Preparing for Xmas

It seems just inappropriate at this time of the year to send xmas dinner invitation!

We are just only getting out of summer and xmas wave is already coming in. Ish ish ish.

More leaving drinks!

There you go, my mates from all over the world!

Moving again

I hate moving.

It's time again for me to pack up my suitcase and move to another flat. Which again it's a temporary place for the next couple of weeks.

Sien.

Being a drifter is tiring. Maybe that's why dad gave up working on a ship because living without a place of your own for so many years somehow make you no difference with a homeless lad.

Ah well.

Change is the only constant I have.

Sponsoring a child

Not long time ago I was telling mum that I had this crazy idea of adopting a child. Not this year. But in the near future, say in a couple of years, before the age of 35? ..if I am still single.

I was so so confident that I will be able to do that. I am sure I will love the child. I love children and I love to be a mother someday. Single mom these days are not easy to be but it is still do-able, right? Mum of course didn't like the idea. She said I am just being ridiculous. I can't even look after myself. How am I suppose to raise a kid? She says raising a child is a lifetime commitment and she doesn't think I will be able to do that by myself, and of course, for the best interest of the child, he needs a father to grow up with. End of discussion.

Haishhh. I'm just being naive again.

But something happened two weekends ago.

I was challenged to sponsor a child in Uganda - through the Compassion programme that Hillsong is currently involved. The programme is part of church's mission of playing our part to make poverty history. There were pictures of little children, standing innocently looking into the camera. No smiles on their faces. My heart sinks looking at them. They were so many of them. Waiting for a sponsor.

All these while, I've been wanting to adopt a child. And now, I'm just given the chance to sponsor a child instead of raising one. I don't have to take the child home. All I have to do is support him financially. Provide him shelter, fund his education and pay for his food. When the photos were passed around, all I have to do is sign the papers. The amount of money that will be deducted from my account will not be a significant number. But this will be a commitment, a serious commitment. It could change the world of a child and you don't want to be responsible of ruining someone else's life.

For at least two hours, I was struggling inside. In the end, I realise I wasn't ready for such a big commitment. I know I could change his life and also mine. But those stupid what ifs were all over my head. What if I screw up? I didn't sign the papers. Chicken-ed out. I was so disappointed with myself. I just couldn't do it. Didn't have the courage. Mum was right after all. I am not ready yet.

Butterflies

This week has been really difficult.

I can't eat well, sleep well or work well. My mind is stuck. Feels like hitting the bottom.

The only good thing is, everytime when I am at the bottom, I sincerely hope that the circle will turn and I will move on to the next circle.

...

I miss home. But after so long, I can't remember how it feels like anymore to be home. I've been travelling for so long. And I am tired. I just wanna go home.

I had a panic attack in the office today. Had to do a short presentation. I hate public speaking. Makes me so nervous. Glad it's over.

*sigh

Give me a kiss to build a dream on

It's almost mid September.

Just past a month being here in London.

Summer is nearing an end. It gets dark after seven in the evening. Autumn is already blowing its way. I will be back to Birmingham soon and that is really sad. Shame. Shame. Autumn is creeping into my heart.

I did not go to the office. I am not feeling well. Clearly. My head is in a mess. Needed a break to clear my mind. I woke up with my head spinning. Needed to speak to my mum and friends. To catch up and to feel closer to familiar people.

Mom in Muar. Ker Ying was in Phuket. Hazel, Wen Yie in Malaysia. Ryan in Singapore.

They are just the medicine I needed to fix my head.

I was telling R, the crazy plan B that I am thinking about. He says it is crazy. Total insane. But I know he will support me one day.

Life in the UK for the past couple of years has been an amazing journey. I came here with a five year plan. It was all about career. Travelling. Seeing the world. Meeting new people. There's another two years to wrap up this journey. And now, honestly, it is about time to think about the next 5 year plan. I should really do that, right? No more spending all my money, living as if the end of the world is tomorrow. No more being the 'go out and explore yourself while you are young' kind of girl. Settle down. Pick a place to set my feet down. So I chose Birmingham. But I change my mind now. I want it to be London. Arrghh..

..

I always wanted to get married, have beautiful children, go travelling, watch the stars together at night. Listen to nice music in the evenings. Holding hands, living the dream. The person I loved a long time ago, recently got married. I cried so badly listening to Adele's song - Someone Like You. I was broken when we finally call it quits. This was years ago. And it took a very long time for me to recover. We were not meant to be. And so this dream of mine was kept in the closet. Tried taking it out a few times but was left hurt again and again.

I am just hopeless in finding a partner.

I made a new year resolution. This year, I am going to give myself a chance, to find true love.

After getting back from my holiday with my family in Spring, I started a new chapter in Birmingham. Finally sorted my feelings for S. It was just a teenage crush after all. Ker Ying can't help saying - Told'ya so and glad you finally wake up!'

Then A came along. It was a mistake. An honest but painful mistake. He still has personal issues to deal with and he has to be back to his parents. To get fixed. And so I let him go. This is the right thing to do.

Then I made a quick conclusion. I am hopeless in finding someone for myself. So I decided to blind date. I just don't want to give up in finding true love. Just yet. My friends who thought somehow I will find the one that I am looking for, might be just the cousin/friend of theirs. They cared about me.

And it happened in London. I did it. The blind date.

Met this guy who is a cousin of a good friend. He is the nicest guy I ever been with. But being at this age, there's a a voice, one which is getting louder and clearer as the years past.. says to me, 'Are you sure you want to do this all over again? And get yourself hurt? Have you ever thought about that? Are you sure you are ready? This might be just another crush. Do you even know this guy? There is no hollywood-feel good kind of ending in a real world. You will be going back to Birmingham."

Crazy, isn't it? I actually really like this guy. But am afraid to let myself fall in love. I just can't do another relationship to go with the distance. One of the crazy reason I chose Birmingham was S. He was there. And I know to find out whether things will work out or not. We have to be in a same place. But I was one-hand clapping.

The same thing happened to A. He wants to go back to Malaysia. I can't give up my career in the UK.

And now, J in London. And me going back to Birmingham in a couple of weeks time.

That is what is bothering me now. Should I? Should I not?

I don't know the answer.

I am afraid. And the easiest way out is just to turn around and run. Timid. That's me.

I am so tempted to leave this life in the UK. Leave for an island. Work in a hotel maybe. Do some admin work. Earn enough money just to give myself food and shelter. Swim in the blue water. Watch the sun sets in the evenings. Take morning jogs by the beach. If I am going to be alone, unmarried, I want to be alone in a beautiful place. To the least, I get to live in a beautiful place. Swim in the big blue sea. So that is plan B. Just only, I haven't found the island yet.

I am trying to sell my apartment in Malaysia. Pay off whatever outstanding bills. Enough to buy the airtickets and start off at a new place. Uh huh. That's exactly what Ryan replied. "It's crazy. Crazy plan B."