trust issues

So, this topic has been a long time coming. A very, very long time coming. It's the word "anxious".

I feel like it's a lighter case of the word "worried", but it still carries a similar root. Lack of trust.

Throughout the past couple of years post-college, I feel like the Lord has taken me through several seasons. Seasons I would never have expected for myself, but they were perfect in timing and catalysts for my spiritual growth. During these times, I would love to say that I walked through the trials with patience, resting in the unknown, but I would be a big, fat liar.

I wrestle with the idea of patience, a waiting room, unclear answers, and not knowing the next step in life. I am a control freak.. which has always been true, I've justified it in my mind in a lot nicer terms. I like to know whats happening now, what will happen tomorrow, how I can plan for that, and it's not possible.

When I get caught up in these thoughts, I am revealing a complete lack of trust in the Lord. I had a great conversation with my dad last night when he reminded me of hindsight. He told me to think back to where I was a year ago: confused on what I wanted to do in life, desiring to one day be a wife and have a family, but knowing I couldn't just wait on that to happen. The Lord has been ever-faithful. He has guided each step in ways I would have never thought for myself. However, He is better. He knows the way I take.

Recently, I've been anxious about landing a teaching job for the fall: where it is going to be, am I going to be able to manage a classroom. This anxiety will not add anything to life, except take joy. I'm praying that my heart rest in this uncertainty, in the Lord's quiet presence. I'm reminded of one of my favorite verses in Job. Think about this, Job, a man that lived a life that was blameless that the Lord challenged the enemy to tempt him. Job lost everything. I am comforted, because even Job felt like the Lord was silent. However, I love Job's response:

"Behold, I go forward, but He is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive Him; on the left hand when He is working, I do not behold Him; He turns to the right hand, but I do not see Him. But He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me, I shall come out as gold." - Job 23:8-10

May we rest in this. Give up the control struggle. Stop trying to be in the know. Just rest in the Lord's burden.. for His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

yes.. i bet you didn't think i would.

My sweet friend/former nook-mate from college, Annie Lu recently "tagged" me in a blog of hers to list out the top 10 things that make me happy. How often do I respond to these sort of things? Nearly never. Why start now? It's an early morning at work, and I'm feeling crazy. That, and I haven't seen my Annie in quite a while.. Shout out, girl! So, without further ado I hereby impart to you a list of my "happy" things.

top 10 in descending order:

#10 Avocados
If you are what you eat, I'd be an avocado. Give me guac, turkey & avocado sandwich, or one by itself, I'm satisfied.

#9 Dancing
I LOVE performing.. there are days that my heart just aches to be on stage again.. tap, ballet, pointe, jazz, hip hop. Ah. Also, I love salsa dancing or two-steppin' with my main man.

#8 My sweet family & niece Landry Kay:)

Landry is a whoppin' 13 1/2 months now, and she, along with my family, have been a tremendous blessing. Just look at that face.. it'll make you melt. We're working on expanding her vocabulary away from just "dog". Aunt Jenn is comin' soon..

#7 Blue sky days, light breeze, windows down, music up.
After this harsh winter, I am MORE than ready for spring time. Gimme some sunshine!

#6 The Village Church
To put into words the immense blessing this body of believers has been is almost an impossibility. Love the Truth taught ever Sunday. Love seeing the Spirit move in lives.

#5 Awkward middle school students
Having observed and beginning to student teach this semester has confirmed my love for those awkward but wonderful middle school kids. In one moment you are thinking "are you serious?" and in another you are just dying laughing at the pure ridiculousness. I cannot wait to hopefully have a classroom of my own next fall and inspire these young minds to LOVE math.

#4 Romans and my home group
Loving this study with my "home"girls.

#3 Soy, no water, chai lattes for early mornings such as this
My saving grace on those 4:30 a.m. mornings.. If you haven't had one, bite the bullet and order it from your local barista. You will thank me later.

#2 My community of friends the Lord has blessed me with in this life.
If I truly step back and look at who the Lord has brought into my life over the span of my almost 24 years.. it overwhelms me. My friends have impacted me in more ways than they will ever know by challenging me to think out of the box, calling me out, encouraging me, and loving me far more than I deserve.

#1 August 14, 2010 & my fiance:)
Are you kidding me? Of course, this made the list. I am ecstatic to marry the love of my life in a little over 5 months!

Alright... There you have it. I'm not sure who would want to know these things, but Annie, this was for you..

Happy Weekend!

they won't call me miss leftwich..

.. instead, they will call me Mrs. Coddou.

Yes. It's true. The love of my life completely shocked me and blew me away this past Saturday night when he asked me to be his wife. The verse that stuck with me was a verse from Revelation that Patrick had framed, and we prayed over our engagement and marriage that night. It's found in Revelation 19:

"Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure— for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints." {vs. 7-8}

I am so blessed to have this reminder. This is what earthly love, engagement, marriage, life together is all about. It is a beautiful, intimate relationship that mirrors the relationship Christ has with the church. What a celebration that will be.. when we rejoice, exult, and glory in Him alone for Christ has come back for the church!

Also, the part where the Bride has made herself ready, and then the description goes on to say she is clothed with fine linen {representative of righteousness}, bright and pure. The Bride or the church has been sanctified in this process and is ready for the redemption of their eternal body. Romans 8 talks about the believers groaning like the pangs of childbirth for what is to come. We long for that future hope, the reunion with our bridegroom... Can't you feel the angst in the vocabulary used? I just can't help, but get excited about this new stage of life. I know the Lord has called us to this process of sanctification, and this is one more sweet way that the Lord uses something that He has created to point us to the Gospel... continuing to wrestle together in this life with the sin, struggle, and reality of grace in my life until one day my sweet fiance or husband will be able to present me to my Savior, my King..

All of this to say.. praying for a heart that sees the beautiful eternal significance of this time in my life.. and excited to be called Mrs. Coddou by all the teenagers I see daily this coming fall:)

grace.

grace. how sweet the sound. grace. that saved a wretch like me.

Anyone else misconstrue the meaning of grace in their minds earlier on in life? I remember grace was a song you sang about at church. Grace was the prayer you said with your family holding hands before diving into a delectable feast. {don't forget the Baptist squeeze at the end after the word "amen"} Grace was a girl's name at school or one of my camper's names at Kanakuk. But, it wasn't sweet to me? It didn't break me with a heart of gratitude. I felt entitled to it, because I was a good person.

Then, I hit my sophomore year of college, and everything was shattered before me.

I had a sick, self-seeking, idolatrous view of God's gift of grace to me. I thought of myself as a "good" person, not really doing anything too terrible, except maybe getting a few parking tickets on campus and staying out until 4 a.m. {ooo.. rebel} So, my view of grace was that it was for those people who really, i mean really, screwed up externally and had not honored the Lord with their actions and truly needed a Savior.

All of this so-called Jenn's theology fell to the floor and shattered when I realized I really wasn't good. I really do need a Savior. I love these verses in Jonah 2:7-9:

"When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the LORD."

You see, I was making myself, my works, and my reputation an idol that I served and forfeiting the beautiful grace that could have been mine. My joy was not made complete, and I was tired of putting on this act of being O-K all the time.

Whoever might read this eclectic blog of mine, I pray that if you hear one thing you hear this: We are all at the core messed up, depraved, a product of humanity and sin entering the world. We deserve death. We deserve to be judged justly for our actions. Even in my best attempt at good, the roots, the crannies, the motives are tainted and making myself the idol. No one is left out of this. We are all hypocrites.

But, what a beautiful thing when Christ comes down to earth, lives life without sin, and takes our place in judgement. We receive His Righteousness in His Death. How unworthy! Even at my best, I have done NOTHING to closely deserve this.

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." {Romans 5:6-8}

Praise be to Him! May our hearts GET THIS and burst with the gratitude that is coupled when grace pierces our hearts and shows us our depravity.

I could write more about this.. but may you understand what grace REALLY means for you. Not something to stomp all over and live the life you do since you are under grace.. No. May we continue in gratitude and use our bodies, our gifts, our talents, to point everything back to Him.

grace. how sweet the sound. grace. that saved a wretch like me.

Best Gift Guides of the Past.

To keep the blog on a somewhat lighter note every now and then, I dabble in some lists that don't always make the cut in other blogs. (See November 2008-Thanksgiving)

This list will be entitled: An Ode to the Fads of Christmas Past

{you know... all of the "hot" gifts that were in one Christmas and out another}

I now pay homage to the pointless trends society tells us to follow.. and we do.

#1 Furbies

I am so creeped out by Furbies. I think it all stems from an experience at a sleepover at one of my friend's house. It was the middle of the night {post-peachi-o's or sugary treat indulgence}, and I was asleep in her bedroom with no light but that coming from a lava lamp. {Those were so cool, by the way. Always wanted one} Out of nowhere, a "weerrrrrrellllllll"/chewbacca-esque noise ensues. I woke up, panicked, not knowing what creature was coming to get me, still in that half asleep/half awake stage.. {obviously, the one that makes you think very irrationally}. I went back to sleep 45 minutes later once my nerves had calmed down and had a nightmare about Furbies attacking the LBK.

#2 Doc Marten's

Oh my goodness. Doc Martens saturated the shoe industry in the late 1990's and were a part of my Christmas list for many years. Whether it was the lace up boots to be worn with Gap's version of the Jenko khaki's {yes.. i was that cool} or the slip on sandal with the flower cut out to be worn with any and everything during the summer, Doc Marten's were a fashion MUST in late elementary/junior high years.

What happened to them? Anyone still wear them? If you do, I would love to be your friend. Do they still sell them? Great memories attached there.

#3 The Matching Windsuit: Zip-up jacket and zip-hemmed pants included.

Sadly.. no picture was found, but give me one person who didn't have the neon colored windsuit jacket and pants.. don't forget the elastic bottoms with the unzip option to perfectly fit over your tenny shoe. I know for me that the outfit wasn't complete unless I had a side pony with ribbon bow tied in my hair. Classic.

#4 Pogs

Pogs. The SLAMMER. The pog case. All very distinctive gifts and a popular game at recess for a year. What happened to them? Can you still purchase pogs or are they obsolete?? I remember we had a Hanson themed pog. Yup. I was cool.

Question: were you cooler if you had PURCHASED more pogs or if you stealthily won more? Just a thought...

And to round out the list...

#5 Digital Pets

Nano kitties. Tamagotchi. These were the RAGE. Feed your pet. Make it go to the bathroom. Teaching responsibility to little children at a young age. I can imagine many parents saying, "Susie, I won't get you that puppy unless you can take care of it.. Here's a Tamagotchi instead." Digital pets. Less of pain on the parents.. endless hours of entertainment for the kids. Genius.

**Side note: I remember my nano kitty. I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day, trying to unclip my pet and struggling. It flung into the toilet, and the digital kitty drowned. RIP kitty. Still remorseful to this day.

I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed reliving some childhood memories of them. I hope everyone has a very merry Christmas! May we continue to consider what this holiday is all about. Why Christ came in the first place... The redemption for a broken world. Consider Christ and may all events and conversation be reminded of Him. {Hebrews 12:3}

Stay warm... Drink a vanilla chai... read a great book.. and Merry Christmas:)

they call me miss leftwich

So here's the scoop of the last 6 months:

I quit my full time job back in April and have spent the last 6 months figuring out what in the world I want to do with my life. I have had thoughts of continuing in marketing/sales, becoming an art director, graphic design, ad agency, public relations.. nothing really worked out or felt completely clear.

I have been wrestling with my selfishness and my pride over these past few months. I wanted to find some profession that when people met me they would think "wow! you are awesome!!". Isn't that ridiculous? Who even cares? And the people that have those "cool-sounding jobs" usually are the one who work 76.4334 hours a week and secretly hate it. Right?

How quick am I to find my identity, my worth, my reputation in something other than the Lord. Work, relationships, friendships, small groups, people, reputation.. when you place them as ultimate they ALL at one point or another fail you, disappoint you, lie to you, and ultimately leave you empty and feeling more useless and worthless than you ever did in the first place. Anyone else out there feel this way?

May we cling to the Creator and Perfecter of our faith. He is..

Holy.

Loving.

Faithful.

Never failing.

Committed.

Sacrificing.

Worthy of our highest praise.

Life-giving.

Purposeful.

Righteous.

He is.

All of this to say... after much soul searching {drum roll please....}

I'm getting certified to be a junior high math teacher with possibly high school math and english following. Crazy, right?? Left field, I know. However, after surveying my heart and my passions, this completely lines up with what I want to do.. Invest in women younger than me, make a difference in those awkward, formative years of middle school, have summers off to explore part time mission trip options, be invested in my church, and have time to be available to others.

The Lord has been faithful yet again. Looking forward to what He is going to continue to do in this crazy time of life.. until then, I will be counting the days until I get to relive junior high. What will be the present day pogs, jenkos, and hemp necklaces? Too soon to tell... but this is going to be good:)

rain, rain.. go away.

a few weeks ago, i had a very interesting day. i was going to go help my friend paul with an engagement photo shoot he was shooting. he told me that i should be prepared in rain gear, hence, i travelled on over to target to purchase some rain boots i have been looking for an excuse to buy. this is all context leading up to my real point. i get inside target and am walking around and people watching, of course. first, i saw a man and his wife, young, in their late 20’s with a newborn in the stroller running into a familiar friend. they were chatting about life and church and started talking about the village church. exhibit A: young, trendy, Christian married couple with baby. 

Then, as i am walking up and down another aisle, i hear this woman talking rather strangely. i look over and she is talking strangely and LOUDLY to her child. she bursts out into song like there is absolutely no one around. at first, i felt a little awkward standing so close to her, but then i saw the evident love and devotion she had for her little baby. there wasn’t anyone in the store but her child and you could tell she loved her so much. exhibit B: adult singing woman with baby.

as i’m checking out, the woman behind the register had a glazed over look about her and was non-responsive to my questions to her. her mind was absolutely somewhere else, and by the looks of her, it seemed as if she had been through the ringer. i don’t know what it was, but there was something inside of her hurting. exhibit C: hurting, dazed, woman.

when i was walking outside on my way to the car, i passed a trash can to the left of the sliding doors. as i was walking, i saw a man with a long beard, ratted out clothing and shoes with holes in them digging in the trash can. as i walked past him, he quickly retreated and walked briskly away, trying to play off what he was doing. exhibit D: hungry, dirty, embarrassed man.

as i look at the four different types of people i saw today, i was reminded of Romans. we all need the Gospel. we all need the Lord’s presence in our life. we need the peace that transcends all understanding. we need HOPE. whether we’re the cute Christian couple whose involved in a church community and possibly “walking the walk”, we’re still flawed. deeply flawed. i see the woman with her child and her love for her child, and i’m reminded of the love the Father has for us. He loves us so deeply and is not ashamed to proclaim His love by sending His Son as an atonement for us. for the woman who is hurting, another example that this world is broken and fractured by the fall. the emptiness and the pain that we feel is evidence that something has gone wrong. this is not home for those who are in Christ. In Romans 8:22-25, it says:

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

finally, the old man outside… although his immediate need seemed to be that of hunger, there is an eternal need that is so much bigger than that. you see, i am that old man so many times in a spiritual sense. i am digging around in trash cans, beat up, and broken down by this world. i play it off like i’m walking somewhere else, but i settle for the junk of this world, the idols in my life, the material things that might seem to be a little more tangible than the omnipotent God who loves me. and i trade it so many times in foolishness. 

so, i don’t want to be a broken record, because i know i can be. however, for whatever reason, i just feel my heart is more sensitive right now to seeing the world for what it really is: broken and a need of a Savior. My prayer is that it affects not only my head knowledge, but makes that connection with my heart. 

and, by the way, the photo shoot i was going to help with got cancelled. i got rain boots tho:)