I received disturbing news today. These otherwise innocuous sounding words that I received via whatsapp would have meant nothing to others, but the message validated some of the fears that had loomed over me. I feared that this day would come, and had not prepared for it.
An exaggeration this may sound like, but I feel as if someone took a sharp serrated knife and stuck it through my chest. My heart is still pounding away, though barely, with a stream of blood trickling out of my chest. I feel the pain of every bit of me bleeding out, hurting more and more as time passes by.
Pain; it comes from the wound in my chest, and spreads to every part of me. I feel it in my hands as I type this post. I feel it in my voice as I speak. I feel a constant pressure weighing down my head and thoughts, as I try to go about my day. My legs feel burdened and held down by a weight of bricks on them.
Pain; metaphorical it may be, but these feelings are indeed real. Tears begin to form in my eyes, as the feelings cause the floodgates to open. My heart is broken, my head spinning, my soul lost and confused.
My body’s only defense mechanism against such grief is to numb itself. I feel nothing, no euphoria, optimism, or joy. Conversely, I feel no depression, sadness, or misery. Have you ever felt numb? Unfortunately, it is an unnatural state of being, and part of your body will try to compensate.
It is then that I get thoughts of harming myself. I imagine confronting you and punching your face. I imagine jumping into a swimming pool and holding my breath under water. I imagine grabbing a rotan and hitting myself.
I tell myself that maybe then, I might feel something.
I try to focus on the good, and bask in better vibes instead. This rarely works for me, as good vibes never last, with the looming presence of sadness and misery always on the back of my mind.
Until then, I jump from one moment of solitude and joy to another. Until I learn to deal with these inner demons of mine, this will have to be how I live my life.
Izzywizzy 
