Confessions

some things that have been on my mind:

1. I haven't always wanted to be a parent, identified the 'mom' in me, or really thought much about starting a family. F and I used to tell certain family members that we didn't want kids. Some who don't know about our infertility still think this is the case (which is hurtful now). It's not that I regret feeling this way--I think in many ways I am a late bloomer -- only just in the last 3 years have we reached the point in our lives where the discussion of whether or not we want to have a child even makes sense.The month I turned 30 is when I knew I wanted to be a parent with F after all. And for F, having a child or becoming a parent is never 'a given', it is an ethical choice that two people should make together. I am sad about the fact that when we finally made that decision, a decision that took a long time to make, it didn't work, and we still are not parents. I rationally know we are not infertile because we waited too long to decide, or thought too hard about that decision or believe in population control or completely lack sentimentality and romanticism, but sometimes I wonder if our thoughts are infertile.

2. I used to babysit for a family when I was 25 or so, and hold this adorable baby in my arms in front of the hallway mirror, trying to imagine myself with a child. I couldn't. I used to rock her to sleep and sing to her and she would just watch me. I loved the feeling of singing to her and holding her in my arms, but I never felt that strong urge to have one of my own. Yesterday I was thinking of songs that I would sing to my child and I started thinking of this baby that I used to know, and I started to cry. It sort of came out of nowhere but I know that it was probably my worst fear surfacing: that I will never be able to experience that moment as a parent.

3. This is a hard one to confess. When I was a person who didn't really want children, I thought A.R.T. was an excess, something I would NEVER do. Sometimes I still feel conflicted about it. My thinking was very similar to Jesse Klein's, in her 35th birthday essay for The Daily Beast describing her feelings about A.R.T. after her doctor confronted her about her family building plans and egg freezing options. She writes,

"...if I'm meant to give birth, I will."

and

" It’s just that when I think about my uterus (which is rare) I don’t have any desire to bully it into doing something it may not naturally feel like doing. In vitro fertilization, artificial insemination, egg transplants, surrogacy, fallopian Xeroxing—I have no interest. I know I could change my mind one day, but to the degree that I know anything, I also know I won’t."

Despite being a bit uneducated about why certain procedures are necessary (I'm going to bully my breasts into not getting cancer!), I know this essay is not really about infertility, she is not against A.R.T. or even arguing against people who do not believe that if we are meant to give birth we will, and seek the treatments that she minimizes and pokes fun of. But she is a comedian, who doesn't really care about family building, who is single and 35 and who felt a little insulted by her doctor's assumption that she wants to procreate. My 30 year old self can relate. My infertile self cringed when I read this and couldn't relate at all.


How great would it be to rarely think about your uterus? I think I might look into that Fallopian Xeroxing procedure.

One more confession: I've been drinking decaf coffee again. My excuse and rationalization: I return home, to babymaking, to being an infertile couple, to deciding what to do next, to testing, to waiting for results, to disappointment in one week and I feel like this is my last week to indulge in my favorite fertile diet no-no.

Pre-O Dip

I'd call that a major dip, my Pre-O Canyon.

I was hoping acupuncture would level out my basal body temperatures and shorten my follicular phase this cycle (which is why I am temping during our ttc break). My temperature stayed elevated (slightly higher than average) during most of the follicular phase (but level) and then plunged, looking like a reverse bi-phasic pattern.

My charts exhibit a different pattern every month! I never know what I'm going to get. Here are a few examples for some ICLW fun:

where to draw the coverline?

ovulation fake-out

clomid dips?

good grief, another ovulation fake-out

Do I have to keep buying the pre-natal vitamins?

I mean, my belly is not growing and the checkout cashier at the drugstore is getting confused, because, it's been over a year. Do I really need to subject myself to this humiliation? I am already recognized as that poor woman who has been buying pregnancy and ovulation tests at the dollar store for over a year. I live in a very small town, one where the high school teachers drive to the next town to buy condoms (you are probably wondering why I don't buy online. I'm wondering this myself as I write this and plan to do buy online from now on as soon as I return to Oregon).

But seriously, I've been off and on prenatal vitamins for awhile, recently off, because buying them was too much to deal with. I became discouraged (and I didn't even want to look at those pre-natal bottles). But now I am wondering about Vitamin A. I am wondering this because I just started taking cod liver oil--the liquid (Carlson's with lemon), with only 850 IU of A, but add this to my multi-vitamin with 5, 000 IU (and I ate sweet potatoes and carrots tonight with dinner) and maybe that's too much Vitamin A for an Infertile.

So should I switch back to pre-natals? What do you take? Any suggestions for a good brand?

Welcome ICLW

Thanks for visiting!

Here is a bit of a summary about me, F and our IF experience, if you have some time to look around I've included some links to previous posts:

We have unexplained infertility according to the RE and are currently on a break while I work on a project in another state (3 weeks left!).

Last month I started seeing an acupuncturist and began treatment with Traditional Chinese Medicine for Spleen Qi deficiency, Liver Qi Stagnation and Blood Stasis. My basal body temperatures have leveled out and I did not have any clots during my last menses. So far this is the only progress I've experienced in a year and a half. I'll take it!

I am trying to quit decaf coffee. It is very difficult because I love coffee. I broke down and had a decaf latte yesterday while working and it was so good.

We've been TTC for a year and a half. I had an HSG in June that was inconclusive. After the HSG we tried one month of clomid before my trip. I plan to continue acupuncture and TCM when I return for at least a couple cycles before we return to Western Medicine.

F and I have kept our infertility very private from friends and family. Only a small few, that we can count on one hand, know. I think about our silence all the time.

Trudy Campbell

*****Warning*****Mad Men spoiler alert*****

What a good infertile you are.

You thought of your husband's needs first and didn't pursue adoption when he was against it. You didn't want to bother him with your true infertile emotions.

You were a selfless friend, happy to be among fertile, pregnant women, in fact you seemed to love it, maybe over-compensating just a bit at that wedding, asking all the questions people ask and sharing in their excitement--and then you danced your heart out with your husband.

You stayed relaxed, positive and polished at your ladies' luncheons and in your shirtwaist dresses, content being a wife, daughter and living child free (though we all knew that wasn't the last we'd hear of your fertile desires).

but most of all,

You just kept trying...and then it happened.

Congratulations Trudy Campbell, may all your wishes come true!

Acupuncture #3, cd #1 and zero coffee

This is the first time in a year and a half that I am not devastated to see blood (F and I are living apart for another month and taking a ttc break). In fact I was pleased to see nice red blood this morning with no spotting beforehand and no clots, so far. I am feeling positive about the TCM treatment--acupuncture once a week, herb concoction twice a day and the hardest thing I have ever done--giving up my favorite ritual of the day, my 2 cups of decaf coffee.

I swore I would never give in. But last week I started thinking about why I was feeling so oppositional and defensive about coffee, wondering how 12 ounces of anything could become such a powerful part of my life that I really thought I could not live without it. Most of it was principle to the fact that so many women get pregnant on the most unhealthy diets and that I don't consume caffeine--its decaf!! But my acupuncturist explained about the acidity in coffee and linked that to my somewhat lack of fertile cervical fluid (ok, so I'm a sperm killer!) and blah, blah blah--the real question is why is it so hard to give up coffee, or anything (only temporarily, right) for that matter?

So that was the deciding point--a challenge to see if I can go six months without coffee. So far in the hot Texas summer it hasn't been too difficult. Rainy season on the Pacific Coast will be another battle.

So, am I like the last IF person to give up coffee (decaf!) or am I just giving in to the pressure?

Advocacy

I'm sure you all know about Resolve's Pledge-- to talk to as many people as possible about infertility, to share your struggle with family and friends and join in the advocacy efforts led by Resolve, as I am sure you have read the recent article in Self Magazine, Breaking The Silence on Infertility that everyone was linking to recently.

I think about my silence all the time. I think about the small actions I could take, and then I think about why I'm not taking them, why I don't want to use my full name and make status updates and tell everyone in my life about this disease--insecurities, vulnerability, the need for privacy, shame. At the same time, I know that there are definitely actions I need to take.

For the past year and a half, F and I have struggled with infertility privately, almost entirely in silence and secrecy. For the first year no one knew we had a problem (F was in denial or just optimistic in that guy sort of way and I was just full of dread). We used to really debate (= me crying and ranting and F repeating,"its going to happen soon") with each other about telling family. I really needed to tell our moms. He thought IF was a private, intimate matter and really didn't want anyone to know, especially his mom. This is why his brother doesn't know and his Dad doesn't know, even though he is very close with his brother. My brother doesn't know, either, but we don't talk about those sorts of things. No one at the family dinner knows. My parents know, F's mom knows, one of my cousins knows (a cousin who is experiencing secondary infertility), one friend knows, and then my CNM, my RE and my acupuncturist all know, of course.

I have this blog which allows me to speak about it, share my experiences and support others, but I keep this community completely separate from the life I share with my family and friends. I started this blog while living away from home for 3 months. F doesn't even know I started it. For me, family life and interactions also play a part in my infertility struggle--I keep this blog separate, partly, so I can write freely about the ways family dynamics and events make infertility even harder. And as much as family tries to be supportive, infertility is very difficult to relate to if you have not experienced it firsthand.

F and I both need to find a balance between getting support from the people we choose to tell, maintaining our privacy and advocating for our health care.

And advocating for our health care is the large action we really need to take--because we, like so many of us, do not have insurance coverage for anything billed as infertility and do not live in a state where insurance coverage for infertility services is mandatory. Negotiating the heartbreak of infertility is difficult enough without having to wage a socio-political fight every step of the way. There are resources to help us with this, one of which is a letter template for HR departments and employers that I found on RESOLVE's site. F and I have no excuse not to write this letter, and no excuse not to contact our representatives again and again and again. Fertility Lab Insider has a fantastic post about infertility as a covered insurance benefit, full of facts to use in letter writing, debate and the occasional conversation with the insensitive and uneducated.

I will never be able to send everyone in my contacts a link to my blog, or even tell my partner that I am writing one, use my full name here, or 'out' F and I to friends and family, but the very least I can do is advocate for myself, and F and I can do this together.

Family Dinner

I met some of my in laws for dinner tonight, well actually, I thought I was meeting my BIL and SIL for an early dinner. Two of their kids are at "Granny's" for the week so they just have the baby and were happy to go out for a bit more relaxed dinner experience. It turned out to be more of a family dinner when they invited a cousin and her spouse, my father-in-law and the cousin's dad. To everyone's surprise...you got it...cousin is pregnant. And everyone is happy, including me, happiness somewhere behind the sadness and longing I immediately felt. I just wasn't prepared for that news, in person, not shielded by a computer screen on fb or email or the phone. I was happy, but oh how painfully I wished for that moment, to make that announcement to F's family.

But then cousin said something that made me pause and think. She said she was almost 8 weeks--and had her second ultrasound today. And I wondered if she went through infertility, to be monitored so closely so early. And it made me want to give her an extra hug and truly feel happy for her.

acupuncture #2: acceptance

Today was my second acupuncture appointment. We reviewed some of what we went over last week and I asked more specific questions about my treatment and felt more comfortable overall. One thing she brought up today was the importance of acceptance. I'm not sure what this means to me yet. I accept that I am infertile and have opened myself up to treatments that may demand changes in lifestyle, ways of thinking, and behaviors, but do I accept what being infertile means now and also in the future: the possibility that I might never birth a child? I'm really not sure. When she said that word, acceptance, I felt the physiological jolt that signals tears may be approaching, just at the speaking of the word. Obviously, I'm not there yet. Do I have to be? I think part of what she was trying to say, or prevent rather, was the hope that TCM is going to fix everything and get me pregnant. She recommended a measurable goal for the next couple of cycles--to increase my fertile cervical mucus, to eliminate clots during menstruation and to decrease PMS symptoms. I can accept that.

I drank my first herb "tea", 5 teaspoons of a mixture of herbs mixed with water, herbs including dang gui, rou cong rong, huang qi, ba ji tian, lu lu tong, di long, hong teng, yan hu suo, and e zhu. I googled them all to learn more about their properties and uses. The only one I was familiar with was Dang gui, or dong quai, used by many women for natural hormone regulation. The others for the most part, are used mostly for liver and kidney qi, blood flow and depression.

Depression. I think I often forget about depression and IF. We get so used to this feeling that we no longer name it, recognize it or describe it and it becomes indistinguishable from what we seem to feel on a daily basis. We forget that we didn't used to feel this way.