Assisted Hatching

I just got a bill in the mail for the Assisted Hatching of our embryos.  The problem is, we didn't realize that the embryologist performed Assisted Hatching on the embryos.  When we signed our consent forms, we agreed to those standard procedures in the embryology lab that may be needed at the time of thawing or transfer--you place an X or a check, I can't remember which, on what you agree to/do not agree to.  It is not like we would have refused Assisted Hatching, it is just concerning to me that it was never discussed with us on the day of the transfer or any consult leading up to the transfer.  Not even during the WTF appointment (during which I would think it would be very appropriate to discuss Assisted Hatching).  It was not explained as a standard procedure for FET (as I found online).  Nothing about how frozen embryos often have harder zona/shells, or how Assisted Hatching is commonly used to increase FET success because of this, was explained to us, ever.

Assisted Hatching is something I actually have never even thought about.  That some embryos need it is all I really know.  Maybe what bothers me, other than the fact that my RE and embryologist left out a pretty important piece of information about my care, is that I didn't have time to research beforehand like I do with everything else.  I didn't get a chance to ask questions about it during the consult.  Questions about embryo quality, for example.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have all the information about my diagnosis and treatment, I don't have all the subtle indicators that are written down in my patient notes.  I felt this way when an RE who was not my primary DR, answered a question with, "Well you know you do have some Diminished Ovarian Reserve."  No, I did not know that I had indicators of DOR.  My RE had never told me this.  He also never told me that our embryos may need Assisted Hatching, for whatever reason. 

Now I have to sit here and try to convince myself that it is just standard procedure for FET, nothing specific about the quality of our embryos, not an indication that the little ones transferred are not likely to grow.

Maybe if I felt pregnant right now I would have more confidence dealing with this issue.  Or maybe the real issue is that I don't feel pregnant and any surprise leaves me feeling like i have even less control over my life right now than I thought.

For those of you who have done FET, was assisted hatching part of the process?

Beta #3

beta #1 at 9dp6dFET: 67
beta #2 at 11dp6dFET: 147

beta #3 at 15dp6dFET or 4w6d: 1,610!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is a doubling time of 27.8 hours!

I really hope this is the one.

Fast Pulse

Over the weekend I discovered a new symptom to obsess over.  It was like discovering a dirty little secret, like cheating.  I thought I had truly scored.

F and I have one of those small battery operated wrist blood pressure readers.  You put it on, position your wrist over your heart and get your blood pressure and pulse.  Friday, the day of beta #2, AND the afternoon I felt the most pregnant so far, my pulse was 86 bpm.

My normal resting pulse is usually between 60-70 so this was an increase.  I immediately googled fast pulse during pregnancy and found the best symptom I could have hoped for--one that I can test whenever I want!

Yes, pregnancy may cause elevated pulse rates as your heart pumps more blood and oxygen to your uterus.  This symptom may begin even in early pregnancy.  It is very normal for your resting pulse to increase 10-20 beats per minute.

Cue, Saturday, when I didn't have ANY symptoms whatsoever.  I take my blood pressure and pulse.  Pulse 68.

Dammit.  There goes my reassurance. 

Does this mean my heart is not working extra for my uterus anymore?  That it doesn't need to?

Pulse on Sunday.  75.    Pulse on Monday.  72   Pulse on Tuesday.  77

Okay, this game is inconclusive at best. 


I'll just have to wait for beta #3.

Advice to Myself at 4w4d

There are three ways to experience this purgatory called early pregnancy.

1.  I can believe that it is just a chemical pregnancy waiting to be confirmed by Tuesday's beta.
2.  I can believe that I am a little pregnant now but wait for it to all come to an end.  Or,
3.  I can believe that I am pregnant based on my doubling betas so far.  I can believe.

If I do have a negative outcome on Tuesday or the week after at the ultrasound or in the weeks after that, I will feel the same disappointment and devastation no matter what outlook I choose.  So why not choose outlook number three and be happy?

I am really trying.

Light a candle; all we can do is hope.

Beta #2

We have doubling. 

Beta #1: 67
Beta #2: 147

I really didn't know what to expect today.  I still have one more beta to go, as my clinic does 3 Bhcg tests for FETs.  That won't be until Tuesday due to the holiday.  But I think this wait will be easier. 

Thank you all so much for your encouraging comments.  I am still being a complete cry baby about everything, but I am coping much better today.  My goal is to have a fun memorial day weekend and remain distracted.

Beta #1

I just got the call from the nurse.  First let me say that I am a complete wreck.  I've been crying all day.  I just can't help it.  This was even before I got the result.  Which is positive.  But we knew that already.

The number isn't as stellar as I was hoping, isn't as clearly YOU ARE PREGNANT as I had hoped.  My hcg level is 67.

My response to the nurse was a flat and disappointed, "Oh."

She knew and said, "Well, numbers for frozen embryos tend to be lower than fresh, so you have nothing to worry about at this point."  She also said congratulations.  And sounded happy.

My clinic calls with one of the following results--pregnant, not pregnant or maybe.  The nurse did not give me a 'maybe' result.  She said, "Congratulations, you are pregnant!"

So why does this feel like a 'maybe?'

Because Monday night I had a bad dream.  I've been dreaming about toilets the past few nights (probably because I have to pee), toilets that have spilled over, are not working, are disgusting or have some barrier preventing their use.  Monday night I had a dream I was cramping and spotting.  I kept wiping and wiping with toilet paper until I had clogged the toilet.  Water was spilling everywhere and soon I was standing in it.  I was trying to call for F in my dream but no sound would come out.  Then I went to the bathroom mirror and saw bloody leaches coming out of my mouth (yes, leaches.  I know, disgusting, sorry).  I was trying to wipe them away and call for F.  When I woke up I had this sort of numb, gut feeling that the pregnancy was gone.  

I was groggy all morning and felt a bit feverish, like I was coming down with something.

I also felt less bloated, sort of deflated.  I just couldn't get rid of this horrible feeling that the pregnancy had already stopped growing. 

My 8dp6dt hpt was barely indistinguishable from 7dp6dt.  Today, at 9dp6dt, I felt a little reassurance with a slightly darker line.  It wouldn't darken even a little if it weren't increasing, right? 

Yet now I still feel less bloated than Monday.  Less crampy.  Simply, Less.  My gut says this is a chemical pregnancy.  I am trying to prove myself wrong.

I am trying to take one day at a time, to not focus on symptoms.   To not give the number 67 too much resoluteness.  Focus on the positive, literally.

I need a major distraction tonight.  Tomorrow is covered.  Friday will be excruciating.

Getting Darker Every Day

Hanging in there with two more days until the beta.

Yesterday I got queasy cleaning the car.
I feel crampy on and off.

I'll take as many good signs as I can, please.

-----

Now for something superstitious.

Four days after my IVF transfer in early December we viewed a lunar eclipse. 
Six days after my FET transfer we viewed a solar eclipse.

5dp6dt FET

In accordance with my hpt plan (which F found out about yesterday as I did not hide the wrapper well in the trash can), I tested again this morning with a FRER.

I can say that I do not need to squint nor do I need to angle the stick in the light to see the second line.  It is still faint, but the line is definitely there and darker than 4dp6dt FET.  Darker than my chemical pregnancy hpt at 16dpIUI in 2010.

I am trying to stay calm and take it one test/day at a time until the beta.  F is not reacting yet.  I don't think he believed me yesterday about the super faint positive (i knew he wouldn't be able to see it).  I know it can still go either way.  It could turn out to be a chemical.  It could also work this time.

I've read a couple mentions of initial FET betas being lower than non-frozen transfers/pregnancies.  And I'm scheduled for three betas instead of two.  I meant to ask about it at my transfer but I forgot.  Does anyone know?

Beside Me Sits an HPT

(and a snoring cat)

Today I am 4dp6dFET.  Yesterday I was a wreck.  The day before, I cried several times a day.   After IVF in December I chose to ignore all symptoms after the transfer.  So I have no record of what I was feeling and nothing to compare.  For instance, yesterday I was sooo thirsty.  Symptom? 

When I googled 3dp6dt FET, my hits took me to women who were already getting positives on their hpts!  What?!  So, logically,  I ran out and bought four tests. Three FRER and one off brand.  Then I immediately peed on the off brand.

It was negative.  Of course it was.

It was one of those that give you the plus or minus in the window.  I hate those.  I don't know why I bought it.

I decided I would continue to test early.  With the idea that daily testing will take away some of the anxiety of waiting on a set test date (you know, a date where I might get an accurate reading???).

This morning, at 4dp6dFET I tested again with a FRER.  There is a second line so faint that it won't show up in a photograph.  But it is there.  I am sure of it.  Unless I am crazy.  But I've spent a lot of mornings squinting and angling FRER hpts, and it is there.  And not in the form of that colorless fake line that only infertile eyes can see, but pink.  A so very light pink line.

I won't show F because I know he won't see it.  He also won't squint for it.  In fact, he wouldn't approve of my early testing plan at all.

I'll retest tomorrow and hope the line grows darker.  Please, please grow darker!

Lie Down for Two Days

The REs at my clinic belong to the camp that prescribes best rest after transfers.  And I comply.  Because how nice was it this morning to stay in bed until 11am? 

Actually, after a 6 hour car ride and nightly progesterone shots, my hips are screaming.

Day one of bed rest was spent reclined in the passenger seat.  I am halfway through day two and I would give anything to be able to do yoga right now and stretch my hips. 

No, I take that back--I would suffer through screaming hips, lying on my back and typing on my side to get one one these embryos to implant and grow into a baby.

------

Overall, the transfer went well.    We got a call from the embryologist about an hour before we were supposed to check in.  She told us that one of the embryos did not survive that thaw. 

We had one "great looking" embryo and still two that were frozen.  Labs thaw embryos early and in case one doesn't make it, another can be thawed in time for the transfer.  We decided to go ahead and thaw until we had two perfect embryos to transfer.  We ended the call and didn't hear back until we were in the transfer waiting/recovery area.

We had two embryos to transfer with one still frozen.

When embryos are vitrified they lose the fluid surrounding the cells.  When they thaw they sort of take a giant breath and that fluid comes back.  Our embryo did not take its fluid breath. 

That is how I remember the embryologist describing it.  Though she had already handed me my Valium.

I was wheeled into the transfer room.  "Your name is Jillian Pierce, your date of birth is 10/1/76 and you are transferring 2 embryos today"

-------

No sex or orgasm, no exercise or strenuous activity, no swimming or bathing until Bhcg.

Countdown to Transfer

Estrogen is at 1,116.

Progesterone is 33.1.

Last week my lining measured a supple thickness of 12.2.

The transfer is scheduled for 1:00 pm on Monday.  The lab will thaw the two best embryos in the morning and hopefully those same two will be the ones transferred that afternoon.

I'm still a bit nervous about transferring two, but we know that two will give us the best chance of success at this point.

-----

After having such an empowering self-injection experience with IM injections, I've continued to self inject on both sides.  The left side is more difficult due to my right-handedness, so with that side, after I push the needle in, F takes over with the pull back and actual injection while I hold my skin taut.  Oddly, it is only my left side that feels any soreness from the PIO.

Speaking of progesterone, I decided to do a pointless little experiment with my Basal Body Temperature.  I wanted to see when my temperature spike would occur in relation to my P4 levels and the number of days on injections.  In other words, how quickly my BBT would respond to the Progesterone injections.

The answer is 2 days.  Even with a high P4 level of 33.1 yesterday morning, my BBT had not spiked yet and was still at 97.3 (which is my average pre-ovulation temperature).  I started PIO injections Tuesday evening.  No spike Wednesday, no spike Thursday. 

Kinda interesting, no?  I thought it was kinda interesting.  Now I can stop temping again and not feel like such a nerd.  F keeps asking, "why are you taking your temperature?"  I'm embarrassed.

"If you ever need embies you know where to come!"

Facebook hasn't been all that awful for me during my infertility in terms of pregnancy announcements, participation in ill-conceived breast cancer awareness campaigns, creepy ultrasound photos and monthly photo shoots of the same babies and toddlers.  I've encountered enough of these to be able to list them in the previous sentence, but not enough to cause me to skip my daily facebook scroll.

About a year ago, a friend from high school, not a close friend or a friend I "hung out with" outside of school and the ballet class we both attended, but someone I liked--you know the kind--posted photos of her preemie in the NICU.  Something about the album alerted my infertility radar.

Then a few months ago she posted a different kind of album on facebook.  One that told the story of how her sister became pregnant with her frozen embryo.  Her sister was her surrogate for her second pregnancy.  For Infertility Awareness Week she wrote a great explanation of surrogacy, IVF and FET in a note and facebook friends rallied around her and her beautiful story.  It was at this point that I reached out.

I wrote to her privately and shared my story, thanked her for sharing hers publicly and wished her growing family all the best.  I was grateful to be having a conversation with someone I know in real life who also faces infertility.  We've exchanged messages back and forth since.  And then-- The way she ended her last message shocked and baffled me.  After expressing concern over what to do with her remaining embryos, she wrote, "That being said, if you ever need embies you know where to come!"

It actually took my breath away.  If I had liquid in my mouth I would have spit it out all over the computer screen.  My thoughts raced from, "Really?! OK!" to "is it that simple?" to wondering how we could possibly negotiate that and all the complexities we would encounter, to finally, wtf was she thinking making an offer like that?

I mean really, WTF was she thinking making an offer like that? 

Thoughts?

Triple Stripe

"Your lining looks gorgeous."  It measured either 12.2 or 13, I can't remember.  Just waiting for the transfer and implantation.

I asked the nurse if it could start to spoil, you know, go bad in the next week.  Why can't I start the progesterone now, if my lining is ready? 

I will continue my Delestrogen injections and start progesterone on Tuesday the 8th and have my transfer on the 14th. 

I feel like I have been waiting and waiting and now suddenly the transfer is right around the corner!