It's More Than Just a Season

I love the Christmas season. The beautiful lights, the lovely music, the kindness of strangers, generosity and goodwill toward men, a turning of thoughts towards a tiny baby in a stable, and the man He grew to be. I love it. Christmas makes my heart happy.

Christmas Eve has been my favorite day of the year for as long as I can remember. As a child it meant sugar cookie decorating with cousins, a big family gathering, and that feeling of love that always seemed to permeate the air at Grandma Nora's house. As an adult it has been a day to enjoy the company of my siblings, parents and other family members. We have traditions of great food, laughter, music, joy and gifts. To be honest, I have forgotten most of the gifts I received as a child. I remember more the years when I worked hard to earn money to buy small (and frankly pretty lame) gifts for my extended family, or to make gifts for them. Being able to give a gift was always so much better than getting one, and I still feel that way today. I love giving gifts.

Christmas Eve was the pinnacle of every year. And that has not changed. It is still the day I look forward to the most every year. All the music, lights, gifts and other traditions seem to lead up to that day.

Two years ago, the week before Christmas, my kids got sick with the stomach flu. For the first time in over 40 years I didn't spend Christmas Eve with my parents and siblings. We stayed home, and while we went and saw my parents the next week to drop off and pick up gifts, it just wasn't the same. We weren't with everyone together. We missed my favorite tradition of the year. Instead we had a low key Christmas at home with our kids, Lysol and a lot of puke. It was probably my worst Christmas ever.

The next year came and I was even more excited for Christmas having missed it the year before. However, the week before Christmas our kids were sick with something else, and my uncle was being treated for cancer. Since he was immune compromised, we opted to cancel our plans to go home for Christmas. Then my uncle passed away, and I couldn't bring myself to go home for Christmas knowing that his death was what would have made it so we could be there. We spent a quiet Christmas at home, and I wrestled with sadness at the loss of my uncle.

Christmas just didn't seem like it was real without being able to celebrate with family. Over the years, I had put all my Christmas hopes and dreams into that one day, and when it didn't happen, it made the other joys of the season seem dim and dreary.

Last year, I had an opportunity to sing in a quartet at church on Christmas Day. My husband stood on one side of me, and one of my dearest friends on the other, and while we sang, I felt overpowered by clarity and joy. Christmas came into my heart again, and I was able to celebrate in that moment. Yes, I had missed my family celebration the day before, but all the hope and love that are Christmas were still there. It is so much more than the celebrations of one day.

This year, I have been extra reflective about what Christmas means and should mean to me, and I realized that I don't want Christmas to just be a season. Okay, maybe I don't want the cookies, candy and junk food to be a year round thing, and some of the music (Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree-to name just one) can go, but the carols to my King, can stay. The beautiful lights that turn my thoughts towards a star in the heavens can stay.  The feelings of kindness, generosity, HOPE. Those I want to hold on to all year. Lovely moments with family and friends, the giving of heartfelt gifts, the sharing of time, the smiles from strangers, and the love are the things I want to keep.

I hope that someday it will be said of me, as it was said of the fictional Scrooge from Dickens' A Christmas Carol, that I know "how to keep Christmas well", and that I will learn to keep it all year round.

Dreams and Ideas

I was reading my journal and came across this entry from May 10, 2017. I thought I would save it here.
Sometimes my thoughts spiral out of my head, expanding and filling up galaxies of possibilities. Some shoot across a dark sky, lighting their path for a brief moment, and others grow into constellations of plans, ideas, and introspection. I am not sure I will ever have the time, energy, or resources to explore the universe of my own mind, but the potential there is both thrilling, and frightening.
Yet daily, despite worlds and solar systems of thoughts and ideas, I am distilled into wasted moments of mindless nothing. Scrolling through social media, playing monotonous puzzle games, staring at the unfulfilling glow of a screen. The lights in the night sky of my mind are dimmed, ideas-lost or given up on, dreams-unexplored, inspiration-fading.
At the end of my life, what will the sum whole of me be? Will it be wasted potential? Will I have limited myself to one small planet of existence when I have always had endless space at my fingertips?
One moment, I want nothing more than to create, to breathe life and beauty into things. In my mind, there is vision, and once again-potential. Thinking about creativity, whether it be painting, burning, building, writing, or music, there is a thrill, a call, a completeness that I can't find in any other way. A creator is what I long to be. A Builder of Worlds, an Inspirer of Ideas, a Revealer of Visions. That is me at my core; or at least in my dreams.
The awful reality is that most of my time is wasted time. I can't even go a day without wasting the majority of my time. Just thinking about ideas is exhausting. It is so much easier to just give them up. Ideas. Dreams. Plans. Just keep on slogging through life until it is finally over. Sometimes it seems like it isn't the everyday monotony that is torture, but the dreaming of more.
Always, I am dreaming of more, yet I never do anything to pursue who I want to be. That is incredibly sad.
Even now, I can't do these thoughts any justice. I feel-so tired. My eyes and limbs are heavy and want only to sleep, and with sleep comes DREAMS.

It Isn't Disconnecting. It's Reconnecting.

We live in an interesting world. If you would have told me twenty five years ago that someday most people in developed countries would be walking around with computers in our pockets and incredible amounts of information at our fingertips at all times, I would have been very skeptical. And yet, here we are. We are very lucky to have almost instant access to knowledge, answers to questions, music, books, and other entertainment with just a few taps on our screens. I love that I can look up directions on how to fix things around the house, build furniture, cook a five star meal, and so much more. The sharing of knowledge via the Internet is amazing. It is also incredible that I can text a friend while she is on vacation with an ocean between us, and get a response within seconds. These are things that the upcoming generation takes for granted, but I can remember when the idea of things like that seemed like science fiction. I remember watching The Jetsons as a kid, and how cool I thought the video calls were. Now I Skype with my grown up kids. Isn't technology wonderful?

Technology has two sides, of course. Sometimes it sucks us in like a black hole. The relative anonymity of the Internet seems to bring out the worst in people. We have lost our patience and want instant access to everything. Who can possibly wait a week to see the next episode in a favorite show? We just find something we can binge watch all at once. We walk around staring at a screen instead of enjoying the world around us. People have caused their own deaths or the death of others because they didn't have the patience to wait until they aren't driving to read a text. And there are so many other things wrong with the way we treat the technology that we have now.

I find myself reaching for my phone so often, to show someone a picture I took, to look something up, to share a thought. While none of those things in and of themselves are bad, it has become almost ridiculous. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my ability to just connect with someone on a personal level. By connecting to everything electronically, have I actually disconnected myself from others? Yes, there are benefits to being able to stay in touch over miles, and to being able to let someone know you are thinking about them when life is too busy for a phone call or a face to face. But something is wrong when I find myself interacting more with my friends online than I am in person. I am talking about friends that only live a few miles away from me. Still, it is so easy, that I get drawn in, and I let myself communicate via Facebook, or texts, and then I wonder why I miss my friends so much. After all, I am in frequent contact with them. But what it really comes down to, which I blogged about last year, is that you can't substitute a screen for the real thing.

Anyone that knows me in more than a passing way, knows that I spend a lot of time on social media. I waste a lot of time on it. This morning I dropped by a friend's house for a quick (and much needed) visit and she mentioned wanting to scale back the amount of time she spends on Facebook. I have had that thought myself, many times, and that thought kept coming back to me throughout the day. And I need to do more than step back from Facebook, I need to help my kids disconnect from their video games and their TV shows and screen time in general. Then it hit me. Doing that wouldn't be disconnecting. It would be RECONNECTING. How much more would I connect with others if I disconnect from the majority of my screen time? What if I get up and go find someone to talk to when I get lonely instead of staring at a screen, hoping someone will notice me? How would it change the lives of my kids if instead of seeing me at the computer when they came in after school, I was ready and waiting to be accessible to them? What if a movie night for family time became a special and rare occasion instead of the norm? How would disconnecting change me? How would it change my family? How would it change my friendships? I think it's time to find out.
P.S. Yes, I am aware of the mixed signal that writing about this on a blog that demands the use of technology to be read, sends. Baby steps.

Don't Let Comparison Steal Your Joy

I like to paint rocks, among other things. It is a fun hobby that I have tried to share with friends and family members. Painting relaxes me, and I enjoy giving my finished pieces to loved ones, or hiding them around town for others to stumble upon. 

Today I was working on a rock and shared my progress with a friend. She has recently taken up rock painting and made this comment, "I know I will never be as good as you, but I can get better than I am."

My first thought was "Of course she can be as good as me." It pained me to feel like she was comparing herself to me. Then I thought about it some more. In fact, I have been thinking about it all evening. This particular friend has a fabulous singing voice, and has been professionally trained. In the past, I have been guilty of comparing my voice and skill at singing to hers. I love singing. I have a decent voice, but I have not had the practice, or the training that she has, and I am pretty sure that I have less natural talent for singing. When we first became friends, I let her spectacular voice intimidate me, and I found myself having a difficult time singing out when we sat next to each other at church meetings, or in choir. I eventually overcame that tendency, and last Christmas I even sang with her in a quartet. It's true that I can't match her skill, but it was a beautiful experience, and one of the highlights of my year. I am so glad that I didn't let comparison steal my joy in singing. I may never be as good as her at singing, but I can get better than I am. Her beautiful voice has inspired me to try to be better myself.

We all have our own unique talents and skills. Some of them come naturally, and others take a lot of practice and hard work. We also live in a world where comparison runs rampant. Social media in particular makes it easy to compare ourselves to the very best that others are willing to share. I know that I have often been guilty of becoming discouraged when my efforts can't match up to those of others, and that discouragement sometimes makes me give up on trying something new. I want to change that way of thinking, and instead, let the talents and gifts of others inspire me in my own efforts. There will always be someone that is better at anything I try to do, but that doesn't mean I can't find joy in learning, practicing, and developing new skill.

There are many ways that we compare ourselves to others. I know that I tend to have a really difficult time with my physical appearance, and I feel constantly bombarded with the world's idea of beauty. The same is true of my home, and at times I even find myself comparing the behavior of my children to that of others. Today, I hope that we can just stop comparing, and be thankful for what we have. 

Do Good Every Day And Be Mindful Of It

We live in an often frightening, angry, heartbreaking world. A quick scroll through the news can confirm that. We also live in a miraculous, beautiful, hopeful world. It all depends on what you decide to look for. What is your focus? Are you looking for light?

It is easy to find negative things. You don't even have to look for them. They are shoved in our faces daily by the news, social media, and the general interactions of people. Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. But that won't help anything.

We have to look for the positive. I am going to tell you right now that if you are looking for the positive online, you will probably have to sift through a lot of negative things to find it. And even when you do find it, I would advise you to stay away from the comments sections of any news story or article, because there is always someone willing to spew negativity there. So where do we look?

In a world where information is at the tips of our fingertips, and so much of that information is negative, what can we do?

The best way to find the positive is to BE the positive. Do good, and be mindful of it. To be mindful of something is to be conscious or aware of it. Do good, and do it on purpose. Pay attention to what you are doing, what you are saying, how you are acting, what you are sharing. Live your life with purpose, and focus. Focus on doing good.

Too much of the time, we think of doing good as these big things. Big things are great, but they aren't everything. There are people in the world that do some of those big things, or are generous with their finances, but they might not be the nicest people in their everyday lives. If you can do big things, then feel free. I think the little things are more important. If you are stuck for ideas on how to do good, I will share a few here. 

Be kind to someone.

Smile at a stranger.

Smile at a friend.

Smile at someone you don't like.

Hold the door for the next person.

Be a generous driver (let someone merge, enter traffic, etc)

Compliment someone, and mean it. 

If you have a kind thought, express it.

If you have a negative thought, suppress it.

Tell someone you love them instead of keeping it to yourself.

Give someone a hug, a handshake, a fist bump or a high five.

Take a meal to someone.

Write a note or a card and tell someone how you feel about them.

Say thank you.

Plant a flower, a seed, a tree, or an idea.

Help someone in need.

Don't just tell someone to let you know if they need anything. Do something. Even something small.

Listen to someone else. Sometimes that is all they need.

Dance in public, or just in your kitchen. 

Choose to withhold judgment.

Swallow a cutting remark, or choose not to post a negative comment. Sometimes doing good is choosing to not do something bad.

Think about your choices and how they might influence those who witness them. If they will bring someone down, then try to find another way.

Forgive someone.

Let go of a grudge.

Buy someone dessert.

Bake cookies, then share them.
Pray for someone you love.

Better yet, pray for someone you don't like. Keep praying for them.

Soften your heart.
Pick up some litter.

Do something kind, and do it anonymously.

Weed a neighbor's flower bed or garden. 

When you have a negative thought about someone else, choose to look for three positive things about them instead.
Don't raise your voice in anger. Practice calm reactions.

Be generous in praising others.

Put your shopping cart away. 

Put somebody else's shopping cart away.
Volunteer.

Donate.
Gather your friends and/or family and do service together.

When you do come across uplifting things online. Share them, and when you find negative things, consider not sharing them. How would social media change if we stopped sharing the negative things and focused instead on the positive?

There are so many small and simple ways that we can go about doing good. When we choose good, and we do it thoughtfully, and deliberately, we will naturally feel more positive, and so will those around us. Go ahead and try it. I dare you.

The Power of Human Touch

This morning, as is common at my house, I got the kids off to school and then made breakfast for me and my three year old daughter. I sometimes like to eat at the computer desk, while checking my morning email. Lately, my daughter has insisted that I eat at the table with her. She not only wants both of us to eat at the table, but she pulls my chair as close to hers as is humanly possible, puts her plate or bowl directly next to mine, and then sits with her side pressed up against mine. Only then does she look satisfied and proceeds to eat her breakfast. If I finish my food first and get up from the table, she soon loses interest in her own food and leaves it, so this morning, after I finished my meal, I continued to sit next to her until she was finished with hers.

Throughout the day, she will come and stand next to me and say simply, "I need you." Sometimes this happens at a less than convenient moment for me, but I am trying to be better about giving her a hug or letting her sit on my lap. Because when she says, "I need you," it has never been about me helping her with something else. She is pretty good about just asking for help, or a snack, or whatever else she needs. The phrase "I need you" is reserved for wanting to be held. I know I was that way when I was young as well, but things changed.

As a child, I can clearly remember wanting to snuggle up with my Mom, and needing that security and stability that comes from being hugged. Over time, various things changed that aspect in me, and by high school I was firmly in the realm of finding hugs and physical contact to be very awkward, with the exception of an extremely small group of people that I was emotionally close to. I had to learn to allow myself to be hugged, but even now, when I am well practiced, there are only a select few that I really feel physically comfortable with.

Over the last twenty years of being a mother, I have always loved to hold my babies, and to hug my toddlers, and then, somewhere between my kids' ages of three and four, I find myself distancing myself gradually. I don't mean to do it, I have just noticed in hindsight that it happened. By the time they reach middle school, the majority of my kids have graduated to the same feelings of awkwardness that I have about hugging other people. It has just been how we evolved over time, and I feel bad about that, because as a Mom of four teen aged boys, and a twenty year old man, I think that sometimes a hug would help them more than my lectures or my advice. I do hug them, just not often, and the reason for that is because they so obviously feel awkward about it, which makes me feel awkward right along with them. I feel a lot of guilt about that, even though I know that it isn't 100% me that has caused the awkwardness. Society here in America has a tendency to stamp out healthy physical contact, especially for men and boys. Needing a hug is seen as weakness, and boys, especially are expected to man up and detach from a lot of those emotional things.

I firmly believe that physical touch is something that we all need. There can be a lot of comfort in someone holding your hand, putting an arm around your shoulder, or hugging you. And there can be a lot of feelings of loneliness and rejection when human touch is lacking in our lives. After years of not really letting anyone but my husband and my family touch me, I learned that it was okay to hug other people. Sometimes a good hug can say more than all of the supportive words we can think of, and I am personally a big advocate of using words to express ourselves. To think that a hug can be more powerful is a lot coming from me.

Do I still feel awkward when hugging some people? Yes. People I am really comfortable hugging are still limited to my husband, my younger children, and a few of my closest friends. But I truly think it is worth it, awkwardness and all. Human touch is a powerful thing. I'm not saying we should all run out and invade another's personal bubble, but I think that we often hesitate to take opportunities to give kindness and support in the form of a hug, or even just a hand on someone else's shoulder.

Do you ever find yourself in need of a hug? Are you afraid to approach others when you need a hug? Are you afraid to extend a hug to someone else you feel might need one? How can we make it easier for ourselves and others to be comforted and strengthened through healthy physical contact? I have a lot of questions, and not many answers about this subject. I however, am going to try to get a bit more outside of my comfort zone, and extend compassionate touch to others more often, and I am going to do my best to always give my daughter a moment when she "needs" me. It's a start.

Finding Beauty Through The Mess

Life is complicated and messy. Sometimes it feels like we spend a lot of our lives looking forward to when things will be better, or easier, or different in some way. 

 In an awesome song called Forest Fire, sung by one of my favorite bands, Book On Tapeworm, the chorus says:    

"Should you find it hard to live

Remember this

If everything is beautiful

Then nothing is"

It is the messy aspects of life that help us to appreciate the beautiful ones. Nothing makes you thankful for good health like coming out of an illness. If all we had was sunshine, would we really understand how wonderful it can be? Or is it the rain and the storms that make the sun more beautiful? If we didn't have clouds, sunsets would be boring. Having opposition in our lives gives us a greater capacity for joy. It stretches us, and changes us, and teaches us who we really are.

I am a music person. Music gives me so much that can't be adequately expressed in any other way. Jason Mraz sings a song called 93 Million Miles. I came across that song when one of my boys was getting ready to head off to college and move away from home, and it spoke to me. I always think of my son when I hear it, but it also speaks to me in other ways. In the song, the singer talks about advice from his parents about life. In the second verse he states:

"Oh, my my how beautiful, 

Oh my irrefutable father,

He told me, 'Son sometimes it may seem dark

But the absence of the light is a necessary part

Just know, you're never alone

You can always come back home'"

And suddenly that song was transformed for me, from a song about a boy leaving home for the first time, to a religious song. I could picture my Father telling me, "Sometimes it may seem dark, but the absence of the light is a necessary part" and that I can always come back to Him.

The absence of light teaches us to appreciate the light. It teaches us to seek after light. It teaches us to shine a light for others. Difficult times in our life help us to appreciate our blessings. They help us to seek better things. They give us compassion for others, and a desire to be a blessing in other peoples' lives.

Can you imagine a world where the sun is always shining? Where there is no pain or sorrow? Don't we all sometimes wish for a world like that? What would a world like that cost us? Without the pain and sorrows of life, we could never truly appreciate all that we have. There would be less depth to our love without the possibility of loss. So while it may not seem beautiful in the moment, if we really look for it, we can find beauty in the mess.

I hope that we will take time to think about some of the difficult experiences we have had, and ask ourselves how those things helped us to grow, and how they changed us and made us better people. And if you are in the middle of one of those experiences, hold on. It won't last forever. The light is coming.