The Burden and Blessing of Time

Ugh.  I feel like this is always such an issue.  When do I have time to do anything?  I mean things that are not doing the dishes, doing the laundry, feeding the baby, or as of the past two weeks, watching a rowdy puppy.  And then cleaning up her pee.  Changing a diaper.   Rinse, repeat. 

I have a job that is supposed to be full time and a good source of  our income.  But, well, right now, I need to clone myself.  At least 8 times.  There is the baby feeder, the dog trainer, the chef, the chauffeur, the wife.  The house cleaner.  Then there's the Realtor.  It's so hard to get anything done. I mean, seriously.  I need a real estate assistant too.  I need to go after more listings, get more business going.  It has picked up some, but it is no where near the rate it should be.  We keep having houses going up in our neighborhood, on our street, and of course, none of them are listed with me.  I have said for years that my neighborhood is prime for listings, but haven't ever had time to go around and try to drum up business.

I am currently avoiding about 5 different things just to even post here.  I have photos to edit, which is becoming one of those things I rarely do, and my pictures are just hanging out on my computer.  If I  post to Facebook, it's usually pictures from my phone.  I want to change that.  I need to take more pictures of the kids, the baby, the puppy, our life.  It's one of those things I can't believe has gone to the wayside, as it is just so easy sometimes to use the phone. 

Every year, we have gone apple picking.  I have come to view it as a opportunity for photos as much as for getting apples.  This year, the light was awful to me.  Full speckled sun.  And you know what is harder than getting three kids to look at a camera?  Four kids.  And a puppy.  But we tried.  And since I still don't know how to go back and catch up properly, I'm just going to dump the pictures here. 

But first, just a little story about the puppy.  We lost Lily right before Thanksgiving last year.  Lily had been our faithful loving companion for 12 years.  She had started to look older, like she wasn't doing very well, getting slower, having accidents.  She died one night in her sleep, in her favorite spot on the couch, while I slept on the other end of it.  It was a perfect way to go, for a beloved family dog.  It was the absolute saddest thing.  Since it was early morning, the kids stayed home from school, my parents came right over and Andy and I took our first baby to the vet to be cremated.  I was very pregnant, and very sad, especially that Lily wouldn't meet this new baby.

It took months to decide to adopt a new puppy.  Finally over the summer, we rescued a puppy named Zoe.  We brought her home, fell in love with her, the kids did an awesome job with her, and after she had been with us 5 days, she fell off our back deck and we had to put her down.  It was the most horrible thing.  It was a freak accident, we felt so guilty and heartbroken.  Zoe Matilda, loved and lost at only 8 weeks old. 

But I will tell you something that was hard to admit.  To me, she never quite felt right.  She smelled different.  She was great with the kids, they were great with her, but she didn't seem like, well, like Lily. 

Just over a month later, I saw a post from the rescue group, and there was a litter of chocolate labs that was coming in.  Ben's favorites are chocolate labs.  I swallowed my guilt, called the lady in charge and a couple of weeks later, here comes Pippa. 

I don't know how to explain it.  She is bigger, she is so lab, but she smells like Lily did.  She reminds me of her as a puppy.  And this long legged puppy is the one I believe we were meant to have. 

So if you are keeping up with the tragedy around here, we lost the cat last year, we lost the dog, we lost a baby, we lost my Gram, we lost a puppy.  We need more happy in our lives!  Time heals, time passes, and we live and love on. 

This past Sunday, as I mentioned we took the kids apple picking.  Just to jump in to present day here, I want to post some current pictures.  The good, the bad, and the ugly from the orchard.

Here's the sweet baby we have abruptly dropped into this old blog.    

First apple!  He is starting to gum foods, loves the purees, but really, really loves his milks.

 These two.   Sweet sisters, they've been very good together lately.

 I had to pass off the baby to Daddy since he kept trying to help me take the pictures.  He is very helpful with all kinds of things.  Eating cereal, drinking coffee,  picking up things he finds on the floor, working on the computer.  I forgot this stage.   

 He's awfully cute though. 

It's probably time to get her glasses adjusted, she's always peering over them like an old lady.  

 Always ready for the camera

 So pretty

Let's just pick one for the calendar shall we?

These are great.  He loves his sissies.

 Better

 I am crazy about this baby

 Who would have guessed.  Boy have the pictures changed.

 
But the love, it stays the same.  One couple, married 11 years this summer.  4 sweet and sassy kids.  One puppy with big floppy ears that behave, and paws that smell a little like Fritos. 

 

One Week in February

They say a picture is worth 1000 words.  And this one is going to take more than that, maybe, to explain why there's a big gap in this blog, and how life is going now, and how this one picture could explain so much of why it is what it is.  How one day now in September,  I am finally writing it down, but I am going to go back to one week in February, when life changed for better and for worse.

In that one picture above are two very important people.    Our fourth child, Nathaniel John who was born on February 13th, 2017, and my beloved Gram who passed away on February 21, 2017.   7 days and 12 hours later.  I couldn't look at these few pictures for a long time.   When we got the call on this day, February 18th, the news was that it wasn't looking good.   That if we wanted to get up to say goodbye, if we wanted Gram to be able to meet the baby,  this was the time to come.   He was 5 days old.  We marched right back into the hospital where I had delivered him, all covered up in his car seat and with me leaking milk.   It was her last mostly coherent night.  We talked about baseball, we talked about the baby, and she held him on her lap, smiled at him, touched him, and marveled over his tiny toes and fingers.  Her fourth beloved great grand baby, named in part for her husband, my Grandpa John.

But I should fill in other gaps.  How I last posted early in January 2016 and had high hopes of continuing this blog.  How on January 29th, on a whim, thinking I was late and that was weird, I took a pregnancy test and saw a very faint, let me squint at that line. We freaked out, just a little.  We told  the kids because we were going to Disneyworld, and Mommy felt sick and couldn't ride the rollercoasters.  How we bought the baby a little stuffed Roo and Ben excitedly told the lady that we were having another baby.  How about a week after we got back at an appointment we found out we lost the baby.  How the kids grieved, and cried, and broke my heart even more, because we had just started to get used to the idea of having four kids, and Ben thought we would have to return Roo.

How that spring got busy, and I slept with that Roo,  and mourned the idea of the baby and my kids all getting a chance to be big siblings over again.  How we said out loud again and again to each other that we could mourn that baby, but really, it was for the best.  How we danced, and did scouts, and played baseball, and softball and danced some more.

How the week of recital in early June I spent each day prepared because my period should come and it didn't.  How I told Andy I was 98% sure I was pregnant because my boobs hurt like crazy, and that was not normal.  And how again, I ran out to Walmart to get a test, and  this time two big bold pink lines told me I was  right.  How the second night of recital, in the dressing room, I was freaking out, and trying to hide it, and starting to feel queasy.

This time we were more cautious with the news.  I told a few friends, possibly too many, and we went to the doctor.  We waited to tell the kids.  We passed the zone where we have lost babies, got up to about 13 weeks and told the kids the reason mommy hadn't felt good all summer.  They celebrated, they worried, and not long after that, we found out it was a boy, and it just felt right.  Still not real, but right.  

How getting pregnant when your other kids are 5 and 7 is kind of crazy and surreal, and how you  feel so.much.older with this baby.  How I spent weeks feeling like I couldn't eat at all, and had to go to the hospital for fluids.

How at Christmastime,  I worried more and more about my Grandmother.  How she started seeming weaker and stopped going to church in January.  How I sat down with my parents and said, you cannot leave Gram here with me, like this.  That she needed to get into assisted living, or something if I was going to be responsible for her when they were in Florida.  Thank goodness they were already here because of the baby coming.  Thank goodness we got her to the hospital when we did, but for her, the hospital was the first step, but then she never got to go back home.

The last few weeks before baby were full of stress and worry.  Hospital turned into rehab, I waddled in almost every day to see her, grumpily telling her I would probably be back the next day still pregnant, because I was never going to have him.   We talked about his name,  first name unknown for so long (well, I think I knew it),  but middle name decided to be John.  She asked about the dates, again and again of when he was due.  The day finally came that I was induced.  My mom, in the middle, Grandma not doing well in rehab, and me, in the hospital having the baby.

My actual birth story is strange to  me still.  How we went in for an induction but I was already having contractions.  How I went from mild contractions, to having my water break to bouncing on  a ball with my family there and then deciding I was done with pain and was ready for the epidural.  How after the epidural I started having trouble seeing.  When I told the nurse that,  I think things started going faster.  There was not feeling right, to a lot of puking, to a lot of people checking on me and then we were pushing.  Out he came in less than 10 minutes,  and at 2:36 pm, we had a 7lb 4oz baby boy.  19 inches.  Sweet as can be.  He made a sound when he came out that sounded more like a laugh than a cry.  He "talked" and hummed for the first day or so.  The kids got to come and meet him that night and they were in love.  I am pretty sure Andy took some pictures, but I don't know where they are.  It's blurry, the first two weeks because of worry about my Grandma, then the loss, then the funeral, and holding up my mother.  It's blurry because adding a fourth baby means no change in the normal routine, school, dance class, scouts, homework, etc, but having a newborn baby that doesn't give a hoot about your normal routine.

We had our newborn photos on the Monday after he was born.  My friend Wendy did an amazing job.  Thank God we had her booked because I never would have gotten pictures.  We were a bit of a mess, we were worried about Gram and clothes were last minute, but we got some fabulous pictures.

That was the day they were moving Gram to hospice.  That afternoon  I took the baby with me and got to see our favorite minister and his wife, my parents and my honorary aunt who loved my Grandma so much.  Everyone left and Nate and I had some peace with her.  I talked to her out loud (she was in a coma at this point), I watched TV and quietly nursed him and held him while he slept.

When it was time to leave, I think it was close to 11.   I was exhausted.  I didn't want to leave her alone, but I found an old Indians game on TV and left it on.  I talked to her and told her it was okay to go, that we understood.  How glad I was to have had her meet the baby, that I loved her so much, and was so sorry she couldn't have had more time with him, that he won't remember her.  But I always will, and will always know that they had that time together in the end.

We got the call at 2 am that she was gone.   The nurse was very kind.  One week.  One week  and 12  hours after he was born.  In my heart, I absolutely know that she was waiting to meet him.  That she watches over him especially, and that he will always have part of her in him.

So that's my one week in February.  I have wanted to do this post for months.  Nate is 7.5 months old and the happiest, sweetest baby.  He's a total mama's boy and is just a delight to everyone he meets.  He rarely cries, mostly when he is hungry or tired, or both.  The big three, as my big kids are going by in my head these days, love him so much.  They help me with him,  watch him, rock him, give him bottles, change him, snuggle and read to him.  It is amazing to watch.  Maggie is such a little mommy, she seems to know exactly what he needs, and he really loves her so much.  It's the sweetest thing.  Ben and Maggie are in third grade and love to read.  Mia just started Kindergarten this year.   We have a new puppy.  Life is crazy, and busy, and I am always behind on dishes and laundry.  As we've gone through milestones with Nate, and I have tried to remember when the big kids did things, I have gone back to this blog again and again.  I don't know how much I can update, but I want to start using this again as my memory keeper.  So that Nate isn't going to have a total blank from mommy's memory when he asks me things like what his first word was or when he started to walk.

I have more gaps to fill, and I will try, I think, or we will just jump right in with this crazy life right now.  My family of 6 that I never in my wildest dreams imagined having, but can't imagine any other way.  Here we are.  No longer blogging because of peer pressure, but to keep my memories in one place of this amazing little family of mine.

Sunshine in January

It has been a very weird winter.  Shorts weather at Christmastime, Springlike temperatures in January.  One week of cold and snowy, and now back to feeling like Spring.  Or maybe Fall.  It's bizarre.  It's unsettling.  It makes you wonder what might happen next.

I keep hearing about other people's bad news.  Divorce after many, many years of marriage.  A recent house explosion in my home town that turned out to be a murder suicide of a family.  The death of one of my Grandmother's very best friends, a friend she has had for 50+ years.

And cancer.  I would like to say a screw you to cancer.  Yesterday it was the not quite two year old son of a coworker of my husbands.  Today, a friend from back in the Multiples board days who beat cancer 3 1/2 years ago, but will fight it again now that it has reappeared in her liver and bones.  My heart is just so heavy.

It is hard for me think of these things and not worry about myself, my family, my friends even more.  Anxiety for things that could happen, sadness for not being able to help in real positive ways.  The day of the funeral, I picked up my Grandmother to take her and to be there for her.  She introduced me to people I knew already, but kept saying how nice it was that I drove in all the way from Stow to pick her up.  It's 20 minutes.  If you think I wouldn't go 20 minutes for a family member or friend who needed me, well, you don't know me.  I am a big fan of Glennon Doyle on Momastery, and one of my favorite posts of hers is about her mother, but there's a line about how you show up for your people.  When they are hurting, when they are scared, when they are alone, you pack up a bag and you go.

I don't know what it is about stuff like this.  I ache.  I wish there was something I could do.  I don't know what I would do there, but in my heart my bags are packed, and I'm ready.

But here's my sunshine in January.  These kids.  More sunshine than not, unless you try to wake them up in the morning when they are unwilling.

January 20 - Ben has a journal now that he needs to write in every night.  His teacher writes back and it is super cute.  This morning we must have forgotten because here he is trying to do it with breakfast.

January 21 - These two are so cute sometimes.  Actually, almost always.  Mia adores her older sister, and will do anything she wants most of the time.  They have been playing fashion shows and makeup and all kinds of things.  I love, love, love the fact that they are close, and I hope they always will be.  

January 22 - The day before this, I took Grandma to the funeral of one of her best friends.  I have known Lois my entire life and she has been like family.  It's hard to go to a funeral for anyone.  It's harder to take your 96 year old grandmother and have her talking about how they do such a nice job at that funeral home.  One thing I learned though, I have a new goal in life.  Live your life in such a way that it is standing room only at your funeral.  She was an amazing woman.

The kids had the next day off so we picked up Gram for lunch and to visit at her house a bit.  These kids love their Baba.  She let me sweep her house after we put the vacuum back together, but she wouldn't let me do much of anything else to help.  Strong and independent.      

January 23 - Our first Pinewood Derby!  Ben and Daddy worked hard on his car (behind him for the photo, my camera died right after this picture, grrr.) the Buckeye Bullet.  He got an award for the Best Sports Themed Car and Second place for all the Tiger Cubs.  We were very proud of him, he was very, very nervous about the whole thing.  

January 24 - Sometimes the kids do the sweetest things.  On this morning Ben decided to surprise us by making breakfast.  He was very nervous we figured out the surprise, but we needed to get downstairs to make the coffee.  Maggie got involved and so the menu happened.  I LOVE first grade spelling.  

January 25 - And jump.  God does this little girl love ballet.  Watching her this week for observation, I think it's safe to say that she will continue with it.  Such a serious little dancer, and so graceful and poised last night.  She so didn't get that from me.

January 26 - This little Daisy is selling girl scout cookies for the first time.  Anyone want to buy some?  We have totally been slacking in the cookie sales.  

That's this week.  No photos swapped in for a day, except the one cell phone pic, these are all just about straight out of the camera.  I love this camera.

Until the next week installment.  . . .

Two Weeks. . . .still going

So far, I have fewer pictures taken at 11:55, but more pictures of that youngest child of mine.  Mainly because she spends more time with me, and she's always willing to pose, lol.  I take more pictures these days with my phone than I used to, so I will be peppering some of them into my project photos, since they are mainly things that happen in my day on the fly.  

No major news here, just hanging around.  Schools back in session after a three day weekend, and we all have a bit of a cold.  Here's my week!  

January 11 - Well, it snowed.  We have had the weirdest winter.  No snow for Christmas, warmer weather than you would imagine, and now coming back to school, we have some chillier weather and snow finally.  The kids are excited.  Just cold.  

Mia defies the weather and continues to wear her favorite dresses.  Since we spent that whole day inside, it was a great choice for one of the coldest days we have had.  Oh, and yes, that IS our Christmas tree tipped over on the deck.  It was windy too.

January 12 - Mia loves to help shovel the snow.  And play in it.  And wear cute hats.  That hat was Maggie's for two years in preschool and it just fits her little sister's personality perfectly.

January 13 - This little girl loves to shop with me.  She is so easy, and it makes me really wonder what happens when people only have one.  I know that I would never have had one four year old, but it is just so nice sometimes just her and me.  This is her helping me by holding our list at Kreigers.  When we go there, usually about once a week, she charms so many people, and she is the biggest fan of one of the cashiers there.  She loves to watch for Miss Karen and to go through her line.  She is the president of her fan club for sure.  

January 14 - Not as organized as I was last year, but I am working to do at least part of an organizational challenge this month.  In the kitchen, my biggest thing this last week was that I cleaned out the whole refrigerator and it looks so sparkly and clean.  Plus I got to use my new label maker.  For Andy.  Plus, the kids who know how to read and stuff.

January 15 - Daddy's girl.  Sometimes.  She's usually just all about me.  She sings songs about me and tells me she loves me 32 times a day.  

January 16 - Maggie has taken to sitting on heating vents.  It's pretty funny.  She's just too scrawny for cold weather, but it just reminds me of a cat.  

January 17 - These are the moments.  They asked me for a sleepover and Mia refused, but these two dragged their two little mattresses into Maggie's room, got together about 15 lovies each and snuggled up for sleep and photos.  I don't know if I have ever seen them look so much alike as they do in this picture!  

January 18 - The thing about days off when they are all home, and I have stuff to do.  I tell Andy this, they only play nicely, quietly and without bickering when they are making a big old mess.  This was just another birthday party for one of the lovies.  There were legos, snacks, drinks, and every little people house involved.  We have basically given up our living room, the empty room of requirement that so far only has random furniture.  I would like to get a couch in there someday.  

  

January 19 - And then today.  Mia was not quite herself last night, and feeling a little sick.  I let her stay home with me today, and after sleeping until 10, she mostly seemed recovered.  I figured she needed the sleep, and well, it's preschool.  

This is how she lined everyone up for a TV show.  

And that's it.  Just a normal week.  Sold a house, working on finalizing our plans for Disney and trying to catch up on way too much laundry.  

Happy January!