The name of the game

I don’t like competition. This is why I cannot play competitive sports, and competitive people do not like to play with me either.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the feeling of winning- who doesn’t? But surely, there can be win-win situations? And surely surely, winning does not always have to be at the expense of others. And surely surely surely, winning has to be done fair and square right?

This is why I was having a hard day in the office this afternoon, it’s not the first this has happened, but my frustration has reached its threshold.

So the company has been poaching staff from other competitors- sure no problem, I’m sure they came here voluntarily as well. But that’s ok, selling is selling. May the salesman with be best skills win.
But then, to have propriety information from competitors, circulating them- using that as a benchmark to copy- that’s just not cool. And knowing that the source of the info is from a friend, makes it even harder. I cannot say I’m surprised, I expected it from them and I expected it from him, which is why I did not want to bring anything over. I don’t want to have to give them that info or lie that “I don’t have it”.
Worst of all, I’m being asked constantly “how TR does this?” I’m reluctant to answer directly, but I can’t not answer as well.

I guess it’s normal to “play dirty” to get ahead. And perhaps, some might argue that it’s not playing dirty. Market rule dictates. They pay for the talent. And some of these things are public knowledge to some extent, or given by a prospective client they're trying to steal. But it just feels dirty. Having the info is not wrong or bad, but how one gets it matter! Use it only if you can find it on the web!

But I know my problem is that they are “stealing from TR”. I have no sympathies about the people they got from other firms like BB or CapIQ. My heart is still really there, and I want to go back and tell them to get their act together!!
And that’s why I’m going to follow up heart this time. I hope it works out. Even if I’m “sealing my career”, getting into a big fat mess, or risking get laid off, so be it. It will be in God’s hands. How often does one find something that one truly cares about, and be willing to roll in the deep for it? And of course it doesn’t hurt that I’ll be able to be home more, and get more freedom. Yay!

One big lesson for me: I don’t like competition, especially dirty competition. And I am too “loyal” or “sentimental”, to betray my roots or where I come from. If I ever change my job or company again, I can’t do something too similar- otherwise there will always be these ethically hazy grounds I’ll be thrust into again.

And so indeed, the decision has been made. Sharing this here, makes it more settled for me. Now it’s fingers crossed, and I hope things go through!

Good bye Ah-Ma

Good bye, grandma. I’ll miss you. You are such a remarkable mother. You rode the junk boat from China to Singapore to look for grandpa all by yourself. You lived through World War II. You raised all 9 children by yourself after grandpa died, you never remarried. You ran a bicycle shop, paid off grandpa’s debts, and sent all of your children through college, single-handedly. You raised them well- to be men and women of good values, and you were a great mother-in-law. You are so dear to them.

Good bye grandma, I’ll miss you. You are a wonderful grandmother.
You shielded me from mummy’s strokes of cane, you took me to go marketing. You cooked so many delicious meals, and left us wonderful recipes. You showed strength through your recovery from your accident, and you wanted so much to be independent. You held on for so long, even through the last few years. You were a wonderful grandmother. You are so dear to me.

I wish I remember more of the things we did together, I wish we were living together in the last days of your life. I asked you more questions about your stories and sat by you and listened more. I wish life had be easier on you, I wish the motorcycle did not knock you down. I wish you did not have to be confined to a room, and then a bed. I wish death had been easier for you. I’ll miss you Ah-ma.

Now my hope is in God, that in those last days when no one could reach you, He reached down deep inside and saved you. That He who would never judge unjustly, would be merciful to us all. I hope to see you again someday, and I hope we’ll be together again.

Sorry that I am not there to remember you with the rest of the family, but you will always be in my heart. I love you Ah-ma. I miss you.

Good Friday

Why is this night different from all the other nights?
Why is this day different from all the other days?

It was the night that You saved Your people from slavery
It was the day You marched them into freedom and towards Your Promised Land.
It was the night when blood was shed to escape death
It was the day Your promises to the patriarchs were fulfilled.

It was the night that You were betrayed by those You love
It was the day You were crucified and forsaken.
It was the night Your obedience to the Father’s will brought You sorrow
It was the day Your death brought us life.

It was the night we were saved from our slavery to sin
It was the day we had a chance at true freedom and Your new creation
It was the night we catch a glimpse of what obedience to the Father meant
It was the day our Lord was nailed to a cross.

This is the night we remember who You are to us
This is the day we remember what You have done for us
This is the night that reminds us of the night within us
This is the day that reminds us of the Light You have put in us.

Are You here yet Lord?
When will You come to visit us again?

Another round in the woods

One’s values are truly tested when faced with a choice. And when feeling humans are up against the corporation, the odds seem doomed.

For many years now, I thought that I’ve figured out the role of work in my life. That it is primarily a means that God has given to provide for my family, and an avenue to glorify Him in my attitudes and relationships with my colleagues. It is a school in which He uses to teach us lessons about contentment, and a way He may surprise us by providing us with unexpected joy in our toil.
If that were true, why was I frustrated by the idea of me and my work “not going anywhere” in TR? Do I have hidden ambition that I am clueless about? I don’t think I have crazy ambitions, but what on earth do I want out of my work?

And I thought I figured out how to make decisions within God’s permissive will. I used to quip, “Take the journey with God, and He will impress upon your heart and lead you to where He wants you to be”. Yet, I feel completely lost in my current predicament still (yes, TR contacted me again). What happens when my head and my heart are in different places? Perhaps I’m really “far from Him” right now, but can He please take over and have His will be done?

The reasons why I want to go back to TR are out of my sentimentality for the people there, and my desire to help out in the difficult situation the project is in right now. It’s going to be frustrating, difficult, a “death sentence” on my career possibly by making yet another lateral move, and a ride in a “sinking ship”. No one who has left ever wants to go back, I’m told. And people whom I like may leave and change, and the company will not have any sentimentality when they put down the axe.
All in all, it really makes no sense for me to return- perhaps the draw of working with people whom I admire and like, the slightly higher salary, more flexibility, working from home fully, be challenged and business trips to places I like. Isn’t this all worth it?

The reasons I should stay in M* is that it will be better for my career, the work is easier, the company is in a better place, I could get to try my hands at management to see if it’s a good fit, I’m in the middle of projects- I’ll let another team down by leaving them halfway, and I cannot think of any push factors. But I’m resisting opening my heart to the company and people here. I am not miserable, and I do like some of the people here. I guess I could survive and try to enjoy myself, but I’ll always be thinking of the people I left behind.

Pray tell now, what shall I do? I made a decision with my head once previously, and now another opportunity is presenting itself. Why? Should I try going with my heart this time? Or am I just being silly?

One lesson I have learnt for sure- empathy when people are struggling with decision-making. It can be so hard, so distracting.

Want to know God's will for your life?
"Live for God. Obey the Scriptures. Think of others before yourself. Be holy. Love Jesus. And as you do these things, do whatever else you like, with whomever you like, wherever you like, and you'll be walking in the will of God" (Kevin DeYoung)

“ The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven. ”
— John Milton