Month: July 2013

To the girl that appears in my dreams

I wrote this in 2011, but two years later, it still holds true.

I wish I could go back and undo the mistakes I’ve made in the past. We learn from these mistakes and move on.

Alas, c’est la vie.

When it starts, I can’t stop. The words come naturally, and just flow out.

Dear _____,

Allow me to begin by saying that I’m sorry. I’ve a number of things to apologise for, but mostly, it’d be for allowing myself to fall for you, and to allow those feelings to complicate our relationship. Perhaps even worse, in how I’d acted, was how I acted in complete disregard of the friendship we’d developed, and the potential ramifications my actions would bring upon it, as if it meant nothing to you or me.

This wasn’t the case.

I’ve met a number of women that possess a collection of notable and unique qualities, all of whom are charming in their own way. But you manage to differentiate yourself further, and the set of traits that god has bestowed upon you makes you, in my eyes, just about near perfect.

Perhaps it is your manner of compassion, and how that starkly contrasts against how little I have.

Perhaps it is your understated beauty, femininity and elegance.

Perhaps it is the type of perfume you wear, and how it leaves a lasting scent after you’ve long gone.

Perhaps it is the way my heart flutters upon hearing, or seeing your name.

Perhaps it is your wit, your intelligence, your willingness to debate and argue with me on trivial matters.

Perhaps it is just the sense of companionship I feel when I am with you.

Perhaps it is the comfort you provided me.

Regardless, it doesn’t matter now. Words have been exchanged, and the damage has been done. That’s what we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better – that it shouldn’t and doesn’t matter now.

I wished things could have turned out better, but alas, perhaps it was all just not meant to be.

Contrary to what you may believe, I’m not left feeling bitter about you. I have learned to soldier on in moments like this and to just soldier on.

I won’t let you or your words get to me, I won’t need consoling.

Goodbye.

2013 Halftime Reflection

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I wish I had a poster like this as I grew up, serving as a constant reminder of the need to remove myself from my comfort zone. My parents brought me up to be incredibly risk averse, something I brought with me to my (still somewhat early) adult years. I lived with this constant fear of change, fearing the worst if change came and instead basking in the comfort of the familiar.

If I had a theme for my 2013 halftime reflection, it would be that of escaping my comfort zone, something I hope to make great strides with for the rest of this year.

As I was stuck in traffic this morning, I began to make a mental list of all things I deem noteworthy this year. This is as follows:

1. Travelled to a foreign country alone.

Did singapore alone in January (singapore is still a foreign country, and up till last year a country I’d not been to), then twice again last month and most recently Australia. Travelling alone is awesome because it means you get to do whatever you want whenever you want and at your own pace.

2. Just travelling around generally, and doing lots of it.

I love travelling, being on a plane, going through immigration, getting a local simcard, visiting foreign supermarket stores. Love it all. This year thus far I did Cambodia, Singapore, Kota Kinabalu, and Australia. The most exciting thing to me is knowing I’ve lots more trips to come later this year. Love love love.

3. Reconnected with old friends.

You know who you are. You matter to me, and I care about our friendship. I have a warped way of how I manage my friendships, but generally friendships are a two way relationship which requires effort from both parties.

4. Romantic relationships. Still a WIP.

What can I say without sharing too much: Love gained and love lost. Again, and again. At the end of the day I tell myself god has a bigger plan for me and I live day by day. I also try to learn by writing down how I felt through the ups and downs for later reflection. It is painful but the pain serves as a reminder.

Something I always tell myself now is that other people will always disappoint you, so never maintain high expectations.

5. Career moves.

Well, one big career move. Early this year I went for my first job interview ever (as I was offered my old job to me without an interview after serving as an intern), and I got the job! This required me leaving my old somewhat comfortable job to try on something different all together. And different in every way; culture, industry, job role. In terms of personal development, this was definitely the biggest source of it.

6. General personal development.

Something that’s taken me a while to learn (which might be surprising to some) is learning to do things for myself and not place others ahead of me. Of course more often than not this other person would be a girl, but other times it could be anyone else. I’m beginning to realise that you don’t owe it to anyone but yourself when it comes to how happy you are. Be selfish and care less about others. Do what feels right to you.

Also on this note, the end of 2012 was when I began to hone my public speaking self confidence, by speaking to a group of 40 strangers at my old uni’s open day without stuttering. Last week, I got an email from my high school’s alumni office asking me to come talk to students. I’m really excited about this opportunity and can’t wait to do this later this year.

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The above 6 points are personal accomplishments I hold dearly to myself. While they may appear like no big deal to you, we all have our own challenges and I consider dealing with these as a big deal to me.

We’re all still a working in progress in many ways, taking life day by day. What keeps me going is knowing that I’m growing as a person, and that I’m still learning. I love surprises, and life definitely still springs them up on me.

To the awesome people (still) in my life, thank you.

-Iz

P.S. notable mentions: had duck for the first time (it was amazing), watched Two Door Cinema Club in Singapore (they were amazing), bought 1000 ringgit Bose headphones (they sound amazing), and survived two consecutive falls in the shower without breaking any bones (truly amazing).