hoping4family

It’s hard to imagine that my little peanut, N, is 9 months old today.  That means, it’s been 18 months since he was conceived, give or take.   Several months before that we started the adoption process, leaving treatment behind.  But now, we are thinking about it again.  We have our two frozen embryos in CO…two blasts.  Now we have to start thinking of it again.

We have a regroup with Dr. Sch next week.  The whole idea of this seems so foreign to me, but at the same time, seems all to familiar.   We will have to talk about the cycle details, my anatomy, the travel logistics (which get more complicated with an infant in tow).    I talked to a nurse last week who said that I may need to get an ultrasound or HSG in CO.  I said, “I just had one after I had a fibroid removed, which was after I gave birth, wouldn’t that suffice?”.  She said he usually likes to do his own work.  So, I have to anticipate that he may want me to fly out there for that prior to the transfer…or at least maybe we could do a contingent transfer, contingent on a good US prior to the transfer.  I will have to start thinking of a natural or medicated FET, whether to transfer 1 or 2,etc.  It just all seems foreign to me.  I’m curious to see what Dr. Sch thinks considering that we had a natural conception after all those failures.

I’ve spent the last 9 months thinking about feedings, pumping, storage, sleep cycles, sleep schedules, solid food introduction, milestones, teaching, loving, and entertaining the baby…etc.  I can’t imagine focusing on something else, other than N. 

Also, I’ve always had these 2 frozen embryos in the back of my mind…”well, maybe if not this cycle” or “maybe once we get the adoption process started, while we wait, we could try those”….”maybe one of them will be our miracle”.   Now that I have N, it is definitely different, but I still want one or both of these embryos to flourish and develop into a baby.   However, I know all too well that chances are it will not work….it has not worked before, even with chromosomally normal embryos. 

I wonder how I would feel if they don’t work and we are “done done”.   I can picture how I think I would feel, but you don’t know until you’ve gone through it. 

On a lighter note, my little peanut wants to “walk” everywhere.  He doesn’t seem to have any use for crawling.  He sat up unassisted very early and has been walking around, with my help of course, for weeks now, but he doesn’t want to crawl.  It’s funny.  My DH and I were early walkers, so we’ll see.  Here’s a recent picture of him…

Other than this stuff, my Mom gifted her beach house to my brother and I.  We are buying him out of it, so we’ll be taking on that responsibility very soon.   We rent to students during the school year and weekly in the summer.  It’s right near the beach (5 min walk).  We’ll be taking one of the weeks for our first family vacation this summer.  I can’t wait!!! 

Hope everyone is doing well.  It’s been slow here in blogland for me.  I am torn between what to do with my blog, however, I figured I’d keep it going until our family is pretty much set.  Right now, I just have no idea what will happen in the next year or so.  So, if you feel like it, please follow along for the ride!  😉

Happy New Year everyone!   I hope 2013 brings you everything you are looking for!

Things are going well here.  I like being a stay at home mom.  I changed my profile on Linke.din to be “Stay at Home Mom (on hold from Senior Process/Project Engineer at…)”.  It’s funny, as a result, I got several emails from people who didn’t know we had the peanut.  I really don’t miss work yet.  I’m so busy with the boy and keeping up with stuff around the house.  I don’t know if that will change, but for now, I’m happy.   I do miss the socialization and the “you done good” pats on the back, however, my best friend, Mom, SIL, etc, are all home, so my days/weeks are full.

We worked through a little period of sleep issues through the holidays.  The peanut, whom I will call N to make it easier to type, was waking 1-2 times through the night, after having been a 9p-7a straight sleeper.  It was either teething, his helmet (we did get the helmet, by the way, for the flat spot on his head…it’s going well), his development stage, or from starting solid foods.  Through process of elimination, we feel it was gas/digestion that was waking him.  Once I stopped the oatmeal and rice cereal and veggies he went right back  to sleeping through the night.  I’ve started him with bananas and squash, only in the morning, and only a little bit (about 1 tbsp with breast milk) and all seems ok.  He has the gas, but he gets it out before night time.  We are getting him to bed around 8-830a now, too.  I’m going to try pears next, then avocado.   He’s on Poly.visol now because he’s not getting the cereal.  I figured we should start the cereal back up in another few weeks.  I wonder if it’s because he was 4 weeks early.  Anyone else have issues like this…what did you do?

He sits up really well on his own and is ahead in many milestones, such as passing objects between hands, etc, however, he doesn’t seem to want to roll over from back to front!  I am patiently waiting for this so I can feel better about letting him sleep on his belly for naps.  I don’t do it at night, but sometimes for naps I do so he can go down faster, with less of a fight.  (Edited to add>>>  I guess all I have to do is write or talk about it….he rolled over back to front on Saturday!  Yay, little peanut, you made Mommy and Daddy proud!)

At night we do a little time in his room of quiet play, then bath, book, bottle from DH (still pumped BM, no formula) or breast feed from me of course, and finally bed.  But, he goes down asleep most nights.   I know we have to work on putting him down awake at night.  I usually do that for naps and he cries a bit, but if I roll him on his belly, he’s fine.  We can’t do that at night.  So, I may have to Fer.berize him or something.  The thing that bothers me is this process (bath through bed) takes about 1.5 hrs.  Does that seem normal to you?  Sometimes he takes 8 oz from the bottle and screams like he still wants more, so I have to go feed him…sometimes that extends it to 2 hrs total time.   I think that he really just wants me and isn’t really still hungry.  This is where Fer.ber would come in. 

I still can’t believe that he is here.  That he is mine.  That he came from me.  My doctor thinks it was a miracle.  Speaking of doctor, I don’t have to get any more fibroid material removed.  My uterus is good to go.  So, we are starting to think about what to do next.  We still have 2 embryos at CCRM, one untested, one tested.  We’re thinking of trying maybe in May.  I’m not at all confident in that process because it never worked before for me.  I think my body has a problem with too many hands in the broth.  We’ll see.   I sometimes look at him and it breaks my heart to think he will likely not have a brother or sister, but then I think that we could try the adoption path.  I told myself I’d give myself until January to think about this stuff, giving myself a break from the heavy thinking, but now it is time to start again.  I’m not getting any younger and neither is DH! 

N loves Daisy.  She can walk by and he instantly smiles and screaches like a terodactyl.  He is so funny with her.  They are like best buddies.

Here he is in his helmet…only 3 weeks and we see an improvement!  Hoping he doesn’t need it for long.  Most people look at ihis head now and think it’s good enough…we’ll see!  It’s corrective and preventative.  If he didn’t have it, it would get worse because his head would naturally settle on the flat spot while sleeping on his back.   After all the agony of deciding to get it or not, and the inital crying that I won’t be able to kiss his head as much as I do, I’m glad we got it.  I capitalize on the 1-2 hrs/day that it is off and kiss up a storm!!!   Still got to get those Bost.on Brui.ns decals!  We got him a jersey..too cute. 

Hello everyone! 

Just a short post today to wish you all hope.  Hope helped me live through my infertility.   Hope helped me get through the other difficult times in my life.  Hope is very useful.  I decided to look up the definition on wikipedia…

“Hope is the emotional state which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life.”

Whether you are hoping to become a Mom, to see a family member through a difficult diagnosis, to see your child overcome a difficulty in school, to find that special someone, or something else, I am wishing you that.  We’re wishing you that. 

…and a Merry Christmas!

A year ago, almost exactly, we conceived our son.  We had no idea where our lives were going, but we were working towards building our family.   We were about to hit the jackpot with a miracle conception that would decide to stick around and become our baby boy.  

I read my Halloween post from last year.  I don’t usually go back to those because it brings back the pain, but I decided to read that one.  I sometimes feel like it was yesterday and sometimes feel like it was all wiped away.  I feel so much for the women still fighting the battle.  My heart is with you.   I hope and pray that you will soon have your baby in your arms.

Sometimes I look at my son when someone else is holding him and think, “is he really mine?…yes, that baby is mine”  It’s still strange to me.  Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the day to day grind that I forget that this was a true miracle.   I tell myself to stop and smell the roses, so to speak, to be present and enjoy the time no matter how crazy it gets. 

The little peanut is 4.5 months old, is thriving, and is sleeping well.  He is in the 80%ile for length and weight.  He sleeps about 10 hrs straight at night (usually 9-10pm to 7-8am).  He has a good morning nap, then the rest of the naps are short cat naps (2-3 times during the afternoon and early evening).  He is almost sitting up on his own (very cute) and does well with tummy time.  He is also “standing”, pushing up on his feet when I pull him up from sitting.   He spits up a ton and creates a lot of laundry.  We call him “Sir Spits-a-lot”.  He is still exclusively breast fed (dr. says to start solids at 6 mos).  He is a happy little fellow. 

But…….he has a bit of a flat spot on the back of his head – right side.  I think it was from using the rock-n-play sleeper almost exclusively for sleep up until he was 9 weeks and also from the fact that he is such a good sleeper.  We had his head measured and he doesn’t qualify for a helmet, but one measurement is close.  So, we will go back in 4 weeks for a recheck and decide then.   Ever since I noticed it weeks ago, I started propping him up on his side for naps and at the beginning of his night sleep (until I go to bed) and have recently started to have him on his belly for a few naps.  I’ve ramped up tummy time and don’t take him in the car seat or stroller for very long.  I am borrowing a friend’s carrier and using that for walks, etc.  Basically, I’m trying to do everything I can to keep him off the back of his head until the next measurement.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.

We had a fun time last week with Halloween.  We didn’t suffer much with Hurric.ane San.dy (lost power for 1.5 days).  Here’s what we were…as you can see from my costume, I didn’t have enough time to come up with a really good costume for the peanut.  He’ll have a better showing next year!!! 

Hope you are all well.  Thanks for still checking on me and for posting your comments.

First, the answer to the question in my last post’s title is YES….it is a fibroid.  They got part of it out 2 weeks ago.  I got put under and had outpatient surgery.  They took out the part that lost its blood supply and that was trying to come out, but the base was too big and my uterus is still too thin.  So, I go back in a few more weeks for an exam and we have plans to have it removed completely in Dec. 

Time Segments

That’s what our family life consists of now….short time segments of feeding/eating, playing, and sleeping.  I have always been a busy person, always doing something, not much couch time.  But, I am still adapting to being a new mom.  When the peanut is up after feeding I try to really engage him and teach him different things, take him outside, etc.  So, that leaves only his sleeping time for me to get things done.  I’ve heard this gets worse as they get older and start crawling/walking.   It would seem that I could get so much done being home all day, but I really can’t. 

I am in the process of refining my ability to prioritize.   Here’s what I want to do today:  pay bills, organize papers, laundry, make apple pie, cook fish for dinner, upload pictures to shutt.erfly and get some printed, set up my DH’s new digital photo frame that I got him for his birthday, finish a few more thank you cards, order some accessories for the nursery, etc.  What I want to do and what will get done are completely 2 different things.  I’m not complaining at all, don’t get me wrong…I’m just working through getting better at prioritizing.  Maybe if I wear my sneakers I can run to my next task and get things done even faster?  

We are still working on a daytime routine and I think once that gets more predictable things should improve.  My best friend has 4 kids and I used to wonder why she would always eat standing up, on the go to the next thing, and I can see why now. 

Even though we are still adapting, I wouldn’t change any of this for the world!

@#$% the laundry, I’m going to go make that apple pie!

Hello everyone – long time no post.    I hope everyone is doing well.

I had to go in for a procedure yesterday.  I had been having a strange discharge over the last week.  I went to the doctor and the nurse practitioner thought I had an infection and put me on a vaginal gel, but she also noticed something coming through my cervix.  She asked me to see my OB.  So, I did.  She tried to pull at it in the office but couldn’t get it out and then said she needed to evaluate it in the OR.  She said it was definitely part of me and not something left over from my c-section surgery and that it had no blood supply.

I went to the OR yesterday for the procedure.  My DH took me and my Mom watched the little peanut.  I was under general so I didn’t feel a thing.   They think it is a fibroid that my body was/is trying to deliver.   They took out part of it, but didn’t go to the base since my lining was thin.  The OB told me DH to think of it paper meche over a ballon…they got the paper mache out to help relieve the dilation in my cervix (trying to pass it) but the balloon part, attached to my uterus will have to wait.  I have to go back in 4 weeks to meet with the OB and probably will have an ultrasound then.  They send the tissue out to be analyzed and we should have the results in a few weeks.

I noticed it’s weird how I haven’t obsessed about this, haven’t scoured the internet, am not anticipating the 4 month appointment.  I think it’s because this is solely about me.  Not that I don’t care about myself, but it’s not impacting the peanut.  I’m more worried about the anesthesia and have since pumped and dumped twice even though they said I could do that if I wanted to be over conservative. 

Speaking of pumping, it seems my milk supply has regulated to what he eats.  I think there may be an issue going on though, now that he sleeps for 6 hrs straight at night.   I used to pump 7-8 oz with two breasts for 15 mins, now it’s more like 5.   The baby had been gaining 2 oz/day and he’s at 70% for weight (yes, you wouldn’t know he was 4 wks early), but I surmise he’s gaining a little slower now.  That would be ok because they say 1 oz/day gain is good.  So, we’ll see.  Again, see how I’m more obsessed about this than this mass that my body is trying to deliver?

The peanut is doing very well.  He’s smiling and giggling now and is trying to talk to me.  He found his voice a few weeks back.  He mainly talks to me and sometimes my DH and my Mom.  He was baptized a few weeks back.  We’ve been getting him out more, here and there.   We went  to an outside shopping mall a few weeks back and ate outside at Appl.ebe.es and DH and I took him to get clam cakes and chowder and eat by the rocks (got some great family photos there!)  Here are a few recent photos of him…

…hanging out with Daddy

…dancing with Mommy to Orange Crush (I prop him up and move his hands and feet to the music)

 …all dressed up and nowhere to go in my tuxedo onesie from Grammy (notice Daisy in the background – she loves him and always participates)

I don’t know why, but there’s just something about this little onesie…it’s one of my favorites.   The little peanut loves it, too.  This picture is from a week and a half ago.  He’s still growing like a weed.  He weighed 11lbs12oz last Friday, so I bet he’s over 12 lbs now.   He was 8 weeks old yesterday.

We are still working on the nursery, but here’s a shot of the side with the crib and mural.  I LOVE the mural.  Although it was a painstaking process, it was worth the wait.  My chair is on the other side of the room, so we can sit and look at the mural.  This will be good for making up stories, playing “can you find the…”, etc.  We also have a little turtle night-light (on bureau in picture) that puts stars on the ceiling….it’s perfect because there is a turtle in the pond and it makes the mural look enchanting at night. 

My little love is smiling now and I think I got the first laugh yesterday.  So precious. 

Still need to get to that birth story…oy vey!

Did I ever go through sleep training?  I doubt it.  My mom was 26 when she had me and had a little toddler, my brother, running around at 9 months (we both walked early).  She didn’t read books.  She just nurtured.

Why do I feel so much pressure that by 6 weeks our little bundle of joy needs to be in some sleep training program? 

I know it will only help us in the long run.  We long for the 7-8 hrs sleep we used to get.  But, it seems like an insurmountable task.  Plus, there are so many opinions out there, running the gamut between “cry it out” to baby directed sleeping using props/aides to make them sleep. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not complaining…I just feel a bit overwhelmed.  I think we will be somewhere in between.  I’m about to read Baby.wise and may order one that Cassie recommended, too, called “Hea.lthy S.leep Ha.bits He.althy Ch.ild.    My SIL said she read both and used what she thought was good from both books.   A few other people also recommended Baby.wise. 

Right now he is in his little Rock-and-Play sleeper (which I love) in the next room, sleeping away after a good feeding.  Per Babywis.e he, should be playing for a bit after feeding prior to sleep (my bad?).  He’ll get his bath when he gets up and we’ll drag the rock and paly thing upstairs because he seems to like it much better than the bassinet.  He is a bit stuffy and is starting to spit up a bit, so it seems to help him.  My ped says it’s ok for him to sleep in there.  In a few weeks we’ll transition to the crib (I think?). 

I am a nervous nelly.  I wish I wasn’t.  I’ve called my ped and the “war.m lin.e” that is offered by my hospital (nurses on call to answer any baby or mommy related questions post partum) several times.  Since the stuffiness and grunting (trying to clear) is bothering me, we may take him to have his lungs checked tomorrow.  

It’s funny, as you all know, I spent so much time thinking about staying pregnant and about the health of my baby that I didn’t spend much time preparing for actually being a mom.  I know it will come in time.  I know that I will do well.   It’s just new territory and I want to make sure I’m doing the best I can for my son.  

In between the worry and sleeplessness, we get our moments.  The moments that fill my heart with such love.  This morning I was singing to him while holding him and he looked so relaxed, contented, and was smiling at me.  Maybe he’s trying to say, “Mom you are doing ok”

Edited to add:  just noticed I hadn’t posted since he was 2 weeks….he’s almost 5 weeks (on Tue) and is growing and gaining weight well.  At his 4 wk appt last Mon he had gained 3 oz/day on average from the last time.  He was 8 lbs 6 oz.  I bet he is well over 9 lbs now.   We are taking him in today to have the stuffiness checked so we’ll see then.

Hi…I have yet to get to that birth story.  I want to document it for the peanut, too, so I know it will get done sometime, hopefully before he is 1!

He has been gaining quite well…he was 6lbs 12 oz yesterday, gaining 2 oz/ day on average this last duration between weigh ins.  So, he must be getting enough milk.  In fact, I think I have too much milk.  I’m pretty much exclusively feeding off the breast.  I had to pump in the hospital because he had some latch issues then and was loosing too much weight (and also because of the slight jaundice he had).  I pumped the other day when I went to the hair dresser.  I pumped the other night just to empty out.  I get about 4-5 oz for 2 breasts over 15-20 mins.  My docs and the Warm Line nurses say it’s great….so, I’m happy with that.  I just wonder if my milk lets down too fast.  Sometimes he cries just before a feeding and I wonder if he is thinking, “here we go again, get ready for a flood”.  He’s eating every 2-3 hrs and at night I’m trying to extend the duration but have only gotten him to 3 hrs.  From what I hear, this adjustment period takes a while as he and I are getting used to the process. 

He’s also grown to 20.25″ from 18.5″ at birth and his head is growing well.  The ped is happy with everything, so that gives me comfort. 

Sleep….how I wish.  We had a good night last night where I got 3 2-hr naps and I felt refreshed today.   The night before was horrible…I was up ALL NIGHT.  I think he was/is going through a growth spurt and/or was cluster feeding.   Every night I don’t know what I’m going to get.  I’m looking forward to a good 4-hr sleep.  We’re going to try a bottle feed at night with DH and I’ll pump early and go to bed early and hopefully between that and the next feeding I can get 3.5-4 hrs solid.  We’ll see.

My Daisy needs more of my attention.  DH still walks her everyday.  He was home with me until today.  He really took care of me and the house while home.  Gonna seriously miss that.  My Mom came over today to help and give me a break.   Friends, relatives and neighbors have been so generous, coming over with food and gifts for the peanut.  I can’t get in my yard.  My flowers, shrubs, and roses need my attention, but they’ll just have to accept that they will look good next year!

updated to add picture of daddy playing with the peanut and daisy mae getting in on the scene.  she loves her human brother.

Pictures from today…working on a more detailed birth story for my next post…