(This is me at my most vulnerable, when I’m honest like this. This wasn’t easy to do, but I felt like I had to. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t bring it up to me, unless you feel like you know me particularly well and I’d be comfortable being honest with you in person. Thanks)

I think at the rate I’m going, I’m gonna fast run out of apologies. But what am I to do, when I mess up, all I can do is apologize and ask for forgiveness. Especially when I sincerely mean it.

Perhaps worse of all, in any past situation where I’ve ever hurt, maligned, or inconvenienced anyone, it was likely I did it intentionally. I am a horrible person, and should not pretend to be a better man than I really am, and if you had that impression of me, it’s only because I’m good at manipulating people. Well perhaps I shouldn’t give myself quite so much credit, but I find that I do infact have a knack for manipulating others.

I’m sorry.

I am fundamentally quite a horrible and ugly person, and recent events of late have made me rethink my way of life. While I’ve not been around for that long, I feel that this rethink has been a long  time coming and the necessity has become increasingly obvious.

I need to put a stop to some behaviors of mine.

While it shoulda been obvious that my actions could be deemed hurtful to others, they were not. I tend to find myself in this bubble of naivety and I get caught in the moment, and I become selective in who I care about in my life. And as I strengthen that bubble in my life, I only allow one person in, and she’s the only one that matters. The others become options and don’t matter to me.

It’s becoming clear that in trying to bring one person closer to me, I begin to alienate all the other amazing people that are around in my life. I am selfish and only think of myself and what I want.

The irony is that in trying to bring one person closer, I sometimes become crazily obsessed and end up becoming selfish as well, focusing only on what I want, and not listening to others. 

It is perhaps worse that I forget what I’d said before, and the promises I made. I forget that a friendship takes two hands to clap, and once in my bubble, I cease to clap. Melayu mudah lupa, and I’m quite melayu like that I suppose. It is inexcusable, and I will likely forget of the promises I’ve made, but at least it’s obvious now of the hurtful effect it can have on others, or more poignantly, to my relationship with others.

I’m sorry if I let you down that way, because I got caught up in the moment.

Generally, I am selective of who I allow in my life, and become extremely selfish. I’ve grown up as a lone man on an island, not expecting much from others, and as much as possible, not needing to rely on others. I tell myself that I’m alright being on this island alone, and I deflect approaches others make to try to make contact or to be involved in my life.

I’m sorry if you were among those deflected. I’m sure you meant well, but I could not see that sign of goodwill through my bubble. 

This post was not written with anyone one person in mind, I wrote it to all 700 “friends” and many others that have come and gone over the years. Because without you all, I would really be a lone man on one distant island far away. 

For those that have persevered and stuck around through my nonsense, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. And you may have a chocolate chip cookie too. If you feel like I deserve to be punished for my actions, you may rightfully do so, but I hope that you will see it in your heart to provide me with an ounce of forgiveness.

For the last time here, I’m sorry.