My testimony.

I have so many thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart that it is hard to put it into words. I've never been one to talk about my faith by writing about it for others to read. Not because I want to hide it, but because the feeling with which I write with may not be apparent in the way I want it to be. Words can easily be misinterpreted and the tone in which I write can be misconstrued.

Even so, I hope all who read this can feel the genuine emotion with which I write.

I have been suffering from severe postpartum depression since the birth of my son, Anthony, 15 months ago. I'm at a much better place than I was even as little as 2 months ago. In an effort to deal with this depression I have turned to my Lord, and Savior, Jesus Christ, to help rid me of the dark, terrifying, and incessant self-deprecating thoughts that have consumed my soul. I am also taking medication, but what the medication can't do, Jesus Christ can.

I know that the atonement of  Jesus Christ is real. So often when the atonement of Jesus Christ is talked about it is in relation to sin. The atonement is so much more. Christ bled in the garden of Gethsemane not only for our sins, but for every imaginable pain, suffering, and heartache we would feel in this life on earth. This sorrow and depression that has racked my soul and taken me to the point desolation and feeling as though I'm not worth anything, has been lifted and made lighter, something I can bear, because I know I am not alone. My Savior has felt what I am feeling.

There have been days when I felt like I had no light left in me; when I was filled with an unimaginable darkness and the only way I could be let free was to take myself out of this world. In these times I have felt my Savior lift me up and help me find the light that is buried inside of the darkness that consumes me. Amidst the thoughts that I'm not good enough and unworthy of love, I am able to find my worth by remembering who I am and why I am here on this earth.

I am here to teach my children, through my words and actions, the love of the Savior and how to live a life as the Savior lived his. A life of unconditional love, kindness, thoughtfulness, understanding, acceptance, humility, goodness, purity, integrity - In essence, charity, which is the pure love of Christ.

I am here to to show my friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances, the world, what it means to be a Child of God and a disciple of Christ.

I know that every person on this earth is of divine nature and a child of God. As such, we are all brothers and sisters. We are family.

My heart aches as I read about and see the hate, contention, judgments and wars that are occurring all over the world. I truly have a love for all mankind and pray daily to know what I can do to lift the people around me and ease their burdens; to help them feel the love of God and of Jesus Christ.

When I have the days when the darkness is starting to take over the light, I remember that if I am gone, so will the good that I have to offer the world be gone. I believe that even though we mostly hear and read about the bad in the world, there is so much more good in the world. There are amazing, wonderful, Christ-like people in all tenets of faith and religions, as well as those who aren't a part of any sort of faith or religion. I have the privilege of having many of those people in my life.

If all of us were to have charity as the Savior, Jesus Christ, does, I know the world would be a much better place.

I have chosen to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints because it is here that I have found what I need to help me become the human being I want to be.

I don't have a testimony of the church of which I am a member as a church is comprised of the people that attend. I have a testimony of the doctrines and the gospel of Jesus Christ that have been taught to me in this church. I have gained my testimony by living the teachings I have learned and studied since I was a little child. Every day, I am learning and growing in my faith. Every day, I am striving to do better than the day before and improve in those areas in which I am lacking. Every day, I am taking the steps necessary in my life to emulate the Lord, Jesus Christ.

He is my Savior and Redeemer. He is the rock upon which I build my foundation. He is my brother and my friend.

Of this I testify.

Labor and Delivery of Anthony

I thought I was going to have Anthony earlier than his estimated date of arrival. One reason being that the measurement of my uterus was 2 weeks ahead from the time they started measuring. Seriously, every appointment I was measuring 2 weeks ahead of his due date. Another reason is the fact that I started having contractions 2 weeks before I actually had him. Every day I was wondering whether or not it would be the day as I would have contractions that would last for a few hours but then dissipate. 

Fast forward to Monday, August 12. I started having contractions at about 2:00 a.m. that were actually bothering me and I remember thinking to myself, "Seriously? I'm tired and these are probably going to stop in an hour or so anyway." Well those contractions became closer together and more consistent throughout the rest of the day and by about 5:00 p.m. I was feeling the way I had when I headed over to the hospital with Gabriella. Because of this, I decided to call the midwives and tell them that I was having consistent contractions and to be on alert because I was pretty sure I was in labor. They told me to get some rest and to make sure I had everything ready (i.e., tub blown up, hose attached, towels in place, beds made up, etc. - if you want to see everything I had to have feel free to check it out here) I asked Marco for a blessing and I remember it being all about Anthony. It was interesting and looking back, exactly what I needed at the time.

Well, I continued to have contractions until about 11:00 p.m. and then they just tapered out. I was super bummed. I was so ready to meet the little guy and I was tired of having all this contractions only to lead to nothing. Well, I went to bed and was awakened again at about 2:00 a.m. to contractions, a little worse than the day before. I figured I wouldn't think anything of it since this had already happened and I didn't want to get my hopes up. I tried to go back to sleep to no avail since I kept having contractions that were about 5-7 minutes apart. When I finally got up for the day, I remembered that I had my appointment with the midwives and figured I would finally let them check to see if I was dilated/effaced at all and if these contractions were really doing anything of significance. 

I arrived at my appointment and my midwife, Kaitlyn, asked how I was doing. I informed her that I was having contractions that were more consistent and a little more intense than the day before but I was handling them okay. She asked if I wanted to be checked for dilation/effacement and I said yes. She also suggested that she strip my membranes a little bit while she checked me to encourage my body to get things going so I wouldn't be so tired from more days of contractions and lack of sleep. I readily agreed. When she checked me I was 3-4cm and about 50% effaced. Then she stripped the membranes. Ouch. Also, very uncomfortable. After all that happened, Kaitlyn suggested I go walking somewhere and then try to take a nap because it was very possible I could have the baby later that day.

Well, Marco and I decided to take the girls out to lunch and holy hannah did those contractions really start hurting. The stripping of the membranes certainly did something to me. Every 4-5 minutes during our lunch I had to close my eyes and really focus on making it through each contraction. I was very grateful for all my breathing exercises and yoga that helped me stay relaxed and super quiet throughout these contractions. Otherwise, I think I would have really freaked everyone out at the restaurant. 

The contractions kept coming and I told Marco I wasn't up to going somewhere to walk, I just wanted to go home. So home we went. The contractions continued throughout the day and at about 4:00 p.m. Kaitlyn came over to check on me and see how I was progressing. Boo to this check because I was still the same as I was when she checked me at 10:00 a.m. I was a bit discouraged since I had been having such awful, consistent contractions. She told me to try going on a walk to see if it made things happen. I did go on a walk, but it didn't make anything increase. I received a call from Kaitlyn at about 8:00 p.m., and she told me she had talked to the other midwives and they all thought it would be best if I stopped trying to make things happen and to get as much rest as possible so I'm not exhausted for when things really start happening. I went to bed at about 10:00 p.m. and was able to sleep until about 2:00 a.m. thanks to the midwives suggesting I take a bath and some Tylenol p.m. 

I bet you can guess what happens at 2:00 a.m. Yup, the contractions started up again but way worse than the contractions from the day before. I remember thinking, "How do they keep getting worse? They were so painful yesterday?!" Well, they do and for that I am grateful because these contractions really meant something. I woke Marco up around 4:00 a.m. and told him that I was tired and wanted to cry and I needed Kaitlyn to come over. He convinced me to wait until 6:00 a.m. to call her. I think he was feeling that maybe things weren't really happening since it had been 2 days of this already. Well, by about 5:50 a.m. I was begging Marco to get Kaitlyn on the phone because I was in so much pain and I wanted her to come check me. I think I might have been crying because I was so tired. I think this convinced him. So, Marco got Kaitlyn on the phone and she talked to me and listened to me during a couple contractions and told me she would be at my house within an hour. It was after this phone call I asked Marco for a blessing and I was so glad later on that I did.

That hour felt like the longest hour ever. 

Well, Kaitlyn finally arrived and came in to check me and guess what?! I was 6-7 cm and about 75% effaced. Hallelujah things were happening and I was officially going to have my baby. I was super excited and might have actually exclaimed, "Yay!" when she told me. I was so ready to be done with this whole labor thing. Kaitlyn told Marco to start filling the pool at this point. I labored for about another hour when Kaitlyn suggested I try getting in the pool to see if it sped things up or slowed things down. Unfortunately, it slowed things down. From when I got in the tub at about 8:00 a.m., my other midwife, Cindy, and the midwife assistant, Christina, showed up. It was really great to see both of them. Cindy suggested I get out of the pool (which I needed to anyway since if felt like every 2 seconds I had to go to the bathroom) and start walking again since it seemed like that is what made my labor progress.

Marco and I decided to go outside for a little bit and walk. It was really nice to be in the cool air. My contractions were still pretty consistent and at the same pain level as they were at 2:00 a.m. After we walked for about 15 minutes (which I would have gone longer if I didn't have to use the bathroom again) we went inside and went into our bedroom. I labored in there for awhile, walked up and down the stairs for a little bit, labored in the room with the pool for a little bit. My contractions were super intense but I was able to smile afterward and talk to those around me. 

Since my contractions didn't seem to be getting any more intense (which is a sign that things are progressing) Cindy suggested that I start to squat as soon as I felt a contraction coming on because it would really help move the baby down. I did that with my next contraction and oh boy did it hurt. Doing that definitely made the contractions worse, which made me not want to do it, but I did it anyway because I was so ready to meet my baby. After a couple of these contractions it was suggested that Kaitlyn check my progress so they could see where I was at and do a little more stripping of the membranes to help things move along. 

Holy goodness that check was the worst I had ever experienced. I was still only 7 cm (which totally sucked since that is where I was at 7:00 a.m. and I felt like this was going to go on forever). After Kaitlyn checked me she told me she was going to keep her hand there to see what happened when I had a contraction and when that next contraction hit it was like a freight train hit me. I was unable to stay quiet any longer and had to moan or I was going to explode. The pain was so intense it was all I could do to stay composed. This all happened at about 10:00 a.m. That is when I really started transitioning and this little boy started moving down the birth canal. 

It was so painful. Seriously, so so painful. It was at this point when I had my first thought of "Why on earth did I choose to do this at home? I have no way out of this pain." It was also at this point when I recalled parts of the blessing Marco gave me early that morning. I was told in the blessing that I needed to have patience and that my father in heaven would give me the strength I needed to make it through. I wasn't alone and I would have assistance to do what I needed to bring this special spirit into the world.

After dealing with the contractions out of the pool for what seemed like an eternity (which was probably only about 15-20 minutes) Kaitlyn suggested I get in the pool again which I probably would have done anyway because at that point I don't think anyone could have done anything to keep me out. I was so ready to feel the relief that being in water gives during the contractions. It isn't that the pain disappears or is diminished in any way, but the lack of gravity or pressure that comes from being in water makes it so much easier to deal with the contractions. It was after I got in the pool that the contractions really picked up, but in a different way. I started having 2 contractions back to back and then a longer time in between the next 2. I started to feel the urge to push and the midwives told me to go ahead and do whatever it was my body was telling me. It was so nice to have someone caring for you that trusted you to tell them what you were feeling. Not looking at monitors and telling you what you were feeling. I stared pushing at about 10:50 a.m.

It was at this point Marco left the room to go get Eliana. She had requested that she be there to see her baby brother born and I am so, so happy that we let her be a part of his birth. She was smiling the entire time and exclaimed very quietly, "I'm so excited!" After pushing for not much time, Anthony was born at 11:02 a.m. Immediately after Anthony was born Eliana said to me, "I knew you could do it, Mommy. I knew you could do it!" It was so sweet and such a tender moment for me. 

I was able to hold Anthony until his cord stopped pulsing at which time Marco cut his cord and I delivered the placenta. I was then taken out of the pool and got in the bed where I was given Anthony again so we could have some skin to skin time and where he immediately started snorting and rooting around so he could nurse, which he did and has continued to do like a champ. 

I was told I tore just a little bit and required only 2 stitches. This made me super happy since I had required a good amount more with both the girls. After I was all stitched up (and cleaned up) Kaitlyn helped me to the bathroom, then into my clothes and then to my bed where I got to snuggle my little boy and have the girls come in to see their baby brother. 

It was amazing. It still is amazing to me. I love that I can remember his birth so well and that after I had him I was so coherent and in the moment. I love that I didn't have to go anywhere during labor or after delivery but to my own room. I love that Eliana was able to be there and that Gabriella could meet her brother so soon after being born. I love that I felt so in control and so empowered by this birth. I knew that my body could do what it needed to and that I had so much support while it all happened. I am so happy I had a home birth. My recovery so far has been so much easier. The pain afterward so much less. I am ever so thankful to my Heavenly Father for giving me those promptings at the very beginning to choose the midwives I did and to plan on a home birth. 

It was amazing.

My decision to have a home birth

I have had so many people asking me about my decision to have my baby at home as well as what my experience actually doing that was, I figured I should write about it all. I still can't believe it has been almost two weeks since I had our sweet Anthony. It seems like he has been with us for always, but it also seems like just yesterday I discovered I was pregnant. 

This post will be only be about how I made the decision to have a home birth. I will do a separate one about the actual labor and delivery.

The decision to have another baby was a very big one for me. Marco as well, but I think even more for me. I know it is a big decision every time you decide to add another little human being to the mix, but this time was bigger. When I had the feeling it was time to have another baby Gabriella was only 9 months old and I thought to myself, "Are you crazy?!!" I had just had a baby 9 months ago, why on earth would I want to do that again so soon. It wasn't until almost 2 months after having the feeling did I tell Marco what I was feeling. The reason for this was I prayed, and prayed, and prayed to my Heavenly Father to help me know what I was feeling was right and also that I would have the strength to handle the pregnancy, not only physically but emotionally. It was when I finally felt the peace I could do this was when I told Marco. When I finally verbalized my desire to have another child to Marco, the rightness of the decision was felt greatly by both of us. 

We were blessed that I became pregnant the month we decided we wanted another child. I remember knowing I was pregnant, but also knowing that I would have to wait awhile before a test would show positive. 

After a few weeks, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I remember that immense feeling of joy when I saw the + on the stick. Almost immedietly after the confirmation I was pregnant I had the thought, "Contact the Hackettstown Midwives." 

After I had that thought, I pretty much put it out of my mind because I knew they didn't accept my health insurance and we would have to pay for the entire pregnancy out-of-pocket. Because of this, I contacted the office that I knew took my insurance and set-up an appointment. I had my first visit and ultrasound where I found I was 6 weeks pregnant.  (Know that throughout the time of me finding out I was pregnant and the date of my first appointment was about 2 1/2 weeks. During that time I constantly had in the back of my head that I needed to contact the Hackettstown Midwives.) So, after my first visit and ultrasound, I told Marco I was still feeling like we needed to meet with the midwives. He told me to go ahead and set up a consultation since it didn't cost anything and it wouldn't hurt to meet with them. I made the phone call and the date was set when we would get to meet with the midwives. 

It was about 2-3 weeks between my first visit and my consultation with the midwives. During this time, I kept getting the strongest feeling that I shouldn't stay with my current provider and when we finally had our consultation with the midwives I knew that they were who I needed to see for the duration of the pregnancy. I also knew after meeting with them that having a home birth is what was right for me. 

Even though I knew this is what was right, I still had a hard time accepting it at first. I was someone who thought having a baby at home wasn't a very wise decision, but after lots and lots of research and prayer I knew that this is what I needed to plan on so I did. If it hadn't been for the support of Marco (as well as my parents, since I do live in their home) I never would have been able to have a home birth. I have to admit that I had moments of doubt throughout the duration of my pregnancy, but those doubts were always forgotten after prayer or talks with Marco. 

Having a home birth is a very personal decision that I know isn't for everyone, but what a difference it is from having a baby in a hospital. How grateful I am that I listened to the promptings I received and made the choice to have my baby at home. It was such an amazing experience.

He's here

We are in love with our little man.

Born at home and in the caul (so he is super lucky)

August 14, 2013, at 11:02 a.m.

9 lbs 2 oz and 21 1/2 inches

When I find the time, I will do my best to write and post my labor experience with this little guy.

Life update.

So I was reprimanded by a good friend of mine (ahem, Ashleigh) for not blogging - especially since so much has happened since I posted last. Since a little too much has happened, I am going to go through the highlights with some picture collages because if I tried to dedicate a post to each thing we all know it wouldn't happen. So here it goes. (Be sure to click on the pictures so you can see the whole collage)

First off, Christmas. We do Christmas jammies every year on Christmas Eve. Marco and I chose Eliana and Gabriella's pajamas and I have to say they are pretty cute. Eliana chose mine. I wasn't going to post a picture, but she was really proud of choosing the perfect pajamas for her mommy. They are feetie zebra print pajamas that have zebra heads on the feet. They did a good job at keeping me warm, although a little too warm because I had to take them off in the middle of the night. Christmas morning was fun, especially since it was Gabby's first Christmas and my sister, Kimi, and her family were there to join us in the festivities along with our super good friends the Salvatores, Mike & Lauren. It was a little weird thinking that on Christmas the year before I was at the end of my pregnancy with Gabriella and actually in labor the whole day (which I didn't tell anyone about because I wanted to enjoy Christmas without anyone asking me how I was doing, so I finally mentioned to Marco that I was pretty sure I was in labor until 11:00pm that night).

The girls got lots of fun things for Christmas and a ton of fun and good eats were had by all.

The day after Christmas was Gabriella's first birthday. I couldn't believe it had already been a year since this precious little girl entered our lives. Eliana told me to make sure Gabriella had lots of balloons for her birthday, so Lauren, Mike, Marco, and I inflated about 75 balloons that covered the living room floor. Eliana was really excited to wake up and see I had followed her directions and then to get Gabriella and show her birthday balloons. Gabby was super excited about the balloons and you will see that she couldn't help but try and eat the balloon, just as she does with everything else. We are working on that. :)

I made Gabby a super simple cake that she was a little cautious of at first, but then went for it after she tasted a little bit of the frosting with her finger. It was a fun day and Gabby got a few more gifts from family. We had planned to go into the city for her birthday, but unfortunately a snow storm decided to come into town and thwarted our plans. 

During all of the festivities I announced to our immediate family that I was pregnant. Mainly because I was starting to get super sick and it would be a little difficult to hide the fact I was throwing up all the time. We waited until I was 12 weeks to announce the fact we had another little person that will be coming to our family August 2013. We are super excited and for those wondering, yes this was definitely planned. Although, I am quite amazed at the fact I got pregnant the month we decided it was time for us to add another little person to our family. I can't say how thankful and how blessed I feel at the fact it is so easy for me to become pregnant. The Lord has truly blessed our life with this. 

I am seeing midwives with this pregnancy, which are super wonderful, and am planning on having a home birth which I am really, really excited about. 

The last major news is Eliana has started preschool. We couldn't be more blessed to have Eliana going to school where she is and she absolutely loves it. She is constantly asking if the next day is a school day and she is already learning so much. She has already started to assert more independence and will remind me that she doesn't need help with that anymore because she is a school girl now. I can't believe how big she is getting and that in a year she will be turning 5 and going to kindergarten. 

Those are all the major events that have happened since my last post. We are all doing well and we are happy. Life doesn't always seem to go the way we thought it would, but things end up being better then we could have imagined. We love our girls and we can't wait to find out if another little girl will be added to our family or if a little boy is in our future. I'll keep you posted on that. I promise.

Elf on the Shelf

I was made aware of this little BIG giveaway and I couldn't not participate. I mean, yes please!! Check it out. It will totally be worth the chance of you winning.

Elf on the Shelf giveaway

Someday my prince will come...

Eliana has been asking and talking a lot about marriage lately. In particular, about her husband or as she refers to him, her prince. She likes to remind me that "Papi is your husband."

She has taken to asking me where her husband is living, what he is like, etc. Instead of me answering her questions, I ask her what she thinks.

She has informed me that she doesn't know who her husband is yet as she needs to be big, like me, in order to find that out. She did tell me that she will get to marry him in the temple because that is where princes and princesses get to get married - "just like you and Papi." She also said that he lives in a flower hut in Africa and that he is silly, just like her.

I love having these conversations with her and I know that one day this little princess will get to marry her prince in the temple.