Mya's First Week

It’s been 9 days since little Mya entered our lives. It’s unbelievable how quickly the days have flown by.

Even with a baby who sleeps 80% of the time, there are still many stories that she co-writes with us. Stories of – nights when she has kept us up, times when we feel frustrated and helpless when we are not able to figure out why she is fussing, her strong kicks and air punches when we’re changing her diaper, lessons “learnt on the job” (like breastfeeding and when to pick her up); and not to mention the “perks and pains” of having my mother help me with (enforcing the) confinement, the uncomfortable healing process from the delivery, and the list goes on. 

But still, the broader theme is that Mya has been an incredibly sweet baby. There are more nights when we have to wake her up for feeding than nights when she kept us up, and when she cries there is usually a very good reason – that she’s cold, hungry or uncomfortable from a dirty diaper. She feeds easily, though she seems to have recently added a short routine prior to latching on. She makes all sorts of cute sounds and faces in her sleep, and only few of them really require attention. And even when she is wailing at the top of her lungs (praise God for the healthy pair!), she blesses us with a pout that is so distractingly adorable; it’s almost impossible to get upset with her.

Yet in the midst of the love, joy, excitement, occasional fatigue, and wide-eyed wonder; the overwhelming feeling that I have these days is a combination of heart wrench and nostalgia.

I look forward to her growing up, but this means that the precious days of her being an innocent little baby are numbered. She will not remember any of these first few days (well, technically years) of her life, but they are surely etched in Arthur and my memories forever. Her chubby cheeks, her facial expressions, her stretches, the way she waves her hands in the air and moves her fingers, and the many “little nothings” – have all meant more than so many somethings. We will cherish these days that will pass all too quickly.

Looking upon her angelic countenance, it breaks my heart that such purity and beauty will have to experience the broken-ness of this world and worst of all death, some day. I hate death! What have I “brought upon her”? To bring her into this world to suffer? Thankfully, Arthur reminded me that this is exactly why Jesus came. So that we can all be together in eternity together forever on that day.

Although it’s been only 1 week, I’m already counting down to the day when I have to go back to work. I thought it will not be that difficult, and things might change then; but at this point, I’m dreading having to leave this little one behind. The only thing that brings me comfort is that she will be in the safe hands of her daddy and Daddy.

I know that these “best possible forms of heart wrench and nostalgia” allow me to touch in a minuscule way the Father’s heart. It blows my mind how He will give such a sacred gift to a creature as depraved as I. I guess this helps me taste a little of God’s abounding love and compassion to His creation and children, but I cannot help but wonder if He looks upon us with the same tenderness as we “grow up into adults” and how does He do that from age to age for all eternity? Maybe that’s why.. let the little children come to Him!

I’m 32 today!

When I was 31, I did not think it possible for me to be more godly, grow that much wiser, have more love in my heart, or be too ruffled in good and bad ways by life experiences (for truly, there is nothing new under the sun). By my own standards, I thought I had “all I needed for the rest of my life”. Sure, I’d grow a little each year; but no more quantum leap experiences or growth in areas that matter.
Yet standing at the end of my 32^nd year and the beginning of my 33^rd, I would be a fool not to see how wrong I was wrong. Still, the Faithful Potter is molding me in ways unimaginable.

People jokingly say “be careful what you pray for! Testing will surely come when you ask for patience.” I was tired of feeling like an “ok” Christian. Sure, I am a sinner, but I struggle with the “honorable sins” that are common to man – I can never be perfect on this side of heaven, can I? So I asked Him to convict me of my sin, not expecting much of it.

When He showed me the impact of my sin and pride on those around me, how foolish I was, how prideful I was when correction came, and how far I had drifted from desiring holiness and pleasing Him; I knew He answered my prayer. It’s painful and uncomfortable; but strangely comforting at the same time. He was not yet done with me. He still wants me to grow in godliness and wisdom, I was still His.
O may I live in the fear of the Lord and love Him in the days ahead!

I will learn even more about love when I meet my little one 5 days later. But what this pregnancy has taught me most about love in the last 8 months; is what Arthur meant when he vowed to love me “in sickness and in health”.

He cared for me and served me willingly – rushing to my side when I was throwing up, massaging me almost every night and going to the doctor visits with me. When I was stricken by all the morning sickness, itching and bodily aches, he did everything he could to make me more comfortable and took care of the household chores. He was my shoulder to cry on when the misery became unbearable. He was my rock and cheerleader when I was worried or scared. He still is all those things, one of God’s best and greatest gift to me. It’s amazing to see how a heart-ful of love can still yet grow fuller.
O may I cherish, love, serve and help Arthur become his future glory-self (Meaning of Marriage)!

We’re standing at the edge of so many things in our lives right now. About to plunge into the world of parenting, and groping in the fog trying to discern what the next step after Arthur’s graduation might be. In the midst of feelings of anticipation, trepidation and excitement; are also deep longings to be close to my loved ones (if only I could pack them in my bag and take them wherever with me!), a sense of loss accompanying the gains (losing “life just as a couple” when we welcome our little girl) and clearly some cluelessness. How could one feel a mix of so many different things at the same time?

O God, ground our hearts and minds in You as You lead us into the next season as a family!

Thank YOU God for this day, for all that You’ve done for and given to me in Christ. I celebrate YOU as I celebrate this birthday. Happy Birthday to me!