Monday night I received my first Intramuscular Injection of Delestrogen in the ass via my husband's hands. I didn't have to look and I didn't feel a thing. Ecstatic. Then we realized that F would be out of town for my next dose and I would have to do the shot myself.
This brings me to tonight. I've been watching IVF Shoot 'Em Up for an hour. Then I mustered up some badass, readied my syringe, twisted my torso around and pushed in the needle.
I feel like a superwoman with a syringe. I can do this. I'm even ready for PIO. Bring It.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
There is Nothing Like Infertility
I've been reading posts from The Analogy Project over at Stirrup Queens for National Infertility Awareness Week. If you haven't at least browsed the submissions, well, you should. We are a creative bunch.
Mel explains, Analogies are the verbal door through which people can step who want to understand another person's experience. With hundreds of analogies, we can provide a panoramic understanding of the experiences of infertility, she says.
This project has me thinking about Empathy.
The response to infertile couples I hate the most, besides, why don't you just adopt?, is, I can't relate because I don't want kids. This response is the most dismissive, invalidating, anti-empathetic interaction one can have. For me to have to say to this person, well, let me give you an analogy so that you might understand my experience is too insulting, too degrading, and I actually refuse to do it.
While I agree that analogy is a tool for making connections to new concepts, there is something about analogy and employing it to simplify my experience that allows people to cheat in regard to empathy. Empathy is a challenge because of difference. And difference is often difficult to negotiate, especially when one is asked to understand someone else's experience from their point of view, or world view, or culture. We tend to want analogy, or sameness, so that we can understand the other's experience in relation to our own experiences (or affect or religion or cultural traditions, etc). But the other's experience has nothing to do with us or our experience. How about we try to understand each other's experience for what it is, and who we both are? Different.
There is nothing like infertility. Difference is not something to undo to make empathy easier. To compare it to something else is to simplify the experience.
If I have to give you an analogy to make you understand my experience then you are not listening, nor are you trying to engage me with empathy.
Analogy is, however, therapeutic in the way it allows us to inject humor into our experience. One of my favorites is an auto diagnostics analogy from Rebecca at Trying Not to Scream. I love it because it was a moment during a stressful time that an infertile couple examined the absurdities of infertility treatments.
And for that moment, the experience of infertility became a little less heavy, a little more manageable.
Mel explains, Analogies are the verbal door through which people can step who want to understand another person's experience. With hundreds of analogies, we can provide a panoramic understanding of the experiences of infertility, she says.
This project has me thinking about Empathy.
The response to infertile couples I hate the most, besides, why don't you just adopt?, is, I can't relate because I don't want kids. This response is the most dismissive, invalidating, anti-empathetic interaction one can have. For me to have to say to this person, well, let me give you an analogy so that you might understand my experience is too insulting, too degrading, and I actually refuse to do it.
While I agree that analogy is a tool for making connections to new concepts, there is something about analogy and employing it to simplify my experience that allows people to cheat in regard to empathy. Empathy is a challenge because of difference. And difference is often difficult to negotiate, especially when one is asked to understand someone else's experience from their point of view, or world view, or culture. We tend to want analogy, or sameness, so that we can understand the other's experience in relation to our own experiences (or affect or religion or cultural traditions, etc). But the other's experience has nothing to do with us or our experience. How about we try to understand each other's experience for what it is, and who we both are? Different.
There is nothing like infertility. Difference is not something to undo to make empathy easier. To compare it to something else is to simplify the experience.
If I have to give you an analogy to make you understand my experience then you are not listening, nor are you trying to engage me with empathy.
Analogy is, however, therapeutic in the way it allows us to inject humor into our experience. One of my favorites is an auto diagnostics analogy from Rebecca at Trying Not to Scream. I love it because it was a moment during a stressful time that an infertile couple examined the absurdities of infertility treatments.
And for that moment, the experience of infertility became a little less heavy, a little more manageable.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Hormones, Antibiotics and Steroids
Driving 6 hours one way for a blood test (because of the sensitivity of the test, and therefore, the lab matters) is brutal. One thing that keeps me sane during the long drives is podcasts. I've mentioned Creating A Family many times on this blog and have a link to the site on my side bar. One of their recent podcasts discusses how the environment, namely chemicals in our environment, may be affecting our fertility. Dawn asked many questions about specific products in our homes--cosmetics, furniture, foods. The answers weren't anything new to me. I buy organic fruit and garden, I use vinegar to clean my kitchen, I try to buy body care products without parabens and fragrances. When I eat meat I buy local, without hormones or antibiotics. Same with milk.
And when the subject turned to milk, I paused with a funny thought. Hormones, Antibiotics and steroids. Unless you are buying organic or from a company that does not use hormones, antibiotics and steroids, most dairy cows are given hormones and steroids to stimulate milk production. And antibiotics to combat infection that arises from factory farm living conditions.
Hormones, Antibiotics and Steroids. Does this regimen sound familiar? I just finished my round of antibiotics. On Monday I will start hormone injections and later start a low dose steroid.
I'm not saying I feel like a factory cow or making an analogous statement about infertility treatment. I'm not questioning the health and environmental benefit of organic and ethically farmed food, nor am I questioning the use of hormones, antibiotics and steroids for IVF. I just happened to have a moment where this little irony in my life was not lost on me--hormones, antibiotics and steroids.
For more information on how the environment affects reproductive health visit UCSF's Program on Reproductive Health and the Environment.
And when the subject turned to milk, I paused with a funny thought. Hormones, Antibiotics and steroids. Unless you are buying organic or from a company that does not use hormones, antibiotics and steroids, most dairy cows are given hormones and steroids to stimulate milk production. And antibiotics to combat infection that arises from factory farm living conditions.
Hormones, Antibiotics and Steroids. Does this regimen sound familiar? I just finished my round of antibiotics. On Monday I will start hormone injections and later start a low dose steroid.
I'm not saying I feel like a factory cow or making an analogous statement about infertility treatment. I'm not questioning the health and environmental benefit of organic and ethically farmed food, nor am I questioning the use of hormones, antibiotics and steroids for IVF. I just happened to have a moment where this little irony in my life was not lost on me--hormones, antibiotics and steroids.
For more information on how the environment affects reproductive health visit UCSF's Program on Reproductive Health and the Environment.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The Assumption
I am going to tell you about my attitude moving forward with this FET cycle.
I am just going to assume it will work, okay? That's all. It should work.
Thaw, transfer, implantation, bam, pregnant and baby. The end.
Stay tuned for updates.
I am just going to assume it will work, okay? That's all. It should work.
Thaw, transfer, implantation, bam, pregnant and baby. The end.
Stay tuned for updates.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
More Spotting
I just used up my last FRER pregnancy test. Why? Not because I love seeing one pink line on a stark white background. Actually, this time I was relieved.
Today is the third day of very light spotting. And spotting always freaks me out. 99% of my decision making and conclusion drawing knew the spotting was due to taking more than 21 active birth control pills. My beta returned to zero after the miscarriage, I had a heavy period after that and then I started birth control pills. Bases covered. Even so, I always have this irrational fear that if I were to ever get pregnant naturally it would be while on hormone replacement and lupron. Exactly when I should not get pregnant.
I took a test, called the nurse, and now I feel reassured.
AF is banging on the door, but she can't come in yet. She'll have to wait until Saturday.
Today is the third day of very light spotting. And spotting always freaks me out. 99% of my decision making and conclusion drawing knew the spotting was due to taking more than 21 active birth control pills. My beta returned to zero after the miscarriage, I had a heavy period after that and then I started birth control pills. Bases covered. Even so, I always have this irrational fear that if I were to ever get pregnant naturally it would be while on hormone replacement and lupron. Exactly when I should not get pregnant.
I took a test, called the nurse, and now I feel reassured.
AF is banging on the door, but she can't come in yet. She'll have to wait until Saturday.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Fantasies or Planning Ahead (with Lupron)
I feel like this cycle officially begins today. I started doxycyline this morning, aspirin tonight, and lupron injections tonight as well. The night sweats have subsided, though I still feel tired.
I had some very light spotting last night, which freaked me out, but after doing some research seems to be due to taking extra birth control pills, more than are in one pack. It could also be that I am having to adjust the time I take them to create the two hour buffer needed between antibiotic and birth control pill.
---
Yesterday, I couldn't stop thinking way into the future. After being guilt tripped by my mother-in-law for not visiting her home since 2009 (she's been out to visit us at least once a year since then, so it isn't as if we haven't seen her in that time. We have in that time had to travel year round for fertility treatments, had 2 miscarriages, almost lost my brother, spent time apart due to jobs, etc, etc. She also does not work and can travel whenever she wants. Selfish?), I started thinking about the weeks after the birth of our future child when family will come to visit. That seems logical, no?
Some background. We live across the country from all family. F's mom lives in a different state than the rest of our families. We tend to travel by default back 'home' where we are from because that is where everyone lives (except F's mom) and we can visit almost everyone at the same time. We try to persuade my mother-in-law to visit our home state (also hers) at the same time so we can all be together. She doesn't count these times as 'visiting her.'
When we have a baby, we are assuming our families will want to come and visit, to meet the grandchild, niece/nephew. That is a lot of people all at once. We want everyone to have their own time to spend with the baby without having to compete with everyone else (especially the moms), not to mention a less chaotic environment during a major life transition for us.
Why am I thinking about this now? I don't know but I can't help it. The conversation with my mother-in-law just made me want to plan this out now, even if it is fantasy, maybe even as a way of punishing her. Because we decided (yes, F even humored me and had this conversation) that my parents should have the first visit, because this will be their first, and probably only, grandchild.
---
It actually felt good to fantasize about something so uncertain. F and I so seldom allow ourselves to think ahead to life with a baby, to imagine success (out loud and together, at least). It was almost as if we were trying to visualize the outcome of this cycle (even if it originated from a place of family melodrama), if only in an indirect way, with something relatively safe and trivial, such as when will family come to visit. A possible outcome much more difficult is to even acknowledge is that this frozen, future child could arrive into the world with the same birthday as my Dad. A gift. To think too much about this possibility could bring me to tears. So I won't.
I had some very light spotting last night, which freaked me out, but after doing some research seems to be due to taking extra birth control pills, more than are in one pack. It could also be that I am having to adjust the time I take them to create the two hour buffer needed between antibiotic and birth control pill.
---
Yesterday, I couldn't stop thinking way into the future. After being guilt tripped by my mother-in-law for not visiting her home since 2009 (she's been out to visit us at least once a year since then, so it isn't as if we haven't seen her in that time. We have in that time had to travel year round for fertility treatments, had 2 miscarriages, almost lost my brother, spent time apart due to jobs, etc, etc. She also does not work and can travel whenever she wants. Selfish?), I started thinking about the weeks after the birth of our future child when family will come to visit. That seems logical, no?
Some background. We live across the country from all family. F's mom lives in a different state than the rest of our families. We tend to travel by default back 'home' where we are from because that is where everyone lives (except F's mom) and we can visit almost everyone at the same time. We try to persuade my mother-in-law to visit our home state (also hers) at the same time so we can all be together. She doesn't count these times as 'visiting her.'
When we have a baby, we are assuming our families will want to come and visit, to meet the grandchild, niece/nephew. That is a lot of people all at once. We want everyone to have their own time to spend with the baby without having to compete with everyone else (especially the moms), not to mention a less chaotic environment during a major life transition for us.
Why am I thinking about this now? I don't know but I can't help it. The conversation with my mother-in-law just made me want to plan this out now, even if it is fantasy, maybe even as a way of punishing her. Because we decided (yes, F even humored me and had this conversation) that my parents should have the first visit, because this will be their first, and probably only, grandchild.
---
It actually felt good to fantasize about something so uncertain. F and I so seldom allow ourselves to think ahead to life with a baby, to imagine success (out loud and together, at least). It was almost as if we were trying to visualize the outcome of this cycle (even if it originated from a place of family melodrama), if only in an indirect way, with something relatively safe and trivial, such as when will family come to visit. A possible outcome much more difficult is to even acknowledge is that this frozen, future child could arrive into the world with the same birthday as my Dad. A gift. To think too much about this possibility could bring me to tears. So I won't.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
BCP side effects
I started birth control pills for my FET cycle on March 19th. It is the same prescription I took for IVF and had no mentionable symptoms while taking them. This time, every night I sleep poorly in sweaty discomfort. Unhappy dreams. I can't seem to shower away the sweaty feeling in the morning. I am tired from not sleeping well. According to Dr. Google this is not a common symptom of starting or stopping birth control pills, but rather a symptom of menopause, HIV, tuberculosis, diabetes or fatal infection.
I do admit to eating too much sugar last week and needing to cut back for this cycle. It could be diet related or a combination of things. We even turn the heater off at night and the house gets down to 58-60 F.
Also, abdominal twinges--of the premenstrual kind. Sometimes accompanied by bloating. I think this is common after starting the pill. As are tender breasts, but mine are hardly tender. In fact, they seem to have shrunk to a smaller shape since after the miscarriage. Weird.
And acne. This too is common. bleh.
My primary complaint is the sweats. I keep thinking of the film, Tiny Furniture, when Aura shares her bed with a male acquaintance who asks something like, "You don't sweat the bed, do you? Girls always sweat the bed." She says no, she doesn't sweat the bed but in the morning he informs her that she did "sweat the bed."
So I am not the only one who sweats during sleep, but I still worry about night sweats. Especially since I will be adding Lupron on Monday. If I am feeling estrogen depleted now....
I do admit to eating too much sugar last week and needing to cut back for this cycle. It could be diet related or a combination of things. We even turn the heater off at night and the house gets down to 58-60 F.
Also, abdominal twinges--of the premenstrual kind. Sometimes accompanied by bloating. I think this is common after starting the pill. As are tender breasts, but mine are hardly tender. In fact, they seem to have shrunk to a smaller shape since after the miscarriage. Weird.
And acne. This too is common. bleh.
My primary complaint is the sweats. I keep thinking of the film, Tiny Furniture, when Aura shares her bed with a male acquaintance who asks something like, "You don't sweat the bed, do you? Girls always sweat the bed." She says no, she doesn't sweat the bed but in the morning he informs her that she did "sweat the bed."
So I am not the only one who sweats during sleep, but I still worry about night sweats. Especially since I will be adding Lupron on Monday. If I am feeling estrogen depleted now....
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