Here We Go Again

I went in for my regroup today and decisions have been made. Brian and I are moving forward with IVF #2. 

Dr. S talked me through the sad state of our embryos. All but one of our original ten frozen embryos were graded 4AA or 5AA. The other was a 4AB. It's a bit of a mystery as to why we have had such a dismal thaw rate since slow-frozen embryos should survive thaw about 85% of the time, not 50%. The embryo that we last transferred had about a 15% cell loss which also seems crappy for such a highly graded blast. He gave us about a 5% chance of success with our remaining two based on everything we've been through. That's so crazy to me because no one, not even our doctors and embryologists, thought we would end up here. We should have had success by now.

His recommendation is to do a fresh cycle with PGD. Since that doubles the cost, and because I'm (perhaps naively) not convinced that there's a major genetic problem preventing us from getting pregnant, we're going to move forward with a fresh IVF minus the PGD. (For those who don't know, PGD involves biopsying your embryos to look for chromosomal and genetic defects.) Next steps include a bunch of day three tests to check my egg health and an updated SA for Brian. When I was 28 and doing this the first time my AMH level was stellar at 6.3 and I had 29 resting follicles. My AMH was tested in January and somehow climbed to 7.5. Dr. S said that's pretty unusual, but hopefully indicates that I'll still have a good number next month. Our overall success last time with producing high quality blasts was considered extremely positive (his exact words were something like "we almost never see results like that"), so I hope 4.5 years of aging won't impact us too much. It's all so scary starting over. I really never thought it would come to this.

Now that there's some semblance of a plan started, I feel a little better. My goal is to enjoy the holidays while we take a forced break from actively trying. I really do love this time of year, and I fully realize how lucky I already am to have a son to celebrate it all with. I'm really looking forward to a full week off at Thanksgiving and two weeks at Christmas to spend lots of quality time with the fam. Gotta love the school calendar! 

Thank you to all of you who offered love and support on my previous post. This process sometimes really takes the life out of me, and this is the best place I have to vent. I'm sorry if anyone thought I was being too self-pitying and super annoying. I really have been a Debbie Downer lately. No fun. I'll be better, I promise.

Alone

That's exactly how I'm feeling right now. Along with a multitude of other equally shitty feelings such as angry, depressed, and hopeless.

There is nobody who I identify with at this point. No one who knows what I'm going through. I have no friends or family who are in my position. All of the bloggers I follow have passed me by or are trying to have their first (so who am I to complain to them?). I feel isolated from everyone in my life. Everyone around me tries to be supportive, but nothing anyone says can make me feel better. And often, what people intend to be helpful and supportive comes across as trite and clueless. You don't just know that "things are going to work out" unless of course you recently inherited a crystal ball or developed psychic powers. And in that case, please tell me when exactly they are going to work out because that would really help my sanity. The fact that I "already have Noah and he's so perfect" doesn't make me feel any better that we can't have another. Plus it makes me feel like you think I'm stupid for persisting through all of this garbage. I am positive that some people who read this and are still struggling to have their first think I am completely ungrateful. But I'm here to tell you, infertility feels just as awful the second time around. Actually for me this round has been far more difficult than the first because I was one of the lucky ones who succeeded right away. It set my hopes and expectations for another way too high. I feel like an idiot for ever being so confident in my ability to get pregnant. Humble pie tastes like shit.

I have been an absolute hot mess all week. I cried on Brian and I's date night on Thursday, so hard that I had to leave the restaurant while poor Brian flagged down the waitress to pay the bill. My 40 minute commute every day is pure hell. Nothing but time to just sit and feel sorry for myself and angry at everyone else. I also recently saw a pregnancy announcement that completely gutted me because the due date was my sweet girl's due date (a year later of course). So yeah, life kind of sucks right now. I'm hoping that maybe our consult on Wednesday will help me start to turn the corner here. I am truly miserable and totally sick of all of this. I wish I could handle it better or focus on the positive, but I'm just not in that place yet.

Beta

7.8

Obviously that's not good. I actually lost all hope by Monday and decided to test. I've never experienced such a lack of symptoms before. Unfortunately the test turned up positive from the HCG booster, but I knew that's all it was. I tested again on Wednesday to see if the line was fading and sure enough it was. I really wanted my level to be under 5 so they wouldn't make me repeat it Monday, but they gave me the option either way so I stopped my meds. 

At this point, I've pretty much lost all hope for FET. We have two frozen blasts remaining, but we've gone through 8 already and have nothing to show for it. There's no guarantee the last ones would even thaw. I'm ready to try one last shot at a fresh cycle, no matter what the financial situation turns out to be. My in-laws have been beyond generous funding all of our treatments thus far and I expect nothing more from them. We'll find a way. I would give up all kinds of "luxuries" for Noah, so I'm willing to do it for his future sibling, too.

Where's Your Head At?

Six days past transfer today. How am I feeling? In short, crazy. Which is typical. I'm going through all of the normal junk during the 2ww. I wake up in the morning feeling hot and sweaty and my chest aches and I think, "Maybe." Then I get the day started and within an hour I feel basically normal for the remainder of the day and I think, "Nope." After dinner when I'm exhausted from the day and this never ending cold, and my pants feel maybe a little tighter from dinner I think, "Maybe, but I doubt it." So about 5% of my day is maybe, 5% is maybe with doubt, and 90% is no way. Then I go to bed and wake up to do it all over again. Yippee.

Beta is still (you've got to be kidding me) 8 days away at 14dpt. Last time at the very same clinic I got my result at 9dpt. What's up with that? A nine day wait seems so much more reasonable, and much less crazy-inducing. My plan is to test Friday night so I have the weekend to either deal with bad news, or worry like an insane person about numbers. I hope I get to feel insane! No matter what, I expect the weekend to be difficult as it will be the one year anniversary of the shit ultrasound. Yuck.