Grandma jo...

i had been grappling with the pain in my right back jaw for the last few days.. sometimes its searing, sometimes its content to remain in the background.. and it was so bad i lost sleep last night coz of that... don think i'm exaggerating okie.. don you dare underestimate a woman's pain threshold. bleah.

anyway decided to go to the dentist after lunch with gabbie, zhiming & xun.. so the dentist sat me down, asked some questions, stuffed some cotton in my mouth, made me hold some metal clip in my hand while he holds some metal equipment to sensitize my teeth... and so apparently i don have sensation in two of my pearlies. so he sent me for an x-ray. man.. so complicating....

so apparently some root canal problem. might be ramnants of my cyst removal couple of years back.. some infection there.. which could either get worse or just remain there.. so will have to go see specialist.. who is super busy, so gotta wait 3 months..

BUT thats not the cause of my ache.. BLEAH. its like opening pandora box to a bigger problem, and still not having the original problem fixed.. and so i have to live with it till it heals.. (*hint: prayer needed*) he prescribed some muscle relaxer for me, which i rolled my eyes.. didnt feel like gettting it so i just scurried off without going to the pharmacist as told.. heh. :p

it really is heatiness i swear.. so many people told me.. (though someone will roll his eyes...) so am staying off heaty food for a while... and more sleep.. and more water.. and let this machine get well by herself.. the Creator is an ingenious Designer- didnt you know that?

anyhow, now grandma jo takes like half an hour to eat a piece of apple. sad sad case.. and she has been warned not to open her mouth too big, not stretch her muscle, not irritate it.. and be careful when she yawn *YAWN*

btw, realized that the cleaning services at the NUH dental center also not very cheap.. 60-80 bucks.. about the same as what i pay when i go to Epismile!! hmph... condemn me for going to private clinic???

Joshua

One question bugged me during the study of Joshua in DM last season-
Why did God have to make the Israelites conquer Canaan? Since it is the Promised Land, since they have suffered enough by roaming the desert for forty years, and since it’s a gift- why not just give them a piece of land that was uninhabited? Why a piece of land that was occupied by pagans who idol worship? Why make them fight bloody battles and suffer deaths? Why not just a land flowing with milk and honey in a part of the world that was not occupied?

I recognize that it belonged to a category of questions that were unanswerable- why did God do what He did? The best answers are sensible conjectures at best. But I was really perplexed, I didn’t understand God’s way- it didn’t make sense to me.
I resigned to “God’s sovereignty”, learn the lessons God wants us to from His dealings with Israel, and “respected His free will to do as He did”- after all He’s God and I’m not. But after musing about it over time, I cannot say “to have seen the light”, but some thoughts arose.

Think about this- this is a generation that only heard about the deeds of God passed down to them from their fore-fathers, the first generation experiencing the Exodus had perished. A strong heritage of God’s presence is no doubt something to be proud of, to find confidence in- but somehow, it still “belonged to our forefathers”.
Maybe that’s why Moses had to tell the people that the covenant was not made with the forefathers, but with them as well. But with God leading them into battles and giving them victory, they inherited the Promised Land with a strong legacy.
Lord, I don want to just hear stories about you from the past. I learn about You from them, and I believe, but I want You to bring me with You into the battlefield Lord. To see you in action, to make His-story with You.

They fought and played a part in claiming the land called their own, God allowed them to share the ownership of the gift He had prepared for them. They fought and knew God in a way they never would have known, God showed Himself to these people through these tests. They fought and grew, God knew best the way to make His kind of man. They fought, and failed, and repented, God showed them who was God.
Lord, thank you for giving worthless creatures as us a part to play in Your mighty plan for creation. The goodness and glory is Yours alone, but You graciously allow us to partake in it. Help us Lord to see You through it all.
Thank you for all the trials and tests that come our way. You know us best and how we need to grow. You are the Potter and we are the clay. Mould us Lord, and have us cling on to the end Lord, like how the clay just sticks on the Potter’s hand.

Happy Father's Day!

To my daddy on earth and in heaven, Happy Father's Day!

Thank you & You for your love to me.

Heartbreak hotel (I)

This is not a place of healing- I have to be honest with my guests. I offer them no remedy to cure their heartache, nor remove the scars they have. Just a place to tell their story, just a place to get some air.

Auburn hair, hazel eyes, an air of sophistication followed her about. She sat in the café for long hours in the afternoons. Smoking her cigarette, sipping her latte, listening to the band play. Sometimes looking deep into an unseen reality unfolding before her eyes, occasionally chatting with a stranger who asked to share her table. She asked me to sit with her one day.

“I saw the questions in your eyes,” she smiled. I fiddled in my seat embarrassed, as my eyes stayed on the wedding band round her finger. I noticed it when she first checked in during the fall of 99, and every time she came round subsequently. She had made many trips here - some trips longer than the rest, sometimes just dropping in for a cuppa.

“Do you know how many times your heart can get broken?” She broke into my recollections. “It seems that no matter how small a piece you have left from the last time it broke, it can shatter some more. Each time the pain is fresh and you don think you can survive another ounce of ache, but you do. It’s such a cruel exercise- you preserve your heart to keep yourself alive, but as it barely learns how to breathe, he breaks it again. He does not know how painful it is, he isn’t even aware how much I cry, he does not even know how much it takes me to hope again, he does not even know that I know..”

***

A loves B and only B, but B loves not only A. Sometimes another lover, sometimes just a fling. But if you love him, here’s the place to mend your heart each time it’s torn apart. Check in here if you want to be able to survive in this waiting game. Get some air, and return to wait again.

***

side note: yay! the small font is working again!

thank you kor...

on behalf of the many who had benefitted from your giving... echoing the deep sentiments of my heart... thank you for giving to the Lord, i am so glad you gave.

my condolence

you don know me, and it does not matter at all. just need to give this tiny ache in my heart a little space to breathe.

you were only sixteen when you left home, leaving behind green fields and walked into dark grey forests. for education and hope of a better life, for your family’s glory and mummy’s dream. you went away.

yellow faces you never saw, a tongue you never spoke. a culture totally different from your own, loneliness you’ve never known before. for the better tomorrow in sight, for the pride that will be their eyes- you worked hard and swallowed all your tears inside.

now daddy’s gone and you’re far away, having no money to return home. the pain of love lost, the wrench of not being there. the solitude of facing loss alone, the burn of leaving them on their own.

nothing anyone can say will ease the grief, nothing will lessen the pain. but know that there is someone out there who faced the same, and overcame. rest in Him brother, and take joy you will see dad again one day.

Something there

When I remember…

God told the Israelites to “Remember…”, to not forget what He has done for them, to recall His goodness. This is an apparent application point for any bible study on those passages in the Pentateuch. A basis to return to when relating to God, a starting point for thanksgiving, a remedy to cure ungratefulness. A provision and reminder from our loving God has to keep His straying children faithful? Maybe.

Often in our conversations, Arthur says “Remember the time when…” and we recollect with much fondness something we have done together. A secret smile beams from the heart as we think about a particular event or time we had together. “Remembering” became alive for me.

Remembering is not just an activity of the mind- a call to our grey matter the past. It engages and affects the heart, and an upwelling of emotions engulfs us.
Remembering is not an inability to move on from the past. It is a natural activity between two who are in love, holding on dearly to the good the other has done.
Remembering is not just a desperate attempt to invoke or force feelings for the other. It affirms and assures, grounds and gives strength to the relationship between.

When God tells us to remember, it is personal. It is real. It ought to shake us at the deepest of our nerves, when we remember how He parted the sea for His people and drowned the enemies that come after. It ought to tear our hearts apart, when we remember how we like our forefathers curse God for taking us out of Egypt. It ought to be a desire for us, to remember the love that was displayed on the cross where Jesus accomplished salvation and bought with His blood the gift of life for us.

No doubt we forgetful people need to make it a discipline to remember His deeds, and it may take a deliberate effort sometimes. But think about this: Do you think Moses have to dig hard into his memory as he recounted what God did for Israel? Was Daniel practicing false piety as he remembered God’s faithfulness in his prayer while he is in exile? Did the early church fake the strength they found as they recalled His acts for their forefathers?
Why then does remembering become such a painful activity for us today? The communion becomes but a slap in our faces, reminding us of our callous hearts.

Our fathers of faith knew God and loved Him. They claimed the God that was revealed in His dealings with their ancestors as their own. Remembering Him was their favorite activity- be it His great acts in the past, or His personal intervention in their lives. God’s acts shook them to the core. What they had with God is a loving relationship, a passionate journey. Then the walk becomes worth remembering, and the story worth telling and retelling and written and passed on.

Dear God,
Make me love you more, help me know you deeper- such that remembering becomes my natural activity and telling about you is my favorite story.
What You did for my fathers of faith, it is mine to claim. For You are unchanging yesterday today, forever the same.
Let worship result when I remember, let praise for You spring forth. You alone are worthy of honor and glory, we need to remember.
Amen.