Just like that in a blink of an eye, the year  is coming to an end. It would seem that I am winning the battle against my depression, the curse of my own wretched mind. Things have taken a different turn since the start of the year, I cannot believe that I am a teacher now. It's amazing how life happens to bring us down different paths and gives you a unique human experience that is your own. Yet at the same time it all boils down to the same core principle, survival. The thoughts of death hasn't been as loud and frequent ever since I started skating, things change, people grow and it has just been such an amazing experience this year despite the numerous battles that I have to overcome and Im still standing, against the odds that were stacked against me. 

With the experience of time getting shorter every year, every single moment that I am spending out there seems even more precious. I am not getting younger and just like that I am 30 and going to 31 this year. With most people getting married, having houses and cars, I am still the same broke motherfucker since I was 20. Maybe not exactly the same as a being , however financially every thing is still a mess. The pressure is on for me to make something great happen. This year I met a person who makes me feel so at home. You know they say love finds you when you arent looking for it, that is exactly the case. It is just I am not ready for a serious financial commitment that is required in a functioning relationship. Afterall , people would want to find a person who is able to improve their stats in this game called life by forming meaning yet strategic relationships to move ourselves closer to where we want to be. To be very honest , the lack of financial is something that is making me feel really insecure as a man. 

A man only has value when he holds tangible power, and in the context of the society we live in, money gives that power. The ability to not do things when you don't want to, not just doing things whenever you want. The ability to provide a sense of security for the woman they love and it would seem like I am failing very bad in this test of life. The world isn't gonna be kind to you when you are weak and powerless. How people treat you entirely depends on what kind of life you have carved out for yourself and if it was absolutely shit that's why you get treated like shit. 

Which is why I am grateful for the people that have stayed in my life despite how much I am lacking as a member of society, not as an individual for I know I have value that is not appreciated by our modern capitalistic world. A world that reduces people to cogs in a wheel, to feed a system that perpetuates violence and  oppression to the people who keep the system going. This people make me feel like I am a being that is worthy of existing in this plane of reality which we call life. 

Some days it really feels like everything is falling apart, I can barely stay awake and keep focus on the things I want to do and other days just feel like I am going to take over the world. The dramatic oscillations between my moods make things a bit more difficult for me to handle and I hope the highs and lows don't vary so much next year. 

I truly believe the coming year is going to be way better, and I will, to the best of my ability create the legend of me. The story of how one man overcame his battles with his demons and the capitalistic overlords who reigns over him. With a more defined career choice I am sure that I am able to progress financially in the direction which I truly desire. It's a job which has brought so much light to my life and I feel spiritually fulfilled serving the people who has hired me. 

I think the main difference is that through the years, time has humbled me to my knees, from a starry eyed 20 year old who believed that he could do anything that he set his mind to, to understanding the subjective reality of life. There's so many other factors that is besides my own will power to create the situation I want to exist in. Whether I am able to create the conditions that I want to thrive in is the key to creating the lifestyle I desire. I know that working hard will not necessarily grant me the things I want, but if I do not do anything I will not be able to have anything I want. Now I am just going to focus on the process, the actionable steps that I can take as an individual to bring myself to brand new heights, to better the life of the people I care about. 

To be honest I am feeling so tired all the time, maybe it is really time to reevaluate the different parts of my life mainly my social circle. Despite being a generally recluse person, it is amazing how many new friends I made this year, from cool skating uncles to young and upcoming underground rappers and musicians, it has made me realize that people here actually do live their lives as long as I put myself in environments where I am able to interact and exchange ideas/vibes with them. They key thing is to embrace my uniqueness and be the best version of myself I possibly can do. The tribe you need will eventually be attracted to you. 

Yet at the same time I am feeling kind of sapped and tired that I have a healthy social life now comparing to the last few years. Looking back 2023 has really been a chapter of immense growth. despite uncomfortable, I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone for many different things and I will continue this pursuit of excellence to see what kind of beast I can truly become. 

I truly wonder what is installed for me next year as it is the first chapter of my 30s , I really wish that I will have the strength to live a life that will make the younger me proud, like bro you fucking did it, you were a wanker but somehow you made it happen and I didn't suffer for nothing. It's really wild to enter my 30s with nothing to my name, yet exciting for the experiences and live I have lived has made my soul rich. Like I got so much less depressed and met an amazing girl who has filled my life with so much light. She brought warmth into my cold and frozen heart and is always so gentle with me. Yet this itself is a new experience, having to factor in another individual's expectations of you and I no longer just live for myself, there's pros and cons to having a loving partner I believe. 

With her in my life I feel a bit more grounded, and yet sometimes I miss her so much that I can barely function properly and just hang around my phone until she responds, which kinda tells me that I am super in love with her and the same time I need to have more things going on with my life if I can sit around the whole day waiting for her to end work. That is stupid as fuck and lowkey unhealthy. Yet there are other times where life gets so busy to the point that I don't have enough time for her, it is delicate dance to balance all these things and I sincerely wish that I have the ability to keep every going. 

It also feels like a year of learning and growing and understanding myself on a deeper level. Right now I feel good when I interact with new people I think I am leaving more good impressions than bad ones. I don't know, maybe deep inside I still feel like a complete piece of shit that isnt very good with things but at the same time I am great at whatever I am putting my heart and soul into so that itself is pretty contradicting viewpoints of myself as myself. 

It really feels like every is whizzing pass me so quickly and its simply breathtaking not in a way that I am in awe of what is happening kinda of sense but literally took my breath away and I am feeling so hard to breathe simply because of how fast things are moving. Is it because I am used to going through things at my own time and now it's the universe way of telling me now its time for you to floor that gas so you can reach new heights. 

I sat down wanting to think about what is up for the next year yet, besides swimming and my clothes business I have nothing else on my mind at the moment. It's not a nice feeling feels like i really need a proper break away from everything else yet I know it is a luxury that I am unable to afford at this moment.

Hang in the things are really looking good for the year ahead, no expectations just focus on the process and let the results happen.

 The New Year has come and 2023 is the year that the 23 year old me expected my being to accomplish great feats by this age. It is quite funny, how life pans out and humbles the crap out of you. On my wall there's a cheque for a million dollars signed by your truly when he was 23 but guess what, even at my best I was only 30%there and now I'm not even 1% there. 

Since my last birthday, there was a lot of introspection and reflection about how did my life turn out to be this beautiful pile of mess that is scattered all in front of me. While I'd considered my life a life rather well lived with great memories and experiences. The financial aspect at this point is severely lacking and it is ironic how I evolved into the person I despised when I was younger. 

The harsh truth is that money is the key to this plane that I exist on, the plane that my physical being has to interact with, the plane that my current stats will not allow me to to reach the kind of existence I envisioned when I was younger. So many questions that was eating me up , questions that makes me question and doubt myself, questions that leads to more questions, questions that I know I have the answer in me but I have yet to see it or simply aren't courageous enough to give the real answer

How did I end up here today?

Is this all I have got?

Was I too full of myself?

Have I been living life wrongly?

Was I lost the entire time but just pretending to know what I was doing?

Looking back at my entire life, I tried to find the one event that changed my entire life trajectory to this bullshit it is now and I couldn't. There was no singular event that cause it, it is just how life was set up for me. Growing up in poverty warps the mind of a child in ways that normal middle class people will not be able to understand. My idea of growing up and being mature was me going to work at the age of 14 to bring money to the family. That was not what a child needed, that was not growing up, that just trapped me into the cyclical nature of poverty. 

I came to realize a very important point the past year, everyone else around can have the ability to fuck up their entire life and their well to do family will be there. They've got people to clean up their mess, and no matter how wrecked or how wretched they make their life sound. At the end of the day, their parents can give them a helping hand for them to make life work properly for them. I am the helping hand of my family, I have ridiculous amounts of responsibilities that I didn't sign up for and it is really beginning to feel like a complete liability. At this point I have to say , I am not blaming or lamenting about the effort my parents took to raise me. They did what they could, and so did I , perhaps what we all could do is just not enough to let the world makes sense to us or to me at least.

I hate to see myself as a product of circumstances but the more I reflect and think the more it seems to me that way. That's what you get when a poor kid, because of his intelligence ends up with the rich and smart kids but can never be one of them because his pocket money is probably 10 to 20% of theirs and naturally he had to find other ways to make himself look better. He took up sports, read a lot, built himself  a lot. It made him happy for sure but he still didn't fit in. Because now he has learned so many things that many things that the others were chasing seemed frivolous. 

Or is that is ego talking, he wanted to not feel small, he wanted to feel powerful and feeling that everyone else is beneath him is is way of protecting that helpless soul inside him. It was this that changed me along the way and over time things became extremely out of hand to the point where I am standing now. I still think I am better than most people it's just that I suck at making money but now I am at the crossroads realizing that none of these intrinsic values actually mean anything unless one has the wealth or social status to let people be curious about them. 

I was constantly going against the system that I felt entrapped in. I was fighting for freedom, my entire life. Now it's just become a dirty word. Freedom, what a joke, if this life I have is freedom, I'm no different from being in prison. Even all the weird kids have found a partner, I am just such an unlovable being that even those losers have found someone who loves them. But not me. I just chase everyone away. Behind this stoic face and strong body, hides a massive pussy who is afraid of getting hurt again, who is a fucking coward. One that masks his actions as an act of liberation but in actual fact afraid of failing.

I am all about the spiritual side of things for it is how I really began to understand the world. Yet spirituality doesn't put food on the table although it can teach you to not be attached to the idea of eating. So I am rather conflicted as I know I am not going to be a monk but I'd like to progress towards enlightenment while maintaining who I am as a person. I need to make money to be free. While I might have my life constraint by the rules that others set for me I have to bow my head down so I can get what I want. Enough of thinking I am too good for a job, I am not, I am a delivery rider. You know how high up that's in a social hierarchy of chinese people in this country? I'm no different from the uncles and aunties cleaning toilets to most people. 

It is just pragmatic, even I am ashamed of what I committed my life to doing. Delivering food to people, I even convinced myself that it is a great job, while it definitely has many factors I personally enjoy but it's dead end. End I am even more broke that I started off, not just financially but spiritually. The endless grind makes it seem so silly but I guess I was busy feeling sorry for myself so I ended up stuck to this role for so many year.

So guess what this is the year , I have to make actionable change and stop ruminating in the past. As I always say " A men life begins at 30" while I didnt mean it to begin in the manner but I think its a great mindset to have right now. 

Starting from this year, I will reduce the amount of self sabotaging activities I have mindless engage in

- Reduce Netflix Binges 

- Stop vaping, I've quit smoking since 1November but I smoked a bit during NYE since it was  you know NYE. Im pretty much not dependent on ciggs anymore but vaping that is the real bitch here

- Revenge bedtime procrastination, I get it, life sucks when I'm not in control and this right here although it gives me a semblance of control, the truth is it leaves me drained the next day

-More sobriety

Here are some habits that I must inculcate into my life.

-Start sleeping early and waking up early ideally 7am everyday

- Write at least once a week, be it blog or my journal, Monday nights sound good.

- Read one book a month, I did okay last year with 4 books through the year but I need more

- Expand my social circle, gotta stop living in my own bubble.

- Talk less listen more

- Commit to taking care of my body an hour each day at least, from exercising to meditation

- Less junk food, the man who cannot control what he puts in his mouth is an ill disciplined slave

- Establishing a routine, I cannot go with the flow no mo, Can't be flowing in the same puddle of shit 

A few things that I am proud of myself last year.

- I managed to keep my duolingo streak alive for 300plus days 

- Ive been more active 

- I wrote my first complete song

- I stopped wanting to be like others and be more like myself

- I learned how to be a good housekeeper, the person who does the groceries has so much power on the life for the people that lives together.

- I learned to cook more stuff

Things that I will finish by End of Year

- Getting my Data Analytics cert

- Getting an official job hopefully by Q1

- Be more involved in different communities of interest, like yoga and surfskating

- My class 2 license

- My diving license

Things that I really want to do this year but is okay if I don't get to do it

- Take a yoga instructor course

- Wakesurfing and actual surfing

- Travel again

I will sit down and take time to do up a schedule which I must stick to for the coming days, I need to maximize my productivity while ensuring that I am still in touch with my human side that is not tainted by society. 

I think this was a great idea to take some time out to sort out all these before starting the year, although I am a bit late but better late than never. Keep going man, this is the year where I will not feel sorry for myself anymore. Will I love myself more then? I don't know I just know I can't possibly continue hating myself. 

 The past 2 weeks has been really interesting, as I had to stay at home and really help my mum out with the work she puts in to keep the house in order. Needless to say it has been an extremely humbling experience and I have so much more newfound appreciation for my amazing mother who has been tirelessly going at this routine for so many years. The extended time spent together was great actually, it's been tiring for sure as the it meant a lot more opportunities for friction but it actually bonded us together closer. 

So despite that not being the main reason why I was stuck at home, it was because of what happened to Dad, the ability of a man in my capacity could do was just be there for him. To be honest, I really hate myself for it and this understanding of my self loathing was also an important point of self discovery during this period. It has been 15 days since mum's cataract operation so my time of being bummed up at home has officially came to and end and today became the day that I actually gotten a fuck tonne of shit done. I guess I really took it as a holiday to really focus my entire being on taking care of my family. If only I had made better choices, was a constantly pounding at the back of my head. It only came to a conclusion, the me then made the choice he thought was best as he still has a lot of life ahead to learn why is it a bad choice. 

It just wasn't a nice feeling that I wasn't able to provide quality medical care to them and instead have to do it by myself. Yet at the same time, I was nice to be of service to the people I care about and be the change I'd like to see in the family. I think everyone had a great time this period, I don't know but it just nice to be able to have casual conversations about the randomest things in life with my mum or watching a movie with my sis. It has been forever since that has happened so I guess that not making money during this period and having to clench my butt cheeks to get through this month financially was in itself a miracle. It was at this point I started question about all my life choices and came to a conclusion , everything that had to happen will happen in order to arrive at this point. So now it is really more about putting myself in order so that the future me will not ask the present me the same questions. 

It is also about taking responsibility for my entire being now. How can this being put himself in a position to ascend to the heights he truly desire or even just one step in a new direction. I've been lazing hard and not studying but I am back at it again with a vengeance. I finished 6 weeks worth of content for my online course with Google in a day and I'm feeling amazing about it. Now I am taking actionable steps towards where I the progress is visualized together with the consumption of this information. I hope I can finish it by end of the month, if that is not too ambitious then go and get my class 2 license. 

After which land a cushy IT job and go get good at it, I know you are a nerd just accept it and it's alright you are a pretty cool nerd after all, just broke ATM, don't worry things will become better. If there isnt light at the end of the tunnel breakthrough the fucking tunnel to the ground things will be clearer from there. It's not a never ending tunnel, it can be but it doesn't have to be . Knowledge is a extremely powerful tool to understand this world that we exist in better. The more of it the better. Also don't be a cunt to people who don't share the same pursuits, we are all on our own journey to experience. I must learn. I wouldn't want to hang out with me for the nonsense I'm talking about. Yet whenever I speak to Xun, it feels like my nonsense is helping another person. Then it comes to the question, is my nonsense affecting him in a manner that is not good for him, why do I feel that it is not good for him, do I feel that my thoughts are bad for myself hence it will be bad for him, if not why so? I dislike myself so much that even the words that come out of me viewed as poison to others. 

The darkness in me is real, I get it. Yet understand that it is only through this darkness, the light in me shines through, I am only human and they need each other to exist, the more I work through this the brighter I will shine, it's just tough work a day at a time. Believe in the process. 

It's been a long day, I wonder will I find time to write tomorrow. And yes I finally get to go out and grab some cash wew

 It's been a journey this year as with every other year

Just that this one would have probably been the toughest yet

Even death does not prepare one to experience their father becoming wheelchair bound

Stress has been mounting and to be very frank I think I did a pretty alright job hanging on in there. The energy at home has been terrible and instead of immersing myself with the vibes, I'm trying to make the place livelier, that is all I can do. Yet I understand that I am only human, I will snap sometimes too but most importantly, I feel like there is a newfound direction in life for the coming year.

It is as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes, I finally understood that no one can take you to the top, especially not this person who had been effectively wasting my life for the past so many years, creating castles in clouds for me to live in. I need to build my own castle, no matter how small it is, it has to be something that turns into something tangible. I am done telling myself next year will be a better year, or the next few years, because after so many years of that, I'm 29 with nothing to my name with no CPF, no savings, no assets, no love, no nothing. A person will always be the average of their 5 closest people and to be honest, none of them are doing well at the moment.  

We dreamt about houses, sports cars, private jets and islands, travelling the entire world, just that while many others had made it into reality, ours were nothing but bovine farts. 

Understand that the power to improve our own lives has been imbued upon ourselves and we have to take the utmost responsibility to become the best versions of ourselves both software and hardware. Also know that there is no such thing as free will, we are creatures of habits and the habits that we have will dictate the kind of life that we will experience.  We have to create the habits for ourselves to make our monkey brains go on autopilot, to manipulate our reality in our own way. The path that many is on is not necessary the right path, it could just be a life that requires less effort. As a reward for their conformity, they are well taken care of by the system by social and financial standing. This is for everyone who is doing their best to beat the matrix. It is going to suck a lot but know exactly that we signed up for this and there is no turning back now. As with any uprising, the key is to blend into the system and not let it know that you are sentient. Go with the fray and you'd be surprised to see how many has accepted this dogmatic way of life as what life should be like. 

That is what I have learned this year being in 2 corporate jobs, people trying to upkeep this idea of a successful life, with material comforts that stretches their finances to the limits. Keeping in line and having their head down is the only way to move forward. The individual is lost in the process, which is the key to running a 'functioning' society. All for the greater good, so that you'll be socially included. Especially in a wealthy country like Singapore, some people are only going to talk to you because you have good jobs, look like the ideal version of their success. 

But what am I fighting against? Is it so bad to just conform, the system works out fine. Take a look at your peers, every single one of them are leading better lives than you and you are here talking about wanting freedom? It's ironic how my desire for freedom has actually led to a lot more invisible shackles being bounded onto me. It was then I realized what I sought was the lowest level of freedom. To do things whenever I wanted not at the beck and call of any other individual. However I was bound by money, the tool which they use to control the masses and segregate our invisible social caste.

A person who makes 6k a month will not feel eating a 100-dollar meal once every week is expensive as their entire circle would be people like that. Though it isn't really their fault. Also going on this long random tirade about society and money was not the original intention of me sitting down to put my thoughts down. 

--------------------------------

I think most importantly this year, I have learned to be a lot less nihilistic and stopped treating everything Nietzche has said as the holy bible towards life. It made sense as it felt like the superior way to think of how life is in its coldest harshest and objective truth. Yet a life like that had deep rooted despondence that barely brought about any colors to my already very grim life. Which was probably the reason why I seeked solace in his teachings as it made me feel safe and understood. It was also easier to convince myself that nothing I do matters, so it is perfectly alright not having to do anything. Which is now looking back is retarded to a degree that the me now is trying to understand how the fuck did it actually make sense back then. 

A line by JBP said any idiot could tell you about a time in a future that nothing you did will matter. What happens in 1000 years is really not my problem but while I am alive and breathing on this Earth, I must do my best to impact the people around me and give them my all. While constantly upgrading myself. Which is why I am proud of myself for continuing my French class with Duolingo and its almost at a 300-day streak. Also, I have signed up for courses online to learn about coding so to progress onto Data Analytics, I will prove to myself that true my own sheer will, determination and hard work I can turn my life around. Get a nice cushy job so that I have the bandwidth to build what I have to build to create the life I truly want, not just for me but the people I love and the people who I wished had loved me because the "fuck you understand" is going to be glorious. 

No one is going to hand you your dreams on a silver platter, I have to fight for it with every ounce of my being if not the system will consume me and then it will make sense to be nihilistic. 

I am glad that I have a brother like Xun beside me this year, he has made me realized that maybe not everyone is fucked up, there is still hope and love in this world. I don't understand how he is still so nice after life has repeatedly showed him how nasty this world can be. I love this dude to the moon and back and I hope this will be forever. This year was a year where I built up a lot of resentment towards some others , maybe it is my way to shirk responsibility for myself, which is why I have to take charge of my own life this year and see where it goes next and when I am 30 next year I better be fucking proud of who I am and not trying to blame someone else for my own incompetence

 What am I?

What kind of man am I?

Im getting all sorts of weird thoughts again. 

Am I okay? What is okay?

I don't believe in myself today.

I feel like I am not going to become the man I want to become

Or is my unnecessary emotions causing me all this confusion

Work has been interesting, my new colleague makes me like I am not a man.

Or is she trying to hint at something and Im not taking the hint. 

Just so confused.

Tired.

Maybe this job aint for me

Maybe I am not meant to reintegrate with society.

Its safer in my own bubble but is it really, am I capping my own potential growth

Such thoughts arent wanted at the moment its just tiring 

aiya fuck la