In the last couple of days BIL has decided he has forgiven us. In fact, he even wanted to come into the city today to hang out with the kids. That didn't happen because we were out late at a concert and didn't return his calls but it sounds like he'll try again tomorrow.
I find it funny that it took all of 1 week for him to get over being angry with us. I'm assuming it's partially because Child Services has not called yet. I spoke to them on Thursday afternoon and they seemed really relaxed about the situation. The call was to ask if "there was still an issue". Clearly this was a check-in point to mark the item actioned within one week. I said that my SIL was still trying to give the kids away and that everyone she's asked has said no. This info comes from my MIL who said she'd heard that SIL had asked her family (in another province) if they'd take the kids. I'm mostly concerned that my BIL said that SIL wanted to make a decision by the beginning of September - that's SOON. We'll have to see what BIL says tomorrow. I don't think I'm ready to talk to him but if he's willing to bring the kids in I'll put up with him so we can spend time with them. Although I'm not surprised he folded so fast, I admit I was worried I wasn't going to see the kids for a year!
I spoke to my mom this morning and she's up to her usual stuff. DW and I want her to move in with us when we have our LO. She's currently living in a secluded town 10 hours away and we think it's best we get her down here sooner rather than later. She's only turning 55 but we know that within the next 10 years it will be an issue having her far away. The only thing now is getting her to sell her house and move down. She's somewhat hard to deal with and doesn't really think things through. She has a bunch of birds right now that she has acquired in the last year. I'm not sure the exact number but I'm guessing around 20. I doubt she'll have them when she moves down because this is just one of her many obsessions that she'll get over. Since right now she's pretty much "the crazy bird lady" I'm hoping this obsession dies out soon!
Anyway.. when we got back from our trip in May we found out that our TV was broken. We decided to buy a new one right away because we had a car and it would be easy to go and pick it up. It ended up that D's AMEX was declined due to fraud when we went to pay. Apparently buying gas in West Virginia in the morning and a TV in Toronto at night is "suspicious". Thankfully my mom was with us and she offered to put it on her card. Afterward we had a discussion about paying her back and she said "not to worry" because it was coming from her inheritance money from my grandfather. I was pleased with that and I don't want to sound rude or anything but none of the grandkids were left ANYTHING when my grandfather passed away this past fall and I was kind of annoyed that my mother all of a sudden had a bunch of money while D and I were going through TTC and didn't offer a penny. I digress. She offered to PAY and we were grateful. The last thing we needed was a broken TV, broken computer (our computer had been DEAD for 2 months at that point) and our mounting TTC bills (damn sperm). So now my mother has asked for the money back twice! The first time was when she decided she wanted to buy a new car. I snapped at her and said that we'd pay her back but if she needed $900 to buy the car (to pay for the first 3 months) than she couldn't afford it. She backed off and again said it was a "gift". Now today she's done it again. We asked her to cat sit when we go away and she said that since we were going on vacation "we must have money to pay her back" and she asked again for the money because her property tax was going to be about $900. She also added that she could use the $900 to help fix up the house for selling. Once she opened that can of worms I decided to ask about the money she has from my grandfather. She basically said she was saving it.
D and I have decided we're paying her back. We're going to pay $100 per month since we don't have a spare $900 to drop like that since we're going on vacation. It does look bad because we ARE always going on vacation but that is our priority. That's how we spend our money and that is how we've been dealing with TTC. If my mother had said she wanted the money back to begin with we would have paid it back already.
Annoying!!
JDZ: Two Moms, One Toddler
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Looking forward to Vacation time
D and I have decided that spending a full week in the GTA sucks so we've decided that from now on we're either going away or breaking up our vacation to enjoy extra long weekends ottherwise our vacations seem to be wasted with trips to Ikea and Vaughn Mills mall.
We've already been to Walt Disney World and now we're looking to get away for a week in October. Our choices are:
1) Vancouver - However D mentioned this to her mother and now she wants to come (they have family in BC) so I refuse to go. We went on vacation with her last year and she drove me crazy. No Thank-you!!
2) LA & Disneyland - This a big contender but D has some weird fears of LA which I don't understand. She is obsessed with all things Hollywood yet she's certain we're going to get car-jacked/murdered. I cannot over emphasize how strange this is because I am the crazy one in the family. I should be the one with the irrational car-jacking fears!! The only other thing that is holding us back is that we're worried we're going to be majorly disappointed with DL. I really wish we had gone their first because WDW sets some pretty high standards.
3) Cape Cod/New England - This is winning out as far as D is concerned. We're looking at a resort on the Cape. We'll visit Boston, Newport, Provincetown and possibly Nantucket. I'll get my fill of corn chowda and be happy.
4) Disney's Hilton Head Island Resort - Temp would be between 77 and 58 degrees. I think that is warm enough. It's off season. Let's go and relax??
Looks like it will be Cape Cod/New England unless I can convince D to have another Disney vacation (=
We've already been to Walt Disney World and now we're looking to get away for a week in October. Our choices are:
1) Vancouver - However D mentioned this to her mother and now she wants to come (they have family in BC) so I refuse to go. We went on vacation with her last year and she drove me crazy. No Thank-you!!
2) LA & Disneyland - This a big contender but D has some weird fears of LA which I don't understand. She is obsessed with all things Hollywood yet she's certain we're going to get car-jacked/murdered. I cannot over emphasize how strange this is because I am the crazy one in the family. I should be the one with the irrational car-jacking fears!! The only other thing that is holding us back is that we're worried we're going to be majorly disappointed with DL. I really wish we had gone their first because WDW sets some pretty high standards.
3) Cape Cod/New England - This is winning out as far as D is concerned. We're looking at a resort on the Cape. We'll visit Boston, Newport, Provincetown and possibly Nantucket. I'll get my fill of corn chowda and be happy.
4) Disney's Hilton Head Island Resort - Temp would be between 77 and 58 degrees. I think that is warm enough. It's off season. Let's go and relax??
Looks like it will be Cape Cod/New England unless I can convince D to have another Disney vacation (=
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I'm feeling so down. With everything happening to the other people in my life I haven't had a lot of time to really think about how I feel about my own.
I feel like people are looking at us and thinking we've given up on TTC and that's not true.
I need a break because this has been so hard on me. Harder than I ever thought it would be. I shouldn't even go to pregnancy boards because it is absolutely depressing me.. There are times when I just can't believe it's been almost 12 months and I'm not pregnant and other times when I think there is no way I can go on trying right now. I remember in the beginning seeing people who were on their 9th or 10th try and that terrified me. I knew I couldn't do it. I know now that I can but I can't handle doing back to back cycles for months on end. It's breaking me.
It will be a year in September.
It's such a joke. I didn't want to start trying in July last year because I didn't want to be pregnant for my wedding and now I'm hoping I'm pregnant by my second anniversary.
I feel like people are looking at us and thinking we've given up on TTC and that's not true.
I need a break because this has been so hard on me. Harder than I ever thought it would be. I shouldn't even go to pregnancy boards because it is absolutely depressing me.. There are times when I just can't believe it's been almost 12 months and I'm not pregnant and other times when I think there is no way I can go on trying right now. I remember in the beginning seeing people who were on their 9th or 10th try and that terrified me. I knew I couldn't do it. I know now that I can but I can't handle doing back to back cycles for months on end. It's breaking me.
It will be a year in September.
It's such a joke. I didn't want to start trying in July last year because I didn't want to be pregnant for my wedding and now I'm hoping I'm pregnant by my second anniversary.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Letter to BIL
I'm seeing my MIL tonight and I am giving her this letter:
BIL,
We hope you will take the time to read this entire letter.
When called last week and asked if we would take (the children) it caught us by surprise. We told you we were going to have to make some phone calls to see what rights we had and what steps needed to be taken. Of those phone calls the first was to our lawyer who recommended we contact (Children's Services) to look into the program where children are placed with family members. After you had indicated SIL wanted to give custody for only a year we told you that we would only do that if (Children's Services) was involved since we would receive financial support. Since you said "SIL needed to make a decision by September” we made the call intending to discuss temporary custody however this turned into a discussion about why you were looking to give up the children. As such, a report was filed and they said they would be following up with you. They indicated the information we had provided would not result in the removal of the children. We also made sure you knew as soon as possible exactly what had happened.
We sincerely hope that you will take this opportunity to discuss your issues openly and not hide them to protect SIL (or yourself). We strongly feel you are in a situation you can no longer control and giving away the children is not the solution. Further, the thought of SIL saying she doesn’t understand “why we’d want them” concerns us greatly. She is sounding desperate and we’re beginning to wonder if she has Postpartum Depression.
BIL, we want to help you however it feels like you do not want that help. Your inaction makes you part of the problem. When your mother calls us it is always new stories about something SIL has done and how awful things are. It’s getting really old since we’ve been hearing these stories for years – even before your children existed. We do not get any pleasure from this gossip – it makes us ill with worry. How are you ever going to stop this? Have you called the lawyer yet? Do you understand your rights or are you only relying on information you’ve read online? We doubt things are going to get any better if you continue on your current path. The children are getting older and will act out when they begin to understand what is going on. (Nephew) is already getting a bad attitude and that isn’t funny at all, it’s very sad.
We would also like to address the statement that we have a “motive” that we are trying to take you children away from you. Our carrying cost on the condo is in excess of $****/month and we both work full time to support it. Do you know that when you asked if we’d take the children the first thing we did was look at our finances and we determined that to afford daycare for two young children in Toronto we would have to sell our condo and move into a rental unit? Do you also know that we would still want to have our own children but discussed waiting at least 4 years to make sure (Niece) would be in school? Does this sound selfish to you? Does this sound easy or fair for us to give up so much? So please do not accuse us of trying to steal your children.
We’re not sure when we’ll see or hear from you next. We understand that you are upset. All we can do is wait and hope that you do not turn your back on your family who loves you and wants to help you. You may not see this as the right thing now but we hope that it brings around a change that will make your life better.
We’re here when you’re ready.
BIL,
We hope you will take the time to read this entire letter.
When called last week and asked if we would take (the children) it caught us by surprise. We told you we were going to have to make some phone calls to see what rights we had and what steps needed to be taken. Of those phone calls the first was to our lawyer who recommended we contact (Children's Services) to look into the program where children are placed with family members. After you had indicated SIL wanted to give custody for only a year we told you that we would only do that if (Children's Services) was involved since we would receive financial support. Since you said "SIL needed to make a decision by September” we made the call intending to discuss temporary custody however this turned into a discussion about why you were looking to give up the children. As such, a report was filed and they said they would be following up with you. They indicated the information we had provided would not result in the removal of the children. We also made sure you knew as soon as possible exactly what had happened.
We sincerely hope that you will take this opportunity to discuss your issues openly and not hide them to protect SIL (or yourself). We strongly feel you are in a situation you can no longer control and giving away the children is not the solution. Further, the thought of SIL saying she doesn’t understand “why we’d want them” concerns us greatly. She is sounding desperate and we’re beginning to wonder if she has Postpartum Depression.
BIL, we want to help you however it feels like you do not want that help. Your inaction makes you part of the problem. When your mother calls us it is always new stories about something SIL has done and how awful things are. It’s getting really old since we’ve been hearing these stories for years – even before your children existed. We do not get any pleasure from this gossip – it makes us ill with worry. How are you ever going to stop this? Have you called the lawyer yet? Do you understand your rights or are you only relying on information you’ve read online? We doubt things are going to get any better if you continue on your current path. The children are getting older and will act out when they begin to understand what is going on. (Nephew) is already getting a bad attitude and that isn’t funny at all, it’s very sad.
We would also like to address the statement that we have a “motive” that we are trying to take you children away from you. Our carrying cost on the condo is in excess of $****/month and we both work full time to support it. Do you know that when you asked if we’d take the children the first thing we did was look at our finances and we determined that to afford daycare for two young children in Toronto we would have to sell our condo and move into a rental unit? Do you also know that we would still want to have our own children but discussed waiting at least 4 years to make sure (Niece) would be in school? Does this sound selfish to you? Does this sound easy or fair for us to give up so much? So please do not accuse us of trying to steal your children.
We’re not sure when we’ll see or hear from you next. We understand that you are upset. All we can do is wait and hope that you do not turn your back on your family who loves you and wants to help you. You may not see this as the right thing now but we hope that it brings around a change that will make your life better.
We’re here when you’re ready.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Saturday Part 2
We were supposed to go to the zoo today with the kids but that obviously fell through. My BIL is so angry with us he won't pick up the phone to even hear our side of the story. Oh well. I'm so sick of hearing all of his complaining about his life and doing nothing about it!! The two of them are just so stunned. How do they expect to ever solve their problems without something like this happening? I just hope that my BIL has the balls to speak up for himself and say how horrible his life is. He's completely despondent. According to my MIL he thinks we're doing this to get the kids. I knew it would look that way but we did what we felt had to be done. If I didn't think taking them in would mean a lifetime of dealing with their psycho mother I wouldn't argue his assumption however we know that taking in the kids would mean our SIL would harass us. It would be hell. Anyway, DW thinks it will probably be a year or more until we see the kids again.
Instead of the zoo we went down to Buskerfest to see my brother and father who were visiting town for the event. As soon as we got there we knew something was wrong. My dad started swearing like a sailor about how obnoxious my brother was being (not in front of my bro). The funny thing is that I've never heard my father swear like that before! He's no saint but he is very careful about "language" and always has been. I guess my brother was just being a bit too annoying for him to handle today. It must be hard to be 52 with a 9 year old and he's clearly not cut out for tweens in the new millenium. I can't help but laugh and think "and you thought I was bad?". We're meeting up with them again this afternoon to go swimming at the hotel with my bro and checking out some of the evening entertainment.
On the topic of my brother being spoiled.... He got a hamster when they got back from the island about 3 weeks ago. He'd been bugging for a hamster ever since the gerbil was eaten by the dog. Today he says to me: "Guess what? My Hamster is having babies". I LAUGHED - OMG the pet store sold them a knocked up rodent!! BUT NO... my FATHER had my aunt bring over her "boy hamster" and they let them do the hamster dance. Can you freakin' believe they did that? I asked my dad why and he said "for fun". Meanwhile my brother is going to want to keep all of the babies so I bet the next time I'm there his habitrail is going to be the size of his room.
Instead of the zoo we went down to Buskerfest to see my brother and father who were visiting town for the event. As soon as we got there we knew something was wrong. My dad started swearing like a sailor about how obnoxious my brother was being (not in front of my bro). The funny thing is that I've never heard my father swear like that before! He's no saint but he is very careful about "language" and always has been. I guess my brother was just being a bit too annoying for him to handle today. It must be hard to be 52 with a 9 year old and he's clearly not cut out for tweens in the new millenium. I can't help but laugh and think "and you thought I was bad?". We're meeting up with them again this afternoon to go swimming at the hotel with my bro and checking out some of the evening entertainment.
On the topic of my brother being spoiled.... He got a hamster when they got back from the island about 3 weeks ago. He'd been bugging for a hamster ever since the gerbil was eaten by the dog. Today he says to me: "Guess what? My Hamster is having babies". I LAUGHED - OMG the pet store sold them a knocked up rodent!! BUT NO... my FATHER had my aunt bring over her "boy hamster" and they let them do the hamster dance. Can you freakin' believe they did that? I asked my dad why and he said "for fun". Meanwhile my brother is going to want to keep all of the babies so I bet the next time I'm there his habitrail is going to be the size of his room.
Worry
My life is becoming too full of worry.
I worry that I caused my chemical pregnancy because I was so stressed out. I now more than ever want that BFP back because so many of our problems would have been solved.
When I thought the BFP was real I had all of these weird thoughts going through my mind like who WAS the little bean I was creating? Would they feel like a stranger? Would they look like the donor and I wouldn't even recognize my child? Would they look like me? Do I want a child that looks like me? Would DW love them? Would she leave me if it was too hard? Would I get Postpartum depression? What if DW died? Would I hate the baby if she wasn't there anymore? Was I going to have bad morning sickness? Would it stay for 9 months? Does pregnany hurt? Would we be able to afford mat leave? Would work give me a good job when I got back?
And then before I could even answer those questions my BFP was gone.
Immediately I thought a lot of the answers to those questions was to use my BIL as our donor. I was certain our kids would look a lot like his kids, DW would have a big stake in the kid becuase she'd be blood related and if anything ever happened I would have a child that was from DW family that would be her legacy. For some reason at the time I couldn't bear the thought of being left alone with a child that was not hers.
We're now 3 weeks away from the incident and with what has happened with my BIL I've had time to think more rationally about our decision to abandon the unknown route. A lot of my fears were that DW was going to leave me or die. It now sounds so irrational of me to think that way.
I also feel like I've been wrapped up so tightly into my BIL problems with his family that I've forgotten our path. That I am *J* and my wife is *D* and our family will be unique and our own. My desire to use my BIL really is a desire to hold onto something familiar in this crazy process.
I told DW Thursday night that I just wanted MY LIFE back. I don't want HIS life. I want us to create our family and I am so sick of his drama that it is making me ill. I love his kids and our door is always open but I am done thinking crazy things like buying a house big enough for us to live in some blended family harmony. I told her that is 100% off the table and it was stupid to even think it. We're losing US in the process of trying to save him. As far as his kids are concerned, there are undeniably problems in that household. We can no longer be responsible for all of it. We're not going to be part of their game of manipulation (which I really feel it is). So I did something drastic, I called children's services and told them. I said our door is open to the children if needed but that his family needs help that we can no longer provide.
I worry that I caused my chemical pregnancy because I was so stressed out. I now more than ever want that BFP back because so many of our problems would have been solved.
When I thought the BFP was real I had all of these weird thoughts going through my mind like who WAS the little bean I was creating? Would they feel like a stranger? Would they look like the donor and I wouldn't even recognize my child? Would they look like me? Do I want a child that looks like me? Would DW love them? Would she leave me if it was too hard? Would I get Postpartum depression? What if DW died? Would I hate the baby if she wasn't there anymore? Was I going to have bad morning sickness? Would it stay for 9 months? Does pregnany hurt? Would we be able to afford mat leave? Would work give me a good job when I got back?
And then before I could even answer those questions my BFP was gone.
Immediately I thought a lot of the answers to those questions was to use my BIL as our donor. I was certain our kids would look a lot like his kids, DW would have a big stake in the kid becuase she'd be blood related and if anything ever happened I would have a child that was from DW family that would be her legacy. For some reason at the time I couldn't bear the thought of being left alone with a child that was not hers.
We're now 3 weeks away from the incident and with what has happened with my BIL I've had time to think more rationally about our decision to abandon the unknown route. A lot of my fears were that DW was going to leave me or die. It now sounds so irrational of me to think that way.
I also feel like I've been wrapped up so tightly into my BIL problems with his family that I've forgotten our path. That I am *J* and my wife is *D* and our family will be unique and our own. My desire to use my BIL really is a desire to hold onto something familiar in this crazy process.
I told DW Thursday night that I just wanted MY LIFE back. I don't want HIS life. I want us to create our family and I am so sick of his drama that it is making me ill. I love his kids and our door is always open but I am done thinking crazy things like buying a house big enough for us to live in some blended family harmony. I told her that is 100% off the table and it was stupid to even think it. We're losing US in the process of trying to save him. As far as his kids are concerned, there are undeniably problems in that household. We can no longer be responsible for all of it. We're not going to be part of their game of manipulation (which I really feel it is). So I did something drastic, I called children's services and told them. I said our door is open to the children if needed but that his family needs help that we can no longer provide.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Rent-A-Kid
My BIL called us yesterday and said his wife wants us to adopt 2 of his kids.
Then he calls back today saying.. she said maybe for just one year because she may change her mind.
Then he calls back again and says... she said how about just one kid and then after the year maybe the other kid?
O. M. G.
Seriously, I really need a vacation to get away from this insanity! I'm not quite sure when my very normal, simple life turn into this?
Does his wife really think we are so desperate for kids that we will borrow hers? Let me think about that one. I'll take your kids and pay for them for the year ($14-$16,000 in day care minimum) and then you'll take them back? And hopefully I'll have them toilet trained too, right?
I think I'm so stunned by how stupid this is to even be upset. LORD HELP US.
Then he calls back today saying.. she said maybe for just one year because she may change her mind.
Then he calls back again and says... she said how about just one kid and then after the year maybe the other kid?
O. M. G.
Seriously, I really need a vacation to get away from this insanity! I'm not quite sure when my very normal, simple life turn into this?
Does his wife really think we are so desperate for kids that we will borrow hers? Let me think about that one. I'll take your kids and pay for them for the year ($14-$16,000 in day care minimum) and then you'll take them back? And hopefully I'll have them toilet trained too, right?
I think I'm so stunned by how stupid this is to even be upset. LORD HELP US.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
New Blog
I'm currently merging my old blog with my new blog... I like blogger better than live journal so I'm moving it on over... Please do not mind the construction.. work in progress.
Deleted
So I'm guilty of editing my previous posts so they are not as mean.
Anyway, DW had a nice long talk with her brother last night and I'm feeling so much better. We think he has good intentions but poor execution. He didn't want to tell us about Chicago on the weekend because he didn't want to "ruin a good time" and if he had, it would have. I think we should have found out about it earlier than we had but he did have a point. We had a good day trip with the kids, it was a lot of fun.
In a way I feel sorry for both my BIL & SIL. They have 3 kids under the age of 3.5 and one of them is special needs. It's a hard life and even more so when having them was not planned. No wonder they are having problems.
I also feel like I need to talk to him so he can hear my side. I want him to know that we do not want his kids (as in the ones he already has). We just want him to be in a good place and we want his children in a nurturing environment. Our intention has never been to take them away from him. We're willing to help in any way we can to get him in a position where he can provide for his family. I want him to know that it hurt when he didn't tell us he was trying to "make it work" while still laying it on pretty thick to us. When they first split I knew he'd go back to his wife. If he does I just hope it is for the right reasons.
Anyway, DW had a nice long talk with her brother last night and I'm feeling so much better. We think he has good intentions but poor execution. He didn't want to tell us about Chicago on the weekend because he didn't want to "ruin a good time" and if he had, it would have. I think we should have found out about it earlier than we had but he did have a point. We had a good day trip with the kids, it was a lot of fun.
In a way I feel sorry for both my BIL & SIL. They have 3 kids under the age of 3.5 and one of them is special needs. It's a hard life and even more so when having them was not planned. No wonder they are having problems.
I also feel like I need to talk to him so he can hear my side. I want him to know that we do not want his kids (as in the ones he already has). We just want him to be in a good place and we want his children in a nurturing environment. Our intention has never been to take them away from him. We're willing to help in any way we can to get him in a position where he can provide for his family. I want him to know that it hurt when he didn't tell us he was trying to "make it work" while still laying it on pretty thick to us. When they first split I knew he'd go back to his wife. If he does I just hope it is for the right reasons.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Follow-up
Here's the story..
D spoke to her mom tonight and got the scoop of what's going on. Apparently she (MIL) has yelled at my BIL already for being stupid and irresponsible. She also said that "if he had relations she hopes he used protection" and he confirmed that he does "always". I can't say that I trust or believe that but all 3 kids were unplanned so maybe after the 3rd he learned a lesson... Hopefully. .
His side of the story is that they went to "try to make it work" I'm not sure I believe it???
REGARDLESS, there is no excuse for him taking off like that without telling anyone, leaving his kids at a babysitter while he's left the country.... AND there is no excuse for him to not tell us over the weekend. He should have known we'd be upset. He hadn't told his mom either and she was A-N-G-R-Y when she found out!
We BOTH agree that we're furious with him and that this has caused us serious doubts about his honesty however we're not sure what to think until we talk to him. It's sad that this has happened because I really wanted to help him... I still want to help the kids.
That said, DW had a meltdown because she wants him as our KD. She understands why I'm uncomfortable and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust him enough. Seeing my wife cry and say that she is disappointed kills me. I'm totally lost, not sure what to do. We discussed using a cryo as a designated known donor but it's expensive ($1000 intake + $400 per sample + cost for serological testing). For now we're going to take it one day at a time. IF my BIL can make me trust him again I may think of using him. I feel like the a-hole now but what can you really do? I sometimes feel punished by this process. It's not supposed to be easy for two people of the same sex to have kids and my feelings towards biology have transferred over to my wife and now she wants a bio related child as well. I mean, it's only fair. Right?
I guess the good news is that I stopped crying somewhere around mid-day. After hearing my BIL side of things from my MIL makes me feel like an idiot for wanting to believe him but this is what WE want. We're not worried that he's going to sue us or anything (for custody) but I am worried he's going to give me an STD. I think I have just cause... he also has every right to "have relations" with his wife but DO NOT PLAY IT UP LIKE SHE IS EVIL.
If only there could be a solution... if I'd gotten pregnant months ago this wouldn't even be something to discuss.
D spoke to her mom tonight and got the scoop of what's going on. Apparently she (MIL) has yelled at my BIL already for being stupid and irresponsible. She also said that "if he had relations she hopes he used protection" and he confirmed that he does "always". I can't say that I trust or believe that but all 3 kids were unplanned so maybe after the 3rd he learned a lesson... Hopefully. .
His side of the story is that they went to "try to make it work" I'm not sure I believe it???
REGARDLESS, there is no excuse for him taking off like that without telling anyone, leaving his kids at a babysitter while he's left the country.... AND there is no excuse for him to not tell us over the weekend. He should have known we'd be upset. He hadn't told his mom either and she was A-N-G-R-Y when she found out!
We BOTH agree that we're furious with him and that this has caused us serious doubts about his honesty however we're not sure what to think until we talk to him. It's sad that this has happened because I really wanted to help him... I still want to help the kids.
That said, DW had a meltdown because she wants him as our KD. She understands why I'm uncomfortable and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust him enough. Seeing my wife cry and say that she is disappointed kills me. I'm totally lost, not sure what to do. We discussed using a cryo as a designated known donor but it's expensive ($1000 intake + $400 per sample + cost for serological testing). For now we're going to take it one day at a time. IF my BIL can make me trust him again I may think of using him. I feel like the a-hole now but what can you really do? I sometimes feel punished by this process. It's not supposed to be easy for two people of the same sex to have kids and my feelings towards biology have transferred over to my wife and now she wants a bio related child as well. I mean, it's only fair. Right?
I guess the good news is that I stopped crying somewhere around mid-day. After hearing my BIL side of things from my MIL makes me feel like an idiot for wanting to believe him but this is what WE want. We're not worried that he's going to sue us or anything (for custody) but I am worried he's going to give me an STD. I think I have just cause... he also has every right to "have relations" with his wife but DO NOT PLAY IT UP LIKE SHE IS EVIL.
If only there could be a solution... if I'd gotten pregnant months ago this wouldn't even be something to discuss.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Betrayed
&%$# my brother-in-law. Seriously.
He is a liar.
Aside from selfishly thinking about our TTC woes I have spent weeks in a constant state of worry over his 3 kids and getting him out of a bad situation with his wife. We have considered selling our Condo and moving to a less desirable neighbourhood to afford a house big enough to take him in (with kids) until he can get on his feet. BIL is telling us he is in a bitter separation with his wife. Living at home only because he's afraid to leave the kids behind.
Last week my MIL calls us freaking out because she hasn't heard from him in 3 days. Apparently BIL and his wife had a big fight and then no word from them at all. Finally on the 4th day he calls saying all is well. As far as we know, no explanation was giving.
BIL brings the kids into the city this weekend and we have a nice day out. The whole time he's talking about how horrible things are.
I'm COMPLETELY bent out of shape over this.
With all that said (minus pretty much all of the awful details) I am in complete awe over what he has done. I log onto facebook tonight and he's posted pictures of HIS TRIP TO CHICAGO with his wife last week. You know those days where he was out of contact with his mother? He was in Chicago!!! You've got to be %$#ing kidding me.
The pictures even make me angrier. They're of him and his wife as a loving couple (hugging, kissing). NOT of a couple waging war with three little kids at home.
And where are the kids?
I guess with the babysitter.
I can't believe this.
I told my wife that her brother have mis-labeled the pictures and it couldn't be from this year. She refused to ask him if it was so I logged onto her facebook and asked him. I'm annoyed that she doesn't seem to be nearly as upset as I am. I feel so betrayed by him.
I also told her that I didn't think I could use him as our KD. This breaks my heart into about a thousand pieces and I'm sitting here crying thinking that our TTC journey is OVER because I don't want to go back to using unknown and now (as far as I am concerned) we've lost him.
I have no idea what we are going to do. I really thought he was honest and true and just in a really bad situation. I'm not going to put my health in his hands. Plus - I feel awful for his kids. He is seriously going to ruin them if all of his other stories are true.
I don't even know anymore. Who can you trust if you can't even trust your family?
Oh and I canceled my appointment at the new clinic because I thought we had things all worked out. Apparently not. What on earth am I going to do now?
He is a liar.
Aside from selfishly thinking about our TTC woes I have spent weeks in a constant state of worry over his 3 kids and getting him out of a bad situation with his wife. We have considered selling our Condo and moving to a less desirable neighbourhood to afford a house big enough to take him in (with kids) until he can get on his feet. BIL is telling us he is in a bitter separation with his wife. Living at home only because he's afraid to leave the kids behind.
Last week my MIL calls us freaking out because she hasn't heard from him in 3 days. Apparently BIL and his wife had a big fight and then no word from them at all. Finally on the 4th day he calls saying all is well. As far as we know, no explanation was giving.
BIL brings the kids into the city this weekend and we have a nice day out. The whole time he's talking about how horrible things are.
I'm COMPLETELY bent out of shape over this.
With all that said (minus pretty much all of the awful details) I am in complete awe over what he has done. I log onto facebook tonight and he's posted pictures of HIS TRIP TO CHICAGO with his wife last week. You know those days where he was out of contact with his mother? He was in Chicago!!! You've got to be %$#ing kidding me.
The pictures even make me angrier. They're of him and his wife as a loving couple (hugging, kissing). NOT of a couple waging war with three little kids at home.
And where are the kids?
I guess with the babysitter.
I can't believe this.
I told my wife that her brother have mis-labeled the pictures and it couldn't be from this year. She refused to ask him if it was so I logged onto her facebook and asked him. I'm annoyed that she doesn't seem to be nearly as upset as I am. I feel so betrayed by him.
I also told her that I didn't think I could use him as our KD. This breaks my heart into about a thousand pieces and I'm sitting here crying thinking that our TTC journey is OVER because I don't want to go back to using unknown and now (as far as I am concerned) we've lost him.
I have no idea what we are going to do. I really thought he was honest and true and just in a really bad situation. I'm not going to put my health in his hands. Plus - I feel awful for his kids. He is seriously going to ruin them if all of his other stories are true.
I don't even know anymore. Who can you trust if you can't even trust your family?
Oh and I canceled my appointment at the new clinic because I thought we had things all worked out. Apparently not. What on earth am I going to do now?
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Clinic News
On Friday I canceled the consult I had with the new clinic since I'm sticking with clinic #1. I figure I'm so lucky to have them doing free monitoring and administration of meds while using a Known Donor so I should just stick with them. Helping this decision was receiving the intake package from the new place and seeing that they charge for a lot things that are free for me now.
We're still on hold but I don't think we're going to wait as long as we originally thought. I think we're going to start back up again by November.
We're still on hold but I don't think we're going to wait as long as we originally thought. I think we're going to start back up again by November.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Appointment
I had my RE appointment today and I was a total sucker as usual and didn't really speak up. I'm not in the mood to fight with anyone right now so I sat through the "facts". She has me going for a bunch of diagnostic b/w and also has asked that I do another HSG. I told her I was "on break" trying to sort out what we'd be doing and I mentioned our KD and she agreed that I could continue to use the clinic for cycle monitoring and medication but I can't have the clinic do IUI unless the sperm is frozen and held 6 months. I'm feeling pretty good about that so I think we're going to stick it out to get all of the dx work out of the way (I'll hold off the HSG until the cycle before we start again) and use the clinic instead of OPK wiht our KD. I think I can tolerate them more when I'm not spending thousands on sperm that they're holding hostage. I may be a sucker for punishment.I know I should switch clinics like I was going to... I have a consult on the 27th with the new location however being on break is not the best time to switch and my current place does seem to have a pretty relaxed attitude about me doing at home inseminations while using their services... and do not seem to care that I'm breaking on and off. I think their apathetic attitude may actually be working for me with my new plan.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Confused (again)
I'm feeling pretty good right now other than being the most confused person ever! DW has admit that she pushed the idea of a break and a trip to Europe because she thought it would make me happy and I needed it. I thought it was what she wanted before getting pregnant. Well now we're at an impasse - or possibly not. I think we both want to keep trying but are too afraid to admit it after what just happened.
I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow and I'm going to go in for my blood work to see if I have PCOS . I'm going to suggest I do a couple of diagnostic cycles to sort out why I have gone from regular to wonky but I'm going to set those cycles for 2 months from now because our KD still needs some time and so do I. I'm hoping if this plan works I will not need to rely on OPK and will still use the services of the clinic just without the IUI.
Last night I had a dream that I was taking my KD to get tested but it wasn't my KD it was a friend. A very crazy dream but clearly an indication of what is on my mind. I think I had that same dream all night long or at least it was the one I woke up to!
I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow and I'm going to go in for my blood work to see if I have PCOS . I'm going to suggest I do a couple of diagnostic cycles to sort out why I have gone from regular to wonky but I'm going to set those cycles for 2 months from now because our KD still needs some time and so do I. I'm hoping if this plan works I will not need to rely on OPK and will still use the services of the clinic just without the IUI.
Last night I had a dream that I was taking my KD to get tested but it wasn't my KD it was a friend. A very crazy dream but clearly an indication of what is on my mind. I think I had that same dream all night long or at least it was the one I woke up to!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
BFN for sure
AF arrived today so it's official. I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. Getting pregnant on this cycle was going to be a bonus since it would have solved a lot of our problems (switching clinics vs. using a known donor, questioning PCOS etc.) however when I thought I did get pregnant I got really nervous and felt regret. Regret is not something I'd want to feel when I finally get my BFP and I know it was because of one thing - I am so very aware now that want to use our KD (DW's brother) and have a child that is bio related to DW. This has been more than an eye opening experience it has taught me so much about what I want and need. It's ironic that I'm the one who is hung up on genetics and not DW (who doesn't care about it at all) since I will be the "bio" mom but I feel so strongly about this that I would rather carry DW's egg with donor sperm I want it so badly. This was not an option until very recently when DW finally agreed to use her brother and her brother agreed (plus the blessing of their mother). I wanted to start right away but we did what was best and went with our leftover unknown for the last clinic try. I had asked the question - what if we get pregnant and thought it would be exactly what we wanted so who cares where the sperm came from? I guess I answered that question - loud and clear. I'd always wanted to use our KD - from day 1 so this was something BIG for me.
So we're switching to our KD but taking a break first. I have a number of things I need to clean-up from the past year of focusing only on TTC. We've also decided that in the spring next year we're going to go on a backpacking trip through Europe to celebrate our 10th anniversary. After that will start up again. By then my BIL should be in a much better place and we'll be able to start TTC again.
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