After feeling movement on Sunday I was feeling pretty confident going in to the scan on Tuesday. The timing could not have been better. I was almost certain we would see and hear the heartbeat again. (In case you are holding your breath, we did and everything looks normal. Breathe and read.)
So far we have chosen not to have any genetic or risk screenings. No NT scan or first trimester screening, no quad or Materni21 testing. The Materni21 is a newer test that can be done anytime during pregnancy (though it is usually done as early as possible so that one can make an informed decision regarding termination). We decided to wait and see what the anatomy scan revealed in terms of markers for chromosomal abnormalities before deciding to pay out of pocket for testing. It had been 8 long weeks since my last ultrasound.
After feeling movement and truly believing that we would hear the heartbeat at the scan, I started thinking about chromosomes and birth defects and wondering if we should have done the testing. The day of the scan I went through a number of conditions that would be just fine, as long as there would be no pain or suffering during life. I admit this is a bit macabre, so I won't go through my list, I just hoped for normal brain, spine, organ systems and heart.
It occurred to me about a week or so before the scan that to worry about fetal anomalies and genetics, or even to get excited about finding out the sex, you first have to be convinced that the fetus is in fact, alive and growing. As silly as it sounds, this idea completely changed the way I started thinking about this scan.
Every appointment until this one has been about whether or not we would still have a heartbeat. F and I made a conscious decision to focus on the excitement of learning the sex of our future child. The fear of not hearing a heartbeat was still there, but we had something else, something so exciting, to focus on instead. Our attitude going in to this scan was completely different than times before. I didn't feel sick, I didn't feel dread or fear (at least the fear wasn't overwhelming), I felt excitement and a bit giddy. This also meant that we actually had to find out the sex. And that is how we made the decision to find out that we are having a boy.
We are having a boy.
-----------------------
Measurements:
fetal weight: 8 oz, measuring 18w1d
heartbeat: 150 bpm
fundal height: 19 cm
cervix: 35 mm
blood pressure: 102/58
weight gain: 7 lbs
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
17w4d: 4 Months
According to the Mayo Guide, the fourth month begins with week 16, but counting the calendar months since my LMP that I have been pregnant, today is the four month end mark. I am four months pregnant today.
And the most amazing thing happened. Quickening. I want to say with almost-certainty that I felt the tiny fireworks of my July baby. I don't think it could have been anything but fetal movement. I've felt a few isolated taps and flutters for about a week that I thought could be movement, but just one tap here and maybe a fluttery feeling one night, and nothing that lasted or confirmed itself as movement. Today was different in that it felt like a soft little dance just under my skin. It is early, but I really don't think I'm mistaking movement for anything but movement.
This was almost as reassuring as hearing the heartbeat. It was not just "neat" or special. It means so much more than that going into our ultrasound on Tuesday. It gets us one step closer to bringing home our child.
And the most amazing thing happened. Quickening. I want to say with almost-certainty that I felt the tiny fireworks of my July baby. I don't think it could have been anything but fetal movement. I've felt a few isolated taps and flutters for about a week that I thought could be movement, but just one tap here and maybe a fluttery feeling one night, and nothing that lasted or confirmed itself as movement. Today was different in that it felt like a soft little dance just under my skin. It is early, but I really don't think I'm mistaking movement for anything but movement.
This was almost as reassuring as hearing the heartbeat. It was not just "neat" or special. It means so much more than that going into our ultrasound on Tuesday. It gets us one step closer to bringing home our child.
Friday, January 25, 2013
17 weeks: What if I Wasn't?
I co-hosted a baby shower (with three other friends) last weekend for a friend of mine who became pregnant very quickly and easily. Co-hosting was perfect because if something bad had happened with my pregnancy in the weeks or days leading up to the shower, I could easily back out of my hosting responsibilities. I was totally prepared to do so as well.
In the hours leading up to the shower, anxiety started creeping in. It wasn't the dread and sadness I have felt before showers when I was cycling or grieving a loss or taking a break. It was anxiety about being pregnant and attending a shower (it never ends). About people recognizing my growing belly too soon. I agonized over what to wear and what I would say should someone ask, "Are you pregnant?"
I hope this doesn't sound inconsiderate, self-centered and thoughtless. I was so grateful that morning to be pregnant at a baby shower. In the weeks leading up to it all I thought about during the silly planning was, please stay pregnant through the baby shower, please just make it through the baby shower.
And then I thought about what it would be like to not be pregnant that morning, getting ready for a fucking baby shower. I hadn't anticipated the event to bring back all of those awful feelings of not being pregnant, and even though I am (I am. I am. I am.), it was still difficult having a baby item in the house. I kept it in the box it arrived in, unopened, until I needed to wrap it.
I was grateful to be pregnant at that shower because it seems like almost all of my friends are pregnant right now. If I was not pregnant right now I would not be in a good place, I know that. Yet, at the shower all I could think about (besides how much I hate baby shower games) was that I didn't feel pregnant, that we would find out our fetus had died at our anatomy scan next week, how I really didn't want anyone to find out I was pregnant at the shower, just in case (despite showing a bit). The shower simply crushed my confidence. That is the post-trauma of infertility.
And I really was doing well before this weekend. We've been talking about finding out the sex next week, photographing my growing belly (it is growing). There are days when I chat it up like a normal pregnant woman about mundane bodily functions and finding maternity pants. I even started pre-natal yoga. I told my MIL that she has cursed all of her grandchildren to be boys because she wants a girl too badly (that was my nice (passive aggressive) way of telling her to shut the fuck up about gender when we just want a healthy, developing human to still be growing inside me).
In the back of my mind I also thought, "if you actually get another grandchild."
I survived the shower. And decided that if we do make it that far (we will, we will), I do not want one of my own. There were some suspicious glances at my abdomen and the few friends that knew did not mention my pregnancy to the larger group.
At 17 weeks, insecurity and doubt comes and goes. My abdomen is growing and that has to mean something, right? The anatomy scan is next week. I am excited and nervous, make that very nervous. Very, very nervous.
In the hours leading up to the shower, anxiety started creeping in. It wasn't the dread and sadness I have felt before showers when I was cycling or grieving a loss or taking a break. It was anxiety about being pregnant and attending a shower (it never ends). About people recognizing my growing belly too soon. I agonized over what to wear and what I would say should someone ask, "Are you pregnant?"
I hope this doesn't sound inconsiderate, self-centered and thoughtless. I was so grateful that morning to be pregnant at a baby shower. In the weeks leading up to it all I thought about during the silly planning was, please stay pregnant through the baby shower, please just make it through the baby shower.
And then I thought about what it would be like to not be pregnant that morning, getting ready for a fucking baby shower. I hadn't anticipated the event to bring back all of those awful feelings of not being pregnant, and even though I am (I am. I am. I am.), it was still difficult having a baby item in the house. I kept it in the box it arrived in, unopened, until I needed to wrap it.
I was grateful to be pregnant at that shower because it seems like almost all of my friends are pregnant right now. If I was not pregnant right now I would not be in a good place, I know that. Yet, at the shower all I could think about (besides how much I hate baby shower games) was that I didn't feel pregnant, that we would find out our fetus had died at our anatomy scan next week, how I really didn't want anyone to find out I was pregnant at the shower, just in case (despite showing a bit). The shower simply crushed my confidence. That is the post-trauma of infertility.
And I really was doing well before this weekend. We've been talking about finding out the sex next week, photographing my growing belly (it is growing). There are days when I chat it up like a normal pregnant woman about mundane bodily functions and finding maternity pants. I even started pre-natal yoga. I told my MIL that she has cursed all of her grandchildren to be boys because she wants a girl too badly (that was my nice (passive aggressive) way of telling her to shut the fuck up about gender when we just want a healthy, developing human to still be growing inside me).
In the back of my mind I also thought, "if you actually get another grandchild."
I survived the shower. And decided that if we do make it that far (we will, we will), I do not want one of my own. There were some suspicious glances at my abdomen and the few friends that knew did not mention my pregnancy to the larger group.
At 17 weeks, insecurity and doubt comes and goes. My abdomen is growing and that has to mean something, right? The anatomy scan is next week. I am excited and nervous, make that very nervous. Very, very nervous.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Elizabeth Banks on WTF
Marc Maron is a stand-up comedian and host of the podcast, WTF. If you've never listened, I only recommend about 30 minutes of his most recent interview with the actor Elizabeth Banks. Elizabeth Banks has been open about her years of infertility and use of a gestational surrogate to carry her two children.
I think this episode (at least 30 minutes of it) is unique and important because Marc Maron is kind of an asshole. Not to Elizabeth Banks, but just in his general demeanor (narcissistic, neurotic, insecure). He knows nothing about infertility, IVF or gestational surrogacy (or so I assume). In other words, he is the kind of person you might find yourself talking to and trying to explain IVF or why you did not adopt. And that is exactly what Elizabeth Banks did.
It was a casual, non-journalistic, non-medical and really honest conversation about how Banks and her husband created their family. It was a REAL conversation about infertility. The kind that we all have had. Perhaps, more importantly, his audience probably isn't made up of married, middle-aged white women and stay-at-home moms.
I think it is almost more important for audiences to hear that kind of interview, a real conversation about infertility and its treatment, with all the dumb questions, and their truly honest answers.
To listen to the interview, visit http://www.wtfpod.com/guide (scroll down to episode 352 or search) or find the podcast on itunes (it's free). Elizabeth Banks talks about gestational surrogacy at around the 1:03:00 mark. One potential warning: adoption advocates may cringe at the way Banks explains adoption. But again, she is honestly answering the question of why they did not choose adoption.
I think this episode (at least 30 minutes of it) is unique and important because Marc Maron is kind of an asshole. Not to Elizabeth Banks, but just in his general demeanor (narcissistic, neurotic, insecure). He knows nothing about infertility, IVF or gestational surrogacy (or so I assume). In other words, he is the kind of person you might find yourself talking to and trying to explain IVF or why you did not adopt. And that is exactly what Elizabeth Banks did.
It was a casual, non-journalistic, non-medical and really honest conversation about how Banks and her husband created their family. It was a REAL conversation about infertility. The kind that we all have had. Perhaps, more importantly, his audience probably isn't made up of married, middle-aged white women and stay-at-home moms.
I think it is almost more important for audiences to hear that kind of interview, a real conversation about infertility and its treatment, with all the dumb questions, and their truly honest answers.
To listen to the interview, visit http://www.wtfpod.com/guide (scroll down to episode 352 or search) or find the podcast on itunes (it's free). Elizabeth Banks talks about gestational surrogacy at around the 1:03:00 mark. One potential warning: adoption advocates may cringe at the way Banks explains adoption. But again, she is honestly answering the question of why they did not choose adoption.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
15 weeks: Still Pregnant
Now that I am 15 weeks I have decided to stop prefacing the way I talk about my pregnancy with, "If all goes well...," or "If we end up with a baby in July..." or "If I'm still pregnant...." I need to decrease the number of thoughts about fetal death that I have in a day. Changing the way I talk about this pregnancy is a huge step.
So is documenting my expansion. This is a photo from 14w3d.
I had a few friends over last weekend and one said, "Wow, you are really starting to show!" I almost cried.
Another huge step is building up the courage to shop for maternity items. I'm down to 3 pairs of pants I can still button up in the morning (by dinner, I'm in yoga pants, but even those are getting snug). After my last OB appointment, F and I went to Target and bought a belly band. I like the band but it works better for some pants than others and tends to ride up in the back (not good). So far that's it. 15 weeks is time to go shopping.
Buying maternity items definitely makes the pregnancy feel more real. But it is so scary. It requires a huge leap of faith and commitment to the idea that I will give birth to a live baby sometime around July 3.
I do have to say I am in love with that date.
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