Strangely enough, the past 2 weeks has been mad hectic as I have been helping Jean out while doing my own stuff . The crazy long hours with them is surprisingly good for my mental health. I don't think I am willing to do any other things for like 15hours a day and still have energy to go and chill and makan with everybody. I realized the main reason why I have been feeling so depressed is that I have not been using my social muscles at all. At the very primitive core of a human beings existence, being social is simply an essential activity like breathing, it is just that we don't die immediately if we are anti social for an extended period of time

After going through the daily motion with some rather nice people, instead of going at it on my own. I realized that being social is essential a muscle that needs to be worked, like muscles, if it is not used it will atrophy quickly over time. Which is why once a person has totally disconnected from the world, it will be really difficult to connect with others over time. 

There are many socially acceptable behaviour as people are going to judge all the time. Which was probably the main reason why I have been so anti social for so long. Probably there's is a part of me that gives wayyyyy too many fucks about how I am being perceived by others. To the extent I have just been downplaying who I really am and shrinking to this pathetic morsel of a human being.  Perhaps that was a bit harsh, which is probably another thing I'd have to work on. As I am so harsh on myself, I realized I am unable to accept the differences between other people and their lifestyle sometimes, just as they would probably dissaprove of mine. We all have live's to lead, and we aren't each others problem.

Being social can be tiring especially with the wrong crowd, perhaps I just want to restart somewhere with a blank slate where nobody knows me, nobody will be able to connect to any semblance of my past. Not that my past was shameful, it is just that I think I have been an massive asshole to plenty of people by my not so mature self . 

I have digressed again, the main point is that I feel amazing right now, even though I am not where I want to be or any where near , I feel great, I feel like I am part of a society. I've been really depressed for too long, it has come to the point where I used to feeling sad and blue all the time and even when things are good my mind is just going to the worst possible scenarios and playing it out. Subconsciously generating a lot of fear and inertia to actually progress forward. Being used to feeling despondent , feels funny when I actually say it out, sounds ridiculous but that is how malleable a human mind is. The subconscious is the boss of us until we learn to be mindful. 

Identify triggers , that leads to actions that feel rewarding in it on ways, once that loop has been broken, we will no longer be creatures of habits, but a mindful existence 

Feels like this can go on and on I shall stop here for today.

 It is has been interesting, mildly infuriating and pretty nerve wrecking all at the same time. This are the times that I feel, perhaps this is where I explode from all this stress. Yet every single time i didn't explode, and somehow made it through pretty alright.  

I just had a thought of what would the 18 year old me say to the 28 year old me now if he saw me? I think he'd be confused, maybe he would really retrace the steps, change the entire trajectory of where I would be now? Or will he still continue the same flow and understanding that this still might be part of a larger flow? I can only wonder, I think he'd be in disbelief though, i really think so. On so many levels, it just feels like I am in too deep right now, I cannot go back to the normal mundane life as my resume has many empty holes. As I'm writing and psycho analysing my own thoughts, many other thoughts unravel itself. 

Right now I think the issue to really look into right now is the internal belief and reward system. I think with this current phase in life, there are plenty of negative internal beliefs that might not be noticed and has slowly crept up and beginning to distort how the world is reacting to your existence. Human trash. A phrase that is often used when I have conversations with myself. It is habits like this that I am actively trying to identify now so that a shift in the mental space takes place. I feel like I am dazed all the time nowadays, maybe it is just me trying float through life. I dont think I am fighting for my life anymore sometimes. Yet I am somewhat happy with being able to care for my family like the way I can now. Is that an excuse to not strive for a bigger life? It is funny though, the life I imagined was huge, 28 I should already be riding a Harley and living a great kind a lifestyle. Unrealistic? I won't say that, but it is the lack of capability to make it a realistic target. I am dead sure someone out has already made it happened. 

Alright back to reality, so despite the less than ideal working conditions sometimes, it is still a pretty okay life. Maybe I have been over appreciating the favourable aspects of it. Im genuinely conflicted, I feel all that gratitude and appreciation for life feels great, but have I become more tolerant of my own nonsense and things that I can really work on.

Then I'll start working on stuff intensely for a period and then just crash and feel like I'm wet cement for another portion, this cyclical thing is throwing myself off a lot. I think I should really see a shrink, or at least give myself a fighting chance by actually actively love myself more , by taking care of the body, watching what I put into my body, at least the physical structure is in a better place to perform. 

Tired already write another time.