No words.

I've gone back and forth on if I should blog about what we went through this summer. Once I hit the "Publish Post" button, it's out there for all to see. I've never been a public person. I'm not an "emotions person". I don't really cry, almost to the point of being inappropriate sometimes. I don't cry, even when I should. I guess it's just how I'm wired. Just when you think you have yourself figured out, God has a way of showing you that you have so much more room to grow and change.

Let me back up to May. Our first house was on the market for two and half weeks before we had an offer. By the end of June we sold our house and moved into an apartment so our new home could be built...talk about transition. Our family of four was forced into a very small space with no backyard and only a portion of our belongings. Let's just say we've learned to live with a lot less "stuff" and space. Here in October, we are counting the days until our new home is complete.

On July 24th our lives changed, mine forever. We learned we were expecting Baby Evans #3. You see, we had JUST sold and/or donated ALL our baby stuff. Everything from maternity clothes to Bumbo was purged when we moved from the house. We made the decision we were "done" having children. We had one boy and one girl. We were the "perfect" American family, why change it? As you can imagine, we were shocked. This baby would be due March 29, 2012, a mere 17 months after Riley. I was in shock, but COMPLETELY elated at the same time.

By pregnancy #3, you know the drill. I scheduled my "confirmation" appointment at seven weeks, August 12. At 4:55pm on August 11th something became terribly wrong. To spare the details, I called the doctor's office and they assured me everything was alright and to just come in the next day for my scheduled appointment. Deep down, I KNEW what was happening despite being told that everything was fine. At the appointment the nurse and nurse practitioner didn't get the memo that something was wrong and they made their jokes about being pregnant so soon, that it couldn't be true. In the back of my mind I was thinking, "Well, it's not true... anymore." Once I explained the situation the jokes stopped... like a freight train crashing. An ultrasound showed that the baby had stopped growing or that I was not as far along as we thought. I knew it was the first, but we still had to hold onto that glimmer of hope that everything really was alright.

I spent all weekend in turmoil. I waited to have blood drawn until Monday and was assured the results would be in that afternoon... of course they weren't. When I called the lab to check on the progress I was told, "You'll just have to wait." Finally Tuesday I called my doctor's office and was told my hormone levels were dropping.

It's funny (well, not really funny), but no one wants to say, "You are having a miscarriage." No one can say it, but I had to say it. The words still feel like broken glass coming out of my mouth when I do say it.

"I had a miscarriage."

Today I would be 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I've come a very long way, only by the grace of God. There is absolutely no way I would be making through this journey with out my God. No way.

I am grateful for other women who have shared their stories of loss with me. I hate that we are kindred spirits in such an awful way, but they make me stronger. I have the most strength in talking to someone who "gets it".

I'm grateful for family and friends who have listened and loved, even when they didn't know what to say.

The biggest lesson I have learned is that sometimes there's nothing you can say to make things better for someone else or even yourself. I've always tried to rationalize things, especially in hard times. Now I know, sometimes you just can't. Excuse my lack of eloquence here, but sometimes things just "suck" and that's the only thing you can say.

I thank God for the strength He has given me through the loss of a child. I know to some it seems crazy. I know you may not understand the loss of a pregnancy at seven weeks as the loss of a child, but I do. I feel a deep sense of emptiness knowing that baby could be here with us now, but I also understand God gives AND takes away.

I do believe loss makes you more grateful for the people around you. It does make you realize stuff is just stuff. Loss takes things you already know and makes them more clear.

So here I go. I'm about to press the "Publish Post" button and put it out there for everyone to see.

Lastly, I'm grateful for the healing and strength to press that button.

Life Lately

So, I haven't blogged in an extremely long time. I've sat down and typed, deleted, typed, saved, given up and now I'm back (for today).

I haven't even formally introduced Miss Riley to our blog, but she arrived October 4th at 6 lbs., 15.6 oz and 20.5 inches at 11:46pm.

She will be six months old tomorrow, my how time has flown. I must say Riley Grace is a complete joy. I told Jason the other day I wish we would have known her temperament before she was born and I would have named her Joy, it just fits. She is incredibly easy-going and happy all the time. She is one of those babies that when she fusses something is wrong and needs to change. She fusses only when she is hungry, tired or dirty and not even every time she is tired, hungry or dirty. (After Benjamin I didn't know babies like this actually existed, I thought they were mere old wives' tales.) I just can't believe how blessed we are to have such a wonderful little girl. Riley loves to laugh and watch her big brother run around. Her eyes dart back and forth to keep up with whatever he is doing, all the while with her precious laugh. She giggles and coos at most things he does. As a mother, it is truly heart-warming to watch the two of them interact at such young ages. It's so special to see the adoration from both sides. I know we will go through stages where they will forget how much they adore one another, but for now it melts my heart.

As for Mr. Benjamin, he still challenges us daily. I truly believe that's his lot in life, to keep me on my toes! :o) I always talk about how challenging he is, but he has such a sweet heart at the same time. He gives the best hugs and is so genuinely excited to see Jason or I after an absence (even after a short time). He loves to play with all things wheels. If it has wheels, he'll play with it, still. Right now, he loves dinosaurs, fire trucks and his sandbox. He does a great job with his colors and knowing the words to songs. Maybe he'll be a singer one day (of course those would NOT be genes he got from me). He still takes swimming lessons. He's been doing that since he was 14 months old and still goes once a week. He loves it, but I'm not convinced swimming is his calling. (He's still not big on water being in his face.) It's amazing to see him develop interest in his own things. Lately sports have been grabbing his attention (which his daddy is thrilled), so we'll see where that leads him. Benjamin blesses us daily, he's such a lively spirit.

This is us for now. I'd like to say I will blog more frequently, but I can't make any promises. We're just spinning through life counting our blessings and loving whatever comes next!

Until next time...