Tuesday, 5 June 2018

better angels

A month after I got married, A (the ex-SO and father to my lost babies) also got married.  She is 17 years younger than him and in the prime of childbearing life.  And yesterday afternoon A emailed me to say that his son was born at the weekend.

I am completely happy with my life as it is now, I wouldn't change S for anything and being childless no longer bears the same sharp pain as it used to.  And I am happy that A has got everything he ever wanted.

But oh, reader, how I am struggling with how to word my congratulatory email to A.  Because deep, deep inside I can't help but think "it isn't fair".  I want my better angels to surface and take hold but they appear to be AWOL...

Monday, 4 June 2018

cobwebs

I am dusting the cobwebs off this blog with a couple of catch-up posts.  

Last year was full of incident, some incredibly brilliant and some not so much.  There was illness, a wedding and a funeral.

This year has been more quiet so far (fingers crossed), mainly taken up with some travel and plans for the future.

Saturday, 3 March 2018

honeymoon

Because of one thing or another (tumours, bereavement, exhaustion) we had to wait until February of this year to go on honeymoon.  But it was the best time ever.  We went Sri Lanka for three weeks; two weeks travelling around and one week in the capital so that S could meet some of my relatives.

You know how you can build things up and then fear that they won't live up to your expectations?  Well, our honeymoon exceeded all expections for both of us.  We climbed an ancient rock fortress, we watched the sun rise over a cloud forest, we did a six-mile trek to one of the highest points on the island, we climbed a waterfall, we saw elephants in the wild, just taking a bath in a lake and we went whale-watching and saw a blue whale.  A blue whale!!!  It was incredible and unforgettable.

Reader, you should visit Sri Lanka, it won't disappoint!

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

lightbulbs everywhere

For most of the first quarter of 2017 I had been feeling rather below par.  There was nausea, vomiting, dizzy spells and quite a lot of falling over. My GP sent me off for a blood test, which proved unremarkable and there things remained, until the fateful day at the beginning of April.

I'd been feeling really unwell for most of the day and then, around 3pm, I went to the ladies' loo - and fainted.  Let me tell you - finding yourself slumped on the floor of a loo in a hospital (even if it's the staff loo) is quite disturbing.  I managed to pull myself to a sitting position and then bleat out "help" to the first person I heard come into the bathroom.  Long story short-ish, one of my friends (a consultant in general medicine) made a phone call to the consultant in A&E, a wheelchair was procured and I was escorted to the main hospital by one of my friends and a bevy of nurses.  My friend, M, had rescued my belongings and phoned S to come and meet me in Minors.

Seven hours, several blood tests, iv fluids and a CT scan later S & I were allowed home, only to have to return the next afternoon at 3pm for an MRI of my head and neck.  At 10pm that evening I was being gently told that they had found a tumour on my parotid artery which was so large that it was pressing on the carotid artery, and I was being referred to the head and neck cancer team.  In one way it was a bit of a relief to have a reason for the random falling down I'd been doing (remind me to tell you about how I accidentally sat on a stranger).  But mainly it was terrifying.  The sort of tumour I had was slow-growing, but by the time it reached the size of mine, they were more often than not malignant and offering a prognosis of about five years.

I had a biopsy three days after the MRI and a week after that we found out just how freaking lucky I am - despite its size, it was still benign and the surgeon was confident that it could wait another nine weeks and be whipped out after my wedding.  I continued with the dizzy spells, vomiting and falling down with a lighter heart.  There's nothing like spending some time in a cancer unit with a benign tumour to make you realise that you can't really feel anything but gratitude.

Anyway, after a lot of back and forth and five cancellations I finally had my operation in October.  It took over five hours, they had to transfuse me, and then my blood pressure plummeted to "worrying" depths.  But I was tumour-free and, four days later, was being gently driven back home.  Recovery took, and is still taking, ages.  I was off work for ten weeks, and for the first week I was basically bed-bound.  I was on a fluid diet for a fortnight and it took until February for me to regain full movement in my left arm (there was nerve damage).  The left side of my chin and neck are still swollen and numb seven months on, and it looks like that won't ever go away. But I don't care about any of that because the tumour was benign and I will only ever feel very lucky indeed.

Sunday, 23 July 2017

loss

Three weeks after our wedding S's mother passed away.  She was 92 and had had a full life: married for 70 years to a man she was still in love with, lived to know her great-grandchildren and never lost her impish sense of humour.  We miss her.

Monday, 19 June 2017

reader, I married him

It was the best day of my life.  I know that's a cliche but I don't care.  I swear I started smiling as soon as I woke up and I didn't stop until I fell asleep.

Best. Day. Ever!

Friday, 11 November 2016

odd week, disjointed post

It's been quite a week, hasn't it?  I won't rehash as I know from reading all your posts that a lot has already been said.  Let me just put this out there and I'll leave the topic alone.  We went through the Brexit vote this year and so I know how it feels when half of your country does something so completely inexplicable, divisive, backward-looking and self-destructive.  Cold comfort though this may be - you guys can fix this in four years, and I have faith that you will.

And to add insult to injury, we lost Leonard Cohen today.  The world is a lot poorer this week...

I'm home sick today.  Well, I have been all week apart from a misguided two hours when I went to work yesterday.  Basically I was sent home and told not to darken the doors again until Monday.  Most of the time I've felt too ill (chest infection, nothing major) to do anything but Netflix and chills (see what I did there?) but today I am feeling perky.  And an email telling me I had a new comment on my last post galvanised me to come over and say hello.

Hello!  How are you all?  I have spent the past few months floating on clouds of bliss.  One of my friends told me to savour every moment of being engaged because it's a time like no other and, ever obedient, I have been.  I still haven't quite stopped staring goofily at my ring, but I have it down to once a week now.  In the months since getting engaged and now we have set a date, found our wedding venue, given our intention-to-marry notices, booked a registrar and I have found my dress.  Sometimes having a type A personality works in your favour :-)  S has met more of my friends and charmed them in his usual manner (eclectic interests, dry sense of humour, strange addiction to puns, encyclopaedic knowledge of London's history).

Oh, and I'm not giving you the finger, I'm showing off my engagement ring :-)

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