Blessed Christmas!

 “Yes,” said Queen Lucy. “In our world too, a stable once had something inside it that was bigger than the whole world.” – The Last Battle, C.S. Lewis

Christmas has been made special this year by Hidden Christmas by Tim Keller, Pastor Tom’s sermon series on John the Baptist who came to prepare the way, getting to know Henry Wadsworth Longfellow better through “I heard the Bells”, Dallas Jenkin’s “The Best Christmas Pageant”, Angel Studio’s “David and the above quote by C.S Lewis.

I read a quote recently that “we suffer more in imagination than reality” by Seneca the Younger, a Roman philosopher. There is much truth in that, especially recently, as I ran through multiple scenarios of what-ifs with my work situation. But, yet, what have we without imagination? Without the ability to enter another world, to dream dreams, to contemplate the cosmic unseen reality.

The stable, the manger, the virgin
They held something within bigger than them
Someone who veiled His glory
God who put on flesh
 
The angels, the magi, the shepherds
They proclaimed news that rang through the ages
Someone who laid aside His deity
God who came to save
 
Herod, the innkeeper and I
Had no room for Him we say
Someone who threatened our kingdom
God whom we displaced
 
Faith, hope, trials
Lifts our eyes to the life beyond
Someone has made a way back to
God our Father Creator King
 
Love, joy and peace
We’re given something bigger this world
Someone who was and is and is to come
Jesus Christ our Lord and Brother

Happy Belated Birthday Mya!

Dearest Mya,

Happy 12^th birthday! I remember 12 being such a significant milestone in my childhood as I was Primary 6 and in my final year of elementary school. You, on the other hand, started middle school at Station this year!

What a shift this year has been. You’re riding your bike to school and home, made new friends, figured out your school locker, ran cross country, played basketball and cello, started youth group, went on your first youth retreat and on some days came home later than me! My little bird is fluttering her wings outside the nest now. And I’m excited, nervous, proud, happy, all at the same time. Oh my nerves, my poor poor nerves!

You’re also wearing your teenage sass so tall and proud. Whether it’s having to bribe you for hugs “lemonade!”, being reminded by you that “the little girl is gone”, or putting up with “we’re not going to be close” comments, or saying I’m so Pollyana… you’re my beautiful spirited teenage queen.

Your love for Jane Austen, Anne of Green Gables, Wicked and K-pop demon hunters; your ability to memorize lyrics and songs, your whackyness and sense of humor… Oh the books you have read – so many that I’ve not in my life, my avid reader. And I’ve so loved enjoying romantic comedies with you, whether its wandering into the Chicago neighborhoods in While you’re sleeping, or breezing through the streets of New York in You’ve got mail, or exploring London and the California vineyards in The Parent trap. How I wish some day, we’ll get to stomp around in those cities together!

I think we can safely say that we have “our restaurant” and “our meal” now. Our dates at Viet Taste over pho are precious to me. Going through Sex Ed Reclaimed is also meaningful. We even went to our first Christian conference together – Fly through the Bible. And in the year to come, we’ll get to experience SIX the Musical, and the Ellie Holcomb concert together. I’m so excited for the many experiences we’ll get to share and memories we get to make together.

This year, we got to celebrate your birthday with Aunt Katie and the Dickersons. You were so sweet to Emma

Oh my dear, dear girl. You know that you’re loved for who you are, don’t you. No need for perfect scores or being right, it’s not about winning every fight – you’re mine, you’re ours, you’re His! And that’s why we love you. No conditions, no requirements. You’re part of our tribe, now and forever, always. I love you, Mya. Daddy loves you, Elliot loves you. King Jesus loves you most of all.  

Happy Belated Birthday Elliot

 Dearest Elliot,

Happy 9th birthday! We celebrated your birthday by going to a Virtual Reality Experience and Gordon Ramsay's burger - where you got to indulge both your love for burgers and football. Happy birthday son, you are so precious to us. 

These years seem to be getting more and more difficult, and I find myself helpless on how to parent you. Whether it's your flippant attitude, piercing words, cheeky twerks, anger outbursts, hurtful actions, disrespectful behavior and unknown triggers of shame... I'm struggling. Perhaps i am overly critical or annoying, or that I try too hard. Between not wanting to over-react, but also not wanting you to think that these things are ok because they are not, and wanting to hold you to a high standard to the man you can be - I find myself most worried about how both you and Mya would turn out, and whether I would fail you as a mother. I worry about relinquishing too much authority or responsibility.

Thankfully, you have a father who is ever so patient, compassionate and loving. He lets you be you. He knows you deeply and shows compassionate, unconditional love. Yet, he also disciplines you. I know you love him so much and fear him too. And we have a God, who is my only source of hope at the end of the day - who made you, formed you, and holds you in His hands. And so if the best thing I can do is to be so weak so His strength can be made perfect in my weakness, then that shall be my boast. 

You've made so much progress in dealing with being in the tornado zone. You know when to step away to calm yourself down. You get over things faster and you don't let things fester. You speak your mind and wear your heart on your sleeve. I love how this is so evident in your prayers.

And despite all that you say about and do to Mya, I know that you love her, look up to her and tries to keep up with her. You delighting in Wicked before the movie came out, belting out to Backstreet Boys songs, reading books that Mya did; all show Mya's influence on you.

Your love for sports and natural athletic abilities marvels me. Coming home from the book fair with the NFL posters for your wall and ceiling, all the stats and names you have in your head, and how your day high and lows are tied to your games at recess. 

I love you son, so much. I cannot wait to see how God will continue to mold and shape you, to His glory and praise. I pray God will make you His own, that you will come to know and love and serve Him with all your heart, and that He will help me love you well. 

Swinging in low

 A new year, a quarter way through this century that I’ll not see the end of. I’m still feeling my way out of this spiritual fog – which perhaps is to be expected since I’m not hearing His voice from His Word for a few weeks now. I need my train time back!

The second half of 2024 was super intense work-wise. Taking on 2.5 teams, working on reorgs, planning for the new year, trying to wrap up the year, putting out client fires, doing a leadership development program, travelling, building relationships, etc. It’s a LOT. But very satisfying too. To hear Pat say that he sees me reflecting Christ with my work, was perhaps one of the most meaningful compliments I’ve ever received. To have team members trust me and want to stay with me and confide in me. Jesus is why I care so much about work, too much – some might say. He is who I want to bring glory to. Jesus is who I want people to see - that's why I care about the people I work with. 2 Peter 2: 12 “Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.” But I’m worried that I’m pouring myself too much into things that might turn to chaff, will they? Or is that truly my mission field? I'm worried I'm identifying too much myself with work. And I’m worried that it’s done at the expense of what I could be doing for His bride or my family.

It feels like I’m slipping away in my relationships and commitments at church. I don’t feel particularly connected to the LIFE Group, especially with my delinquent attendance and not having a lot of energy to build new relationships. I’m not growing spiritually or in my knowledge of Him or His Word particularly. I don’t feel too bad or guilty per say, just foggy.

And then I’m not feeling too swell as a wife or a mom either. I’m not doing much for Arthur, other than cooking; or with Arthur for that matter. I’m barely aware of the kids’ activities or school schedule; and time with them often means breaking up fights or “fighting with them” instead of helping the grow or develop character. And no one else likes hosting, and hosting takes time away from the family too – so use less the hospitality gift? I just don’t know what good I am to them these days. I love them, I do! But I’m feeling like I’m not very good for them these days, or what I’m supposed to be doing with them.

Feeling a little sick physically too.

Riding from the 2024 year end high, it’s perhaps where I need to start 2025. Feeling a little small, a little low, a little needy – needing to hear from my Lord. I wish I had clearer goals outside of work. Where is the list to check off? Where is the roadmap? I don't know where else to go Lord, and I can’t do much else Lord, I can only come…

Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”