Pure embarrassment

Is his excuse for not admitting to me he tested positive. It was given to him, he didn't buy it, didn't spend one single dime of the money I had given him, he says. He didn't get anything from it, nothing but 20 days in jail, he says. He could have gotten 3 days but he couldn't admit to the judge that he had used because of pure embarrassment, he says.
I went to seem him yesterday. I probably shouldn't have, I know. I went to set some boundaries. We have many more to set. We will continue to discuss boundaries when he gets out. Our phone conversation was brought up. We both agree that is was the worst conversation we have ever had. I have always tried to be calm when discussing things with my kids although some discussions may have gotten loud, they weren't like this.
I tried to stress to him that he didn't need to be embarrassed (although I understand) he just needed to get up when he fell down and move forward. Learn to say "mom I fucked up" because mom can handle that a hell of a lot better than a lie. A lie puts trust many steps back and the steps forward harder to come by.
So here we are again, hoping he has seen the light this time.

Not a good call

He called last night around 10. This of course pissed me off, he knows I don't stay up that late. So it wasn't good since I was already pissed because he lied to me. The whole conversation was bad. Both of us yelling. He still swears they told him it was diluted not positive, and there is no way it could have been positive, whatever.
So today has been pretty shitty. I wrote Aaron a letter and basically told him we love him and we aren't giving up on or abandoning him. He just has to stay clean for us to be there for him. Also with the letter I included an index card with an inspirational/motivational quote on it. I have written several and plan to send him one every couple of days. I hope something sinks into head. I can't remember if I put it in the last post or not but Aaron is in for 24 days not 20.

The lies continue

I called drug court. Yeah I know "mind your own business" but I needed to know if he was lying or not. I feel like I should have a right to know if I'm being lied to. Aaron tested positive. I feel so depressed, pissed, let down, and disappointed. I hope Aarons "friends" realize they are helping him kill himself or if they even care.

Here we go!

Aaron is in jail. He called me while in the holding cell. He was taken straight from drug court. Now of course all I know right now is what he has told me which.... "these people are so fucked up, I have to do 14 days because they said my urine was diluted. They didn't say anything about it when I took the test. They asked me why and I told them I don't know, I work 3rd shift and drink a lot of water. I was 20 minutes late to court so they gave me 2 days for that, so now i have to do 20 days".
So the math doesn't add up 14 days for diluted urine plus 2 days for being 20 mintues late does not make 20 days. I didn't say much when he called. I really don't believe him either.

Still moving forward

Aaron has started working and loves the job. His posting on facebook was "Gibbs is cake! Gibbs does die casting and Aaron is cleaning presses. I had the pleasure of doing his work laundry yesterday and the grease is awful. It's a good thing we are going to a laundromat at the moment, I told Aaron his work clothes were not allowed in my washer after seeing them. He truly seems to like the job and will be getting plenty of overtime also. Aaron is working 3rd shift, which I think suits him very well. Back in the days even before using he was always up late and slept most of the day, getting him up for school was always hell. Maybe he was meant for 3rd shift work. Working 3rds also allows him to keep all of his appointments with drug court, his one on one meetings, group meetings, AA or NA, and make his required morning drops. He told me yesterday he slept until 4 and had to be at one on one shortly after waking up. The counsler thought Aarons pupils were dilated and made him test. HE PASSED!! I'm really trying to loosen up the feelings of waiting for relapse, but feel like I can't let my guard down yet. It's still very early in the game of Aaron versus the "friends". Still I have come a long way, but more importantly Aaron has traveled even farther.

Try the other side?

I need to start looking at the positive side instead of the negative. Aaron seems to be doing very well. He has had two job offers and starts work tonight. To my knowledge he is keeping his appointments and going to the required meetings. I say to my knowledge based on the fact that he isn't in jail. Unfortunately I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. He is obviously passing his drug test, but all I can seem to focus on is how many panels does this test cover? Not all test are created equal. No I don't know if Aaron is using, I never really had a clue. If Aaron hasn't used, he is now 9 months clean!  I'm trying to trust that he isn't. I can't even say I have a gut instinct or mothers intuition.
I did however go against my better judgement and didn't change the entry codes to the house. I decided that it didn't matter if I changed them because if he wanted something bad enough he was going to get it anyway. Nothing is missing. I wish I could gain at least a little trust in Aaron. Hopefully in time.

Another thing that is bothering me is the "apology". I have read on some blogs about the apology when the child becomes clean. How they are sorry for what they have done, stole, pawned, etc. These seem to be heartfelt apologies. Aaron wrote a letter to a woman he stole from, apologizing and asking for forgiveness. He also went to a former employer that he owes money to and apologized to him for not paying him the money that he owed and told him he would make it right as soon as he could. Where is my apology? I have yet to hear an apology from Aaron. Should this bother me or should I just let it go? I would like to let it go, it's just not easy to do. Do I think he is sorry? Yes I do, but it sure wouldn't hurt to hear it.

I'm going to pick Aaron up in a little while. Do to all of this rain we are having and living in the country our washer can't be used right now so I asked Aaron if he would go with me to do laundry. Maybe a little one on one time will do us both some good. Of course I'm still going on the idea of if you don't want to be lied to then don't ask.

Oh, and have I mentioned that Aaron doesn't believe he "needs" 12 step? He is going to meetings because he has to.