Category Archives: bubble

March 21, 2009 · 10:18 pm

Embracing Bubble

I spent an entire day ‘feeling’ pregnant. It was the first day since I first saw the second line that my whole day was free of anxiety. Well, maybe there was a little, but it wasn’t the dominant feeling.

I baked cupcakes for a baby shower then we went to the snazzy neighbourhood baby store to pick out a gift. We browsed and chatted about strollers and cloth vs disposable. Not in a certain way like it’s a sure thing, but more tangibly than ever before.

Next I went out with a dear friend visiting from out of town who is in the know. She brought me to a bookstore so she could buy me a gift- a pregnancy book, and shared her experience of early pregnancy.

Then off to the shower for a friend/ultimate frisbee teammate – a couple shower so Husband attended as well. I answered a lot of questions and endured sideways glances without giving up the secret. Though turning down drinks and not joining my ultimate frisbee teams this summer is likely a dead giveaway.

I’m sure the play by play of my day isn’t very exciting. But it was really exciting for me to have today. A day where Bubble felt both real and possible.

Not out of the woods yet. But settling in to this new reality.

12 Comments

Filed under bubble, ivf

Tagged as , ,

March 19, 2009 · 10:14 pm

The other 2WW

Ultrasound has been booked – for 2 weeks from today…yup – another 2WW. This time, not to find out if we’re pregnant. But to find out if, after 7? weeks, we’re still pregnant.

The world is a cruel place. All we can do is believe that the Bubble is A-ok and wait, wait, wait. You think we’d be better at it by now.

In an effort not to sound ungrateful, without faith in the Bubble and a little crazy, I’m trying to embrace being pregnant (even though I’m scared shi.tle.ss that I won’t be for long). So today, in the spirit of being a pregnant lady I embraced what felt like seasicknes at my desk for about 2.5 hours in the afternoon. I embraced wanting my lunch so badly I could hear my stomach saying please, please – then as soon as I got a whiff of it being completely turned off and wanting something different. I ate about half of my second lunch – wasn’t interested in door #1 – then felt so full I was aching. (for about 30 min after which I was stomach-pain hungry all over again). I embraced having more pee breaks than some of the women from two floors down have smoke breaks.  And I embraced the thought of never embracing again as a hug I got at work today had my flaming chest begging for mercy.

I’ve spent so much time trying to get pregnant I’ve never given much thought to what it’s like to be pregnant. And the truth so far, 5 weeks in, is it’s really weird. Like weeeeeeird.

Wonder what’s in store for me next?

5 Comments

Filed under bubble, conceive, ivf

Tagged as ,

March 18, 2009 · 9:13 pm

Afraid of Blowing Bubbles

Bubble Baby is still in there – growing away, boosting beta and disturbing my digestion. I know it’s in there – though there’s no ultrasound proof – and I love it very much.

Perhaps an irrational amount because I am plagued with fear of blowing this. I am worried about tying my shoes, bouncing on the streetcar, starving Bubble by not eating enough, squishing Bubble by eating too much.  I’m turning into a whole different kind of crazy person.

I’m not sure if this fear will subside. Once we see the ultrasound or hear the heartbeat or creep out of the first trimester will I feel like I can let my guard down and just be excited about it?

I have wanted this and worked for this and sacrificed for this…and it just feels so precarious. So fleeting.

And then I fear that it will abruptly come to an end and I won’t have properly soaked in the majesty of it all. Bubble feels at arms length. Like a Bubble in a bubble. Or a snowglobe. I can get the sense of it. I get glimpses of the future. But I can’t quite let it in – there’s a barrier – there’s a crippling fear – standing guard.

I want the wonder of these moments, these miraculous moments to dispearse every particle of afraid. So I can burst through the wall, skip through the puddles, smile at the sun and feel the warm radiant joy that comes with Bubbles.

2 Comments

Filed under bubble, ivf

Tagged as , ,