Merry Christmas!!

Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas from all of mine, including Maizy!!

Enter Maizy stage right part 2

Act 5976, scene 30120. Enter Maizy stage right.

Set: Inside pole barn, cat perched on table, inmates standing around talking, 6 dogs present.

Maizy leaps onto the table, head butts the cat off of the table into pack of patiently waiting dogs. Inmate #4 swiftly grabs cat saving cat from an untimely demise. Inmate #1 (Aaron) retreats with Maizy to her kennel. (end scene).

Yes, the above did happen!!

It has come to my attention that I didn't finish my last post. Don't know what happened there other than to say I must have gotten side tracked. 

Maizy, she is such a cute dog, I haven't met her yet. Her story is sad. She has been a throw away dog. She has been adopted several times and brought back to the rescue each time. She is a problem child. She does things she shouldn't, knows she shouldn't do them but does them anyway. Has a passion for food or as Aaron calls it, an obsession. Can dogs be addicts? The rescue here in town got Maizy from another rescue who also couldn't find her a permanent home.

After seeing Aaron's interview, I got my happy ass down to the jail for an 8 PM Friday night visit. Aaron walks through the door grinning asking if I seen the news. All I could say was "you confuse me". He went on to explain the circumstances behind his comment. Maizy is a rambunctious girl, she wanted to play with one of the other dogs but, said dog, didn't take to it very well and bit her. She ended up with stitches on both sides of her neck. Maizy was left with two options. Option one, she would stay at the rescue until somebody possibly adopted her because they could no longer offer her at the adopt-a-thon, or, she would go through the 10 week jail program again. This upset Aaron and knowing we had already offered to adopt her if he wanted her he told them his family would take her. Saturday morning I adopted Maizy and will get to pick her up when her stitches come out. 

The captain at the jail in charge of the dog training program was at the rescue while I was there. He explained what really has happened with the inmates and the dogs in this program. He said the first couple of weeks the inmates were frustrated with the dogs because they didn't seem to be learning anything. As the weeks progressed the dogs and the inmates finally came together and the dogs started obeying commands. As the  inmates seen the changes in the dogs the captain seen changes in the inmates. Bonds started forming. Not one inmate would admit they were bonding with these animals, but it was clear. Of six dogs trained, four were adopted by inmates families. 

I am both looking forward to her coming home and kind of not looking forward to it at the same time. Maizy likes to run, if she manages to get loose she will not stop running until she gets tired. I'm to old for that!! OK, who am I kidding, I'm not in shape to chase a dog. Maizy will have to be crate trained in an effort to keep her out of trouble. No, she won't be in a crate 24/7 but won't be able to have free run of the house when we are gone or sleeping. Of course for this to work with an energetic dog, she will have to be exercised regularly. I'm looking at this as a way for me to get my daily exercise in also. This may be a good thing as , well, bluntly put, I'm fucking lazy!! However, I can't wait to love on this, I am told, sweet, lovable girl.

When I was at the rescue filling out paperwork a woman working there told me I better take care of her girl, said I had no idea about all of this and started crying. Little did she know I know exactly what she felt. I have hand raised and re homed many animals over the years. Most recently two orphaned kittens, two weeks old that I had to set an alarm every two hours to bottle feed. Not to mention that four days previous to this I had to bury one of my cats who died very suddenly and unexpectedly. So anyway, under no circumstances, can Maizy not live at our house. It will be a big adjustment for all of us, probably more so for us than her. We are going to have to change our habits to accommodate Maizy in order for her to be the best dog she can be. I think Aaron sees a little bit of himself in Maizy ( I know I do) so failure is not an option.

How can you not love that face!!!

Enter Maizy stage right

We are adding a new act to the play called "Our Lives"

Act 1445, scene 327. Enter Maizy, stage right,
     Leaping in the air at the ball the dad is holding, Maizy gets sidetracked by the roasted chicken adorning the table in the kitchen just minutes away from the family sitting down to eat their supper. Maizy springs onto the table, grabs the chicken and darts under the table. Chaos ensues! (end scene).


OK, so a playwright I am not. No the above scene has not happened at my house, yet!

More on Maizy   There is a picture of Aaron and Maizy in this article but they have misnamed Aaron.

I have mentioned the program at the county jail with inmates training dogs. Aaron has been training Maizy for the past 10 weeks. Early on during one of our visits I had asked Aaron if he would be interested in owning Maizy when she came up for adoption. He replied no and stated several reasons. Again this past visit on Sunday I asked. He again said no and stated several reasons why. I said that is fine I just wanted to make sure because I didn't know what kind of bond they may have made and if he wanted her we would see what we could do. We left it at that AND THEN, Aaron is interviewed by the local news station about the program and the adopt-a-thon that takes place today.

Watch for yourself and you will see why I am confused by this man (boy)!

Inmates help rescue dogs find homes

A toast for all!!

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, 
The foresight to know where you are going, 
And the insight to know when you have gone too far.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

The review

I remember in my mid to late twenties, working as a cashier in a grocery store. I had so many wonderful conversations with customers. I couldn't even begin to remember how many conversations I have had that were geared around how fast time goes by. Countless people would say... "if you think time is going fast now just wait until you hit 30"! I learned after 30 that they weren't kidding!! Of course once your in your 30 the saying becomes... If you think time is going fast now just wait until you hit 40! Once again not to long after turning 40 I discovered that they really knew what they were talking about. Forty to forty-five has been a blur, which in some moments has been a good thing. What I have also found is if your waiting for a parole review to take place at some point in a particular month... time, becomes very slooow!!! I was beginning to wonder if the day would ever get here. Well today was the day. I missed Aaron's first call. I hate when I can't hear my phone!! The wait becomes even longer wondering how long he will wait before he calls back. Do you have any idea how long twenty minutes can seem even though it's not any longer than any other 20 minutes of any other day. HA HA how do you like how long I have drawn this out? Does it seem like "forever"? OK back to being serious. The verdict is parole upon completion of a substance abuse program. This mean he will not be home in December. At some point in December he will be visited by somebody on the board and they will let him know where he will go. Now here's the kicker. If they tell Aaron he will go for 3 months he'll go and will be out in March. If they tell him he will go for 6 months he will refuse the program, lose any "good time" he has accrued and be out in March. No, that is not a typo It's March either way. As I see it right now there is a serious flaw in this program. Aaron applied for the SAP program last October. He has never been called up for it and now with only 5 months left they want him in a program that has the potential to be a year long program. I personally do not see any inmate no matter how serious they are about maintaining their sobriety staying in a jail setting any longer than they have to. So March it is. It's very confusing to feel disappointment and relief at the same time, disappointment because he won't be home for Christmas again this year but relief because it's five more months free from the stresses that accompany being a POA. Let the countdown begin. I bet it flies by!!

Still waiting for a decision

Aaron's parole hearing is this month. No word yet. I am starting to get excited about the possibility of Aaron coming home, and hoping that we don't end up disappointed instead.

Possibly not much longer?

In about a month Aaron will find out if he makes parole. If he makes parole he will be home in December. If parole is denied he will be eligible for release with the HIP program in February. Now here is where it gets tricky and confusing, if he is told he will be paroled upon completion of the SAP program then the game changes. As I understand it right now.... Aaron plans to refuse the SAP program at this point as it will keep him in jail longer than what his actual time left to serve and also means he will not be out in Feb on the HIP program. Although I really would like for him to complete the SAP program I can understand why he would refuse it now. Considering he applied for the SAP program a year ago and still has not made it into the program. He has completed several other drug programs while he has been in jail. He has forwarded all of his certificates of completion to the parole board to make sure they are aware that he has taken every other opportunity that has been offered. He is currently in the STEEP ( I think that is what he said) program. Right now he is learning CPR. There are also job opportunities at the end of this program. Of course we all know the real test will be how well Aaron can handle sobriety once out in the real world again. I'm trying to have faith that he will be able to do this. Hopefully the faith will build from the right actions from Aaron. Right now I don't have much faith that it will happen. No sense in getting my hopes up? 

Our new hobby

So I got a wild hair up my arse and decided I would like to go canoeing and camping. We have always camped. We still camp with a tent but ( in my opinion) we take to many comforts from home with us. It should not take two vehicles plus the boat to get all of the supplies for a two night stay to our destination. I want to take minimal supplies so canoeing to our destination has made that possible. 

The beginning of our trip.

We managed to turn it over. one of the coolers came open and we had to chase water bottles down the river. I told him shouldn't bring that lantern!

Our island retreat

I can't wait to go again!! We had a blast!! I will have to admit that the next time we go we will have a slighter larger tent, an air mattress and a battery operated pump for the mattress. We tried without the air mattress and learned that it is not a comfort from home we will give up again.

An update of sorts

Still visiting Aaron every week, our visits are good for the most part and I still enjoying seeing him weekly. He is now convinced he will be out of jail by Christmas because he was told by somebody that he should get some time served for completing rehab, blah, blah, blah. I'm not holding my breath on this because I personally don't consider his participation for 3 months at a homeless shelter as rehab. He has written the judge asking to be giving this time off of his sentence. Whatever!! 

I'm going to have to go back and check my posts to see when I mentioned Aaron starting a new substance abuse program in jail. This program is a 12 step program. Sunday Aaron said they have completed the steps and he should be getting a certificate of completion soon. I'm wondering exactly what is involved in completion of the 12 steps. I didn't know they could be completed so quickly, or so it seems to me it was quick, I really need to check for that post. Is there a difference between completing and actually "working" the 12 steps? If he's been "working" the 12 steps then where the hell is my apology??? I think I really need to learn to let that one go but it's hard when you feel you genuinely deserve one.

And now for the brother update

He is out of jail. I don't know all of the details except for....drum roll please!!.... the "girlfriend" he is charged with assaulting bailed him out!!! She's an RN, works hard for her money and yet was stupid enough to put $2500 up to get him out. I'm taking bets on her thinking she can be the one to change him!! PUHLEASE!!!!! 

And life in general

Going back and reading this post I see I sound pretty pissed off. I'm not really, just very tired. The last few weeks have been hell. It started with finding one of my sugar gliders ill. During his recovery one of my cats managed to get a hold of his tail through the cage. He is now missing almost 2 inches on his tail. He is recovering very nicely but it has been discovered that he is blind. This blindness probably caused the illness to begin with because he couldn't find his food. It is also the reason he wasn't alert to the cat being by the cage. Poor little guy!! During his recovery and while he adapts I am getting up several times a night (they are nocturnal animals) to make sure he eats and then to make sure he gets his "naps" in also. My kids as newborns weren't this much work!!

On June 17th a body was pulled from the river. Several days later the body was identified and it was my cousin. My cousin had been homeless for many years. This was by choice. To my knowledge, he is not and addict or an alcoholic but did have some kind of mental illness. He had several family members he could have stayed with but he just didn't want to. He liked being alone. He had just gotten out of the county jail on June 9th. He did 2 years for burglary but ask anybody that knew him and they would tell you the same thing, winter was coming, he's getting older (54), no excuses but it is the most likely reason, he wouldn't burden family. On June 13th, he had been at the home of his foster sister (his mother raised her). He had dinner at her house and played chess with one of her kids. She has numerous children in her house, some biological, some adopted through foster care and some are foster kids. She has always taken in high risk children. On June 29th, two 16 year olds, an 18 year old, and a 19 year old were arrested for his murder. The four kids that were arrested are her kids. One biological, 2 adopted and one was placed in her home about a month prior to this night. They called my cousin, Uncle. It makes no sense. They stole his atm card and bought $30 worth of snacks and drinks at a gas station. One of the 16 year olds has now been let go but may still be charged at a later date. The cops were told by the mother that one of the kids had placed his hands around her neck and looked at one of the other kids and asked if they ever wondered what it would be like to choke a person until they took their last breath. My cousin was beaten and then choked to death. He was then tied up and put into the river. He didn't defend himself other than to put his hands up to his face while he was being beaten. He would't hurt a fly, he was a very gentle man. We used to talk on the phone on a regular basis until the mental illness took over and he took to the streets. We hadn't talked in over 20 years but he always kept in contact with his mother and brothers. What a tragic world we live in.

I didn't "hear" him

The brother that is. It was years ago, I guess my lack of understanding anything addiction related at that time may be the cause. Or maybe I came up with my own theory about what he meant. It's both actually. Many years ago during a phone conversation, brother was in jail once again and I was the only one still accepting his calls, he told me he broke a window at the jail with his head. Hopefully you don't know this but all of the windows at a jail are not your ordinary window glass. You or I would probably end up in the hospital with a brain injury before the glass broke. I asked why he would do something like that. His reply.... I was trying to get these voices in my head to stop. You hear voices was all I could ask at that point. His reply was something like, yeah, the ones that make me do this stuff. I don't remember where the conversation went from there. I don't remember it continuing on about voices. I have never forgotten that part of the conversation. I always chalked it up to his "inner self". You know the good versus bad in all of us. Our conscious! I let it go. I brought this conversation up when talking to other brothers girlfriend. I was informed that he was most certainly hearing voices. He was diagnosed schizophrenic while in jail. I was so shocked that I didn't even ask how long it had been since he was diagnosed. She told me he had called her after he was put on meds and told her he had never felt so good. At that moment I started feeling like I had let him down. Looking back I truly believe he was asking me for help by telling me. I blew it off. This will definitely change how I will question anything that I am told now. I will question more. I will make sure I am understanding what is being told to me. I am still learning.

Now let me introduce my nephew. He is the son of my youngest brother, I'll refer to him as D. My best description of D is a kid that never stood a chance. I have said that phrase many times now. My best explanation for that phrase comes from this.... I know Aaron's addiction and trouble is not my fault. It didn't come from bad parenting or letting him have to much freedom or not enough freedom. Growing up Aaron had the chance to do good things with his life. With D everything has been stacked against him. Parental, environmental, you name it. I know not all kids in his type of situation do bad things or become addicts but I believe the majority of kids in these types of situations will continue in the path they know. D has been in trouble several times, from burglary to calling in a bomb threat to his school. He was underage so it was all handled in juvenile court. He has been in boot camp several times. He was doing wonderful and had a great outlook while there. He now faces charges of criminal trespass, theft by unlawful taking (anhydrous), and possession of anhydrous with intent to manufacture meth. The last two being felonies. D just turned 18 in April. He is now sitting in jail. There will be no boot camp this time. He is an adult. Now, why to I believe he never had a chance? My baby brother was only 14 when D was born. D lived with his mother and her parents for awhile. Mom pretty much didn't want him. Brother eventually got custody, I think D was around 4 or 5. They lived with brothers mother at that time. As brother got a little older (more mature?) he began working construction. Those jobs would take him around the country, getting paid cash. Brother left D with his grandmother. Brother will even tell you that that was not a good decision, as grandmother let him do as he pleased. Brother also had an on again off again relationship with S. They have been together this way for probably 15 years now, but even when things were good between them, D remained with his grandmother most of the time. Brother and S have 2 kids together, they are 5 and 6. So a couple of months ago I see D and we were talking. We were talking about him having been in some trouble and being on probation. He told me about his PO doing a home visit and while they are sitting in the kitchen talking PO makes a comment about smelling pot. D says yeah, that's probably my grandmother. She seriously couldn't control herself even while a probation officer was in her house. The thing that gets me the most.... PO did nothing about it. D was underage, how can this PO not do anything? I could go on and on about D's upbringing but I think you get the gist of it. Oh and did I mention brother is an alcoholic and also loves his pot?

Aaron continues to do well. Still working in the jail garden. HE has now spent 2 birthdays in jail. As long as he stays out of trouble he should be home for his 23rd. I told him that I would kick his ass if he spent another birthday there. His reply was you can bet I'll be home!!!

The brother.... again!!

Four months and three days! That is how long he managed to stay out of jail this time around. I thought he was doing pretty good. He was living with a woman around his age, versus a pretty young immature girl like usual. Although I hadn't gotten to spend a lot of time with her she seemed to have your head on straight. She is an RN at a mental hospital. I  know she drinks but couldn't tell you how much. He was out of the town where all of the "bad" friends are. Last Saturday they had gone to the younger brothers house to celebrate a birthday. Both of their girlfriends are really good friends. I don't know all of the details. But his charges are.... Fleeing/evading 1st degree, assault 4th degree, burglary 2nd degree, disorderly conduct 1st degree, resisting arrest, and terroristic threatening 3rd degree. They brought in dogs to find him. His mug shot clearly shows he hasn't giving up the drugs. He looks evil. Some of these charges are felonies. I won't be surprised if they hit him with persistent felony offender status. Kentucky has the 3 strike rule but they seem to pick and choose when it is used. He had 3 strikes a long time ago. At 40 I was really hoping he was ready to change his life. Maybe next time!

1 year done.

As of last Saturday, Aaron has been in jail for 1 year. It doesn't seem like it's been a year already, how time is flying by. Aaron said it didn't seem like it had been a year either. He still has at least 8 months to go and that is only if he makes parole, if denied he still has another year.
For the last few weeks Aaron has been telling us about 2 dogs that were being adopted by the jail from an animal rescue here in town. They finally arrived last week and Aaron seems to be enjoying handling one of them.
Aaron is the primary caretaker for Wilson. There is an article in the local paper with a picture of a few inmates with the dogs. Aaron is in this picture. He looks happy!! I'll link the story online if anybody is interested. I wish they had put the picture online also because the quality of the picture in print isn't very good.

Aaron is no longer determined to have himself moved to another jail. There seems to be quite a few positive changes in him over the last month. He is talking about how much he is learning in the work shop. They have been working on several brands of mowers and tractors. They have also planted the garden that will feed the inmates for many months. He was pissed off when he first found out he wouldn't be going back to the mowing crew but has changed his tune now.

http://www.courierpress.com/news/2012/apr/14/no-headline---gl_jail_dogs/
Can anybody tell me why I can never get the text for the link to work? Shouldn't it display the text I want versus the URL I put in? I know I have seen it work the right way on many pages.

Wilson

I was able to take this picture of Wilson on Sunday. He looks like he is taking his guarding job very seriously.


Our annual trip to Vegas is coming up. We leave Sunday and will come back the next Sunday. I am ready to get away. This year I will even call it a vacation instead of a business trip since the "business" part of this trip is only 2 days out of  8.

I should have eaten them!!

Once again the phrase " I can see why some wild animals eat their young". My boys make me think of that phrase quite often. I understand (to the best of my knowledge at this very moment) Aaron's problem. What I don't understand is how my oldest son (almost 27) doesn't have very many responsible bones in his body. Over a year ago he was involved in a car wreck. Nobody was hurt but it was his fault. He was issued a traffic ticket for failure to yield. The ticket was not payable for whatever reason so he had to go to court. He did make his court date and was giving his fine plus court cost. When the judge issues your fines he gives you so much time to pay them, usually 3 to 6 months, if they are not paid by that date he sets you must appear in court on that date to show cause as to why it wasn't paid and an extension is usually granted. He failed to pay the ticket plus failed to show up for the show cause hearing. A warrant was issued. He was very aware of this so he made attempts to take care of it by giving me money to hold for him so he could turn himself in and and bond right back out. The bond would have taken care of his fines and it would have been done. He called many times to see if the warrant had been issued but was told for months that there was no warrant. He eventually took back all of the money I was holding for him. Fast forward  to Saturday morning at 5am when he is arrested on a warrant for failure to appear. He spent four days in jail before somebody bailed him out. That someone wasn't  me. He had called me twice asking me to get him out. I flat out refused and told him he had many opportunities to take care of this problem and not spend more than a few hours in a holding cell. You made your choice. His reply to me during the second call was "I wish this had happened before you read your codependent books". UGH!!! Sorry son, that isn't going to work either.

I was informed on Sunday during our visit with Aaron that he has every intention of getting himself moved to another jail by April.

Why didn't I eat them????

A little renewed hope and a mothers struggle with suicide.

Aaron is still in jail. He still continues to work at/with the jail for $0.63 per day. Of the $0.63 per day he makes the county takes half and puts it towards the jail fees he incurred before becoming a state inmate. We continue to visit Aaron every Sunday.

The renewed hope part!
A new drug and alcohol program has started at the jail. I do not know yet what it consist of. Aaron enrolled in the program!!!!




The suicide.
I have debated long and hard about posting this but here goes.
In my post titled "I don't want to have this conversation again" I brought up Aaron's "friend" who had hung himself. A few weeks ago his mother shared her story in our local paper. My heart has absolutely broke for this woman. I won't go into the details of his suicide but I am going to supply the link to the article with the forewarning that it is very graphic about his death.
http://www.courierpress.com/news/2012/feb/04/family-offers-heart-wrenching-look-at-suicide/

My replies (VJ) (Barbara)

So I am not good at getting back to my blog and replying to comments. I can't blame it on a hectic, busy life. I actually have plenty of time to reply to comments but for some reason I balk at replying. I balk most of the time when it comes to leaving comments on other blogs. I have even gone as far as to type a comment to post on a blog only to delete it instead. I have no clue why I do this.

VJ, our conversations are very "normal", or should I say our "normal" for now. After hugs and getting drinks and snacks from the machines we settle in for our 45 minutes of family time. Our conversations are just like a family who might be sitting around the dinner table. One difference would be, we ask how was your week versus how was your day. What have you been up to is always Aaron's question. There are no subjects off limits. Although we have not gone in depth talking about his addiction it has been talked about from time to time. At this stage of the game it seems pointless to continue to rehash that conversation, but at anytime he wants to talk about it that is fine. My "plan" is to not worry about it right now but instead to wait until he has a release date then basically let him know what the rules will be and follow through with them. We have at the very least 10 more months before he will be released. As hard as it is to visit my child in jail I have decided this time that I will just enjoy being able to spend time with him while he is clean. You never know what tomorrow might bring, and honestly, I don't expect him to be clean for very long after he is released.

Barbara, I can completely understand the envious feeling. I have been there done that. Peaceful is right. In jail they are safe, they have a roof over their head, food in their bellies, and clothes on their backs and hopefully no drugs. Of course I say hopefully because Aaron was caught huffing paint in April. Now he wasn't in the main jail but was being kept in the community service center because he was only supposed to be there for a short time as punishment for a positive drug test from drug court. I would hope he learned his lesson since his 30 day stay has now been 10 months so far. He was kicked out of drug court during that 30 day stay and must serve his time.
I hope you didn't take offense to my question of the tattoos being part of codependency.  It definitely wasn't meant to offend anyone. I was already wondering this before I read about anybody else wanting to get a tattoo also. I love my tattoos!! I got my first one 20 years ago this one made number 7. If I had the money there is no telling how many I would have. Mine are all in places that are easy enough to cover up when needed, but also can be publicly shown lol.


Since I never (hardly ever) comment on blogs I want everybody to know that I think about everyone of you each and every day. I pray for you and send you hugs. I cry with you and laugh with you. So just remember I am here I'm just in the background.

An update of nothing

Life continues to be peaceful while Aaron is in jail. The husband and I are enjoying our time together since the other 2 kids have moved out. We are still visiting Aaron on Sundays which have been very pleasant visits. He has been upbeat most of the time. Occasionally whining because the road crew will not be going out until sometime in March. He loves working on the road crew! It's very fitting since he loved having his landscape business. He has always preferred to be outside. We are still looking at release no earlier than December. That suits me just fine. Aaron will have almost a year and a half clean time by then.

My younger brother, also an addict, just got out of jail at the beginning of January. He was part of the first inmates released due to the new early release program going on in the state of Kentucky. Unfortunately we are already taking bets on how long it will be before he goes back in. He has been in and out of jail and prison since he turned 18. He is now 41, the hope of change dwindled long ago. He was in jail this time for 2 years. Two years clean for him. Another brother told me about a conversation they had before he was released. The other brother told him who he was working for, (an addict in recovery and doing good), jailed brothers reply was "well tell him I'm getting out soon and if he needs anything I'll be the go to man". Not a chance in hell that he has changed in those 2 years. We are having a family get together next week in hopes that we will see him once this year.

A couple of weeks ago somebody had posted a picture of a new tattoo they got. When I first seen it I didn't have time to comment and when I went back to comment I couldn't find the post. I couldn't remember who it was either but wanted to comment that I thought it was great and actually had an appointment for a tattoo myself. I seen Barbara's blog today about a tattoo she is wanting to get also. So out of curiosity, does this fall into the codependent category? Not that it matters, my tattoos are part of who I am and there isn't anything anybody could have said to keep me from getting it.