It’s a Zoo Around Here

Well, I AM still here, and so sorry for neglecting my poor blog!  I say this every time, but I do still keep an eye on the blogs of my dear readers, even though I don’t have time to comment much.  We are doing well, lots of adjusting and trying to balance all the craziness in my life at the moment.  Baby Bee is doing SO well, and changes every single day (she is fifteen weeks old today!).  We constantly notice how strong she’s getting – she loves “standing” with us holding her, and watches the dog run all over the house.  Luckily breastfeeding is going MUCH better.  We had a lactation consultant come to the house, and her recommendation was for me to cut out dairy.  ALL dairy.  Like, read every single ingredient on everything I eat to see if it contains milk.  Things that contain milk that you wouldn’t normally think of: sausage, chicken noodle soup, chocolate (even most American dark chocolate), Fig Newtons, the list goes on and on!  But, it has totally worked for us.  B/f is easier, but she’s also such a happier baby overall, less itchy and fussy, less scream-y, thank goodness!

April 1st one year ago was our egg retrieval, and the day that the doctors successfully found sperm in Bear’s fresh sample.  I just keep thinking about everything we went through for five years, and how now we have baby Bee.  I love her to pieces and I’m trying to be “grateful” for what we’ve been through because now we have her and she is perfect.  The IFV/ICSI was difficult and stressful and costly.  I’m having vivid flashbacks of the entire process, like waking up before dawn to drive to the clinic, the shots, and of course the insanely long Wait Until Beta.  We took off to Mendocino for a few days to try and distract ourselves during that time, and I read the entire Twilight series in about three days.  I could NOT work or focus on anything but Am. I. Pregnant.  In some ways it feels like yesterday, but also like a lifetime ago.  We sent a nice long letter with photos to our clinic thanking them (how could I ever thank them enough?).   I think I’ll always remember that time very vividly.

Better hit “publish” and get some sleep…so true when someone told me “the days are long but the years are short”.  Time is flying, slowly!

My love to you all, if you are still reading, and thank you!!    Here’s a picture of our sweetie!

Today little Bee is one month old.  I can hardly believe it; the time is just flying by!  Things have been going OK for us, although the breastfeeding is still really difficult.   Basically I have a ton of milk, and when I try to feed her it chokes her and she gets upset and won’t latch on.  Screaming and fist-pounding follows (her, not me), and I often end up in tears, sweating, thinking how I just can’t do this.  My first visit to the consultant they told me to pump to get rid of some of the “pressure” and then to pump if she didn’t finish a boob.  However, that just succeeded in creating a monster (two monsters) that had even more milk.  So a week ago I stopped pumping completely to try to regulate down the amount of milk.  Rough week, with a second engorgement, but now things are a little bit more manageable.

We also have a hard time getting the little one to sleep on her own.  She falls asleep on our chest, being patted on the back, but then wants to sleep there all night.  Sometimes, if she is fast asleep, we can move her into her bouncy seat for an hour or so, but mostly I’ve ended up sleeping with her on my chest/neck.  Sometimes I worry that I’m creating a bad habit, but when it is the only thing that keeps her from screaming all night, it’s hard to be disciplined.  I just want to comfort my little baby!

This is totally crazy, but I’ve been working pretty much since she was born.  My clients mostly gave me a short break from Christmas to New Year’s, but I’ve been having to do email and a few scheduled phone calls over the past weeks.  I have appointments starting in two weeks.  Honestly, it sucks.  I just want to be with my girl, and I’m exhausted.  It just comes with the territory of being self-employed, but I long for a true “maternity leave.”  I had no idea how hard it would be to try and schedule something.  If baby wants to eat, she wants to eat, and there is no getting her to eat early or late.  Thank goodness most of my clients are fine with emails, because I can write those even with a crying baby, or a baby in my arms, or write the email at 3am and send it out at 9am.  I have to remember that while it sucks now, I will have lots of flexibility throughout her life, working from home and not having a 9-5 type job.  Have you seen that Oprah where they look at life in other countries?  And, some countries have a year of maternity leave, plus a nurse to come help at the home?  Standard?  Must be nice!!

I have a million other things I could write about (if only I had the time!), but one of the things I’ve been having a hard time with I think it something that only infertiles could relate to.   Almost from the moment she was born, I’ve been spending lots of time thinking about future children.  We worked so hard to have Bee, and we still have six frozen embryos in storage.  The extra stress of having to purchase a FET cycle, combined with my busy working schedule, makes it something that we will have to plan sooner than regular fertile couples might.  Also, I’m seriously confused about how many embryos we would transfer.  On this successful cycle we transferred two, but that was before I realized how hard twins would be in our life (especially with my job).  Plus, twins the first time around seems like a different ball game than having a toddler and then having twins…and, we might only want two children, not three.  But, what if we did a single embryo transfer and it didn’t work?  All that money and time and heartache.  I realize that I am totally getting ahead of myself, but I can’t seem to help it.  Fears and anxieties of an infertile, I guess.  I’m really trying to be in the moment with Bee, but in the middle of the night, when I’m up and tired and stressed my mind goes there.  I wonder sometimes if I just always have to worry or stress about something, and now that I finally have what we’ve wanted for so long, I’m just finding something new to worry about.  My therapist did say that my hormones might be making this worse, so hopefully these feelings will fade over time.

Here is a picture of Bee from about two weeks ago.  Such a cutie!

Our little baby has arrived, and it’s a girl!  It has been an absolutely insane week here, but I wanted to post and update you all because your support and sharing has meant so much to me over the past two years.  This is going to be the quick update, and I’m writing out the birth story in a longer version and will post that soon.

Baby Bee (that’s what I’m going to call her here) was born on 12/16, at 9:03pm.  She was 8 pounds and 11 ounces, and 21 inches tall.  It was a super quick labor – she was born three hours after we arrived at the hospital – and we were able to have the labor be a natural one.  It is all pretty overwhelming, but we just absolutely love her.

Here is a photo from a maternity photo shoot we did in mid-November (sorry about the belated belly shot), and a photo of our daughter.  Oh, how I love saying that!

I hope you are all doing well, and having a WONDERFUL holiday!!

Hello my lovely readers!  Of course, I have to apologize for not writing for so long.  It mostly has to do with work and how every minute of my life feels filled with brides and grooms and mothers-of-the-bride and flowers and equipment rentals details and trying to sell new clients in a tough economy.  Owning my company and having a shitload of debt is enough to keep me motivated to give 100% service basically around the clock…and believe me, the brides don’t mind calling and emailing at all hours.  Honestly, I can’t complain about the work because I am grateful to have it.  Here is my current weekend schedule: Up at 6am on Saturday to catch up on computer work, packing tons of food and water for the long day ahead, running around like an insane lunatic on my feet at the wedding from Noon to 1:00 in the morning, driving an hour home, and spending the next day with aching body in bed.  Monday, right back to work.  I am just looking forward to November when “season” finally slows down and I can rest.  Oh, and my house?  Thank god for a sweet and supportive husband, who has completely taken over the dishes, cooking, cleaning, and even comes to help me on my event days.  WHEW!

Of course, I have to balance working hard with taking care of myself, and I am trying.  I wish I could take it easier, but for now I need to finish up my jobs for this year.  It kind of feels like a race against time, because I’m trying to get everything done while I still feel good and energetic.  Last Wednesday was 24 weeks (!).  I do feel good, although I’m starting to move more slowly and I usually need help getting off the couch.  Our last doctor’s appointment went well, we heard a nice strong heartbeat – 140.  We got the drink and instructions for the glucose test later this month, and also received a big packet of stuff from the hospital.  It’s a little overwhelming – the first half of the pregnancy was all about waiting and worrying and thinking one week at a time.  I would look at the pregnancy books and not venture too far past the current week (and would DEFINITELY not go into the second half of the book about birth plans and infant care).  Suddenly people want to schedule showers, and I’m filling out the admin forms for the hospital.  I’m so grateful and happy to be here, but I constantly have to take a deep breath and just make the decisions as they come.

The one little rough patch we had last month was finding out that baby has a choroid plexus cyst.  When we went in for our big anatomy scan at about 19 weeks, it was wonderful.  The tech spent about an hour with us and declared that everything looked great.  I just loved staring at the baby for so long, and seeing every little detail!  I seem to be carrying so low that I had to be inverted for much of the ultrasound – all the blood rushing to my head – to try and “give gravity a chance.”  About two weeks later our doctor left us a message on a Friday night at 7:30pm.  She basically said that we were going to receive the results of the scan in the mail, and she didn’t want us to worry.  The baby has a cyst in it’s brain, but it is nothing to worry about.  Oh, and by the way, I’m leaving in the morning on vacation for a week, but really, don’t worry and call me next week if you want to talk about it.  Um, WTF?

I was totally thrown for a loop, because I had never even heard of such a thing!  I immediately went into our bedroom to have Bear listen to the message, and he was as surprised as me.  He quickly went into consoling me, telling me that the doctor wouldn’t have said not to worry if it wasn’t true.  You couldn’t get me to my computer fast enough, where I spent the next hour with Dr. Google.  Here is the best article I could find, and this is a summary:

The choroid plexus is an area of the brain that is not involved thinking or personality. Rather, the choroid plexus makes a fluid that protects and nourishes the brain and spinal cord. When a fluid-filled space is seen in the choroid plexus during an ultrasound, it is called a choroid plexus cyst (CPC). “We don’t know why, but between 1 and 3 percent of all fetuses will manifest a CPC at 16 to 24 weeks of pregnancy,” says Dr. Roy A. Filly, a Professor of Radiology and of Obstetrics, Gynecology and Reproductive Sciences and Chief of the Section of Diagnostic Sonography at University of California, San Francisco. CPCs can be found either on one side of the brain (unilateral) or both sides (bilateral). They can vary in size and shape, from small and round to large and irregular. Some fetuses have more than one.

The Good:

Regardless of their number, shape or size, choroid plexus cysts are not harmful to the baby. “I am not aware of a single instance where a CPC caused damage to a fetus,” says Dr. Filly.

<!–

to be my family, friends, husband, dog and cats.   Because every Memorial Weekend I fall off the face of the Earth because work gets absolutely insane.  It ends around mid-October.  It’s no coincidence that I started this blog last October.  Please, please accept my apologies, and know that it’s nothing personal.  Working around the clock, attending work-related evening events every night  and then working straight through every weekend…that’s my life for the next six months.  Joy!

I’ll try to give a quick update.  Everything is going well with the pregnancy so far.  We’re at 12 weeks this Wednesday, and we had our 10 week ultrasound and were able to see the little arms and legs and big head.  It was surreal, because after the first u/s I was just imagining it like a little non-moving bean.  May was absolutely exhausting, and I got a little behind on work (hence the last two weeks of flurried work to catch up).  The past week or two I’ve felt things definitely, um, shifting around.  I guess it’s ligament pain, but I feel kind of a discomfort in my entire lower torso these days.  The nausea is easing up, although I feel super-lucky that I never actually got sick.  Oh, until Saturday night, when I got food poisoning at an event, and vomited so hard that I broke every capillary on my face and neck.  So now I look like a freak!

I bit the bullet and told my business partner that I’m pregnant, and she took it very well.  She was excited and happy, and thrilled with the “shockingly perfect timing” of it all!  Little does she know just HOW timed it all was.  She’s sort of a mama bear, though, so now she’s become a little controlling of the amount of work she “gives” me, regardless of what I want or ask for.  But, so far so good.  I’ve told one or two more friends, but I’m still feeling pretty hesitant to want to spread the word.

I’m doing lots of work with my therapist, regarding the many complicated feelings I’m having with friends, telling people, feeling positive (not always worrying that something bad will happen), adjusting my work schedule, etc.  I was at lunch with two wonderful friends today (my closest), and I think they started getting worried that I’m not 100% ecstatic about everything.  I tried to explain that for four years I built this giant shell of defense and bitterness and anti-baby/anti-pregnancy, and it’s just a little hard to bust through that wall.  Three months doesn’t really stand up to four years, you know?  But, deep down, and when I’m here with Bear, I am happy and grateful and excited.  It’s just really private for now.

A really amazing thing happened yesterday – Bear wanted to surprise me and take me out for the day.  He took me to brunch in the city, and then surprised me with tickets to Wicked.  AMAZING!  What a sweet surprise.  I do love that guy.

Please know that I am trying to keep up with you all, and even if I’m not commenting enough I am holding you all in my thoughts and hopes everyday.