Hmmmm, where to start.

I was warned Ben would be a sponge and pick up on things more and more each day. I have decided, Ben may not be much of a talker. Oh, he loves to Jibber jabber, but when it comes to communicating with us, he seems he would much rather use sign language.
Words he signs: Please, milk, all done, thank you, Mom, Dad, waves bye bye, blows kisses now most the time instead of waving bye bye.

When,he wants his shoes on, he picks them up and hands them to me. He did that for the first time this past weekend. When he wants them off, well he unstraps and takes them off.

He is quite a helper. Still washing dishes. He hands his clothes to me to put them a way after I folded them, of course, I refold after he hands them to me.

He loves to help Dad vacuum the floors, he holds the chord as Jake moves from one room to then next. Often, he likes to turn the vaccuum off and on, just to keep Jake on his toes.


He also has become INFATUATED with books. He loves them. Each night he heads to his room to get out all of his books and flip through them page by page. I try to read to him one or two, but most the times he likes to read to himself as he jibber jabbers from page to page. His absolute favorite is of course......

Yes, he has "read" himself to sleep more than once now with this book. Thanks Jesse. This book was a birthday present from Sydney Muenks...his future wife. Haha. She got him an Astronaut one just like it, but he seems to enjoy this one more. Hmmmmmm, ironic?
I have also decided Benjamin, looks quite a bit like Dennis the Menace.

And his daredevil moves quite often remind me of Dennis the Menace. His favorite being standing up on any toy he can find.

He loves, loves, loves walks in his stroller. I say, You wanna go for a walk? and his hands start waving and he is practically shaking with excitement. And he screeches in laughter. Let's find your shoes, and he is off running.
So, over the weekend, we saw this info-mercial on "Babies can Read" Well, I decided we could try our own method of teaching Ben words, and made a bunch of Flash cards. I have only gone over them twice now with him, but he seems to be attentive to the matter. He seems to think it is a fun game, so we shall see.
He is Medical dr visits and prescription free for over a month now. He really likes the rice milk, and pretty much drinks it like water. He lOVES peas and grean beans. Now if we could just get him to eat more meats. I have found I should put that on his plate first and give him the vegetables as a dessert. Boy, isn't that going to be quite a story in the future when I am fighting Ben in three years to "EAT HIS PEAS!"
He is such a character, and there is so much more I am sure I have missed out, but he is a real joy. He STILL only has four teeth, but the constant slobbering, knawing of his hand, and a few restless nights, make me believe there are quite a few coming in.
Ben has helped his mother so much with our recent loss of our baby. He reminds me how truly blessed we are, and that God is always taking care of us. Again, his works may not always be my plans. I still feel a constant hole in my heart, but it will most likely be something I will feel for the rest of my life. It gives me great comfort to know Baby Bean never had to suffer though, and She(I have found myself referring to her as a girl) is up in heaven hanging out with the "BIG GUY" So, really what more could you ask for your child?
All is well, and Baby Girl Schwab is on her way in the next three weeks. Which also means a visit from Grandma and Grandpa Holee. So we are very excited!

Wild West Day and visiting family.

Check out the two little cowboys at Wild West Day!

Three more little cowboys, L to R, David, Matthew, and Ethan.

He constantly wanted to hold onto straw, one in each hand. Something about it, that and pens and pencils. Not really sure what that is all about.


First pony Ride. He held on all by himself. I was there for support just in case.

He was very focused the entire ride of the pony. Once or twice he looked at me to smile, and say, "Check me out MOm, I am so big." But that was it. He knew he needed to hold on.

Look at the camera! As I point and smile. I always find these pictures funny, cuz it never really works to get Ben to ACTUALLY LOOK at the camera.

Nothing like finishing the day off with an icecream cone. His eyes practically rolled back in his head.


Hanging out with Ava. They kind of look alike. Ava tried to give some lovins, but neither of them were up for sitting still too long.



Morning Walk with Grandma K.

B-man

Talkative Benjamin. He jabbers all day long. Not quite sure what he is saying but he sure does. Looks at me with the most serious face, and tells me and points. I just say, "oh ya, Is that right?"

He is so smart. He will tell us now how old he is and puts his one little index finger in the air, and sounds to us like , "un" My Mom says he is going to be like me and just start saying complete sentance's one day. His absolute favorite thing to do is push things around the house on the floor, whether it be the laundrey basket, a plastic tupperware container, a block, a book, his toy rocking cow, or his toy lion.

He has a curiosity trait that reminds me most of the Holee Men. For example Papa Doug and Jake. He often tries to take things apart, sit on things, or just look at things in the most curious way. He is drilling up ideas in his head, and by the look on his face I would like to jump in that little mind of his, and find out what he is thinking.

He has become quite the balancing act as he climbs on top of his lion, and stands with arms spread out. This is an accident waiting to happen.


He loves playing at the park, and is infatuated with slides.



I just thought this was a good shot of him in the evening sun. He is such a handsome little guy.


Ben is an absolute joy. He plays by himself all the time now, and I am amazed. His true best friend is Mugsy. He gives Mugsy as many open mouth kisses as Mugsy gives to him.

I want to say quickly I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers. I can really tell that God is working through so many of my friends and family in being so supportive. I am amazed sometimes of the love that people show for others, and it makes me want to be a better person. I would also like to say how much Jake and I have grown from a very sad experience in our lives. He has been somewhat of a superhero to me. When he hugs and holds me in my sad times, it's like he wants to absorb all the pain I have felt, and take it away from me. My brother recently asked me if I could have any superpower in the world, and I decided that is what it would be. I would be able to take away any physical or emotional pain that a loved one feels. How handy would that have been when Benjamin burnt his hand on the oven door.

So tell me, if you could have any super power, what would it be?

My Awesome brother Jason and his wife, Crystal have been incredible also. So props to you guys. And one more props to Mr. Benjamin. He has given to us so much in such a hard time. He will probably never realize, but I only hope that one day he realizes even as a child how much he has allowed Jake and I to grow as adults.

Happy Fall Weather to everyone!

A little Soul

I asked my friend who had also miscarried her baby- if she ever feels as if she now has a little soul in heaven watching over her, cuz that is kind of what I feel and it is comforting.

She responded with, "every day" like when she sees a butterfly or her daughter, Ava points to something and there is nothing there.

My watergates open when I read her response, but it is one more reminder that God is working really hard through my family and friends to take care of me.

So thank you everyone for all your support. Some of you may not know how much you help me.

When does it cease?

So, I really want to feel better. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be lost and hurt. I dont' want to be mad at people when they laugh and act like everything is okay. This morning, all I could say was "God help me" over and over again. When people don't say anything to me, especially those that are close to me, I feel as if they don't care, and then the one's that aren't really close try to say they are sorry, and all I can do is collapse in tears.

When does the pain stop? When will the feelings diminish? Jake and I were talking, and really I KNOW everything I am supposed to think and feel. I know I am supposed to put my faith in God, and rely on him, but I am human. I still have all those human feelings that make me hurt like I have never hurt before. I pray so hard to get through this but often I feel I am facing a brick wall. I think about our baby's soul, and picture her in heaven. I have read over and over bible verse after verse. And each one lets me know how to feel I just want to feel that way. I am not certain if any of this makes sense. But if you want an idea read this .

I imagined the life of our baby to come for two and half weeks verses a day. I am not certain that it really matters. But, I looked for daycare for my baby. I laughed while co-workers planned a baby shower in the spring. Jake and I talked about names for our baby if boy or girl. I rubbed my tummy and talked to my little one growing inside me.I talked to Benjamin about his baby brother or sister. I planned my leave from work based on my due date. I told everyone and anyone about our baby to come. I imagined Bean playing with her big brother and them causing trouble. I imagined my birth with this one, and Jake sitting next to me again holding our miracle while I lay in the hospital bed smiling.
I know there are phases of this mourning. I would point my finger at a combination of two stages right now, Volatile and Lonliness.

I have no idea what I would do without Jake right now. He has been my stronghold, my sweetheart, my shoulder to cry on. He may not understand quite why I feel the way I feel, but he knows that I hurt. And I couldn't ask for anything more from him right now. So for now I can only say over and over that God truly has everything under control, and his plans are not always mine, but put faith in him that this too shall pass. He will pull us through and WE will be okay.

Six Weeks, Two Days

I am not certain if this is too early to write about, but then again I am not really certain how else I can help my emotions. It may be too personal also, but I don't really care. It is also one easier way to let some of my readers know without one more person ask how I am feeling, and ask me when I am due. Each time that is asked a part of me crumbles inside.

Bean you were about a 1/4 of an inch long this week, about the size of a lentil bean. Quite ironic. You were six weeks and two days old in my womb. Your ears, eyes, nose and mouth were forming. Your heart began to beat between 100 to 160 beats per minutes. Your blood begins to pump and course through your body. Your arms and legs are beginning to grow and take shape. Your brain, muscles, and bones were all growing. You are one of the many reasons, but most important reasons I feel pro-life.

I never got to feel you move or rock n roll inside, but I knew you were there, growing inside my tummy. A mother can only explain a feeling of life inside you. It is a truly amazing experience God has granted women. I feel blessed twice.

Everyone knows your story and how excited we were to have number two on the way, without even having to try. God decided for us. From the moment I found out, I prayed God would take care of us. Jake, Ben, and I prayed together everynight to have a healthy baby Bean.

People say that miscarriages are God's way of taking care of a child that may not be healthy or God does not want the child to suffer in the life ahead. We lost you on Friday. The moment I realized what was happening I cried, and couldn't stop crying. I was told to rush to the Hosptital for an Ultrasound at 11:30am. As I lay there for 20 some minutes, Jake holding my hand, the Ultrasonagrapher said nothing. She was checking each ovary, vessel, and part of my uterus. I could not see the screen, and Jake said he couldn't really tell anything by what he saw. After two hours of waiting, the on-call doctor came to us sitting in the waiting room. He sat beside us to tell us that their was not a normal pregnancy taking place in my womb, and there was no longer a baby in my womb. I tried to listen as he spoke, but it was all a jumble of words. Three possibilites: I had already miscarried, I was earlier along than I thought, therefore they couldn't see the baby yet, or I had an ectopic pregancy. The second theory was a slight hope but deep inside I knew what was happening. The longer I sat, the more I cramped, and my stomach and back ached. My head had been pounding since early that morning and seemed to double in pain as we sat there. He asked me to take a blood test to be certain, and see what level my pregnacy hormones were.

Everything was mostly a blur after that. I remember walking down the hallway of the hospital toward the exit, Jake and I both crying. Some sort of meeting was letting out close to the elevator doors. As we walked by, I didn't care about hiding my tears, and I looked at those people smiling and laughing, and I hated them. I hated them for who knows what reason, but all I wanted was Jake to hold me and I dissappear. We got to the car, and I lost it. We stood in the parking lot of the hospital, and cried in each other's arms.

As we headed home, I called my Mom, and she said she would be at the house as soon as possible. Jessica was watching Ben at the house. Jake was actually home with Ben for the day, and had Jessica come over when he got my call that I was headed to the hospital. I proceeded to call my boss, and let her know I wouldn't be in. She was extremely caring and kept asking if she could do anything. I know that everyone was trying to be nice, but NO, there wasn't anything anyone could do to make this better. We lost our baby. I was no longer due May 7, 2008. Ben would not be 22 months apart from his sibling. I would not be finding out the sex of our baby in December. I would not be holding my precious baby in 8.5 months.

At home, the doctor called at 5pm to confirm, I had lost the baby, and my blood tests showed those results. He said to take it easy, call him for anything, and it may be 12-24 hours before physically, I would feel better. Jake held me as I talked to him, and I asked how long before we would be able to start trying again, and he said four to six weeks, after one normal cycle. Jake held me and let me know everything would be okay, we have only taken a few steps back and would get through this. This may be the longest 4 to 6 weeks ahead, or who knows it may be longer. Friday night was horrible, physically my body was still miscarrying the baby, and I will not go into any detail. The cramps doubled me in pain, and as each one went by, it reminded me of what was happening, and made the emotional pain that much worse.

I feel selfish, I feel this was all my fault, I feel I did something wrong in the pregancy to lose you. I feel empty, alone, and depressed. Depressed people sleep because they don't feel, and sleep is all I have wanted to do this weekend. We got out Saturday morning for a few hours, and of course saw a person I worked with, with her daughter almost 9 months pregnant congratulating me. I can't handle it and we have to walk away. I have never felt this before. I can't stand to be by myself and find myself wanting Jake to be at my side constantly. I am better than Friday of course, but time will heal.

Why did this happen, Why GOD? I ask why over and over. I get mad, and then sad. I have cried more in the last three days than I feel I ever have in my life. I fear going to work tomorrow. I don't want to go and have to answer people about what happened. That same morning two of the girls from work were talking and excited about a baby shower for Bean in the spring. How do I face them?

My sister n law Crystal, was the first person I spoke to when it happened. She had previously lost her little angel just 20 weeks ago. She sent me this in an email, I read it later Friday night:

"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that they waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven." Psalms 107:28-30

One thing is for certain, I could not have handled any of this if I didn't have God in my life. I understand he has plans for us, that I won't ever know, but I am along for the ride. God is my savior and he will care for our family. He will get us through this, and lead us to another new beginning. I am going to ache, but that will be part of my mourning. I just wish the lost feelings would diminish quicker than they are. Benjamin helps me a lot. He reminds me of how truly blessed Jake and I have been. He is a joy in our lives that makes a lot of pain in life seem nothing. So thank you God again for him!

I read that 1 in 50 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. I don't know that another woman can understand the pain unless it happens to them.

Time will heal our family and we will be okay, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

God Bless our angel Bean in heaven.

Wordles

I thought this was kind of fun.

GO here and make your own!

Obsessive Compulsive Planner or Hormones?

Not quite certain if I have become OCD over this planning for daycare thing or if my preggo hormones have already made me crazy. Yesterday, I found out that possibly Ben's daycare isn't going to have an opening for Bean! Very upsetting!!

Then, I watched a movie last night called, "Then She Found Me." I have to say Helen Hunt is truly amazing. I have always loved her in all her movies, but this one made the tears shed and shed some more. Not quite certain it is a great movie for a woman to watch so early in her pregnancy, but it had a great ending and really makes you think. Our plans aren't always God's plans. And,after crying uncontrollably when it was over, I thought, MAMA MIA, you are crazy!

So,after calling 7 different daycares, to hear they have no openings till Mid 2010 is quite disappointing, and makes me somewhat Frantic. I have an open opportunity(Small window)on one gal that lives right down the street from us in the town we live in that possibly may be able to take Ben and Bean. I mean, I CAN'T seperate them. NO WAY! So, pretty sure I am a spaz, but finding open daycare facilities is truly cut throat work. You are either in or your out. Then, you have to find someone that you can trust your treasures of life with. That sends me chills to imagine all the horror stories of other daycare centers happening to my child. OH MY!

So, either Mama's mind is going OCD crazy to plan what is going to happen about a year down the road, or my hormones are making me a little nutso. OR WORSE, BOTH!! haha

Wish me luck!

Mr. Kusick, Dad, Pops, and Papa

Back to a little history of the family. Number one, we wouldn't be the children/adults we are today without the guidance of my dear old Dad. Let's just explain his physical appearance so you can have an idea. Five foot tall, good looking, Brick Wall with the softest heart of any man you could know.

I had mentioned before my Dad was the principal at the grade school we attended. And, one thing is for absolute certain he was GOOD at what he did. He was made to be a teacher, and a teacher of the trying age group of seventh and eighth graders. Sometimes, I joke that he is a kid at heart stuck in that time period. But really he has a stern and caring personality that compliment each other so well, they make him one of the most respected teachers I know.

Mr. Kusick was a principal at the Catholic Grade school in Frankenstein for 11 years. Mom and Dad mentioned that before he was offered the job there they were possibly going to move to Australia and Dad was going to take a teaching job there. Wow, how different would are lives be now, if he had done that?! Instead he took over the little grade school, and made it a great school. I mentioned before Mr. Kusick was stern. And stern may even be putting it mild. Talking back to him was not even an option by any student and if you did, WATCH OUT! He had the meanest look you could ever imagine, and when you got that look, you might as well go run and hide. HA! I remember as punishments for kids that acted up, they had to run around the school five times, or run up and down the two flights of steps inside 10 times. It wore you out, I never had to do it myself, but I saw many kids that did. I think my older brother Jason being one of them. After the workout, most kids were too tired to act up again. I can only imagine what parents would say today to Mr. Kusick. Well, he probably would be fired for cruel treatment to students, but whatever. Now days kids in school get away with EVERYTHING. And the parents that think their children are angels doesn't help the matter. But that is a whole other topic.

So, I keep referring to him as Mr. Kusick because that is what we had to call him at school, even as HIS children. I remember asking Mr. Kusick questions about Math, haha. So funny in my mind. That was the other thing, I believe I mentioned before. He was the BEST Math teacher I have ever come accross. He knew how to make us think and learn. He often made things into a competition, but really that was all a part of who he was. My competitive nature was inherited from Dad.

The most important thing that made Mr. Kusick a good teacher was he CARED. If his students didn't learn, then he failed, and he put every effort forward to make certain his students learned. He didn't make anything easy either. His Social Study tests were the hardest tests I took in grade school, only to compare to Coach Jeffries American History class in High school.

Outside of school, Dad kept busy too. He was the most hard-working man, I have ever known, and still is today. So, much that Pops probably needs to take-er-easy as he gets older. Gonna be 57 this year. On summer breaks he worked construction laying forms and setting concrete. He also kept an acre size garden at home with everything you could imagine. We had homegrown everything. I believe I mentioned my Dad's famous Dill pickles. Man, were they good.

One thing about him being the principal at school was if you messed up there, you dealt with Dad at home too, so the answer was- Don't screw up at school!
I always thought it was great experience for his children to know what Dad was like on the job. Not many children get to see their parent in their work environment. It makes a child hold a new respect for their parent.

My Dad has done some amazing things. I mentioned how he pulled a man from a burning building one time. No joke. He also saved my brother's best friend from drowning and being caught up in a boat propeller. Very scary situation, but Dad swam to him and pulled him away seconds before the WORST was about to happen.

His nickname at Hogan High School was "TOR" Hmmm.... how does a guy get a nickname like that. He broke his femur bone playing football, and was in a cast and on crutches for almost an entire year. Mom and Dad went to the same high school, but never met till college. Mom, always heard of this, "Tor" but never thought him to be her type. Oh, if she only knew...10 kids later. HA!

Dad went to Rockhurst College to get his Teaching Degree. He played Rugby, and we will sum that one up short. My sister's played Rugby in college. I know how WILD they are, and Dad wasn't any different.

Dad was always athletic. One thing he loved to do was lift weights though. He competed for several years in the 127lb weight class for power lifting, and still holds records for his weight class to this day, I think. He doesn't speak to much of it, but if I do remember correctly he broke the most records in 1980, the year I was born. No BD. He may just tell me that to make me feel good, but I'll take it. HA. I don't know if these figures are quite exact, but his max on Bench Press, was 280, squat 410 and Dead lift was 480. I may have some of those numbers mixed up, but they are pretty close. And those numbers seem somewhat pretty amazing to me. He was invited one year to Olympic trials in Colorado for power lifting, but never made it. I asked him about it the other day, and he didn't really explain why. Sometimes I wonder if it had anything to do with the three or four kids at home, and possibly a pregnant wife. He still laughs and talks to this day about his many competitions he would enter, and they were held in prisons. I will be adding pictures of some of these tournaments. My favorite pose is of him doing the Dead lift and the entire room is watching him. Pretty Awesome.

On a side note, Dad has a crooked nose. This is from the three times he dropped the bar on his face while doing the bench press. Note to any weight lifters-ALWAYS Have a spotter. Which also reminds me, Dad had his own weight room in the house. Who do you think were his spotters?! The kids of course. When we were younger, one of us would stand on each side. When Dad took the bar to do his reps, we pulled in the spotting bar, and we had to do it fast too, so Dad wouldn't get hung up on it. Then when he was done(he would always try to let us know how many he would try for), pop those bars back out so he could rest the bar again. Remember that like yesterday. HA! The scary thing was, when we had to help a nudge, MAN your heart would race! What if Dad couldn't make it?! But for some reason he always did when we were there. And we had to focus, no wandering of eyes. It was always funny to see him try to get Mom to spot him. She HATED doing it. She is such a worrier, and I think would have a small heart attack each time thinking Dad could drop the bar on him. Now the kids, we liked helping Pops out.

One last thing about Dad, which makes him a man I admire so much. He loves us and Mom sooooooo much! And we know it. When one of us got sick you could see the look of hurt in Dad's eyes. He was always the first one to buy us candy or a book when he couldn't think of anything else to make us feel better. The look of "helplessness" couldn't be better if you drew a picture of my Dad's face when I was about to head into the operating room for my hip surgery. I never saw my Dad look so scared in his life. And he was the strongest man I knew. He cannot stand to see Mom or any of us children or grandchildren in pain.

The day we were at the ER with Ben when he burnt his hand on the oven. They arrived in minutes. Dad was the first to come in. He has this calming look about him when you are in pain. You know his heart is reaching out to you. He saw my emotional pain, and the horrible pain Ben was in. The support to have Dad there in a trying time is one thing I am most thankful for. Even though you can see he is a nervous wreck he is there to protect his children, wife and grandchildren. I have never seen Dad in more of a loss than when it comes to Mom though. HE HATES seeing her in pain. It is so hard for him. Especially after Mom had Charlie, the youngest. It was a very rough labor, and very hard on Mom.

And as I have grown, I have learned so much from my Dad. I get my hardworking, perseverence, and caring personality from him. He taught me to always rely on yourself, never give up, and love till you feel you can't love anymore.

So, thanks Dad, wouldn't change having you as a Father for anything. I am certain every one of your children would say the same thing.

Discipline

At times, I feel like I am at such a loss when it comes to disciplining Benjamin. And it is outright exhausting. Everyone has stressed to me make sure to be consistant, and that is exactly what I am doing. But I don't feel we are gaining any grounds. He is still pulling hair and hitting on a daily basis. Timeout has become me holding his hands to the wall, and making sure he faces it. He has learned that isn't fun, but I am not quite certain he connects it with the bad choice he made. I also hate doing it. I feel like a may be being too rough with him, but I really don't know what else to do. I know hitting back isn't good. I have heard spanking isn't effective till he gets older.

I praise him when he does something good, and he catches on to that very quickly. Especially, now throwing things in the trash. I just have to watch what he throws away, and make certain it is trash. He helps me pick up his toys, and loves to take a cloth or towel and get on his hands and knees and clean the floor. He helps wash dishes and scatter laundrey. Well, the laundrey thing isn't much help. HA! His favorite thing to do is use the broom. Not really much sweeping going on, but he has the most determined look on his face when he does it. Notice, the dishwashing picture in the last entry, I think the open mouth helps him do his job better. haha!

Ben is really a good boy, but he is the most spiteful child I have ever been in contact with. He knows when he does something bad, but he looks at you like, "Mom, I can't help myself." When he pulls my hair I literally have to pry it free. He does understand when he gets scolded sometimes, but not always. I try to be very attentive and patient explaining to him "WHY" he shouldn't do what he did. Not just because it is "WRONG" or "BAD."

It is very trying, and all I know is to keep doing what I am doing. So, if anyone has any more ideas please feel free to comment. Oh, and if you want give me some props if I am doing anything right! Right now, I need the uplift. I REALLY don't want my child to become a holy terror, if you know what I mean.

Fall Days! Just hanging around.

Neat picture Jake took while we were sitting waiting for the family take!

Family Photo op! I thought this turned out to be a pretty awesome picture. Especially, since Jake had set it up and it took on the automatic timer.

Check out the rainbow. We didn't even notice it till we looked at the pictures on the computer.

Photo opportunity, then Ben decides to shove an entire graham cracker in his face! Of course!

Gonna get those flies! He is alwasy good at slapping the flyswatter around. He watches me do it, and thinks it is hilarious.

Ben is such a good helper when it comes to dishwashing. Granted, water somehow gets EVERYWHERE, but he really likes to help out.

Cuddling with Mugsy!

Bean is a sesame seed

Reading about the devolpment at five weeks is pretty amazing. My body is working overtime to get this baby devolping. The brain is the big works this week along with the spinal chord. Two very important parts of the body, I might add. The umbulical chord is doing its work along with the placenta. So crazy to think all of these things are going on in my body. Folic acid is a very important supplement to be taking even when you are trying to get pregnant. This helps prevent neural tube defects and spina bifida in Bean. So, really odd that I started taking it right after my annual check up about 4 weeks ago. God was looking out. Anyhow, some major babymaking going on which will only continue for the next 9 months, but I am up for the job. Babycenter.com compared him to the size of a sesame seed and kind of looking like a tadpole. No BD. You'll grow out of that phase kiddo.

Benjamin is 14 months tomorrow.

Wow, how has he grown. He has been doing so many things that I keep meaning to document. First, when we ate at Macaroni Grill on Monday, they have a paper over the table that kids can color on. He was all over it, still working on his coordination with the color. But he was scribbling!!! I thought that was really amazing.

Also, the boy loves to blow kisses. Any time we say goodbye to someone, he puts his hand to his mouth/face, and kind of looks like he is slapping himself, but really he is blowing kisses.

He has become quite fond of pushing things around the house. The first thing would be this laundrey basket.



Last night he went on to start pushing the pack n play that I put up. At one point he had blocked Mugsy in the hallway by pushing it across the room against the doorway. It was pretty funny to watch. Reminded me of the time when he first started crawling and was using his head to try to push the pack n play out of the way.

He says, "done" when he is done eating in his high chair. That one was hard to catch because he is always using the syllable "dadaddadaddundun" when he jibber jabbers.

He loves walks in his stroller. He is such an observer, and now waves at the cars as they drive by. Such a friendly little guy.

Oh, and high fives all the time, to complete strangers. At Church last week I think he gave everyone behind us like five high-fives each.

And the things he's learned that we are trying to un'learn'. Pulling hair, hitting, and yes, he bit Jake and I the other day. Not hard, but hard enough for him to get in BIG trouble. When Dad, used a stern voice with him, Ben knew he wasn't playing and put the saddest face on ever, just before he melted down like he was dying.

Time out does NOT work at this stage. He thinks it is a big game. When I place him facing the corner he turns his head and smiles and looks right at me. I even try to make him place both hands on the wall to keep him facing straight ahead. It is so hard not to laugh when he is looking at you and he is supposed to be in trouble. Then when I let him up, he walks back over to the corner and lays against the wall, like, "Look at me, I am over here again!" He hasn't quite learned it is supposed to be punishment. So for the time being I am not quite sure what to do with disciplining, and if you have any ideas throw them my way.

Great weekend ahead. Hanging out, and not a whole lot going on. My kind of weekend. Happy Friday everyone.

Ben got a shirt that says......

On August 28th, actually my best friends birthday, I decided to buy three pregnancy tests at Dollar General(Ladies, they are only a dollar!) to prepare for the months of ahead when Jake and I planned on trying for another baby. I decided to use one, knowing that I was supposed to have my monthly friend come any day. Figured I would use this one, and still have two left for the future months. I did have a very weird feeling before taking it. Ya know all the "what if's" go over and over in my head, but I was assured I was not pregnant yet. We weren't even trying, and that would be too easy. With Ben we tried for four months.

Well, God decided it was time. He had other plans than Jake and I. So, I took the test at work. After a minute it looked negative, I sighed not really happy or sad, but figured it to be negative anyways. I went to lunch and came back. I decided maybe I should look at the results one more time, JUST in case. Remembering with Ben it took several minutes for the first test to show postitive. Well, low and behold, TWO lines and a positive test. My heart at that moment leaped into my chest. I literally couldn't breathe for a moment. Tears came to my eyes. I immediately said a prayer. It was like instinct. Dear God protect this baby inside me, and help it to grow healthy and strong. I even think I called "him" baby bean in that first hour, so I am pretty sure this will be the nickname from here on out. The tears were of anxiety, excitedness, and yes, Scared! Ben and baby bean were going to be less than two years apart. OH MY! How could I handle that?

I called Jake once I gathered myself together. I said, I am sending you a text, and DON'T say anything when you get it. He was at work at the fire station. He says, "uh okay". He could tell the anxiousness in my voice, and knew something was up. I send the picture of the positive test, and he texts back...."Hmmmmmm" --Pretty certain I caught him by surprise. But, I won't lie, I really 'wanted' more than that! A few minutes later he texts me to say, "i have axious and scared feelings." Right here in the same boat, hon. haha. Well, he was at work busy, and couldn't really say much. We were both pretty blown away.

I sat at my desk for several minutes looking on in a daze. I figured it would be about the end of May our little one would come. Looked at the "ovulation calendar" wondering How I messed up on my "days". Then went straight to the Baby Develpment Calendar on baby center.com to see exactly where bean was at in development. Just in cellular division and implantation.. Really only two weeks/maybe three I guess, from conception day. I really don't know.

WOW! Reminding myself, I am pregnant. And, I actually took five tests just to make certain. ha!

The next thought is, "Ben is going to have a brother." As I was taking the test, I was thinking a girl, but as soon as I knew it was positive, I 'felt' boy! So we shall see. Every single waking/sleeping moment I remind myself, "Baby" which puts me on my health track. Back to all my multi-vitamins with Essential Fatty Acids, Calcium, Iron, and Folic Acid. And the wonderful soy protein shakes I have been drinking every morning since Friday. My first thought was wait till the end of the month to let everyone know. Each minute that passed, I was so anxious to share the wonderful news.

So, Sunday after Church we went over to Grandma and Papa K's house with Ben wearing a shirt that says, "Big Brother." Took them both a second. My Dad saw it first, and paused then said Congratulations, and put a blessing on my forehead. Ben had just awaken from a nap and had his clueless, tired, leave me alone, look on his face. But the shirt said the rest. Ha. Mom was coming up the steps, and we were standing at the top. I said, look at Ben's new shirt. She looked and said the words then screamed in excitement. Gave me a big hug and then Jake too.

Uncle Charlie kept saying to Ben, "aren't you excited to have a big brother" Even he thinks he is going to have another nephew.

We had just talked a couple hours before about switching out bunkbeds with Mom and Dad for a queen bed that we have at home....when a new baby comes.... Mom quickly reminded me saying, I guess you are gonna need those bunkbeds sooner than you thought. HA!

There is always the fear of being able to afford a new baby and it's coming. By the fifth day when I wrote this, I was filled with the uptmost excitement and still am. Ben, my sister Katie and I went for a morning walk last weekend on labor day, and I could barely hold my excitement in.

I had a friend(Jesse) explain the love for a child once to me before I ever had Benjamin. And another friend(Lori) talked in her blog about the future and how a person could have love for TWO children. I always wondered the same after having Ben. How could I share this love I have for Benjamin? As soon as the moment I was pregnant, and as a natural feeling as ever, it was like my love multiplied. I felt as though I would explode with all these feelings and love I felt.

Ben is going to be in for quite the surprise, but he is really going to be such a good big brother! It may still be sinking in for Jake, but pretty sure it is going to hit him like a bull-dozer at birth, just like it did with Ben. Both of us broke down almost collapsing the first time we saw each other in the hospital room alone after Ben was delivered. I remember Jake didn't want to leave our sides. He went home the second night we were at the hospital, and said he couldn't sleep, and was up all night. Thinking about getting back to us. Waiting for the alarm to go off so he could leave for the hospital. If I remember correctly, he ran several errands before getting back in our room and was there at 7am.

We have created two miracles together. God has given us this chance. I want nothing more than another healthy baby. God take care of us.

As I sat and wrote this, Benjamin was napping, and I remember wondering. How did this happen? WELLL....... haha! We know how this happened, but really why are we so blessed. I have never been more thankful in my life, and am overwhelmed. I already have felt this pregnancy is a little different. I don't remember feeling so bloated or aloof, or in awe. But I am pretty sure I was. I guess you really do forget a lot of things. It feels like yesterday I was pregnant with Ben, but it was 14 months ago.. They are going to be 14 months apart. Crazy! Soooo much more to write in time...............

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Labor Day Lazy Weekend Random photos

Mama needs to set up someone an appointment for a haircut!

Playing with a stick. Funny how random things like that keep him very occupied.

Running around the house with my pants on my head.

Still pants on head. You will notice that many pictures Ben will not be wearing a clean shirt, unless I just put it on him, and well this was the end of the day.

Rice Milk and a visit to the Chiro.

So we are trying some alternative routes to fix Ben with his constant ear infections. I really am sick of putting him on antibiotics only to calm, but never cure the EI. So, tubes right now, I don't want to think about. Especially when the doctor mentioned that approximately 50% of children, it doesn't help, and another 50% of those same children they fall out and have to be put in again. I AM NOT saying that tubes are a bad idea. If they work, then that is awesome. I am also very scared about putting Ben under anasthesia again. The experience of him being put out for the debreding of his right hand from the second degree burns was horrible. I was holding him down screaming, and then all of a sudden his eyes roll back in his head and he goes limp. Give me shivers thinking about it. I KNOW this would not be the case for the tubes, but someone would be holding him down before he passed out. So, we are trying some alternative routes for our little guy. Number one, after his spinal adjustment at the chiropractor on Friday, he did awesome. Instead of being one stuffy mess, his nose began to drain. They adjusted his atlas and axis, two vertebraes that directly affect ears and sinuses.They also muscle tested him for allergies. They found that is likely allergic to dairy and soy milk. So, that leads us to the rice milk. Which really doesn't taste too bad at all. He has been on that for four days now. He is still draining quite a bit and still has a cough, but we go back tomorrow for another boost. I can't wait.

One thing I know for certain is that it really has helped. For the first times ever Benjamin slept in on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday til at least 7:15, but Saturday and Monday morning he slept in till 8am. CRAZY! It was heavenly. I don't remember that Ben has ever done that, especially several mornings in a row. We have let him stay up till b/w 8:30 and 9pm, where as he usally is in bed asleep by 8, but I really don't think that has affected it. Mainly, because there are always nights sometimes, that he may not get to sleep till 9 or so, but still would wake up at 5:30 or 6. So, this has really been wonderful. So, that is a quick update there.