Shutting it down

Hey! We wanted to thank everyone for reading our blog, and all of you that have us linked on your websites. It means so much you have no idea. We have decided to no longer pursue adoption. In times past I have never understood others who have chosen to do the same, I thought they were just giving up and did not have faith to keep going. But I am here to tell you how nice it has been to take our name out of our agency and just relax.

We play even more, we stress less And we are happier. Focusing on Dawson and not hoping for another child has brought a new element to being his mother. I can not even tell you. We are a giggly family but we giggle so much more now. And we have had a tent pitched in our family room since the end of May and I don't think it will be put back up until who knows when??? We are having so much fun together, just as we did before but to not be waiting anymore has done something for us as a family.  We are truly grateful. And it has been much needed to say the least. We started this second process over three years ago and I can not tell you the peace I felt to be done. Dawson and I went out in our backyard and hopped on one swing together and went as high as we could go and we just giggled. Its weird in some aspect to think about not pursuing it because it feels unnatural in a way if that makes any sense... but like a loss it is so freeing to move on. I want to say so much more but I am not sure what to say?

I will say this I feel so thankful. Yes I do wonder what will happen? If we will have more kids??? Dawson seems to think so, but I will say that my cup runneth over with love and peace I feel right now. Just to play with Dawson with out wishing all the while we had another. I feel like pursuing took so much emotional time from him. I still wonder and I still hope, but we are not pursuing it. And it is sooo nice! Do i hope we have more kids? Absolutely! But the difference to me is enjoying Dawson while I have him so young and he still wants to hold my hand.
Too, what also feels so different now is that in pursuing adoption I felt a loss for time with Dawson. We are tearing walls down and building some up in our house and I feel like we are doing the same emotionally. I feel that we have gone through a lot ( in life not adoption) and I feel like I have been given a chance to love all that I have. I feel like I keep trying to justify this in my mind, am I crazy because I feel grateful to be done?

 I keep telling this to Dan, I keep saying Im a woman, a mother shouldn't I want more kids? and I do but its weird to just be content. I spent so many years before Dawson came hoping to get pregnant then hoping to adopt. Then having him and thinking okay hes almost 2 we should start pursuing it again and we did. Then he turned 3 and I thought okay I am sure we will have one... then 4 and now 5 and REALLY????? It took 5 years to be content? When I was a little girl I would day dream and say I cant wait till I have a house with kids and a husband and.....
 AND I have that we bought our house 6 months ago and I was not happy in fact I was rather inside out. And I spent most of this six onths wondering what I was missing... I wasn't missing anything..........

Im not missing anything now. Either are you.

I have aspirations hopes and desires, but I have held my breath at times waiting for something that I hope for that I can not see. I already look back and regret the time I have spent feeling empty because we did not have another child. How many years have I spent hoping for a child or a second and ten years later...... I have missed out on everything around me that is beautiful because of one little storm cloud worrying about possible rain when im surrounded by my loves and we are having a picnic?

 And what if it did rain? Would we die? no. We would have decisions to make, run to the car... play in the rain.... But I think because so many of us have our minds made up on things we hope for that are good that we hold our breath and it may feel as though we might die if a child does not come. I have been there and it was horrible, but I look back and just like all of my miscarriages, there came a day when with peace we decide to not try to get pregnant any more and it was nice ( opposite as what you think you might feel) to move forward. It took some time and so has this the last few months I have not been myself, but I will say as I  have unclentched my palms as they have been tight at times, and I have opened myself to the possibilities I have never imagined... good things are abound.

Dan reminds me that Dave Ramsey talks about money and if your hands are clenched too tight money can not freely flow in and out. You want more money so your hands are closed tight holding on to what you have not wanting to loose what you have now, however if you never open your hands how are you to receive more? Is it a shift? YES! Does it take time? yes and no. Making a decision once its made, it is made and in that moment of deciding it does not take time. There is time leading up to that decision but once you have made it you naturally move on to take your next step. It has taken a few months to shift my thoughts but now that we have decided its like building a new path. A new plan. I have had MY plan my whole life, having to change a few things here and there as some things have not gone as I thought they would. But that's the very thing I have been holding on to my plan and mine alone. Is there faith involved yes But my plan fights with the Lords plan, when i feel stuck, im following what I think is best. Which living my life has taught me I don't have the best plans even though they are great plans like having children.

I guess instead of just posting this enormous post, I feel at peace doing something I never thought would bring me peace. And I will take peace over contention hands down or should I say open to unseen things!

Have you ever...

In the infertility world... adoption world... adding to your family world.... While waiting to add to your family have you ever secretly hoped that someone you know who is about to have a baby (whether they be a family member, close friend, co-worker ...ETC.) won't name the baby a name you have secretly hoped to name your child?  Am I narcissistic for saying that? 

Before Dan and I had Dawson we had a whole list of names that we would name our someday children. 

While we were hoping to adopt this last winter (HERE)  my sister was about to have a baby girl. All I kept thinking was that no one knows that we are hoping to adopt this soon to be baby, I hope that they don't pick the name that I have been waiting forever to name a little girl. I know I know that sounds silly but I really liked the name and families get silly about the same names in the same families however I kind of feel that maybe it doesn't really matter. 

 Sometimes I wonder, when I learn of someone in the family who is newly pregnant sometimes I wonder if in the past the name thing bothered me because it almost seemed as though if they have a Hannah first then our Hannah must not be coming? Maybe I am just embarrassing myself by saying all of this? If this at all makes any sense??

Keep blogging

I found this on the web and I am not sure who to give credit to for this awesome sign?

That said, we have been sick, sick and more sick. Just when I thought we were done, Dawson woke me up this morning with the runs. Too bad he ate all of his Pedialyte Popsicles I got for this type of situation, link HERE.

I like to be prepared and in this case we can't leave the house.... UGH. I have handed him his Halloween treat bucket to carry around with him in case he needs to use it for his tummy troubles. You may think that is gross BUT it has a handle which makes its easier than any of the bowls I have at  home.  (and I am by his side but he hasn't been making it to the toilet... hence the bucket and we need more undies..)

 I am grateful to be cleaning up vomit and poop right now. I feel so grateful. I know that sounds funny maybe to some. I used to get mad at Dan when he would tell me that he felt grateful to take care of me when I have been sick, now I get it. Its like he wold take pleasure in helping me ( and trust me I look pretty scary when Im sick) and I never got it. Staying by Dawson's side is a no brainer, he has been sick before plenty of times but he just spent the last week and a half with something else and so we have really spent some sweet movie and cuddle time together, I don't want to leave his side.

I find myself wanting to add to our family but I feel kind of stuck, and it just may not be time and that is okay however I have to keep having home studies done unless I just want to put everything on hold and pay more money and start the process all over again when it feels like the time is right. If I don't want to start the application and the whole process again which takes months of interviews... we have to just keep updating with our agency but it feels like going to the OBGYN even though you know you are not pregnant but they have to keep routinely checking because it is protocol. 

 I will say this, I am thankful for Dan and for Dawson.

AN UPDATE:

If you or anyone of your loved ones get sick and you decide to use the very useful halloween bucket or anything of the like, make sure you put a little glue from a glue gun at the bottom of your bucket as they have holes..... we have loved using our bucket and now that it is in full use we just slide whatever we have on hand underneath it as he throws up... im not taking it away from him now.

Second Update:

I haven't eaten all day because I just did not know if I would end up sick but now it is nearing 5pm and I either feel really hungry or nauseated and I am just not sure... to eat or not to eat that is the question.

Happy Heart Day

I just wanted to wish everyone a happy valentine's day. I wanted to hand out valentines to some neighbors who are health conscious so I thought it was an awesome idea if we got little bags of carrots and said something like I car- rot about you happy valentines day. Dan giggled so hard about the idea, and I couldn't find the mini carrots at Costco so I decided not to do it. Plus Dawson has been sick with some hefty cold and I decided it wouldn't be good to hand out valentines just in case the germ decides to travel. Back to the carrot idea i thought it was an awesome idea but Dan just keeps laughing about it. Plus what if someone was inundated with sweets today don't you think they would enjoy something fresh??

 happy Valentine's day 

We're doing the DASH You can come too

We are doing it again! The dirty Dash

You can join in, just let us know. Come one come all.

Here is our post from last year:

Here are some tips for doing the dash and yes we are doing it two more times this year! 

 The only part of your body that stays clean is your mouth, you hope!

 Doing the dash makes you closer as a couple

 Dawson doesn't like to get his hands dirty!

 Consider wearing sunglasses from the dollar store to protect your eyes and of course use Chums!( as demonstrated in the next picture of Dan, below).

 You will loose  your shoes so don't wear ones that you intend to keep!

 in fact, at the end of the race, donate them!

 After donating your shoes, you walk back to the parking lot in your socks!

Stay tethered to your child, the whole time, THE WHOLE TIME!

There are thousands of people and many children were waiting at the customer service desk to be picked up by their parents, because they had been lost. Keep your children close, we used THE LEASH and it was worth it!!

 Lucky you! You get a FREE shower after the race. It comes from the melting mountain snow, but its free! OR  bring 5 bucks and before the race pay for a heated shower and avoid the lines, and the arctic freezing temperatures! And really the shower does NOTHING to get you CLEAN!!

 Put putty plugs in your child's ear, you don't want anything going in there if they have ear tubes!!

If anything, make this a family event!!!

 I did not get as dirty because I worked the camera!

Your children will thank you for this experience after they have recovered from their arctic shower!

After the race, Head over to The Dairy Keen

 Don't worry about washing your face before you eat!

 Asses the damage, but don't worry about it, it will all wash off in the end!

 No matter how many times you wash your hands, it stays on, embrace it, for once...

Everyone attending the Dash, even if you are watching from the bleachers, you will get dirty regardless of any precaution that you may take, so be prepared to enjoy mother earth and all of her mud an glory and next time, don't watch from the bleachers!

And next time, Don't roll down the hill to make your friends laugh, sometimes you can not calculate the slope you are on the the speed that is inevitable that you will pick up as you continue to roll down the mountainside!

 Although Dan's injuries do not look very deep, they are filled with mud and took a month to heal!

Wear your lucky socks while doing the dash!

And when it is all said and done, do it again!

He's had an awesome day! 

Courage

From President Monson:

"Face Challenges with Courage

C is for courage. Courage becomes a worthwhile and meaningful virtue when it is regarded not so much as a willingness to die manfully but as a determination to live decently.

Said the American essayist and poet Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide on, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”⁵

There will be times when you will be frightened and discouraged. You may feel that you are defeated. The odds of obtaining victory may appear overwhelming. At times you may feel like David trying to fight Goliath. But remember—David did win!

Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one’s coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve."

The rest of this article can be found here: Click Me

My Amazing Wife

So what do you do when you forget to bring your lunch to work, and need to take a few minutes break? You sneak into your family blog and talk about how amazing your wife is, hoping that she will read it later on, along with our followers and maybe even a few complete strangers.

Seriously, I wanted to take a few minutes to explain why I am the luckiest man in the world to be married to Emily. She is an amazing wife, mother, cook, dance partner, animal lover, and friend. We have been through a lot of highs and lows over the past month and she has been such a strong foundation for our family as we went through a lot of change, some expected and some unexpected.

I love you sweetheart. Thank you for being you and for being by my side at all times.

- Dan

I think I have diarrhea

In our new house we got a new fridge and it has a lot bigger freezer than our rental woo whoo! I was at the store and thought that I would pick up a box of Pedialite Popsicles now that we have room, just in case Dawson needs them one night and it is late and he has a tummy ache.

I failed to bury them deep into the freezer so that Dawson would not want to eat them. Too late, he saw them and we have been discussing that they are for diarrhea or when he has the throw ups. Now he has me checking his poop to see if per chance he has indeed created something messy and has been telling me he definitely has the throw ups on their way!

Today after church Dawson come up to us in hopes that what he created passed the test so that he can have a Popsicle. Trying not to laugh Dan, trying to be as serious as possible checks everything out and suggests we give the kid a Popsicle. Reminds me of the time Dawson figured out what our computer password is. Oh wait that was also today. He is oh so proud of his computer mastery and now just as he sates he can, "go to the movie store when ever he wants" meaning Netflix. Don't worry we have it on G rated movies only but now we have to come up with a new computer password and put a door on Dan's office. This kid is so stink'n smart! He prides himself at being smarter than us.

I won't turn into a woman

This morning Dan and I were taking some vitamins and Dawson felt really left out that he didn't get one. He started whining and said, "mommy pwease, pwease mommy let me take one, I won't turn into a woman."

 

Read Me

"If there's something special you want to do, now is the time... if you
want to make a difference in the world, now is the time. Don't be fooled
into thinking you should wait until you are older or wiser or more 'secure'
- because it doesn't work that way. The wisdom will come. The security will
come. But first you must begin your adventure". Ron Atchison

A little romantic

Today Dawson and I played with dinosaurs. We had the dinosaurs battle each other. Once most of the dinosaurs died a horrible death by being eaten, there were two T- Rex dinosaurs left. I was ready for the next battle and all of the sudden Dawson, said... Hi whats your name, so I answered, speaking for my dinosaur. All of the sudden his dinosaur starts kissing my dinosaur on the lips. He said that my dinosaur was pregnant with an elephant and that the two T-Rex dinosaurs were going to have a baby!

WOW!