Happy Christmas Boys!

Plenty of Christmas merriment was had by all...but I am too exhausted to write about it right now. These good boys had a good Christmas and I think by the end they thought that gifts were just falling from the sky they were coming from everywhere!

11 Months Old!

(No picture today...Mommy broke her laptop...let's not talk about it...)

1- Jake is growing hair...and we thought it wouldn't happen...
2- he has 8 teeth and 4 more that just popped!
3-He is trying to walk all the time
4-His favorite colour is red and likes walks on the beech (I am pretty sure...we should go to Florida to be sure)
5-He is sort of sleeping better...but not yet in the running for any major awards there.
6-He should win a major reward for cutest baby in existence though...he would win that for sure!
7-Jake loves dogs and Christmas trees, he goes crazy for both...every time we go upstairs and see our tree he giggles and bounces like it is the first time every time!)
8- He is sick right now and I interpret his whines to mean hurry it up mom and pick me up!
9-He is not happy when he is sick.
10- Not at all.
11- But we are still, of course, crazy about him!

I can't wait to celebrate your first fabulous year with you Jakey! We adore you!

The Week Before Christmas...

Ahhhh...this is such a stressful time of year for me... and all the other type A, anally rentative, control freaks out there who also feel my pain. The stress of creating the perfect freakin' (In my head I didn't say "freakin"...sorry Grammie...I didn't.) Christmas every single year! THIS year I went with simple...but even that is hard work, I am continuously swimming against the consumerism tide and in my efforts to downsize and use less as more and maximize moments and all that jazz I feel like there is a fine line between seasonal simplicity and Scrooge, how far do you back up before you are missing out?

I was sick at the start of the month, followed by Ben and today, wouldn't you know it, Jakey wakes up gracing us with a piping hot forehead. So my advent activities became one big TV fest of 1960's rudolf, frosty and Charley brown. I am sick of cartoons...and whinny children... I know. That is horrible of me to say. All I want for Christmas is my empathy back...and a fresh coat of patience on my nerves (No I don't Jon...I still want presents too, k?) but we didn't get to do any of my advent activities (and this was the REALLY fun week!) and Jake stripped the tree 1000 (00000) times and we didn't leave the house for three full days and Ben was coughing so hard that he was throwing up, and then crying and then coughing again and he kept asking me to make him better and I couldn't. That sucked.
Wrapping presents felt like a chore and two batches of gingerbread didn't work for reasons I am still not sure of (the third did...) and my attitude stunk because I can get so wrapped up in how things are SUPPOSE to be (says me) that I am unable to enjoy things how they ARE.
Bah humbug.

And then You Tube came to my rescue again with this.



I watched it. Then I watched it again. Then I cried.

Because I have it all wrong. Christmas isn't about anything but THIS. That is exactly the way it is SUPPOSE to be.

...And you're right Jakey...the ornaments are way more fun OFF the tree.

Where Will We Go Today?

To the naked eye this looks like Ben is simply sitting in a pile of toys and odds and ends. Not so, however. This was a painstaking project that took a very long time. Each item selected just so. The final product is a rocket ship. Ben is very interested lately in building "machines". The budding engineer is enraptured with how parts to together to make a whole. This project specifically impressed me as you can't see either in the photo but he is holding the television remote in his hand and when he started pressing the buttons on his "control pad" he asked if I could see the lights light up (of course I could...) and then as he began the countdown he wiggled the blanket behind him (under which held a CARS "Mater" toy that makes car noises when you shake it) to make the engine sound until lift off when he jumped in the air and blew the back off (like when the fuel tank separates during a real launch (he watches You Tube videos of launches...) . I was really really impressed. And relieved that the boob tube hasn't rotted his brain afterall.

In the sink he discovered that a plastic straw from his reusable water bottle fits perfectly on the reverse osmosis water tap on the sink. He hooks that up and then piles different types of containers underneath it to make an assortment of "fountains"...bath time allows for even more elaborate water experiments.

I am googling Mensa now.

Earning His Keep

Ben has helped me clean since he could walk...and now, I tell ya, he is pretty handy to have around. He handwashed the living room floor the other day with a bucket he filled himself with soap and water. He did a darn good job too! Then if I wasn't impressed enough he got Jacob a snack of (washed!) grapes and rice cakes...with no prompting from me...so on that note, Mr. Ben, while you seem to be able to hold down the fort just fine, don't mind your Father and I as we scoot off to the movies for a couple of hours, the milk is the fridge and bedtime is at...oh well, you know.

In Progress...

It seems once a year we put our house up for sale. We decide we want to save more money, live in the country, a small town, a bigger home, a smaller home, an older home, a different home....

We looked at different houses all over for four months (when fortunately our house didn't sell!) we would come away thinking. "the backyard isn't as nice" "too many stairs" "too big" "too small" "too far away" "I would miss x x x x x about our house"...

Finally we agreed that the house we are looking for is right under our feet. Sometimes (or annually for me...) we need a reminder of this. Some of the things I love about our house is the openness of the main floor. I can see everything from the kitchen. I love our second floor great room. Jon and I relax up there in the evenings in front of the fire and a good book or our favorite shows and when the kids need us they are only a few stairs away. I love our walkout basement and our beautiful backyard. The ponds that house our ducks in the spring and ice rink in the winter. The forest that counts down the seasons in its fullness, colour or nakedness and animals that visit our deck as a result. The patio...the deck...the large driveway...the over sized garage...the walking distance we are to shops, parks, community center, restaurants and work and church just around the corner. The floors and paint that we chose to our taste...my "new" kitchen...the memories we have made here... Why were we leaving??? I love this house!

We are starting to work away on our projects (by "our" I mean mine of course...so for good measure, a reminder that Jon is wonderfully accommodating to my every wish and whim...and some kind of paint prodegy...he can paint a room like a professional, but he hates it, don't ask him...don't even bother it will take you four years of begging).
Our super duper playroom (the name it shall now and forever more be known as) is underway...hopefully it will be done before Christmas. The carpet, fingers crossed, should arrive next week!
Here is what it currently looks like...
And now let's pretend that time, energy, budget and Jon were of no concern...









Those stairs had me at "slide"...

Advent Activites Day 13....

He Walks!!!

I was wrong! Those anticipated steps were only a day away!

Jake was holding onto the cupboard door, watching me cut up his grapes on the counter. I put them on the stool and in his distraction he went for them...two whole steps over to the stool... that is official!

First steps; December 16 2010- Ten months old

Yeah Jakey! You are so much closer to meeting your dreams of chasing that big brother!

"We all have 5.5 Litres Of Blood"

This man made my day. Maybe he will make yours, as he does so many others.

I was feeling a little nauseaus after visiting some busy stores last night for some last minute gifts and felt the holiday spirit be overcome with the energy of greed and excess that permeated the air in a popular chain store.

This refreshing video not only made my day but helped me reclaim perspective.

To Entertain a Baby

Our resident baby, who is literally teetering on toddlerdom (oh those steps are just days away!) is the most curious little boy. He has an insatiable thirst for experimenting, discovering (and vanilla rice milk...) He empties out the tuberware drawer ten times a day, looks for anything new I may have placed in drawers or cupboards (which I do periodically to throw him...) and when I make any kind of major change, leave it to Jake to notice. I switched the direction of the kitchen table while he napped and when he came downstairs he was pointing and "ah ah ah-ing" like I hadn't noticed... That's Jake! Can't get anything past him! He also has a sixth sense about stair gates and can just sense if one has been left open. Fortunately in his excitement at noticing the available upstairs adventure he pounds the floor so hard crawling over there with his signature "ah ah ah- I am excited about somethin'" noise that he gives himself away. (And then sobs...but we won't talk about that, it's too sad when Jakey cries).

Of late though, he has gotten bored. Yes. Bored. He gets frustrated with lack of stimulation, in that if the environment, company, or activity isn't changed frequently he gets increasingly irritated with...boredom. I have been trying to appease his apatite for new experiences lately as much as I can (as I try to accept that he isn't a baby anymore who should just sit and coo lovingly at me as he watches my fascinating work in the kitchen). In desperation today I plopped him in the sink to quench his whining and he was THRILLED. I left the plug out and left the water running (I am sorry environment, and water bill...I will make shorts out of pillowcases this summer as penance...). He played beside me as I chopped and mixed and would look over every once in a while and grin!

I need more ideas for him...

Snow Day

We have received a fair share of snow over the last week. It continues to fluff down as I write this... It is so pretty and I am so blessed to call a pajama snow day whenever I feel like it. We bake, read, watch Christmas movies and fill up a bowl of the white stuff for Jacob to "squeeze the cold out of" according to Ben. I don't brave the outdoors as willingly as Jon does so Saturday was an eventful outdoor day! Ben was thrilled to help shovel and build a snow man and Jake was happy to help me with hot chocolate!

Advent Update

Unfortunately the magnet strips on the back of my advent mittens all decided to give it up in the middle of the night and I came down to discover an advent on strike.

Regardless advent must go on!

The activities chosen were deliberately kept simple, inexpensive or costing only of time, meaningful, charitable and in keeping with the appropriate meaning of the season...with a Santa parade here and there:)

At the halfway mark here are the things we have done to make our December memorable:
(1 was the franklin book and movie)
2- made squirrel feeders out of pine cones and sunflower seed butter.
3- make Christmas stickers
4- make Christmas ornaments
5-go to a Christmas party
6-go to a Santa Claus parade
7-decorate Christmas cards
8-make Christmas cookies
9- go for a winter walk
10-pick out a toy for a three year old boy and a baby in need (Ben understood this remarkably well. I wasn't opposed to leaving the toy store with two of the same toy as I realized this would be a difficult concept for him right now. Ben not only seemed to understand that some children don't have as much as he does and was eager to select a toy but didn't even ask for one for himself and didn't ask to play with it in all the days he passes it in the garage. I was very impressed!)
11- select a community organization to give a gift of appreciation to. This year we chose our local Children and Family Services and made a gift basket to deliver on family home evening.

12 more days to go...

For the Confidence of Mothers.

***This post, admittedly is long. I tried to edit it down but I feel so much of it needs to be said. Please read to the end. Even if you are reading accidentally and don't have young children any longer you can pass this attitude along.

When a woman I know kept her three year old child in daycare after her second son was born she explained that he was there because they could offer him things she couldn’t. I wondered what she was talking about but assumed she didn’t want to admit that she was overwhelmed with two at home. I don’t want a sand and water table in my basement either but otherwise I have never thought that a daycare could offer better or more than I could.

When she put her youngest son in daycare when he turned one (six months before she would return to work) and expressed how much she missed them I realized that she truly thought they were better off there. She believed that this brick building full of toddlers, germs and bright murals on the wall could offer her children more than she could. For $1600.00 a month she would be comforted that her children were being raised in a way they assured in so many ways was more superior than her parenting. Clearly new parents should not be left to their own devices; childcare should be left to the professionals. The underpaid, undervalued and overworked professionals who understand the emotional and developmental needs of our youngsters and would never put a diaper on backwards.

I didn’t know that this was a collective idea our society is beginning to truly embrace until a conversation with a friend yesterday. She is struggling with the decision to stay home and parent her children full time. She questions, like most on maternity leave in our country with a “generous” one year allowance. Long enough to bond with baby but short enough that the call of professionalism, blazers, manicures and coffee breaks can still be heard. This poses a conundrum for many mothers torn between the best of both worlds. She relayed a conversation she had with a friend looking for daycares for her yet to born child. “We have to start looking now if we want a good spot. One daycare told us that kindergarten teachers can TELL what daycare your child went to!” Gasp! I couldn’t help but think that is not necessarily positive but continued to keep my mouth closed as she continued. “My husband reminded me after that visit that If I do stay home that it is a big responsibility, not one that he thinks he could do! They need to be prepared for school and not be behind the other children who had advantages that daycares can offer, I just worry that I can’t do that…”.

So much of me wanted to jump up on the sofa and yell to all the other Mother’s within ear shot…”do you hear this?! Do you feel this way too?! Is there something wrong with me for having higher than seemingly average confidence in my parenting skills?! Should my kids be in some kind of daycare too?!”

Fortunately my soap box is here and so no sofa springs were broken in the making of this run on thought. I was able to go home and think about my feelings on the topic and examine why I feel so strongly and so defensive of a role that I feel is inherently mine and offended at the suggestion that I could pay someone $11.50 an hour to do it better.

Parents often struggle, in my observations, with getting caught up in the “shoulds”. My child SHOULD be sitting, crawling, talking, walking, toilet training, doing numbers, letters, spelling his name…and if he is not? We are in a hurry to tame our toddlers and thrust them into the next stage as fast as we can so we can stop worrying that stage will be delayed or not arrive at all. One can revel in the success of the accomplishment for just a moment until thoughts of the next milestone creep in or we witness little Emma count backwards from 100 at the park and fear our child may be left behind again. If you are caught in the “shoulds” than parenting can be a daunting task. When you look at the adult you want your child to be and the countless milestones big and small that need to be reached to get there, the task seems overwhelmingly insurmountable. Impossible really to TEACH a child everything they must know. We forget of course that we have 20 years to do it in and children learn even when we are not teaching. In fact, that is when they do it best.

This is how I got out of the “shoulds” and let the worry and burden go in parenting.

I marvel at what my children can do. I marveled at the newborn Jacob, so helpless he was poking himself in the eye and crying not even aware that he was owner of the offending finger. I looked to his brother who was light years away developmentally and thought it truly is amazing that in two years all that can happen. Under my care he not only developed capable and conscious use of his fingers but learned to roll, crawl, sit, stand, walk, run. He developed the dexterity to hold a spoon, colour with crayons, build with blocks and use his creativity and imagination in ways that continue to startle and amaze us. He has displayed kindness, compassion; empathy and humour that make me beam with pride. And Jacob? He is following right along, amazing us everyday with accomplishments big and small that propel him a little further everyday.

My role in this? Of course I mapped out the mathematical formula of appropriate crawl methods. The leg to arm span that must be reached to best support the spine and allow for a symmetrical crawl. I demonstrated on all fours repeatedly. I had other infants come over and demonstrate and then used a consistent method of positive reinforcement until he had mastered it.

Of course I did not.

That is insane.

All I did was give my kids a little credit. They crawled because that is the natural progression of development; it is the same reason why they continue to move forward literally and figuratively. It is for nothing conscious that I have done, but for allow it and create opportunities to support their development. Ben speaks the way he does because I simply talked to him. I listened to him and I showed genuine interest in his efforts to communicate. I have fun with them.

I could have sat down with Ben yesterday and talked about measurements and all the different methods one can measure. I could have been worried when he didn’t seem to pick up what the curriculum book said he should and been alarmed at his disinterest in sitting at a table with a book for an hour.

Instead we baked cookies, with lots of measuring cups.

Then we shoveled snow into a bucket and counted the spoonfuls of snow that it held. Later on Ben helped Jon measure a wall with his measuring tape. In the course of a day he learns gross motor development (at the park…) fine motor skills (with his fork) colours (with his paint) math (at the grocery store) socialization (with every person we come across) literacy (through books) Concentration (with his puzzles) conflict resolution (every ten minutes with his brother) Most importantly, in learning indirectly about things such as measurement we both learn of the things in life that are immeasurable.

When you trust yourself and your child then it becomes easy. You are both moving in the right direction and when you stop forcing it, it just becomes natural.

Above all, what I give my children that supersedes anything that anyone else can, is love. In the most important five years of their lives I hug them, kiss them, cuddle them, reassure them, encourage them, adore them and delight in them in ONLY a way that their mother can. Anything else can be made up for later. You can teach a five year old of average intelligence their colours in about thirty minutes. They will pick up their letters after a few rounds of the ABC song. The fact that some learned to do it before they were two years old really has no bearing on future success. Children are sponges for knowledge; they won’t be left behind in kindergarten if somehow they haven’t already picked it up, they will learn it easily and enthusiastically when they are ready to. I have never sat down with Ben to learn letters, numbers, shapes or any of the other seemingly essential pieces of knowledge the parent of the one year old worries about teaching. He just picked it up all on his own. One day he just started pointing out letters and counting higher and higher...I don’t worry about that “stuff” anymore. The true foundation of what the first five years are meant for is to establish their self worth, esteem, sense of unconditional love and ideas about trust, security and belonging. This isn’t well learned in kindergarten. Or daycare.

Truly there is nothing that I fear my children are missing out on that can be offered outside of their home during these years. Preschool children don’t need 30 same age peers to socialize them. The likelihood of positive interaction under the age of 3 is minimal anyhow as all they have to share with their immature interpersonal skills are some bite marks and gastrointestinal bugs unique to settings such as those.

Am I knocking daycares? Of course not, I used to run one, a really good one. I think they are effective in meeting the basic physical and emotional needs of children. Certainly children can and do thrive there but don't let that encroach on the once obvious first choice. Inevitably these daycares will be void of elements that cannot possibly be recreated from a healthy home or involved and loving full time parent perspective but they can fill the gaps by teaching other things. Of course daycares have to sell themselves. They are a business. My plea is to not buy into that notion that they offer something in modern day that is less archaic than old fashioned Mothering.

There is an unfair expectation being placed on Mothers that her simple quality of presence it not enough to give children a fair advantage. The plethora of parenting magazines, media messages, toy stores offering an abundance of distractions and daycare's advertising best start initiatives undermine the confidence of Mother's in their ability to do so effectively without every flash card on the market, tuition to the best preschools and a wall of degrees justifying credentials worthy of child rearing. The pressure can be enough to drown under. Or hand over to someone else.

The truth of it is however, if she could offer them nothing else but the love in her heart for the first five years it would be invaluable to them. They would not remember the vehicles they drove, the large house her income afforded them or the many toys they could provide. They would reflect what only a mother can instill in a small child. They would remember HER.

Just ask them. Or the adult children raised by Mothers at home.

My Mother occupies all of my early memories. There is a secure warmth to them. I don't know if we went without in other ways, I don't know if she held guilt at not being able to afford us all the she wanted to at that time or if she felt pressure as a first generation feminist to do it all because she could and thus should. What I do know is that her constant presence was a comfort. She was and is an admirable woman of strength and passion. She never let Mothering equate self sacrifice. She pursued interests and hobbies throughout my early life. She did not define full time parenting as martyrdom and presented herself as a multi-faceted woman with plenty of strengths. I admired and respected her as a woman and a Mother then and now. Jonathan was equally blessed with a Mother who was put on this earth to do just that. A more nurturing woman I have never known. Any success of her child was a success of hers. I don't believe there is a position in life she would hold in higher esteem than that which she aspired to and exemplified so admirably; she wears motherhood like a proud badge. And the fruits of her efforts are two remarkable men. I believe both would say the investment was worth it. Stories such as ours, from generations in the not so distant past are reminders of what it takes to raise children effectively. Perhaps some of my confidence in not having to give my children everything all of the time for them to prosper comes from looking at ourselves. Jon and I are both successful and happy in life. Two of the highest hopes I think we can agree collectively, we all have for our children. We both excelled in school, we obtained degrees from respected schools and neither stepped foot in a daycare center. Our Mothers didn't have the luxury of google and parent chat rooms. They had to trust their instincts and their intent. I don't believe they questioned their capabilities to the extent Mothers do today.

There are lots of reasons; legitimate reasons why children need to spend the majority of their day in the care of another. These are justified and certainly some children do better away from a home environment that is not peaceful or stable. But for the average child from the average home who are spending their days in childcare I would sincerely hope it is NOT because they have a Mother who feared she was not good enough. My hope is that more Mothers can find confidence in their worth, understanding of their role, know they are irreplaceable and see that in their children’s eyes they are sacred.

It was in this realization about the profound importance of Mothers in the lives of all children but especially the smallest that influenced my decision to parent full time. For this and other reasons I wanted to be home with my child with as little distractions as possible, to relish my time with him and occupy fully this short phase in his life. I did this with full intent and awareness of the sacrifices we would have to make. The meals I would cook from scratch, the amount of times I would have to say no to new “things”, the fine line between "needs" and "wants", the one vehicle we would drive and the “stuff” that would have to lose it’s value in our family while priority was truly being discovered.

For not one moment of one day have I questioned this decision. Some days are very difficult, some days I struggle but every day I am confident. What I KNOW is that I am the best person to raise my children simply because I am their Mother who loves them more than there are words to describe. To allow a little child to marinate in this unique and unparalleled love for their first years will give their spirit a head start. This I know.

Truly, deciding to raise my children is the best thing I could ever have done and for the whole of my life I will look at these years and feel my heart swell for the gratitude that I owned the sweetest years of my children’ life. I know without a shadow of a doubt they, and I will be better for it.

***If anything in this post made you think or feel enough to want to share it, please do in any space where you share “stuff”. I only ask that you link back to this site.

To Remember....

I love the ages my children are at present the most....whatever age that may be at the time. Right now that is...now. Three years and ten months are hilarious, imaginative, verbal and goofy, curious and busy respectfully. They keep me on my toes and smiling. They will be I fear, like all the ages before these, fleeting however and there are some things I would like to remember.

Jacob loves to empty out the plastic dishes drawer. He puts the bowl between his teeth, clamps down so the bowl swings upwards, covering his face and then he flaps his arms out to the sides, up and down and bounces. He then throws the bowl to the side and repeats until he has gone through all the bowls. It is hilarious. Every time.

Ben's preschool teacher has a funny story about Ben to share at least once a week. He was playing with the puzzles (his favorite activity) and was very concentrated on the task. The education assistant noticed how hard he was working and said "Ben you are very patient". He said, his teacher told me, "No I am Mommy's little helper!". Yesturday she told me that after snack he wasn't very keen on putting his napkin in the garbage. She explained his responsibility to clean up after himself if he makes a mess. He put his head down and tucked his hands in his sleeves, looked up at her and said sadly "But what...if I didn't have any hands?" and poked his bottom lip out. She said at that cleverness, he won an escort to the garbage and she aided her poor little hand-less pupil in throwing out his napkin.

Ben uses random phrases of expressions that he picks up somewhat appropriately for the context but not very appropriate for his age. The two he uses most commonly that make us smile are "Oh, I see things are coming along well here". I have no idea where he heard that or why he keeps using it but it is always funny. As well if you ask him when something happened he will always say "about eight years ago".

Jacob is very verbal. He says "all done" "Mama" "Dada" Bye Bye" and something resembling "Ben". I think he says ball as well and shakes his head no but other than that he is not very interested in signing. He will copy my sign and smile to say yes to my request but rarely initiates it on his own. It is easier to understand his words thought when he signs them as well so I will keep pushing it...

Ben has an incredible imagination. He has a little "mouse" that pops up every now and then ahd he will be surprised suddenly and say "Oh hi mouse!" and hold out his seemingly empty hand with "Mouse". When we were baking cookies the other day (the same breakfast cookies...) he said "Oh mouse! He wants to help." and placed him on the counter. Later on when the cookies were cooling Ben said "Mouse wants to go in the jar with the cookies" and put him in. When he discovered the empty jar after I froze all the cookies he cried,
"Oh no! Mouse is lost in the cookie jar!"
"Well, there are worse things than being lost in a cookie jar!"
"No there is not! it is bad! I am not there."

On the same note he came over to me the other day and said "Mommy do you know I have beautiful eyes?"
(Yes...I did.)

Ben likes to play in Jacob's crib after we get him up from his nap. He plays "CD player" and pretends to press a button in the crib and inserts a pretend CD. He will then sing and dance and otherwise entertain us while I change Jacob. Today he put in a CD and then made these awful screeches and wailing noises. "UG! Ben what is that song?" He laughed and said "ohhhh sorry Mommy I put in the ugly CD! Don't worry we will break this one..." and then he pretended to open the tray and throw it hard on the floor.

There...my random moments recorded.

To Those I Love Most.

Around the time Ben turned two and his mom developed a fed up voice that previously had not been used in the direction of her sweet baby I heard a story that made me think.

This woman was gardening in the front of her house when she heard her oldest son call from the backyard.
"Pardon me?" she called back. Again the muffled voice repeated the request.
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU! COME OVER HERE!" She yelled back, growing increasingly frustrated.
At the third unintelligible request she lost her patience.
"GET OVER HERE IF YOU WANT TO TELL ME SOMETHING!" she yelled loudly into the backyard. Her face immediately reddened at the sight of her neighbor who popped his head over the fence next door. "um. I just wanted to know if you wanted your rake back..."
"Oh my goodness, I am sorry. I thought you were my son calling me."
She realized what a sad excuse that was for her nasty reply. Her son was more deserving of such a tone? Of course not. How often though, do we put upon those we love most to accept treatment we would never dole out to another.

I try to hear myself at times through my son's ears. I hope they hear the love in my voice when I speak to them. I hope they overhear me praising them to others, accepting compliments on their behalf and striving to keep a loving tone. I hope they hear the control in my wavering patience and the volume level kept low, even as it threatens to climb. I try very hard not to yell at my three year old, when he pinches his brother, empties the folded laundry onto the floor or brushes ketchup in his hair. I try to remember that when someone raises their voice to me, talks in a way that shows disrespect or impatience how I feel resentment, anger and defiance. Certainly not compliance and respect. Why then should I expect anything different from small children. And yet. I am not perfect. Sometimes I loose it. Sometimes I shout "JUST DO IT!... Sometimes the neighbors know "I AM NOT ASKING AGAIN!" and I suppose I really meant it, since now I am yelling... And then I feel smaller than the little boy in front of me, whose eyes just dropped to the ground and shoulders hunched over. I remember my friends neighbor, undeserving of such treatment and my little boy, one of the people I love most in the world, even more so undeserving.

I can whisper in his ear almost immediately after I abandoned self control over a ticking clock or a toothbrush in the toilet. "I am sorry I yelled". Of late he says "that scared me. and it hurt my feelings too". Then I feel smaller than his little brother too.

I have been thinking of that story more and more as my patience is tried as frequently. I can see how my tone, my voice and my body language can build them up and just as fast take us all down. Certainly they (including the one who dumped all the change from my purse down the furnace vent) deserve to hear only love from their Mother. I am striving to be more conscious of what they hear from me, I mean really hear.

Advent

I made an advent calender out of Mittens Gramma used to hold Christmas dinner cutlery in a couple of years ago. I was happy to put them to good use with some help from a cricut (and a generous friend) for the fabric numbers (don't look too closely...we worked on it until almost midnight and were so tired we forgot "16"). I put scrapbook paper on some wooden clothes pins and magnets on the other side. Each morning Noellie, our thoughtful Christmas elf leaves a small treat and materials for an activity or craft.
On December first (a sick day...) we received a Franklin Christmas book and DVD to watch. On day two we received some Christmas tree cutouts and paints to decorate them with.

It's Beginning to Look A lot Like Christmas...

We have a Christmas elf named Noelly. He leaves a gift on our doorstep December 1st to help get us ready for the season. We were very excited to hear his little knock after breakfast. Ben was thrilled to find a box full of Christmas books (including The Mitten...my personal favorite! How did he know?!) Cd's of Christmas carols and warm fleece winter 'jammies for some deserving boys. Jacob was thrilled that it came with some crinkly paper and a big ribbon. Aren't we lucky!

A Budding Assistant

When a craft inspiration hits me (more frequently lately) I usually wait until the boys are in bed to take it on. I have been making reusable snack bags out of fabric scraps recently though and it is project I can make in five to ten minutes. During a stolen moment when Ben was awake he was caught me and took a seat beside me, his fingers shaking with self control at trying his very best not to touch the buttons and peddles for fear he would be cast out of the kitchen. He was absolutely fascinated with the concept that a piece of simple cloth could be transformed into a bag with a few simple steps. My new assistant takes his jobs very seriously. Pressing the back stitch button, picking up cut thread and delivering to the garbage and finally the very important cheerleader. "WOW Mommy! You MADE a bag!" is just what I need to hear to motivate me to make another one- or ten.

Oh Christmas Tree

There is something about a real live Christmas tree and it's selection, care, commitment, uniqueness and dedication that makes it all the more meaningful. We chose it, water it, vacuum up after it (alot!) and in turn love it. I really really love my real live tree! (So does Jacob...he loves it so much he stripes half of it five times a day just so we can decorate it again and again...) And that smell... it is so wonderful! I look for excuses to leave the house just so I can be welcomed back with the scented welcome of our very own lopsided, bottom bare, balsam fir.

I think much of memory is associated with scent, or mine is anyway. One wiff of a certain perfume can bring an old friend to mind instantly. A warm apple pie can put you back in grandma's kitchen, cinnamon gum; in the backseat en route to church. A roasting turkey can throw a heap of holiday memories barreling down on you at once. I am hoping to create these memories for my "Littles" so these sense rich experiences can imprint a little more permanently in some way on their young minds.

I think Ben said it best when we were baking banana oat breakfast cookies and warming apple cider on the stove while we waited for them to bake.

"What's that smeeeeellll?" Ben questioned me under wrinkled eye brows.

"I don't know Ben, what does it smell like?"

"It smells like...love."

The Annual Christmas Picture

...We are still working on it...