I've returned to this blog on a special anniversary for me. One year ago today was the egg retrieval that resulted in 8 fertilized embryos. Five days later we had 3 embryos still growing. I remember standing in the shower in the hotel room in the city where we traveled for treatment. We didn't do PGD. I remember the emotion of transfer day. We transferred the two embryos that were expanding blasts. One of those blasts developed into the son I have today. I still think that is amazing, in its utter un-likelihood.
I just re-read my posts from this time last year, during the most stressful cycle I had ever done, when I was feeling anger and resentment toward my RE, when we were really just wanting to give up. It's an emotional day because I really didn't think that cycle would work. We had nothing to freeze. We were approaching the end. We didn't follow the advice of our RE.
Yet here we are, F and I, one year later, parenting. Today I am extra thankful for IVF, for my RE, for chance, for timing, for following our own logic, for miracles.
P.S.
Thank you for reading. I still check in on you from time to time. Know that you are still in my thoughts!
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
June 30th, 2013
I have a son. A beautiful, perfect, miracle son.
Baby G was born on June 30th at 11:55 pm weighing 7lbs 3oz.
I cannot believe three weeks have gone by already. I cannot believe he has not always been part of our lives. That it took four long years to bring him to us. But he is here and our family feels complete. I could not wish for more.
Baby G was born on June 30th at 11:55 pm weighing 7lbs 3oz.
I cannot believe three weeks have gone by already. I cannot believe he has not always been part of our lives. That it took four long years to bring him to us. But he is here and our family feels complete. I could not wish for more.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
33, 34, 35, 36, 37 Weeks and 4 Days
I will be 38 weeks this week and I am finally, finally ready to exclaim that this baby can come at any time now.
At 34 weeks my mom bought her plane ticket for June 29.
At 35 weeks the baby dropped a bit. My prenatal yoga class is taught by a midwife and at the end of each class we do belly mapping. We could barely feel the head above my pelvis. The midwife said he could have moved down in preparation for birth or moved down to make more room to grow, as some babies do. That is when it occurred to me that this baby could be here soon. Each week she asks, "Are you sure your dates are right?" More sure than I tell her.
At 36 weeks, F and I spent the weekend washing all the clothes, hanging curtains and making a list of essentials we still needed. I couldn't help but breakdown when I saw all the clothes put away, a room just waiting.
I've been keeping a written pregnancy journal. Comparing that journal with this blog is like reading the words of two different people. Perhaps one is an infertile struggling with not only pregnancy after infertility but with writing about pregnancy in a space that has been dedicated to infertility treatment for 3 years. In the other, a conscious decision was made to allow myself to be a normal pregnant person, to document the milestones that I truly wanted to remember and share, rather than the fears that sometimes oppressed the excitement. Those fears were deposited in this blog. I'm sorry you got the dark side.
Many bloggers have been able to merge their infertile selves with their pregnant selves into the same blog space. Some have started new blogs for pregnancy or a new blog once they have resolved their infertility, in whatever way that may be, as a way to separate the two journeys. I'm realizing that I can neither fully merge my pregnant self with my infertile self, nor use a blog as a way to document my pregnancy. I started blogging as a way to join the IF community and share my experience with others who were also struggling. I am sort of sad to say that I don't plan to continue this blog, or any blog, after the baby is born. We don't plan on doing IVF ever, ever again. I feel so lucky to be expecting one and I know our family will be complete with him.
But here I have returned at 37 and a half weeks, full term and prepared and waiting for labor. This may be the last post before the birth. If so, I can't wait to write the one after, hopefully my last.
At 34 weeks my mom bought her plane ticket for June 29.
At 35 weeks the baby dropped a bit. My prenatal yoga class is taught by a midwife and at the end of each class we do belly mapping. We could barely feel the head above my pelvis. The midwife said he could have moved down in preparation for birth or moved down to make more room to grow, as some babies do. That is when it occurred to me that this baby could be here soon. Each week she asks, "Are you sure your dates are right?" More sure than I tell her.
At 36 weeks, F and I spent the weekend washing all the clothes, hanging curtains and making a list of essentials we still needed. I couldn't help but breakdown when I saw all the clothes put away, a room just waiting.
I've been keeping a written pregnancy journal. Comparing that journal with this blog is like reading the words of two different people. Perhaps one is an infertile struggling with not only pregnancy after infertility but with writing about pregnancy in a space that has been dedicated to infertility treatment for 3 years. In the other, a conscious decision was made to allow myself to be a normal pregnant person, to document the milestones that I truly wanted to remember and share, rather than the fears that sometimes oppressed the excitement. Those fears were deposited in this blog. I'm sorry you got the dark side.
Many bloggers have been able to merge their infertile selves with their pregnant selves into the same blog space. Some have started new blogs for pregnancy or a new blog once they have resolved their infertility, in whatever way that may be, as a way to separate the two journeys. I'm realizing that I can neither fully merge my pregnant self with my infertile self, nor use a blog as a way to document my pregnancy. I started blogging as a way to join the IF community and share my experience with others who were also struggling. I am sort of sad to say that I don't plan to continue this blog, or any blog, after the baby is born. We don't plan on doing IVF ever, ever again. I feel so lucky to be expecting one and I know our family will be complete with him.
But here I have returned at 37 and a half weeks, full term and prepared and waiting for labor. This may be the last post before the birth. If so, I can't wait to write the one after, hopefully my last.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
32 Week Growth Scan
On Friday we went for an optional growth scan to measure baby's head, abdomen, femur length, placenta and amniotic fluid. The ultrasound tech was good at identifying parts but mum about qualifying those parts. No goods or greats or normals, just identification. This is the abdomen, there are the kidneys and bladder and diaphragm, a foot, a femur, the head. We got a printed sonogram each of hair, a blurry foot and a scrotum. Our baby is still hiding his face during ultrasounds and we still have not been able to see his profile. The only sonogram we have of his face is a baby Skeletor image at 18 weeks. That was a little disappointing. We will just have to wait until birth day.
The tech estimated the baby's weight to be 4 pounds, 10 ounces. When I did the math of adding half of a pound per week, which is average, I reached 7 pounds at 38 weeks and 9 pounds at 40 weeks and worried briefly that if I continue to eat ice cream every night this baby will be huge.
Because we had a Friday afternoon ultrasound, we had to wait until my appointment today to go over the results. We were both too afraid to ask the tech whether everything looked normal. I don't think they can really say anyway, so we waited. If she had told us something looked abnormal, the weekend and the wait would have been awful.
At today's appointment, the midwife said everything looked normal. The baby is in the 56th percentile for size and they are not concerned about anything, including the placenta and amniotic fluid. The only value I received (I chose not to ask for measurements and trust that if something were abnormal, disproportional, or concerning, they would tell us and I would be scheduling another growth scan in a week to recheck) was the amniotic fluid level. It was measured at 8cm. The American Pregnancy Association lists anything under 8 to be low, with 10 being ideal. Both high and low levels can indicate birth defects and be a risk factor for stillbirth. Again, my midwife didn't seem concerned. And given how conservative they are with risk assessment and determining who can and cannot birth at the center and who must go to the hospital, anything that would put me at risk for growth restriction or emergency c-section would be discussed. So...
My only approach is to drink as much water as I can. I have been waking up at night thirsty so I know this is something I need to improve anyway.
Things are going well physically, with the exception of a sore and stiff pelvis most days. Emotionally I am feeling more confident each week. Getting past the 90% survival rate of 29-30 weeks and further into the third trimester has been huge. I can't believe this week is week 33. I could have a healthy and normal birth in as early as 4 weeks. Sometimes I just can't wrap my brain around that idea.
The tech estimated the baby's weight to be 4 pounds, 10 ounces. When I did the math of adding half of a pound per week, which is average, I reached 7 pounds at 38 weeks and 9 pounds at 40 weeks and worried briefly that if I continue to eat ice cream every night this baby will be huge.
Because we had a Friday afternoon ultrasound, we had to wait until my appointment today to go over the results. We were both too afraid to ask the tech whether everything looked normal. I don't think they can really say anyway, so we waited. If she had told us something looked abnormal, the weekend and the wait would have been awful.
At today's appointment, the midwife said everything looked normal. The baby is in the 56th percentile for size and they are not concerned about anything, including the placenta and amniotic fluid. The only value I received (I chose not to ask for measurements and trust that if something were abnormal, disproportional, or concerning, they would tell us and I would be scheduling another growth scan in a week to recheck) was the amniotic fluid level. It was measured at 8cm. The American Pregnancy Association lists anything under 8 to be low, with 10 being ideal. Both high and low levels can indicate birth defects and be a risk factor for stillbirth. Again, my midwife didn't seem concerned. And given how conservative they are with risk assessment and determining who can and cannot birth at the center and who must go to the hospital, anything that would put me at risk for growth restriction or emergency c-section would be discussed. So...
My only approach is to drink as much water as I can. I have been waking up at night thirsty so I know this is something I need to improve anyway.
Things are going well physically, with the exception of a sore and stiff pelvis most days. Emotionally I am feeling more confident each week. Getting past the 90% survival rate of 29-30 weeks and further into the third trimester has been huge. I can't believe this week is week 33. I could have a healthy and normal birth in as early as 4 weeks. Sometimes I just can't wrap my brain around that idea.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
April 2013 ICLW
I have not participated in ICLW for quite a while now. If this is your first time visiting, or if you haven't visited since the last ICLW I participated in, I should tell you first that I am pregnant after my second try at IVF. If this is as far as you read, I completely understand.
I haven't done ICLW since being pregnant because I always recoiled a bit (sometimes a lot) when I landed on a blog during ICLW whose author was writing about pregnancy or parenting. I felt betrayed by the (albeit wonderful and supportive) commenter who stopped by my blog, where and when I was writing about miscarriage, whose link I clicked on to return a supportive comment or learn more about her, only to find out she was 30 weeks pregnant after IVF #1, or IUI or whatever (it doesn't matter).
It is different, however, if you choose blogs to look at from the ICLW page. Most people accurately describe what they have been blogging most about recently. If you want to avoid 'pregnancy after IVF', for example, or 'parenting', or whatever you might not feel strong enough to read at any given time, you easily may.
But returning comments is part of ICLW. So what do you do when you are deep in the trenches and someone leaves you a really thoughtful comment and you want to return the sentiment but doing so brings you to a blog with pictures and tickers and nothing but weekly updates about pregnancy?
I don't have an answer.
I only know that I can't blog about general infertility right now. I am not an activist right now. It is still too scary. When I think too much about my experience with IVF and miscarriage and statistics, I worry that even this pregnancy might end without a live baby. I do however think about pregnancy after infertility all the time. When my friend says she feels like a failure as a woman because her breast milk never came in adequately enough to exclusively breastfeed, the bitter infertile in me awakens (Even when she immediately realizes what she has done and says, "Oh my god, that was such a shitty thing to say in front of you; I'm so sorry).
I don't really know how many people from the IF community are still listening. I do know what I have sought from infertility blogs, past and present, during the last 7 months. Weekly reassurances, common fears, how to accept good news and normalcy, and in many ways, how to leave infertility behind.
I haven't done ICLW since being pregnant because I always recoiled a bit (sometimes a lot) when I landed on a blog during ICLW whose author was writing about pregnancy or parenting. I felt betrayed by the (albeit wonderful and supportive) commenter who stopped by my blog, where and when I was writing about miscarriage, whose link I clicked on to return a supportive comment or learn more about her, only to find out she was 30 weeks pregnant after IVF #1, or IUI or whatever (it doesn't matter).
It is different, however, if you choose blogs to look at from the ICLW page. Most people accurately describe what they have been blogging most about recently. If you want to avoid 'pregnancy after IVF', for example, or 'parenting', or whatever you might not feel strong enough to read at any given time, you easily may.
But returning comments is part of ICLW. So what do you do when you are deep in the trenches and someone leaves you a really thoughtful comment and you want to return the sentiment but doing so brings you to a blog with pictures and tickers and nothing but weekly updates about pregnancy?
I don't have an answer.
I only know that I can't blog about general infertility right now. I am not an activist right now. It is still too scary. When I think too much about my experience with IVF and miscarriage and statistics, I worry that even this pregnancy might end without a live baby. I do however think about pregnancy after infertility all the time. When my friend says she feels like a failure as a woman because her breast milk never came in adequately enough to exclusively breastfeed, the bitter infertile in me awakens (Even when she immediately realizes what she has done and says, "Oh my god, that was such a shitty thing to say in front of you; I'm so sorry).
I don't really know how many people from the IF community are still listening. I do know what I have sought from infertility blogs, past and present, during the last 7 months. Weekly reassurances, common fears, how to accept good news and normalcy, and in many ways, how to leave infertility behind.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
29 weeks: A Pass and a Fail and No Back-up Plan
I am currently one week into the third trimester. Unbelievable. A baby born at 29 weeks has somewhere around a 90% chance of survival. I just wish I lived closer to an NICU.
Last week, I made an appointment with the local midwife who has been my primary care provider for my annual exams to let them know that I am finally pregnant and receiving prenatal care and birthing with another practice but would like to consult with them in case I go into labor early, before I make the full time move to the city where I will be giving birth when I am full term. A back-up plan.
Did I tell you this? Because we live in a rural area, when I am full term and need to be within an hour of the place I plan to give birth, we will just stay in that city until the baby is born (I've been working and living there part time on and off for 3 years. This is also what made finding OB care so difficult.)
Anyway, we thought the local midwives and the hospital they work out of would be our back-up plan in the case of pre-term labor. Nope. The closest hospital that will deliver a baby before 37 weeks is 2 hours away, the same hospital network from which I am currently receiving care! This means that if I go into early labor at home, even at 36 weeks, I will be FLOWN, in a helicopter or plane, to the nearest NICU facility. Scary, no? It sort of changes for me the security of the 90% survival rate for babies born at 29 weeks.
Despite that, I am still feeling confident. I just made sure to discuss a plan for pre-term labor at my 28/29 week appointment yesterday. Thankfully, I am now on a 2 week schedule for my appointments and everything is looking great. Sort of.
The pass: I had my glucose test yesterday. Is it bad that I sort of liked the taste of the lemon glucola? Ok, yes it was way too sweet and sat like a puddle of syrup in my gut for an hour, but I have been craving coca-cola for weeks now. I will clarify that "I sort of liked" the first few sips of the glucola, until I had to start chugging it to get it down in 5 minutes. It reminded me a little of the Peruvian drink, Inca Kola in the way the sugars coat your teeth and make you feel sweaty if you actually finish an entire bottle.
I passed with normal glucose levels. Hooray! as I was worried I wouldn't by the young, thin woman in the waiting room who chatted me up about failing hers.
The fail I mentioned in the title of this post is that my iron levels are low enough that I am considered anemic. Probably not that big of a deal and pretty common. I just need additional iron supplementation. It does make me worry about the little one, but the nurse assured me that his body is probably getting what he needs and just leaving my body a bit depleted.
However, one of the risks of anemia during pregnancy? Pre-term labor.
Of course it is.
Last week, I made an appointment with the local midwife who has been my primary care provider for my annual exams to let them know that I am finally pregnant and receiving prenatal care and birthing with another practice but would like to consult with them in case I go into labor early, before I make the full time move to the city where I will be giving birth when I am full term. A back-up plan.
Did I tell you this? Because we live in a rural area, when I am full term and need to be within an hour of the place I plan to give birth, we will just stay in that city until the baby is born (I've been working and living there part time on and off for 3 years. This is also what made finding OB care so difficult.)
Anyway, we thought the local midwives and the hospital they work out of would be our back-up plan in the case of pre-term labor. Nope. The closest hospital that will deliver a baby before 37 weeks is 2 hours away, the same hospital network from which I am currently receiving care! This means that if I go into early labor at home, even at 36 weeks, I will be FLOWN, in a helicopter or plane, to the nearest NICU facility. Scary, no? It sort of changes for me the security of the 90% survival rate for babies born at 29 weeks.
Despite that, I am still feeling confident. I just made sure to discuss a plan for pre-term labor at my 28/29 week appointment yesterday. Thankfully, I am now on a 2 week schedule for my appointments and everything is looking great. Sort of.
The pass: I had my glucose test yesterday. Is it bad that I sort of liked the taste of the lemon glucola? Ok, yes it was way too sweet and sat like a puddle of syrup in my gut for an hour, but I have been craving coca-cola for weeks now. I will clarify that "I sort of liked" the first few sips of the glucola, until I had to start chugging it to get it down in 5 minutes. It reminded me a little of the Peruvian drink, Inca Kola in the way the sugars coat your teeth and make you feel sweaty if you actually finish an entire bottle.
I passed with normal glucose levels. Hooray! as I was worried I wouldn't by the young, thin woman in the waiting room who chatted me up about failing hers.
The fail I mentioned in the title of this post is that my iron levels are low enough that I am considered anemic. Probably not that big of a deal and pretty common. I just need additional iron supplementation. It does make me worry about the little one, but the nurse assured me that his body is probably getting what he needs and just leaving my body a bit depleted.
However, one of the risks of anemia during pregnancy? Pre-term labor.
Of course it is.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
27 Weeks: We Have a Crib
It's not set up yet or anything, just parts in a cluttered room that is slowly filling up with stuff for a baby I never thought we would be able to have. We have a crib. This is what we've been saying to each other every now and then in still disbelief. And utter gratitude. I can't believe we have a crib.
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We did some traveling over spring break and I think I ate too much. By Saturday, I experienced my first attack of indigestion. I was sick all night and vomited for the first and second time during pregnancy. I still feel full and can't eat much at a time. By evening indigestion seems to hit, often with nausea and discomfort in my ribs. Is this what the third trimester is going to be like?
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We did some traveling over spring break and I think I ate too much. By Saturday, I experienced my first attack of indigestion. I was sick all night and vomited for the first and second time during pregnancy. I still feel full and can't eat much at a time. By evening indigestion seems to hit, often with nausea and discomfort in my ribs. Is this what the third trimester is going to be like?
Monday, March 18, 2013
25 weeks: Pubic Symphysis Diastasis
My pubic bone feels better now than it did when I wrote my last post, I think. For the past week I have been keeping my knees together, practicing my kegels, taking baths, and avoiding any exercises that open my hips. Walking does seem to help, but only if I am walking on a flat route. Stairs are aggravators, as are uphill climbs. I need a step stool to get into my bed.
After my appointment today, I'm not sure if what I am experiencing is a diastasis, a strain of some sort, or normal pregnancy pains. One midwife was worried I might have diastasis and gave me a referral to a pelvic wellness center for physical therapy. Another midwife in the practice acted like it was normal pregnancy pain from carrying a low lying babe. My pre-natal yoga teacher kind of freaked out and told me to forget everything we've been practicing in class for the time being. All suggested a maternity belt or pelvic cradle to redistribute the weight and keep my pelvis supported.
So I'm in the market for some kind of pelvic support. Any suggestions?
Other than pubic bone pain, things are going well. Just counting weeks.
After my appointment today, I'm not sure if what I am experiencing is a diastasis, a strain of some sort, or normal pregnancy pains. One midwife was worried I might have diastasis and gave me a referral to a pelvic wellness center for physical therapy. Another midwife in the practice acted like it was normal pregnancy pain from carrying a low lying babe. My pre-natal yoga teacher kind of freaked out and told me to forget everything we've been practicing in class for the time being. All suggested a maternity belt or pelvic cradle to redistribute the weight and keep my pelvis supported.
So I'm in the market for some kind of pelvic support. Any suggestions?
Other than pubic bone pain, things are going well. Just counting weeks.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
F@ck Squatting
I've never been able to touch my heels to the ground while in a full squatting position, yoga style, despite years of yoga. I think it has something to do with my hip flexors being too tight or too weak or lacking some kind of mobility. It's never really been an issue in yoga classes I've taken. When I was doing fertility yoga, the pose was supposed to activate the organs in the pelvic region and open my hips or something like that. And it was somewhat comfortable, or I should say, not uncomfortable, and even though I couldn't touch my heels to the ground I could still hold the position for quite a while.
Prenatal yoga, I have found, is all about squatting. As is the Bradley Method and all the books I have read for natural childbirth. I constantly hear and read, "Practice your sqaut pose everyday to prepare for labor and birth." Since about 20 weeks, I've been having hip pain at night. Totally normal. However, it has been progressing into intense cramping of my hip flexor muscles when I roll over in bed. And I find my entire pelvis to feel increasingly stiff as my belly grows and my ligaments stretch and loosen. I do not feel a good or relaxing stretch when I squat.
In my Tuesday prenatal yoga class we use the squat possition to do kegels. This teacher thinks that I would actually want to push during labor in a full squat when I can barely touch my heels to the ground. She also thinks that, as a class, we like to hang out in a squatting position because it is so comfortable and relaxing. If squatting was only somewhat comfortable before pregnancy, it has become the most uncomfortable and tortuous position for me during pregnancy. Not only do I feel like I am crushing the baby (no, I do not have small hips at all), but my quads, hamstrings and calf muscles seem to work so hard that I end up sweating and wanting to cry. It is at this point in the class that I often excuse myself to the restroom just to get out of squats.
Because I hate squatting. I asked my teacher about the effect squatting may be having on my hip flexors and their role in my hip pain. Her response, "Oh, no! Squats are the best thing for hip pain. What you are experiencing is totally normal. You just need to open your hips." So I squatted on Tuesday. Without doing the kegels however, because I can barely breathe when I squat now, let alone tighten my pelvic floor at the same time. And I squatted on Saturday, as well. On Saturday, I found that I could touch my heels to the ground for about 20 seconds before I wanted to cry. Even coming to a standing position out of the 20 second squat was difficult.
Later that evening, I was trying on some maternity clothes that a friend had passed on to me when I started having shooting pains in my pubic bone. I lay down on the bed for a few minutes because I didn't know what the shooting pains were. When I got back up it hurt to shift weight from one foot to the other. Walking, or taking a couple steps rather, caused pain in my entire pubic and front pelvis area. I needed F to take off my pants because the movement required to do so by myself hurt too much.
I rested for the remainder of the evening and the next day. The shooting pain went away, but I still have a stiffness and soreness in my pubic area. I have to get up from sitting or laying positions very carefully so as not to aggravate my pubic bone. It still hurts when I shift weight from one foot to the other to get dressed.
I called the midwife for advice yesterday. She told me that my pubic bone may be starting to loosen and the strain during squatting can make the discomfort during loosening worse and lead to pain or something more chronic called Pubic Symphysis Diastasis. A symptom of which, is pain when shifting weight from one foot the other. I already have an appointment scheduled for next Monday so I am to limit my activities, except for short walks and swimming, and to keep my knees together as much as possible until then, when, we'll reassess the pain.
I'm also considering ordering a maternity belt or some kind of pelvic support belt to try and keep my pelvis more stabilized. Baby seems fine and doesn't seem to notice my pain as he continues to hang out and squirm in a really low position. As my uterus expands upward, I often ask him what he's still doing way down there, and wonder if I would be more comfortable if he would just move up for 10 or so more weeks.
So goodbye squats! No more squatting for me! Who would have thought pre-natal yoga would hurt so much and be so wrong for someone who has relied on yoga for so long to feel good? I should have listened to Our Bodies, Ourselves: squatting is great for the pushing stage of labor, BUT if it feels uncomfortable for you, forget squats and try other positions. So reasonable, huh?
Thank you for not making me feel like I won't be able to have a natural birth if I can't breathe and push in a squatting position.
Prenatal yoga, I have found, is all about squatting. As is the Bradley Method and all the books I have read for natural childbirth. I constantly hear and read, "Practice your sqaut pose everyday to prepare for labor and birth." Since about 20 weeks, I've been having hip pain at night. Totally normal. However, it has been progressing into intense cramping of my hip flexor muscles when I roll over in bed. And I find my entire pelvis to feel increasingly stiff as my belly grows and my ligaments stretch and loosen. I do not feel a good or relaxing stretch when I squat.
In my Tuesday prenatal yoga class we use the squat possition to do kegels. This teacher thinks that I would actually want to push during labor in a full squat when I can barely touch my heels to the ground. She also thinks that, as a class, we like to hang out in a squatting position because it is so comfortable and relaxing. If squatting was only somewhat comfortable before pregnancy, it has become the most uncomfortable and tortuous position for me during pregnancy. Not only do I feel like I am crushing the baby (no, I do not have small hips at all), but my quads, hamstrings and calf muscles seem to work so hard that I end up sweating and wanting to cry. It is at this point in the class that I often excuse myself to the restroom just to get out of squats.
Because I hate squatting. I asked my teacher about the effect squatting may be having on my hip flexors and their role in my hip pain. Her response, "Oh, no! Squats are the best thing for hip pain. What you are experiencing is totally normal. You just need to open your hips." So I squatted on Tuesday. Without doing the kegels however, because I can barely breathe when I squat now, let alone tighten my pelvic floor at the same time. And I squatted on Saturday, as well. On Saturday, I found that I could touch my heels to the ground for about 20 seconds before I wanted to cry. Even coming to a standing position out of the 20 second squat was difficult.
Later that evening, I was trying on some maternity clothes that a friend had passed on to me when I started having shooting pains in my pubic bone. I lay down on the bed for a few minutes because I didn't know what the shooting pains were. When I got back up it hurt to shift weight from one foot to the other. Walking, or taking a couple steps rather, caused pain in my entire pubic and front pelvis area. I needed F to take off my pants because the movement required to do so by myself hurt too much.
I rested for the remainder of the evening and the next day. The shooting pain went away, but I still have a stiffness and soreness in my pubic area. I have to get up from sitting or laying positions very carefully so as not to aggravate my pubic bone. It still hurts when I shift weight from one foot to the other to get dressed.
I called the midwife for advice yesterday. She told me that my pubic bone may be starting to loosen and the strain during squatting can make the discomfort during loosening worse and lead to pain or something more chronic called Pubic Symphysis Diastasis. A symptom of which, is pain when shifting weight from one foot the other. I already have an appointment scheduled for next Monday so I am to limit my activities, except for short walks and swimming, and to keep my knees together as much as possible until then, when, we'll reassess the pain.
I'm also considering ordering a maternity belt or some kind of pelvic support belt to try and keep my pelvis more stabilized. Baby seems fine and doesn't seem to notice my pain as he continues to hang out and squirm in a really low position. As my uterus expands upward, I often ask him what he's still doing way down there, and wonder if I would be more comfortable if he would just move up for 10 or so more weeks.
So goodbye squats! No more squatting for me! Who would have thought pre-natal yoga would hurt so much and be so wrong for someone who has relied on yoga for so long to feel good? I should have listened to Our Bodies, Ourselves: squatting is great for the pushing stage of labor, BUT if it feels uncomfortable for you, forget squats and try other positions. So reasonable, huh?
Thank you for not making me feel like I won't be able to have a natural birth if I can't breathe and push in a squatting position.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
23 weeks: One Quiet Day
One quiet day in my womb and I begin to wonder what I might have done to kill my baby. It was the sex the night before. It was eating an entire box of girl scout cookies in one day. It was waking up on my back instead of my left side. It was drinking 2 cups of decaf coffee instead of one or drinking anything other than water, milk and small amounts of juice, for that matter. It was a combination of everything, especially the sex and cookies in the same day and then sleeping on my back afterwards.
Fear.
Last week, or the week before, in New york, a young couple expecting their first first child drove to the ER in the middle of the night because she had not felt the baby move, in how long, I don't know. They obviously thought something was wrong. The car they were in was hit by another and they were both pronounced dead at the hospital. The woman was 24 weeks pregnant, had just reached the stage of viability, and the baby was delivered alive, considered a miracle, but then died a few days later.
I can't help but wonder if they made their trip to the hospital thinking, "If something is wrong, they can save the baby. We've reached viability."
Viability.
We count the weeks to this milestone but we know viability does not mean survival or a normal life. Viability means your baby has a chance, and a long, long road and developmental consequences to endure, if he survives. And so it means nothing really, except continued fear of premature labor and birth until you reach full term.
I finally watched the documentary Bully. One of the children profiled is a boy who was born prematurely at 26 weeks. Needless to say he has had a rough childhood.
I don't mean to co-opt the tragedies of others and make them about me. I don't want to distort stories or experiences so that I can build my own fears. It is difficult to encounter tragedies and the experiences of others and not think that they could happen to me.
I had my first scary birth dream last night. I won't describe it. First the news story, then a quiet day of what seemed like no movement from the baby, followed by watching a middle-schooler still struggling with the effects of preterm birth, and finally a scary dream of my own.
I guess you could say my recent exposure to these stories as I approach viability is shaking my confidence. At the same time, I am able to feel gratitude for so many things. Baby has returned to being active and everything is still okay.
My good friend had a baby this week. I woke up at 4 AM (my usual hour of insomnia these days) to find the announcement via text, received around midnight. Since I was awake, I texted my congrats (they'd still be up at 4, right?). Usually I fall back into some kind of uncomfortable half-sleep (with screaming hips) from 4-ish to 7, but not this morning. I couldn't fall back into any kind of sleep. All I could think about was how much I just wanted my baby born and at home, alive and safe, RIGHT NOW. Full term, of course.
--------------------
Just so you know, I do feel extremely guilty about eating that entire box of girl scout cookies.
Fear.
Last week, or the week before, in New york, a young couple expecting their first first child drove to the ER in the middle of the night because she had not felt the baby move, in how long, I don't know. They obviously thought something was wrong. The car they were in was hit by another and they were both pronounced dead at the hospital. The woman was 24 weeks pregnant, had just reached the stage of viability, and the baby was delivered alive, considered a miracle, but then died a few days later.
I can't help but wonder if they made their trip to the hospital thinking, "If something is wrong, they can save the baby. We've reached viability."
Viability.
We count the weeks to this milestone but we know viability does not mean survival or a normal life. Viability means your baby has a chance, and a long, long road and developmental consequences to endure, if he survives. And so it means nothing really, except continued fear of premature labor and birth until you reach full term.
I finally watched the documentary Bully. One of the children profiled is a boy who was born prematurely at 26 weeks. Needless to say he has had a rough childhood.
I don't mean to co-opt the tragedies of others and make them about me. I don't want to distort stories or experiences so that I can build my own fears. It is difficult to encounter tragedies and the experiences of others and not think that they could happen to me.
I had my first scary birth dream last night. I won't describe it. First the news story, then a quiet day of what seemed like no movement from the baby, followed by watching a middle-schooler still struggling with the effects of preterm birth, and finally a scary dream of my own.
I guess you could say my recent exposure to these stories as I approach viability is shaking my confidence. At the same time, I am able to feel gratitude for so many things. Baby has returned to being active and everything is still okay.
My good friend had a baby this week. I woke up at 4 AM (my usual hour of insomnia these days) to find the announcement via text, received around midnight. Since I was awake, I texted my congrats (they'd still be up at 4, right?). Usually I fall back into some kind of uncomfortable half-sleep (with screaming hips) from 4-ish to 7, but not this morning. I couldn't fall back into any kind of sleep. All I could think about was how much I just wanted my baby born and at home, alive and safe, RIGHT NOW. Full term, of course.
--------------------
Just so you know, I do feel extremely guilty about eating that entire box of girl scout cookies.
Friday, March 1, 2013
22 weeks: The Birth Center
I had my first appointment at the birth center today. As I anticipated it went really well and I am happy to have made the switch. I get to test my own urine and see the glucose, protein and nitrites levels myself, rather than pass a cup to someone on the other side of a window and never hear about the results. I weigh myself. I also get to read pregnancy and birth books from a bookshelf in a rocking chair while I wait for my name to be called. Little differences.
For the first time, I walked in to an appointment feeling confident. The hand help doppler on the table did not make me feel anxious, and I didn't rush through the talking portion of the visit without any asking questions just so we could, 'get to the heartbeat, already.' When we did get to the listening and measuring part of the visit, the midwife found the heartbeat immediately. It ranged from 145-157 as he moved around inside. My fundal height measured right on track at 22 cm.
This practice has six midwives. The goal is that you will always know the midwife attending your birth because you most likely had appointments with each of them on more than one occasion. Patients choose whether they want to deliver at the hospital with a midwife or at the birth center. The only potential bummer (or positive to some) about choosing the birthing center is that they operate under hospital regulations, so they are very conservative in their policies. The oddest example: if you are just 7 days past your due date, or 41 weeks, you cannot labor or deliver at the birth center, even if your and the baby's vitals are completely normal. You can still follow the same birth plan with your midwives, you just have to be at the hospital instead. 41 weeks seems overly cautious to me. I know many friends (and my mom) who went a week past their due dates. Do IVF pregnancies even go past 41 weeks? Normal gestation is 38-42 weeks but is this really normal gestation or the margin of error to account for variation in menstrual cycle length?
Interesting questions, but I have many weeks to go before the home stretch and there are so many other things to focus on now. Good things, milestones and growth. And approaching viability.
For the first time, I walked in to an appointment feeling confident. The hand help doppler on the table did not make me feel anxious, and I didn't rush through the talking portion of the visit without any asking questions just so we could, 'get to the heartbeat, already.' When we did get to the listening and measuring part of the visit, the midwife found the heartbeat immediately. It ranged from 145-157 as he moved around inside. My fundal height measured right on track at 22 cm.
This practice has six midwives. The goal is that you will always know the midwife attending your birth because you most likely had appointments with each of them on more than one occasion. Patients choose whether they want to deliver at the hospital with a midwife or at the birth center. The only potential bummer (or positive to some) about choosing the birthing center is that they operate under hospital regulations, so they are very conservative in their policies. The oddest example: if you are just 7 days past your due date, or 41 weeks, you cannot labor or deliver at the birth center, even if your and the baby's vitals are completely normal. You can still follow the same birth plan with your midwives, you just have to be at the hospital instead. 41 weeks seems overly cautious to me. I know many friends (and my mom) who went a week past their due dates. Do IVF pregnancies even go past 41 weeks? Normal gestation is 38-42 weeks but is this really normal gestation or the margin of error to account for variation in menstrual cycle length?
Interesting questions, but I have many weeks to go before the home stretch and there are so many other things to focus on now. Good things, milestones and growth. And approaching viability.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
21 weeks
I am writing a letter to the Infertile OB to tell her how much I appreciated being in her care for those first few prenatal visits. How do you break up with a medical provider whom you really like?
When I first started looking for prenatal care (last minute, at 9 weeks, after being released from the RE, because I couldn't imagine this pregnancy graduating from the RE), I went with the recommendation from my RE. After meeting with the recommended OB the very next week, I found out that she was actually a patient of my RE and had conceived through IVF. The transition from the RE to the Infertile OB was perfect, and exactly what I needed at the time. She understood where I had been, what I was going through and the RE practice I came from. But now, as my confidence grows and everything about this pregnancy continues to look normal and healthy, I am finally able to think about what kind of birth experience I really want.
It's what I have always wanted, until infertility seemed to rob me of any dreams or ideals I had about childbirth. It has just taken me a while to get to the point where I believe that this is really going to happen, and that despite infertility or IVF or even fear of loss, I deserve the normal and natural birthing experience I have always imagined for myself and my child.
I don't know if any of you (I should say with singletons because of course with multiples, I imagine OB monitoring is a bit different and your options for delivery more limited) struggled with this after IVF, this idea that because you have been in a strict medical setting for so long, it is difficult to imagine yourself leaving that place for an environment where "normal" is the norm. You don't feel normal, you don't think of your pregnancy as normal, you even *want* all of those interventions because, what if.....? Emotionally, I couldn't have jumped from my RE to a CNM practice, even though after visiting the birth center at 15 weeks and talking with a midwife about my history, I knew immediately that was where I wanted to be for the remainder of my pregnancy. I decided to make the switch as long as everything looked normal at the anatomy scan.
Well, that scan was 3 weeks ago. In one week I have my first appointment at the birth center with one of the midwives and I am so excited to make the switch (though I do feel sad to part with the Infertile OB because I really like her, and most of all, she's one of us!).
I feel movement pretty consistently now. F can even feel the movement from the outside. It is truly overwhelming.
When I first started looking for prenatal care (last minute, at 9 weeks, after being released from the RE, because I couldn't imagine this pregnancy graduating from the RE), I went with the recommendation from my RE. After meeting with the recommended OB the very next week, I found out that she was actually a patient of my RE and had conceived through IVF. The transition from the RE to the Infertile OB was perfect, and exactly what I needed at the time. She understood where I had been, what I was going through and the RE practice I came from. But now, as my confidence grows and everything about this pregnancy continues to look normal and healthy, I am finally able to think about what kind of birth experience I really want.
It's what I have always wanted, until infertility seemed to rob me of any dreams or ideals I had about childbirth. It has just taken me a while to get to the point where I believe that this is really going to happen, and that despite infertility or IVF or even fear of loss, I deserve the normal and natural birthing experience I have always imagined for myself and my child.
I don't know if any of you (I should say with singletons because of course with multiples, I imagine OB monitoring is a bit different and your options for delivery more limited) struggled with this after IVF, this idea that because you have been in a strict medical setting for so long, it is difficult to imagine yourself leaving that place for an environment where "normal" is the norm. You don't feel normal, you don't think of your pregnancy as normal, you even *want* all of those interventions because, what if.....? Emotionally, I couldn't have jumped from my RE to a CNM practice, even though after visiting the birth center at 15 weeks and talking with a midwife about my history, I knew immediately that was where I wanted to be for the remainder of my pregnancy. I decided to make the switch as long as everything looked normal at the anatomy scan.
Well, that scan was 3 weeks ago. In one week I have my first appointment at the birth center with one of the midwives and I am so excited to make the switch (though I do feel sad to part with the Infertile OB because I really like her, and most of all, she's one of us!).
I feel movement pretty consistently now. F can even feel the movement from the outside. It is truly overwhelming.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
20 Weeks
Thank you for allowing me to release some dark thoughts from my mind in my last post. Amazingly, since getting them out, they have not returned once. I was so done with feeling those thoughts and fears that it took me the entire week to return to read the comments. It turned out to be a very cleansing post.
I think a large part of my reluctance to return to that post is that I want so badly and am so ready to divorce the experience of infertility from this pregnancy and just be pregnant. I know that's not possible, nor fair. It is also irresponsible to the community that is my support system. But I also can't wallow in my infertility and fear with each post. Infertility has consumed me for much of the past 3-4 years, it is very much a part of this pregnancy, my psyche and the story we will tell our child about his making. Writing now about pregnancy becomes a matter of balancing the joy I feel with the difficult experiences that brought me here.
So I want my last post to be a turning point. Just as 20 weeks is a milestone in gestation, I want it to be a transition away from fear and thoughts of miscarriage or stillbirth.
I know that rare complications can occur. Rare. I am submerged in uncharted territory. I come from the land of early losses. I have no reason or past experience to make me think that something rare would happen now.
And this is where I am at 20 weeks. Officially halfway and ready to move full speed ahead. Like I said, the thoughts from my last post have not returned since I wrote them out. In fact, recent accomplishments include: no longer inspecting the toilet paper for pink or brown, buying my own maternity pants, starting a registry, and perhaps the most encouraging of them all: calling this baby a baby, or the baby, or best of all, our baby.
I think a large part of my reluctance to return to that post is that I want so badly and am so ready to divorce the experience of infertility from this pregnancy and just be pregnant. I know that's not possible, nor fair. It is also irresponsible to the community that is my support system. But I also can't wallow in my infertility and fear with each post. Infertility has consumed me for much of the past 3-4 years, it is very much a part of this pregnancy, my psyche and the story we will tell our child about his making. Writing now about pregnancy becomes a matter of balancing the joy I feel with the difficult experiences that brought me here.
So I want my last post to be a turning point. Just as 20 weeks is a milestone in gestation, I want it to be a transition away from fear and thoughts of miscarriage or stillbirth.
I know that rare complications can occur. Rare. I am submerged in uncharted territory. I come from the land of early losses. I have no reason or past experience to make me think that something rare would happen now.
And this is where I am at 20 weeks. Officially halfway and ready to move full speed ahead. Like I said, the thoughts from my last post have not returned since I wrote them out. In fact, recent accomplishments include: no longer inspecting the toilet paper for pink or brown, buying my own maternity pants, starting a registry, and perhaps the most encouraging of them all: calling this baby a baby, or the baby, or best of all, our baby.
Friday, February 8, 2013
19w2d
I am writing out this fear in the hopes that by getting it out, it will no longer plague me. Note: I've been reading many posts about the "Pain Olympics." You may notice that the way I end this post may engage in this practice a bit. I just want to say that I have every effing right to express my fears in this way.
My nerves have really calmed since the anatomy scan. Every day or moment that I feel movement reassures me. Even so, I can still recite tragic stories that have occurred after 20 weeks, both in this community and not, I come across them in google searches, but I have been very good about ignoring them and learning to enjoy this pregnancy (finally buying maternity pants! switching care to a birth center! almost buying a baby outfit! telling long distance colleagues! and many more normal behaviors for being halfway through pregnancy).
There is a haunting milestone about making it this far: to have a loss at this point would be considered a stillbirth and not a miscarriage. Now that I have made it this far, this pregnancy is the only chance I have left. This is my last shot. We signed up for IVF under a shared risk or refund plan with our clinic. The contract states that we qualify for 3 IVF cycles. The contract can end in a few different ways. We can back out at any time (refund), we complete 3 cycles without success (refund), or we (I) can deliver a baby past 20 weeks (we are done).
As I approach the 20 week milestone, each week I have the same horrible thought: At 17 weeks, "I only have 3 more weeks to have a miscarriage before our contract ends." At 18 weeks, "...only 2 more weeks..." and so on. I have these thoughts because we have one IVF cycle left in our contract. If I have a miscarriage we get to try again (though the thought of trying again is too overwhelming to bear), but if anything were to happen after 20 weeks and before viability we would be left with nothing, no refund, and not able to try again.
I don't know that we would even want to try again after such a loss, but having our options run out is the scariest possibility I have encountered with infertility thus far. It's also not fair of me to put this kind of pressure on my unborn child. I already feel like a bad parent.
Pregnancy loss and stillbirth is awful. Awful, awful. I cry for anyone who has suffered a late loss. There are many blogs to prove that it can happen to anyone. Many of those women go on to have another pregnancy and birth children. But when you can't get pregnant on your own and have gone through infertility and loss already, that enormous loss could very well be how your journey ends.
I just can't end like that. This baby will be my happy ending.
My nerves have really calmed since the anatomy scan. Every day or moment that I feel movement reassures me. Even so, I can still recite tragic stories that have occurred after 20 weeks, both in this community and not, I come across them in google searches, but I have been very good about ignoring them and learning to enjoy this pregnancy (finally buying maternity pants! switching care to a birth center! almost buying a baby outfit! telling long distance colleagues! and many more normal behaviors for being halfway through pregnancy).
There is a haunting milestone about making it this far: to have a loss at this point would be considered a stillbirth and not a miscarriage. Now that I have made it this far, this pregnancy is the only chance I have left. This is my last shot. We signed up for IVF under a shared risk or refund plan with our clinic. The contract states that we qualify for 3 IVF cycles. The contract can end in a few different ways. We can back out at any time (refund), we complete 3 cycles without success (refund), or we (I) can deliver a baby past 20 weeks (we are done).
As I approach the 20 week milestone, each week I have the same horrible thought: At 17 weeks, "I only have 3 more weeks to have a miscarriage before our contract ends." At 18 weeks, "...only 2 more weeks..." and so on. I have these thoughts because we have one IVF cycle left in our contract. If I have a miscarriage we get to try again (though the thought of trying again is too overwhelming to bear), but if anything were to happen after 20 weeks and before viability we would be left with nothing, no refund, and not able to try again.
I don't know that we would even want to try again after such a loss, but having our options run out is the scariest possibility I have encountered with infertility thus far. It's also not fair of me to put this kind of pressure on my unborn child. I already feel like a bad parent.
Pregnancy loss and stillbirth is awful. Awful, awful. I cry for anyone who has suffered a late loss. There are many blogs to prove that it can happen to anyone. Many of those women go on to have another pregnancy and birth children. But when you can't get pregnant on your own and have gone through infertility and loss already, that enormous loss could very well be how your journey ends.
I just can't end like that. This baby will be my happy ending.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Anatomy Scan
After feeling movement on Sunday I was feeling pretty confident going in to the scan on Tuesday. The timing could not have been better. I was almost certain we would see and hear the heartbeat again. (In case you are holding your breath, we did and everything looks normal. Breathe and read.)
So far we have chosen not to have any genetic or risk screenings. No NT scan or first trimester screening, no quad or Materni21 testing. The Materni21 is a newer test that can be done anytime during pregnancy (though it is usually done as early as possible so that one can make an informed decision regarding termination). We decided to wait and see what the anatomy scan revealed in terms of markers for chromosomal abnormalities before deciding to pay out of pocket for testing. It had been 8 long weeks since my last ultrasound.
After feeling movement and truly believing that we would hear the heartbeat at the scan, I started thinking about chromosomes and birth defects and wondering if we should have done the testing. The day of the scan I went through a number of conditions that would be just fine, as long as there would be no pain or suffering during life. I admit this is a bit macabre, so I won't go through my list, I just hoped for normal brain, spine, organ systems and heart.
It occurred to me about a week or so before the scan that to worry about fetal anomalies and genetics, or even to get excited about finding out the sex, you first have to be convinced that the fetus is in fact, alive and growing. As silly as it sounds, this idea completely changed the way I started thinking about this scan.
Every appointment until this one has been about whether or not we would still have a heartbeat. F and I made a conscious decision to focus on the excitement of learning the sex of our future child. The fear of not hearing a heartbeat was still there, but we had something else, something so exciting, to focus on instead. Our attitude going in to this scan was completely different than times before. I didn't feel sick, I didn't feel dread or fear (at least the fear wasn't overwhelming), I felt excitement and a bit giddy. This also meant that we actually had to find out the sex. And that is how we made the decision to find out that we are having a boy.
We are having a boy.
-----------------------
Measurements:
fetal weight: 8 oz, measuring 18w1d
heartbeat: 150 bpm
fundal height: 19 cm
cervix: 35 mm
blood pressure: 102/58
weight gain: 7 lbs
So far we have chosen not to have any genetic or risk screenings. No NT scan or first trimester screening, no quad or Materni21 testing. The Materni21 is a newer test that can be done anytime during pregnancy (though it is usually done as early as possible so that one can make an informed decision regarding termination). We decided to wait and see what the anatomy scan revealed in terms of markers for chromosomal abnormalities before deciding to pay out of pocket for testing. It had been 8 long weeks since my last ultrasound.
After feeling movement and truly believing that we would hear the heartbeat at the scan, I started thinking about chromosomes and birth defects and wondering if we should have done the testing. The day of the scan I went through a number of conditions that would be just fine, as long as there would be no pain or suffering during life. I admit this is a bit macabre, so I won't go through my list, I just hoped for normal brain, spine, organ systems and heart.
It occurred to me about a week or so before the scan that to worry about fetal anomalies and genetics, or even to get excited about finding out the sex, you first have to be convinced that the fetus is in fact, alive and growing. As silly as it sounds, this idea completely changed the way I started thinking about this scan.
Every appointment until this one has been about whether or not we would still have a heartbeat. F and I made a conscious decision to focus on the excitement of learning the sex of our future child. The fear of not hearing a heartbeat was still there, but we had something else, something so exciting, to focus on instead. Our attitude going in to this scan was completely different than times before. I didn't feel sick, I didn't feel dread or fear (at least the fear wasn't overwhelming), I felt excitement and a bit giddy. This also meant that we actually had to find out the sex. And that is how we made the decision to find out that we are having a boy.
We are having a boy.
-----------------------
Measurements:
fetal weight: 8 oz, measuring 18w1d
heartbeat: 150 bpm
fundal height: 19 cm
cervix: 35 mm
blood pressure: 102/58
weight gain: 7 lbs
Sunday, January 27, 2013
17w4d: 4 Months
According to the Mayo Guide, the fourth month begins with week 16, but counting the calendar months since my LMP that I have been pregnant, today is the four month end mark. I am four months pregnant today.
And the most amazing thing happened. Quickening. I want to say with almost-certainty that I felt the tiny fireworks of my July baby. I don't think it could have been anything but fetal movement. I've felt a few isolated taps and flutters for about a week that I thought could be movement, but just one tap here and maybe a fluttery feeling one night, and nothing that lasted or confirmed itself as movement. Today was different in that it felt like a soft little dance just under my skin. It is early, but I really don't think I'm mistaking movement for anything but movement.
This was almost as reassuring as hearing the heartbeat. It was not just "neat" or special. It means so much more than that going into our ultrasound on Tuesday. It gets us one step closer to bringing home our child.
And the most amazing thing happened. Quickening. I want to say with almost-certainty that I felt the tiny fireworks of my July baby. I don't think it could have been anything but fetal movement. I've felt a few isolated taps and flutters for about a week that I thought could be movement, but just one tap here and maybe a fluttery feeling one night, and nothing that lasted or confirmed itself as movement. Today was different in that it felt like a soft little dance just under my skin. It is early, but I really don't think I'm mistaking movement for anything but movement.
This was almost as reassuring as hearing the heartbeat. It was not just "neat" or special. It means so much more than that going into our ultrasound on Tuesday. It gets us one step closer to bringing home our child.
Friday, January 25, 2013
17 weeks: What if I Wasn't?
I co-hosted a baby shower (with three other friends) last weekend for a friend of mine who became pregnant very quickly and easily. Co-hosting was perfect because if something bad had happened with my pregnancy in the weeks or days leading up to the shower, I could easily back out of my hosting responsibilities. I was totally prepared to do so as well.
In the hours leading up to the shower, anxiety started creeping in. It wasn't the dread and sadness I have felt before showers when I was cycling or grieving a loss or taking a break. It was anxiety about being pregnant and attending a shower (it never ends). About people recognizing my growing belly too soon. I agonized over what to wear and what I would say should someone ask, "Are you pregnant?"
I hope this doesn't sound inconsiderate, self-centered and thoughtless. I was so grateful that morning to be pregnant at a baby shower. In the weeks leading up to it all I thought about during the silly planning was, please stay pregnant through the baby shower, please just make it through the baby shower.
And then I thought about what it would be like to not be pregnant that morning, getting ready for a fucking baby shower. I hadn't anticipated the event to bring back all of those awful feelings of not being pregnant, and even though I am (I am. I am. I am.), it was still difficult having a baby item in the house. I kept it in the box it arrived in, unopened, until I needed to wrap it.
I was grateful to be pregnant at that shower because it seems like almost all of my friends are pregnant right now. If I was not pregnant right now I would not be in a good place, I know that. Yet, at the shower all I could think about (besides how much I hate baby shower games) was that I didn't feel pregnant, that we would find out our fetus had died at our anatomy scan next week, how I really didn't want anyone to find out I was pregnant at the shower, just in case (despite showing a bit). The shower simply crushed my confidence. That is the post-trauma of infertility.
And I really was doing well before this weekend. We've been talking about finding out the sex next week, photographing my growing belly (it is growing). There are days when I chat it up like a normal pregnant woman about mundane bodily functions and finding maternity pants. I even started pre-natal yoga. I told my MIL that she has cursed all of her grandchildren to be boys because she wants a girl too badly (that was my nice (passive aggressive) way of telling her to shut the fuck up about gender when we just want a healthy, developing human to still be growing inside me).
In the back of my mind I also thought, "if you actually get another grandchild."
I survived the shower. And decided that if we do make it that far (we will, we will), I do not want one of my own. There were some suspicious glances at my abdomen and the few friends that knew did not mention my pregnancy to the larger group.
At 17 weeks, insecurity and doubt comes and goes. My abdomen is growing and that has to mean something, right? The anatomy scan is next week. I am excited and nervous, make that very nervous. Very, very nervous.
In the hours leading up to the shower, anxiety started creeping in. It wasn't the dread and sadness I have felt before showers when I was cycling or grieving a loss or taking a break. It was anxiety about being pregnant and attending a shower (it never ends). About people recognizing my growing belly too soon. I agonized over what to wear and what I would say should someone ask, "Are you pregnant?"
I hope this doesn't sound inconsiderate, self-centered and thoughtless. I was so grateful that morning to be pregnant at a baby shower. In the weeks leading up to it all I thought about during the silly planning was, please stay pregnant through the baby shower, please just make it through the baby shower.
And then I thought about what it would be like to not be pregnant that morning, getting ready for a fucking baby shower. I hadn't anticipated the event to bring back all of those awful feelings of not being pregnant, and even though I am (I am. I am. I am.), it was still difficult having a baby item in the house. I kept it in the box it arrived in, unopened, until I needed to wrap it.
I was grateful to be pregnant at that shower because it seems like almost all of my friends are pregnant right now. If I was not pregnant right now I would not be in a good place, I know that. Yet, at the shower all I could think about (besides how much I hate baby shower games) was that I didn't feel pregnant, that we would find out our fetus had died at our anatomy scan next week, how I really didn't want anyone to find out I was pregnant at the shower, just in case (despite showing a bit). The shower simply crushed my confidence. That is the post-trauma of infertility.
And I really was doing well before this weekend. We've been talking about finding out the sex next week, photographing my growing belly (it is growing). There are days when I chat it up like a normal pregnant woman about mundane bodily functions and finding maternity pants. I even started pre-natal yoga. I told my MIL that she has cursed all of her grandchildren to be boys because she wants a girl too badly (that was my nice (passive aggressive) way of telling her to shut the fuck up about gender when we just want a healthy, developing human to still be growing inside me).
In the back of my mind I also thought, "if you actually get another grandchild."
I survived the shower. And decided that if we do make it that far (we will, we will), I do not want one of my own. There were some suspicious glances at my abdomen and the few friends that knew did not mention my pregnancy to the larger group.
At 17 weeks, insecurity and doubt comes and goes. My abdomen is growing and that has to mean something, right? The anatomy scan is next week. I am excited and nervous, make that very nervous. Very, very nervous.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Elizabeth Banks on WTF
Marc Maron is a stand-up comedian and host of the podcast, WTF. If you've never listened, I only recommend about 30 minutes of his most recent interview with the actor Elizabeth Banks. Elizabeth Banks has been open about her years of infertility and use of a gestational surrogate to carry her two children.
I think this episode (at least 30 minutes of it) is unique and important because Marc Maron is kind of an asshole. Not to Elizabeth Banks, but just in his general demeanor (narcissistic, neurotic, insecure). He knows nothing about infertility, IVF or gestational surrogacy (or so I assume). In other words, he is the kind of person you might find yourself talking to and trying to explain IVF or why you did not adopt. And that is exactly what Elizabeth Banks did.
It was a casual, non-journalistic, non-medical and really honest conversation about how Banks and her husband created their family. It was a REAL conversation about infertility. The kind that we all have had. Perhaps, more importantly, his audience probably isn't made up of married, middle-aged white women and stay-at-home moms.
I think it is almost more important for audiences to hear that kind of interview, a real conversation about infertility and its treatment, with all the dumb questions, and their truly honest answers.
To listen to the interview, visit http://www.wtfpod.com/guide (scroll down to episode 352 or search) or find the podcast on itunes (it's free). Elizabeth Banks talks about gestational surrogacy at around the 1:03:00 mark. One potential warning: adoption advocates may cringe at the way Banks explains adoption. But again, she is honestly answering the question of why they did not choose adoption.
I think this episode (at least 30 minutes of it) is unique and important because Marc Maron is kind of an asshole. Not to Elizabeth Banks, but just in his general demeanor (narcissistic, neurotic, insecure). He knows nothing about infertility, IVF or gestational surrogacy (or so I assume). In other words, he is the kind of person you might find yourself talking to and trying to explain IVF or why you did not adopt. And that is exactly what Elizabeth Banks did.
It was a casual, non-journalistic, non-medical and really honest conversation about how Banks and her husband created their family. It was a REAL conversation about infertility. The kind that we all have had. Perhaps, more importantly, his audience probably isn't made up of married, middle-aged white women and stay-at-home moms.
I think it is almost more important for audiences to hear that kind of interview, a real conversation about infertility and its treatment, with all the dumb questions, and their truly honest answers.
To listen to the interview, visit http://www.wtfpod.com/guide (scroll down to episode 352 or search) or find the podcast on itunes (it's free). Elizabeth Banks talks about gestational surrogacy at around the 1:03:00 mark. One potential warning: adoption advocates may cringe at the way Banks explains adoption. But again, she is honestly answering the question of why they did not choose adoption.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
15 weeks: Still Pregnant
Now that I am 15 weeks I have decided to stop prefacing the way I talk about my pregnancy with, "If all goes well...," or "If we end up with a baby in July..." or "If I'm still pregnant...." I need to decrease the number of thoughts about fetal death that I have in a day. Changing the way I talk about this pregnancy is a huge step.
So is documenting my expansion. This is a photo from 14w3d.
I had a few friends over last weekend and one said, "Wow, you are really starting to show!" I almost cried.
Another huge step is building up the courage to shop for maternity items. I'm down to 3 pairs of pants I can still button up in the morning (by dinner, I'm in yoga pants, but even those are getting snug). After my last OB appointment, F and I went to Target and bought a belly band. I like the band but it works better for some pants than others and tends to ride up in the back (not good). So far that's it. 15 weeks is time to go shopping.
Buying maternity items definitely makes the pregnancy feel more real. But it is so scary. It requires a huge leap of faith and commitment to the idea that I will give birth to a live baby sometime around July 3.
I do have to say I am in love with that date.
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