Party Animal

For Jacob's big 0-1 we celebrated our little man with a chocolate fountain, first year slide show montage and some of his very favorite people.

Gramma made Jacob an amazing train cake and he discovered the universal truth that there isn't much that doesn't taste good dipped in chocolate.

For A Birthday Boy

My sweet Jacob,

One year ago you came into this world quickly and easily. In this fashion you set the trend for days to follow. Everyday with you is easy and goes by so very quickly. They added up and brought us to today, where I sit in disbelief, not quite sure why I am fighting back tears. I suppose I am afraid that I didn’t savor you enough, in your brief infancy and I am going to turn around tomorrow to be greeted by a boy. I am not quite ready to let go yet, my baby Jake and yet here it is; your birthday.

You begin and end every day with a smile, eat absolutely anything offered to you and you love your Mama so much. When Daddy walks through the door at the end of the day you shake and bounce and race on all fours for the first hug.

That brother of yours adores you, you know. Even thought he is rarely gentle, takes every toy you try to play with and steps on your hands when your crawling. I know, you see the way he looks at you, he loves you a lot. How could he not? There is nothing about you that isn’t absolutely delightful. You radiate the most positive and happy energy. To be around you is mood lifting, to hold you can make the whole day brighter, to get one of your famous slobbery open mouthed kisses can melt a whole heart.

Your Daddy and I are just crazy about you.

We sometimes lay in bed at night and just say, “those boys are awesome. Jacob is the sweetest, best baby in the whole world.” And we mean it.

I love your belly laugh, every square inch of your super ticklish little body, your big belly, your squishy toes, your blue blue eyes, your blond wisps of hair. I love your determination, your curiosity, your resilience and your joy. I love the way you love to be rocked to sleep in your chair. I love when you are just about to doze off how you tuck your arms into your body. I love how you point sideways and wave with both arms flailing I love how you growl and cheer. I love that we were chosen to receive such a gift into our family and our hearts. We are blessed everyday to call you our Son.

I love very inch of you and every moment of being your Mother.

Happy Birthday Jacob.

Love ,

Your Mommy.

XOXO

***Thank you to Verity Doktor for the beautiful photographs

A Sustainable Life

I just finished a book called "thriving during challenging times" by Cam Mather. It was a good read and as books like this tend to go...it was eye opening. The more enlightened I become the more shocked I am at my ignorance. He once lived successfully in the hustle and bustle of a big city and then finally he and his wife made the plunge...they now live on a fully independent, sustainable property of 140-some acres and he said he couldn't imagine being so happy and fulfilled. He gave it all up and received so much more back.
In this book he speaks of the oil crisis, the history of oil, currency, food storage, water and energy preservation, security, future predictions and just a good dose of perceptive.

So of course now I have been thinking...
How sustainable is my life? How rewarding is my life? Where do I seek pleasure? At what cost? Do I fully realize or care about the impact of my actions in terms of what I support? Am I setting the example I want to? Am I the person I want to be? Am I living the life I want? Am responsible for my life?

Told you...I have been thinking....

The answers that bothered me most was "do I realize or care about the impact of my actions in terms of what I support?" (As I stood in the dollar store buying paper gift bags and birthday party plates). The fact is that I don't know the history of most of what I own. I won't shop at Walmart..but are most franchised stores really any better? I have been trying to buy more north American made and be more conscious of what I purchase but I still own a tremendous amount of stuff that I have no idea what is contains, what happened to get it to me or how long it will take to decompose.

I like to get a deal as much as the next person but maybe I would really like to own four pairs of organically and sustainably grown pants over 20 pairs of pesticide laden pants made by 7 year olds in a city I can't pronounce. Maybe I will really love them and paid enough for them I will really look after them as I know they will be in my closet for years. When I think of those fewer pairs of responsible pants it makes me happy. So I guess the answer is yes, I would rather that. Maybe I would like to be very cautious in spending my money, to ensure that those I give it to are "deserving" of it. If a child worked in inhumane conditions, farm land was lost and farmers poisened during the making of my $12.99 cotton shirt than really I am not interested at all in saying "that's okay, as long as I saved some money".
I know that cotton for example is one of the most heavily sprayed plants but I didn't know the far reaching effects of what that meant. I did a little more digging and found this- specifically

"In one study, all research conducted since 1992 on the potential impact of pesticides on human health was reviewed and summarized (Sanborn et al, 2004). From this review a variety of convincing connections between pesticides and human health were identified. For example, the review demonstrated an increased risk of developing a variety of solid tumors such as brain cancer, kidney cancer, lung cancer, pancreatic cancer, prostate cancer, and other cancers such as non-Hodgkins lymphoma, leukemia as well as reproductive effects including: birth defects, fecundability, fetal death, and intrauterine growth retardation.

Unfortunately, children are particularly vulnerable to the effects of pesticides. Children eat and drink more per kilogram of body weight than adults. Their skin is more permeable and their livers do not excrete as efficiently as an adult. Their hand-to-mouth behaviour increases the chance of ingestion and their dermal contact is increased because of a proportionally larger skin surface, and because they play on the ground outdoors and on the floor indoors. Parents track pesticides indoors on their shoes, inadvertently exposing their children (Sanborn et al, 2004).

And these are just the long term effects of chronic or low level exposure to pesticides. In many third world countries, application of pesticides by hand spraying is common and this type of close contact with highly concentrated pesticides can have far more dramatic consequences. It has been estimated that at the global level 300,000 lives are lost annually due to pesticide application (Fleming Konradsen, 2007), representing 10% of all casualties in the agricultural sector (ILO, 1997)."

So. What now. It turns out there are a large number of online retailers who deal in organic textiles and I have discovered alpaca wool (lighter and warmer than sheep), bamboo and hemp (how hippie of me!). They also of course deal in children's clothes. If anyone in our family is wearing organic, it should be them. Children's skin is thinner than adults and anything that touches the skin goes right into the body (I don't put anything on my skin that I wouldn't eat!) These clothes are not cheap. This is not the sale rack at Baby Gap. These are clothes you are investing in, and they will wear the same outfit more than once a week (gasp) and I will feel good about it.

When I ask myself "am I responsible for my life?" the answer is no. I own a tremendous amount of possessions that we neither want nor need but I can't seem to be rid of (9 bins of children's clothes...) I do or buy things that I think I should...but don't necessarily feel right. I do sometimes think, oh what difference will it make if just me is doing it... but that isn't being true to myself...not at all.

I am ready for some 2011 purging I think...possessions, behaviors, thoughts...and I will probably buy a pair or two of organic bamboo yoga pants (did that make you happy too? how about my dream of an alpaca farm...google one for yourself...they are adorable!)

100 Things

So there are a bunch of bloggers blogging their way through the 100 things challenge. I was intrigued as I loath clutter and stuff that has purpose only to sit there and be an object. Unless it does something (making me feel something counts...like art and photographs on my walls) I don't want it.

I sent Ben down to play in the new playroom yesterday and asked at his refusal why the heck not. "So-cause there are too many toys. I can't play!"

He is right, the place is exploding and I send him down there alone because I am overwhelmed by it.

So now I am really starting to think about this whole 100 things challenge. No not actually living with 100 things but really really prioritizing the possessions in our home and not keeping things out of undue sentiment, obligation or greed.

So what would I keep...if my family had to live with only 100 things?

***I am not counting food, medication, or deodorant, shampoo or toothpaste. We would just use baking soda and cider vinegar for that and those are food (yes...my loophole...I am trying to save room for my laptop!) And I am not counting my purse/diaper bag and the little essentialls in there...

1- vitamix- no question
2-ergo backpack
3-cloth diapers (5)
8-cloth diaper covers (2)
10-bowls (4)
14-spoons (4)
18-shirts (8)
26-sweater (4)
30- pants (6; one pair for J and I, 2 each for the boys)
36-coats (4)
40-snowsuits (2)
42-shoes (4)
46- boots (4)
50- mittens (4)
54- hats (4)
58-socks (8)
66-underwear (8)
74-soap
75- wool blankets (4)
79-bed (1...big one)
80- Mattress
81- couch
82- furnace
83- fridge/freezer combo
84- stove
85- washing machine
86- dryer (if we had more clothes I would not have one...but I think our two outfits would be damp all the time so I am going to spring for the dryer..)
87- first aid kit (lets count that as one...)
89- knife
90- car
91- towel
92- face cloths (3)
95-cell phone
96- bikes (3)
99-bike trailer
100...whew! My laptop!

Well that was fun! Those seem to be the priorities don't they? Interestingly though I realized what I take for grated, as though the kitchen appliances are apart of the house! I forgot to count them at first. I would like more clothes to be allotted but really this could be done per PERSON, I did it for the whole family. You know what...we would survive... without "toys" even. I kept trying to add just a ball or something but I know they would always find something to play with...sticks, rolled up socks, blankets....they have the most fun with those kind of things anyway.

Stretchmarks of the Heart.

My Ben.
When he was born I knew when I held him that I would never again be the person I was. I was entirely transformed. I was a Mother. His Mother. And from that moment forward my life has revolved around this identity.
I love him and he loves me.
Oh how he loves me.
I get teary sometimes when I catch him looking at me because to see someone look at you with that much love can be overwhelming.

I knew I wanted more children. Needed more. I could imagine the first time I met any of the exciting milestones and moments of parenthood with Ben that it would be the last time. I couldn't imagine those first weeks with a new baby being the only ones I ever experienced (especially when I didn't know to treasure them and their light speed until they were over). No. There would be more children. That was certain. One way or another.

I knew Ben would struggle with this. His bond with me is deep and to have someone, no matter how small and precious, interfere with and threaten that bond was something too big for him to handle.

My Jacob.
When he was born I knew when I held him that I would never again be the person I was. I was entirely transformed. I was a Mother of two. Jacob's Mother and Ben's Mother. And in that moment my heart grew and split in two exactly equal parts. It contained all that I felt for Ben and all the I felt for him. Separately and exactly.

Unfortunately while my love was multiplied my time and hands were divided. Ben would feel so displaced in his jelousy when I had to tend to a hungry Jacob that he would cry every time I nursed him initially. So stung as the witness of a new bond forming in front of him, with another. I had heard the analogy of bringing home a new baby to being welcomed by your husband with a new wife after work. No, you really don't care how cute she is, and are not interested in sharing your stuff with her. You really hate that she is getting attention and gifts and everyone jumps up if she so much as makes a peep but if you speak up you get in trouble. You didn't ask for this and no one can make you like it, no matter how likable she may be. I got this image. I knew that this acceptance would take time and we couldn't push.

We took more steps backward than forward however when he would hit or pinch a sleeping Jacob and make him howl. I was surprised at the anger I felt for him in those times. I had never before felt that way towards him. There have been times where he was ONLY gentle and loving to Jacob when he thought I wasn't looking. As if he to prove his loyalty to me by not accepting the intruder, if this was a test he was standing strong.

He referred to Jacob as "your baby". He thought him deserving of nothing, as he had already taken what Ben valued most, he made certain any toy, blanket or pacifier within's arms reached was quickly moved away from him. He interacted with him as little as possible and seemed to resolve the situation by pretending he didn't exist.

I was devastated. I read books about sibling relations but most said to just back off and others said to just accept that siblings may never be friends. You can't force it. My dreams of two little boys riding bikes, playing road hockey, giggling together under their fort were getting dimmer.

Then something changed.
Ben noticed something. His brother ABSOLUTELY adored him. Jacob would light up and wiggle and kick at the very sound of Ben coming in the room. He laughed if he so much glanced in his direction and to interact with him? He would shake with happiness.
Ben could only keep it up for so long. Not long after his observation he could be caught tickling him rather than pinching him, and he stared calling him "Jakey", getting him toys and trying his best to make him laugh. If Jacob was napping he asked how long until he was up. Ben was falling in love. Sometime in the fall, things really changed. I noticed that their adoration for one another was just about equal and I relaxed and let those camp out visions of the future back in. I could see Ben's heart stretching a little each time to let Jacob in more and more.

On Sunday, Jon told me Ben said something that bothered me to hear. "I want to find a baby with no family and pinch him". OH the horror! To hear such a horrible thing come out of my sweet boy's mouth! I probed further to see his train of thought and found that he believed he could pinch a baby with no family because there would be no one to call him on it. When I asked him why he would ever want to pinch a little baby he said "so-cause sometimes they are just...bad". He crawled up on my lap and looked into the distance. He still misses the way things were sometimes. He misses being my one and only, regardless of how much he can't help but love his brother, and I think he finally realizes that Jacob is here to stay no matter what.

Today however, I heard Ben whisper something and made me think that the more he thought about what he said on Sunday the more perhaps, he didn't think that way, not really. Because today he stopped playing with his brother and said,
"I love you Jakey."

Say What?

When our darling little puppet child was still enthralled with building his vocabulary Ben would repeat sweetly whatever we asked him to. Anything. We just about fell over drunk on our power to get him to preform. We should have rented him out as party entertainment...those animal noises, nursery rhymes, alphabet with missing letters. Oh it never got old..."Ben say..." and he would and we would laugh and it was all good.

Well into his third year now, Ben's gigantic vocabulary has triggered a great deal of independent thought and if you ask him to say anything he will respond the same each time. "No". Not so entertaining.

What happens in the interim however? It knocks my socks off. He is clever, articulate, curious and thoughtful. With, yes, a mind of his own.

I can't help my verbal requests though. I am still trying to script him, out of habit and a sense of obligation. I feel like it lessons the awkwardness from a parenting standpoint when he is handed something and says nothing. I can say "Ben, say thank you". He can say "No" and I can shrug my shoulders and smile with a quick roll of the eyes as if to say "aw well three year olds will be three year olds". I have noticed lately that he is resenting these promptings rather than ignoring them, as he once was. He will be annoyed with me much like I would be if Jon was standing beside me saying "Say thank you for the nice socks, Jenn". I would look at him with aggravated annoyance and the same degree of "are you for real?" that Ben has. He knows what he wants and how to say it, he doesn't need me over the shoulder whispering cues. And yet? I can't seem to help myself. "Ben, say thank you, sorry, your welcome, the magic word, may I, goodnight, goodbye." Whew. I really need to back off. He knows when to say these things, we model this for him and certainly he has been cued enough in the right circumstances to use social etiquette appropriately. And when he wants to, he will. Equally still he will give and receive physical affection when he feels it right to do so, not because some second cousin is coming at him at the family reunion.
Ben talks to me openly and constantly right now. He approaches me constantly with "Mommy, I have a question for you...Mommy, I need to talk to you...Mommy, what do you think about...?" I want this line to always stay as open as it is right now. Truly there is nothing he can't say to me right now. I am adding a brick to a wall however, anytime I (accidentally) correct his grammar, tense, pronunciation or ask him to say something he wasn't willing to say on his own.
I am not raising a small parrot. I must allow him to articulate his thoughts (or not) in a way that is comfortable for him, or risk losing access to those thoughts completely.

2011

Each year I like to have a theme. Something that I am personally working towards mastering at a greater level (that sounded pretentious no matter how I worded it..."humility" for 2012 perhaps?) 2010 was service. I had many opportunities to serve those around me from friends, family and strangers. In service I learned about myself, others and my desire to continue to make this a priority in my life as well as teach my children this value. We were delivering some zucchini loaves we had baked for some people in our church that could use a few extra prayers when Ben asked to come to the door with me a few houses in. He asked why we were giving bread to the people and I said simply "to make them happy". He was satisfied with this and he rang the doorbell of a home we did not really know the occupants of. When a man, who had been sick for quite some time answered Ben thrust the bread at him and grinned. Prone to be a little more reserved in new situations I was surprised at his confidence. "What is this?" the man asked after I introduced us. "So you can be happy!" Ben said in all seriousness. It was such a good feeling to know that this was not lost on him and although we all laughed after he delivered our reason to be there, it was the truth, and if only for the lifespan of the loaf I do believe we were able to deliver a bit of happiness. This was only one of many opportunities we had to serve and I have a greater conviction at the end of the year about the importance of seeking out these opportunities. Rarely will people ask for help, it is necessary to see a need in another and meet it to the best of our ability. I learned as well, there are two levels of service. The first is to give if you have extra and believe yourself capable of putting forth the time, energy or expense required. The higher level is so give when it means sacrifice. The second of the two brought me the greatest personal rewards. To give someone one when you have two is kind. To give someone one when you will be left with none is true charity, and from which the greatest blessing come. I believe it was actually me who came out with the most on every occasion.

2011 is the year of gratitude. I want to just soak in the happy, rich and fulfilling bubble of opportunity, love and blessing that is my life. Or how I chose to see it anyway. I want to reflect on all that is right and good about everything around me and savor all that I have to be grateful for. I have started a gratitude journal and in it I can write about anything from my awesome husband to my awesome slippers. Nothing is too insignificant to be grateful for, there is ALWAYS something, and in my case many many somethings. This is the year to count them.

A Little TOO Quiet....

Mmmm Hmmmm... I knew 40 minutes of the boys playing so nice and quietly behind closed doors had to be too good to be true.
What resulted is the entire contents of Jacobs closet and clothes storage bins on top of his dresser. It more than covered his bedroom floor. And the rest of my evening (Ben was hiding from photographic evidence...)

Reflections

2011...aren't we suppose to be vacationing easily to mars now and driving water fueled hover cars? Sheesh...

Anyway, we have IPhones, netflix and Justin Bieber so I guess it will still be a cool year.

In reflection on the lightening fast blur that was 2010 I can think of the main highlight that dominated much of this year. He came in a darling little 8 pound package of sweetness that we called after 2 minutes of deliberation and tossing the moniker he had adorned as a fetus; Jacob...and it fit (he is so Jake (y) ). I laid in bed with him four days and fell totally in love, it was awesome. Then I thought I wanted to move to the country for a bit so there was the months of quick mini renovations and paint jobs and packed boxes...only to be unpacked into a house we discovered rejuvenated love for. I was a vegan(ish) for six months until I ate a big mac in lui of running down a wild turkey on the side of the road and thus ended that phase. Then I gave Jon a break over Christmas and didn't start anything radical...now I am in full creative swing again and signed up for soap making, building a cob oven, sewing wool diaper covers and wheat grass growing classes. Fun Fun... you know so I can be useful when we go off the grid (can you still get netflix...and Dominoes pizza delivery off grid...hmmmm).

I suppose I should resolve to be more resolute since I don't have a lot of ideas this year. I think I have come into a really comfortable place where I am satisfied more than wanting. I think sometimes about the books I want to read...and write, the classes I want to take, the organizations I want to join, the projects I want to start (and finish) but only fleetingly. I have fully recognized that I am in a unique and all encompassing time of my life right now that can be so joyous and rewarding beyond dreams so long as I don't try to balance it with anything else. I am really enjoying my family right now and I just want to do more of that this year. I want to do more things that matter with them and less things that pass time. I want to have more conversations (now that I have a child who converses..and well..and hilariously...) and make more memories.
On another note, I want to give up totally on my pot cupboard. It is never going to be organized, and every meal forever will consist of me slamming around in there and banging pot lids on the ground. I am at peace with this. It is a good place.
I hope to be more conscious of my footprint...leave things a little nicer than I found them; trade my van in on a civic...hang dry more clothes, grow a garden that actually yields produce, compost...use the farmers market, maybe join a farm co op. Hmmmm...I want to keep learning to bake and cook new things, especially with Ben's help. He is a great little cook, although you have to watch him because he eats everything along the way...him and batters...I just don't know...plan less (is this already breaking that resolution?) and toilet train Ben. He will not turn 4 in diapers. No. No. No. Yes, I should add "stop trying to put my children on an arbitrary developmental time line" on the list but seriously...4...in diapers, when he has been perfectly capable of independent elimination for almost 2 years now...it is his smug desire to drive his Mother batty that overwhelms the urge to pee unfortunately, that is the problem. Oh and he is adorable and indulged (that sounds less character reflective than "spoiled" doesn't it?) and I am bad at consistency. So lets end on that note shall we? I will be more "consistent" in 2011.