28 weeks

Lets pretend that my mirror is not nearly this dirty...I knew how to turn my flash off and my face was in the picture...

Hello third trimester! Hello Heartburn and leg cramps. (Which after a first trimester of dry heaving and migraines...I am happy to be here! Funny thing, perspective...)

Assuredly after this photo was taken I could see that I am not AS big as I feel like I am. I FEEL gigantic. Now I know... I still have a long way to go. I hope this last trimester goes by as quickly as the second did. I can hardly imagine life with a new baby again...a little GIRL baby at that! And yet I can't remember a time when she hasn't been present in our life to some degree...lingering in the background. We have been expecting her for a long time. I felt her when I was pregnant with Ben and again with Jacob... It wasn't that I wanted a girl over a boy, I just really felt like there was a girl in our family...she has been named and been shopped for, for 5 years.
***This was the baby's closet in 2007...before we found out it was Ben coming first! (it would have made your head spin how fast that closet went from pink to blue...but I kept everything...and went through it all again when we were expecting Jacob!)

And finally...here she comes! We can't wait to meet this little girl!

Lately...

I don't want to forget these little moments that made me smile...

Ben- snuggling up to me on the couch with the blanket from his bed.
"Mommy...I am using my "orgidary" blanket. But I am not an Orgidary boy.
"oh no?"
"I am a..." He looks down sheepishly at the floor and stifles a smile "SUPER boy".

He is surprising me with the depth of his questions lately...mostly because I have to actually think now..or even look it up!
"Mommy, if there is no other route where a construction crew is working, where would they put the detour?" (and yet he pronounces it "orgidary" ha!)
"If gas is clear, what colour is diesel fuel

Ben is starting to read. He has some sight words that he knows, recognizes and can write all of his letters and numbers (except the number 2...and "S" he struggles with them horribly and I have to try not to laugh at his efforts because his frustration is very real, but also secretly makes me smile). He wants DESPERATELY to read which is the fire he needs to get himself there. I am thrilled with his enthusiasm. I have read to him from literally the day he was born, filled our home with hundreds of children's books and planned weekly library trips for years in hopes that I would have children who love to read. There is nothing you can't learn, no where you can't go and nothing better then getting caught up in a book!

Jacob is a nutty little dancer. He stomps and claps as he hops around...then he falls on the ground lifting a leg and shouting "Ta Daaaaa"!

he loves to be wrapped in a blanket and rocked in his rocking chair. He loves to be "my baby" he reminds me of this as we rock- "My Mommy baby?" he says in his sweet little falsetto. Always I say. Always.

Jon went to watch his Kung Fu class last week. He had brought the boys with him a few times when I was sick last winter and Jake remembers this vividly. Jon shut the door and Ben inquired where he went. Jacob, overhearing, ran back in the kitchen moments later with his little fire fighter rain boots squeezed on over his footed pajamas. "ME GO! ME GO! ME GO! ME GO DADDY!" It was a mix of hopeful desperation and I knew the face that would crumble when I broke him the news. "Daddy already left, just Daddy is going tonight". Sure enough, he crumbled to the ground, shoulders hung. The same little voice now wailing in defeat "Nooooo Meeeee Gooooo!" oh the heartbreak! It was truly pathetic. If we had another vehicle I would have actually driven him over myself I could barely stand it. But true to two year resiliency, some of his beloved Duck's antics on Little Bear and a bowl of grapes was enough to distract him.

I talked to Ben on the phone the other day. I didn't recognize his voice and realized that I had never spoken to him over the telephone before. It was strange. I had never been away from him so much to warrant a phone conversation in the past.

I sure am grateful for the happiness that little children bring to a family. They really do add a level of joy to our home that couldn't otherwise be had without every little bit of what they have to offer. These are hard times, but they are happy days.

Just A Baby...

When we told someone we were expecting our third baby last week we were met with a surprising response.
"Isn't it funny that with the first everything is so exciting, but by the third, it's just a baby"?
JUST a baby?! I disagreed with him and told him so. On the contrary, by the third baby I am more aware of what a baby MEANS.
I know what it feels like to finally hold a newborn on the magical day of their birth. I know what it means to snuggle, smell and love a brand new person. I understand more fully the miracle it is every single time a new baby makes their arrival. I know what being a mother means. I know the fullness of joy that comes with watching a baby learn and grow. I know how the heart stretches and pulls to accommodate all the love I need for three. I am aware of the absolute preciousness of a small baby, how close to God a new Mother is as she holds one of his little ones, fresh from his arms. I know how uniquely wonderful the love between siblings is. I know they have someone to love, protect and kick under the table for life. I know how my husband glows and I fall in love all over again as he looks into the eyes of our child for the first time and smiles to me.
I am confident that I know how to Mother my children. The third baby gets parents who finally knows what they are doing. I know that parenting small children can push and pull you every day. I am better for it. Grateful for the lessons they teach me about myself and life. I know how fleeting and awesome it all is. I remember to savor it now. I am privileged and blessed beyond words to experience the best that life holds all over again.
My third little one. She is a bright spot of joy in our life. She is already a part of our family. We talk about her daily and are anticipating her arrival. She is our hope for the future and a third reason to be positive, hopeful and faithful when life gets hard. Someone that has already done all this is hardly "just a baby", on the contrary she is a wonderful, amazing, miraculous baby. Though I believe, they all are.

Two Awesome Boys

Ben and Jake are by all accounts two great kids. I can take them anywhere and know that they will be well behaved, polite and obedient. They are kind, sweet, funny and smart. Everyday I wake up, I am still in shock that I get to call them mine. I have always been very proud of them but these last 6 months, with my difficult first trimester and then with Jon's illness they have really really amazed us.
They have their moments of course, where my face can turn a unique shade of purple and a few more strands of my hair lose pigment but then I remember that their mom is exhausted, lacking in patience, hormonal and losing more of her lap daily, their Dad has cancer, can't lift them, play or wrestle, their house is packed up, most of their toys trapped in boxes and their world...well, pretty much turned upside down. And then I am amazed again, that they don't act out ALL the time...because they are confused, angry, resentful or lacking the heaps of attention I wish we had to dole out right now. Instead they bounce back to being affectionate, entertained with a rope and a box and kind to each other. Jacob loves to help, Ben takes such good care of him, he is my second set of eyes and ears a lot of the time. They can tell when we need some quiet, when we need a hug and when we need a laugh. I am so proud of these two awesome boys!

Just Try to Keep Him In!

We are struggling to keep Jacob satisfied indoors. He screeches like a wild banshee if we shut the patio door...ie his exit into the free world. This boy LOVES the outdoors. I vaguely remember a less intense version of this last year. Two year old Jacob however is not so shy about making his most minor desire known.
His true passion lies with his ducks.
I am afraid when we move (to a house with no pond in the backyard...)he is going to be very upset. He feeds them, watches them intently, has mastered the "duck call", sings about them and to them and is just plain in love with them.

His Hand

I think if someone had told me about my life today a year ago...five...ten... I would start to sweat, cry, run away! I would think "NO! I am not strong enough, I can't do hard things like that! I don't want to!". I would imagine myself crumpling up under the weight of so many crushing elements. A move...surgery...baby...small children with their world upside down...all at once.
Impossible! I would think.
Instead, as we wrap up the most difficult week yet...I don't feel what I imagined.

I feel grateful.

Grateful for every moment of every day I have with those I love.
Grateful for the reminder that we are not promised any tomorrow's.
Grateful that since the moment I first saw Jon after he woke up from surgery that my heart flipped into my stomach like it was our fourth date...and has every time since.
Grateful for him.
Grateful for his example of strength. He has never once complained, or expressed resentment or negativity. Though in the last week I have seen him truly struggle and hurt. He is amazing.
Grateful for a surgeon who knew what he was doing and gives his life to prolonging others if he can.
Grateful for a Mother who more than took over for me at home with my children so I could focus completely on my husband...in a house that is 75% packed for a move.
Grateful for a Dad who finished up all our pre-move projects that were lingering and got the extra energy out of some little boys who are crazy about him.
Grateful for sunny and 20 degree days in March (MARCH?!)
Grateful for Jon's parents who don't stop parenting their child even though he is all grown up.
Grateful for friends and family who continue to email and send sweet cards in the mail.
Grateful for strength and health.
Grateful for this little baby and her kicks that make me smile.
Grateful that my children are so young that they accept just what I tell them.
Grateful that even though Jon and I can't lift a box ourselves, we will be moved into our new house in two weeks thanks to the support and love of so many around us.
Grateful that after a storm the sun is so much brighter then you ever realized before.
Grateful that we have a new and stronger perspective and sense of compassion for others.
Grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who I once believed knew and loved each of his children. And now I KNOW. Undeniably, in-arguably, unequivocally, I KNOW this. His strength and Grace have been gifted to us in ways that we could never even thought to ask for. We have been the recipients of miracles in our life, large and small. Undeniably from His hand.

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
Isaiah 41:10

Wrestling

I admit...my efforts at getting these two to stop pummeling each other are fruitless. I think it is like a hug/handshake...when little boys have a desire to show affection for one another it manifests all to rarely as an actual hug and more often as one lunging themselves on the other...sometimes from across the room or from the top of a piece of furniture.
Sigh...

Backyard Visitor

"Mommy! Quick, I need a piece of paper to write down my clue! There is a mystery animal in our yard with tracks that look like THIS!"

...Yes, it was indeed a little gray bunny!

Why Sleep Alone?

when you can have a bed full of toys?!

Catapult

My Angry Birds loving boy was thrilled to build a REAL catapult with Daddy...it works great. I have had plenty of tape balls to the head to prove the accuracy of the contraption...

***We told Ben to "pose" with it...and pose he did!

"Wiss Lists"

Sometimes things become so commonplace that they seem normal...until it occurs to me that it may not be typical for everyone. This dawned on me last week at the store. When Ben asks for something new we always tell him to put it on "the list". This was case last week at the store, standing in line waiting to pay for our purchase (that did not include the logging truck he desperately wanted) "...I will put it on my "wiss list" (wish) AND on my birthday list. I would put it on my lost list except that I can't find it" (he is too young for the irony but the couple in front of us couldn't stifle their smiles at his running dialogue over the lists he keeps)...on my wiss list I will write a check mark on what I really really really REALLY love and an X on what, I don't just REALLY love...my logging truck will get TWO check marks...." You have to give him credit for his last attempt....I think he almost convinced the couple in front to go get it for him.

Yes...Ben and his lists... they make me smile, but are such a "normal" thing for him.

The other thing that makes me smile every night is when I remove from his bed the worn, torn, well loved and dog eared, marked up, circled, checked and X'd Christmas Sears wish book catalog. He has slept with it in his bedroom every night since it arrived in November and often times with it right beside his head.