The month of May feels like ages ago. The FET that led to this miscarriage hardly feels like it happened this year. But it had to have because it is just now coming to an end. And coming full circle, as they say.
Two months and ten days ago I wrote a post called Getting Darker Everyday about the gradual darkening of my positive hpts. It is so strange now to pee on a stick with the hope of that beloved pink line disappearing. It feels a bit sacrilegious.
The encouraging news is that all bleeding has finally ceased! After 44 days of bleeding and spotting I have not had any spotting so far today! I did not go in for the 'let's-see-what-might-be-going-on' ultrasound today! My body must have heeded the warning because on Friday the spotting was much lighter and I was fairly confident that it would end by Monday so that I could cancel my Tuesday appointment.
Additionally, I took a FRER hpt on Sunday evening just to be sure the HCG looked low (based on past FRER hpt and same day betas, I can make a pretty good guess at my blood hcg levels). The line was barely there, but I didn't use FMU and had been drinking lots of water all day so I wasn't sure, but I guessed that Tuesday's levels would be lower than my last beta of 49.3. I took another hpt this morning with FMU and it was a little darker than Sunday evening, with the main difference being that F could not see the positive line on Sunday and could barely see it today. My eyes are much better trained for detecting pink lines.
Based on today's test, my guess is that my hcg levels are somewhere between 10 and 20. I decided to wait another day to go in for my beta. I'll go tomorrow. I really want this to be the last post miscarriage beta I need. I'll test again tomorrow and post a picture with the blood result. We'll see how good my ability for predicting blood hcg levels with an hpt are then.
Moving on feels better.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Infertility Resumes
I'm still feeling discouraged about my treatment. Discouraged in a way I haven't really experienced until now. A new kind of discouraged. The kind that comes before giving in. In which you realize that it might be easier to accept defeat. And move on.
I haven't cried about this miscarriage much at all. I just want to be over it. Not just the bleeding. All of it. All of Infertility and loss. Fuck it. Maybe it would be more accurate to say I am sick of losing.
I remember telling F after we were pregnant from our first IUI with clomid, even though it was a chemical pregnancy, that getting pregnant on our first try just seemed too easy (that thought faded quickly after 3 subsequent BFNs). But I said the same thing again after we found out we were pregnant after our first IVF. We had an excellent fertilization rate with excellent blasts and we were pregnant after transferring one 5 day blast. It just seemed too easy (yes, in a very ironic way, however. In fact, F looked at me as if I were crazy when I said that Easy?). Even though IVF #1 ended in an early miscarriage, we were hopeful that we could do it again with our FET cycle. And we did, just not in the way we had hoped. Another pregnancy only brought another loss.
When I write it all out-- 1 round of clomid, 3 rounds of clomid + IUI, 1 IUI with injectables, 1 IVF and FET and 1 chemical pregnancy and 2 miscarriages--it actually doesn't seem that discouraging (okay it does, but...). If I take away the waste of time and money IUIs, all we have is 1 IVF and 1 FET. As I said in a previous post, I feel that we are only at the beginning of the IVF process. It very often takes multiple tries at IVF to get your live, take home baby. I know that because of the enormous number of IF bloggers who persisted.
When I need hope, I return to those bloggers who have achieved what I am currently fighting for. In fact, most of the bloggers in my reading list are now parenting after infertility, or in the final weeks of their pregnancy after multiple IVF attempts. In my search for hope, I went back and reviewed the infertility resumes of all the success stories that came after multiple IVF in my reader.
I think they will give hope to anyone still struggling and I offer them to you.
These bloggers carry infertility resumes that are longer and more difficult than mine, bloggers who, after many losses, pressed on to success and whose stories I so need right now. This list is not meant to value one resolution or option over another, such as living childfree after IVF or using donor eggs after multiple IVF attempts with your own eggs or adoption after IVF. It is merely a list of bloggers who pursued the same trajectory that I am currently pursuing--IVF with my own eggs. If I missed or messed up any details I sincerely apologize.
"The Chronicles of Violetta Magarita"
diagnosis: unexplained IF
status: 28 weeks after IVF #3!!!
"Awaiting our miracles"
diagnosis: MFI, auto-immune hypothyroidism
status: parenting after an FET following 2 IVFs + ICSI
"Can I get some sugar with these lemons?"
diagnosis: advanced endo with one ovary and tube
status: parenting after a spontaneous natural pregnancy following 2 falied IVF cycles and one FET
"Deliquent Eggs"
diagnosis: Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and immune factors
status: parenting after IVF #2
"Empty Oven"
diagnosis: unexplained IF with elevated FSH and MFI after cancer
status: 38 weeks after IVF #3!!!
"Everyone else but me"
diagnosis: MFI? Endo and repeat ectopic pregnancies
status: parenting after FET #3 following IVF + ICSI #3!!!
"Handling Plan B" aka "Plan B and Beyond"
diagnosis: MFI, unexplained female IF
status: parenting after an FET following IVF # 2
"Infertility Musings"
diagnosis: unexplained and Hashimoto's Thyroid
status: parenting after an FET from IVF #3!!!
"The 2 week wait"
diagnosis: unexplained?
status: parenting after IVF #3!!!
"The Birds and the Bees"
diagnosis: MFI and AMA?
status: parenting after an FET from IVF #4!!!!
"Waiting and Wishing"
diagnosis: irregular periods
status: 34 weeks pregnant after IVF + ICSI #2
"Yet another IF blog"
diagnosis: borderline MFI, endo and polyps
status: 38+ weeks after FET #2 following one IVF cycle
'Stress Free Infertility"
diagnosis: MFI and ?
status: parenting #1 after 2 IVF cycles and one FET, parenting #2 and #3 from FET #2 after IVF
and many more...
If you have a blog to add, perhaps your own, please leave a link in the comment section. I would love to add more bloggers to my list of hope.
I haven't cried about this miscarriage much at all. I just want to be over it. Not just the bleeding. All of it. All of Infertility and loss. Fuck it. Maybe it would be more accurate to say I am sick of losing.
I remember telling F after we were pregnant from our first IUI with clomid, even though it was a chemical pregnancy, that getting pregnant on our first try just seemed too easy (that thought faded quickly after 3 subsequent BFNs). But I said the same thing again after we found out we were pregnant after our first IVF. We had an excellent fertilization rate with excellent blasts and we were pregnant after transferring one 5 day blast. It just seemed too easy (yes, in a very ironic way, however. In fact, F looked at me as if I were crazy when I said that Easy?). Even though IVF #1 ended in an early miscarriage, we were hopeful that we could do it again with our FET cycle. And we did, just not in the way we had hoped. Another pregnancy only brought another loss.
When I write it all out-- 1 round of clomid, 3 rounds of clomid + IUI, 1 IUI with injectables, 1 IVF and FET and 1 chemical pregnancy and 2 miscarriages--it actually doesn't seem that discouraging (okay it does, but...). If I take away the waste of time and money IUIs, all we have is 1 IVF and 1 FET. As I said in a previous post, I feel that we are only at the beginning of the IVF process. It very often takes multiple tries at IVF to get your live, take home baby. I know that because of the enormous number of IF bloggers who persisted.
When I need hope, I return to those bloggers who have achieved what I am currently fighting for. In fact, most of the bloggers in my reading list are now parenting after infertility, or in the final weeks of their pregnancy after multiple IVF attempts. In my search for hope, I went back and reviewed the infertility resumes of all the success stories that came after multiple IVF in my reader.
I think they will give hope to anyone still struggling and I offer them to you.
These bloggers carry infertility resumes that are longer and more difficult than mine, bloggers who, after many losses, pressed on to success and whose stories I so need right now. This list is not meant to value one resolution or option over another, such as living childfree after IVF or using donor eggs after multiple IVF attempts with your own eggs or adoption after IVF. It is merely a list of bloggers who pursued the same trajectory that I am currently pursuing--IVF with my own eggs. If I missed or messed up any details I sincerely apologize.
"The Chronicles of Violetta Magarita"
diagnosis: unexplained IF
status: 28 weeks after IVF #3!!!
"Awaiting our miracles"
diagnosis: MFI, auto-immune hypothyroidism
status: parenting after an FET following 2 IVFs + ICSI
"Can I get some sugar with these lemons?"
diagnosis: advanced endo with one ovary and tube
status: parenting after a spontaneous natural pregnancy following 2 falied IVF cycles and one FET
"Deliquent Eggs"
diagnosis: Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and immune factors
status: parenting after IVF #2
"Empty Oven"
diagnosis: unexplained IF with elevated FSH and MFI after cancer
status: 38 weeks after IVF #3!!!
"Everyone else but me"
diagnosis: MFI? Endo and repeat ectopic pregnancies
status: parenting after FET #3 following IVF + ICSI #3!!!
"Handling Plan B" aka "Plan B and Beyond"
diagnosis: MFI, unexplained female IF
status: parenting after an FET following IVF # 2
"Infertility Musings"
diagnosis: unexplained and Hashimoto's Thyroid
status: parenting after an FET from IVF #3!!!
"The 2 week wait"
diagnosis: unexplained?
status: parenting after IVF #3!!!
"The Birds and the Bees"
diagnosis: MFI and AMA?
status: parenting after an FET from IVF #4!!!!
"Waiting and Wishing"
diagnosis: irregular periods
status: 34 weeks pregnant after IVF + ICSI #2
"Yet another IF blog"
diagnosis: borderline MFI, endo and polyps
status: 38+ weeks after FET #2 following one IVF cycle
'Stress Free Infertility"
diagnosis: MFI and ?
status: parenting #1 after 2 IVF cycles and one FET, parenting #2 and #3 from FET #2 after IVF
and many more...
If you have a blog to add, perhaps your own, please leave a link in the comment section. I would love to add more bloggers to my list of hope.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Worried
I don't know if the dull, deep and centrally localized crampy feelings/twinges (can you tell I don't really know how to describe the sensation?) are just my imagination or actually there, but when I woke up this morning to find more red blood, I began to worry that something might be wrong.
You know, because bleeding for 39 days doesn't seem normal, even for a natural miscarriage. So I called the nurses' line for some advice.
If the bleeding doesn't cease by Tuesday when I go in for my next beta, I will also have an ultrasound to take a look inside. I'm this close to just scheduling a d&c, but we will see what the pantyliner looks like for next few days and what the u/s reveals, if it becomes necessary.
My RE wants to do the ultrasound, which means another road trip across the state to his office. The funny things is, I was dreading going back to my local lab (where everybody knows my name) for the beta. Now look what I've done.
I'm most afraid of infection. My uterus seems to be the only asset I have going for me fertility wise and I don't want to wreck that, too. I feel that I am in the best hands with my RE as far as performing this ultrasound. If I end up needing a d&c, I would want to have it done at my clinic, if possible, anyway and could schedule it right then and there. I think.
It would be so much easier if the bleeding would just stop tomorrow or Friday or Saturday or even Sunday so that on Monday I can cancel the ultrasound, travel 5 minutes, instead of hours, to my local lab for the beta, and have my hcg levels come back at under 5.
Probably a long shot. But I can hope.
You know, because bleeding for 39 days doesn't seem normal, even for a natural miscarriage. So I called the nurses' line for some advice.
If the bleeding doesn't cease by Tuesday when I go in for my next beta, I will also have an ultrasound to take a look inside. I'm this close to just scheduling a d&c, but we will see what the pantyliner looks like for next few days and what the u/s reveals, if it becomes necessary.
My RE wants to do the ultrasound, which means another road trip across the state to his office. The funny things is, I was dreading going back to my local lab (where everybody knows my name) for the beta. Now look what I've done.
I'm most afraid of infection. My uterus seems to be the only asset I have going for me fertility wise and I don't want to wreck that, too. I feel that I am in the best hands with my RE as far as performing this ultrasound. If I end up needing a d&c, I would want to have it done at my clinic, if possible, anyway and could schedule it right then and there. I think.
It would be so much easier if the bleeding would just stop tomorrow or Friday or Saturday or even Sunday so that on Monday I can cancel the ultrasound, travel 5 minutes, instead of hours, to my local lab for the beta, and have my hcg levels come back at under 5.
Probably a long shot. But I can hope.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Worth
Sometimes when I am feeling especially masochistic (or rather strong, or just happen upon it when I have forgiven the nytimes), I read the Motherlode column. Other masochistic pleasures include watching Pregnant in Heels, reading Samantha Bee's Eating Over the Sink and skyping with my in-laws. Anyway, I clicked on the link for Motherlode this time around because of the title, "Rolling the Dice of a Genetic Legacy."
In my reading experience, the comment section of ANY nytimes article that addresses infertility or IVF is full of "why don't you just adopt-there are so many children needing homes-infertile couples should adopt-IVF is selfish-why did you wait so long-the world is overpopulated" comments.
This post was different.
The author has a genetic disease called Osteogenesis Imperfecta, or brittle bone disease, and passed this disease to her daughter. To conceive their second child, she and her husband decided to try IVF with PGD to screen their embryos for OI. Of the four embryos, only one did not have the mutation; but that embryo did not result in a pregnancy. Rather than do IVF a second time, the couple chose to conceive naturally. They did (and later did again). Thankfully, the two youngest children do not have OI.
Sometimes I forget that not everyone who pursues IVF does so because they are infertile. Not to mention the fact that IVF is not a guarantee of pregnancy, even for fertile couples! Infertility aside, I still expected the comment section to be full of insensitive and thoughtless comments about how this couple should have adopted, should not have had a second child, should not have had children at all, ecetera, ecetera. But unlike similar articles about infertile couples, there were none of these comments (at least when I first read it. Later, there was one comment about how this couple was selfish for passing on their genes, but only one).
I have to admit that I was surprised by the supportive reaction. Sadly, or bitterly, my first reaction was to wonder if an infertile woman writing about PGD would have received the same support from the nytimes commentors, and to recall the all too many insensitive and misinformed attacks on IVF and infertile couples originating from the nytimes.
It is not that I wanted this author to be attacked for trying to build her family. I could certainly relate to the desire to have a biological child. I found their attempt to try IVF with PGD noble. It is just that the post left me with mixed emotions. I slowly realized that what I was feeling was low self-worth. Specifically, as an infertile woman, like a lonely member of a caste system that devalues my struggle.
Even when I know it is just as noble to pursue IVF to treat my infertility as it was for this author to prevent genetic disease.
In my reading experience, the comment section of ANY nytimes article that addresses infertility or IVF is full of "why don't you just adopt-there are so many children needing homes-infertile couples should adopt-IVF is selfish-why did you wait so long-the world is overpopulated" comments.
This post was different.
The author has a genetic disease called Osteogenesis Imperfecta, or brittle bone disease, and passed this disease to her daughter. To conceive their second child, she and her husband decided to try IVF with PGD to screen their embryos for OI. Of the four embryos, only one did not have the mutation; but that embryo did not result in a pregnancy. Rather than do IVF a second time, the couple chose to conceive naturally. They did (and later did again). Thankfully, the two youngest children do not have OI.
Sometimes I forget that not everyone who pursues IVF does so because they are infertile. Not to mention the fact that IVF is not a guarantee of pregnancy, even for fertile couples! Infertility aside, I still expected the comment section to be full of insensitive and thoughtless comments about how this couple should have adopted, should not have had a second child, should not have had children at all, ecetera, ecetera. But unlike similar articles about infertile couples, there were none of these comments (at least when I first read it. Later, there was one comment about how this couple was selfish for passing on their genes, but only one).
I have to admit that I was surprised by the supportive reaction. Sadly, or bitterly, my first reaction was to wonder if an infertile woman writing about PGD would have received the same support from the nytimes commentors, and to recall the all too many insensitive and misinformed attacks on IVF and infertile couples originating from the nytimes.
It is not that I wanted this author to be attacked for trying to build her family. I could certainly relate to the desire to have a biological child. I found their attempt to try IVF with PGD noble. It is just that the post left me with mixed emotions. I slowly realized that what I was feeling was low self-worth. Specifically, as an infertile woman, like a lonely member of a caste system that devalues my struggle.
Even when I know it is just as noble to pursue IVF to treat my infertility as it was for this author to prevent genetic disease.
Monday, July 23, 2012
July ICLW
Hello dear bloggers. July's ICLW finds me still bleeding (back down to spotting, woohoo!) from my third miscarriage that began 36 days ago. How is your summer? I would sure like to swim in the cool blue river that sparkles like paradise. But I can't.
Wanna come to my pity party?
Wanna come to my pity party?
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Post-Miscarriage Beta #3
This will be brief because I am, through fit and tears, in the process of, psychologically, letting go of my pre-conceived timeline of IVF #2.
I don't know how to plan IVF around my life because I would rather plan my life around IVF.
Opportunities are popping up that will require me to travel in September and again in October and all I can think about is the fact that IF my hcg levels do not drop to zero now, THEN I can't start birth control pills in August AND THEN I have no hope of a retrieval before things get busy in September and I have to travel.
Current beta Hcg: 49.3
It has taken two weeks for it to drop from 280.1 to 49.3. WHY?!
They are not concerned because it is dropping.
At least the bleeding seems to finally be tapering off.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
How To Make Your Infertile Friend Feel Like Shit
As a pregnant woman, you have the perfect opportunity to re-connect with your infertile friend. Especially now that she has had multiple miscarriages. You almost had babies due at the same time! This is a time when you can really support each other. And talk about what you now have in common: pregnancy. Just remember that the most important and supportive thing you can do is to assume that your infertile friend WILL have a baby very soon. The only way to do this is to talk about pregnancy and birth and babies as if she were a fertile myrtle. IVF makes you fertile, right?
Here are some suggestions:
While you are pregnant, tell your friend all about your worst pregnancy symptoms as well as the fun pregnancy symptoms. Tell her how shocked she will be by them. Follow that up with thoughts about how amazing pregnancy is. *A M A Z I N G*
Make sure to remind her that you had a miscarriage, too. At least you think it was a miscarriage. You can't be sure though because you have really long and unpredictable cycles. It's incredible that you were even able to get pregnant in the first place!
Then share all the saddest miscarriage and pregnancy loss stories that have happened to your other friends, your friend's friends, your cousin's friends and the aunt you hardly know. Just make sure that all the women you talk about never had any fertility issues and went on to have lots of babies.
This will make you think of a friend's older sister who has two children from clomid treatments. Your infertile friend did a few rounds of clomid before IVF, right? Share this story on at least two different occasions. And she was over 40!
When your infertile friend tells you that another pregnancy wasn't viable, cry with her. Tell her later that you cried all evening. Explain that your pregnancy hormones are raging and you are super emotional.
As you approach your due date, your support and knowledge of pregnancy is even more important than ever. Your infertile friend may confide that the waits can be very difficult--the wait to miscarry, the wait to cycle again, the wait for test results, the wait for bleeding to end or AF to begin. Tell her that you can definitely relate to that! You've been waiting to pop this overdue baby out for a week! Tell her how uncomfortable you've been during the last few week's of your pregnancy. The wait is kind of making you depressed. You can tell her what your midwife told you: "Take time to pamper yourself while you wait for your baby, enjoy this time with your partner. Do something special for yourself before the baby gets here!"
Randomly ask her if she has ever tried bee pollen. Because you know a guy who decided he wanted to have a baby with this chick so they both started taking bee pollen and BAM, she got pregnant.
When you do finally have your baby, text her at least 3 baby pictures a day. Then make sure to call to see how she is doing. Is she still bleeding from her miscarriage? Tell her how amazing human life is and that you cannot believe you grew this little person inside of you and then pushed him out. Ask her if she can hear all the cute little sounds your newborn is making. It is actually kind of hard to pay attention to what she is saying because he is just so amazing.
Talk about your big boobs. Ask your infertile friend if she plans to breastfeed. Tell her you will feel so sorry for her if she has IVF twins and has to breastfeed two!
Now that you've had your baby, you don't need to call as often to check in. She's probably doing much better now, anyway. And you have a baby to look at! Your friend is even sending you a gift! When you get it in the mail you can call her and tell her how fucking cute your baby looks in it. Or you could just send a picture.
Your friend is so strong and resilient. Just like a woman's body giving birth.
Here are some suggestions:
While you are pregnant, tell your friend all about your worst pregnancy symptoms as well as the fun pregnancy symptoms. Tell her how shocked she will be by them. Follow that up with thoughts about how amazing pregnancy is. *A M A Z I N G*
Make sure to remind her that you had a miscarriage, too. At least you think it was a miscarriage. You can't be sure though because you have really long and unpredictable cycles. It's incredible that you were even able to get pregnant in the first place!
Then share all the saddest miscarriage and pregnancy loss stories that have happened to your other friends, your friend's friends, your cousin's friends and the aunt you hardly know. Just make sure that all the women you talk about never had any fertility issues and went on to have lots of babies.
This will make you think of a friend's older sister who has two children from clomid treatments. Your infertile friend did a few rounds of clomid before IVF, right? Share this story on at least two different occasions. And she was over 40!
When your infertile friend tells you that another pregnancy wasn't viable, cry with her. Tell her later that you cried all evening. Explain that your pregnancy hormones are raging and you are super emotional.
As you approach your due date, your support and knowledge of pregnancy is even more important than ever. Your infertile friend may confide that the waits can be very difficult--the wait to miscarry, the wait to cycle again, the wait for test results, the wait for bleeding to end or AF to begin. Tell her that you can definitely relate to that! You've been waiting to pop this overdue baby out for a week! Tell her how uncomfortable you've been during the last few week's of your pregnancy. The wait is kind of making you depressed. You can tell her what your midwife told you: "Take time to pamper yourself while you wait for your baby, enjoy this time with your partner. Do something special for yourself before the baby gets here!"
Randomly ask her if she has ever tried bee pollen. Because you know a guy who decided he wanted to have a baby with this chick so they both started taking bee pollen and BAM, she got pregnant.
When you do finally have your baby, text her at least 3 baby pictures a day. Then make sure to call to see how she is doing. Is she still bleeding from her miscarriage? Tell her how amazing human life is and that you cannot believe you grew this little person inside of you and then pushed him out. Ask her if she can hear all the cute little sounds your newborn is making. It is actually kind of hard to pay attention to what she is saying because he is just so amazing.
Talk about your big boobs. Ask your infertile friend if she plans to breastfeed. Tell her you will feel so sorry for her if she has IVF twins and has to breastfeed two!
Now that you've had your baby, you don't need to call as often to check in. She's probably doing much better now, anyway. And you have a baby to look at! Your friend is even sending you a gift! When you get it in the mail you can call her and tell her how fucking cute your baby looks in it. Or you could just send a picture.
Your friend is so strong and resilient. Just like a woman's body giving birth.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
The Discussion
This is what my clinic has named the consultation that most patients refer to as the WTF appointment.
But first, an update on post-miscarriage beta #2: The actual number was 280.1. Down from 1, 210 two weeks ago. In related news, my twenty days of bleeding has increased to twenty-five days of bleeding. No sign of an end in sight. Every morning discovery of even more bright red blood deflates my soul little by little. Today, I am in a rotten mood. Rotten and sick of it.
--------
The Discussion was worth it?? I don't know. We were there to review the results of the Chromosome Karyotyping test, immune testing for clotting disorders, recommendations for our next IVF cycle and to discuss how/if the shared risk program will be affected by CCS testing of embryos.
Chromosomes Karyotyping: Normal for both F and I (as expected).
Immune Clotting: Normal/negative
Recommendations for next IVF: CCS (which we already knew), 2 embryos for transfers, and possibly a new protocol to be determined after Day 3 testing. We can have our remaining frozen embryo from IVF #1 thawed and screened with the new embryos as well.
I have realized that every discussion I have with REs, whether the discussion occurs after hormone test results, baseline scans or failed cycles, contains the phrase, "...which is unusual for your age."
Your FSH is slightly higher than what is expected for someone in your age group."
Your AMH is a bit lower than what is expected for someone in your age group."
Your antral follicle count is on the lower side for someone in your age group."
CCS testing is more common in our patients who are over the age of forty."
I sort of feel robbed of my thirties.
Shared Risk Program: Because of CCS, we will not have a fresh transfer. Rather than lose a transfer included in the program (program includes 3 fresh and 3 frozen transfers) we will instead get 2 frozen transfers for each retrieval. I did ask if we could, if we wanted, transfer 2 fresh day 5 embryos and test the rest, but we will probably "do it right," as F says, test all the embryos and wait it out a cycle for a frozen transfer.
It is just unbelievable that this frozen transfer won't happen until November. July: stop bleeding; August: cycle day 1, baselines scan, birth control pills; September: IVF; October: prepare for FET.
Cue bad mood and discouragement. Where progress and pregnancy seem unattainable. As does the enjoyment of summer if I can think of nothing but November. I know I have had these feelings before and they pass just as progress is made. I am just wallowing in the low point of the wait between miscarriage/failed cycle and cycle day 1.
And I am feeling impatient. Yuck, this bad mood is the worst!
But first, an update on post-miscarriage beta #2: The actual number was 280.1. Down from 1, 210 two weeks ago. In related news, my twenty days of bleeding has increased to twenty-five days of bleeding. No sign of an end in sight. Every morning discovery of even more bright red blood deflates my soul little by little. Today, I am in a rotten mood. Rotten and sick of it.
--------
The Discussion was worth it?? I don't know. We were there to review the results of the Chromosome Karyotyping test, immune testing for clotting disorders, recommendations for our next IVF cycle and to discuss how/if the shared risk program will be affected by CCS testing of embryos.
Chromosomes Karyotyping: Normal for both F and I (as expected).
Immune Clotting: Normal/negative
Recommendations for next IVF: CCS (which we already knew), 2 embryos for transfers, and possibly a new protocol to be determined after Day 3 testing. We can have our remaining frozen embryo from IVF #1 thawed and screened with the new embryos as well.
I have realized that every discussion I have with REs, whether the discussion occurs after hormone test results, baseline scans or failed cycles, contains the phrase, "...which is unusual for your age."
Your FSH is slightly higher than what is expected for someone in your age group."
Your AMH is a bit lower than what is expected for someone in your age group."
Your antral follicle count is on the lower side for someone in your age group."
CCS testing is more common in our patients who are over the age of forty."
I sort of feel robbed of my thirties.
Shared Risk Program: Because of CCS, we will not have a fresh transfer. Rather than lose a transfer included in the program (program includes 3 fresh and 3 frozen transfers) we will instead get 2 frozen transfers for each retrieval. I did ask if we could, if we wanted, transfer 2 fresh day 5 embryos and test the rest, but we will probably "do it right," as F says, test all the embryos and wait it out a cycle for a frozen transfer.
It is just unbelievable that this frozen transfer won't happen until November. July: stop bleeding; August: cycle day 1, baselines scan, birth control pills; September: IVF; October: prepare for FET.
Cue bad mood and discouragement. Where progress and pregnancy seem unattainable. As does the enjoyment of summer if I can think of nothing but November. I know I have had these feelings before and they pass just as progress is made. I am just wallowing in the low point of the wait between miscarriage/failed cycle and cycle day 1.
And I am feeling impatient. Yuck, this bad mood is the worst!
Friday, July 6, 2012
Post Miscarriage Beta #2
Post-Miscarriage beta #1 taken two weeks ago: 1, 210
The good news is that my Hcg levels are going down. I was a bit worried that the prolonged bleeding and its recent resurgence might indicate that a certain something was sticking around in my uterus pumping out hormones. I suppose the light, period-like bleeding I have been having for the past three days is simply FET miscarriage, part 2. And normal.
Twenty Days of bleeding, pads and panty liners. No swimming. No sex. And the longer I bleed, the farther away my next period and cycle day 1 becomes. Miscarriages really get in the way of treatment and trying to get pregnant, don't they?
The bad news is that I have to go back, yet again, to my local medical center for a beta blood draw. Gaw, I hate that whole experience and the way it feels like a walk of shame every time.
I don't know the exact number of today's beta. This is driving me crazy.
I know that the number is *$%#.1.
Pardon?
*^%*.1
My phone reception just happened to cut out when the nurse gave me the number. And again when she repeated it. I didn't want to ask her to repeat it a third time so I didn't. Now I don't know how much or how little my levels dropped. Just something.1. Grrr.
I can ask on Monday when we have "The Discussion" with the RE. I'll fill you in then.
The good news is that my Hcg levels are going down. I was a bit worried that the prolonged bleeding and its recent resurgence might indicate that a certain something was sticking around in my uterus pumping out hormones. I suppose the light, period-like bleeding I have been having for the past three days is simply FET miscarriage, part 2. And normal.
Twenty Days of bleeding, pads and panty liners. No swimming. No sex. And the longer I bleed, the farther away my next period and cycle day 1 becomes. Miscarriages really get in the way of treatment and trying to get pregnant, don't they?
The bad news is that I have to go back, yet again, to my local medical center for a beta blood draw. Gaw, I hate that whole experience and the way it feels like a walk of shame every time.
I don't know the exact number of today's beta. This is driving me crazy.
I know that the number is *$%#.1.
Pardon?
*^%*.1
My phone reception just happened to cut out when the nurse gave me the number. And again when she repeated it. I didn't want to ask her to repeat it a third time so I didn't. Now I don't know how much or how little my levels dropped. Just something.1. Grrr.
I can ask on Monday when we have "The Discussion" with the RE. I'll fill you in then.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Just Red
Which means Not Over Yet.
Miscarriage bleeding has returned to a red, light flow. I have been bleeding or spotting for 18 days now. I thought the bleeding had come to an end 4 days ago so F and I assumed we had a green light for sex. After sex I had some bleeding and ever since, the bleeding has turned from brown back to red. And now a light flow!
Without cramping, however. I consider it good timing that my second post-miscarriage beta is scheduled for tomorrow. I do fear that I have a bit of leftover something yet to pass. Still, I hope the numbers are low, low, low.
Miscarriage bleeding has returned to a red, light flow. I have been bleeding or spotting for 18 days now. I thought the bleeding had come to an end 4 days ago so F and I assumed we had a green light for sex. After sex I had some bleeding and ever since, the bleeding has turned from brown back to red. And now a light flow!
Without cramping, however. I consider it good timing that my second post-miscarriage beta is scheduled for tomorrow. I do fear that I have a bit of leftover something yet to pass. Still, I hope the numbers are low, low, low.
Ovarian Age
When I turned 30, I had a freak out moment during which I worried that I was behind schedule in family planning. I wasn't concerned about my fertility so much as the fact that up until that point, F and I didn't think we wanted to procreate. Turning 30 unearthed a desire for a child I didn't know I had. I perceived it as a crisis so urgent that while celebrating my 30th birthday at a bar, I whispered to a friend that I needed to decide if I wanted to have children ASAP. I think I may even have cried.
I've always considered myself a late bloomer. It is ridiculous, but, I am still in awe of high school friends who are full practicing doctors. They seem so grown up. And then I remember that we are 35 years old. It's like I've spent the last 15 years in outer space in a 'Flight of the Navigator' and returned home to advanced maternal age. This really bothers me sometimes.
Before I started trying to get pregnant someone told me that I look "so young for my age" (I get mistaken for a twenty-something all the time). For some reason I replied, "Well, let's hope my ovaries look as young as my face." Intuition is funny.
And fertility has nothing to do with how young you may look on the outside or how young you perceive yourself to be. That stuff about you is just an ironic joke, an inconsistency in your universe, a paradox.
Age is one of the important factors in predicting success with IVF. I was 31when I first started trying to get pregnant. I was 32 when our first RE said, "You're still young, no need to rush, you've got time."
But he never tested my AMH, my 'Ovarian Age', in relation to my FSH and antral follicle counts.
I wish the hormone level charts showing normal values for FSH and AMH and antral follicle counts provided ranges based on age. Wouldn't it be great if there was a chart that showed you where the normal values fall based on age (If you know of one, please let me know) or rather, if our doctors actually shared that information with us? You could then compare those to your results and age.
I've been thinking about this because I just happened to read recently that an AMH of 1.5 is normal for a 34 year old and an AMH level of 1 is expected for a 40 year old. If my AMH is 1.1, then is my Ovarian Age closer to 40 than my chronological age of 35?
That information is astounding, don't you think?
So, should we be asking our REs what our ovarian age is? And how important a factor in our chances of success is this information? Does a 40 year old with an AMH of 1.5 have a greater chance of success in one cycle than a 30 year old with an AMH of 1?
Would we have pursued treatment more aggressively when I was 32, moved on to IVF a year earlier?
I've always considered myself a late bloomer. It is ridiculous, but, I am still in awe of high school friends who are full practicing doctors. They seem so grown up. And then I remember that we are 35 years old. It's like I've spent the last 15 years in outer space in a 'Flight of the Navigator' and returned home to advanced maternal age. This really bothers me sometimes.
Before I started trying to get pregnant someone told me that I look "so young for my age" (I get mistaken for a twenty-something all the time). For some reason I replied, "Well, let's hope my ovaries look as young as my face." Intuition is funny.
And fertility has nothing to do with how young you may look on the outside or how young you perceive yourself to be. That stuff about you is just an ironic joke, an inconsistency in your universe, a paradox.
Age is one of the important factors in predicting success with IVF. I was 31when I first started trying to get pregnant. I was 32 when our first RE said, "You're still young, no need to rush, you've got time."
But he never tested my AMH, my 'Ovarian Age', in relation to my FSH and antral follicle counts.
I wish the hormone level charts showing normal values for FSH and AMH and antral follicle counts provided ranges based on age. Wouldn't it be great if there was a chart that showed you where the normal values fall based on age (If you know of one, please let me know) or rather, if our doctors actually shared that information with us? You could then compare those to your results and age.
I've been thinking about this because I just happened to read recently that an AMH of 1.5 is normal for a 34 year old and an AMH level of 1 is expected for a 40 year old. If my AMH is 1.1, then is my Ovarian Age closer to 40 than my chronological age of 35?
That information is astounding, don't you think?
So, should we be asking our REs what our ovarian age is? And how important a factor in our chances of success is this information? Does a 40 year old with an AMH of 1.5 have a greater chance of success in one cycle than a 30 year old with an AMH of 1?
Would we have pursued treatment more aggressively when I was 32, moved on to IVF a year earlier?
Monday, July 2, 2012
Let's Talk About Sex (after Miscarriage)
First of all, I'm talking about sex for sex. Not sex for baby making. If there is one thing I appreciate about IVF it may be that it gives you back sex for sex. Admittedly, this took a while to reclaim sex from infertility. I also really want to acknowledge how difficult sex can be during infertility. It definitely was for me. For 2 years, sex was exclusively about baby making and while this was fun at first, it eventually ruined my sexuality. This was temporary, however, because somehow, during the last 6 months of our IVF process, I was able to get my sexy back.
It is so nice to have separated sex from reproduction once again. Except for miscarriage.
The last time I had sex was in early May, sometime before the frozen transfer. Then there is the no sex rule for 2 weeks after transfer. Then, if you are lucky enough to actually get pregnant, after a positive beta there is the fear of sex in early pregnancy, not to mention the cramps that come with orgasm during that time (I only know this because for some reason, early pregnancy causes me to have sexy dreams. It is painful!) No way did I want to risk uterine contractions during early pregnancy or experience pain. Additionally, sex only reminded me of the fragility of pregnancy. So no sex.
Finding out that we were going to have another miscarriage killed my libido. Duh.
Then the bleeding started. I had a natural miscarriage on June 17. The nurse told me we shouldn't have sex until all bleeding stopped. Pregnancyloss.info recommends not having sex within 2 weeks of the actual miscarriage or d&c. I was still spotting on June 28. Barely spotting when I wiped on June 29. On June 30 I thought I was finished bleeding and so on July 1, two weeks after the miscarriage, we had sex for the first time in 2 months.
Thinking about it now, we probably should have used a condom, just to be cautious. But seriously, what infertile has condoms on hand?
Because now I am spotting again. It started pretty much immediately after sex and it was red. I am probably being overly cautious but I think maybe we should have waited a few more days. The risk is infection due to the cervix still being open. Could my cervix still be open after 2 weeks? I also have not gone in for another post-miscarriage beta to check my levels yet (I go in on Thursday of this week) so I'm just not sure where I am as far as this being complete.
I'm sure everything is fine. Today I only see a tinge of color when I wipe and the blood I had yesterday was probably just sitting on my cervix or something.
Sex after miscarriage isn't a topic I've come across too often on pregnancy loss sites. Like, if it is normal to spot afterwards. Fertile questions tend to concern "when can I try again," which is useless and irrelevant to me. But sex also isn't really talked about on IF blogs either. It seems to be one of the only processes we hold back as "TMI." Maybe it is because sex is separate from our reproduction and what we come to blog about is our treatment, not our sex lives. Or maybe it is because sex can be difficult to enjoy during infertility treatments, for both emotional reasons and due to all the restrictions and 'no sex' rules while we cycle and recover. Maybe it is a combination of both, but in my experience the quality of my sexuality tends to reflect where I am emotionally.
After my first miscarriage I called to ask the nurse two questions about miscarriage: When can I resume swimming and when can I have sex. She acted surprised by the latter as if no one had asked that before.
Any thoughts on sex after miscarriage? How long did you wait? Recommendations for others? What about sex during IVF and ways to reclaim sex from infertility?
It is so nice to have separated sex from reproduction once again. Except for miscarriage.
The last time I had sex was in early May, sometime before the frozen transfer. Then there is the no sex rule for 2 weeks after transfer. Then, if you are lucky enough to actually get pregnant, after a positive beta there is the fear of sex in early pregnancy, not to mention the cramps that come with orgasm during that time (I only know this because for some reason, early pregnancy causes me to have sexy dreams. It is painful!) No way did I want to risk uterine contractions during early pregnancy or experience pain. Additionally, sex only reminded me of the fragility of pregnancy. So no sex.
Finding out that we were going to have another miscarriage killed my libido. Duh.
Then the bleeding started. I had a natural miscarriage on June 17. The nurse told me we shouldn't have sex until all bleeding stopped. Pregnancyloss.info recommends not having sex within 2 weeks of the actual miscarriage or d&c. I was still spotting on June 28. Barely spotting when I wiped on June 29. On June 30 I thought I was finished bleeding and so on July 1, two weeks after the miscarriage, we had sex for the first time in 2 months.
Thinking about it now, we probably should have used a condom, just to be cautious. But seriously, what infertile has condoms on hand?
Because now I am spotting again. It started pretty much immediately after sex and it was red. I am probably being overly cautious but I think maybe we should have waited a few more days. The risk is infection due to the cervix still being open. Could my cervix still be open after 2 weeks? I also have not gone in for another post-miscarriage beta to check my levels yet (I go in on Thursday of this week) so I'm just not sure where I am as far as this being complete.
I'm sure everything is fine. Today I only see a tinge of color when I wipe and the blood I had yesterday was probably just sitting on my cervix or something.
Sex after miscarriage isn't a topic I've come across too often on pregnancy loss sites. Like, if it is normal to spot afterwards. Fertile questions tend to concern "when can I try again," which is useless and irrelevant to me. But sex also isn't really talked about on IF blogs either. It seems to be one of the only processes we hold back as "TMI." Maybe it is because sex is separate from our reproduction and what we come to blog about is our treatment, not our sex lives. Or maybe it is because sex can be difficult to enjoy during infertility treatments, for both emotional reasons and due to all the restrictions and 'no sex' rules while we cycle and recover. Maybe it is a combination of both, but in my experience the quality of my sexuality tends to reflect where I am emotionally.
After my first miscarriage I called to ask the nurse two questions about miscarriage: When can I resume swimming and when can I have sex. She acted surprised by the latter as if no one had asked that before.
Any thoughts on sex after miscarriage? How long did you wait? Recommendations for others? What about sex during IVF and ways to reclaim sex from infertility?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
