A Moment.

“When I look at the sky, something tells me that you are here with me and I can always find my way.”

The feeling of nostalgia knocks a person reeling sometimes and this was precisely what occurred to me the night of our Chinese New Year Eve dinner. As I had gazed over the steam curling above the hot pot centered on the round, rose-wood table, amidst the sounds of laughter of my friends who I was having dinner with, I felt a pang at realizing that this new year, I wouldn’t be able to greet my grandfather with Chinese New Year wishes. Looking back over the years, I considered the moment when I would be passed the phone from my father a nerve-wrecking one because due to my inapt abilities to speak Mandarin or Cantonese properly, I would struggle to respond appropriately and look quite close to what a duck would look out of water, I suspect. But those simple phrases, “Gong Hei Fat Choi, San Lin Fai Lok” have come to mean so much more to me without having realizing it. In a sense, they help to tie in some tradition to my already quite untraditional, modern world. Having had never returned to Malaysia for Chinese New Year since I was nine, my only link to the traditions that belay this much anticipated festival would be that early morning phone call back to my grandparents and somehow without it, something feels incomplete. To lament now will obviously not do anything but it is the thought that perhaps I didn’t treasure these moments as much as I should have that burns me a little. I still wonder what it would have been like if we were able to converse and communicate with each other. Would he be able to tell me stories of his life? Or to relay stories of my father’s childhood? Or maybe even just to understand a different perspective on life. It’s the overwhelming sense of loss that weighs me down today. I wish he,my grandmother and my other grandfather knew how much I missed them, wherever they are… Happy New Year Yeh Yeh, Ma Ma and Goong Goong - “Gong Hei Fat Choi, San Lin Fai Lok”.

Plastic-ine

T-H-I-N-K-I-N-G

Thoughts are funny things. One moment you could be thinking about a funny joke someone said the previous night and next you are treading on a world of highly emotional thoughts without so much as a blink of the eye. It is a miracle that I somehow keep sane with all that rushes in my mind but then again with such a masterpiece as the brain, I can only be humbled by what it has to deal with each day.

Have you ever felt that if people found out what you thought, you could be possibly be 'hung'? Not in the sense where someone would place your neck in a noose and leave you to die but in a modern sense of lynching, condemned by the utmost scorn and uppity expressions that are plastered over their blackened moral masks. I guess its a pity we don't have the courage to be able to word out the thoughts in our mind for the fear of realising a reality that shouldn't be happening. Its like when people still refuse to believe in global warming (or that Liverpool is the best EPL team) that you understand that denial in itself is one of the largest obstacles and as long as they believe in that denial, there will be no moment of realisation - no moment of truth. I would say I wouldn't want to be once of those people but I know in my way, that I do cringe at saying things loud. Its the fear of the realisation that maybe people aren't true or that what you thought made you whole was actually missing all this time. But in writing this, I hope to have broken some of that denial down because this is probably a step in the right direction. It will come when one day I will probably be able to accept the truth as it is but till then, I will have to keep chipping away, tossing out the broken pieces, rearranging the ones which will last until I find myself in a place where I can accept.

It may take half a year, several years or a lifetime but if we are striving for something better than perhaps... it is something worth doing? I don't know. I can't answer these questions but I can try.

A pocket full of posies.

its over... will I pass?

I'm feeling damn insecure... sigh~ This has never happened to me.. not even for the Stats paper or the Physics one. I used to always feel secure in my Bio subjects - now... its driving me crazy. I need to think about other things like Bangkok and Sydney and Zara and seeing friends back home and watching movies and seeing the world cup and ... yeah, the list goes on. Please, please take my mind off that particular thing.

a different Friday night??

This morning I woke up feeling like I shouldn't concentrate on the parts of my life which were a bit unsavoury and this blog is certainly becoming such a pit-hole of whiny thoughts that I even shudder when I read it T_T. So, I thought I would blog about something more fun and happening then what's been already written.

Yep, yep. So yesterday was Friday night. Or as Grace usually says "FRIDAY NIGHT" which means in our vocab ,dinner night but more fun? Lol. But yeah, so we had our dinner at Dessert House and oddly enough didn't order the deep fried calamari with fried rice but instead got the yong tau fu =) because I thought I was feeling a bit heaty so didn't want to risk it before the exam. I didn't realise how crowded the restaurant gets even on a Friday night which kind of puzzled me but then its cheap-ish and tasty food so I can't complain. There were really large tables as well with like10 people and it was obvious that they were squeezing us in like sardines when the top floor started looking more like canteen tables than an actual restaurant. But it was all good especially once I got started on my food and mmmilk tea~~ =) yum!

After dinner and the usual "can you get change for all of us and ask them to split up the change?" scenario, we headed back in the general direction of home but it was the kind of walk that could be classified as dawdling or erm.. ok, lets face it - it was the epitome of procrastination. SOME people wanted to "work" at some place - some kind of shop was it? T_T But the less alco-addicted of us wanted to head somewhere we could just sit and talk without having our heads in. =) So we decided on Koko Black and hoped to high heavens that we could get a seat there especially since (if I haven't emphasised enough already) it was a Friday night.

You would think that a walk there would really have nothing much to talk about. But it was seriously crazy.. One moment we were walking down Swanston and then suddenly two of us wanted to have a fight! All Black One was shouting "fight, fight, fight" while thinking about the popcorn he left at home whilst those hot-headed friends of mine tried to 1-2 each other. To say the least, it was an unsatisfying match - demand a re-match please!! =)

Oddly enough, we did find a seat at Koko and apparently it was a "happening" seat so some people were quite high about that although they were deciding on just getting baby chino or whatever it was. T_T~ You know, to think back about the night it was amazing we did talk about stuff in between all that fighting, black & white filming, licking spoons and science sugar experiments - but we did! And it was all about sepiloks, chicken shooing, backstreet boys, meteor garden, how hot Mike He is, sultans of Malaysia(?), who drives better and how unsatisfying JJ Lin's concert was. Random huh... Lol - but it happened. And we kind of had a mini generation music talk where some of us realised how old we really were. But you know at the end of it, it felt really good to have this kind of laid-back night just filled with talk, nonsense and laughter. I think its been a long time since we had this kind of thing because usually its all about drinking and clubbing and what not. Haha - to think this is the kind of night I have just because of exams? Anyways, next Friday will be entirely different I'm guessing what with camp just around the corner and an important Bra vs. Por match being played that night. Let's see what happens =)

You know... it isn't easy being who you are. And having to feel your "disadvantage" being played to its utmost strength hurts. I understand that its difficult to approach and the awkwardness tells me as much but really... if you really cared, you wouldn't treat me the way you do. I don't know, I guess it was either that I expected too much or didn't think about it too much when it started.




To think I was stupid enough to think it wouldn't affect me.