Appointment For Monday

First of all, I'm nine weeks pregnant.  A lot of people were wondering. I went in today and saw the on call doctor. My doctor was out of the office today. 

He compared today's ultrasound with Friday's, and it is looking so much better! The blood is almost out of me!!!! There is still a little black spot, which is old blood. There has not been any new bleeding. He said that hopefully the rest of the old blood will make its way out. He also pointed to a white area that is old blood clotting up. He said that's what we want to see. The blood is reorganizing, and my body will hopefully absorb it in a few months. 

He looked at the ultrasound from a few weeks ago, and said " I don't know how the baby survived this"?! I replied, " There has been a lot of people praying." " That works," came from his mouth.

When I was getting ready for my day this morning, I felt the Lord all around me, and I felt healed. For the first time in this pregnancy and the pregnancy with Isaiah, I felt like a "normal" pregnant woman. I felt like the burden that has been consuming me, had been lifted off my shoulders. I have been repeating over and over to myself, BY HIS STRIPES I AM HEALED. I say each word slowly, to put power in my prayer. I feel fresh and renewed, I feel healed.

God is so good. We don't deserve anything that He has given us, which makes me even more thankful for what He has blessed me with. All I have is thankfulness right now. Please join me in praising Him, giving Him the glory, and believe in this miraculous healing. The doctors don't have words to explain this, nor will they ever. It is God, and God alone..........

Thanking the Lord,                                                                                                                                         Jenny

Good Appointment.....Later....Worrisome

I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday and it went pretty good. They did an ultrasound, which showed a beautiful healthy baby, and the blood was actually looking not as bad as it was two weeks ago! My doctor said, "how can I have you believe me when I say that everything is looking a little bit better"? I said that I could tell when I looked at the ultrasound. I was sooooo happy. I had asked her, "if this all turns out good in the end, will you call it a miracle"? She replied, "wouldn't you already call it one"? My answer is, yes!

I am going to have my blood checked every Thursday to make sure that the levels are doing well. She had also said that until the blood is completely gone, we have to watch and treat the pregnancy as if the worse could happen. That way we are prepared to handle the worse. I am so thankful for my doctor, she is a wonderful woman! After the appointment I called my family and a few friends and told them that things are looking up!

When I was getting ready to put the kids to bed and come write a new post about my appointment.....I started to have tons of blood come out me again. It was not fresh blood, but the blood that has been around the baby for the last month. I called the after hours number for an OB, and the doctor told me to go in and get checked because I'm considered a high risk pregnancy. My friend watched my boys and my husband took me to the hospital.

At the hospital, they started an IV and took blood to check my levels. Those were fine. The doctor took an ultrasound and said that the baby looked ok, and he could see all of the blood around the baby still. He told me that the blood that is coming out, is old, and unless I start having fresh red blood, to not be alarmed. My instructions are to call and make an appointment with my doctor on Monday.

I am praying that God is just taking that old blood out, and healing me. I don't know if that is the case though. I couldn't barely move this morning. I just pray that there is not new blood forming. I really can't take much more of this. I have had a few depressing days, but overall, I have tried to stay positive. I feel so worn.....like I am loosing a battle. I have complete faith in God, and that He will have His will be done. I believe deep within my heart that God is going to deliver and bless us in the end. I am just overwhelmed by the ups.... and.... downs.

I need some very strong intercession for this pregnancy and innocent baby. I am weak, but He is strong. Please God, take these chains of anguish from me. 

I thank God for all of your prayers and comments that bring me encouragement that is much needed during this testing time in my life. Please continue praying hard for this baby and my health.

Philippians 4:6                                                                                                                                               Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

~Jenny~

                                                                                                                                               

Mommy, Please Don't Cry... There Are No tears in Heaven

A lot of you are probably familiar with the book: Mommy, Please Don't Cry... There Are No tears in Heaven. I bought this beautiful book about four months ago, and it brings me a little bit of peace, and a whole lot of tears!!!  I really want it to be a part of my blog, so I am posting it to go along with my journey through the terrible loss of Isaiah. The focus of my blog: The loss of  †Isaiah Christopher Ross† and grasping for God's grace through it.

Mommy, Please Don't Cry... There Are No tears in Heaven                                                                      By: Linda Deymaz  

Mommy, please don't cry... a beautiful angel carried me here!

I met Jesus today, Mommy! He cradled me in His big, strong arms. He made me feel so happy inside.

Mommy, please don't cry... heaven is wonderful! Did you know the streets are made of gold? REAL GOLD! 

I have lots of friends, Mommy. We run and play, we giggle and laugh. I can't wait to show you my secret hideouts!

Mommy, please don't cry... when I fall it doesn't hurt! There are no tears in heaven.

I've met a man named Noah. He told me about his big boat, all the animals, and the very first rainbow. Have you heard of Noah, Mommy?

Mommy, please don't cry... we have lots of parties here; with streamers and hats, and the best chocolate cake ever!

When it's time to rest angels tuck us in, I never get scared Mommy, There is no darkness here! Jesus is the light of heaven.

Mommy, please don't cry... the angels are always singing. I love to sing with the angels! You'd be proud of me, I have a pretty good voice. I must have gotten it from you.

There is a river, Mommy, in the most beautiful garden you could ever imagine... and a huge tree with yummy fruit. The angels call it the tree of life. Mommy, it's so wonderful to be alive in heaven!

Mommy, please don't cry... sometimes I just like to be by myself. That's when I think of you.

Someday, Mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair... and once again, our hearts will beat together.

Mommy, please don't cry... I'll wait right here for you.

I Corinthians 2:9

But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

~Jenny~

Sweet Gift

My friend Lisa stopped by this evening to come and see how I've been doing. She brought me a little bag of goodies:) One of the things was a bookmark that had a poem on it, which I could not read right away, because it made me start crying:( It also had a bracelet that came with it, and the beads on it represent the things talked about in the poem. It has a cross at the end. I will put the poem at the end of my post.

Yesterday, I started hurting for my little Isaiah. I have been so wrapped up in my current health, everything else in my life has been put on the back burner. I was telling a friend the other day, how you have to take one hour at a time. It would be useless for me to try to do one day at a time. I feel like I have been riding a roller coaster for seven and a half months without being anchored in.

It seems so wrong to have to burry a child, let alone your own. Sometimes the thought of Isaiah in the ground is overwhelming. I just wish that I could hold him and protect him from the cold. I know that this is more my flesh talking, but being human, you still look at everything in the way it looks to the human eye. My little Isaiah is with our Lord. Someday, sooner than we realize, we will play and sing with our precious children. We will wrap our arms around them with such joy, and the word goodbye, will NEVER leave our lips again.

My heart hurts so bad. I feel so bad for Isaiah's life being cut short, for mine. As a mother, how do you get past this guilt? I figure that it is going to be there the rest of my life. The Lord knew that I would continue on, even when it hurts so badly. He knew that I would choose to give Him the glory, NO MATTER WHAT. I LOVE the Lord with all of my heart and soul. As I weep, He weeps with me.
He didn't have this happen to hurt me......He trusted that I would search Him out, fall on my knees, and bring Him the glory that is His. God is good!


(Poem)

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there.

I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond's gilt on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there,

I did not die.




† Jenny †

Completely Drained

That was quite the trip. Ten Hours! Here's what I got from the specialist:

Ultrasound still looks the same.

She thinks that the heartbeat looks kind of slow, but it doesn't mean a thing. I need to go get an ultrasound on Monday to see what the heartbeat is.

She made a little diagram showing me how everything looks inside my uterus. I had two c-sections with my last two healthy pregnancies, and she was telling me how scar tissue can grow up into the uterus after surgery. I do know that after Parker was born, my doctor said that there was a lot of scar tissue from my c-section from Devon. If the placenta implants by the scar tissue it can't connect all the way, and bleeds off into my uterus like it has this time and in my pregnancy with Isaiah.

She wants me on bed rest. NOOOOOOOOO:(  I'll do my best, but this it totally not me. I can't hardly sit through a movie. I'll do anything for my child, isn't that the truth!

Here's my thoughts on everything above:

IN GOD'S HANDS........................................

~resting in His grace~                                                                                                                                             Jenny

Trusting my Father

Tomorrow I'm headed down to Grand Rapids. I am very scared to hear what the doctor is going to tell me. How can this happen two times in a row? Well, it's no coincidence. God has a plan, and it's a really BIG plan. 

I think when you choose to trust in God, it's not going to be easy. It takes constant prayer for me to have peace with what is going on.

Yesterday, I had a meltdown in Parker's Readiness class. One of my friends had walked past me down the hall and asked me how I'm doing. She could tell by the way I couldn't hardly speak, that I was really struggling with everything. She new that I needed to talk to someone and  she followed me to Parker's class. I just lost it. She held me while I wept. I cried out saying that I don't know what God wants me to do.

I called and made another appointment to see my doctor that morning. I had so much pressure on my cervix  and I am so scared of dying from this condition. They had me come in at 10:00. The ultrasound showed that everything was still the same. I asked my doctor to be 100% honest with me. I said, "what do you think when you look at this ultrasound?" She said, "maybe a month". She said that we will discuss where to go from here, after we see what my doctor in Grand Rapids thinks about the situation. 

"It's in God's hands," was the final thing stated by my doctor about this baby and pregnancy.

What does it mean to trust God? 

To give your last dollars to someone in need..... knowing that God will provide?

To go through the same heartbreaking dilemma...... trusting God with the outcome?

I'm begging God for a miracle.

I never told the story of the rainbow. Here it is:

When I was in the I.C.U. the morning after Isaiah passed away, I made a few phone calls within a half hour.  This is how it went....................

Half hour away from the hospital, call to Caleb's grandma: "Phyllis, Isaiah died last night," .....

Phyllis sobbing, "There's a beautiful rainbow going across the sky right now while were talking Jenny."

Fifteen minutes later, my step-dad came to see how I was doing on his way to work: " I saw a rainbow when I was driving to the hospital."

Fifteen minutes after seeing my step-dad, I called my dad who was in Cape Cod, Massachusetts about fifteen hours away from where I was: "Dad, Isaiah's dead (weak voice), my dad was weeping telling me that he knows (I never got to talk to him before this phone call because of everything that was happening) he said " there's a double rainbow right now in the sky."

Now when you read that, you know that the rainbow is really significant to me. That's three people, in three spots extemely far from eachother, and they all see a rainbow in a half hour time frame! My sister Ashlee and I were talking about it a couple weeks after Isaiah passed away, and she said " Jenny, I know this is going to sound kind of stupid, but do you think God showed the rainbows that morning to let you know that this would never happen again?" Kind of the same way the God showed Noah the rainbow, making a covenant never to flood the earth again. I told her that I didn't think that was a stupid idea. 

At this point, I'm choosing to believe that God knew that I would "hang on to the rainbow" believing that the same thing will not happen again to me. 

This past weekend, when the doctors told me that I was miscarrying, I went in my room and prayed. "God you promised me, you promised that this would not happen again to me. I believe that this baby is not dead!" 

My baby is alive!

Through this, I believe that I am going to be tested inside and out, but I am choosing to believe that God WILL NOT let this happen again.

Please keep praying for a miracle. What a wondrous miracle it will be!

Ending with the my doctors words........"it's in God's hands"..........................................................

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Trusting my Father,

Jenny

Unbelievable

On Saturday (3-7-09) I started to bleed heavily, so my husband took me to the E.R. They started an I.V. and took a bunch of blood to make sure that my levels weren't going out of control like last time. Everything was stable.

My E.R. doctor called and talked to my O.B. He said that she new from my last appointment that the baby probably wasn't viable. She told him that I can go home since I was stable. He said that they usually want you to "pass" everything at home, and let your body do it naturally. I can't say that "flushing" my child down the toilet was really appealing to me!

My instructions were to go home and rest, drink plenty of fluids, and I can make an appointment on Tuesday to go and see my O.B. to make sure that " everything is out of my uterus."

Well, I stopped bleeding after I left the hospital. That's three and a half hours of heavy bleeding, and I never "passed" any tissue or blood clots that night or any of the days that followed.

I have written this paper out on 3-9-09 believing that there is life alive in me. I could feel that my child was not with Jesus.

I went in to my doctor this morning, and GUESS what................ The baby is alive!!!!!!!! A healthy beating heart!!!!!!

PRAISE GOD.....................
What an unbelievable miracle.

The HUGE concern right now is that I am bleeding and clotting worse than I was in my last pregnancy. My doctor is concerned that I will get D.I.C. again and possibly loose my life. I am traveling down the same road that I was less than a year ago, with greater concern than last time! I go to Grand Rapids on Friday to see a specialist in prenatal care and find out if there is anything that they can do. My doctor thinks that I will still be left with two options.....termination or continued close watch on pregnancy. Option one is no option unless I'm on my death bed again!

God heard all of your prayers. He saw your faith. The baby is alive. That's what we prayed for. Now, call everyone and tell of His miracle. Get on your knees and give Him the praise! He is an awesome GOD!!!! God is real, God is alive, God is with us!!!!

We need a miracle with this pregnancy and a good outcome. Please do as you did before and call everyone you know, pray on your knees, beg the LORD to have MERCY and GRACE with me and my family. There is great power in prayer. God wants to see our faith.

I am so scared!!!!

Thanks to all of you who continually pray for this whole trial that I have been walking through.

Nahum 1:7

The Lord is good,
A stronghold in the day of trouble;
And He knoweth them that trust in Him.

♥Jenny

New update: Three precious children with Jesus.(miscarried 3-7-09)

Update: Ultrasound Results

Job 23: 10-12

But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.
My foot has held fast to His steps,
I have kept His way and not turned aside.
I have not departed from the commandment of His lips;
I have treasured the words of His mouth
More than my necessary food.

I had my ultrasound this morning, and then my doctor came in to talk to me. " I don't know why this has to keep happening to you," was the first thing that she said to me. She showed me the ultrasound and all of the new blood clots that have formed since Monday. Then she went on to tell me......... that there was not a heartbeat.

She said that we should see one by now. Just to be 100% sure, she is having me wait one more week, and then go in on Friday to look for a heartbeat. If there isn't a heartbeat, I go into surgery that morning .

I did ask her if she thinks that I have a problem with my blood clotting properly. She said no, they tested me for all blood factors when I loss Isaiah. She said that because this has happened two times in a row, that the problem is in my uterus. Something in my uterus had been traumatized during delivery when I had my last healthy pregnancy.

This is a overwhelming day of sorrow for me. If you look at my post, " What would you call a blessing," it talks about why I wanted to have another baby. I have made the decision not to have anymore children. The steps to take care of that will be taken care of very soon. I will not play around with precious life.

(Now the tears start streaming down my face)

I wanted to hold my baby and rub it's soft head of hair on my cheek, whispering......" I love you."
Now....... those words will also be sent on angels wings.

I thank each of you that has kept me in your thoughts and prayers. Please continue to pray for my health as my uterus is continuing to bleed and clot. Thank you for walking this journey with me.

Thank you dear Jesus for carrying me through this valley.


Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding


♥Jenny

URGENT PRAYER REQUEST

This morning I got really bad cramps, to the point were I could hardly walk or sit down.  About an hour later the cramps were letting up, and then there was some pink spotting.

I called the doctor, and had an appointment at 1:00 this afternoon. My doctor was not in today, so I had to see someone else that is not familiar to the problems that I had in my last pregnancy with Isaiah.

While he was doing the ultrasound we could see the baby, and above it was a formation of a blood clot. It is about the size of a walnut, and it was not there last Tuesday, that's less than a week ago! He told me that all we can do right now is watch and wait. My doctor whom I usually see, told me last week that if there were to be a clot again in this pregnancy, she is going to be very concerned.

I go on Friday for another ultrasound to see what everything looks like, unless my doctor chooses to do so sooner.

I cannot even begin to tell you about the fear that this has put in me. It's like going through the pregnancy all over again with Isaiah. Unless God intervene and does a miracle, I fear that the same exact thing is going to happen with this baby and the chance of me dying. 

I am just going to be blunt; I CANNOT GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! 

I don't want to be knocking on death's door with myself and loose another child because my body seemed to forget how to take care of a baby in my womb.

Please pray hard. Pray on your knees. Call your friends. Call prayer warriors that you know. I know that God can heal, he saved me on August 3, 2008 the night I lost my son. He saved my oldest son who had a brain tumor in May 2007. May God show me and my family His grace and mercy straight from the throne room. Straight from His powerful hands. Straight from His word spoken against this hold on me and my family. 

PLEASE GOD

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

~Jennifer~