Monthly Archives: March 2009

March 31, 2009 · 9:42 pm

Lazy Daisy

All of my get up and go has got up and gone. The house is a tragedy. I think I remember what exercise is. And I’m fairly certain I’ll have clean undies but only ‘walk around by themselves soon’ dirty jeans to wear to work tomorrow.

Not sure if I’m this tired from Bubble having joined the party, or if all this hanging around following docs orders post egg transfer has become a habit. Maybe a bit of both.

I don’t want to scare Bubble away but the two of us are going to have to move around a bit more if we’re going to be able to get through the next 8 months in one, then two healthy pieces.

And I’m gonna have to do some laundry before I get a personal hygiene note from HR.

And I’m gonna have to clean the house before some creepy crawly decides to join us at this address.

Oh – but I’m tired. So tired. 16 hours of queasy really knocks it out of you.

Two sleeps till ultrasound! Maybe the laundry can wait two sleeps too.

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March 30, 2009 · 9:28 pm

So that’s why it’s called Morning Sickness

I think it’s official. I suffer from morning sickness. I’ve been feeling queasy at various times – usually between 1 and 6 in the afternoon.

Today I woke up and did a little work before really getting moving. By the time I was in the shower I felt dreadful. Crawled downstairs to nibble on animal crackers and lay down on the couch until I had to leave for my meeting.

Brought snacks for the car ride and got through the meeting – looking a little green – then back to the office.

It’s not full on throwing up. And there was only one cough/heave combo today. But all in all I feel like Crap! I’ve heard feeling sick is a good sign. And I know that after all we’ve been through, what’s a little upset stomach? Right?

But I tell you – Bubble had better have a stellar heartbeat on Thurs…

Of course – there are other times when I’m feeling particularily poopy and I bump my sore bosom kind of on purpose and think to myself “I may be feeling horrible but we’re doing just fine.”

And then I suck it up and get on with my day.

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March 29, 2009 · 10:00 pm

Where does the time go?

I’ve been reading the books I have (thanks to T and SIL) about pregnancy and so many refer to my advanced maternal age…(the ripe old age of 36) and I’m really irked.

Mostly I’m ticked that we tried and tried to get here before the odometer clicked past the golden 34 onto the notably less shiny 35 and certainly before the blackened rust heap that is 36. WE TRIED DAMMIT!

Is there no room in there for describing the slightly advanced but dutifully taking prenatal vitamins, saving the booze for special occasions and failed cycles and thinking about everything that goes into the ‘wanttobemothership’? Doesn’t the 2 plus years of actively trying somehow negate some of my actual age? Well, doesn’t it?

it seems quite unfair to me that time marches on, paying no heed to how hard we work or how much we sacrifice.

Then time, that dirty bit.ch, slows to a grinding halt whenever there’s waiting to be done. Waiting for cycles to start, betas then ultrasounds…

Time is not my friend today. Screw time.

SIDEBAR:

Ideas for calcium?

Throwing this one out there. I’m lactose intolerant and am trying to get enough calcium without additional supplements. Anybody have ideas on how to sneak extra cal into day to day eating?

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March 28, 2009 · 11:40 pm

Hiding in the Closet

It’s very weird to know you’re PG and to be acting like you’re PG but not actually telling people. Tonight we went to a dinner party and I drank lots of delicious water while everyone else drank copious amounts of wine. I was yawning by 10:30 and ended up staying till midnight – about an hour after I turned into a pumpkin.

No one asked the question but I’m pretty sure it was the first topic of conversation after we left. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe no one noticed and I’m just hyper tuned in to the whole thing and just imagine everyone is looking at me all the time wondering if I am or I’m not.

Weird.

We’ve been having discussions about when we’re going to come out and tell the world. Some people already know. Those who were aware of what we were going through have already heard the good word – delivered with a note of caution about how early, the risks, just news, no congratulations yet.

Looking forward to talking freely about it. I think it will feel both more real and more like it’s really going to happen once it’s all out in the open.

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March 27, 2009 · 9:42 pm

Lub Dub

According to my pregnancy books, Bubble’s heart is supposed to start beating today. We have no way of knowing until next Thursday if this particular miracle actually happened – but I am choosing to believe it did.

That Little Bubble’s heart has started beating in double time with mine. We’re six weeks in now and it seems just as precarious today as the first day we saw the other line.

I went to see my family doc for an OB referral. I asked him for someone who’s good with the nervous.  He asked me when I thought my nerves would subside. I told him maybe in about 9 months or so. It remains to be seen if the Baby Doc is as understanding as my Doc lead me to believe.

We’ll find out next friday.

I imagine with every beat of that teeny tiny heart, my heart grows just a little more. I hope we get the chance to find out if the Bubble has enough room in there eight months from now, with my swollen heart taking up so much space.

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March 26, 2009 · 10:45 pm

JustinCases and IfWe’reNots

As most infertiles do, husband and I planned some things just in case it didn’t work. And we got excited about some things that we’d do if we’re not pregnant.

Now that we are – and will hopefully remain so for 36 more weeks, I’m feeling the slightest twinge at one of my just in case scenarios. And trying to figure out how to make our if we’re not happen if we are.

This first one has been on my mind for a few years. Please know that after a year of back pain and fertility treatments – not sure how I was planning to pull this off – figured I’d walk it? Anyway – got the charge on my credit card today that shows I’ve been accepted as an entry into the San Francisco Women’s Marathon. Yay me…except that at this rate, I’ll be about 36 weeks pregnant.

I’m not pulling out or canceling anything. If things don’t go my way, a good long walk might be just what I need. But after not being drawn in the lottery the 2 previous years I feel excited to have been selected. And conflicted about the fact that I feel more excited about NOT going this year.

The other one. The Big Ifwe’renot is our trip to the 2010 Winter Olympics. Tickets? Check! Place to stay? Check! Three month old baby? Wha…? Oh yes. I have been blubbering nonstop about the olympics since I started our application for tickets last October (funny – also a lottery). I wasn’t sure we’d get them as there were lots of folks who entered and came up empty handed. But we have tickets to 10 events, a friend to stay with and a huge love of the games. I am stoked to go. Just not sure we can make the trip with Bubble in tow.

We’re so far so good. We’re cautiously optimistic. But we’re also not counting our Bubbles before they’re hatched.

Soon the time will come to let go of all those justincases (we’ll paint the office neutral justincase it’s never anything but an office) and the ifwe’renots (if we’re not pregnant we’ll go to italy in June) and start thinking off all the ’causeweare’s. Cause we are pregnant, we have to decide if we’ll try to go to the olympics or sell our tickets…

Wonder when that time is?

And what are your JustinCases?

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March 25, 2009 · 10:42 pm

Nothing to report

First, would like to say a heartfelt thank-you for all your inter-love these last couple of weeks. It shouldn’t be this bumby a ride – what with all this positive news rattling around in my head – but I’ve had a bit of a hard go of it and I appreciate all the warm comments and overwhelming support.

Second – I have nothing to report today.

Had a crazy day at work that’s just ending now so there wasn’t time for all my worry to sneak in.

Not much Bubble news to report – no new aches or pains. No increased sea-sickness. No relief from the ‘used to be DD’s’ (have to go looking for a new b/ra this weekend. Fear I’m jumping up to the E’s. yikes? where you do find an E?)

Also was a dud ICWL’ver today – so need to do double duty tomorrow. Have one week till we have our ultrasound and hopefully hear a heartbeat and then hopefully settle into the new normal with much more grace than has thus far been achieved.

Going to the family doc tomorrow to get a referral to an OB. No idea how long it takes to get an appointment…not that I’m any stranger to waiting.

I think this might win for my most boring post yet.

hmmm, maybe a list to leave off…

Five bubble related things I’ve let myself google…

5. just how large will I be at my best friends wedding

answer: 2 story house

4. when does one start needing maternity clothes

answer: no good answer – anytime between 2 and 6 month…thanks for that, google.

3. are there pictures of a penguin themed nursary

answer: no, and why are you wanting to know this early – you might jinx it

2. how much weight should I gain?

answer: no good answer – somewhere between 15 and 50 lbs. Great. Thanks again.

1. When will the Bubble get here?

answer: approx the 20th of November… Fingers, toes, legs, arms, eyes crossed.

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March 24, 2009 · 10:10 pm

At the Crossroads

Now that we know crisis to Bubble has been averted, I have another that’s been on my mind.

I’m having a bit of identity crisis – one that I suspect many infertiles find themselves having once they see the second line on the stick.

My whole world has been shaped by IF for more than 2 years (longer than some, not even close to as long as others). Now that there’s a Bubble in the oven, I have to admit, I feel a bit lost.

I feel a bit like a traitor to my infertile friends – I had the audacity to jump ship to the island of breeders. And I feel my easy-come-fertile pregnant friends just aren’t the same kind of pregnant.

They’re not worried about cramps that go bump in the night, or wondering when they can start to believe they’re really, really pregnant. They have some twinges – no big deal. They’re picturing a nursery, planning their mat leave.

And my infertile friends are looking at options, deciding what’s next, counting down days and counting up follicles. I completely get where they’re at. I just don’t quite know how to deal with where I’m at.

I am very aware that at any given moment I could be right back where I was before. But I’m pretty sure I’ll never be where the other pregsters are. So what does that make me?

Do all find-themselves-fertalized-infertiles feel so ambushed by these feelings  of having one foot in both camps- or am I just a big whiner?

I feel like a big whiner. Boo to me.

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March 24, 2009 · 10:15 am

Bubble still looks like a bubble.

Just wanted to post a quick update. Today’s ultrasound was a-ok. There’s one healthy uterine pregnancy in there. Bubble is measuring perfectly. There doesn’t seem to be any distress caused by the cramping. We we told to be on the lookout for sudden severe pain as Other Bubble may have implanted in the left tube – but the chances are very highly unlikely.

We’re back in on the 2nd for a better look and hopefully a heartbeat. It was too soon to see one today.

Phew.

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March 23, 2009 · 7:41 pm

Cramps and More Cramps

Last night I had cramping so bad it woke me up. I was sure it was all over. Went to pee and no evidence of the Bubble in distress but the cramping continued and kept me up almost till morning.

The pain continued on and off in the morning then picked up again in the afternoon.

I emailed the clinic first thing in the AM and they’ve moved my ultrasound up to tomorrow morning just to be sure everything is ok.

When I got word they were moving me up I packed it in at the office and came home to work. Which was more  nap than work because it was seasick time and that time is better passed asleep.

Today – as far as I know, I am still pregnant. Tomorrow I might not be. I might be waiting for an impending miscarriage. I really hope that’s not the case. I hope that it’s just some weird intestinal thing, or uterus stretching and moving to make room for Bubble.

I’m not ready to say goodbye. I haven’t really had the chance to say hello!

So I have to believe that it’s just growing pains. That Bubble is there. Safe and sound. And that we’ll see him there – bubbling along tomorrow. Oblivious to all the cramps, cramps and more cramps that are going on around him.

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