Rehab brings new worries.

The codependent in me is struggling I guess. I would like to believe it's just the mom in me but I know it's not.
We picked Aaron up last Monday at the jail. It felt so good to be able to hug him. I had biscuits and gravy from his favorite diner waiting for him. He got a tattoo while in jail. I wish he hadn't. He had told me on our last visit that he was thinking about getting one. I tried to talk him out of it, asked him to please him not do it here. I have nothing against tattoos, Aaron knows this, I have several myself. I just didn't want him to get it in jail. I told him I would take him somewhere and even pay for it if he just wouldn't get it while in jail. Of course I was pretty sure it was already to late. It was, he was just preparing me. The look on his face was priceless when his brother asked to see his new tattoo. He looked at me with an "oh shit" look. His brother told him I was already pretty sure he had gotten it when he told me he was thinking about it.
When we dropped Aaron off at the mission, it was so wonderful. The feeling that my son is getting the help he truly needs. He even called me on Tuesday to let me know that the place isn't to bad. He slept really well, had a  normal twin bed, although that would be changing to bunks with mats similar to what the jail has. He also let me know that he gets to come home for thanksgiving. He didn't know any details of the time frame. I told him to call me and let me know as soon as he found out so I knew how to plan cooking. This is where the worry has now crept back into my life. It's probably just crazy thinking really. Aaron has not called back yet. Something Aaron said sticks in my mind. A worry he has about going back to jail over somebodies mistake in paperwork or something. Since he hasn't called my brain has decided to think about different scenarios. What if he is back in jail, his worry became reality. Then I start thinking about the fact that he could just walk off from that place at anytime. I know this is crazy. I know I shouldn't worry like this.
Repeat after me.... It's time to let go... it will be OK!!

Our new journey begins Monday

I received a phone call today from a woman with drug court. On Monday November 15th Aaron will "officially" begin his trip down recovery road. I am to pick him up at the jail at 8:30am and he has to be at the rehab center by 10:00am. Plenty of time.
According to their requirements, he is required to have an AA book or $7 to buy one. He is also required to have $25 for spending money. I guess I should have asked her what would happen if I choose not to give him these things.
I am so excited right now. I've had to hold back the tears. I just want to bawl like a baby. Happy tears of course.

WTF!!

I'm so pissed because I'm so tired. I was sleeping so good last night when my cell phone rang. The caller on the other end was completely unaware of calling me. I listened, according to my phone, for 4 minutes to the conversation on the other end. It wasn't long into their conversation that I knew who it was. It was one of Aaron's dealers. I can't remember if I have said anything about "Bluesman" in a previous post or not, so long story short, he had been a customer of mine for years, at one point he even worked for me. At some point, after he was fired and before I knew Aaron was an addict, he sold Aaron drugs. Going by phone records I'm pretty sure he had sold Aaron some of the drugs he took the night he almost died. He also had sold drugs to my older son, who thankfully, as bad as that sounds, was only using recreationally and not addicted. When I realized who it was I hollered into the phone trying to get his attention. He didn't hear me. I have had a few conversations with bluesman. Usually when I seen his number in the phone records. I asked him how he could show me so much disrespect. I employed him when he needed extra money for his kids (supposedly). How could he disrespect me in that way? Sell my kids drugs? How dare you? I told him that everything I knew I was sharing with the police. It all fell on deaf ears. In a conversation with Aaron after talking to blues, Aaron stated he was just seeing how he was doing. Blues was worried about him. I couldn't convince Aaron he was only concerned with getting  money from him. There was no genuine concern. That too fell on deaf ears.
I am assuming my number is in blues address book on his phone. That seems to be the only way he could have accidentally called my phone. After hanging up I called his phone back. He wouldn't answer. I'm also assuming I'm listed as Aaron's mom so he knows not to answer it. Of course sleep was nowhere to be found afterwards. My mind started replaying a lot of things. I really wish it hadn't. Today I really want to call blues again, but I won't, I promise.

They can't seem to leave it alone.

I went to visitation Sunday with Aaron. He seems to be getting more depressed as time goes on. It seems things keep changing with drug court. They have now decided since he owes restitution, he will not go to rehab for the ordered 12 to 16 months. He will instead go to a 3 month rehab because he will get a job sooner and be able to pay the restitution sooner. The problem being.... the waiting list for this place is so long that Aaron can't be added to it at this time. It may be a couple of months before they can add him. I totally agree with Aaron paying restitution, but, where is the consideration that with long term treatment he has a better chance of staying clean versus short term treatment. It really pisses me off. He needs longer. He didn't just now become addicted. He has been addicted for probably close to two years now. To me it doesn't seem that 3 months can even come close to touching what Aaron (or any other addict) needs as far as "learning" to stay clean. Maybe I'm wrong. I sure hope I am, but my gut says I'm not. 

Aaron also informed me the court has lost his paperwork. He had to re-sign his guilty plea. He has his mind set he will end up back in jail after all is said and done because of a court screw up. I really hated to tell him there is always that possibility.

In my last post I mentioned packing a bag for Aaron and keeping it in my trunk. I guess it wasn't clear in that post, but when the bed becomes available they will not take Aaron to rehab. He will be let out of jail and given a certain amount of time to get to rehab. His first chance at failure is right up front. Of course when this happens he will call me and right or wrong I will be there.