 4. Name your favorite planet?  Uranus...LOL, sorry could not help it. My inner 13 yr old was itching

 

 5. Do you own more than 100 Cd’s?  Does digital copies count?

 

 6. Have you ever finished a bag of popcorn and ate the junk from the bottom? Never finished a bag of popcorn

 

7. What kind of top are you wearing?  A dress

 

8. Have you ever labeled yourself?  Sure, I call myself a b*tch daily

 

9. Name the brand of shoes you are currently wearing? No shoes

 

10.Bright or dark room? Dark

 

11.Have you ever been pooped on from the sky?  No, but I did see it happen once to an ex-boyfriend and man was it funny

 

12.What does your watch look like?  I normally don't wear one

 

13.What were you doing at midnight last night?  Laying in bed, wishing sleep would set in

 

14.Have you ever dated someone a decade older than you?  Close, the ex-hubby was 8 yrs older

 

15.Have you ever listened to a song and cried? Sadly, yes

 

16.Who last told you he/she loved you? Ding, my daughter

 

17.What was the last furry thing you touched? My kitty...get your mind out of the gutter, the one with 4 legs :P

 

18.How many drugs have you taken within the last three days? 1, try having a pinched nerve

 

19.Favorite age so far? 30, it's when I finally started to feel comfortable in my own skin

  

20.Have you ever had a secret crush on a teacher?  Survey, you apparently did NOT see any of my teachers...yuck

 

21.What was the last thing you said to someone? "Get you're butt to bed and do NOT make me come in there!" Yes...the daughter was stalling

 

22.Have you ever been found sleep walking?  Not that I am aware of

 

23.What was the last song you sang? Kiss Me by ed Sheeran...loving that song

 

24.What’s your favorite number? 13...shhh survey, it's my lucky number

 

25.Where did you live in 1987? Right outside of New Orleans, LA

 

26.What do you do when the vending machines eats your money? While it's been a while since I've used one, I would still probably kick it

 

27.Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed? Are you hitting on me Survey? If it's french, then no because that seems a little creepy to me but a regular peck yea I do.

 

28.What was the last song you heard? All This Time by Maria Mena

 

29.If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?  Swedish, I am actually learning it

 

30.Have you ever seen a ghost? Yes

 

31.When was the last time you ever wrote a letter to someone and mailed it? I honestly don't remember

 

32.Can you change the oil in a car? Yes, my dad was a mechanic and his rule for me getting my driver's license was I had to be able to take apart an engine and put it back together. He didn't have any sons so he had to put that on someone and I won the lotto there lol

 

33.How far back do you know about your ancestry?  On my mom's side...I only know back to my great grandparents who were adopted from orphanages is sicily and Lingayen, Philippines but on my father's side I know pretty far back, he is into geneology

34.When showering do you start the water and then get it, or get in and then start the water? Turn on, make sure the water is warm, get in....always, I am OCD like that

 

35.Have you ever crashed a car? Does someone else plowing into me count?

 

36.Does every family have a crazy relative? Uh...YES, sometimes more than one

 

37.Have you ever sent or made a prank call? Absolutely, favorite pass time as a teen

 

38.How old do you look? Well, not sure but I do still get carded regularly for alcohol and to get in bars so that makes me feel good

 

39.Should guys wear pink?  Some actually look really good in pink...especially a pink dress shirt under a nice suit with a tie...sorry...started day dreaming there lol

 

40.Have you ever done anything for which you could be arrested?  You can't prove it, you'll never catch me Survey...but yes, had the stop sign up until a few years ago lol

 

But, now you know a little more about me :)

Fantasy vs. Reality

With so much available to us now...blogs, tumblr, google...it is very easy to "fall in love" with the idea of D/s or, for me, the DD/lg lifestyle. On any of those sources, you can find beautiful pictures, poetry and stories about how absolutely beautiful it can be. You will come across pictures that show the most loving of scenes between a Daddy and his little girl. Stories and testimonies that tell, in the most intimate of detail, about the safety, comfort, love and acceptance found in the solace of a Dom's arms. Wonderful GIFs that express the utter joy that comes from being owned, being taken. Images and words fuel the mind. They give us fantasies, glimpses into our most ultimate desires. They can often erase or ease past hurts, make us forget, cover the reality that is outside our doors.

But, what about that reality? The reality in all of those things...the pictures, the stories, the testimonies, is that before any of those moments can be made real, we have to accept the truth. A D/s relationship, no matter the dynamic, is first and foremost just that...a Relationship. It has the same pitfalls, hurdles and mountains to climb as a normal "vanilla" relationship. Work, home life that can sometimes include children, the outside world constantly butting in, Car repairs, house work, illness, pet problems...that list could go on for an eternity, you get the jist there I would think. But to muddy the waters even more, throw in the more complex responsibilities that come with a D/s relationship. Rules and guidelines that are often outside the norm, the demands and responsibilities that come with both submission and domination. It can sometimes be a seriously rocky road or slippery slope.

Do not get me wrong, I am confessed tumblr addict. I love the blogs I follow. I am and always have been a sponge when it comes to learning or reading more when it comes to this lifestyle. I love all the "rainbow" pictures and "glass slipper" posts, they exemplify the desires I have in a relationship...the ultimate peace that I do know can only be found with a good Dominant to guide me. But, I am also ever-mindful of the reality in things. It is not a cake walk. It is not easy. It will not always been sunshine and happiness. There will be stumbles. I will disappoint at times, so will he. I won't always get my way, neither will he. There will be times when I don't quite feel "up" to being a sub just as there will times when he may feel like taking a breather from guiding me or picking me up off the ground. That is just the way life goes. For a lack of better terms, shit happens and it happens often. If the relationship is indeed reality based and not based on a fantasy, the hard moments will pass and the rainbows will come out again.

A Dom I follow on tumblr could not have said it any better. So, I would like to share his wisdom with you here. 

Don't call him Daddy

Okay, so I have to get on the soap box for a few and just rant. Here lately I've noticed something that has just...absolutely driven me crazy. It is the sheer number of submissives that think it is okay to just go around calling every Dominant male "Daddy" or "Master"...whether they know them or not. Tumblr seems to be the worst. It literally irkes me to no end. Especially those that will address a Dominant and they comment as "Anonymous"!!

The first thing that comes to mind when I see this is "attention whore" but then I realize maybe I am just being over-senstive or just letting my anger speak. When I sit back and just let it simmer, I realize it is just as bad as those "Doms" out there that message you online and after one conversation, insist you call him Master. I believe it to be a combination of different things. Sure, for some of them out there...it literally is all about the attention. Then there are those who are still regretfully under-educated. And then, you have those who just do not have or have not gained enough respect and confidence for not only themselves, but for the person they are addressing.

Whether it's the "Daddy Everyone" subs or the "Call me MASTER" Doms", it is really just disrespectful. As a sub, when I see other subs calling everyone Daddy or Master, it not only comes off as rude towards the Dominant she or he is addressing, but it is an embarrassment as well. It does not come off as cute or being polite. If you've never talked to this person before, you don't have an on-going relationship and you haven't given your submission...then do NOT address them as "Daddy" or "Master". Period, end of story. In all truth, you do not even need to address them as Sir unless it happens to be part of their "Scene" or "Screen" name.

No, I am not referring to general manners. Being raised in my family, using "Yes Sir" "No Sir" "Yes Ma'am" and "No Ma'am" is just a way of life, a habit. I even use that when addressing my daughter. I am speaking of "titles" only. Calling someone "Daddy," "Master" or "Sir" are titles I feel need to be earned. They are special and reserved for the one you've chosen to submit to, not any and every Joe you come across. A good Dominant wouldn't want you addressing him as such if he doesn't have a relationship with you and hasn't accepted your submission.

Moral of the story...If he hasn't accepted you as his baby girl, DON'T call him Daddy.

Had to share

After my post last night, I came across this. This is the way I want my partner to see me.

Return of the Jedi...I mean M

Sorry, I've been letting my inner geek out a little too much lately hehe. But, the statement is true. A little while ago, after a year of moving on (which was hard to do I might add lol), M contacted me out of the blue. It's been nice talking to the friend I lost in him, but I will have to admit it's been confusing, hard, a hot mess...whatever title you can imagine, put it there.

Let me be the first to say, muscle memory is REAL. The heart being the muscle that it is...it doesn't forget. That is where the confusing and hard part come in. Talking to him, there are moments that it is easy to remember how I came to love him and why I submitted. Sure, I am even strong enough to admit that I even got butterflies in my stomach a time or two. But with the space I was given on my side, I do see things a lot clearer than I had back then.

Looking back, much to my own dismay and shame, I realized that I had completely lost who I was in him. Yes, I get it...that's what we submissives do. But, I mean lost myself as in losing my own identity and neglecting common sense. In my drive to please, I forgot to listen to reason and allowed manipulation do the leading. I neglected standing up for myself when I should've. I ignored reason and allowed my all consuming love blind me to the mistakes, the sadness and lack of leadership, guidance, nurturing and firmness. I forgot my own needs in an effort to try and fill his. No, I am not bashing him nor do I regret. He taught me a lot in the end and I did end up a better person for it...

He is the one that led me to the discovery of ultimately what I want and need in, not just a Dominant, but also a partner. It's because of him, that I learned to trust myself and my own instincts more. It's because of him that I am a stronger, more confident person. He gave me the fuel that ignited the fire and like a phoenix, I have risen from the ashes brighter and more beautiful. You cannot really ask for more than that, no matter how it came to be.

I am ok with admitting that I do still love him, despite the way things ended. I just now know I need someone who won't ask or push me to lose myself, but helps who I am build into something better. I am willing to go to the ends of the earth for someone I love, but they have to be willing to do the same...and prove it. Anyone can say "I love you...follow me" but true love, a true leader will lead by example...by actions. (Yes, giving a pull on the leash works too lol but you know what I mean.)

Difference between Healthy Domination and Abusive Control

In TTWD, the idea of control and domination can so easily be misused and quite honestly, misunderstood. When you start off, you begin looking up information, searching out others of like mind. No matter submissive or dominant, you come across a basic understanding that the submissive gives up "control" to the Dominant. When you look at just the surface of the dynamic, we do. But, when you dig and get dirty, you come to see that is such a "vanilla" way to put it.

As a submissive or dominant, we commit to an Exchange of power, will...an equal exchange of service. The Dominant agrees to take on the leadership, guidance, correction and care of the submissive for EQUAL exchange of her agreement to follow his/her leadership, acceptance of their guidance and corrections, to look after their care as well. You cannot have one without the other. A submissive cannot submit without a Dominant willing to "dominate" nor can a Dominant be "dominant" over an un-consenting submissive. Submissives give them the Authority to Dominate.

If we go by the definition of Control, yes...we consent to them holding the power of control. The key word is we CONSENT to the exchange. What happens when you throw in things such as manipulation? Again, another term that can easily be mistaken or construed.

Manipulate:

1: to treat or operate with or as if with the hands or by mechanical means especially in a skillful manner

2 a : to manage or utilize skillfully

   b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage

3: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose

On one hand, a Dominant may manipulate our bodies during a scene and such. As a submissive, we can manipulate our schedules, our clothes, etc to better serve/suit our Doms. That is where the manipulation should end. At no time is it ok to use deceitful, insidious or unfair means to get another to bend to serve your own purpose. This is where abusive control steps in. 

A "controlling" person generally has one objective in mind...their own. They tend to be very self focused and driven. They will claim to have your best interests in mind, but in reality, they generally want to bend things to suit them...despite of your wishes, desires, needs and often in worst case scenarios, your emotional and physical well being. It is seen all too often, those who have hidden under the umbrella of being a "dominant." They use literal translations of the words "domination" and "control" to hide behind in serving their own person. 

Yes, a Dominant will want things done their way. He or She will give you a task they want done, most likely including how they want it done and a time frame in which to do it. You may even initially think "God you are such a control freak! Why do I have to do it that way? What if I want to do it this way? What if I can't get it done in time because I have a house to clean, kids to look after, etc??" But, if you take a closer look and all too often, when it's done we see it. The task wasn't so much about us doing it their way, but more about our Dominant teaching us, guiding us to do something better. With a true Dominant, there is never any deceptive or insidious intentions. It is always about pushing you to be better than you believe yourself to be. Why? Because they care.

For submissives with little to no experience, seeing the difference between healthy domination and abusive control is often a challenge at best. Unfortunately, even some "seasoned" submissives may miss it at first...especially if it starts our healthy and has a slow decline. In the exchange of power, it provides a "Dominant" easy access to abuse of control. But even a submissive who has consented to TPE (Total Power Exchange), they always have at least (and often the most powerful) one choice or control left to them...The power to leave the relationship. If your Dominant is not meeting your needs anymore, they're unhappy most of the time and no amount of polite requests have resulted in any changes, leaving is the best bet. There is no point in wasting time on an unhealthy relationship that makes you feel bad and does not meet your needs.