The Fact of The Matter

Hey Everyone. I hope u all have been well. Sorry I have not been commenting since last friday, it's been a strange as hell weekend and week so far. A time to reflect and just been thinkin about a lot. Nd Believe it or not, not even all about Taylor either. lol. Sad, but true.

I decided to take off all my previous posts cause sometimes it gets a lil cluttery, But idk, maybe ill put them up, i saved them as drafts.. i figured everyone has seem them already.

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So now what ever one wants to know. How it went over the weekend.

Saturday after I got off work, I headed over to Tay's house, cause we were meeting everyone at a friends. When I got there he has a friend over and was playing Ping Pong. We love ping pong. So we played for a while before his friend left.

When he left we decided to get things packed for him cause we were all staying over at Chases house going haunted housing and to see saw 5. Seemed like it was going to be a good weekend. While there I just layed on the bed as he got things ready and we just chit chatted. After he gather all the things he needed, he came and layed down next to me on his back. His shirt was about 1/2 inches above his pants line so it showed his V line and amazing stomach. That is my weakness. Right then I got a phone call. I was talking to chase when tay looked at me, then pulled his shirt up a little higher revealing more of his V and stomach.

His stomach is smooth and he is so built and if i was a very very little man, I would need some serious help climbing that V line. It's so defined.

So here I am on the phone and I cant even concentrate. SOOOOOOO i pulled his shirt down over his pants.. I know I know, Most of you are like, WHAT?!?! But i did. It's ok, cause Tay just smiled and pulled it back up. So I said, "ohhhh lord yer killing me", and Chase (who i was still talking to on the phone was like "whats going on"?) and I, with a huge grin said, "nothing" as Tay pulled it up a little more. I just started laughing and was not even listening to my phone conversation anymore. I was laughing and melting as he was teasing me. SO I said to Chase, "i have to let u go, I cant concentrate right now".. so I hung up. I said to him, U love to mess with me, and with a huge smile he said, "I was just laying on the bed!".. damn him.

SO we left and headed up to Chases. On the drive over there, I couldnt help saying this but i said to him, "Taylor, I'm sorry for saying this, but i have to.. I can't help it, but DAMN, u look sooooooo FIT today. THERE!! I GOT IT OUT!....sorry". lol. he just turned to me smiling and said, "Thank you". It was kinda cute. He did look so fit tho. Like, he was just wearin this nice polo and GAHHHHHHHH.. fit.. that's all i can say. Sooooo we made it to Chase's nd everyone was already there and we all headed off to start our night.

The night for the most part was cool. Whenever we got out of the car Tay would always wait for me and then walk with me. Having everyone around was kinda strange while with tay, so i txted him "I kinda wish that it was jus me n u". He txted bak, "I do too". But it was ok cause even with everyone around, we were together. We all went to haunted houses and ran all over the place.

The line to the haunted house was pretty long, it was about an hour and 20 min wait, so our lil group stood out there talked, and BS'd. Sometimes I like to kinda, ummm, i guess test people, So while I was out there if i was standing next to tay i would move and stand next to Kevin. (there is some tension there for some reason between them two). and just like clock work after a few Tay would come over and start picking on Kevin and like idk how to put it. I guess just let him know he's in his space or invading his territory or whatever. that's what it seemed like. Then sooner than later he would b right back by me.

Now with all the previous things that u all have read and all this, i was almost certain there HAS to be something that I am missing.

Later in the night, we all went to Blockbuster to get a movie. While we were in there Taylor cam up from behind Kevin and put his arms around him and just stood there. After a second Kevin said to Tay, "doood, get off me. Don't be gay". There was a part of me that was relieved, but a part that when I seen that, I realized how jealous and vulnerable I was. That is when the reality kicked in that I felt like I really need to put it all out there. I became sad tho.

It's so hard to be Gay. Like you like someone so much and it just seems like a game sometimes.

So instantly, my hyperness and all just dropped. Everything came to a halt right then. It hit me that I felt so alone even surrounded by everyone. I don't know if this just manifests itself because in my heart I want so bad to be the one that is with him, to be loved and held by him and Vise Versa. I don't know, But I don't like that feeling. So I knew that tonight, I needed to say something. I didn't know how, or what I was going to say, But something for sure.

On the ride home I was in the passenger seat, and Tay was in the backseat adjacent to me. I was just staring off thinking then i put my fingers over my mouth and kept them there. I could see him looking at me.

When we got home everyone piled out and headed in. Not me, I stayed out side and sat on Chases front porch. I was not ready to go in. Not just yet. I needed to try and clear my mind. I was sitting and looking at the stars asking God why now, Why do I need to feel like this right now of all times. damn it.

I was sitting on the porch, looking at the stars thinking all this when i heard the door open. I didn't look, I really didn't care who was coming out. But it was Taylor, and he sat next to me. He was quiet for a second before he asked me what was wrong. At this time so much was going thru my mind and I was not sure what to say to him.

So i just started talking. I said to him, with hesitation, with all my feelings hanging out how hard it was to be me. to be gay. I told him, even at the risk that it might weird him out or ruin our friendship exactally how i felt about him.

I said, "Can I just speak freely?" He replied "yea". Nd I said, "even if it might weird you out". He said to me, "Nothing u say can weird me out". So i let it all go. I basically told him everything. I said to him how I would spend the rest of my life with him. How I would Move mountains and split body's of water for him if I could. Pretty much everything he knew, but I never said.

We talked for a bit. . . well really I talked for a bit. I talked until i didn't know what to say anymore. After I was done, He didn't say to me, "Jason, Im sorry but u know I don't feel the same way", or "Im sorry u feel like that" or anything like that. He just leaned over and gave me a huge hug then just sat there with me until i told him he shud go back inside and warm up n hang with everyone while I gather myself.

Sitting outside, freezing under the clear night sky, I started thinking how dumb i feel. I was so scared i just had ruined my relationship with him. Not to mention that I didn't even get to the part about where he draws the line with me. I mean that was what I was INTENDING to do anyway. Instead I just let a broken heart pour all out all over the place.

So I txted him while he was inside. I asked him if he was weirded out and hated me. He texted me back, "Jason, I could never ever hate you, and no im not. I love you. Now come in".

So i gathered myself and went inside. The rest of the night we all watched movies and Taylor was so hyper and seemed to happy. I don't know y, but he was. I have never seen him so happy and hyper ever. It was quite funny. He was makin us all laugh. Come bed time, at like 4am, i decided not to push the issue and ask to sleep by him and just took the whole couch. I was still alittle unsure about the whole thing.

The next morning Taylor woke me up by turning up the volume on my phone as high as it could go and then calling my phone. It was kinda funny. He was like, Man, u needa get up cuz I already been up for like an hour and took a shower n everything. I was like, No u didn't. He said, Feel my hair, so i did. It was sooo freakin soft. So I got up nd showered and we all got ready to go. I walked up stairs and was talking to chase in the kitchen when Taylor came up from behind me. I had my hand on the stair rail kinda blockin the path into the kitchen but not really.

He came from behind me and stopped. Then he put his lips on my arm, left them there for like a second, and then kissed it, then put his lips on my finger and then kissed my finger. Nd it wasnt like one of those quick kisses it was like a kiss kiss. One that lasted at least a second. Wet lips nd all.. I just played it cool. Like I didnt even look over. I was so unsure of what to make of that.

So if i was confused before, Im hella confused now.

But at least I know now, that he knows. Its all out on the table. All of it.

So just today, we hung out again, and had a blast. He bit my arm, again as usual and stayed close as we made ring tones for his phone. We went to eat and had a day that seemed less stressed for me. Just the fact that he knows EXACTLY HOW I FEEL and is still there for me, and wants to spend time with me, that means more to me than anything else.

So as far as the rest of what I want and hope I look at it like this;

The Fact of The Matter is That He knows How i feel. He knows that I have an undying love for him. If he wants me, Im here. If we become closer over time he knows he can back off at any moment. SO for now, with all my cards out on the table, and him still holding his cards in his hand to where i can't see them, I will wait and see where it takes us. It's outta my hands for right now.



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I Get One More Chance

So wish me luck.

Tomorrow night we have planned a whole night with our friends. It usually ends up being really fun no matter what happens cause we are all together. But, the difference is that Tay will be there. He usually isnt. But not only is he coming, were gonna stay together. finally.

I hope it's fun. Im not expecting for it to be too nuts, but i am srsly just thinkin about asking him where he draws the line with me. It's almost killing me not knowing. ya know? so i think maybe i shud jus say, "can i talk to u about some things without weirding out our friendship?" nd he he's like "sure", ill make sure that he knows it kinda strange questions nd as if hes sure about that..

That's if i have the balls to really go thru with it. If not, it's all good too.

Being "Done" is Overrated Anyway.

There is just something about the way his hair falls in front of his blue eyes and curls at the edges that just drives me nuts. That mixed with his smile.. It's killer.. "I wish I could quit you".


I think that I had to come to a point where i had to choose, "learn to deal with your feelings" or "Not have Taylor apart of your life". For me that was an obvious choice. Sometimes I think we have such an undying love for someone that it can be heart breaking when it does not become more than what "WE" want it to be. But there were some VERY good comments and very good points made in my last blog. One that kinda suck in my head was something along the lines of that maybe my and his relationship is jus supposed to be how it is. Nothing more, nothing less because something could happen that could ruin it if it was to become more. Very interesting point.

I have decided to not blog as much about Taylor. There are other things that happen in my life. lol. I just think that maybe ill only blog about other things, and only Tay if something happens more.. uh.. memorable?...ish unless u guys want to hear. lol
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Once again, Taylor throws me a curve ball. I caught it this time tho.

It's strange because the relationship that we have is something of an enigma. It's so puzzling to me, and also, to most of you too.

Tonight was strange in a good way.

I had the day off today, and this morning, just like clock work, Tay texted me asking me if I had to work today, but I was sleeping so I didn't get it till later in the day. Of course I said to him that I was off and was just planning on chillin at home tonight. Then I was like, "unless u want to not be at home then ill be with you". lol im retarded.. Even after all that was going on last Friday, I couldnt help but just be addicted and obviously I couldnt b done with him.. Shit, when it comes to him, 'being' done is overrated.

As the afternoon progressed, I was playing with the idea of driving into town, I live in a smaller town, near a big town.. Well until i go back home, then i just will live in a super huge town. lol. But anyway, I was thinking about it all afternoon and then at about 3 he starts calling me, which is unusual. He was asking me all these questions about getting music off his ipod and all this craziness. Stuff that obviously i can't just explain over the phone, so of course, I went over there. lol.

I'm glad I did tho. From the minuet that I saw him he gave me a huge smile. We went back into the computer room and started working on his iPod. We had our usual exchanges in conversation and it seemed that once again on his turf he was relaxed and more care free. During this time he put his chair right next to mine. Really close. SO while he was looking at his phone he would put his elbow on my knee and play with his phone. I don't know why that was nice to me, but it was. Then during other exchanges, he would put his hand on my leg and squeeze, but then just leave it there for a bit.

Can ANYONE understand why I am confused here?!?!?

I can't seem to explain the chemistry we have. I can do just about anything to him and he always smiles. I put stickers on his face and he sat there with this huge smile on his face. It was kinda funny cause they were little flowers, butterflies and princesses. Then I pulled them all off. I can put him in a head lock, and he lets me. I bite him. whatever. lol.

We just seem to click. So how can i quit that? Why would I want too? I really don't know. I think that it's just sometimes I just want to b with him so bad, that it almost...hurts.

After fixing his iPod issues, we stopped by the soccer game. It was so cold. Like, I was wondering why we ever went. lol. But all our friends were playing so it was like ok. We basically stood by the snack thingie cause the wind and rain was so cold it kinda blocked it. While we were standing there with some of our friends, I feel someone put there arms on the outside under my armpits and leaning into me with their head on my back. Now being at the game this was not an uncommon occourance because everone either pickes me up and squeezes me or comes from behind and hugs me or whatever, but i looked and it was Taylor. All cuddlin next to me for warmth. I was so suprised. But I played it cool..

Well after the game we went to Bed Bath & Beyond. While we were there we saw this Nautica Quilt. It's the same one that I have and I love it. It's all patch work and really colorful. It looks like this.



So I asked him without him knowing that I had one, "What do u think of this quilt?" nd he said that it's pretty tight. I was like ya I was thinkin that too. (cause it's my most favorite quilt thing ever. lol.) n I was like, yea, It's the same one that I have at home in Vegas. He was like, "It's tight". Then i said, u want one? He surprised me with his answer. He said, "I would love to have the same quilt as you man". You see, he reeeeeeeeeeaaallly needs one. He only has this little blanket on his bed. It's all polyester and ugly worn out. Like the really cheap kind u get at walmart.. It's all pink n ugly. This quilt is 100% cotton and so warm. So i grabbed one, and we walked off. As we were walking we messed with everything. BB&B has so many cool things in their store.

We stood toward the check out at there were all these magnifying mirrors there and were looking in them. He stood there looking at himself saying that the mirrors really make him look ugly. He was talking about black heads and how so close he looks so ugly. I just looked at him and said, "Taylor, even those mirrors can't make u ugly man". he just smiled at me and turned from the mirror and walked toward the check out.

After BB&B I was craving some ice cream, so we went and got this amazing reeses peanut butter ice cream hot fudge thing.. OMG it was so good. We shared the whole thing. I did ask him if he wanted to get anything of his own, and he said well if I like what u have, Ill just eat some of yours. Of course I couldnt argue with that. lol. It was gone in like less than 5 min. It was soo gooood.

We went back to his house and just hung out. It seems that when we hang out at his place we always have fun. We unfolded his new quilt and he wrapped himself up in it. He said to me that the quilt is something the he will keep for the rest of his life, then wrapped back up in it. lol. It was really cute. We layed on his bed and watched music videos on his iPhone. Lil Wayne and T-pain to be exact. Lil Wayne is one of the most ugly people i have ever seen. hahahaha.. fer real tho, but he has some bad ass videos. During this time, I would put the tips of my fingers on the tips of his and just move them across. If i was not doing that I was following his veins in his arms with my fingers. lol. I know lame, but its a start for whatever... if anything.

The rest of the time there we talked and just messed around. It's funny cause most of the time when we talk we are always so close to each other. Like we are never too far apart, even in a huge room.

Before I left, I finally got a hug that made up for the Friday night before. A long, warm hug, where i actually kissed his neck then hugged him tightly n said bye.

He txted b4 he went to bed, "Hey im goin to bed. Night n i love u lots".

I seriously would die for him.

The Rundown... It Was A Different Energy

Alright, so I have had some time to think about last Friday night, and here are some of my thoughts and a summary of what all went on.

You know, I think that the fact that being gay is never going to b easy for me and i realize that. I think that sometimes it beats me down inside. Even when I know that being gay does not define a person, it is not what completes the structure of who a person is, it's just a part of who someone is.

But it still beats me down like a red headed step child. (no offense anyone lol). It's just as a human, All i really do want is to just love someone. To reallly love someone. I want someone to love me as well. I am sick of being the person that everyone "comes too". I want to be the one that everyone wants to be with. idk. I look in the mirror and i just see ugly most of the time. Not because of what is on the inside, but what is on the outside. I guess there is a huge part of me that really feels like I am not now or will ever be good enough to be with Him or anyone like him.

But I don't blame him for that. Not at all.

When I think of Tay, There is not one thing that I would not do for him. Not one. I am attracted to the very fiber of his being. It does not matter if he thinks that he might b having a bad hair day, or maybe he thinks that he does not look his best, to me, he is always so beautiful. When he takes his hat off and has that messy hat hair, it's so cute, and he looks better than ever. I want to lay with him on the bed and talk till endless hours. I want to rub his feet after he has had a long practice. I want to run my fingers through his hair as he lays next to me and falls asleep. I want to give him the world. Sometimes I just want to kiss him. Not like on the lips and all makin out with him, but just on his neck as i put his arm around him...holding him.. ya.

But I can't.

Without getting into a whole lot of detail, Friday night was not bad like i said before. We went to the mall to get those sunglasses for him and check out a few other things. Zack had joined us for the mall and dinner and whenever anyone else is around Tay always seems to act a little different toward me. I can understand that tho. It seems painfully obvious to me how guys in our world feel the need to always distance themselves from anything that might seem abnormal or whatever. In other words shit to not make them look gay. But whatever.

When we were at the mall, Tay had to go to the bathroom and zack and i sat at the food court and talked a little. I started talking about how I know that I am always super hyper and stuff but im that way because I just love being around people tha I love. Zack just looked at me and said that he loves how I am and he just thinks that everyone else needs to just loosen up more and b like me. lol. He is adorable if u ask me. He said that he thinks Taylor tries to play it a little too cool. But I just smiled and said to him, "You know Zack, When it's just me and him, he is different. He is more open and more... different". He just smiled. He knew that I couldnt explain it. I just said that "when there are other people around he is just more uptight. With me he knows that he does not have to put on a show". Zack said that he feels the same way around me. It was nice to hear that.

Dinner was ok. We went to chipotle. When we were inline at Chipotle I noticed Zacks eyes and jus said to him, "U have really nice eyes", lol.. (as if that was not gay), n zack said, "Yea girls are always saying they are pretty", nd i just looked at him right in the eyes and said, "they are really pretty" and he gave me the biggest sweetest smile ever. lol. that was a cool part of the night.. Dinner seemed like It was a little awkward for some reason. Like Taylor was really kinda quiet. Tay sat next to me, and zack was on the other side. We all just jib jabbed about random stuff while we ate. I did a lot of talking and everyone was done eating way before me. I am honestly really A.D.D. But i love it cause it makes everything better n e way.

One highlight was when we stopped at best buy. Tay needed a case for his iPhone. We have bought one last week but i guess he didn't like it. lol. o well. But we found one and i jus grabbed it from him and told him id buy it. He just looked at me and said are you sure? I looked at him straight in the eyes and said, Yes. After we paid we were walking across the parking lot and he just gave me a big hug said "thanks and I love you". That meant a lot. It let me know that even in public, he was not afraid to show me that he loved me..

But even then, I was not feeling that bad yet. It was at the game we went to where it just all hit me at once.. read on....

We got to the game and we all sat with a bunch of people. Some who I knew and others I didn't. But for some reason during that time is when I just started really feeling like maybe where I was, was not where i was supposed to be. I don't know if it was all the guys holding their girlfriends, or the fact that Tays ex was there. A cheerleader. I have known her for a while. A few years actually. I can understand what he sees in her. She is very beautiful. When they talked it seemed as if i could feel his energy. Which actually, I can. That's a whole nother story tho, for a whole nother day... So i guess it didn't just feel like i could, but i could, and it was a different energy tonight. It was almost like being there sucked all the positive energy out of me. Like someone was channeling my energy straight out of me. Negativity started setting in.

I think it's then i realized that all those thoughts in my head, all those dreams, all those hopes with him, were just that... in my head. Maybe I was just being negative or maybe for the first time I could see clearly. I don't know. But whatever it was it was playing devils advocate.

After the game it was just him and I. We went to the movies. Man that was hard. It was kinda late at night after a long day, and stupid ass me, had to pick the movie. So i picked Nick and Noras Endless Play List. Damn, bad mistake. I mean that was what Tay wanted to see anyway. But it was a love movie.

So there I was. In a love movie with the boy that I am in love with but cant touch, cant say anything, cant do anything. I know I should have been thankful that I was just there with him and that we were just together. I know this, believe me, but I also couldn't help but feel so alone. So sad. It just carried on to the point where i would look over at him and get that knot in my stomach. Not a huge one, just a little one. The one that only hurts a bit.

After the movie i took him home. At the back of my truck unloading, I received the coldest hug yet and a see ya, followed closely by a mumbled 'love ya'. I drove off.

That was that.

So will I ever be what he wants? probably not. But I really don't think that i will ever find anyone that I am so physically and mentally attracted to as I am him. So this is just some sick and twisted game that life loves to play on me. I always seem to lose.. even if im ahead for a bit, eventually, I lose.

But on a final note, I am so thankful tho, for the friendship i have with him. He seriously does mean the world to me. I can only hope that others may expierence the joy of just having someone in their life like I have with him.. minus the "in love with someone u cant have" thing.

I'M DONE... Srsly.

Im done wondering. Im done trying to figure shit out. Im DONE liking straight guys, or even guys that are "out" as straight but obviously are not.

N fuck this gay shit.. what the hell. I don't understand why we cannot all just be straight n not have to worry or wonder or any of that.

No tonight did not go bad, but i can not get over how bad i felt. Ill tell u all about it later. But It's not Taylor's fault. N i am thankful for our friendship, so thankful, but i'm getting in to deep n i think i jus need to back off.. srsly.

No I didn't make a move, N no I didnd ask him anything about it.

I can't compete with his gf who he obviously loves nd is ok with his casual sex anytime she has him by the balls relationship. I cant b her.

I can give and give and give until there is nothing left but that is not going to make him like, LIKE me. It is what it is.

I don't get it sometimes tho. He got kinda mad cuz i invited our friend to come eat with us, I asked him if it was ok, and he said, "I guess". then like, he txts me when he gets off work, every day, jus to tell me hes off, and txts me good night and love u when he goes to bed. n tons of shit throughout all the day. He said there are jus two people that he txts all the time, Me n Her. I just dont get it, but, im done... Srsly.

heres a pic of me with Tays old sunglasses tho.










U think I look Dorky?


P.S. - Just say no to straight guys. Grrrrrr

Not Today, But Friday... an update

Hey Hey everyone. Just a little update on what all is going on with me.

I was sick for like 4 days, and was not even in the mood to be on the computer. I know right. Me of all people.. on top of that today is Wednesday.. That is supposed to mean that me and Taylor are supposed to hang out, but of course I have to work. But have no fear, I have friday off and we are going to hang out all day.

Taylor and I talked a bit on the phone last night. We were looking at some Oakleys (sunglasses) last week and he was really wanting this other pair that are all white.. He wanted to sell the pair the he has now and get them. They are pretty nice. I was looking at another pair, but really did not know if I wanted to spend that kind of money on them. Even if I wanted to buy Taylors they are they are like 115$. So i was a little hesitant.

These are the pair he has now.






These are the pair he wants to get.







Well I called Taylor last night after the movie i went too. (Eagle Eye = Good Movie), nd I told him that I was just going to buy them from him. He asked if I was sure if I wanted them, and I said to him, "Honestly Taylor, I would want them because they are yours, and u know how I am about those kind of things. Shit u give me always means more to me than just going out and buying a new pair or whatever". So he said that sounds good, and chatted a bit more about friday, then we hung up. Well on my drive him Taylor called me and told me that He is going to buy the new pair of sunglasses that he wanted and he wants to give his old (like a month old) pair to me. Just give them to me. I was not really sure what to say. I was like, "But I cant Just let u GIVE them to me!" then he said, (in the cutest voice i might add), "Well what if I want to". I just melted. I could have rolled my truck. I was jello. I just said to him well if u don't have enough for the new ones, then ill at least help pay for those then. He aggreed to that.

So we are planning on hanging out on friday and I think that i am gonna stay the night with him. I don't know tho, a part of me wants to, and then there is a part of me that does not know if it would even happen, or if its such a good idea. But il let u guys know.

The other night I was looking at quotes and inspirational things n such, and it inspired me to write a bit of my own, and include bits of others, at like 3:30 in the morning I texted him while he was sleeping and said;

"I'm Glad ur in my life Taylor. U just get me. U gather all the little peices i am usually in and give them back to me in the right order. That's why I love you. 'If your alone, I'll b your shadow, If you cry, Ill be your shoulder, If your happy I'll b your smile, If u just need a friend, Ill just b me.'"

In the morning, he texted bak;

"I'm glad ur in my life too. I love you man".

I can't help but just say things i feel, even if i take the pussy way out and text it to him in quotes. lol. O well.. I know he knows and he is still hangin in there with me.


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Shes a Lucky Bitch!.. nd a new bracelet.

Soooo it's Wednesday night. That means I pick Tay up from Baseball Practice and we hang out.

It's been kinda strange this week because I have been feeling a little under the weather, I am not so sure why, it's just been like that. The weather is so awesome so there is no excuse for it!

Early This morning, Taylor called me to make sure that I was going to spend time with him today. 7:15am to be exact. Who in the world calls people at 7:15 am? lol. Apparently Taylor does. I said, of course i'll be there. The fact is that anyone that has been reading this blog for more than a day, will know that for Taylor, I could be missing a leg, lost a hand, became deaf and mute, then died in my sleep, and I would still be there.

I pick him up and although when I see him, I usually perk up no matter what is going on, I was still needing that little pick me up to get me going. Don't you hate days like that? I freakin do. But of course it didn't take long. The drive from where he practices to the town he lives in, is about a 35 min drive. As usual we talk and talk on the way up there. He told me that he was going to go out with his ex over the weekend. I was to say the least, less than happy, BUT supportive about it. I really am ok with it, cause we have a friendship that he does not have with anyone else.

As we were driving down the highway, he started changing. I know the he knows this jus gets me all unfocused. lol. He changes his shirt and puts on another one, then just full out takes off his pants right there.. Didn't even go in the back seat. How can he NOT know that this just..just....well u know. Like, gaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! That's what it does. It drives me nuts inside. I was practically GRABBING my eye balls to not look. Damn him. lol

We decided to eat dinner at Pizza Hut Bistro. It was good. He kept making little spit balls and shooting them at me through his straw. One went in my mouth. lol. I guess that is as close as I am going to get to kissing him.. maybe.

After eating he had a project for his marketing class to do. He had to make a brochure. I am the shizz at that, so I helped him make it. The whole time on the computer we sat so close on these two chairs. I was holding the paper that had the instructions on it. As I would look at it he would put his hand on my leg, or he would put his arm on my leg and even one time, he bit my arm. Who does that.. well I mean, I do, but other than me, WHO DOES THAT?! lol. So i put his fingr in my mouth, and bit it.

I LOVE his hands. I have a hand, fetish, thing, kinda. Like I am really particular about hands, and nails and stuff. His are perfect. I would s....ok, im not going there. But im sure u can get what Im saying. I just love every damn thing about him.

After we got done with that report, we went into his room to hang up that picture thing that I made him. (I talked about it in one of my lasts posts. The Name made from NY Yankees logo) It looks like this.
Well, we hung that up and we were so close holding up the frame and like I just looked over to him and started making kissing noises smiling, and went for his neck to kiss it and he didn't even move. he just was like all still. so i quickly put a tack in my mouth and poked his neck with it. Yea, im a pussy. I should of jus did it. he laughed tho. Then lifted up his shirt to strech (why lifted his shirt i don't know) n then i rubbed his belly. lol. I melted.

Afterwords we just laid on the bed and talked and talked about stuff, and then he jumped up and said, "OH DAMN! I FORGOT! I made u another bracelet!". n he sure did too. It's Blue and Yellow and looks like one he has on. It's a match. He put it on me, and I just looked at it. So we laid back down on the bed and talked some more.

He started telling me about his ex gf and how one time they were home and everyone was gone so they took a shower together, nd all of a sudden, I said, "She's a LUCKY bitch".... OUT LOUD!! My JAW DROPPED. I cannot believe i said that out loud. Tay just started smiling this HUGE smile as I started backtracking blurting out random things like, "uh.. i mean.. well, that didn't come out right".. lol Taylor still smiling, i just looked at him blushing beat red, and said, "ok, that was actually one of those times when you are thinking something in yer head and it just comes out of yer mouth.". lol and I started laughing. If he did not know before how i felt, Im sure he does now.

All in all around that time, it was time for me to leave. I had a little drive to get home. Before we left We hugged another one of those huge long warm hugs where he squeezes tight (really) and I wrap my arms around like it's the last hug from him ill get. I put my mouth to his neck but didn't kiss it. just breathed in. He smelled so good. I melted....again.

I have read all your comments, and I still just don't know. I want to tell him, I want to say and do more, but I don't want to ruin anything we have now.

Life and Love is way too confusing. But in it's own way, so worth it.

P.S. - D.L. Made me want to make sure that everyone does know that Tay know's im gay. Taylor and I talked about this like 2 months ago. He does not treat me any different.. Actually, It seemed to being us closer. Steevo made a good point to ponder on when he said, "There r str8 guys that will have a crush, be infatuated, etc. with just 1 gay friend." Hmmmm.. maybe that is the case?

Sex, N Then Some... My Weekend

Trust me.. You would not be able to say no either.


Yup. I went there.. I did it.. Now I don't think i feel right about it.

Ya know, Im not dating anyone right now. So i didn't cheat. But I AM in love, so why does it feel like I was cheating. I don't know if i feel like I was just cheating on myself, or on the one im in love with. Maybe i just feel dirty.

Let me explain further..

So late at night i get a call at about 12am, Midnight on the dot. It's my old friend. Someone that before, I fancied over, and well, we had our fun back in the day. Jacob is fit. in many ways. He is a life long soccer player, and a killer bod to boot. If he is Gay, he is in the closet to everyone but me.

It started with texting. He asked if I wanted to come see him cause he wanted to see me. That was kinda strange. I hesitated to answer really, but then the phone rang. It was him. He said my name as i said hello. He said, "Jason! I want u here now." I started laughing. He said he was serious, I said, "Well ok then." So i headed off into the night to get what I knew was coming.

Casual Sex.

As I drove over to his place, I kept thinking about what might happen. I was thinking about his tight body. I was getting hard driving down the road. He started texting me again.. He would text things like, "Is it bad that I want you like I used to want you?", "I want you to do whatever you want to do to me", "We should be together"..

As i read these, driving and midly swerving down the road, I couldnt help but feel like I was not doing the right thing. I was not feeling it. Not like i used to, although my penis was feeling it, oh boy was it feeling it.

I arived to Jacob's and he was sitting on the porch waiting for me. As I came in he had a porno playing on the T.V. Yea, it was a straight porno. It seemed to me that he wanted to get busy right off the bat. But that is not me. I can't be like that. I kinda missed him and wanted to talk to him. I gave him a huge hug, and could smell that smell of ineberation. I knew then, this was not for me. Did i stop and say anything about it? No. I didn't. Why? I don't know.

We talked for a bit about life n such, and he layed across my legs and wanted me to massage his back. He was topless with nothing but boxers on. He is built well and muscular legs to boot. After all he is a soccer player. He is mostly smooth on his upper legs and ass. Back is spotless. Not one bump. My head was spinning. I think mostly because of the blood loss from my brain. Well that is what I am guessing anyway. As I massaged his back and legs it was like at that moment, my morals were out the window. What i felt, didnt matter. I was no longer in control.

He suggested we take a shower, so we did. U know what all goes on in the shower. lol. Then off to the bed. I sure must have been on "TOP" of things, cause he sure got off quick. That was that.

After we layed to sleep. He scooted closer and did something he never did before. He put his arm around me and passed out. I had bad dreams all night, and really could not sleep well. Did i feel that bad, or was it just too strange for me after all this time.

I don't love him like i used to. For me its more of a friends love. Not anything more.

Damn Penis Brain.

I got up the next morning, and drove home. I had to work in 2 hours. On the way home. I was not feeling that great emotionally. Not like i was all unstable and freaking out, but it sure was tugging at m heart. I kept thinking about Taylor. Y i don't know. But I was. I mean, He is not even mine and probably will not ever be. I guess i feel more like... idk... cheap. Like, a slut.

I guess tho, im just human. Either way, I kinda regret it, and I didn't even cheat on anyone?!

The ReSt Of The WeEkeNd

....was awesome. I wont lie. Went to Haunted houses, hung with friends, and TeePee'd someones house.. well houses. lol. We had so much fun. Haunted houses are always good cause when yer with a group everyone brings their own element to the group. So it makes it better fer sure. We were tripping and falling, and dancing at random times. Standing in line is always fun too, cause u get quality time with yer friends. Like, u cant go anywhere, so you talk, laugh, and tell stories.

Sometimes in life i think i have to remember the Yin and the Yang. The Good WITH the Bad.

Maybe I was Wrong..

About that whole being in love thing sucking...

First off I want to thank everyone that replied to me about my last post. It was awesome to have your advice and comments. There is nothing more important to me in life than love. So it's kinda touchy.

But today, after reading everyone's comments, I decided it does not matter anymore if he does or does not feel the same about me, I am just truly blessed to have him in my life. So yesterday we made plans. To Pick him up from baseball after I got off work, (he doesnt have a car anymore cause he got into an accident)and have a night for just us. The night before he text me saying that he couldn't wait for out hangout night. Honestly, neither could I.

And Those Blue Eyes... The ones at the top of this blog, that when I look into them i melt.. Yea.. I love seeing those every time.

SO today, I got off work and drove like 100mph to where he was to pick him up. He had just go done with practice and was looking soooo fit in his uniform, but he always looks fit tho. lol, we had a little bit of a drive to go eat and he changed in the car, and he said, "I'm gonna climb in the back seat to change into my boxers", and I said, "Ok, I promise I wont peak" lol, it was funny cause I just always speak whats on my mind and he always lets me without giving me shit, or getting all wierded out. And yes, I kept my word, and didn't even try to peak. I respect him too much. Neway, we decided to eat at "Red Robins" and Man that place was good. It's funny cause when we just sit together, we can talk and talk and talk about everything. It like we never have a dull moment. Really we don't.

After we ate, we rode over to the mall, and went shopping. We of course went to Hollister, cause we are hollister hoes. hahaha. I had given him a gift card a while back for there and he had not spent it, because he wanted to go there with me, so after being there with him, i was not about to just let him spend his card, and not get something more, so we picked out clothes and i let him get an extra shirt. It's funny cause in the store, we always walk by each other and always seem to touch some how. Like if he is moving past me he will always brush against me a little. I think he knows how i feel.

Well really he should know how i feel. It's not like I have not told him a million times that I love him, he always says he loves me. So all in all, I know that even if it's not what I would want, it's what i have that matters, it's the blessing i have right before me. But it all gets better.

We walked into journeys and looked at shoes, and he I said that I really needed a pair of shoes. I was hopein that he would lead the way, and help. I am really bad a picking out shit. He has such a good style. So as i hoped he would, he grabbed a pair of shoes that I really was liking a lot. It's a pair of DC's. They are kinda wild, and a little different, but looked really cool. He liked them a lot, so after like forever of thinking about it i just told the lady, "Just put them in the bag before I like, change my mind". lol. So we bought them. They were like 100 bucks, but it's funny cause i wanted them more for the fact that Taylor picked them out than I did cause they were nice. lol. Im so lame. So there we were after shopping for like an hour, with all our stuff, and 200$ later. =O

These r the shoes! They r sweet tho.



While we were in the mall, we always seemed to brush up against each other. It's strange. Like, for me, it's almost like getting tazed. hahaha ok, well not like i dropped to the floor or anything, but more like just u feel something. I always wonder if maybe there is a part of him that might b into guys, but just kinda scared to say anything or act on it. I mean, most of us have been there, done that.

Well, we headed out of the mall and drove home. It was a beautiful evening. The crisp air, windows kinda rolled down, but not too much. I love the smell of fall.

As we drive we talked and talked. He said thanks for everything I do for him, and I told him that it really is not a big deal because he means the world to me. As I talked to him, and told him how i had felt after I had moved away from here, and went back home to Vegas last year, He just stared at me, listening to me talk. He does that. Sometimes when we drive he looks at me and just stares. lol.

We got to his house and took out all our goodies from the mall. I took out my shoes and was like, man, I just don't know if I want to keep these. I like them a lot, but idk. So As if Taylor knew i would want to keep them, he pulled them out of the box, laced them up for me, put them on and modeled in the mirror with them on. Hahaha. He looked so good in them. Like, it's most likely cause it's him, but he is just so beautiful. SO since he did all that, you KNOW that i was going to keep them. lol.

SO after all that, and a warm hug, I was off. He walked me out. Gave me a huge hug, and i drove away. After driving for a bit, we started texting. it kinda went like this.

TAY: "Thank you for everything tonight, I love you.". That meant a lot. and NO, im not getting all nuts about him telling me he loves me, and not looking into it more than it is.

ME: "Anytime man. and I love u too! Kajkbillions!" (hey it sounded cute)..

TAY: "You really mean alot to me bro"

ME: "Well your worth all i do for you, Like i said tons of times before, u mean the world to me"

TAY: "You mean the world to me too"

ABOUT 30 MIN LATER

ME: "Nd for the record, remember when i said to you that there was just one person in the world that can just say the word and I would stay here?"

TAY: "Yea, I remember"

ME: "Well I was talking about you"

TAY: "Really? Bro I would never make toy stay here. I love seeing you but I want you to be happy. I'll Move down there with you. I love you bro."

ME: Well either way I wanted you to know.

Again, I am not looking at that as more than what it really is, but man, He has been someone forever that I would move the mountains, walk on water, and fly for. lol.

So, you all are pretty right, I think he does know how I feel. I don't hide shit really well. And also, again, you are all right, I am just blessed to have him in my life regardless of what type of relationship it is. I guess u never know what the future will bring you. Even if it's not what I would want, I will still thank God for what I have.